Thursday, May 29, 2003

May 29, 2003

GOD IS AWESOME!!! enough said

Wednesday, May 28, 2003

AHH RELIEF!

The talk with Les went great tonight! I feel like a bonehead for being so scared. Told him about what I'm fixin to deal with and he looked at me and said that it didn't change the way he felt about me and that he would be there for me if I needed him. Intimacy FINALLY! We talked about some other stuff but we finally had a conversation that involved me being intimate. Nice. This is going to be so awesome!
I told him about looking at him during the contagious christian class and thinking that I wanted to marry a guy like him someday. He told me how he first "noticed" me. He said it was during the Gathering the night when we closed down the church talking. He said he started talking to me and "his eyes were finally open to me." He said he thought there's no way I'm gonna stop talking to this girl. It's kinda funny. Dawn had said she totally saw the connection that night. She had tried to talk to him and he gave her a quick response and turned back to talk to me. I'm getting all gushy. I guess that's alright.
Here's the other thing that I thought was just too cool. So Adam kept telling me that there was no way I was going to find a guy who would be willing to wait. HA! HA! HA! Well, I have! We talked about the whole physical thing a little and Les basically said that he didn't want things to happen and it ruin the relationship. I was on the same page for this but he said he wanted to do all this so that he could honor and respect ME. WOW! Nobody has ever said something like that to me. I got a good one! I deserve a good one!
THANK YOU GOD!!

Tuesday, May 27, 2003

LOOPIER THAN A BOX OF FRUITLOOPS!

So I seemed to have worked myself up into a frenzy today! I came to a great conclusion though: I NEED TO STOP WORRYING AND JUST TRUST GOD! It's funny because I kept praying for peace from God and He kept answering my prayers but then I continued to turn around and freak out. It basically started on Monday when I started thinking about telling Les about me starting to deal with the abuse I suffered from my stepdad. Then I of course started thinking that he might not be willing to put up with all the drama that that's going to bring. "Save The Drama For Yo Mama!" I started working through why I was freakin out so much. First off I wasn't trusting God and letting him have control of this relationship. Then I realized that I didn't think I could handle Les rejecting me. First off God will never give me more than I can handle so that's a crock of bull. Then I figured out that my thinking was that if Les rejected me then that meant that I don't deserve a guy like him. Another lie pops out it's ugly head. That's just trash! I deserve a great guy because that's what God wants for me and the guy that snags me is going to be just as lucky as I am! God created me and God doesn't make trash so I have worth and value because I am a child of God and He created me.
I've prayed about this and I know this is from God. He isn't going to set me up for failure first of all and if Les does reject me then it's his loss and not mine! God just has better plans and I said I wanted God to pick the guy for me so if Les is not the one then why would I want to waste my time? Man this relationship stuff is crazy. Of course I have to add the element of craziness but at least I'm growing in the process! I only want to be in a relationship where I'm continuing to grow and that my relationship with God is only getting better and so far so good. Had a great date night with God last night! I need to make that a weekly occurrance. Gotta get ready for small groups! One more thing, I think the highlight of my full out freak out was worring if Les had rescue tendancies and if him being with me was going to be unhealthy for him. I think I'll let God worry about his motives for wanting to pursue a relationship with me.

WHO SAYS GOD DOESN'T HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOR

May 27, 2003

This is part of a response email that I got from Jen. I just know that God has the best sense of humor ever!

Jenifer Shaw wrote:
You crack me up! I'm telling you it is like you're walking around in my head...please STOP THE INSANITY! I wonder if God is just laughing at us right now...going see...I'll put two nut cases together just to have little fun...lets see if they can figure this out. Just kidding. We know God isn't like that & He loves us. I will definitely pray for you Sista D! You're gonna be fine. We need to quit comparing ourselves to others.

