Tuesday, September 19, 2017

And Then The Pieces Fit

Today was not meant to be productive. I can be okay with that. We had a slooooooowwww start and then after talking about hospitality and dear sweet precious friend stopped by. Oh how I wished our lives intersected more. Maybe one day. Now as I'm laying here in the quite I realize I could have offered sparkling water or a pb&j. Hospitality is so not my bag at least that kind. I like people in my crazy house but I'm not good with the details. I just like to get straight down to the business of talking I suppose. This particular drop in today was such an encouragement to my bigs. She needed encouragement today. Thankful!!

Hearing a sweet friend talk about the possibility of trauma linked to an ill newborn made me think about trauma in general. Post Bitty I have had loads of anxiety postpartum. Ready for the bottom to completely fall out anxiety. Funny enough this popped up in my memories today on the ole FB.

Monday, September 18, 2017

Boing! Boing! Boing!

1. I should be sleeping but it's just now quite and listening to all the little lovely sounds that are quite is just so lovely.

2. Full day of co-op, park, feeding savages, getting savages to bed, etc. I'm a good kind of exhausted. Thankful for today.

3. Have first hour with an interesting gal in the nursery. I think my views on God have for much of my life been one of making Him way too small. Chewing on a lot from a conversation with this gal today. There's just so much that I just don't know. What a lovely bunch of coconuts we all are.

4. Thankful for precious friends who have reached out to me in my messiness. So good to be known and still be loved.

5. I'm am so incredibly tired. All kinds of tired.

Listening tonight. Read Devo on suffering today. I wish I suffered more gracefully.

Oh God make speed to save us.


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Sunday, September 17, 2017

Grace Abounds

Hard day emotionally. I was brave and went to church even though I didn't much feel like it. I didn't put Bitty in her class that triggered me and had her go to the nursery instead. When I dropped her off their the guy that gives us the creeps was in her class. The guy hasn't done anything g creepy it's just that he's a guy and trauma just screws absolutely everything up. I was trying not to loose my mind while my bigs was loosing it beside me and getting the masses worked up alongside her. So incredibly rough. The sermon was divinely timed and peace washed over me. I saw beauty in the midst of His whore of a bride. Such a strange emotion to be overcome by beauty in the midst of grief. Ran into a friend's mil and hugged her as she was struggling today. There's camaraderie in grief I suppose. Another friend's mom asked how I was doing and I couldn't hold back the tears. She wept with me. Then more grace poured out as the head of children's ministry ran into me and also shed tears with me. She could have been offended and arrogant and made excuses but instead stepped into the mess with me.

Today I realize I feel forgotten by God. I know my view of the Lord is so utterly screwed up right now. I don't think I can sort this thing out by myself.

Then there's my mom. Hit in service about her when I was feeling all the feels today. I absolutely have not forgiven myself for what happened to my boy. It made me think of her. I don't know if this is why things are so incredibly sideways. I keep trying to sort things out in my head and all I can come up with is that she is really dislikes who I am and my kids or she thinks I hate her. Maybe my very existence triggers her. I don't know.

I do feel as if the Lord has more heart surgery to do on me. Frankly I feel done and I'm ready to move on from winter and let the good times roll. I'm ready to be free of the weight of two parents and two kids who have had to deal with the fallout of trauma and the rest of the little minions who have suffered right along with us.

But I must allow the Great Physician to do the heart surgery that I'd rather not go through. Ultimately I trust my heart in His hands despite realizing how abandoned I feel by the Lord. I can grasp onto the memorial stones and remember that He sees and He does indeed care. I can tell my kids confidently that God is good and that He is faithful even when it doesn't feel like it. So take the knife Lord, let's do this thing. You have to cut this weight off my chest because with it I can't help my sweet precious girl without being dragged under and drowned. I hate that I've been so weighted down by my own crap that I've failed to see how traumatized my bigs has been. Duh. Lord my heart is filled with so much grief over how I've missed seeing my babies suffer. I have to grab onto that life raft that grace abounds. Hope and beauty will rise. The Lord has fixed the broken pieces of my smashed compass before I trust He will fix it again.


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Saturday, September 16, 2017

Dogs and Disasters

Today was a hard day. Everyone in the house tired and frazzled kinda day. A day where the noise penetrated every tiny little crevasse in my ears. The smalls were loosing their minds, the baby is teething, Bigs was high anxiety and the big boys were as wild as barn cats. I didn't drink enough coffee and I was princess turd muffin myself. Thankful tomorrow His mercies are new. I do think I could have relaxed on the clean the house or I'm gonna go crazy bit but with all the chaos and noise around me I NEEDED the house to be picked up. It's so fun to be limited by my own humanity.

Instead of recapping the crazy I'm going to shut her down now that everyone is finally asleep. I'm crazy exhausted.

Oh and on the dogs. No dogs caused any disasters. Today was a disaster and we're looking for a dog. Praying for a 2-3 year old dog that is psycho. Maybe we found one? We'll see. I don't want to deal with another dogzaster so praying for the perfect doggie!

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Friday, September 15, 2017

5 To The 3 0

1. Woke up at 5:30.

2. Forgot about the kitchen last night and upon seeing it I felt despair. Silly but it's true. Put on some good tunes and tried to turn my feelings of being overwhelmed over to the Lord. It worked.

3. Sweet kids in and out of the house all morning.

4. Saw some of my favorite peeps even if just for a moment.

5. A dear precious friend dropped off the sweetest gift to me. Answer to prayer too as I need a prayer routine better than I have now. Definitely struggled with prayer the last couple years.

6. Got some vitamin d at a park with friends. I heart nature study.

7. Wrote an email I didn't want to write today. Church is hard and ugly and beautiful and wonderful.

8. Church tonight and I didn't much want to go. Kids really wanted to though. Glad I did? I think so.

9. Fading

10. Going to drift off to psalms. Not sure if any of this is making sense at this point.


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