Monday, November 10, 2003

and the fast continues.....

okay this is day number six. this is going to take longer than i thought. still no word from God to let go. He's been speaking to me and showing me flaws in my character. i've been fighting this gross feeling of anxiety. i thought it was stress from crossroads stuff. some of it is i think. i discovered today that the reason why i get so worked up is that when i feel like the roads isn't going well which is a lot of the time i feel like i'm failing the kids and i feel like i'm failing. i don't like to fail. in fact failure is one of my biggest fears. if i fail then that means i'm not good enough at least that's part of the lie that i believe. if i fail then that means i'm a failure and i'm no good. I AM GOING TO FAIL AND IT'S OKAY. SOME OF OUR BIGGEST TIMES OF GROWTH ARE WHEN WE FAIL!! now all i need to do is get my heart to get caught up with my head. i think it's closer than it's ever been to being caught up.
i'm going through that book shelter from the storm again. i remembered tonight that one of the things that comes up while going through all that junk is anxiety. YEA!! it makes sense. i've held onto trying to protect myself for so long and now i;m trying to totally remove those protective barriers so i can grieve and be done with it. it's crazy how wrapped up my sense of self value and worth or in what happened to me. i still am having a hard time with giving myself the permission to grieve. it's like it didn't happen to me or that it really wasn't a big deal.
i can count on one hand the times that my stepfather was nice to me without trying to use or abuse me. the time he talked to me when sam ran away, the time he played checkers with me and the time he helped me with my halloween costum. all the other times the interaction between us he was either puttingme down, didn;t give me the time of day, or he was trying to abuse me. i'm scared that i have a bunch of stuff repressed. i'm slowly starting to remember stuff and it's a struggle. did this really happen or am i making stuff up? it's still pretty sketchy. i just felt like writing "i feel like vomiting" but i haven't felt that urge like i used to. i'm slowly starting to let go of some of that shame and guilt i've felt. i really think that's going to be the key for me. once i can finally place theblame where it truly belongs then i'll finally be able to stop protecting myself and grieve.
i struggle with not wanting to feel sorry for myself and then now sometimes i'm surpirsed that God protected me as much as He did and it's amazing that i turned out as good as i did. it's amazing that i turned out as well as i did. wow i've never thought that way before. i've always thought i turned out horrible. not the person that i am now but the person that i was. i thought i was horrible.
i felt funky in church. i guess i was getting that buzzy sensation that les keeps talking about getting when you fast. i was hoping that it was all my gross stuff leaving me. i've heard that has happened to some people. maybe they are just in denial but i don't know. anyway i'm still looking for the easy way out. how can i be so willing to face this and yet so determined not to? GOD PLEASE HELP ME TO TRUST YOU AND TO LET GO. I'M READY TO FREE FALL GOD AND I WANT TO BE ABLE TO TRUST YOU THAT YOU WILL CATCH ME WHEN I FALL. HELP ME PLEASE. YOU KEEP SPEAKING TO ME SO CLEARLY LORD. HELP REVEAL TO ME WHAT I AM HIDING AND HELP GIVE ME THE COURAGE TO CHANGE THOSE THINGS. PLEASE HELP ME TO HONOR YOU WITH THIS FAST AND HELP ME TO GET THROUGH IT. OH AND I F YOU COULD HELP ME OUT NEXT SUNDAY EVENING THAT WOULD BE AWESOME! PLEASE OPEN THE DOORS THAT YOU WANT TO OPEN FOR ME AND HELP SHUT DOORS THAT NEED TO BE SHUT. HELP ME TO BE A LIGHT THAT SHINES FOR YOU AND PLEASE GIVE ME WISDOM AND PATIENCE ON WHAT TO DO WITH THOSE KIDDOS FROM CHILI'S. HELP ME TO BALANCE EVERYTHING THAT YOU GIVE ME ON MY PLATE AND HELP GIVE ME DISCERNEMENT ON HOW TO CUT AWAY THE THINGS THAT YOU HAVEN'T PUT THERE. I LOVE YOU FATHER, AMEN.

