Thursday, September 25, 2003

CONTENT

God is so GOOD! God has totally been working on me and helping me with my patience situation. I am finally calm and still and I'm ready to wait patiently until I hear Him tell me what I'm supposed to do next. It's not for me to know right now and I need to have faith and trust that God is going to provide me with everything that I need and is gonna let me know when it's time to take action.
I think what has really helped me is finally being able to see how God works in every single situation and every single moment of our lives. He's in complete and total control even when we feel we are grasping to keep hold. Everything happens for a reason. It is absolutely mind blowing. Finally getting that has helped me to realize that I'm still where I'm at for a reason. Last night's sermon helped to confirm that for me. I may be in limbo rihg tnow but God is still working on me and refining me while I'm in this period of waiting. Living life for Christ is exciting! I have no idea where He is going to lead me next but it's awesome to know that I am ready to follow Him wherever He may lead. Send me God I'll GO!

Tuesday, September 23, 2003

la la la ....LOVE

last night was the night. les brown told me that he loved me. LES BRWON TOLD ME HE LOVES ME!!! i told him thank you and then went home. HA! i almost started bawling and managed to spit out an i love you too.
i guess i have to start off by mentioning the sermon on sunday. ted did a great job and the sermon as a whole was fabulous and was a continuation of the purpose driven life. ted did do into something that i wasn't expecting. he mentioned how he knew that his purpose was to be with stephanie. they both knew that they were supposed to be with each other but they almost married other people anyway. i totally feel that way about les. i know i'm supposed to be with him. it's bigger than me than him or even us being together. i have no idea what God has in store for us but i know as a team we are going to be able to do it better. it's awesome to know that i'm going to be apart of what God does through les. he is so absolutley incredible!!

Wednesday, September 17, 2003

HYPERVIGILANT

i went to counseling on saturday. it was a two and a half hour session of pure pleasure. BAH!! we talked about everything. from les, to brett, to norman bates to everything else that's messed up with me. i felt drained afterwards on saturday but going wake boarding as soon as i got back in town was a great way for me to shove everything we went over in the far back of my mind. it had been a great week. i feel super connected to God and i really feel He's revealed things to me that are going to help me to grow. refined in the fire i guess. yesterday i was actually thinking how God has healed me in a rather painless way. well He has done a lot to help me receive healing but i still have a lot of yucky stuff i'm gonna have to work through. i was hoping God would make it painless for me. oh well.
i was talking about the episode les and i had saturday at the leadership retreat. we went into how did you know he was upset blah blah blah. he then asked if i knew when adam and brett were upset. i said of course i knew when adam was upset because when he was upset he would totally lash out. i thought i knew when brett was upset most of the time. he brought to my attention that i always knew when he was upset and when other people are upset. i'm hypervigilant. i remember him saying something like that before.
last night les kept asking me if i was okay. i thought i was okay. when i was in my car and had a chnace to think about it i realized that i'm really not AOK. i'm suffering from the residual affects of counseling. my stupid wheels are turning and they wont stop. i takes me so long to get in touch with how i'm feeling. i guess my point in all this horse hockey is that i think les must be hypervigilant too. i didn't even realize that i was upset but les was able to tell the change in my behavior. is that hypervigilant or is that intuition? what's the stinkin difference? why does all this matter? it really doesn't matter at all i'm just rambling.

Tuesday, September 16, 2003

ah to have faith like this

"If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to save us
from it...But even if He does not, we will not serve your gods or
worship the image of gold you have set up" (Daniel 3:17-18).


what amazing faith!! Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego had the faith that God would save them but were fine if He didn't. all they were concerned about was honoring God and being faithful to Him. i know God is growing me towards that but i can't wait till i am there. i want to have that amount of faith. i want everything that i do to honor God and to please Him. it's amazing when i think back to a year ago and the place that i was. God has done amazing things to change me. i'm a completely different person. there are no words to describe how amazing God is. i can only see a small piece of the puzzle but i am completely awed at how He uses everything to His glory and how His timing is so important. it is so awesome to be so in love with God.

