Thursday, August 28, 2003

GRRR!

i love when i loose my posts. the intense emotion is no longer here anymore. not that my last post was so intense. i just wanted to remember a few things from the sermon last night. 1. i need to make sure that i am trying to be successful in God's eyes and not the world's 2. when i feel it's from God even though i'm not a hundred percent sure i need to take that step of faith no matter what the consequences may be.
burke said that he has never been a hundred percent sure that something has been from God. he feels certain it's from God only about 60 percent most of the time. that's one of the biggest things that i struggle with. trying to figure out what is from God and what is from me. it's good to hear that i'm not the only one who struggles with that.
so lately i've felt like my heart is a tiny lump of coal. i don't have that burning fire lately. maybe it's because i'm exhausted and i haven't been sleeping very much or because there's a good chance that this next guy that is coming to teach in crossroads is going to score a home run and he'll get hired. honestly after this week i seroiusly doubt that i would have been cut out for the job and this guy seems amazing and will be an incredible mentor for me. however, i can't lie to myself. i still want the job even though i understand that this is probably the best way for everybody. the youth, the church and especially for me. i think i can learn a ton from this guy. i really am excited and i'm glad that it seems that we are so close to finally having someone hired for crossroads. maybe this lump of coal feeling is a test from God. will i still be faithful even though i'm not feeling the fire in the belly? i still have faith that working with youth is where i'm supposed to be. i love them sooo much and feel so incredibly blessed to be apart of their lives. i just feel blah. it could also be a bad case of the period from heck. i feel like my inside are melting.
les and i have been through quite the eventful week. it sure could have broken us if we had let it but instead i feel closer to him than ever and i really feel like we have taken a step forward in our relationship. i feel comfortable taking risks and telling him how i feel now and i feel so blessed to have him in my life. there's only one last hurdle that i can see david cheek. i think cheek and i are fine but because of an email i got from cheek i'm starting to wonder if we appear to be more than friends. when we were at chris's baptism his roommate said in front of les, you guys act like ya'll are married. i about fell out of my chair. that same night heather asked cheek if we had ever thought about dating. i don't know if she was prompted from that comment or if we're acting out of line. i feel very connected to cheek and i love hanging out with him and i don't feel like we are being out of line but it's not worth risking what i have with les over it. it is true that if les and i weren't together that yes i probably would date cheek but i don't think that's so wrong and we should end our friendship because of it. there have been several guys that i have felt really connected to and there was always a draw to each other but the timing was never right. take d.j. for example. we always connected and we both knew that if we had ever happened to be single at the same time we would try to date. but that's not quite true either. d.j. and i were both single at the same time but the timing was never right. by the time i was actually ready to date after brett d.j. had already found himself a nice girl. i think d.j. and i could have worked out but he married an amazing girl that i think works even better for him. i think God knew this and that's why the timing was never right. God has bigger plans for both of us and being together would never have accomplished those goals. even brett, i care so deeply about him and we will always be connected and i will always love him but we will never work out. he's dating a fabulous girl now and he thinks this one is it and i'm so stinkin excited for him. i think d.j., brett and cheek all kinda fall in to the same catagory. i think i will always be especailly fond of those guys but that doesn't mean that it has to be anything more. i know that i need to make sure though that i do not cross any lines and that i would feel comfortable if les had a relationship with a girl that was the same as cheeks and mine. i would as it stands now. i just don't want to be giving off the wrong signals to anyone. it's also hard because i am such an affectionate person to all my friends guys and gals. that's how i really feel loved and how i show my love to others. i am a huggy touchy feely person what can i say.
i am supposed to be with les brown. i know it's a God thing. even though other opportunites have arisen for les i know i'm going to go with him to houston and help him start his church. he is so incredible and i feel like the luckiest girl ever!

