Tuesday, April 29, 2003

AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH! Sometimes nice just doesn't pay off. Being vulnerable doesn't either. At least that has been my lesson for the day. Good night computer land off to spend time with the Big Guy. He always makes sense of the senseless.
April 29, 2003
Wow! This is interesting. I haven't journaled or written my thoughts down since I was a kid. It actually led to the cause of the whirlwind of chaos that started in high school. I'll get to that later one day. I have to thank Jeremy Brown for the insight to what a blog is. I thought he was crazy when he started talking about his blog. I also have to thank him for the immense amount of insight that I have come to this week because of him. He told me the other night that he thought there was a reason why we had met. I've felt that way about a lot of the people I have been meeting lately. They are all starting to play a role in my "new" life and my quest for wholeness and healing. I am determined that 2003 is going to be the year that I finally get things right. So far so good.
This is the first time in my life when I have finally been able to stop searching. I've been looking for something, some kind of understanding for the longest time. I've filled the vast emptiness I've felt in the past with substances, relationships, and even exercise. Wish I could have stuck to the obsessive compulsion to exercise. I guess anything can be unhealthy if it's done for the wrong reasons. I had always believed that there was a God but I never really got it. I was never able to let go enough to understand what God is really about. I've finally been able to trust enough to give control to someone else. I guess control over my life was the only thing that I had to hold onto. It's funny that I fought so hard to maintain control but when I really think about it I didn't have control at all. If anything I was out of control. God is so graceful that I know He has forgiven me for all the mistakes I've made. I even feel that He's calling me into ministry. I would have never imagined that He would be able to take this mess of a life of mine and transform it into something that has value. Why me and why I'm worth all this I will never understand.
This week has already turned out to be rather interesting. I've finally moved on to the next stage of my grieving process over my mom. I've been in denial for long enough now. I guess I needed to believe that my mom was super mom so I would have at least one parent to hold onto. Somehow I felt that my parent’s failures were somehow my fault. There must have been something wrong with me because if I had been the daughter I should have been then they would have loved me. I know this is a lie and hopefully one day I'll even believe that it's a lie. I've been angry at my mom for some of the things she has done but I've always been able to justify her actions to myself. I've always let her off the hook. I actually confronted her a couple of months ago about some of the things she did. This is supposed to be part of the "healing" process. Well, I hadn't really planned on doing this when it happened. I wish I had because I was not prepared at all. She of course freaked out and tried to turn the tables back on me. I guess I had forgotten that I was supposed to be the parent as a child. She almost got me to apologize for saying anything but thankfully I kept my mouth shut. Haven't really felt like talking to her much after that. Not really a big deal since our relationship has been shallow ever since I decided that I could no longer be her parent anymore or her sole source of happiness. Been thinking about things today, started by try to figure out the whole relationship mess, and I've moved on to the anger part of healing. I am livid!! Not only do I not feel like talking to her I think I would yell at her if I did. I think this part of healing can also be called Godly ventilation. How I'm supposed to vent Godly I'm not quite sure. I hope I move on to the actually grieving part soon because I hate being consumed by anger. Since there is no way I'll ever be able to talk to her about this, because she can't handle, it I'm going to vent some of the stuff I'm feeling right here.
1. She used to always say that she never thought I would be marriage material because I was always going out with my friends in high school. She played this card because supposedly my biological father used to go out with his friends all the time after they had been married. Can't have your cake and eat it too. Can't be married and still try to live the single life. What normal high school kid doesn't want to go hang out with their friends? I might of had a few more reasons why I always wanted to be out of the house. I couldn't try to escape reality by getting wasted if I was sitting at home. Well... actually I learned the trick to that later on. Plus if I was out of the house I wouldn't have to be terrified that I might be assaulted in my own home. Too bad I was too busy trying to protect my mom from the unpleasantries of life to let her in on the real reasons why I felt the need to constantly be out with my friends.
2. One of the nice rebuttals from our big confrontation: but I made him leave and I even got us an apartment that you never stayed at. How do you think it felt that my teenage daughter was living at her boyfriends house? Hmmm. So you sacrificed and made him leave huh? Then why did I have to live at my friends house the end of my Junior Year because you were too chicken to make him leave. My world was turned upside down and I couldn't even live at home!! Nice so you finally made him leave and got us an apartment. It turns out that you really didn't feel the need to do this but my counselor told you that if you didn't he would call the police. Hmmm... Way to make some sacrifices for me mom. So once you finally made me a safe new home environment I must have been the evil daughter for living with the boyfriend and his family. Huh? Could it be because I never knew when my stepdad was going to be at the apartment? That even though you did get an apartment I never knew when he might be there or show up. I sure was rotten! Maybe it was the fact that you constantly wanted my emotional support for being the victim of such a horrible event in life. Never mind the fact that you were the co-contributor, no matter how much you'd like to play the innocent role, and I was the victim! How could I be there as your emotional support when I was just struggling to keep from drowning!?
3. You should have never made me feel responsible for your happiness! I should have never been your mother. Your feelings should have never been more important than mine.
4. Why did you choose him over me? I could never tell you what happened because I thought I would never be able to survive if you believed him over me. Well, I guess I was wrong, I survived. It's hard not having a home to come home to. I guess that's my fault somehow.