Monday, July 28, 2003

FEELIN LIKE A HOE

i want to apologize ahead of time to anyone who might read this. i know nobody looks at this blog anyway but i'm feeling the need to use colorful language right now. i'm ready to rant and rave. i always thought that out of anybody brett has been the one person who has known me better than anyone else. but adam definately knows how to push my buttons better than anyone has ever been able to. i sometimes can not believe the words that come out of his mouth. i don't know whether to scream, laugh, or cry sometimes. i'm already having a i feel like a whore day and jackass always knows how to make it even better. i guess writing about notches on the head board got me thinking about the real notches on the head board. the count really would not have been that bad if i could completely erase the year i was twenty. of all the notches three hurt really bad. they never hurt before, at least before les. that's sounds pretty bad but trying to have a relationship with him has brought out some ugliness in me. all those times i thought i'm fine and it doesn't really matter is a big ole pile of poop. three hurt and all the rest make me feel like a dirty hooker. even the ones that were an almost notch make me feel like scum.
good thing adam came to the rescue and brought up some pleasant memories for me to mill over. that butthole has impeckable timing. he was telling me about the new round rock football statium and he was trying to tell me where it was and he said it was by chandon's old place. i was trying to think which place he was talking about and butthole said don't pretend like you don't know you went over there and.... ALRIGHT ALRIGHT JUST MAKE IT STOP!! i was absolutely and completely off my rocker when i was 20 and it was jackass who helped take me there to begin with. i so want to scream at him right now. our whole relationship was such a crock of crap. he was the asshole who took advantage of me when i was drunk out of my gourd. i was so drunk i can't even remember actually doing the deed just knew that i had. should have never gotten drunk in the first place. all my so called friends at the time, they didn't stop me from getting in the car with him. why did i ever want to be with him after that? he didn't even call me. no, nada, nothing. it's amazing the things you can allow yourself to do when you loose your self respect. i'm not that person anymore or am i? how can i feel security from having sex when sex has been such a destructive force in my life? it's not the sex it's the closeness that makes me feel secure. dirty dirty dirty i feel dirty

SECURITY

security, that's what we all want and desire isn't it? where do i find my security? i know the correct answer is in God but am i really seeking out all my security needs from Him? i know i'm still seeking to others to tell me that i'm doing a good job to get some of those needs filled. i know that everything that i'm able to do is from God and that He deserves all the credit. i'm trying to be humble but i think sometimes my ugly pride pops up.
i'm trying to figure out if i'm looking to les to get some of my security needs met. i know in the past i got some of my needs met from relationships. i don't know if i'm getting the security i need from him as much as i have old ways of being secure in a relationship. i'm trying to figure out what some of those old patterns are and i'm trying to change them. i know i used to get security from sleeping with guys. not sex necessarily but just sleeping in someone's arms. i totally miss that and i realize that i got a huge amount of my security from that. how do i change that? i know i;ve used sex as well as a sense of security. i'm totally feeling it for les and i'm struggling with the old me wanting to feel secure in that by having sex. that is the biggest lie ever though. sex does not equal security and it causes so much pain when the relationship ends. i don't want to look back on les and i if we don't make it and see another failed and broken relationship and another notch on the head board. i refuse to screw this up and i know satan is just messin with my head because i'm passionate about serving God. how do i change my thinking? i guess i need to stay grounded and continue to seek my security from God. i don't need it from other people, les or from doing destructive things. GOD PLEASE HELP ME TO GET MY SECURITY FROM YOU!

Saturday, July 26, 2003

TUFF STUFF

on my way home this evening i stopped off at ian's house. that whole group of people has been weighing on my heart lately. i don't remember if i mentioned it but i saw the old chili's crew on monday. kevin was in town and it was good to see everybody again. back to ian. he was drunk as a skunk but i stayed awhile and drank a coca cola classic and we somehow got on the topic of God. gabe was really interested in how i made the change and was asking a lot of questions. when i left he said he had a whole new respect for me more so than the other dorks that were there. he's hurting too. ian was getting pissed and asked me to look at him and tell him to his face that i thought he was going to hell. i couldn't do it. i don't know if i was backing down or not. what good would it have done plus that is so not my style. i love that guy and it kills me that he is so anti-christian. a couple other people were questioning and i think maybe some seeds might have been planted tonight or at least it got some people to start thinking even if they have been boozing it up. one girl casey said that she wanted us to go to lunch sometime and asked for a hug. i think she was probably drunk but i want to follow up with her anyway, got the digits. i think i'm supposed to be in austin for a while and i think i might be blessed with a job here in ministry so i'll ahve time to spend with people outside of my holy huddle. i can't believe i've been doing that. there just hasn't been much time for anything else trying to get stuff going for church. God is so amazing. i'm so thankful that He has been presenting me with these opportunities. it just drives home the fact even more that i need to be in the word everyday. i didn't have my sword with me tonight. how could i have i haven't been rising early in the morning and spending time with my God.
GOD PLEASE HELP ME TO FIND TIME TO DO ALL THE STUFF FOR CHURCH THAT I HAVE A BIG PASSION FOR BUT HELP ME ALSO FIND TIME FOR THE PEOPLE IN MY LIFE THAT DON'T HAVE A RELATIONSHIP WITH YOU YET. GIVE THE WISDOM I NEED TO TEACH THEM ABOUT YOU AND I PRAY THAT YOU BEGIN TO SOFTEN THEIR HEARTS TO HEAR YOUR MESSAGE. PLEASE MAKE IT BE YOU AND NOT ME GOD. PLEASE GIVE ME COURAGE AND BOLDNESS! THANK YOU FOR GIVING ME A HEART FOR MINISTRY. I AM NOT WORTHY OF THIS HONOR BUT NOTHING PLEASES ME MORE THAN TO SERVE YOU. HELP ME KEEP MY HEART AND MIND OPEN TO YOUR CALLING. THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR TONIGHT GOD AND THANK YOU FOR ALLOWING LES TO EAT TONIGHT. I PRAY THAT YOU CONTINUE TO HEAL HIM AND BLESS OUR RELATIONSHIP. LOVE YA! AMEN