Thursday, August 21, 2003

MODERN BRIDE

i don't have much time to write but i feel that i have to try to get this down anyway. i got a new issue of modern bride yesterday. as usual kate and ree laughed and so did i. i still find it amusing that i broke up with adam before the first issue ever came. i was in a good mood all day yesterday and on my way to small groups i suddenly felt drained emotionally and felt very antisocial. it took a lot for me to go last night. i went to bed last night around nine which helped a lot but this morning i still felt just plain yucky. i couldn't put my finger on it. then on my way to work i glanced over at the modern bride sitting on the passenger seat. then it hit me. i remember back in high school when i was dating a guy and he asked me what my biggest fears were. at the time they were: growing old and getting married. i not only feared both of these things i was terrified of them. i've gotten over the growing old thing. i was afraid to grow old and decrepid because i didn't want to have to rely on anyone to take care of me. pretty sad for a sophmore in high school. i guess by then i had already learned that the only peron i wanted to take care of me was myself. my parents didn't take care of me so that totally makes sense. as far as the marraige thing i thought i was over that. i'm not. i realized that i'm more afraid of things working out with les then things not working out. i think that's why i've been so scared to really open up to him. it's not just, once he gets to know me he wont want me, but maybe once he gets to know me he'll love me. i'm scared of needing him or actually wanting to marry him. i don't want to be in a miserable marraige like my mom. i almost fooled myself into doing just that. i fear repeating patterns in life because of baggage from my childhood. i'm tired of being scared but i'm so glad that i realize that there are things i need to work through. needless to say i think it's time for a trip to s.a. to make sure i'm processing things in a healthy manner.

Wednesday, August 20, 2003

IT'S NOT JUST ME

what would it be like to fully and absolutely do the job? i wonder about that. sometimes i'm not even sure what my job is supposed to be. in fact, i wonder about it a lot. am i right about going to plant a new church? do i have the right qualities to do that? shouldn't i find a partner to go in with me? wouldn't i be better at something else? i ask myself these questions all the time. they plague me. i don't think john ever had those sorts of questions, or if he did, i bet he just answered them and went right back to work. john was focused on what he was supposed to do and he did it. then, when it came time for him to stop doing it, he stopped. john just did what he was supposed to do, regardless.

i wish i had that in me. what a great quality. i just don't have that kind of focus, or more importantly, that kind of obedience. it's just not part of me right now. i'm trying to get there and i know it's possible - john was just a man, afterall. but i still have a ways to go. i guess we all do, really. that's why we need each other.


i know a lot of times i feel like i'm crazy and that i'm the only one who is bombarded with such questions. what am i supposed to do? i have been given this passion but is this really what i'm supposed to be doing? should i pick what's behind door number one or door number two? which one does God want me to pick? it plagues me. i completely understand that because it plagues me too. doubt doubt doubt. fear that we will make the wrong decision or will disappoint God or not live up to our expectation that we feel God has set for us. I think just our willingness to want to serve God and make the correct decision proves that our hearts are in the right place. what we need to do though is sit back and be patient. God gives us the desires of our hearts and he gives us our talents and our passions. when we are involved in doing what we are passionate about it is so apparent that we were created for doing just that. however, once removed from the situation doubt creeps in. what if i'm not good enough, what if i fail, what if i disappoint God. that's where faith steps in we wait patiently until God answers the questions for us. faith that God wouldn't put something on our plate that is too big for us to handle. even our mistakes and our wrong choices prepare us for what our real purpose is. have faith that if we wait patiently enough God will present opportunites to us that will answer our ever burning question "what am i here for"? if we knew what it was before the time was right i really think we would screw it up. I don't think it's a matter of focus it's a matter of faith. GOD PLEASE HELP GIVE ME FAITH TO FOLLOW YOU FEARLESSLY. HELP ME TO RECOGNIZE WHEN THINGS ARE FROM YOU AND WHEN THINGS ARE JUST CAUSING ME TO BECOME DISTRACTED. I LOVE YOU GOD AND I DESIRE TO GO WHEREVER YOU WANT ME TO GO.

Tuesday, August 19, 2003

DISTRACTIONS, DISTRACTIONS

satan is a dirty rotten punk. he's been trying to use anything to keep me distracted from God. talked with les tonight and everything is all good. it's all just a bunch of misunderstandings and me just being a dumb girl. i feel secure again. let's see how long it takes this time. gotta keep my focus on God. small groups with the teens was interesting. it was hard keeping them focused but when they were it was amazing to see God really working through them. when we were praying tonight i could feel God's presence from head to toe. it was so intense. He's really moving in that group of teens and it's amazing. God is so good! there is nothing cooler than watching God work through those kids.

