Thursday, January 29, 2004

houston

no new news on the houston front. tonight at the gathering one of my students looked at me and said i don't want you to go and then held onto my arm. i choked back some tears. i love those kids and when the time comes to go it's going to be so stinkin hard. someone mentioned to me today that when my kiddos are all grown up some of them are going to think back on how i spent time pouring into them and believing in them, encouraging them and pushing them to grow closer towards God. i never thought of it that way. i think of how much one of my student has come in a year. she's passionate and even though she still has her struggles shes getting better. it's awesome that iahve been able to be such a big part of her life. i know i've helped her ways that i will never completely understand but she's been such a blessing in my life that i know she'll never know how much she has impacted my life. God is awesome how He works that way. my passion for jr hgih students is definately growing. relationally i have to admit that my sr high students take the cake. it's really cool to be able to mentor them and really pour into them. they are so stinkin amazing! as far as fun level goes my jr high kids win. they are so nuts and are so much fun. it's they aren't too cool for school just yet. i love teaching jr. high kiddos and programming a service for them is so much easier. plus the games i get to play with them are so entertaining. I LOVE THOSE KIDS!

Wednesday, January 28, 2004

wow!

today i could not remember at all what i wrote last night. all i know is that i wrote something. hmm.. i was quite the unplugged honest one last night. i've been having trouble going to sleep at night. it has really bothered me that i have been able to completely crash when les is here but as soon as he leaves i'm wide awake. it's been driving me crazy because it makes me think i get my security from him. maybe it's some of that. i do feel really secure with him. the reason why i can't sleep or maybe it's more the reason why i have been fighting sleep is that my dreams are so disturbing. i can't remember most of them but i know that they torture me. torture is a strong word but i toss and turn like a crazy lady. i know i;ve said before that i haven't been sleeping well because God keeps talking to me at night. i don't know. all i know is that while i'm sleeping all the gross yuck crap that is deeply embedded in my existence comes out. for instance i dreamed all last night about how much i suck and how much i long for other peoples approval for my self worth. this is not cool at all. i know i sturggle with this but this dream has made it even more apparent how out of control i am with this and how much it hinders my life. i can't serve God and follow His will with my whole heart if i'm too busy trying to gain my self worth from sources other than Him. i pray that God would show me the areas of my life than i need to grow and work on. He sure does. it's not like He is mean i just hate that i'm weak and out of control. it's a horrible cycle that i seem to be stuck in. thank goodness God is so awesome and loves the broken and sinful me. GOD I AM SO COMPLETELY LOST WITHOUT YOU! LEFT ALONE I DO NOTHING BUT STRUGGLE AND AM IN CONSTANT AGONY AND TURMOIL. PLEASE HELP ME TO CONTINUE TO HEAL AND PLEASE GIVE ME PATIENCE AND MAKE THIS HEALING BE DONE ON YOUR TIME TABLE AND NOT MY OWN. PLEASE HELP ME WITH THE SPIRITUAL BATTLE I AM GOING THROUGH RIGHT NOW. I KNOW THAT AS YOU WALK WITH YOU YOU WILL HELP ME TO BE VICTORIOUS. THANK YOU FOR ALWAYS PICKING ME UP WHEN I FALL! I LOVE YOU GOD!

Tuesday, January 27, 2004

it's not a lie

i didn't quite get the "we don't want to place you under spiritual attack if you aren't ready for it yet" when i was interviewing with john and charles i didn't quite understand that but i do now. it's attack that makes you doubt your total existance. everything that you know to be true is stripped away and left for you to guess. it's crazy. it's nice knowing what's going on though. although my walk with God has been thrown off course this week and although there has already been lots of days when i have doubted my ability to do this i know He will make me strong. although i have spent less time with Him in the word and in intense prayer and just in solitude time in general i know it's okay. i definately don't want to continue this way but He is still with me even though my heart feels hardened today. eventhough on sunday the thought of leading my leaders disgusted me. He is going to work through me. even though tonight i suck and gave in and drank more than i should have, not to mention by myself. yet oddly i feel closer to God now then i have felt the last couple of days. i think the difference is honesty. i'm stinkin weak and i'm tired of hurting and i want a reprieve. as bad as this escape is it's not the end of the world. don't get me wrong i'm tipsy but i'm not out of control drunk and i'm not in danger. i'm not running. well... i beg to differ with that. i'm not totally running or else i'd be drunk right now but i know it's not the best for me to be like this right now. i haven't been like this in awhile. the thought crossed my mind tonight, "am i going to be able to do this when i'm married to les." no, i'm not. not that he would judge or condemn but i don't want to. he pushes me more towards God then when I'm with myself. not always but together he does. he brings clarity to me even though i know he doesn't realize he does this.
i had another overwhelming staff meeting. so little of us yet so much to tackle. it occured to me that we can't do this. and that is what is so awesome about it. we can't ! it's way too much but God can. we can try our best but ultimately it's out of our hands. but really it's that way even when situations can be in our control. hopefully this will help me realize that I CAN'T DO MY JOB BY MYSELF, IT'S ALL ABOUT GOD! God rocks!