Friday, July 25, 2003

WHERE'S THE WHOLENESS AND HEALING?

I think my quest got a little interupted. I feel whole and I think I'm receiving healing but it's definately not as clean of a process as I thought it would be. How in the world did this blog become a "Dear Diary, I sure do miss Puff Puff" That's actually a neat little saying that got started in Philly but I wont get in to that. It's sick that this has become my dear diary there's this boy. I guess it really hasn't been that as much as the rantings and mental constipation of my sick relational skills. Is it really all that hard or do I just try to make everything into an issue? It's impossible for me to just go with the flow. I keep second guessing myself at everything. What's the deal? How did I possibly let Adam screw me up so incredibly bad? I've always been a nutball but this is absolutely insane. I've always had a problem saying no but at least I was always confident in my relationships. What happened? Adam happened that's what. How can one person screw you up so badly? How am I even able to remain friends with him?
It's really not his fault how I changed. He was no saint but I was the one would chose to stay in the relationship for so long and I was the one who allowed myself to turn into someone I wasn't. Enough about that.
I'm getting excited about leading a mission trip in the spring. I don't know how it's going to work out or which kids are even going to want to go but I'm just gonna take a leap of faith. It's on my heart to do this so here I go. GOD, I'M GONNA NEED A LOT OF YOUR HELP BIG GUY. I went to a mission meeting last night and as I was sitting there I got the idea to ask Ron to be my co-leader on this trip. I feel really good about asking him and he felt honored but I guess I should have waited awhile and prayed about it. I'm very impulsive like that. The idea pops into my head and I just run with it. Is that God placing those ideas in my head or is that just me following my own will? Just like even leading this trip. I was in Philly and on the first day before I had even gotten in the thick of my own first trip I decided that I was going to lead a trip during spring break. Then I just up and said I was going to do it. Still I have to wonder if that's just me being reckless and not giving any regard to what God's will is or is that me listening to God and fearlessly following what He wants me to do. I hope it's me fearlessly following what He wants me to do.
GOD I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY I GET THESE CRAZY IDEAS IN MY HEAD SOMETIMES. ALL I KNOW IS THAT IF IT FEELS RIGHT I SOMETIMES LEAP WITHOUT ASKING IF IT'S OKAY WITH YOU OR NOT. IS THIS MY WILL OR YOURS GOD BECAUSE I SO DESPERATLEY WANT IT TO BE YOURS. HELP GIVE ME DISERNMENT TO KNOW WHEN IT'S YOU AND WHEN IT'S JUST MY COCKEYED IDEA. I LOVE YOU GOD! YOU HAVE GIVEN ME SO MUCH AND I AM SO NOT WORTHY. THANK YOU FOR GIVING ME THE HONOR AND THE PRIVILEDGE TO SERVE YOU. AMEN
Hmmmm.... I would never give myself credit enough to lead a mission trip. In fact the task almost seems too incredible for me to do but I have faith that it's all going to work out. I think that's God because it sure isn't me. Honestly I really have no idea how it's all gonna work out and it's a little scary because what if I fail? But what if I'm faithful and God does some amazing things on this trip. I think He is! DID I MENTION THAT I'M EXCITED?

Thursday, July 24, 2003

THE BIG G

I can't believe how much time I've spent obsessing over Les and all the other insane things that happen in my life. I'm so self centered sometimes that it makes me sick. They showed the video of our mission trip to Philly at church yesterday and I realized that going on that trip was the most amazing experience I have ever had. Making God number one. That's what we were created for. I spent so much time in the word and seeking out God on that trip. I have barely been spending time reading the word lately. It's just plain sad really. Everyday of my life should be a mission trip and I should prepare like I did in Philly every single day of my life. Instead I've been consumed with insane thoughts and busyness. I've been so run down lately. My allergies have really been kicking my butt. That's still no excuse. I've got so much stuff going on this week and I'm trying really hard not to stress and allow God to just work through me. I'm getting really fired up about CrossRoads and some great stuff is in the works. Matthew H. told me to make sure I had my resume and my vision for CrossRoads turned into him by the end of the week. It's hard and I feel like I'm doing a horrible job on it. I'm not the best at expressing my passion on paper. I'm trying not to read to much into this but I would absolutely love this job. Then I could put all my time and energy into serving God. There is so much I want to do with CrossRoads but I just can't do it all with the amount of time I have to give. I already feel like I'm being stretched to thin. I hate to say it but if Les hadn't been sick this week I would have gone completely off my rocker. No time. Next week is not going to be any better. The time for me to get a full time job in ministry is getting closer. There's a assistant pastor job at a church in Salem, Oregon and I"m thinking of applying for it. I know my time here is fading fast and I'm ready to take that next step of faith. I love Gateway and all the people that go there but I'm kinda scared that God may call me to some other place. I hope and pray that it's Gateway but what if it's not? I'm trying to prepare myself for the possibility that I don't get hired as staff at Gateway. All I know is that something has to happen soon, either I'm hired or somebody else or it's going to be doom for me. I just don't have much time for anything. I need to go visit my family but with all these crazy meetings I don't know when I'm going to find time. How can I convince my family that God is the only way when I'm so busy that I can't find time to spend with them. I'm really trying to focus on God this week. I've realized that once again I've gotten myself all crazy with busyness and haven't even asked for His help or direction. He's the reason why I want to do all this so I need to keep Him in the center. Is this what He wants me to do? I hope so. I feel passionate about it. The bible says that He gives us the desires of the heart and I know He's wouldn't give me all this passion if He wasn't going to use it. Passion without God is useless though. Alright enough ranting for the day.