GO WITH THE FLOW

I heard an awesome sermon today. I intercepted a tape for David on Sunday and listened to it on my way to work. I know I struggle with trying to figure out what comes from God and what is just junk coming from me or satan. the sermon basically said that if it's from the Spirit then it will lift you up and bring you joy or will push you to grow. If something is not lifting you up and is only dragging you down then it's definately not from the Spirit. We have the choice of allowing destructive thoughts to distract us from God or not. I never thought of it that way. When I'm beating myself up or thinking negatively I am not giving glory to God and I'm allowing dumb satan to keep me distrated from God. It's so easy to be distracted from what is really important. I know my mind can be my worst enemy sometimes. It's nice to know that with God's help I can control my savage beast of a mind. FOCUS! That's what I need is just a little focus. GOD PLEASE HELP KEEP ME FOCUSED ON YOU!

Monday, August 18, 2003

WHAT THE HECK HAPPENED?

I fell for him that's what happened and it doesn't look like it's going to turn out good. If I had to do over again would i do it? Yes but I'd would want to fall even harder. WOW! I've come further than I thought. I can't say that I feel good right now but it's good to know that I"m finally ready. Les is amazing and I totally admire him but I deserve a guy who thinks I'm da bomb to. He used to, I'm not quite sure what happened. A little saddness never hurt anyone. God is still sooo GOOD!

Wednesday, August 13, 2003

MY BOYFRIEND IS AMAZING!

This came from Les's Blog. I am so blown away by him. There is nothing hotter than a man on fire for God.

to live is Christ...
For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain. If I am to go on living in the body, this will mean fruitful labor for me. Yet what shall I choose? I do not know! I am torn between the two: I desire to depart and be with Christ, which is better by far; but it is more necessary for you that I remain in the body. (Philippians 1:21-24 NIV)

in light of my previous entry i have to confess that i've been a sluggard here lately. sure, there are reasons, but i haven't been keeping up with my commitment to scripture notes. i'll try to do better in the future.

as far as this passage goes, i personally find it somewhat fascinating. however, i'm not so concerned with the question, "should i live or should i die?" to me the most important part of this passage is the first sentence: For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain.

think about that first statement...to live is Christ. seriously, take a minute right now and think about what that means to you.

it's pretty intense isn't it? for paul, everything in life was focused on Christ. he could have said something like, "For me, my relationship with Christ is more important than anything else." but he didn't say that. no, paul says my life is Christ. it's not about just having a relationship; it's about yielding my life over to Christ so that it becomes his life here on earth. so many times we want to be buddies with God or to be pals with Jesus. those are nice thoughts but it's really not what we're called to do. we're called to die and let Christ live in our place.

to be honest, i haven't been very good at that in life. i like to think that i've died to self and let Christ live, or that i've decreased so that he could increase, but the truth is, i've never really done it. not in the way that paul describes anyway. the closest i've ever come has been the times when i've been spending a lot of time with God. think about it, whenever Jesus was going through a tough time or was about to, what did he do? he went and spent a lot of time with God. why should we be any different? i mean, if Jesus needed that, how much more do we? in reality i probably really need to spend several hours a day with God, but i rarely give him as much as an hour. in all truth, if i spend 30 minutes with God in the morning, i feel pretty good about it and it helps me considerably. think about what it would be like to spend one hour every morning with God. better yet, consider what life would be like if you could somehow go through the entire day with God. think about the impact it would make in my life and yours if we took everything to God and made it our goal to honor him in every meeting, every phone call, every work project, and literally everything else we do. what if we actually tried to follow every leading of the Spirit and just had faith to do whatever God asked? that's how i want to live. i think then i could honestly say, "for to me, to live is Christ." until then...