God is so loving on me right now. I don't know how to receive His love fully yet. I still feel like i have to do something to deserve it. How could He possibly love me with all my flaws? Thank you for loving me and giving me this peace Lord!

catch up

WEDNESDAY 11/05 1:39 AM
THE FAST, ADAM, AND MY SWEET SWEET BOY!

i don't think the fast is going to be that long. i'm already pretty emotional. right now i've been displacing my grief onto others. i'm already a pretty empathetic person but lately i've wanted to start bawling when ihear other people's problems. hmm... i might be on to something. I met with Helen today and she's a lot lik eI am. In fact she's a lot like I used to be. I used to get so worked up about the conditions of other people's lives and how sad the world was and it used to tear me up and i would cry about it. i think i was really hurting so much inside that the only way i could get rid of any of the pain was by feeling and grieving everybody elses pain. very interesting.
(i try to fix other people's problems too much now when i counsel others. i need to remember that most of the time people just want to be heard.)

my stomach is brewing up something evil.

no really new insights about my grieving process today. i love staying at the forans and it really makes me sad to think about leaving. they do not want me to leave and neither do i. gotta pray about it.

adam got enaged last week. i am seriously in shock. he totally reamed me b/c he thought i was crazy for rushing into things. what a total bonehead! honestly, i hope he is happy and this is what he really wants. if not i feel so sorry for the poor girl. i wonder if he gave her the same ring?

THURSDAY 11/06 11:32 PM

what did i learn today? i feel so overwhelmed right now. not necessarily a bad overwhelmed but it's almost like so much is going on that i'm barely grasping on and catching all that i need to learn. i'm picking up a few more fun words at chili's and to be perfectly honest my attitude has sucked. i learned today that everyday before i go into work i need to pray that God guards me while i'm in the "pit" and His light shines brightly while i'm there. I CAN'T DO IT BUT GOD CAN!
hmm.. another great reminder. I CAN'T DO IT BUT GOD CAN!

last sunday i totally didn't think i could take anymore and that i had nothing left to give anybody. i've had to give more and be readily available to people more this week than i've had to in a longtime. it was all God working through me. i've dropped everything else this week. other than the "minor emergencies" that have sprung up. i haven't contacted anyone, i've dropped the bomb and totally flaked on three meetings w/ people, i've totally double and over booked myself, things have slipped my mind and i'm so stinkin far behind but i feel no anxiety about it for once { i do now }

what i've learned:
- i can't do it but God can!!
- ask God everyday to help me
- my inability to say "NO" came from my abuse. it was one of the things that was taken from me.

where am i getting my sense of value and self worth?
serving?, my job?, my friends?

12:13 AM

i thought he was a nice guy b/c he brought me gatorade and lunch the morning after. WHAT THE HECK WAS I THINKING? thank you God for bringing me to the point where i know i was in a sad state.

GOD THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR BRINGING A MAN LIKE LES INTO MY LIFE. I NVERE THOUGHT I DESERVED A GUY LIKE LES. I STILL DON;T THINK I DO. GOD PLEASE HELP ME TO RELEASE THIS PAIN AND HURT SO ICAN BE FREED UP TO SERVE YOU MORE EFFECTIVELY.


SATURDAY 10/08 1:32 AM

i am feeling stressed again. hmm... i'm gonna try and give this to God.

Monday, November 03, 2003

lettting go....