Friday, July 18, 2003

WHAT'S HEALTHY ANYWAY?

okay so les has been pretty sick and i think i've figured out why it's been so ackward for me. les likes to suffer alone. this is a completely new concept to me. i can't remember a time when i've been with a guy who was sick and wasn't there by his side until he got better. i was thinking about it but out of the last seven years of my life i've spend a little over five of those living with a guy. i've lived guyless for less than two years out of the last seven. no wonder i have no idea how to act. i don't even know what a healthy relationship looks like. my parents didn't give me a good model of what one looks like and living with someone out of the commitment of marraige is not healthy either. gosh does it really have to be this hard?
the longer les and i are together the more my baggage becomes apparent. i knew i had childhood baggage but i never realized how much relationship baggage i have as well. i swear the last week has been a painful trip down failed relationship lane. i've given my heart to guys that i will never be married to. there's just that much less of me that i have to give to my future husband. i think that's another reason why i'm so scared to get close to les. i don't want to give away another piece of me if he's not the one. that doesn't sound too healthy either, being afraid to even try. i think what the problem is that physical intimacy really scars you if you are not committed in a life long commitment. i don't want to do that anymore. i'll have to touch on this more later. i'm at the office and i've suddenly gotten incredibly sleepy. i'll have to try to remember the thing dawn and i talked about on my way home about just sleeping with a guy. i've been going through the same struggle she has with that. get to that later.

Thursday, July 17, 2003

TOUGH SITUATION

Okay here's the deal. I'm meeting with Adam tonight and I need to tell Les about it. I'm sure he'll understand but the poor thing is sick and to be honest I would be a little upset. The thing is that I'm meeting with Adam to set up boundaries so that our friendship doesn't cross the lines and Les will feel comfortable in the way Adam and I relate to each other. I'm torn because I want Adam to be able to come to me if he has a problem or if he wants advice or prayer but I don't want to be the first person he comes to or the only person. If Les had an ex-girlfriend that was relying on him for emotional support I would be a little upset to. A part of me doesn't even want to be friends with him but then I feel like I should be. Maybe it's because if I don't want to be freinds then that means I dated a guy I wouldn't have even bothered to be friends with. That's not entirely true either because Adam and I were just friends for a while. Not close ones but we hung out and had fun together. I don;t know maybe we don't even have that much in common. All I know is that I'm dreading telling Les because I don't want to hurt his feelings at all and I want him to know how absolutely crazy I am about him or else I wouldn't be doing this actually. I'm dreading telling Adam because I don't want to hurt him either and I have a bad feeling he's going to be an ass. And that's what I don't understand, if I know he's going to be a butthole why do I even want to bother being friends? I don't get it! If somebody knows please tell me!!

I'VE FORGOTTEN SOMETHING

jULY, 17, 2003

it seems as thought i've forgotten an important thing in all my rantings and ravings. i've left God out of the picture. i've been looking inward to myself to find all the answers. i've been consuming all my time with what i'm feeling and what i'm thinking. in a me driven society i guess there seems to be nothing wrong with that. as a child of God there's a lot wrong with that. i was never put on this earth to be focused on myself and to live a selfish existance. i was created to please God. if i'm looking inwardly towards myself i am looking away from the one who created me. i've struggled with my perfectionistic tendancies this week. i know i always will but even that has been distracting me from trusting and looking towards God. i never realized how satan can use our emotions to trap us in web. if i'm obsessing over things of this world my eyes are not where they are supposed to be. here's the tricky part. trying to decifer when i am avoiding things and when i'm not letting go and trusting God. one more thing to pray for Godly wisdom on. why is it so hard to let go when it feels so good to do it?