Monday, May 26, 2003

RANDOMNESS

May 26, 2003

Les is back in town and I finally got to hang out with him last night. I'm so in like!! I'm gonna fall so hard for him and I'd be lying if I said that doesn't scare me. It's a lot less scarey to just be single. How can I grow if I never take risks? I'll be missing out on more good things than bad if I always try to protect myself from being hurt. He said he told his family about me and that they are all excited. They are ready for more grandbabies. He must have said some good things if they said that. Now why couldn't my mom have been excited for me when I told her about Les. No, instead the first thing I was asked was if he was a fanatic? I wanted to tell Les that I too thought enough about him to tell my family but I definately didn't have the same response. It's definately nothing against him. I had told my mom before Les and I were even hanging out that I'd probably marry someone who was also interested in pursuing a career in ministry. I want to be a team with someone. She didn't think it was cool then either. She doesn't even think the fact that I want to get into ministry is such a hot idea. Never knew how much money was inportant to my mom until now. I can't remember how the topic came up but in my small group one day we were talking about how we envisioned our future house. Most everyone envisioned a large house and definately didn't picture themselves in a middle class scenario. I never imagine a large house or a lot of money. Sure I guess it would be nice but I always picture a small house but a lot of love and happiness. As long as I"m doing what God wants me to do He will provide me with everything that I need. The rest is just a bunch of distractions! I would like a house with a porch though. That's the only thing I really really want.
Haven't told Les about the journey I'm about to embark on. I'm still scared that he's gonna bolt when he finally gets to know who I am. Maybe if we hang out tonight I'll let him know but I'm so scared. I want to tell him I really do but I can't even get my mouth open. He asked about my mom and I want to tell him what's really going on but I only gave vague answers. He told me some stuff about what's been going on with his family and I thought that would help me to be more open but still nothing. I want to tell him everything so badly. I've never wanted to do that before but I'm so scared that the words wont come out of my mouth. GOD PLEASE GIVE ME BOLDNESS AND COURAGE!

Wednesday, May 21, 2003

I'M A LIAR!

May 21, 2003

I think it was me who said I don't need my mom's approval anymore. Well, I'm a liar! Talked to her yesterday and I guess I set my expectations for her too high and I was pissed by the time I got off the phone. Told her about a few things that I'm really excited about and she just shot everyone of them down one by one. I guess I don't want her approval as much as I want her to be happy that I'm so happy. She just doesn't understand why the things that are important to me are so important. Plus she's just so darn cynical. I had a teacher in seventh grade tell me that I was very cynical. I hope now that I'm older I'm not as cynical as I used to be. My mom is never going to be the mom that I want her to be and I just need to grieve over that fact and be done with it. This whole anger thing is getting pretty old and I hate it. I know it's good that I'm at least at the point where I'm angry but can I just skip this stage and move on? Anger is a secondary emotion so I guess it's good that I'm at least starting to feel something. I never thought I would get to the point where I would be so ready and willing to grieve but I do and I am so why can't I just do it!? Stupid defense mechanisms!! I see the progress that I've already made and I'm so grateful that God has enabled me to see the things in my life that I need to change.
Got a yucky icky disgusting book yesterday. I went to Lifeway Bookstore to get a CD for small groups tonight. As I was walking to the CD isle I stopped at the bible study guide section. I was looking for a study that I could use with the high school small group that I want to start in June. Then this book practically leaped off the shelf and bit me. It's a gross book about hope for survivors of sexual abuse. YUCK!!! I don't want to do it but I know I need to do it. I'm tired of being haunted by the memories and I'm so tired of feeling guilty and ashamed. It's time I work through it, put the blame where it belongs, grieve, forgive and finally be whole. I do want to do it and I hope God continues to make me brave enough to work through it. I'm not as scared to ask for help now so I"m really going to have to ask for help from my new family. I know it's gonna be rough but I'm ready to go through the rough stuff so I can finally get to the really good stuff. The book is designed to be used along with a support group. I'm hoping I can get the same amount of healing by doing this alone. I know I should probably look into getting into a support group but.... The first lesson I went through asked how I felt when I thought about a support group. Well, I think of my new group of friends as a support group especially my Wednesday night small group. I feel good about that support group. Thinking about a sexual abuse small group though I get angry and scared. I always try to down play what happened to me. "Lots of people had it much worse than I did so I need to stop acting like a baby. After all I was never raped." I guess I still feel that how I feel really doesn't mean much in comparison to how everybody else feels. Plus if I down play what happened then I can deny that it happened in a sense. Then I get pissed because I think I can do this all by myself. "I don't need anybody I can do this by myself." I've already discovered that trying to have complete control over my life and never asking for help only made me miserable and definately didn't work. GOD PLEASE ALLOW ME TO BE BRAVE ENOUGH TO ASK FOR HELP WHEN I NEED IT! It said that people who were abused have a hard time with trust, especially trusting God. I've done the whole mad at God thing and I"m glad I was finally able to get over that. It's almost relieving to know that there is a reason why I had such a hard time trusting God and why it's still difficult for me to completely trust people. It's also exciting to look back and see how far I've come. I never would have been able to form the relationships that I now have without God helping me to get some healing. Because I've been able to make those new friendships I'm going to have people to help me get through this. I will get through this!