I love the book of Philippians. Every verse in that book packs a huge punch. God just blows my mind. He send us His son Jesus to be our Savior. Jesus had to face the same temptations and the same struggles that you and I face but He still never fell short of God's glory. I love the fact that Jesus knows exactly what I go through on a daily bases. He knows what it's like to be tempted, He knows what it's like to feel rejection and pain. He knows what it's like to be me. I want to strive to be more like Christ everyday but I will never get there. I think that's why I am so fasinated by Paul. Paul had a colorful past and even pursecuted Christian yet God still used him and he became an incredible servant of God. I will never be like Jesus but I would sure love to have the faith of Paul. We could all be like Paul. How do we do it though? Where do you get that kind of faith? It just blows me away. The bible is full of people who God used to do His work yet they all had faults. Not a single one was perfect and He loved them so much and they are consider the heros of the bible. WE WILL NEVER BE PERFECT! I question a lot how God could use someone like me to do His work. How does someone with my kind of past deserve to serve God in ministry? What a perfect way for satan to keep us down. What would have happened if Paul had not spread the word of God because he felt ashamed of his past? Can you imagine someone standing in the presence of God and telling him "no I don't think so God." Yet everytime we feel God's call on our lives and we doubt if we are good enough we stand in the presense of God and tell him no. GOD I DON'T WANT TO TELL YOU NO. HELP ME HAVE THE FAITH THAT PAUL HAD. HELP ME TO SERVE YOU FEARLESSLY AND WITHOUT QUESTION. THE TRUTH OF THE MATTER IS NOTHING YOU CALL ME TO DO I WILL BE ABLE TO DO MYSELF. EVERYTHING WILL LOOK WAY TOO BIG FOR ME TO ACCOMPLISH AND THE TRUTH IS THAT BY MYSELF IT IS TOO BIG TO ACCOMPLISH. I AM ONLY A VESSEL GOD. I PRAY THAT I DIE TO THIS WORLD AND TO MY OWN SELF AND MY OWN WILL AND I TOTALLY AND COMPLETELY LET GO AND STEP OUT IN FAITH AND ALLOW YOU TO WORK THROUGH ME. ANYTHING I DO WITHOUT YOU IS ABSOLUTELY WORTHLESS. AMEN

Sunday, August 10, 2003

TAKING THE PLUNGE

i am craving intimacy from my relationship with les. it's been a little weird lately but i am so head over heels for that guy. i'm ready to finally let go and allow myself to just love him and take the risk of being hurt. i wanted to talk to him yesterday about it but then he mentioned chicago again and i needed to process if i was willing to take that plunge even though there is a possibility that he might move. well, yes i am. didn't get to talk to him today either but i can't keep it in anymore so les just got his first diareaha email. i feel alittle exposed and i'm a little nervous okay right now i'm a lot nervous about how he's going to react but i'm tired of playing it safe. i'm tired of being scared. i'm falling in love with the guy and i want him to know that i'm crazy about him and i want to step up our relationship. i hope the email came across that way. it was so hard not spending real time with him this weekend. i hope he wanted to spend as much time with me as i wanted to with him. i'm scared that he doesn't and it has made me feel insecure. of course i had my freak out day saturday but saturday night when i was with him and cheek (at austin city limits which was awesome by the way) i realized how absolutely crazy i am about him and it's so worth the risk. he's so awesome! i hope he's feeling it too but i don't think he is. oh well, i'm gonna love him without expecting to be loved back. God's got my back if i get hurt. it would be cooler if i didn't.
God has refreshed my heart and my soul. i'm so happy about that because i was a little rough around the edges last week. i know the period from HELL yes i did wite hell and let me tell you it absolutely was, didn't help at all. i was an emotional wreck, couldn't think rationally, tired beyond all belief, grouchy grouchy grouchy, i turned into a freakin pizza face, aliens kicked boxed in my uterus, and a got a freakin fever blister on my chin. one of my kids this morning asked who punched me in the face. that's almost as cool as everyone telling me i looked tired this week. i definately had a i need to be wearing a paper bag over my head week. i sure do love God! He's given me my sense of humor back. i don't know why He made me this way but hopefully i delight Him and once in awhile i even make Him laugh. i absolutely love les's laugh i wonder how amazing it would be to hear God laugh? les leads worship next sunday. i'm gonna faint. i hope it works out with him. i'm more vulnerable than i've ever been. THANK YOU GOD FOR GIVING ME COURAGE! THANK YOU FOR LOVING ME AND NEVER GIVING UP ON ME! I WANT TO MAKE YOU LAUGH GOD, HELP ME TO BE THE KIND OF PERSON THAT MAKES YOU LAUGH. I CAN'T DO IT ALONE AND I NEED YOUR HELP. THANK YOU FOR ALL THE CHANGES THAT YOU HAVE ALREADY MADE AND ARE GOING TO CONTINUE TO MAKE IN ME.