Monday, January 26, 2004

"F" ed Up Like a Football Bat

it's sucks to be the ragin cajun and not know what's up or down and what day is it again? today was a marathon sunday and it's only by the grace of God that i made it through. it's been another one of those days where i question is this really what i want to do and has God really equipped me to do this? speaking of God i haven't spent much time with Him this week. how stupid is that? my number one priority in life should be to be with him and i've totally blown him off. i can't do this without him so why have i left him out of this. big and dumb mistake! hopefully next week i'll do better. i miss him and i know he misses me.
still got a case of the funkies. this whole situation with my mom is driving me crazy. i hate it. i just want to go get eloped, the sooner the better. it seems like forever and i don't know if i can make it. i can't say that we have exactly been very "good" this week. my hormones are ragin and i want to throw him down and tear him up. it's pretty bad. i've never experienced anything like this before and to be honest i've never been this darn frustated before in my entire life. i'm not quite sure what is going on. i've always desired les but this is almost freakish. i don't know what's going on exactly. i think a good part of it has to do with us being so connected emotionally. mentally and commitment wise it's totally like we are already married. i guess i'm ready to be connected in all ways possible. the othewr thing that has crossed my mind is my fear of actually having sex when i'm married. will i feel guilty when i have no reason to feel guilt. i wondering if this is some sort of personal sabatoge. if i screw up and have sex now before we are married then i'll have a reason to feel guilty when we have sex when we are married. i 'll always wish that we had waited and i'll be able to project my guilt on that. or it could be that i'm actually allowing myself to enjoy messing around. with les it's like no other. with other guys it was more like going through the motions the majority of the time. i guess i just always assumed the role that i thought i was supposed to play. it's not that it was particularly enjoyable but i either enjoyed pleasing the other person or was just going through the motions. i know i've probably said to several people that not having sex is really hard. not really. well, actually right now i'm struggling but before now it's not really that big of a deal at all. this is the longest stretch i've gone since that first time back in 1996. it's actually been a huge relief not to feel obligated to have sex. i guess i've said it has been hard in the past because that's what i'd like to believe or that is what i think i'm supposed to say. i can probably count the number of times sex has actually been enjoyable on one hand. that's pretty suck. i don't want to just go through the motions with les. it's not supposed to be that way. i'm ready to not be damaged in this area anymore. i want it to be freakin phenomenal and i really think it could be. i hope so.

Friday, January 23, 2004

a slight break in the clouds?

it has been a rather interesting day. i came down with a small case of giddyness today. YEA!!!! it feels so good to have some of that back! i'm going to go through a book called search for significance and it goes over the stuff i've really been struggling with, self worth. by just looking at the table of contents i know it's going to suck something fierce. growing is painful.
i found out today that brett is getting married. i think the one thing that has been really constant in my life besides God has been brett. i love that kid to death. God has really used him to impact my life in so many ways. i really don't think i would be here if God hadn't placed him in my life. he was there when i was on the verge of crashing. i clung to him like a life raft. God can make even unhealthy relationships useful. besides the fact that his family took me in as their own for two years and that he kept me from drowning, he made me realize what a butthead adam was. even though i was with jerkface for so long i knew that it could be better. brett adored me and he treated me really good. if i had never experienced that before then i would probably be mrs. shingleton right now. that makes me want to vomit! i can't wait to meet kimberly. she's got to be one amazing girl. i am so glad brett and i never worked out and that our purpose in each others lives is to be friends. it really would have been the most horrible thing ever if i missed out on being apart of les brown's life. together we really are the perfect team.