i've once again come to the point where my own sickness of busyness is bringing me to my knees. i am tired physically, emotionally and spiritually. i was at the point tonight where i once again felt i had no more to give anyone. in reality that was very true. there are so many things to do and get done but God has it all covered and eventhough my heart is in the right place, my go, go, go hasn't been healthy. i've got to let go and give it to God. it's not about me and not all the problems are for me to decided or resolve God's got it covered and i don't have to save the world. i like to try to save the world though. if i'm saving the world then i'm way too busy too deal with the issues i need to face. i've been coming to the point where i'm so close to breaking through and finally being able to feel what i need to feel in order to grieve and be whole again. i always stop and blank out right before i get there though. i thought that had everything to do with my defense mechansims and in part some of it does have to do with that. i thought they were so good that i didn't even have control over them. well, i realized tonight that i do have control but i haven't been willing to let go. i haven't been able to breakdown and let go the way i need to because i haven't been trusting God. i haven't been trusting Him that if i finally let go and breakdown that i will be alright and that He will take care of me. i haven't been trusting that the family that He has given me will be there for me. my mom wasn't there for me and neither was my dad so why should i expect my friends and les to be there for me. i know they will but it's scary. i rememebr dawn telling our small group about her therapist asking "who takes care of dawn?" us three girls all have that problem. letting people take care of us. i have been to a certain extend but i'm much more ready to take on other people's problems then to allow people to help me with my own. i need to let people take care of me. i need to loose control and know that it's okay. there's still that voice in the back of my head that says "why would anyone want to take care of you?" rationally i know that is dumb but it's still the game of my heart catching up to my mind. God's timing is perfect. it's time for me to let go. i know iwill have to deal with my scars for probably the rest of my life but a big bulk of the yuckiness is so ready to come out and needs to. i want it out before i marry les. i don't want to drag this grossness into our marraige. especially the whole sex issue. i can't let go without God's help. so i'm going in for another fast. les is going to do it with me. he mentioned to me that he was ready to fast. it's funny how God uses people to speak to us. well, i'm gonna need someone to go in on this one with me so this is perfect. i haven't told him my whole deal on fasting yet and he's not exactly sure what he is fasting about. well, he's fixin to find out. i am so blessed to have him in my life. i'm not coming out of this fast till i am naked, broken and all is stripped away. i'm ready for my brokeness to be exposed. it almost happened on my last fast but this time i know it will. GOD PLEASE HELP ME TO LET GO AND GIVE IT ALL TO YOU. I DON'T WANT TO BE DRIVEN BY MY BROKENESS. I WANT TO BE DRIVEN BY YOUR WILL FOR ME AND MY LIFE. PLEASE HELP THIS FAST HONOR YOU AND HELP EXPOSE ME. HELP ME TO BE WHOLE SO I CAN SERVE YOU EVEN MORE EFFECTIVELY LORD. I DON'T EANT MY PAST TO HAVE POWER OVER ME ANYMORE SO PLEASE HELP ME LORD. HELP ME TO REALLY UNDERSTAND HOW MUCH YOU LOVE ME AND HOW MUCH I'M WORTH. I LOVE YOU GOD! AMEN

Sunday, November 02, 2003

APRIL 24, 2004

well, we set the date. if everything goes as planned i will be mrs. les brown on april 24th. i can't stinkin wait!

Saturday, November 01, 2003

so happy in love

i love les more and more each day. i don't even have words to describe how incredibly blessed i am. i get to marry les brown. he is so talented and amazing not to mention the cutest guy ever. he is absolutely adorable. i guess it's hard to believe that God thinks of me that much to be with a guy like les. i know one of MY purposes in life is to marry les. God wants ME to be with an amazing guy like les. i should definately feel blessed and i'm sure undeserving to a certain degree but i feel really undeserving. i keep waiting for the ball to drop or something to happen to make things come crashing down. i keep wanting God to make something happen so He will refine me. what it boils down too is that i don't think i deserve to be happy. it sounds horrible when i hear it. i know it's irrational but that's how i feel. i need to get my source of value and self worth from God but i'll never be able to do that until i am finally healed from my past. i was verbally and physically abused for 14 years. i always rationalized that so many people had it much worse than i did, but i didn't have it as good as i have tried to make myself believe either. i'm getting closer, i'm just so ready to be healed.

10/30/03 4:15PM

Time change. You just gotta love it... I was sitting outside spending some time with my main squeeze and I started feeling yucky. This time of day, right before dusk has always made me feel gross. It finally dawned on me that this is the time of day when I would have to leave the playground to come home or when I got older the time of day my stepfather would come home. Looking back, I really hated being at home. there was no love at my house. I always felt like I was an intruder. I've never really felt at home anywhere. It's funny. Now that I'm homeless I'm finally starting to feel at home for the first time.
Thinking back, the only time times my stepfather was nice to me or wanted to be with me was when he was trying to abuse me. I feel less guilt and shame about my abuse today. Oh therre is still some definately there but I really feel like I'm a couple steps closer to grieving about it now. It makes sense too. How can I grieve about an incident that I blame myself for?
I DON'T KNOW HOW I GOT HERE TODAY BUT I THANK YOU FOR IT LORD!