Saturday, June 21, 2003

4 A.M.

June 20, 2003

It's four in the morning and I just got back from Les Brown's house. I'm exhausted and I have to be up at 8 but tonight he called me his girlfriend. My girlfriends are going to flip. If I wasn't soo stinkin tired I'd be flippin. I'll have to write about what he said to Heather tonight later. SLEEPY TIME!

Friday, June 20, 2003

HELP! HELP! I'VE BEEN BITTEN!

Oh my! Went to a mission trip thing tonight and guess who led worship? Good ole Lester Brown. I sat right in front of him as he worshipped God. I am sooo falling for him. I was doing so well keeping that nasty love bug away but it just bit me with a vengence. Am I in love? No, not yet but I"m well on my way. Hello infatuation city. First stop "Les can do noo wrong." His love for God is so amazing. He is so amazing. What the heck was I thinking trying to push him away!? Oh I remember I was afraid of falling for him. He is such a blessing from God and I"m just going to accept the fact that I deserve this and that I"m going to be just as much of a blessing to Les as he is to me. He's starting to get that "look" when I catch him staring at me. I hope he can see it in my face when he sees me looking at him. You know I"ve never had that look before when I looked at a guy. I definately loved Adam and encouraged him to do whatever he wanted to but I never looked at him in awe. That's funny because I wanted him to adore me and I didn't even adore him. Retrospect sure is something. It's almost one and I have got to get some sleep. I am so in awe. In awe of God and the guy He has chosen to bless me with. Les is a gift from God and I'm going to do my best to honor that. I'm off to have sweet dreams!

Thursday, June 19, 2003

PERCEPTION

June 19, 2003

So I've learned a lot about perception the last couple of days. It's funny how one event can happen and two people can have two completely different perceptions on the event. Adam called me Tuesday night at 1:30AM. Of course it was a drunk call but I was so groggy I just answered it without bothering to find out who it was. We ended up talking for two hours. It was good because we were finally able to tell each other how we viewed the relationship and the break up. He is still having trouble seeing my point of view but I finally get where he is coming from. He wants me back and asked if I would move to Midland with him. I've grown a bunch the last six months. I no longer believe in soul mates and I think any two people can make it together if they are both willing to stick together through the good and the bad and that the common goal is to try to work through things together. I realize now that Adam and I have the potential to make things work out between us. BUT we are not equally yoked and because of that we would not work. I love God and I want to serve God with my life and my career. Adam believes in God but is not willing to make God number one in his life. Adam will never be a "fanatic" like I am. I hope that one day he understands how awesome having a personal relationship with God can be. It's sad to know that we have the potential to make it work and yet we will never work. I definately have a new view on things. It's hard to get it down in words but it's definately a healthier understanding on relationships. I also realize now that I am a very emotional being. I tend to act on emotion a lot of the time before taking the time to process things first. I need to be better at thinking through what I"m feeling first and then reacting instead of just instantly reacting.
Lester Brown..... Hmmmmm. I think we have the potential to be great. There's just so many things that are becoming so distracting. Adam is definately one of them. I want to be friends with him but since there is still feelings there I'm trying to figure out if we should just not talk for awhile. It is over and I'm not scared of crossing any lines but I guess I do need some time to grieve over the fact that we are never going to work out. I knew that but now I know he has taken a part of me with him. I shared my life with him and he knows me so well yet not well at all. But the fact that he knows my little quirks. He knows I'm crazy about pizza and that sometimes I get so fired up that I don't make any sense and that "I love this song." It's those little things that people don't really know about you. Those little things don't seem important at all but are the things that you miss most about people when they are gone. I'm a little afraid of letting Les Brown find out those little things. It's because I don't want to miss his quirks if it doesn't work out.
We are going to work through one of those "are we compatible books." You know what I'm talking about. It's cool and I totally want to do this before I invest my heart and soul into this. It's crazy though because we are checking each other out to see if we could possibly be an us yet we are both scared of crossing over that boundary and freaking the other person out. At least I know I am and the way Les has been fumbling over terminology I think he might feel the same. SCREW IT! That's my fear because the world says that the talk of mariage freaks people out. BUT, I don't want to be wasting my time if that's not the future goal. There is so much work involved in mariage ( I can't even spell it ) that I don't really want to do it unless I'll do a better job at serving God with another person. Frankly otherwise it's just not worth it to me and that's the reason why it wouldn't work with Adam. ENOUGH SAID!

Tuesday, June 17, 2003

!GOD ES MUY BUENO!