Wednesday, July 16, 2003

6/29/2003 ( philly )

God will never give us more than we can handle; so then whose the stronger of all of us? the person who lives in beverly hills, the person who was raised in the slums or me? whose really the stronger one and does it even really matter?

i think one of the really hard things to take in about this trip is finding a reason for such hurting and pain. what is the reason for the ghettos? how can God possibly bring glory to the ghetto or to some of the things that takes place in some of these peoples lives? i think today God used us to bring glory to some of these situations. if it wasn't for the problems that are so obviously present here we wouldn't be here and b/c of this trip people are going to learn and grow and have the courage and boldness to witness back at home.

as i was walking back to our dorms tonight i heard a metallica song playing on the streets. i believe the song was"nothing else matters." listening to the song brought back memories of a time when i was broken, desperate and alone. the reality of it is that some of these people are just as broken as i used to be. we are all equals with one major thing in common. we all need God to complete us and make us whole again. not everyone here is broken though. walking on the streets i saw a lot of pain but i also saw a lot of community. neighbors talk to each other and some of the kids receive more love and are happier than some wealthy kids. just b/c people are monitarily poor doesn't mean necessarily mean that they need to be rescued. some people in poverty are the richest people on earth.

church was so awesome this morning. i went in w/ a horrible attitude. i just knew that i was going to miss gateway so much and that the church was going to be lame. instead i saw a church filled with wise older people who loved and cared for each other. the pastor ( a woman! ) gave an awesome sermon and she really spoke from her heart. [ we need to put love first and holiness second ] even the hymns which i had written off as yucky really spoke to me today and even the recited stuff had a message to give. my heart was open to the message that God had prepared. God prepared my heart and it's b/c of Him that i was able to hear in a church like that for the first time. it was awesome to see people from two different parts of the country, coming from two totally different tyoes of churches come together to share in God's love and minister to each other. that's how it's supposed to be. GOD IS SO GOOD!

my heart was broken by the addiction, despair, saddness and pain i saw today. it also leaped for joy as i saw God working through the other members on this trip. i was also enlightened by bits of insight into God and how i've been perceiving the world and God's people from a worldly view and not a Godly view. ALL STEREOTYPES ARE YUCKY. I WILL NEVER BE PERFECT SO I SHOULD JUST DEAL!

DEVOTIONS

These daily devotionals have been so right on lately. It's God speaking directly to me. Seriously this is something I constantly struggle with, trust.

Our daily walk is made one slow step at a time as we "trust in the Lord
with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding" (Proverbs
3:5). Usually, we are allowed to see only the next few steps; "Your
Word is a lamp unto my feet, and a light for my path" (Psalm 119:105).
Our security must come from simply knowing we're on His path, not from
feeling we control the direction of our journey.

This security must be based on faith in Jesus Christ and a pure love
which flows from the innermost part of our heart. Even activities such
as church attendance, Bible study, or work in various ministries mean
nothing without love and become a false security when they replace the
need to abide in the presence of God or daily seek His direction.

Let's not allow our lives to develop a sense of security which shuts
out
the need for God and the hunger for His presence. A walk of faith will
always require stepping into the unknown; trust will always require a
release of some independence; and true love for God will always require
abandoning that which keeps us from Him. Let's lean on Him, love Him,
and draw ever closer - let's seek true security by only being secure in
His presence.

LAST DAY

July, 16, 2003

So today is the last day at the pimp house. I must admit it's pretty sad. What a rockin place to stay. I should have gone on the roof more. Shoulda, coulda, woulda, isn't that how it normally goes? Poor Les is sickie. He hasn't been a big cry baby either like most guys are. Maybe it's still too soon in the relationship for him to be a whiner. It would totally be fine if he was. So, today I'm not freakin out. I've actually got a perma grin on my face, excellent!! I went to his apartment last night and we finally prayed together. It was soo nice. Prayer is such a powerful thing! I know it's God calming my fears about our relationship. I've been fighting it this whole time but I'm feeling it. Our relationship besides our one weakness is perfect. How could I not be feeling it? This is the first time I've let or am going to let myself just do it and fall for a guy. Pretty scarey stuff but it's going to be absolutely amazing.

When I left last night I went to go get him some drugs at the store and when I came back he said he knew I would do that. He's already starting to figure me out. I guess I'm really not a hard one to figure out, at least in that regard. As far as being able to figure out what's going on in my head, I think he's a long ways from that. I don't even understand what's going on up there.

I told him I have a blog through blogger because he asked. It's not very hard to figure out what my address is. He asked if he could look at it but mine is soo much different than his. Reading this is probably a little like walking around in my head and honestly I'm sure it's probably scary to most people. I'm even scared by it. He said he wasn't going to go searching for it or read it if he happened to come across without my permission. I don't think I could do that. I'd be like Nate and I would probably be up all night trying to figure out what the URL is. Such will power. I couldn't do it. LES IF YOU BROKE DOWN AND ARE READING THIS HI! I DON'T REALLY CARE IF YOU READ THIS BUT I JUST DON'T WANT TO KNOW ABOUT IT. Honestly he could read this and I don't really care. If I just gave him the address though I'm afraid that I would start censoring what I wrote. This blog has been pretty healing because I can rant and rave and be completely irrational. I wonder if anyone does read this. What if somebody has a link to my blog on their website? I don't really think I'm that interesing but what an interesting concept. Gotta get going. What am I going to do without a computer? Maybe I'll actually start working out again. I've caught a bad case of the chub so it would be a good thing.

Tuesday, July 15, 2003

why hide from the past when it makes us who we are?

DEVOTIONS

HOW STINKIN APPROPRIATE IS THIS FOR ME TODAY!? ACTUALLY I SHOULD READ THIS EVERY SINGLE DAY OF MY LIFE!!