Wednesday, January 21, 2004

comfortably numb

i've actually made it a whole day without crying. in fact today i feel comfortably numb. no panic, no pain, no joy, no nothing. it's rather nice actually. i didn't even get that sharp stab of fear as i hung out with les tonight. that's a rather new development that arrived with the water works. when all this intense hurt surfaced i guess the fear that someone else could cause me this much pain is very scary. nobody else has had the opportunity to even get where they could hurt me the way my mom and dad have hurt me. i've definately made myself vulnerable to les. after i'm done with all this old junk i don't want to ever have to hurt like that again. it's fear that he has the ability to hurt me that way. i know he wont at least not intentionally. it's strange but it's almost like i want him to do something really crappy so it will prove that i'm right and that i don't deserve to be treated good. i know that's sick but that's the sickness that's inside of me. i know what the bible says about my value and my worth and part of me knows this but the other bigger part thinks i'm a worthless piece of junk. i don't want to think this way and i don't want how i act to be influenced by this but i have no control over this. i am paralyzed by fear to let people know what i really want and what i really desire. it kills me to ask for little things. we're going to go over the twelve steps in church starting this sunday. i've been curious to find out what i'll discover that is out of my control. is it this? is it something else? i really beat myself up over this but i don't know how to change. i need to call my mom tomorrow and let her know that i don't want her to walk me down the aisle. i've never been able to stand up to my mom and stand my ground. really who am i kidding? i don't stand up to anyone. if i go back on what i want i'm gonna be so pissed at myself but i don't know how to do it. that's where total surrender comes in i guess. i know i have no control over this but God can give me the strength. i have to have faith that God will give me His strength and i will be successful. when did i become such a beaten down person. i honestly feel like i'm a beaten house wife who defends her abuser. so much for this tough girl who is so independent. it doesn't make any freakin sense. i don't make sense. is all this really necessary? FRUSTRATION. i don't get it. GOD PLEASE MAKE YOUR LOVE SUFFICIENT FOR ME!
i'm so glad God is back. it was so absolutely horrible without Him. i know He draws away from us sometimes but it really is the most horrible thing ever. i could be in the deepest depths of the ocean but as long as i have God with me i'm okay. that's how i'm fine when i'm really not. God is good! sooo... on tuesday the mysterious second couple for the houston plant shows up. i don't know it they will be a match but it definately could be and if it was it is so wacky that it's a God thing. last week i was upset that john didn't want us to get comfortable at gateway. then i realized that this is exactly what i wanted to be able to do. not that i wouldn't listen to God's call but i want to get comfortable at gateway and stay. i love austin, i love our church, i love our community. i love it! i hate houston! i don't want to go to houston. it's crazy because i knew i was going to go to houston with les even before there was a glimmer of hope that we would ever even be dating. now i'm like blah i don't want to go. it's not that i don't want to go it's that i am afraid and i'm letting fear get the best of me. that's dumb because God always provides. i'm afraid of how hard it will be, how it will affect our marraige, how it will affect us financially. stupid stupid stupid. i was willing to go but i didn't want to go sooner than two years. if this couple is the right fit then it will be a year. wow. when i heard that a guy in houston had called who is trying to do a church plant called my stomach dropped to the floor. if this is it i'm on board and i have faith that God will not only provide but it will be the most amazing experience. one more amazing then i could ever imagine. what all this boils down to is my fear of marraige. i was outside shane and laceys yesterday after our sr high small group and i was looking at the house next door. there's obviously a family with kiddos there. when i looked over there i got a feeling of dread. i still think marraige and having a family is horrible. my conception of what a family means and what marraige is is so twisted and distorted. i never imagined it could be this good with les. and i know our marraige is going to be even better but all i really know about all that is what i experienced growing up and i don't want to re-live that ever again. i guess i'm terrified that i'm going to have to somehow. so i guess that's where the sharp pangs of fear are stemming from. it's like there is this totally freaked out kid still stuck inside of me who thinks they are going to be drug back into the same situation. exercise the demons! ahhh!! i am so ready for all this junk to be gone! all in God's precious timing. God is so awesome! it's so hard to be still and know that He is God. well, i know with all my heart that He is God but the being still part is so hard. GOD PLEASE HELP TO CONTINUE TO GROW MY HEART TOWARDS YOU! ALL I WANT TO DO IS TO PLEASE YOU AND DO YOUR WILL. PLEASE MAKE MY LIFE BE ABOUT LOVING AND SERVING YOU AND NOT ABOUT ME. PLEASE HELP ME TO BE PATIENT WHILE YOU ARE GROWING AND HEALING ME. PLEASE GIVE ME THE STRENGTH TO STAND UP AGAINST MY MOM. THANK YOU FOR HER GOD AND PLEASE BLESS HER. HELP HER TO TRULY KNOW YOUR LOVE AND YOUR PEACE. LOVE YOU GOD! AMEN.