Monday, May 19, 2003

Why does it take tragedy to make us realize how self centered we can be? Lately I've been so wrapped up in how I feel and protecting myself that I've totally lost sight of what's important. Love, that's what is important. Loving others because God has trusted me to love and care for others not because I expect something in return. God will always be there for me and if I love and get burned God's got my back and He's gonna pick me right back up again. Love fearlessly and selflessly. I really get what Jen was saying about loving Les as a fellow brother in Christ. His dad had a heart attack today. I feel horrible for him. All the fussing and whining I've done seems so stupid now. I wish I could be there for him now and I don't care how he feels about me. I want to be there because I would want to be there for any of my friends if they were going through this. Who cares if I make myself vulnerable because I let him know I wish I could be there for him. So what if he wouldn't even want me there! Love one another in Christ because Christ loves you and not because of what you are going to get. I love to love people and I'm not going to be scared anymore!
Less Like Scars

It's been a hard year • But I'm climbing out of the rubble • These lessons are hard • Healing changes are subtle • But every day it's... • Less like tearing more like building • Less like captive more like willing • Less like breakdown more like surrender • Less like haunting more like remember • And I feel you here • And you're picking up the pieces • Forever faithful • It seemed out of my hands a bad situation • But you are able • And in your hands the pain and hurt • look less like scars and more like character • • Less like a prison a prison more like my room • Less like a casket more like a womb • Less like dying more like transcending • Less like fear, less like an ending • • And I feel you here • And you're picking up the pieces • Forever faithful • It seemed out of my hands a bad situation • But you are able • And in your hands the pain and hurt • look less like scars • • Just a little while ago • I couldn't feel the power or the hope • I couldn't cope, I couldn't feel a thing • Just a little while back • I was desperate, broken, laid out • Hoping you would come • • And I need you • And I want you here • And I feel you... • • And I feel you here • And you're picking up the pieces • Forever faithful • It seemed out of my hands a bad situation • But you are able • And in your hands the pain and hurt • look less like scars • And in your hands the pain and hurt • look less like scars • And in your hands the pain and hurt • look less like scars • And more like character • •

by Sara Groves and Nate Sabin

FORGETTING THE PAST

May 19, 2003

It's so funny how the past can hold you back. Not only does the things you had control over seem to haunt you, the things that you had no control over can also hold you in it's grips. On Wednesday, Heather brought a wonderful verse that hopefully will start to help me change my thinking.
"I don't mean to say that I have already achieved these things or that I have already reached perfection! But I keep working toward that day when I will finally be all that Christ Jesus saved me for and wants me to be. No, dear brothers and sisters, I am still not all I should be, but I am focusing with all my energies on this one thing: Forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead, I strain to reach the end of the race and receive the prize for which God, through Christ Jesus, is calling us up to heaven."
Philippians 3:12-14
This verse is very healing for me. God has forgiven me of all the things I have chosen to do in the past. He no longer judges or condemns me. He's going to use all those mistakes that I've made to His glory. My past does not define the person that I am now. Christ defines who I am. All the things that have been done to me that I had no control over will not define who I am either. I am no longer broken and damaged now that I am living for God. It's still so hard to grasp God's love. Jen called me yesterday and I'm so glad she did. She knew I was feeling very insecure and unworthy of Les. Why do I feel like I don't deserve Les? Good question. I"m starting to work through that though. God wants me to have good things and I deserve God's blessings. It's just so hard to grasp the concept of a loving parent. I've had to take care of the people who were supposed to take care of me so I guess I feel like I'm not worth being taken care of. I don't know what it's like to be cared for. It's scary but I'm willing to learn. Jen said I just need to enjoy this time and just let myself love Les as a fellow brother in Christ and let him do the same. She kept reminding me that he would never do anything that would hurt me. She also said that he probably adores you just like I do and who wouldn't. Ahh, I really needed to hear that. I feel like my parents didn't so why would I ever deserve that because something must be wrong with me. When will I ever start to believe that it wasn't my fault? They just weren't able to give me what I needed and that was not because of me. I'm so close. So close to finally being able to grieve. I'll just keep pushing myself and asking God for His help. I will be able to view myself through God's eyes one day.