June 17, 2003

Hmmm.... My last couple entries were pretty intense. I think it's funny how we can have such intense emotions and loose it only days or even hours later. I guess that's why it's so importnat to keep a journal. I know that's how it can be with my insights into who God is as well. I can come to a point of discovery and then forget it even hours later. That is why we must constantly look to God for our guidance. I felt very detached from God last week and this week I feel He is about to do some incredible things in my life. I decided that I need to move out. I make the big decision on Sunday night at 1AM. I need a place where I can find some solitude and work on things that I need to work on. I haven't been doing any lessons from my dumb book. I guess that's why I feel so darn good. It's pretty rough. My plan as of Monday was to move out before my trip to Philly and work at Chili's again. I had had the apartment ministry thing in the back of my mind but after downloading the application I decided that I probably wasn't qualified. Well, this morning Kate starts bawling and I love her and I really want to continue to work for her. I think this is God's way of pushing me to do the apartment ministry thing. I am pretty fired up about it and I think it would be so incredible but I guess I'll see if this really is a God thing if Aimee or somebody else steps out of the wood work this week. I'm praying about it and so are other people so I guess I'll see. Was a little worreid about the whole year committment thing especially with Les Brown and my desire to go to Houston to help him start a church, with him as a significant other or not. I knew I was moving to Houston back in March. Can't explain it and it's really weird especially since Les and I are dating now. Too weird actually. God has a sense of humor. Okay back to the year commitment. I need to do what feels right to me and not let what somebody else is doing get in the way. I always held off on my plans and what I really wanted to do for Adam. I think compromise might be important for later in mariage, maybe, but at this stage I need to have faith like a child and go where God is leading me to go. He'll work out the details. Joe called me today and told me about the verse in the bible where Peter and John just left their boats and their nets when Jesus called them to follow him. They didn't worry about where to leave the boat or how they were going to survive they just went. I pray that God will give me faith like that one day. Stupid satan is already trying to rob me of my joy and cast doubt on what I'm supposed to do. That stupid jerk! he's the reason why God has to practically shove me into situations instead of me just obeying the first time. i'm doing it and letting God take care of the details. I LOVE YOU GOD! THANK YOU FOR ALWAYS BEING FAITHFUL TO ME AND I PRAY THAT YOU WILL HELP TO GROW MY FAITH IN YOU.

Birthday Side Note:
So I was a little upset that Les Brown decided to have his birthday this month instead of waiting a couple more months for me to know what to do. Well, it actually turned out so awesome. I got a surprise get together rallied up for him Sunday night with the help of Nate and it turned out to be bigger than I had ever imagined. I think Les was pretty blown away by it. Then that night I went back to his apartment and surprised him with cake and ice cream. I think I scored so many points. I'm so in. It was fun being able to do something nice for someone again. At least in that capacity. Everybody is wondering if that move pushed me into the girlfriend catagory and out of the just dating label. I never knew there were different levels of commitment before. Well I guess I did but last time I dated I was dating a lot of people at a time so when I settled on butthead then it was just assumed that we were together together. Since in the Christian world secular dating is completely bogus you kinda try one person out at a time and slowly progress. It's interesting to say the least. Got some kiddies to call for tonights CrossRoads hangout.

Wednesday, June 11, 2003

GOODNESS!!

June 10, 2003

Wow I must of had a pretty rough day on Sunday. From what I can remember it was pretty tough. I guess I've managed to shove down my feelings or God is giving me a time of rest because today I feel great. Had the first informal small group for CrossRoads tonight. I'm so fired up and I'm so excited that I have two other leaders who are also fired up. YEEAAA!! Dawn called me yesterday and reminded me that one of the things I wanted her to hold me accountable for was not pushing Les away. Then it clicked oh yeah I have a pattern of pushing away good guys. I'm used to dysfunction so when I run across a nice guy who is normal it freaks me out and I like to make excuses to bolt. I just tend to forget this when I'm in a frenzy and I'm trying to push the guy away. Had a good talk with Les last night and I must say that he is soo wonderful. I didn't tell him all the things that were processing through my head when I was thinking of a list of reasons why I should run but I said enough. When it all comes down to it, I was afraid to drag him into my mess of problems because I, number one don't want to burden anyone and number two thought that he wouldn't want to deal with it and he would be the first one to bolt. I of course wanted to beat him to it. Well, Dawn is not going to let me do this and I don't really want to either. Les once again said he would be here for me and that he was not going to bolt. He is so great!! I am no longer scared of him anymore. I don't know why he likes me but he does and I feel pretty blessed to have him in my life right now. The only problem now is going to be trying to find time to spend with him. Both of my small groups are going to be very time consuming. I also need to spend time working through my stuff and spend quality time with God and I've been a total slacker and haven't been going to the gym. I need to take up riding so I can work out while spending time with Les. Why am I still up? I don't know but I'm fixin to take care of the situation.