Strain Toward The Vine

Our life in these mortal bodies will always fall short of God's
standard. From the moment sin entered the world, we've been unable to
satisfy God's requirement of perfection.
But, knowing our weakness,
God
gave His Son as a sacrifice to cover those who believe and make us
perfect in His sight; "By one sacrifice He has made perfect forever
those who are being made holy" (Hebrews 10:14). Faith in the sacrifice
of Jesus makes us perfect forever - this is the gracious gift of
Salvation; "it is by grace you have been save, through faith"
(Ephesians 2:8).

The grace of God makes us perfect the moment we are saved; but, for the
rest of our days on this earth, we are "being made holy." This is why
Paul, who freely writes about the gift of grace, can also exhort us to
a
life free of sin; "Do not let sin reign in your mortal body so that you
obey its evil desires" (Romans 6:12). Paul understands that, though we
have become "perfect forever," we have also been called to a high
standard of holiness. He therefore refers to his life after Salvation
as a race to be won; "Forgetting what is behind and straining toward
what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which
God
has called me" (Philippians 3:12-14).

The picture of a well-conditioned athlete straining toward the finish
line can be a wonderful motivator. However, when we press and strain
toward the wrong goal - or with our own strength - we will soon become
fatigued and discouraged. We are in a race, but we must allow Jesus to
establish the goal; "This is to My Father's glory, that you bear much
fruit" (John 15:8). The goal of a Christian life must always be to
produce fruit that glorifies God. Fortunately, Jesus also taught us
how
to produce fruit and attain the goal.

John 15:4-5
"No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine.
Neither
can you bear fruit unless you remain in Me. I am the vine; you are the
branches. If a man remains in Me and I in him, he will bear much fruit;
apart from Me you can do nothing."

We are called to produce fruit by living a life of holiness and
bringing
glory and honor to God in all we do. However, fruit can only grow if
we
remain intimately attached to the vine - a branch cannot produce
anything by itself! In our own strength we cannot produce holiness or
anything else esteemed by God. But when we allow the life of the vine
to flow through our veins, we WILL produce much fruit.

Let's attach firmly to the vine of Jesus Christ and allow Him to flow
though every part of our life. Let's live each day in the holy
presence
of God and produce baskets of fruit for His glory and honor. Let's run
to win the race as we press and strain toward the vine.

Have a Great Day!

Steve Troxel
God's Daily Word Ministries

TERRIFIED

July 15, 2003

So what's new I'm freakin as usual. It's getting worse and worse. I think becasue I'm getting closer and closer to completely falling. Why can't I just do it!? I want to but instead I'm so scared that all I want to do is cry. What's wrong with me? I feel like I haven't talked to Les in years and all I want to do is talk to him or better yet see him but I'm scared to death of him. When I'm with him it's amazing but when I'm alone with only myself my head starts getting crazy. This better get easier. I keep wondering if it's going to come to a climaxing point and then I'll finally be able to stop thinking to much. For my first attempt at trying to have a healthy relationship I don't think I'm being to incredibly healthy about it. I seriously feel like sobbing right now. Goodness when will I ever stop feeling like a total fruitcake. This healing crap sucks!! It's so hard to stay put and keep trudging forward when all I want to do is run like hell. I know once I get passed all this stupid crap I'm going to have a deeper relationship than I ever thought was possible.

So, I've had this anxious feeling. I'm sure it's a combination of a lot of things. Les, not being sure I'm where I'm supposed to be. All I want to do is live a life that delights God. I know God is totally happy with me but I want to do more and I want to do it now. I'm stressing about the possibility of being able to get on staff at Gateway and a place to live and I haven't even moved into the new place yet. I need to chill and trust God. All I can do now is pray that God gives me patience, faith and that He helps me to let go and totally rely on Him. I want to soo bad but it's so stinkin hard. I'm so incredibly weak. I want to be changed and I want to be changed now. I guess I need to stop being so hard on myself. My stupid perfectionist tendancies want me to be perfect and I get so mad at myself when I'm not but I'll never be perfect. I'LL NEVER BE PERFECT! GOD LOVES ME EVEN THOUGH i'M NOT PERFECT AND NEVER WILL BE. WHY CAN'T I? i'M GOING TO FAIL SOMETIMES BUT THAT'S OKAY BECAUSE WE LEARN FROM OUR FAILURE. SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO FAIL IN ORDER TO GROW. It's supposed to help when you say this kinda stuff out loud. I know all this intellectually but I have such a hard time internalizing it. That stupid tape full of lies keeps playing over and over. I'm not good enough and I'm not doing enough. I'm doing plenty! The bottom line is I really desire to do ministry full time and that dumb tape keeps playing in the back ground. I will do ministry full time someday so I need to relax and enjoy where I'm at right now. I'm always on the verge. I feel I'm on the verge of so much. Of getting a clearer picture. I just need to breath in and out and wait patiently.

GOD PLEASE HELP ME TO BE PATIENT BECAUSE I DON'T POSSESS IT IN MYSELF TO SIT AND WAIT QUIETLY. HELP CALM MY FEARS AND ANXIETY AND HELP ME TO TRUST YOU COMPLETELY. YOU KNOW MY HEART AND YOU KNOW ALL I REALLY WANT TO DO IS PLEASE YOU BUT I'M WEAK AND I'M GOING TO FAIL. THANK YOU FOR FORGIVING ME. HELP TONIGHTS SMALL GROUP GO WELL AND THANKS FOR NEVER LEAVING MY SIDE EVEN THOUGH AT TIMES YOU FEEL SO FAR AWAY. AMEN

Did I mention how hard it's going to be without a computer? I know it's going to be good for me but goodness is it ever going to be hard. I'm fixin to have a bunch of free time. When am I gonna be able to blog when I'm sitting at home late at night and I'm manic. Don't they make drugs for my disorder?