Monday, January 19, 2004

the flood gates finally opened and i'm ready to quit my wrestling career

so it happened saturday. i spent a whole afternoon and evening crying. slowly but surely i'm starting to grieve over my past. i finally understand why i feel like i have been in this awful funk for months and months. there's just a bunch of awful funk inside me that needs to come out. i've carried around with me for so long and God wants to take it away from me. the whole process can be so frustrating. i beat myself up over everything. i get so busy fighting myself to even let go. i even realized tonight that i've been wrestling God with this. i get to the point where i'm finally willing to give it to Him and then i worry about whether or not i'm just being a whimp and just running from it instead of just dealing with it. i've lacked faith. "oh ye of little faith" that who i am. God is so awesome though because He shows me. He shows me so that i can grow to be the person He created me to be. i have faith that when i give this to God and i am able to feel peace that God is going to continue to work with me on dealing with this stuff.

yesterday i cried for hours and then les called and he instantly came over and he brought beautiful roses with him. tonight he stayed with me. both nights he prayed for me for so long. he blows me away. it keeps getting better and better with him. i still can't believe how he treats me and how much he adores me. i can't understand why he does. i can't understand how God feels about me. i feel so loved by God and He has sustained me through all of this. this junk hurts. it hurts more than i can even explain and the feeling of lose can be so overwhelming. yet i'm still able to rejoice. rejoice that God's love and grace will never leave me. that evne though i'm walking in the valley right now my life is still so incredibly amazing and i am so blessed. i'm so glad God is back. i know He never left me but it's so much easier when i can feel His presence. i couldn't get through this if He wasn't holding me so tight. i know God is taking me through this now not only because He wants to set me free of it but also because He is so hard at work prreparing me for what He created me to be. He's preparing me for greatness that i can't even imagine. God is going to do things through me that i can't even imagine. He needs to heal me from all this junk though before He can use my full potiential. He is going to do incredible things through me and les. even now i fear that i wont be humble and i wont give God the credit. i need to let that go and stop wrestling God. He will take me where i need to go. my heart is in the right place. i love God with all my heart. i want to do what He wants me to do. i don't want to get in the way of His will. i need to trust that God will keep me in check and He's not going to let me stray. I WANT TO SURRENDER ALL GOD PLEASE HELP ME TO DO THAT!

Friday, January 16, 2004

the first day

so it finally sunk in today that i landed my dream job. i got up this morning and it hit me that i was going to go to work at gateway today and i'm going to work there the day after that and the day after that. i got to work at 8:30 and i was the only person there. i sat there in the cube that is now officially and thought what am i supposed to do. then i reached another AH-HA moment. i am the new student ministries director. intern or not i am the one who gets to shape crossroads. i am the one who gets to cast vision and get that thing up and running and no longer surviving but thriving. i've always said that i wasn't creative. i've been wrong all these years. i may not be able to produce visual art that people can appreciate but i'm about to use my creative ability to help mold a student ministries program at gateway. how awesome is that!? i even had a student come visit me today. those kids are what it's all about.

i'm am definately joyful and fired up but i'm still stuck in a melancholy daze. i think i'm done beating myself up about wanting to crawl into a cave. all i have goes to my students right now and that's okay. God is working overtime at getting me where i need to be. God is taking care of the ones i love right now and when He's taken me to the point where i can rest again everything will be once again restored.

got a letter from a debt collector today. YEAH! i stinkin hate debt! at this rate i'll be out of it in 2031. bah! my debt has nothing to do with my self worth. maybe i'll even believe that tomorrow.