Sunday, June 08, 2003

CRACKING UP

June 8, 2003

How do you know when you have a mental illness? I don't even have words to describe the week I"ve had. I am so drained, tore up and confused that I can't even breath. I honestly think I'm on the verge of a break down. I think I need to stop thinking so much and let God take control. It is so much easier said than done. I'm tired of freaking out about Les and I'm tired of being so drawn to Cheek. I should have heeded Jeremy's advice and just taken a complete break from the dating scene all together. I'm gonna switch back to my six month rule but in a varied version. I am in no condition to even think about a romantic relationship. I'm too freaked out and right now it's just screwing with my head. I need friends. I know I can get that from Les and from Cheek. I know I'm just drawn to Cheek because he totally understands where I'm coming from with all this growing business. I understand him he understands me and it feels good to be understood.
I feel just plain sick. I hate this more than anything!! I had no idea it was going to be this tough. What's really scaring the crap out of me is the horrible feeling that therre is something very dark and sick that I've forgotten that is going to surface. I hope I'm just being paranoid but there are too many strange things that makes me believe that I have some horrible memory just waiting to surface. I'm tired of being scared, I'm tired of second guessing myself all the time, I'm tired of having to hold it all together, and I'm scared that nobody is going to be there when I finally crack. GOD PLEASE HELP ME BECAUSE I AM SO BROKEN RIGHT NOW!!

Wednesday, June 04, 2003

STOP THE INSANITY

JUNE 4, 2003

This has been one heck of a week!! I feel like a complete basket case and I'm starting to wonder if I really do have a multiple personality disorder. Is it possible to feel this many emotions at once? I'm glad God allowed me a time of fullfillment and joy because the road that lies ahead of me is going to be extremely rough. I don't really have time to go through all the details but I sure hope to get them all down soon. Sooo much has processed through my head in the last 48 hours that I don't think it's possible to completely sort it out right now. All I know is that I'm on the verge of some sort of breakdown and I don't know how much more I can handle.
I went to the Comfort and Hope minisrty seminar on how to help people who have suffered abuse and it stirred up a whole pot full of goodies. Let's just say I couldn't get out of that room fast enough when the seminar was officially over. Saw people angry and in tears and it definately hit too close to home. At that point I was still emotionless to the fact that the abuse I suffered has affected me at all but it was still unnerving to say the least. In fact, after going to the seminar I starting feeling like I had no right to even feel like I had anything that I needed to work out. After all I was never drug out a shower naked, beaten and raped. That still doesn't mean that what happened to me has no validity and that what I went through didn't affect me. This week I'm starting to realize exactly how much it has affected me and how many people have taken advantage of me. My stepfather wasn't the only one who took advantage of me as a kid. There was the neighbor boy and my cousin's cousin. This of course hit me while I was sitting in training yesterday. Hit like a ton of bricks. I always thought I was in control of the those situations but I never wanted to do any of those things I just never knew I could say no and I still don't feel I have the right to say no. Point proved last night. I'll get into that later, I'm still trying to process that one. I feel sick and disgusted! All those times when guys crawled on top of me when I was completely wasted.... I definately didn't put myself in good situations but that doesn't excuse anyone from trying to take advantage of the situation. I was only wasted because I was trying to escape and in the process I only ended up causing myself more pain. I took a quick gallop down relationship lane yesterday and realized that the majority of encounters I had with guys I was completely taken advantage of. I think I want to give up on the relationship thing completely. I haven't lost all hope but I'm close and honestly I just don't think it's worth it anymore. Right now I'm angry and disgusted and just want to cry and grieve for all the crap I've been through so it will be better and well but it still wont come. Maybe William Brown will drag it out of me on Saturday.
I feel just plain sick about the whole Les situation. I'm not good at intimacy and neither is he and something happened last night that has me upset for so many different reasons. Not so much at him but more at me for realizing what I've been doing to myself and haven't even been realizing it and why it upsets me soo soo much. I can't believe I couldn't remember that. It's vague and very sketchy but I know it happened and it makes sense why I would get so pissed off at Adam for doing it and now .... What horrible timing for that to happen. Maybe it was perfect timing. It definately was a slap in the face and I am so utterly confused that it makes me sick. I am so sick of guys and there damn penises! Wont somebody be satisfied with just being with me without having to do anything? It just feeds into this sick feeling that I'm not enough and I gave to give up more than I am willing to in order to get someone to love me. I just want a companion. Someone to be my best friend. Someone to just hug and hold me when I feel that I can't take anymore. Someone I can share with the bad and the good, there's and mine. I don't think it exists. Damn penises get in the way! Crap I guess in the back of my mind I thought this was going to be easier than this. I just keep asking myself though is this normal and do I even really have the right to feel what I'm feeling. I'm so scared of feeling sorry for myself but I guess it's okay to be angry and grieve for what I have lost. I never give myself the permission to have any feelings. i know that's because as a kid I was taught that my feelings didn't count and I wasn't supposed to put how I felt first.