Monday, July 14, 2003

RAMBLINGS

July 14, 2003
Okay so I'm supposed to be moved by Thursday and I haven't really started getting things going yet. I'm gonna miss the pimp house for sure. But I've always wanted to live in a deceased man's house. I really am thankful. No computer there so it's going to be a little difficult for me to cope. It actually might be good for me to get away from it. The office is close so I can always go there but I'm pretty much addicted to the computer.
So my boy has a blog too it seems. It's at www.lesbrown.net . Mines not nearly as cool as his but mine sure is a lot nuttier. Didn't tell him I have a blog. I'm not ready for him to read all this junk yet. In fact I don't know if I ever want him to read it. If I was him I might get my feelings hurt. In fact I know I would. I think Les is phenomenal and my intensions are definately not to be mean but all those fleeting crazy thoughts that some people choose to ignore, I've choosen to broadcast on the web. Nobody reads this thing anyway.
I've haven't really been working on my stupid, dumb horrible book. Alright, I haven't picked it up since that week that
I was totally flipping out. I need to though. I am just still so broken in a couple areas of my life. I think I already mentioned this but that orphan feeling has been pretty strong lately. I need to talk to my mom about getting some info about my dad. Summers almost over and I haven't even started on trying to find him. I'm suddenly sad. I wish I could just walk away from the past. As evident last night, that's just not possible.
A few possibilties other than the Houston thing popped up for Les. So if Les doesn't go to Houston where does that leave me and my feeling that I was going to go to Houston to help Les start a church? I think it would be rockin to start a church in Philly. But really where does that leave me? I've kinda just been lookin as Houston as something that
I was also working towards. I thought I was being open to go anywhere that God was calling ME but maybe I wasn't or I haven't been. Where does God want me? I'm not quite sure that it's Austin. Although I love this city I'm feeling a little antsy about moving out of the city. I'll go anywhere, at least I'm praying that I'll have the faith to go where ever God calls. Is that just me wanting to escape? I hope not. There's gotta be something more. I'm satisfied, at least I think I am but I'm ready to serve fulltime. How do I get there? It's so hard being patient!! I still have so much to learn and so much more to grow.
On a side note Cheek's coming to small group on Wednesday. This should be interesting! I realized that if I was with Cheek instead of Les I'd be freakin out the same way. It' just my way of sabotaging relationships. When Cheek and I had been hanging out I remember watching Les play guitar on Sundays and think how amazing he was. I'm a friggin freak. Dawn still thinks Bill is attractive and she is in love with Ben. I need to stop feeling so guilty. I'm not doing a thing wrong and you really can't help who you are attracted to. I don't want to be with Cheek so I need to stop being a moron!
Back to Les, I'm scared, I'm scared, I'm scared. Okay so DAwn asked me why I'm just not gonna stay here and live with Steve. I think I'd really like to but I don't think I'd really like it if Les lived with a girl. Well, it would really depend on the girl. Well, what I'm afraid of is if I ask Les and he doesn't think the idea is so hot, which rationally I totally understand, I'll get pissed and want to do it out of spite. Poor Les he has so much to content with. I'm so hyper sensitive about so much crap and it has absolutely nothing to do with him. I refuse to be controlled like I was with Adam so now everytime I think it's anything like that I freak a little. For example. When we went to Philly I guess I said something that sounded like the guys and gals were all staying in one room. Les made a comment like, the guys and girls are staying in the same room? He sounded a little concerned and it miffed me a little. I didn't say anything at all of course but it still kinda bugs me. I know it really has nothing to do with him and I'm just projecting one of the many awful times I got screamed at by Adam.
Speaking of Adam, I'm gonna have dinner with him on Thursday. My idea. I need to tell him about Les and how serious it is. Is it necessary? I think it is because I'd want to know if the shoe was on the other foot. Granted it would hurt if I still felt the way that he does about me but I'd want to know. I know he's going to be an ass about it too. Why do I even want to bother being friends with someone who I know has the potential to treat me like complete crap? I need to stop being a doormat. I think I'm a little too nice sometimes. It's the whole my feelings have little or no value thing. UGH I hate that. When am I ever going to have healthy thinking!?

Sunday, July 13, 2003

CAN'T HIDE

July 13,2003

You know what's really frustrating? When you finish a post and the dumb cat hits the keyboard and it gets erased!! So I'll have to try to sum it up in a few sentences. CrossRoads was great cuz I finally gave the control over to God! Saw REx at John K's thing tonight. Wanted to hide the past at first but then realized that I needed to come clean with John and I feel really blessed that I may have the opportunity to build a relationship with Rex again and show him how awesome God is!