Wednesday, January 14, 2004

almost forgot

well, i spilled my guts on saturday and told les about all that sex junk i was dealing with. he is absolutely amazing. he was so understanding and he just let me cry. then he prayed for a long time for me and for us. it blows my mind how incredibly blessed i am to be with him. i can't wait to marry that man. it sucks to be in the pit when i have been blessed with so much. i get to marry les brown i should be at the top of the world. i guess it's a good thing that i'm not looking to les for my fullfillment and happiness in life. i am fired up to marry him and he does make me happy but that still doesn't mean that life is always going to be a bowl of cherries. i'm tired of feeling like a kill joy. blah!

on a lighter note we registered yesterday. we have so much in common that it's almost freakish. i have to admit i was a little bit nervous about registering because there's always that possibility that a couple could have completely different tastes. nope not us. we were pretty on the money. it's gonna be awesome! picking out the wedding bands next week will be interesting. i guess that's when les will find out that i'm not a big fan of yellow gold which my engagement ring just happens to be. i absolutely love the ring i'm just not too fired up about the color. hmm.... well, see.

sis boom bah or should i say sis boom blah!!

just when i think i can finally see the light at the end of the tunnel, i seem to get drug down for another round of fun. i'm ready to not feel this way anymore. i just can't shake this case of the funks. it's really weird because i'm depressed without really being depressed. i'm happy with my life. in fact i feel very blessed with everything that i have. on thursday i'm fixin to start the job that i've wanted for a long time, i'm gonna marry the most amazing man i've ever met, and God has blessed me with an amzing church and awesome friends. i just don't feel like i have anything to give. i don't feel like talking or hanging out with the awesome friends that i have. i just kinda wanna be a lone right now. i know i have a lot of stuff i'm trying to deal with right now but i wonder if all this junk that i'm feeling is from the devil pill. maybe it's a combination. either way i'm not taking those stupid pills anymore. i'm calling tomorrow to get them switched. i feel like a basket case.

maybe the reason why i don't want to be around people is because i feel like i have to perform. i don't think anyone wants to be around me when i'm like this. i don't think that les wants to be around me or that anyone wants too. people like it when i'm a knucklehead and i make them laugh. people like it when i'm bouncing off the walls. i just don't have it in me right now to do any of that. so i guess it's not that i don't want to talk to people or that i don't want to be around people i just don't want to put on a show. i love being a goofball and i love bouncing off the walls. that's who i am and i love to be that way i just don't have that in me right now. i really wish i did. i really wish that i wasn't terrified to show people the other not so goofy me. who wants to be around a grumpy gus? i miss my giddyness. i really hope depression isn't gonna be the thorn in my side that i have to deal with all my life. that would really suck. ah this too is only a season that will soon pass.

i'm sure the thought of thursday isn't helping either. this new job is scaring the tar out of me. in small group with my kiddos we talked about being forced out of your comfort zone. this job is definately pushing me out of my comfort zone. ithere is no way i can do this job without God. i totally see now why it took me so long to get this job. God had to grow enough so i could handle it. but am i ready to handle it now? this is where faith comes in. i knew i was going to get this job and i know this is where i'm supposed to be so i need to have faith that God is going to lead me every step of the way. i know He is but i'm just scared. scared that i wont be able to handle this new job and be able to be at everybodys disposal when i feel like a recluse right now. how can i be the person that i need to be for this job when i'm stuck in a valley and i'm trying to plan a wedding? oh but how awesome to have les brown there for me now. God is strongest in our weakness. He wouldn't have placed me here if I couldn't handle it. He will never give us more than we can handle. i just need to keep going back to His word and reminding myself that i need to fear not because He is always with me. i really do have nothing to fear. i just fear failure. GOD PLEASE GIVE ME FAITH. GIVE ME FAITH AND PEACE THAT YOU REALLY ARE BEHIND ME AND THAT YOU WOULDN'T HAVE GIVEN ME THIS JOB IF I WAS GOING TO TOTALLY SUCK. GOD PLEASE HELP ME TO STOP FEARING FAILURE. THERE ARE ASPECTS OF THIS JOB THAT I'M GOING TO FAIL AT BUT GOD I'M TRUSTING THAT YOU THAT YOU WILL HELP ME NOT TO TAKE THAT PERSONALLY. WE LEARN THE M0ST WHEN WE FAIL. HELP ME TO LEARN FROM MY FAILURE. HELP ME TO BE BOLD AND COURAGEOUS. PLEASE WALK ME THROUGH THIS EVERY STEP OF THE WAY AND WHEN THINGS ARE GOING GREAT PLEASE HELP ME TO NEVER FORGET THAT YOU ARE THE REASON FOR THAT. HELP ME ALWAYS TO BE HUMBLE. LORD IF POSSIBLE PLEASE HELP ME OUT OF THIS VALLEY. BUT ONLY WHEN YOU HAVE TAUGHT ME EVERYTHING I NEED TO LEARN AND HAVE GROWN ME TO WHERE I NEED TO GROW. PLEASE GIVE ME THE STRENGTH I NEED TO SHOW YOUR LOVE TO OTHERS. I'M FAILING MISERABLY AT THAT BY IGNORING THE PEOPLE YOU HAVE BLESSED ME WITH. PLEASE FORGIVE ME FOR THAT. LORD PLEASE HELP GIVE ME THE STRENGTH TO RECONNECT WITH MY FRIENDS EVEN THOUGH ALL I WANT TO DO IS STAY IN MY CAVE OF ISOLATION. THANK YOU LORD! AMEN!

