Wednesday, March 22, 2017

And That's A Wrap

1. A fistful of nights of little sleep has not done this Momma good. Driving with windows down during pollen fest has not helped either. Either I'm suffering from extra pollen exposure or I'm getting sick. I've got no time to be sick.

2. My five year old girl is a trooper. So thankful for the past two days with her. What a joy even if circumstances were not magical they turned out perfect. Thankful.

3. Thankful for my wonderful hubs and to be in bed.

D

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Tuesday, March 21, 2017

Sometimes You Gotta Cry and Sometimes You Gotta Laugh

Five year old trip girl woke up with a fever and the sick eyes. Tears shed during the night and this morning over missing out on her trip. We threw some Motrin in her and it was enough to get a little pep in her step. This girl is a gamer that is for sure.

Maybe my favorite part of the day was her running up and jumping on the bed as soon as we got into our room. There was most definitely drama surrounding the room and the awesomeness of me crying in the hotel lobby. Crying in front of a bunch of strangers is of course my favorite thing EVER! This is what happens when you sprint and you are about to have a baby and you book a hotel room for the wrong flipping day. So the discounted room is now the price I wanted to avoid but parking is comped and we are VIP guests and had access to free dinner and breakfast tomorrow. It helps ease the sting and hey life with the Brown's is a freaking daily adventure. Our door lock stopped working so we were locked out of our room for a bit as sweet Boo's fever spiked. Thankfully I was over boo hoo Fest and could laugh about it. Really almost every single one of my "hardships" in life are first world problems. Sometimes it's good to get a grip and realize that.

Thankful for ten year old trips and five year old trips even when not ideal due to illness. It's been fun to really get a good look at just how different my two big girls are. One is go slower and one is go faster. One is an old soul who has a pretty good handle on sorting out her feeling and emotions and can understand things well beyond her years. One is more adventurous and throw caution to the wind, straight up silly and fun but less in tune with thoughts and feelings and needs more help navigating that world and more investigative work has to be done to get insight into her heart. One girl comes to me and doesn't need to be pursued in the same while the other is more fiercely independent and needs to be sought out more. Both are truly so beautiful and my heart is overwhelmed with gratitude for the two of them and for the five others and the one to come. I cherish this time with them. I look forward to possibly starting a new tradition of Dude weekend and Gal Weekend. I would love my dudes to get away on an adventure camping or hunting or whatever at least once a year and it would be lovely to get away with just my girls and focus in on the joy of womanhood. So crazy thankful for this crew. I am rich beyond measure.

Thankful for my hubs who is so gracious to me in my mess. He's not afraid to swoop in on a white horse when I can't pull myself together. He's not overwhelmed by messy and hormonal emotions. So thankful for so much beauty out of ashes. Thankful for a God who is faithful even though I lack so much faith. He's given me so much more than I deserve and then lavishes me with blessing despite my grumbling. Going to bed next to a precious little furnace of a girl with a heart fit to burst.

D

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Monday, March 20, 2017

Life Gets In The Way

1. Never woke up today. I was falling asleep in the shower this morning.

2. I have a cool hotel story for Belly's five year old trip. Too tired and bummed about a fever that spiked in my girl that was discovered moments after booking the hotel. I want to focus on the awe and wonder I had about the hotel when we rolled the dice and got the exact hotel I wanted more than half off but I also kinda want to slam my head against the wall too. Choosing to trust that either a fever will break, that I need a night away solo more than I could possibly imagine or that some other wonderful combination will be a much grander plan than I could have imagined. Already feeling better than my first initial reaction to melt into the floor in a puddle of tears. Learning to let go of my own plans is a most beautiful thing. I choose to focus on the blessing and give thanks for whatever may unfold tomorrow. I also choose to not get all spun up about the possibility of flu. God holds all the details in the palm of His hands.

3. I just got peed on. Sometimes exhaustion does wonderful things like the ability to just throw a blanket on it and move on with life.