Monday, September 15, 2003

GET OUTTA MY HEAD

i really don't have much to say other than God is so incredibly amazing. i finally feel connected again. i think my period of disconnect was a combination of putting service first and i think some of it was a test. if anything this just proves to me that i am going to follow God and seek Him with all my heart whether or not i feel like He's right beside me. I know He's always with me no matter how i feel.
i had a fabulous night with the girls. heather is going to try a new experiment and i'm very curious to see how it turns out. i wish i could get into it but it's late and my head isn't working properly. had a great night with les last night. too bad it's 11pm now and i haven't talked to him all day. i really hate that. we make incredible strides and then it's like we take three steps backwards. i don't quite get it. still no sight of the "L" word. he said he has issues with that word. i'm totally willing to be patient. i'm totally feeling it but i was advised not to say it until he does for the simple reason that he does have an issue with it. i think itf it goes past month number six and there is still no sign of it then it's gonna be my issue. until then all i can concern myself with as far as our relationship is why i haven't heard from him all day. i'm not really mad or sad either. i feel totally secure in our relationship right now and i know both of us are really independent. honestly i've never been this independent in a relationship before. i think it's great in almost every way but in some ways i wonder if we are just being scared. who knows? all i know is that i'm supposed to be with him and we are definately going to have some yucky stuff to work through together but God is going to do great things with the both of us. It's pretty exciting to know that. Now all I have to do is be patient. It's scary how much alike we are. I'll be thinking something and he'll be saying it. sometimes it's almost like he's walking around in my head. this is definately the most different relationship i have ever been in. i love it though!!!

Thursday, September 11, 2003

CONGLOMERATION

"I DON'T WANT YOUR SACRIFICES - I WANT YOUR LOVE; I DON'T WANT YOU OFFERINGS - I WANT YOU TO KNOW ME."
HOSEA 6:6

PUT PEOPLE BEFORE TASKS
i have been so task oriented lately that i have been putting tasks that i want to get done before my relationships with people. i've deeply regretted feeling so disconnected yet i've failed to do anything about it. people should always come before tasks, especailly with youth. they are not going to remmeber the cool events or programs that they went to, they are going to remember the people who took the time to care about them, love them and build into them.

MY OWN BROKENNESS DRIVES MY BUSYNESS
God loves me and is pleased with me because i am His child. i don't have to try to save the world in order to receive His love and acceptance. i am enough for God

I'VE ALLOWED FEAR TO CONTROL ME IN THESE AREAS
- my relationship w/ God: fear that i'm not good enough for Him, that i'm not doing a good enough job, fear that i'm letting Him down, fear that i'm not being faithful
-my hesistation to apply for gateway's youth position: the fear that i'll fail and let everyone down, fear that the job is too big for me to handle, fear that i'll be snatched away, fear that my passion is only fleeting
- my relationship w/ les: fear of rejection, fear to need someone, fear that i will be disappointed, fear to rely on someone, fear of loosing myself, fear of being known


how long will i be broken and why can't i ever go to sleep?

still tired

i'm trying to figure out what i need to cut out in my life. i keep hoping God is going to tell me to quite my job. i'm a little scared that He's going to tell me to quite crossroads but i need to be faithful in whatever i hear from Him. i am so disatisfied with my job right now. i wish i could use that time to be serving. i've realized this week that i'm broken but it's good and i thank God for it. i need to stop this feeling that i'm not doing enough. God loves me no matter what and loves me if i serve or not. i just have a very strong desire to serve. i know that one day when the time is right i will be blessed with a job in ministry. it's just trying to figure out what to do till then and if i'm really preparing myself. i know God is working hard at changing me into the person that He created me for.

i love this verse!

Daily Manna from the 'Net for Thursday, September 11

But whatever was to my profit I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ--the righteousness that comes from God and is by faith. I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death. (Philippians 3:7-10 NIV)

Tuesday, September 09, 2003

I'M STINKIN TIRED

I don't really have any new insights and my brain is not really functioning on a high enough level right now to get much more than mush out but i feel like i must attempt at something anyway. i'll start off with how things are going with les i guess. he's awesome as usual. we have reached a new level of intimacy which is absolutely amazing. communication is so important. without it you don't even have a relationship. on the ride home from the leadership retreat we shared our childhood experiences and the reasons why we are both scared of intimacy. we didn't have the same experiences but they are similiar enough to have caused us to react to things very similarly. at least we have both made a commitment to try to do something that is uncomfortable to both of us. i knew once that wall was removed things would be spectacular. i actually went to les for help with a problem for the first time on monday. well, it wasn't a huge problem but i was feeling incredibly overwhelmed and stressed and i turned to him for help. i actually got to talk things through with him. normally i totally bipass him and talk to either my two home girls or my two home boys. i love my small group. it was so nice letting him in on what i was struggling with. it's so nice letting him into my life. i told him i know that he's "the one." i do know it and it's crazy. i can't even explain it but i just know. it is pretty scary too and i still want to bolt. in fact on monday i was starting to get that distant feeling and wanted to totally turn and run. it's just the same ole tough girl routine. i don't need anybody and i'm not going to let anybody in. well, i don't need les and i don't need him to help me. but i want to need him and i want him to help me. there's a difference and it's been hard for me to try to figure out the difference.

