Tuesday, September 27, 2016


Pretty sure I can add a new ailment to the list, narcolepsy. I could not stay awake to save my life today. That's probably why kids are still doing chores and school at 8:30. They decided to exploit my inability to stay awake today.

I have some kind of kid funk too which is not helping anything. I have drained every last energy reserve over the last couple years and feel very much like the Blob. I might be able to kick it if I could just slither everywhere. Maybe I'll try that tomorrow.

Super bummed that my lack of energy and sick kids kept us home bound today. Really could have used a lovely dose of vitamin D and friends today. Kids would have benefitted too. Not being able to function is rather depressing.

Using my last ounce of sanity waiting for a child to clear the table and finish school. I adore this child but sometimes I wish he would dance to the beat of my own drum rather than his own. If I wasn't so exhausted I would find what he is doing right now rather amusing.

Psalms 13:
"But I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation. I will sing the Lord's praise, for he has been good to me."
‭‭Psalm‬ ‭13:5-6‬ ‭NIV‬‬

Thinking of a family who may loose their baby to cancer. Perspective is everything.


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Monday, September 26, 2016

Brain Melt

Need to jot down some notes about today that I'd like to crunch on a bit but watching the debate and coming down with kid funk has zapped any crunching ability. 

Again thankful for many many things. The obvious today was help from friends with my minions. It truly does take a small army to raise a child. Thankful for the army the Lord has placed around my children and around me. 

Psalm 12:
Comforted by this as the latter half of these verses seem to becoming more like everyday realities.

"You, Lord, will keep the needy safe and will protect us forever from the wicked, who freely strut about when what is vile is honored by the human race."
‭‭Psalm‬ ‭12:7-8‬ ‭NIV‬‬


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Sunday, September 25, 2016

Beautiful Awkward Imperfection

The song Doxology specifically by Jaden Lavik has been stuck in my head the past couple weeks. We are doing hymn study this year and it's the hymn of the month for us. Can't express in words how much it has ministered to my soul the past couple weeks. 

Even in the midst of my melancholy funk the words "praise God from whom all blessings flow" has repeated over and over in my head. Praising God has been difficult the past couple of weeks. A deep weariness and extreme exhaustion has set in and clouded things. It's been hard to press on and find the good in the midst of thick heavy exhaustion and weariness. 

Yet this week I've had renewed hope that spring is indeed coming. Unfortunately I've been too crazy exhausted to express it. This week a friend send me part of a liturgy. I could be confused on the terms but I think that's right. Regardless, I knew the very thing that would heal my heavy and burdened heart. Setting foot into church once again is exactly what my heart needed and the Lord so gently and lovingly showed that to me. He didn't beat me over the head or use guilt and shame. Instead He beckoned me with His love and mercy.

"I know you are hurting. I can heal those wounds. I know your heart is discouraged. Come to me and I'll give you eyes to see".

It was pouring this morning. Not a great day to get back on the saddle and ride to church. One boy's zeal for church today is the encouragement we needed.  We needed the encouragement. We forgot car seats had been removed, and it was not just Portland style raining it was pouring. The Bit scream and wailed and begged to stay home. I laughed at God being funny and we pressed on. 

I was reminded of my Catholic roots this morning. Not Southside San Antonio Catholic roots but fancy Northside Catholic. The sermon was fantastic and as the offertory song played I almost completely lost it. I saw for the first time ever the beauty of the awkward imperfection of the body of Christ. The expression of worship may differ greatly but in church congregations across the globe there are my brothers and my sisters in Christ. One day the awkwardness will disappear and we will all worship the Throne of the Lamb in unison with hearts as one. I simply can not wait for that day. Until then I can rejoice in the beautiful awkward imperfection of the Bride of Christ. 

Since I was little it was ingrained in me that one church was right and another was wrong. One church was better than another. This carried on into adulthood. One church is dead while another is thriving and alive. I do indeed believe there apostate churches who do not preach the gospel. But for those who proclaim the gospel wholeheartedly its a shame that often churches major in the minors and agreements that don't much matter in the long run cause division. The truth is there is not a single man who can fully grasp the mind of God. We simply lack the capacity to fully grasp all who the Lord is and all that He intended and intends. How many quarrels and fights could be avoided among us if we would all simply embrace humility. But alas, like the pastor said today we are so very beastly. Yet beside our beastly hearts and often our  distain for one another the Bride of Christ is called His beloved. It's hard to fathom that such a ragtag collective group of ragamuffins are heirs to the throne. His love truly is extravagant. 

Romans 12:
I can't seem to stay away from Romans 12 these days. It's so crazy good. Loved these verses in light of today. 

"For just as each of us has one body with many members, and these members do not all have the same function, so in Christ we, though many, form one body, and each member belongs to all the others."
‭‭Romans‬ ‭12:4-5‬ ‭NIV‬‬

I'm so thankful for so many things today. I've mourned the Lord destroying my church framework. But I can see now just how flawed it truly was. Thankful that He is building something beautiful. 


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Saturday, September 24, 2016

Passing Out Yet Again

I never woke up today. Thankful my hubs was productive enough for the both of us. Must tackle crazy laundry tomorrow.

Listening to bible. Can't keep eyes open. Exhaustion is killing me.


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Friday, September 23, 2016

Hope Rising

Been in a pretty hefty melancholy funk. I shouldn't be surprised. If chosen to hand anger over to the Lord and when I've been given "pretty invitations to begrudge" I've chosen to lay those down. It's not perfect and I know rage is not a difficult emotion for me to conjure up. Without anger to prop me up deep discouragement and sadness have entered in.

I've been wondering why this final blow or sweeping of the leg has occurred. The last couple days I've been reflecting on why. I think the framework was completely smashed to bits so that I couldn't try to sneak back in the back door. I'm left with a concrete slab and it's up to the Lord to rebuild it. Ironically the very thing that will start the rebuilding process is the very thing I do not want to do. There's much fear and trembling moving forward. I feel like I totally missed the boat and I fear making the same mistake. Yet perfect love casts out all fear and I feel hope rising. Praying for hope to rise for my dear friends who have also been in a painful season. I know their hearts know the pains of soul crushing discouragement and weariness so thick it feels as if it can pull you under. Father may hope rise for these dear ones.

Romans 12:
Love this chapter. Seriously can't get enough.

Needed to read this verse after seeing a comment on the FB written by a proclaiming Christian who wished nobody complaining about prayer would complain as their teeth were smashed on the way to hell. I think reading other comments like it contributed to my funk this week. I'm so sad by the way we treat each other. It's one thing for those who are not believers to treat others poorly but when self professing Christians do it I'm reminded why there are people repulsed by Christians. Too much heartache this week.

"Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse."
‭‭Romans‬ ‭12:14‬ ‭NIV‬‬

God help me to do this. It's by your grace alone that anybody can.


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