Thursday, July 10, 2003

OVERWHELMED

Okay so I'm feeling overwhelmed right now. I need to be doing something more productive than this right now but oh well. So much to do and so little time. Breath in, breath out and remember God is in control. A little better. When will i get it through my thick head that as long as I do what God puts on my plate then I'm doing good. I just want to make sure people are doing okay and I want CrossRoads to boom. Is that what God wants though? I think so. I just need to make sure that this is really His will and not me wanting to glorify myself. I sure hope not.
I'm feeling better than i was earlier. Had a freaky experience today. I was driving Muffit to Jamie's and I totally zoned out and when I came to I had no idea where I was and started to panic. I swear I was a complete zombie today. Maybe it's a brain tumor. It really was a pretty scary experience. What's wrong with me? I feel better now then I did earlier but I've had some kickin chest pain today. I know something is just not quite right with me but everytime I've gone to the dumb doctor he makes me feel like I'm a freakin nut job. Maybe I am. I wonder what would be worse, to find out I had something seriously medically wrong with me or to find out I really am a nut job. I know I'm pretty crazy but it would be really hard to take if I was a certifiable nut job. I'm exhausted and I have a zillion trillion things I need to do. Thank goodness God makes us strong. Why am I still writing?

YUCKY!

July 10, 2003

I feel like a big pile of gooey muck. No enegry, I'm achy and I got a sexy fever blister to boot. AWESOME!! Everybody at small groups yesterday kept asking me if I was okay. I thought I was. Maybe I looked bad because of this sickness coming on or maybe I was upset about my momma. When I called her it was as if everything was okay. She doesn't like the fact that I'm dating Les and makes it a point to be critical. That of course pisses me off. She's fine with the idea of me getting married to a guy who is a jackass to me but when I'm with a good guy who treats me so incredibly well she acts like a butthole just because she hates the fact he's a pastor in training. What a freak!! Well, I think the stupid anger stage is fading and I'm moving onto grieving. Not crying yet but I sure do need to. I want my mom to be my mom but she is so not capable of that and it sucks!! Why can't there be at least one sane person in my family. I'm feeling like an orphan today. I wish my neck would stop hurting. I guess I'm fixin to start my period or something because I sure am being a whiny brat today. I guess that's okay once in awhile. I swear it feels like my body is going to fall apart today.
Sooo... I'm still geeking about Les. When will the insanity stop. He's so incredible and that's what's freakin me out. I make absolutely no sense at all. He takes such great care of me and I think it doesn't settle well with me because I've tried to play tough girl for so long. I don't need anyone, I can take care of myself, and I definately don't need any help. When will I let someone help me and feel comfortable about it? I guess I'm still struggling with my intense fear of being dependent. Too bad I've swung to the complete opposite side of the spectrum and can't accept help. There is a big problem with my need to be this independent. The sad thing is that I'm actually better than I used to be. Just need to stick with it and hopefully one day I'll finally be normal. I keep asking myself how do I know Les is the right one? Well, I don't know if he is and there is a chance that I will walk away from this with a broken heart but I survived Adam and the ones before him so what's the big deal? I will never find the right guy if I don't take a risk. Too darn fatigued to write anymore. What's up with that? Moving shouldn't be this hard.

Wednesday, July 09, 2003

oh yeah. my mom called me last night. i didn't hear the phone ring so i didn't get to talk. i'm fixin to call her in a minute. it's going to be interesting. i'm sure a little prayer could help. i just looked back at some of the stuff i've wrote and i realized that i'm absolutely, positively insane!! i'm am such an emotional girl that it's not even funny. i'd like to think that i keep a level head about things most of the time but wow am i ever driven by my emotions!! on my way to work i started to freakin about les again. now i know that it's just a defense mechanism. he is soo postively amazing and i couldn't ask for more. i want him to know everything about me but it's so scarey for me to get close. at least i realize this so i don't end up sabotaging a wonderful relationship. i have been looking for the smallest reason to throw this away. it's not him at all it's me. it's all good. did i meantion how amazing les brown is? see it doesn't make any cotton pickin sense. i am just in complete awe of him yet sometimes there's a part of me that wants to run far far away. what's up with that?

6/28/2003 ( PHILLY )

"I have never stopped thanking God for you. I pray for you constantly, asking God, the glorious Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, to give you spiritual wisdom and understanding, so that you might grow in your knowledge of God. I pray that your hearts will be flooded with light so that you can understand the wonderful future he has promised to those he called."
Ephesians 1:16-18

"JESUS IS MY HOMEBOY"
On the plane ride to Philly there was a young man who some people in society would probably deem as "ghetto" worthy. As I saw him I thought he was an opportunity for me to witness. The funny thing is that he goes to a Christian colleg and had one of those red neck hats turned to the side that said "Jesus is my homeboy." Instead on me witnessing to him, he witnessed to me. First off, I need to stop judging people by there outward appearance and just love them. I need to be humble and let God lead me. And when witnessing it's important to meet people where they are. Different things will work for different people. It's my responsibility to wait for God's wisdom to discover where I can meet them at.

"Lesson #2"
Paul the steward. This guy who was a steward on the plane talked to us and we let the ball drop. Why have I been waiting for Philly to witness to others about God? I should pray everyday that my heart is open to God's leading, in my own city, everyday.

I'm still a little anxious about where I'm gonna live, work, and pay for everything. I feel the answer is on the horizon. I was thinking of the possibility that God may want me to stay in Philly and I started worrying about what I would do with my finances. If God wants me in Philly or whereever He wants me He is going to provide for all of my needs.