Sunday, May 18, 2003

I'M SO DONE!

May 18, 2003

I really didn't intend this blog to be about boys but I guess as I go through relationship stuff I'm going to discover a lot about myself. I'll have to write about my conversation with Jen later. Very insightful! Right now I'm sleepy and all I want to do is write about how it's all over and I'm done. Friday was incredible. In fact, May 16, 2003 is now going to be a day to remember. Never really cared to take the time to remember dates before but I think I'm gonna wanna remember this one. It's the date that I kissed the last boy I'm ever going to kiss ever again. I've never felt this way before. They say you just know. I understand what that means now. I don't have to get married now or even anytime soon but I know I'm going to marry this one. I just know! He sang "If you Love Somebody Set Them Free" by Sting today at church and I almost stopped breathing. He sounded so good!! He is the most amazing guy I've ever met and I can't believe he wants to hang out with me! I was on cloud nine after Friday but today after watching him lead worship I'm on a completely different planet. Have to get some sleep so I can get up early and spend some quality time with God.

Friday, May 16, 2003

NERVOUS, NERVOUS, NERVOUS

May 16, 2003
Ahhh, it's finally Friday and the sun is once again shining. Had a pretty good week. There was a period of 24hrs that I could have done without but have to have some bad days to realize how good things can be. Left my dogs in the backyard Wednesday and they ran amuck. On my way home I got a call from Adam telling me that some lady in my neighborhood had Riley. Only Riley. Had to trudge through the last half, of an hour long commute home worried about where Bailey was. Got home and thankfully she was in the back yard. Upon further inspection I realized she was pretty mangled. Took her to the emergency vet and amazingly enough Adam met me up there without me even having to ask. Of course once I got there I wished that he wasn't. It's always nice to be reminded exactly how stupid I am. How did I put up with him for so long without knocking out his teeth? Like an idiot I agreed to hang out with him yesterday to watch the game. Actually it wasn't that bad. I think we've got the friends thing down. When he acts like an idiot I tell him exactly how I feel about it and that usually shuts his yap. He really is a lot of fun to hang out with. As long as he's not talking of course. Why did I wait so long to break loose? Didn't want to hurt him I guess. He's fine. So glad it's finally over with. I would have been so miserable!!!
So the plan for tonight is to go walk around some trails around the 360 bridge. Getting nervous just thinking about it. I must admit though, today couldn't have come fast enough. Tonights the night "the boy" gets grilled. At least I hope so. The only way I'm going to be able to open up is for him to go first. It's not like he's been an open book either so I think a little prodding is in order. Hopefully I wont chicken out. I'm still so scared. Scared it's too soon, scared to take that plunge,scared of the "v" word, scared to fall, fall hard. I think I would be just as scared if I met this boy two years from now. The possibility that this one could be it scares the crap out of me. Might be jumping the gun but I have the strangest feeling. I've never been this scared before. Not to mention this nervous! I'm never ever ever nervous, at least with a boy.
I'm totally willing to be completely vulnerable to this guy. If I could only gain the courage. Do I only feel this way because I need to need somebody? Don't think so. I'm perfectly happy being single. I realize now that I do need people and that I don't need to be so tough but I can get that from friendships and don't need a guy to help pull me through the struggles of life. I got God and He's awesome. Speaking of God, haven't had that feeling of closeness the last couple of days. I know He's still there though. I love God because of how awesome He is not because of the feeling I get. I finally get that now. I'll figure out this whole AGGAPE love someday. I just need to let this all go and give it to Him. I said I wanted God to pick the next one so I'll let Him do just that.

