Tuesday, January 23, 2018

Flu Yeah!

1. Homey the Clown started feeling puny yesterday afternoon and has been laying around most of the day. Looking flu like but since there's not much that can be done at a dr I'm not curious enough to get an official diagnosis and risk picking up something else in the waiting room. His cough sounds horrible. We'll see if the rest of us start dropping like flies. I'm hoping the Elderberry and oscillo will work it's magic for all of us.

2. I'm so tired. I'm battling something. Allergies or whatever but I'm the herpes express and feel super run down. I probably just need a good dose of vitamin D.

3. My heart is sad over the bondage religion puts us in. Oh how cheapening grace must grief the heart of Jesus. Lord I know I'm guilty of cheapening it as well. Help me to embrace your grace abundantly and give it out freely as well.

4. Exodus.


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Monday, January 22, 2018

Sitting Duck

1. Sweet friends keep dropping like flies from the flu. It kinda feels like being a sitting duck. What a crazy flu season.

2. Birthday for a sweet boy today. Love how my girl loves on those younger than her. Thankful for time with friends and the same for my minions.

3. Too much yelling at my kids today. Trying to be heard over the noise level has been extra special the last couple days. A silent retreat sounds quite lovely today.

4. The Exodus. The hardening of hearts and those willing to listen to God's Word is interesting to me.

So very tired.


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Sunday, January 21, 2018

Push Through

1. Pushes past the anxiety and went to church this morning. Right before we left I was frustrated at how late we were leaving and couldn't help but wonder why bother. But as usual, I was so glad to be there.

2. Grabbed a kinda nap this afternoon. It was just an interrupted hour but snoozing between kid questions was lovely.

3. Instapot verses me. Instapot wins. It's awesome to admit that I can't even figure out how to use kitchen equipment.

4. Nights of my baby piglet eating all night have hit me. So tired.

5. More Exodus.


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Saturday, January 20, 2018

If I’m Honest

Trying hard to grasp hold of Christ and recognize my sinful humanity as I am in the depths of struggling with the church again. Before the mortal blow I received from the Church I have struggled with American Christianity off and on. It's not a new theme but it might be from my entire life of the church either being an immense let down or it causing incredibly painful blows. It's also knowing how it causes many people pain. I keep coming back to and I think it's Augustine who said "the Church is a whore yet she is our mother." I'm going to butcher it but as I cling to Augustine's quote I also cling to Nouwen's. "Where much grace is needed much grace is given." That quote actually was in regards to the craziness of the Church. We are all sinful men trying to run towards Christ.

Anyway, as i continue to stew over the Bride of Christ I am trying desperately to understand the heart of Christ more and more. As I wrote the Bride of Church, I am still overcome with the thought of how amazing we will all be when fully redeemed in heaven. It will be a glorious sight to behold.

I've been trying to figure out why I took such delight in wanting to use my bible as a sword the other day. It is a sword of truth true but I know I took pleasure in it in ways that had nothing to do with honoring Christ. It was more of a oh yeah, you wanna pull out scripture? I'll pull out my bible and trump you. Really I think that boils down to self protection. I don't want to be in a place where I'm vulnerable with anyone from the church in any sort of meeting ever again. I'm so over proof texted scripture that is used to control and manipulate. You have to look at the entirety of scripture and the intent of the book or passage itself. I was ready to pounce. All of it is understandable but being on guard and guarded doesn't lead much to loving others. This is the key. Not to puff up or back down and for me not to be guarded. But if I'm honest being guarded is being puffed up. The very think I want to reject completely, pride, is the very thing I use to self protect. Wonderful. Control must be prides BFF.

As I've been thinking through the scripture I've read the past couple weeks I tend to drift back to Abraham a lot. There's a lot of sexual dysfunction that happens in that family. It doesn't disqualify him but if I dig a little deeper his sin pattern is not without consequence. All I could see on the outside was Abram offering his wife to other men and being rewarded with wealth at the end. But this is all intertwined with Ishmael as well and Sarah offering Hagar to Abraham and Abraham accepting. That has changed the course of the world. Which if I'm honest feels terrifying that our actions can cause so much chaos. This is the truth of the nature of sin but the Lord still uses it for His glory and for His plan.