Wednesday, August 06, 2003

FEELIN SECURE

have i mentioned how grumpy i've been the last couple of days. i guess that's what happens when you keep pushing yourself and you leave God in the dust. i'm reconnecting to the big G but i need some rest and some solitude with God. i remember a time when i was going to make a weekly date night with God. i need to do that again. at least once a week just go and hang out with my Main Man. He's awesome!! well, i guess just to add to the insanity of my weeks i'm planning on training for the motorola marathon. i need to do something for myself so that's gonna be it. i'm gonna learn how to run. 26 miles!! i must be absolutely insane! so i have friday and most of tomorrow off. it couldn't have come at a better time. my weeks and my weekends have been absolutely insane. no rest just go go go! the next couple of days are going to be just what i need to restore and refresh me. YEAH!!!!
i had the best talk with les yesterday. it was effortless and amazing! i'm totally feeling secure. i wonder how long that will last? i'm a nut. i went to his door with my heart pounding but once a couple minutes went by it just flowed. finally!! heather said it would and it did. and that's all i have to say about that.

Tuesday, August 05, 2003

RELATIONSHIP FIRST

when in doubt don't worry, ask the Lord. okay how ironic is this? i worry about becoming like my grandma and my mom one day because they worry all the time. hmmm.. i'm worried about that? i think insanity runs in the family so i just need to except the fact that one day i will be crazy and wont know how to run any kind of electronics at all. how exciting!!
instead of fussing about things i need to put my relationship with God first. when i freak out because i don't know what's around the corner or don't know what to do i need to put God first. when i wonder if i'm serving God the right way i need to put God first. LOVE GOD AND HAVE A RELATIONSHIP WITH HIM FIRST AND THE REST FLOWS FROM THAT. that makes life so stinkin easy for us! so why is it so stinkin hard to do? it's not that i don't want to do it because i do but i always forget.

Monday, August 04, 2003

HOW EASILY WE FORGET!

wow has today ever been an emotional roller coaster. i guess i have a couple of those every week. maybe every single day. i hate been run by my emotions. i hate being the typical girl. i hate not thinking rationally. i hate not being able to look at things objectively. i hate not being able to step outside of my screaming head to look at a clear picture. i'm angry i'm sad. i just can't figure it out today. i can be so hard on myself. i was created this way for a reason and i am loved but i'm terrified. it's so hard taking a step of faith out into the unknown. i want to fall fearlessly but i can't at least not without help. have i ever mentioned how tired i am of being scared? love without expecting to be loved in return. i don't know if i'm capable of that. i'm not hopefully God can get me there.
i looked back on my journal from philly and it's funny how easily i've forgotten what i've learned. that's what i feared most. change is a life long process. God loves me and there is nothing i need to do to earn that love. when i was in philly i learned that i need to put my relationship with God before i put my service to God. i've totAlly been doing the opposite. i wrote down serveral times. love God and seek out a relationship and everything else flows out from that. i haven't been trusting him and i haven't been putting my relationship with God first. i've let service and other unnecessary busyness get in the way. love without expecting to be loved back. wow. if i did that i wouldn't be fretting about les brown.
GOD I LOVE YOU SO MUCH. I'M SORRY I HAVEN'T BEEN TAKING THE TIME THAT I SHOULD BE TO PURSUE A RELATIONSHIP WITH YOU. I'M SORRY FOR NOT TRUSTING. I' M SORRY FOR PUTTING MY WORKS AHEAD OF MY RELATIONSHIP WITH YOU. THANK YOU FOR HAVING MERCY ON ME AND FOR WALKING WITH ME EVERYDAY. THANK YOU FOR SENDING YOU SON TO DIE ON THE CORSS FOR ME SO THAT I COULD HAVE A PERSONAL RELATIONSHIP WITH YOU. YOU ARE MIGHTY AND AMAZING AND I DON'T DESERVE WHAT YOU DO FOR ME BUT I THANK YOU FOR IT. BETTER IS ONE DAY IN YOUR COURTS. THANK YOU FOR ALWAYS REMINDING ME OF THAT AND FOR DRAWING ME BACK WHEN I GET WRAPPED UP IN DISTRACTIONS. AMEN

J.J. THE COFFEE GUY

oh i forgot to mention I finally got to mention Gateway to J.J. my coffee guy this morning. It was awesome! Maybe in a couple more weeks I'll invite him. Still trying to build the relationship enough so I have the right to ask him to go to church with me. He seems like he could really use a good dose of God.