Wednesday, May 14, 2003

DENIAL IS BLISS

May 14, 2003

My big exciting plans for Friday is to go hang out at a park, breath, and take in God's glory. I was thinking about places that I would like to go and started thinking how there just aren't enough swings in Austin. That's the only thing San Antonio has over Austin. There are swing sets everywhere in San Antonio. I started thinking about Raymond Rumkis Park. I used to go there a lot and swing. In fact, I had a glorious seventeenth birthday there. The weather was perfect and all was right with the world. This was just weeks before my world would be turned upside down and I could no longer hide in my blissful world of denial.
My prayer request for my community group last night was to have a forgiving heart. I really want to be able to forgive my mom and stepfather one day. When sharing this I didn't think about somebody else that I need to forgive. MYSELF. Hopefully one day I"ll be able to forgive myself as well. One of my assignments in counseling was to write a letter to myself. Basically I was supposed to write the letter in the persepective of me as a young child asking myself, the now 24 year old Desirea to forgive me for allowing myself to be abused. Still haven't been able to write that letter yet. I'm still angry at myself for not being smart enough, for being so niave and for not being strong enough. Rationally I know this is ridiculous but unfortunately the subconscious doesn't work rationally. I want to scream at myself "WHAT WERE YOU THINKING!? WHY DIDN'T YOU KNOW!? HOW COULD YOU BE SO WEAK!?" I should have known.
I went to BSF on Monday. It was incredible and I know it's really going to challenge me to grow. As I was sitting there though I couldn't get over this pissy fit I was having. I couldn't understand what was going on. Why was I being so pissy? Then it hit me. I was sitting in a Lutheran church and I had just sang songs that I had sang in my stepfathers church. The church full of hypocrites. I know that's horrible to say and I know there must have been some really good people that went there. I just can't make myself believe that. I know I wasn't apart of the only family that marched in every Sunday and was made to prance around like a good little Christian. I wish I could get over this sensation that I just want to puke. What good does rehashing all this do anyway? Things just hit me now. I don't even have control over it anymore. In a flash it's there and all I can do is hold on and wait till the horrible memory once agains retreats back to where it came from. I know one day I'm just gonna up and puke. I just want to tear open my chest and let it all come out. I want it gone so I can be whole. Why can't I just grieve and be done with it. Unfortunately, the keeper of my tears holds a tight ship. I just want to be done with this whole mess. Why does this have to be such a necessary part of growing? It's a lot easier to get tid bits of enlightenment then to be punched in the gut with a trecherous glimpse of my not so distant past. I forgot those things for a reason. Yet it keeps haunting me and no matter how hard I try to run it wont go away. I wont let it keep it's nasty hold on me forever and it's going to stop rerearing it's ugly head by getting inbetween the relationships I try to have with people.
GOD PLEASE HELP ME BECAUSE I CAN'T DO THIS ALONE!!

Tuesday, May 13, 2003

WAS IT GOD OR JUST GAS?

May 13, 2003

Had another interesting day yesterday. Life with God is just full of one interesting day after another. How could I have ever been satisfied with such a boring and dull existence? The most important thing I learned yesterday was: MY BIGGEST PRIORITY IN LIFE SHOULD BE TO HAVE A RELATIONSHIP WITH GOD! I think sometimes even trying to serve God gets in the way of that goal. Went to an awesome bible study last night! I wont be able to go till September though. A little disappointing but will actually be a good thing since I really want the youth small groups to get swinging this summer. Note to self: DON'T FORGET TO INCLUDE GOD WHEN WRAPPING YOURSELF UP IN TRYING TO GET SMALL GROUPS GOING FOR CROSSROADS.
So my dog chewed off the antanea of my cell phone. Reception has been horrible but I've been dealing with it. Last night was talking to a girlfriend and she we were both involved in a deep conversation. Well, we were trying too because my stupid phone kept disconnecting. I of course lost my virtue of patience and wanted to slam my phone in to the street. Yeah, I walk around outside trying to get better reception when I'm on the phone. I'm sure my neighbors think I'm completely crazy. I really wanted to talk to her and be able to be there for my friend last night but the reception was so horrible. I guess that's how God feels sometimes when He's trying to get through to us. Today I finally gave in and bought a new phone. I just knew that someone who really needed to talk was going to call me and my stupid phone was going to hinder the conversation. Yeah no worries now.
Okay so I'm driving home last night from BSF and I get this intense feeling of dread that something is wrong with Cheek. It was so crazy that I almost went to his apartment so I could pound on his door to see if he was alright. Instead of doing that I left a crazy message on his answering machine, pulled into a gas station and prayed for him and wisdom on what to do. Stayed there until I felt peace that everything was okay. It was the craziest thing ever. It must have just been a bad case of gas though because he emailed me today and said that he was sleeping. At least I thought he had said that until I re-read the email he sent me. He said he was dead to the world. Double meaning? Who knows. I emailed back and told him what happened last night. I'm sure he thinks I'm the biggest freak ever now. I just wish he would stop pushing people away so I wouldn't worry about him so much.
All I can do now is pray. Off to prepare for my lesson tonight....