Thursday, January 08, 2004

JOY IN THE VALLEY

alright i'm finally willing to admit it, i'm borderline depressed. or maybe it's not depression as much as i've become withdrawn and introspective. God has revealed to me this week that i have totally stepped away from my community. i've been so good at doing that in the past and i guess hard habits are hard to break. i just really haven't felt like i have much to offer and i definately don't know how to ask people to help me. i'm so blessed to be living with heather right now. if i wasn't i might have totally slipped into the darkness. it's obvious that i need to start rebuilding those connections. i've used busyness as an excuse. i have been stinkin busy but i'm not too busy to take five minutes to connect with people that i love. i'll get better. the good news is that i have God with me through this valley. it's awesome to be able to find joy even though i don't exactly feel like myself or how i want to feel. i'm ready to be happy go lucky again. maybe if i'd stop just dipping my toe into the waters of my past then i could have a period of really grossness and then be rid of it. maybe this is the way it's supposed to work and i should just be grateful. i am grateful that i'm in this valley. i've definately been dealing with stuff it just hasn't been at my pace. i think i would have learned this lesson by now. it's not on my time schedule it's on God's and His timing is perfect.

today at work i was told the story of how a certain employee has been forcing himself on other employees. he even went as far as having sex with someone who was passed out. i feel horrible for her. i can totally understand how she feels. when i think back to all the times i was taken advantage of when i was not of sound mind i can't believe i continued to drink. actually i can. i just thought that was what i deserved. in the past guys had tried to have sex with me when i was either passed out or too drunk to even speak. there is nothing worse than waking up with someone on top of you trying to force themself on you. luckily God was in most of those situations and only one person ever succeeded. it's so easy to blame yourself. i believed that it was my fault so much that i even eventually dated the guy. heck i was even engaged to him. IT MAKES ME WANT TO VOMIT!! God has taken me so far. i can't believe that i had so little self worth that i would have ever ever gotten myself involved with adam. it's never even really hit me how much damage he has done to me. how much damage all of this has done to me. i'm trying to reclaim my value and my self worth but it's not easy and the lies are so far entrenched inside of me that i don't know if i'll ever get it. at least i have one thing going for me. i'm finally able to see how all this junk affects how i behave and relate to others. i was never able to see that before. i can't say no because i don't think i have a right to. i have a hard time asking for help because i don't think anybody wants to. i can't tell les everything that i'm struggling with because if he knew then he wouldn't want to waste his time with me. i know these are all lies but i can't make my heart believe that they are lies. i'm taking baby steps but it's still so stinkin hard. how could i have told les about what was going through my head tonight. how could i have explained that the whole thing that happened to robyn reminded me of all the situations i had been through. how could i have told him that i am so stinkin ashamed right now because i'm a total moron and actually got into a relationship with an asshole who did something very similiar.