GOD'S POINT OF VIEW

I have a ring on my ring finger that is a band with a cross on it to remind me that God is the lover of my heart and my soul. It's supposed to remind me that I am loved and that God created me perfect in His sight. I don't know if it has been working. It's been kinda cool because it's been giving me an opportunity to witness. I'm sure it sounds a little crazy to non-believers when I say I'm dating God or that I'm married to Him. I still feel like I'm not doing enough and that I need to do more. I know that I can't buy my salvation and that's not what I'm trying to do but I guess I'm still trying to save the world which is not my job. I love my job working with the kids at CrossRoads. I guess I just wished I had more time to spend getting that program up and running. I'm amazed by what God is doing in those kids lives yet sometimes it's hard. I've been asked some tough questions and I know some of these kids are going through a whole lot. That's why I want to be there but sometimes I'm scared I'm going to do or say the wrong thing. I just need to trust that God is going to work through me. It's all Him and not me anyway.
I took Les to meet my family on Saturday. Everything went awesome. My family behaved and Les for some crazy reason liked them. I'm freaked out about my mom though. We had a phenomenal talk on Wednesday. It was like the old days before everything got so crazy. The thing is I know that things aren't right and she likes to pretend that everything is perfect. She wont take responsibility for her role in what happened to me. I don't exactly know if it's even right for me to need her to say yes I played a part in this. I think it's necessary because she has tried to pass the blame on me. I still don't understand why she is still with him. I"m scared because I want so badly for her to be my mom. I want a parent I can talk to. I know I'll be able to have some sort of relationship but I'm scared of allowing her to pass boundaries that wont be healthy for me. I don't even know where I should set those boundaries.
Okay I'm finally willing to admit it but I'm in love with Les Brown. If we break up I will be hurt. It's still a huge struggle for me. I still want to be able to say that I could walk away from this without it affecting me and without ever looking back. I can pretend but in reality I'd be hurt. We are still not as emotionally intimate as I'd like to be. That's a struggle to. I want him to know what's going on in this wacky head of mine but I'm scared that he wont like who I really am. I know that's ridiculous but I can't get over it yet I so desperately long for that connection. I had horrible dreams SAturday night. I dreamed that I was having a tell all moment with Adam and he totally stomped on everything that I told him. Well, it was pretty much like that. I told Brett everything. Now I'm terrified. I know Les is nothing like Adam but I can't get passed that fear. Plus God created me this way for a reason and if Les doesn't like who I am then that's okay because there is someone out there who will still think I'm awesome. God thinks I'm pretty awesome and I should rest confident in that and that should comfort me if it doesn't work with Les. Things just don't work out sometimes and that has nothing to do with the kind of person that I am. When will my heart believe this? I'm totally don't want to tell Les that I love him until he tells me. What if he doesn't say it back? I think I should just because I need to start taking those kinds of risks. REJECTION!! I guess the only way to get over it is to put myself out there. Maybe tonight. I soo want to. It sucks because I have these conversations in my head about the things I want to tell him but I'm just to chicken to tell him in reality. I'm so gonna need God on this one. I really feel that God's hand is completely invovled in Les and I even getting together. It's crazy because I feel like we are meant to be together yet this relationship has been such a struggle for me. In fact it's the hardest one I've ever been in as far as freakin out. I think it's becasue I'm trying really hard to make this relationship healthy. Once I can tear down that stupid wall I know things are going to be soo rockin. He's absolutely amazing!! I admire him and I still can't beilieve that HE wants to be with me. GOD PLEASE GIVE ME THE COURAGE TO BE BOLD AND BRAVE AND TAKE THAT FIRST STEP.
Tonight, hopefully tonight.