Thursday, September 04, 2003

SPEECHLESS

God is so good that there isn't even words to describe it. I went through a pretty rough patch there for awhile and I really felt like my heart had shrunken at least three sizes. I'm not sure if that was satan totally messin with me or if it was a test to see if I would be faithful. Even in those times of feeling like I had nothing to offer or to give I would still have moments where I felt God's love so strongly. I guess the last month has been pretty intense. I almost daily become overwhelmed at God's majesty, love, and grace. I just want to stay on my knees and lie on face in total reverance to the Lord. The amaing thing is that I can only get a small taste of how majestic God is. I can only imagine what it's going to be like. They have been playing that song on the radio a lot lately (94.7). The first time I heard it played on secular radio I was overcome by how amazing God is. Austin is the largest unchurched city in America yet a song like I can Only Imagine is in the top ten. People are seeking and crying out for something more. God is moving and shaking in this city and I feel that times are fixin to change. It's no accident that I'm living in Austin right now. I've never felt this peace about living here before but I am convinced that this is where God wants me right now. Austin is a battle ground and God soldiers are suiting up. I am humbled that God wants me to be apart of His team.

CROSSROADS
I don't even know where to begin with this one other than I have no idea what to think. This guy Eric Mason came and did the whole interview and teach routine this past week. He was awesome! His vision is the same as mine and I got so stinkin fired up talking to him. He did a great job giving the lesson on SAunday and I was convinced that he had nailed it. I had some good time with God Sundqay morning and I realized that I had not been faithful to God because I never turned in my resume and vision statement. So many people had encouraged me to do it and I had so much support but I never did it. Listening to Eric talk about his vision I realized that I could do what he was applying for. I have the exact same passion as he does and the same vision. I appologized to God for not trusting Him and being faithful but I was excited about getting the chance to work with someone like Eric and to finally have a mentor. I was positive that they were going to hire him. Well, they didn't. They liked his energy and his vision but the rest of his personality didn't jive well with the rest of the staff. I found this out on Tuesday before my small group with the youth. On Monday I really started to think of why I hadn't gone and turned in my stuff for the job. I thought at first that I didn;t because I was afraid of not getting it and being rejected. Well, honestly, I want those kids to have the best person for the job and if I don't get it then that's okay and it's just God telling me that I need to grow a little more. I realized that the reason I didn't turn it in is because I'm more terrified of actually getting the job. I alone can't do the job. However, if God gives me the job then He's gonna help me through it. Everything that has been going on in CrossRoads now is from God and definatley not from me. God knows if I'm ready and I need to have faith that the staff at Gateway will make the right decsion and if they do hire me then I need to have faith that this is where God want me to be. This is my dream job and I was thinking today that if I did get it I would feel like I have finally gotten my grown up job. All the jobs I've had feel like fake jobs to me. I don't want it for that reason but it just confirmed that this is where I feel I need to be. So now I have to wait and trust that whatever decisiion is made it is made for the best. I would flip if I actually got the job. Either way God is so good. It would be a lot less scarey if I didn't get it.
We must establish disciplines which enable us to hear God's message and
then help us keep His message at the forefront of our thoughts all
through the day. These disciplines will vary for different people.
Some may need to wake up earlier to have a time which is quiet; others
may need to change their work habits or the condition of their work
environment. But we all, regardless of our hectic pace, need to simply
talk with God more and worship more at His feet. This must become our
highest priority.

We cannot allow His gifts to be destroyed or forgotten. We should
never allow the frustrations of the past, the pulls of the present, or the
desires of the future to steal the gifts entrusted to us today.
Let's
make the necessary changes and boldly draw near without hesitation.
Let's praise Him for His gifts, and "with the help of the Holy Spirit
who lives in us" guard the good deposit.


I thought this was good to hear today. I so often let the past try to rob me of the joy that God has given me. I also tend to get so wrapped up in the busyness of life that my ability to just sit and be with God is destroyed. God should be my number one priority but I still struggle with allowing serving Him come before my relationship with Him. He is so good and I'm absolutely crazy to let anything get in my way of just hanging out with God and taking in all His glory. I also tend to focus too much on the future instead of taking care of what I have been given in the here and now. Am I being faithful to what God has given to me right now? Do I take every opportunity that He gives me to serve Him? Unfortunately I don't sometimes because I'm too focused on what will be instead of the right here and now.