4. Thankful that the Lord is oh so good.

D

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Sunday, March 19, 2017

Great Is Thy Faithfulness

Thankful for so much today. So crazy emotional these days. If I wouldn't feel like I'd freak everybody around me out I'd probably cry buckets on Sunday's. I am still incredibly confused by the whole church thing. In fact, last night had a good conversation about it last night. I feel much peace about trusting the Lord is going to walk us through where our hearts need to land over time. Thankful I'm the mean time to hopefully be laying down some of my arrogance and need to have answers or at least feel like I have them. There is just so incredibly much that I don't understand that I thought I did. Thankful for where we have landed even if becoming anything more than a regular attender anywhere makes me want to dry heave. I trust the Lord with that too. Oh how good is the Lord. How faithful He is! Thankful to be in a spot where I'm being continually reminded of His great love and faithfulness all the while faced with the hard truth of my humanity without the shame and guilt of it all. I've had my eyes on myself so much more than Christ in my walk with Him through the decades.

Thankful for God's provision in putting together the beginnings of a plan for a five year old trip with a precious girl on Tuesday. Thankful for the ways God has been knitting our heartstrings together and how He's faithfully giving me eyes to see this precious girl. Unfortunately, I know she's at times gotten lost in the shuffle as a middle child. This independent girl is growing up so fast. Five! How in the world did this precious girl who adores her big sister and dances around our living room possibly turn five!? My heart can barely stand it.

Really been enjoying the simple Lenten Devo I've been reading. Lent has not turned out to be the journey I was hoping it would be for myself or for my kiddos. I've done nothing with them and normally I at least do a devotional with them as well. With busyness comes trade offs. I hate that fully embracing this season of preparing our hearts and minds for Easter has been on the chopping block I also know God shows up in my failures and weaknesses. I'm sure some of the busyness is mostly a result of worldliness and majoring on the minors. I know celebrating my children is important to me but I know I miss focusing on the true important things and get bogged down by the less important things. It's all a beautiful learning process though. In life there's trade offs, plain and simple. I just pray that over the years I grow wise in the things I'm willing to trade. May I not trade what is real with what is simply an illusion. I know often I make the trade that shouldn't be made.

Mulling over a few things I heard in a talk about navigating the world of teen boys. Again with the overwhelming desire to weep over the culture we will be fighting as we raise our kids. How do I myself continue to fight against the hooks this culture has on my own soul? I really think for me personally and for us as a family fighting against too much busyness and guarding our hearts against wasting time on isolating pursuits and constant comfort/pleasure seeking will be key. There is no way to be able to determine what is simply an illusion verses what is real if I'm not sitting at His feet. I must sit at my Father's feet.

Dare I say it? I've actually enjoyed being emotional this pregnancy. Today I was thinking how I hope this state of being moved to tears becomes more of my natural state than just a hormone induced state. I still don't like to cry in front of others but have less of a desire to be strong or give off the illusion of having strength. I feel I've spent too much time seeking out ways to numb the emotion but it makes life so much more bleak and without color.

D




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You Gotta Keep Them Seperated

1. I find it fascinating that people who think they are Jesus are separated on different floors in psych hospitals. I would be so very tempted to make them run into each other as a social experiment.

2. Thankful for friends who love us and endure our crappy hospitality. Truly to be loved and known by a group of people for better or worse is pretty darn amazing.

3. I feel exhausted at the thought of all the to dos that are still breathing hot and heavy down my neck. Oddly enough I'm more mind weary than anything. Details and plans and organizing and blah blah blah is killing me softly. All good things but I really just want to settle in and get ready to have a baby.

4. Still mulling on a no drinking article I read a few days ago. It's not so much the drinking but definitely mulling that over but more the thinking through the staining of this world. This world is hard but truly I haven't the foggiest idea about what true suffering is like. How much has prosperity messed up my views on everything?

5. So thankful for Jesus.

D

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Friday, March 17, 2017

Hormonal Mess

I think I could use a really good ugly cry. We watched Pete's Dragon tonight and I teared up but I think I could use a really really good cry. I hate even writing this as I'm thinking of one friend in particular right now but I'm freaking exhausted. It's been three weeks of push push push and this lady is not built for that kind of crazy anymore. Still a week left of crazy before I can be a lazy sloth on my own schedule.

Off the battle heartburn and be with Jesus.

D



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