Monday, May 12, 2003

MOTHER'S DAY MASSACRE

May 12, 2003


Mother's Day actually wasn't bad this year. I got the guilt trip that I was expecting for not coming home but other than that it was cool. I actually miss my family and wish I had made the attempt to come home. The rest of the month is pretty tied up so I'm not quite sure when I'm going to be able to make it down again. The anger I felt towards my mom is subsiding. I still long for a more intimate relationship with my mom but God is providing others to fill that need. I'm glad I'm able to realize how my mom treats me though. I talked to her this Sunday of course but had a pretty lengthy conversation with her the Sunday before. Talked a lot about God. I wish she could feel the fullness that God wants her to feel. I have a hard time understanding why it's so hard for some to experience the joy and love that God intends for us to feel. It took me awhile to get it and I'm so thankful that I was able to get enough healing to really be able to experience what God has planned for me. I also know that this is only just the beginning. It's amazing. I guess playing the role of the victim can get in the way. The "It's Everybody Else That's Crazy and Not Me" mentality can really get in the way I imagine. I think I suffer from the reverse "I'm Crazy and It's Everybody Else That's Normal." I'm starting to let that go little by little. I guess it's really self centered to think that so many things can be MY fault. I need to stop being an ego-maniac and realize that's it's not all about me. In fact very little of anything has anything to do with me.
Getting back to last Sunday's conversation. It feels really good not to need my mom's approval for my feeling of self worth. She still thinks I should be a teacher and finds her not so subtle ways of letting me know that. This kind of thing used to really get me all worked up but now I just shake it off. All I really need is God's approval. Looking back she was never really happy with most of the decisions I planned on making anyway. She is turning into my grandma and doesn't even realize it. I am terrified of doing that. I don't want to end up turning out to be my mom one day. I'm trusting that God will continue to bring to light the areas of my life that need work so that I will be one of the first in a long line of people in my family to break the dreaded cycle.

My roommate had a pretty rough mother's day. When I came home from church she was in tears. She so desperately wants her mom to approve of her but the truth is her mom probabaly never will. That's no fault of Kate's but it's Kate's job to find a way to let that go. Kate was able to laugh about her mom's day incident this morning. Then she said she felt bad for me because at least she had her sister and her dad and I have no one. As far as family blood is concerned that is true. I do have a relationship with someone that surpasses everything else and fills me with all that I need. God is amazing! I'm still having a hard time grasping the whole God as a father thing but I'm learning little by little. There was a time in my life when I felt like an orphan and to be honest sometimes that feeling still creeps up on me. I had always thought that I would marry someone who had a great family. Ever loved the family more than the guy? Sounds horrible but I've done it a couple times. It was harder giving up Adam's family than it was giving up him. I don't need a guy who has a great family. I don't need a guy. I just need God and everything else is just trivial and will be provided for.
There's this great song by Third Day

I got you and you put things all together
and it doesn't get any better
as far as I can tell

I got you right now and ever after
and it doesn't even really matter
than I got nothing else

I got you

It's nice to be able to be a rock star in my car and sing this song and really mean it. As long as I have God I don't need anything else.

