Sunday, December 28, 2003

i freakin stink!

worked a dirty double today at ole lakeline. i snuck a peak at the next schedule and it looks like lots of yucky doubles. blah. that place is so stinking trying. people cuss like a sailor there and unfortunately i've been picking up some of that colorful language. it slips out and then i appologize. i'm trying but it's hard. it's hard not to jump on the gossip band wagon too. there's a certain manager at lakeline who i want to pick up and throw sometimes and she makes everyone so mad. i used to join in the reindeer games and put my two cents in but it's been brought to my attention by the Big G that that is not not right and it's not my place. so now when people come up to me and want to talk trash i really have to make sure what comes out of my mouth is not trash talk. i want everything that comes out of my big yapper to be uplifting. i sure am a lot more quite there then i used to be.

les moved my fishes for me today. oh i guess i never wrote about what we got each other for christmas. well, the original plan was to get him an x-box. then i started thinking about it and i decided that i didn't just want to go out and buy him a gift. i always did that with dumb adam. i never put much thought or effort into it. i would just buy a big ticket item so i wouldn't have to fuss with it. well, i want to leave all unhealthy patters behind. i love les brown and i really wanted to pour my hearet into his gift. so icame up with a rule. we both could only spend twenty bucks on a gift. this was to force us to get creative. well, les cheated big time. i was a little upset that he cheated until i saw the gift and all that he went through. les brown got me 20 gallon aquarium and bought me some coi fish. the tank cost three bucks which he had to clean out and then after the filter and the new top and everything else it ended up costing a whole lot more. he put a whole bunch of stinkin effort into it. he's such a sweet boy. i kinda cheated. i got him a picture frame that had four different frames on it and put some of our pictures on it and a verse from ecclesiates and i wrote him what i meant when i told him i love him. it took me three trips to the store just to get the stinkin frame. i'm not very creative so this definately stretched me. i also got him a shirt and a stocking full of fun stuff. well, santa brought the stocking i guess so it wasn't cheating. okay the point in that story is that while i was at work he brought over the fish tank. i had moved my room around and i had just washed my sheets but didn't have the time to make my bed this morning. well when i got home my sweet les brown had put my room back together and made my bed. it is small things like that, that are so sweet. jerkface never would have done that for me. i can't get over how wonderful les really is. it just keeps getting better. i think i'm finally getting sleepy.

Saturday, December 27, 2003

IT'S BEEN AWHILE

it is so awesome to have internet access again. i haven't been able to blog, email. pay bills or lots of other stuff that has become handy via the net. it's a shame i haven't been able to blog all the crazy stuff that has been going on lately. it has been a challege. that is for sure. God has taken me places i never thought i would go. this whole chili's thing has been so tough. i've been struggling financially, with trying to be a good example, trying to keep my patiece, trying to be obedient. smetimes i really think i'm failing. at least i really thought i was. who would have thought chili's would be my wilderness. as if being frustrated with my own behavior hasn't been bad enough. the finacial thing has been a killer and it definately didn't do anything for my tude. on top of all that i've been sick for about a good month to two months now. i can't remember the last time i've felt well for a whole week straight. it's totally been wearing on me. to top it all off God seemed to be as far away as the sun. i'd pray, read the bible, listen to worship music and nothing. no peace or joy anywhere to be found. ( oh by the way if my typing is especially bad it's because the keyboard i'm using has a bunch of stuck keys )

i'm coming out of the wilderness. well, sorta. as far as the finaces are concerned i think i've finally let that go. God is gonna take care of me. there have been times when i thought about not following through with my one life commitment but i've done it and God has been faithful to me and i'm not starving. it's been really tight but it's teaching me how to be really tight. i need to learn how to budget. last saturday God reappeared and He's been here ever sense. He never went away He just needed to take the training wheels off and let me go on my own. growing is not easy. somedays i'm better at it than others. i've definately learned that doing what God wants is not always easy. i had this notion that if you obey God and take the narrow road then at least when you get there it will be easy. not the case. chili's has not been easy breezy. i have an opportunity to go bac behind the bar again. i'm working a couple shifts to help them out because of a situation with katie. i couldn't understand why God was allowing this opportunity to open up. bar people are much nicer, the tip better, and i'd be making a lot more money and could work a lot less shifts. i worked wednesday day bar and i have to admit, it's fun flinging drinks. i miss the fast pace of it. it's not where i belong though. that's so clear to me today and it's awesome. i don't have to be worried about being tempted to take the bartending slot. i don't want it. i'll help out if they are in a bind because that's why i'm there to help but it will definately not be a weekly occurance at all. i can't build relationships with other staff mebers behind the bar. that's why i'm there. God is so good to me.

enough about dumb brinker international. les brown and i are doing awesome. our first christmas together was great. he is the most amazing man ever! i am just so blown away by him. we are getting closer everyday. it gets harder and harder to say goodbye. my heart aches everytime he walks out my door. it's getting closer. four more months. i need to get on the ball planning. i just want to marry him. i wish it was tommorrow. God's still has some places He needs to take to before we get married. i'm getting there. i still had no idea it could be this good. it's not perfect by any means but we are quite the team. GOd is going to do amazing things with us, together. hmm... maybe i've lost sight of that a little. He wants to do amazing things through us right now! we need to get on it. God is definately the center of both of our lives but He's not the cetner of our relationship yet. i wonder why that is. i guess because there's no bs between me and God and i know it's the same way for les and God. you can't hide anything from God to begin with but you can try to hide things. i try to be completely honest with God. i'm weak and i so need His help. before i wouldn't tell Him what i was struggling with, all the things i've done. He already knows it all anyway but there's nothig like completely humblig yourself before God. HE created us to need Him anyway so it's awesome to talk to HIm and ask for help. in our weakness He is strong. how awesome is that? He always provides a way out. all we have to do is ask.
i got off subject, well kinda. i think the reason why we haven't completely grounded our relationship completely and totally in God is because of how absolutely vulnerable it will make us. GOd has gotten us here now it's time to step forward.