And Moses. I don't think I've ever understood the magnitude of what the Lord asked him to do. I know he grew up in the house of Pharaoh but I understand why he respectfully asked the Lord to find someone else. I believe the Lord calls us all to be strong and courageous at some point in our lives. I don't think I've handled my own call to be strong and courageous very well at times. I've wanted to shrink back and avoid being brave. I've done some brave things but I think it's time to step up and do more. The number one mission I keep coming back to is these kids that the Lord has blessed us with. I have to keep marching forward and be brave. Trusting He has us and that He will never leave us nor forsake us. He is invested in this mission of raising them with us. He sees their struggles and He can give us the courage we need to keep moving forward. He's bigger than OCD. He's bigger than ADHD and combined ADHD and pre-wiring towards addiction. He's bigger than sexual abuse and goodness knows what else we have in store for us. He's bigger than adolescence and teen years that can sometimes be tumultuous. He's bigger than my ability to homeschool or issues with pubic school or whatever. He's bigger than the sum of my inadequacies. He is bigger. He loves us. He can provide when the locusts have stripped every branch bare. He's with us when the land is fruitful. He's with us when we face the giants. We are all called to Egypt and it's terrifying. But the question remains, will I answer His call and trust.


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Sunrise. Sunset.

Woke up angry. Not a fun way to wake up to face the day. Then Fiddler was on and I tell you it is like the anthem of hope. It feels so ridiculous but if the Lord uses a musical to change the tone of my heart and our home then I'll take it.

Realtor came by our house this evening. Looks like we will be able to sell our house as is without taking a total bath on it. The plan the realtor laid out sounds pretty darn amazing too. One open house and done. Having to fix and get this house ready and be ready for lots of showings sounds near impossible. So I'm thankful. Still wrestling with trust but trying.

I have felt convicted that I need to take Bigs to youth events that she is wanting to go to. Frankly, driving her and picking her up when I know a big pep talk will be involved has kept me from encouraging her to be brave. So due to my own reasons (selfishness) her first youth event was tonight. I prayed the Lord would send her a familiar face to comfort her. Ideally I thought I would drag everybody out of the car and I'd walk her in. Two kiddos fell asleep in the car though on the way there. I wanted her to go in and give me a thumbs up before I took off. She saw the youth pastors wife but anxiety gripped her hard. She begged to just go home but I was really pushing her to be brave and push pasted the anxiety over her stomach. Think near panic attack. And then I see the family of one of her favorite friend's at youth come strolling up and all was well. She raced out of the car to greet her friend and my Momma's heart was eased knowing parents I knew were staying to help out. Such a direct answer to prayer. He knows us. He sees us. I can stop kicking and screaming.

Thankful for my kids getting to see sweet friends today and I'm thankful for getting time with friends as well. Good for the soul.

I'm a bit emotionally exhausted from the whirlwind of the last two days. As much as I wrestle and struggle I do believe God is good all the time. Thankful for the grace to know and experience that first hand.


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Tuesday, January 16, 2018


1. Watched the first part of Fiddler on the Roof with the kids tonight. They enjoyed it. Glad they did or else I might be a little (a lot) sad.

2. Struggled today as Cally had yet another rough night. He's still running a fever but thankfully seems more settled tonight. I truly hope this is the case or there could be some serious loopiness tomorrow. He's such a sweet boy even when sick.

3. Boys were super motivated to do school today so they could get their hands on some Pokémon cards that someone sent us in the mail. Those boys are slightly obsessed. Wonder where they get that kind of thing from.

4. The story of Joseph continues. That dude sure grew to be faithful during all his trials. Beautiful story of redemption.

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