Sunday, May 11, 2003

May 11, 2003

Thought for sure I was going to keep up with this more than I have been. This week in my small group someone talked about how they could not only feel peace but experience it with all the senses. It was beautiful. Right now as I sit at this laptop and feel the cool breeze I feel at peace. Not only can I feel it as an emotion of fullness but I can actually smell peace and feel it dance across my skin. I was able to see peace last night as I drove and witnessed a hazy yet spectacular sunset. How could I have ever doubted God? He is so apparent in everything now. I'm scared that sometimes I get so wrapped up in the busyness of life that I forget to stop and look around and take in all that God has created.
Self discovery, it's such an interesting process. It's funny how the most unlikely of things can lead to a whole interesting mess of self actualization. This morning's sermon was rathering enlightening. I almost feel like John Burke was describing the person I used to be. The sermon was about how to deal with rejection. I've used many defenses in the past to keep people away. Having intimate relationships is actually a very new thing to me. I've made more incredible relationships in the last six months than I've made all my life. It feels amazing to finally be able to let go. Trust, it used to be very foreign to me but putting my trust in God has allowed me to trust others. I thought I was able to be intimate in all my relationships but this morning brought something new to light. I have been able to let my guard down with the new friends I have been making but I have been purposely been keeping a distance in the whole "dating" relationship thing.
Dating is such an ugly word. At least I thought it had to be. The last dating go round I went through was horrible. Well, it didn't seem so horrible at the time but when i look back at it, WHAT WAS I THINKING!? I have to keep reminding myself that I am not the same person I used be. So, I came up with this new rule for dating. It sounded good to me. No dating until I have known a guy for at least six months. Several people told me that they didn't think that was really necessary and that it sounded like I was hiding. Well, I think maybe I was using it to hide behind. No big deal, didn't think I would find a guy that would make me want to break my rule. I think I've already broken it. So when does hanging out become dating? That has been the big question. I've gotten different answers from different people. I think the best one, if he comes to pick you up then it's a date. So, okay then I've been on a date. I wish that didn't bring such a huge goofy smile on my face. I really want to take things slow and make sure God is in the middle of all my relationships. Yet after today I feel I have been taking too cautious of an approach. Bottom line is I'm scared. I know this guy would never hurt me, at least not intentionally. He's incredible.... the total package. I took a class that he gave a couple months ago and I really admired his love for God. I remember thinking, this is the kind of guy I want to marry someday. Someone so in love with God and a goofball to boot. Not that I have been looking or was even interested in looking but... I figured that this guy was so far out of my league. No way would he ever pay any attention to me. Well, for some insane reason he has been. It still blows my mind!! I feel so connected to him and I really can't explain it. I don't even know him all that well and after today I realize that I haven't really let him get to know me all that well either. But I feel it.... that connectedness. I played the whole not opening up thing to nervousness. I don't get nervous but around this guy I do. What's up with that? Well, it's not just the nervousness that clamming me up. Today after thinking about some things I realized that there are a few reasons why I've been scared to really open up. Time for another fun list.....

REASONS WHY I'VE BEEN A CLAM
1. I never really was able to be intimate with Adam. After I finally let go of my guards and gave God control i started to crave intimacy. Intimate friendships and of course intimacy with my signifacant other. I got shot down when I finally started opening up to Adam and eventually I got dumped. I'm not in the least bit upset about the dumping part because I was miserable and was hanging in there because I thought that's what God would want me to do. (Sex out of marraige doesn't work DON'T DO IT!!! It's not worth it and is no substitute for emotional intimacy) Getting shot down of course has fed into the lies that I believe about myself. If I let someone in they are not going to like who I really am.
2. If I let someone in and I totally fall for them I'm going to loose my focus on God. I'd rather be single for the rest of my life then let this happen.
3. I think I'm screwed up and I'm not ready. I got told today that judging from where I'm at I should probably take a year off from dating. Ouch! Thankfully, I was also told today that if you feel complete and are content being single and don't feel like you have to be with anyone then go for it. I don't want anyone to complete me. God has done that. He is the lover of my heart and my soul. That's all I need! It would be nice to someday find someone that would compliment me though. Especially if they could compliment me in such a way that as a team we could accomplish amazing things for God.
4. It's just new to me and I'm still just getting the hang of it.

Rationally, I know the first two are lies. I'm going to find someone who loves God just as much as I do and my relationship with Him is only going to grow. Just realizing what I've been doing though has been enlightening. So what do I do now? So do I and I quote Amie when I say this "Go Full on Like Donkey Kong." Or do I sit back and wait? Hmmmm... Off to go pray.

Thursday, May 01, 2003

May 1, 2003
GOD PLEASE MAKE THIS BE ABOUT YOU AND NOT ABOUT ME. PLEASE MAKE THIS BE ABOUT THE LOVE I HAVE FOR YOU AND NOT ABOUT THE FEELING I GET.