Tuesday, January 06, 2004

so i got the job....now what?

well, i've finally gotten the job offer that i've been waiting so impatiently for. i never thought i'd be this mellow about getting my dream job. i went in to gateway today to tell them that i was going to accept their offer and i already have a bunch of stuff on my plate. it's going to be a busy year. i guess i'm starting to wonder if i can actually do it. with God's help i can. the last couple of days have been very interesting. les heard he was going to get a job offer at gateway and then i got mine. somehow things have gone awry ( is that how i spell that? ) it looks like they aren't going to offer les what they really should offer him and it seems that they might be trying to make his position an internship. it's been kinda draining going over budget stuff to see what we could survive on. this is definately a test. it's so easy to get angry before we even know what they are planning on offering him. it's so easy to compare the situation to other staff members. we both don't want to get rich and we both know that with us both wanting to get into ministry we wont make nearly as much as we would with secular jobs. however, les is so talented and he does so much for the church. i just want gateway to do what is right and what is fair. instead of jumping the gun i know we should be on our knees in prayer. i want to have faith that God will take care of us and this situation but it's so easy to act in a worldly manner. i've even allowed this situation to rob me of some of my joy about receiving this job. if they don't do what i feel is right in this situation with les then it doesn't really make me want to work for gateway. it's not even about the money it's about what is right. is this thinking even right? i don't know. what is the right thing in this situation. the right thing is to pray about it and trust that God has it covered. i know He does and so does les but there's still that thing inside me that wont let it go.
my life really is amazing. there is this swiftfoot song that has a line in it that says "this is your life are you who you wanna be?" before i could have easily answered no. right now when i stop and look at where i am and who i have become i'm getting closer to being able to say yes. am i happy with where i am at right now? absolutely! i never could have said that before. i'm getting an opportunity to start a career in ministry. this is what God has called me to do. i don't know why He has but i feel incredibly honored that He did. i have an amazing man in my life who i get to marry in less than four months. not only that we get to work together at a church that has changed so many people's lives in austin. we get to do ministry together. now i look at my life and think how is this possible? i never would have dreamed this for myself but it's amazing. i'm still trying to get to the point where i can say i am who i wanna be. i don't want to change my life but i would like to change the person that i am. and i guess that's not totally the truth either. i just want to be free of all the baggage and the lies that i believe and that i still hold onto. les loves me like i love him but i can't understand why anyone would. i can't wait till i don't have to carry this shame around anymore.

Monday, January 05, 2004

get me to a head shrinker and fast!

first thing is first i guess. kinda went past the kissing rule tonight. nothing major but it has definately brought to light that the whole sex after marraige thing is freaking me out. it's almost like i'm giddy with guilt and shame right now. it sucks that i didn't honor God tonight but what's gonna happen when having sex and messing around doesn't involve not honoring God and i don't have a reason to feel shame or guilt. i've read that people who have been sexually abused are fine having sex pre-marraige but after they tie the knot it suddenly sucks ass. i don't want it to suck. right now i want to freakin attack les and if that suddenly goes away when we can finally have sex that's gonna be absolutely horrible. not to mention the fact that it freakin pisses me off beyond all believe that this old crap is still messing with me. when will it have no power over me? as if it isn't bad enough to live it. why does it have to keep screwing with my life. GO AWAY YOU ARE NOT WANTED ANYMORE!! if only it was that easy. they are starting up another group for women "survivors" at church. everytime it pops up on the screen i think maybe i should go to that but the thought makes me want to vomit. when i went to the last thing about how to help someone in crises who is being abused i freaked out and it was absolutley horrible. i guess i have to go. i don't want to drag this crap around with me anymore. i want to be done with it. this sucks. i so don't want to do this but i so wanna be able to get it on like donkey kong when i'm married and actually get to enjoy it. maybe we can get married and forget about the whole sex thing. AM I SMOKING CRACK!? the thing is that les brown is so absolutely amazing that if i was really struggling and trying to deal with this and we got married and i wasn't ready he would so totally wait till i was. God has totally blessed with a man so incredible there aren't words good enough to describe him.