Father God,
Please open my heart and mind to your calling. Bind any doubt or distractions that cause me to doubt your truth and wisdom. Help me to have faith like Paul and follow you wherever you may lead. I want nothing more than to serve you and do your will so I pray that you will grow me to follow you selflessly.
Amen

July 9, 2003
I guess I'll just randomly put the journal entries that I wrote through out my week in Philly on the web as I find time. Had small group last night with CrossRoads. Let me tell you it was a definate rough start. The kids were in a bad mood and I have to admit that I wasn't exactly the best prepared that I could have been. We met at EZ's and it was loud and distracting and God was just not there. As I started to get frustrated I just had to stop everything and pray. Things got going a lot better but it is just a reminder that everything that I do especially when it comes to serving God should have Him in the center. I should have prayed before I walked into EZ's. I should have prayed before we got started with the group. I should have included God first and foremost. I gotta keep reminding myself that it is not by my will or my strength but by God's. I can't do a single thing for those teens if I don't allow God to work through me. IT"S NOT ME, IT"S HIM! That's actually a little relieving. I was feeling a little inadaquate yesterday about my bible knowledge and about being a leader. God has called me to be here and I need to trust the fact that He is the one who has placed this desire in my heart and He's gonna help me carry it through, if I stop and allow Him to. Josh said that Charlie is going to come next Tuesday. YEAHH! I've really been trying to think of ways to get him connected in to the group. I sense that he has a huge heart but is not quite sure which direction he should take. I'm excited!
I think it's totally cool how God totally answered my prayers about a place to live. Looking back on my old journal entry it just drives home that I don't need to worry about a thing and that God is going to take care of everything for me. I just need to pray that God allows me to let go of all my worries and doubts. Much easier said than done but nothing is impossible for God. I think it's funny how I constantly have to keep reminding myself about some things. It's so easy to get wrapped up in things and forget to put God first. It's a constant struggle and a battle. I wonder if I will ever just remember or if I will always have to keep reminding myself. Thank goodness that God is such a graceful God. He made me this way for a reason and for His purpose. I can't wait to have a chat with Him about that one. He made me perfect in His eyes. That's so strange because I definately can't understand it.

Tuesday, July 08, 2003

AM I THE SAME?

July 8, 2003

So much has happened over the last couple of weeks. I don't know where to start and I don't know how long I can go since I decided to take a tylenol pm. I guess I'll start off with the mission trip to Philly that I went on. It was amazing and I feel very blessed to have been able to go on it. I learned soo much and I hope I'm not the same person I was before I went. I did some journaling and I'm trying to decide if I want to transfer it on this. HMMM. Might be a good idea. Well, my brain is actually already starting to shut down. I've done some fasting the last couple of weeks and it has been amazing. I fasted the Friday before I went on the mission trip and I'm fixing to finish a two day fast today. I'm pretty hungry but I think there's definately something to fasting for more than one day. I don't know if I updated this about the house sitting I've been doing. I met a friend of Joe Leake's at his party I guess almost three weeks ago. The guys name is Steve and I only talked to him for about five minutes about house sitting for him while he went on a trip to Peru. Well, I met with him the following day and I've been staying at his house ever since. He comes back July 17th and I've been nervous about where I was going to live. I knew I couldn't move back in with Kate because I would go absolutley crazy. Well, last night Steve offered to let me continue to stay here for two hundred a month and I got another opportunity to stay at Jamie's neighbor's house rent free. God is so awesome! He has provided in ways that I couold have never imagined!
I was dreading coming back to work on Monday after the mission trip. I thought that I would feel very unfullfilled at work. Well, Monday morning was pretty rough but as the day progressed I got a little clarity. God gave me this job for a reason and I thought I had already served my purpose but as I went through my day I got the feeling that I wasn't done yet. I don't quite know what my purpose for staying at this job is yet but I know that I need to be patient and stay there until I've done what God wants me to do. It's pretty crazy how God allowed me to feel contentment with where I'm at. I thought I could be doing so much more for Him but He wants me to stay here for a little longer. I can dig that.
Adam has decided to accept the promotion in Midland. He moves next weekend. I'm happy for him and I think this is a very good choice for him. He sounded so sad on the phone. I feel bad and I have to admit I'm a little sad about it myself. I don't quite understand that though. I think it's the ultimate realization that it's over for good. It's not that I want him back or would ever consider taking him back so I don't quite get it. He really is a good guy he just is a butthead as a boyfriend. I hope he's able to realize that he has some things he needs to work through before he finds the next girl. I think I'm more sad because I know that this is really hard on him. I almost feel a little guilty for being so happy with Les. ALMOST.. Adam really did a number on me. I didn't realize it but some of the things I'm struggling with now is because of him. I should be pissed but instead I feel sad and sorry for him. If I had married him I would have been so miserable and I would have totally missed out a completely wonderful guy.
Oh, talked to Brett yesterday. He's doing good. It was great talking to him. I love that guy. He has a new girlfriend. I'm so excited for him. She sounds like a keeper too! Finally he's found a nice girl, who is a strong Christian to boot!! I told him about Les and I hope that one day we will be able to all get together. It's so good to get Brett's perspective on things. We were together for four years after all so he knows what's up. I told him I was scared about Les and getting rejected. He told me to stop being crazy. How do you stop being crazy when that's apart of who you are? Gonna go to S.A. this weekend. Should be interesting. Uhhh! Hope all this stuff is making sense. I can't think straight!! Got to go to bed!!!