on a brighter note looks like i'm gonna score me a youth internship tomorrow. i was sitting next to this guy at church and he's the stepfather of one of my youths and he leans over and says congrats on the youth internship or should i ask you if you accepted. i turned and looked at him open mouth and perplexed and asked who he had been talking to. he said to pretend like i had never heard that. after service i was able to weasel it out of him, he had been talking to charles. when i was trying to tell les about it tonight he turned and looked at me and said you know they are going to give you the job. okay so it's true. i've know that God was gonna give me that job for awhile now. i've doubted it many times because the timing hasn't been on my clock but i've known. it's not like i think i have so much game back in crossroads and that i'm the very best person for the job i've just known that this is what God has called me to do and what He has been trying so hard to prepare me for. i've been kicking and screaming the whole way. i swear i'm a cuckasaurus rex. it's goning to be so nice to finally have a normal job. a job where i don't have to work ten billion shifts a week to barely scap by, a job where i'm free to roam wherever i want to and run as many errands as i need to and take a lunch break without feeling guilty. ROCKIN! not to mention it's my stinkin dream job! every single job i've had before this has prepared me for this job. that's so crazy to think about!

there are a couple things i really need to rememeber now that things are finally starting to happen. 1. my pride needs to always stay out of this. this job is a gift from God. i could have never gotten here by myself and i can't do this job successfully without His constant help. 2. satan is going to try to attack me every step of the way. i've heard it from so many people in ministry when you are in the battlefield the enemy is constantly trying to drag you away and if you are not strong or grounded in God he'll win because our flesh is weak. 3. my number one priority in life needs to be my relationship with God now i need to spend time with Him more than ever to have Him guide me and protect me. having solitude time with God ( a date with God ) needs to happen weekly and i need to get back on my daily quite time. it;s time for another fast. i was wondering why i kept feeling like i needed to do one and to do an extended one starting in january. it all makes sense now. a forty day fast. i'm not quite sure what that will look like yet. i really need to pray about it. i know it wont be just a juice fast because i can't go that long on just juice and have the strength and energy to have this new job. i think maybe a forty day fast that involves only eating fruits, veggies, drinking juice and water and protien shakes and stuff. no fast food, no eating out, no quick easy meals other than a protien whatever. i sure do likes me some meat. forty days without meat alone will be difficult. who knows God will reveal what He wants me to do. i so need to do this.

Saturday, January 03, 2004

dude! where did 2003 go!?

it's hard to believe that another year has passed and it's 2004. this year has gone by so fast. so much has happened this year that it's hard to grasp. i have to say though this year has been by far the best one yet. i think next year is going to be even better.
the wedding is getting even closer. a couple days ago i was all about going to jamaica to get married. my mom didn't go for it though. i'm gonna have to get married at gateway in order for everything to work. i'm sad because i really wanna get married outside but the budget just wont have it. i keep saying that i hope it rains april 24th so i wont be sad that i'm getting married inside. BLAH to that idea though. when i really think about it, i'm going to be so fired up that i finally get to marry les that it doesn't matter where i get married. it will all work out. planning the honeymoon is a lot more fun. looks like we will be honeymooning in belize. i'm pretty fired up about it. les brown gets more amazing everyday. he is so good to me. he absolutely adores me and makes sure that i know that he does. nobody has ever treated me the way that he treats me. he's going to be the most amazing husband ever. there are times when i freak out a little about the marraige thing. i'm fired up about ebing married to les but when i think about the whole sex thing it's kinda scary. it's crazy because it takes a lot for me not to attack him now. i'm looking forward to GFS (guilt free sex). sex has always involved guilt for me so it will be interesting to see if i still feel guilty having sex after i'm married. in the past i felt guilty for having sex out of the context of marraige. when les and i finally get to go at it i'll have no excuse for feeling guilty. there's no excuse not to have sex. hopefully i wont still be broken in that area of my life when the big day arrives.

it looks like i'll find out if gateway is going to hire me by the end of next week. chalres said they wanted to hire someone during the first week of january and sunday or monday we are going to have a talk about what a youth internship at gateway looks like. after talking to les, i don't think they are going to pay me jack. suck! God will provide though. they told les they are going to make him a job offer and once they know the details of it they will have the big discussion. i guess in the next couple of weeks les and i will know where we will be financially. it's interesting already how our lives are turning from a him and me to an us. is it april yet? on a side note we are going to do the bible in a year thing. that's good stuff. hopefully in the next couple weeks i'll finally have time to have an actual life. i can't wait to actually have time to get caught up with some people. it's been frustrating!!