Thursday, February 26, 2004

who's grumbling now?

i saw the passion of the christ tonight. i can't believe how self centered i am. i'm tired of feeling this way or i'm tired of feeling that way. this job is hard, planning this wedding sucks. blah blah blah.... i am the one who deserves to suffer death. everything good that i have is given to me from God and i don't deserve any of it. not only did God send his son to die a brutal death for me, he has blessed me with so much. all i've been doing lately is whine and moan. why are things so hard? because i haven't put my relationship with God first. the burden he gives me is light if i would only shut up, stop struggling and let him take control. just because i believe in God doesn't mean life is going to be easy. that was never a guarantee. i have someone who is willing to help me carry the load though. who is willing to take my burdens and offer me love, mercy and grace. i've done nothing to deserve what i have yet God has given it to me because he loves me. all he wants is for me to know him. when did becoming a chirstian mean that i'm entitled to anything but salvation? that's enough! my human response is to feel like a piece of dog poop. but there is no condemnation for thoise who love the Lord. Jesus didn't die on the cross for me to feel guilty he did it because he loves me. i can't even grasp what his love must be like for me. i don't get it. i can't get it. i wont get it until i'm no longer here. how do you love like that? it's mind blowing. nothing else seems important.

Saturday, February 21, 2004

another tough week and the move

i'm tired of feeling insane. i'm tired of being sad. i'm just tired of being tired. i'm ready to surrender now. this week i found out the reason why it sucks so much when les leaves is because he doesn't stay the night. i learned to get security from that when i was seventeen. no wonder why it sucks so bad. the topic has strangly come up with several other girlfriends and they have the same reaction as i do. the good news is i heard it goes away once you are married! DUH! you get to sleep together.
little by little God is revealing the gross junk i have tucked and hidden away. it's hard working through all of this. luckily He gives me breaks now and again. too bad they never last very long. soon very soon. this wont last forever and once it's over it's going to be so fantastic!
les moved into "our"place today. i got there and instantly hated it! i tired to choke that down and help him set things up alittle. the whole evening was characterized by excitement and total and utter fear. when we set up his bed or "our" bed i really started freaking out. i just wanted to start screaming "i don't want to have sex, i don't want to have sex!!" the whole sex thing freaks me out at times. i don't quite understand it but i do at the same time. les of course knew something was up and i spit it out, well not the sex part.

Saturday, February 14, 2004


les truly is the most wonderful guy ever! this has been the best valintines i've had in years. he is so thoughtful. he completely picks up on the littlest things. we went to dinner and then came back to my apartment and watched a movie. heather was here. i definately can't wait till we have our own place but right now it's a great thing that we have roommates. heather left during the movie and went to dawn's. i wanted her to leave but i wanted her to stay at the same time. i said a quick flare prayer that God would help us "be good" and He answered. consequently les left at 10pm. i'm having a hard time with all that. when we screw up it screws me up but having him leave so early messes with me too. we don't spend as much time together as we used to and i know it's because it's stinkin hard and we have to be smart but it's killing me. i wish i wasn't so scared to let him know how i'm feeling. then when i freak out like this it makes me think that there is something seriously wrong. what unhealthy thing is driving this reaction from me? what security am i getting from him staying that goes away when he leaves? what's wrong with me?

i'm in love so why does this day feel like doomsday?

it snowed last night! i haven't felt joy like that in a long time. i sat outside and felt completely carefree. it felt so good.

it's valentine's day and i've felt nothing but dread today. it finally hit me why i feel like this is the worst day inthe world. last year on this day a certain someone looked me in the eyes and told that i was so hard to love. a year later it hurts me more than it did hearing it then. it stung when he said it but that's what i believed. it's what i still struggle with trying not to believe today. adam reinforced all the lies i learned growing up. no wonder why i'm so screwed up now. i've been trying to figure out why i'm so dang insecure with les and DUH!! adam fed me so much crap and i still believe it. i never realized how being in one itty bitty relationship could have such devastating effects. it pisses me off that he's affecting my relatinship with les. he doesn't deserve to have that power. i guess the only thing i can do to strip him away of that power is to grieve over all the junk he fed me and try to realize that it's lies.

i shouldn't be a gloomy gus today. i'm in love with an amazing man and he's in love with me. this is the day of LOVE. i don't know how to trust love.

Friday, February 13, 2004


i seemed to have stumbled across something rather interesting today. several people have expressed to me recently in not so many words their need to be needed. i've always been in a position where people have needed me. i never realized how much security being needed can bring. i never realized that how much self worth and value you can get out of being needed. i've been trying to figure out why sometimes i feel so insecure with les that it's maddening. i've never felt like this in a realtionship before. that's probably because in past relationships i have been, and i hate to finally admit this, co-dependent. BLAH!! i don't feel like les needs me... at all. that's not a very good or reassuring feeling. now i understand why people have been upset that i haven't been allowing anyone to help me. it seems that les and i both have the need to keep it all together. i've never been with anyone before who didn't need my help or at least ask for it. now here's the tough thing. how healthy is the need for people to need me? probably not very i imagine.


so i now realize that people have the need to be needed or maybe beeing the healthy version of that is the desire to help people in need. there is a difference. i see the value of allowing people help me both for them and for me but i have the strong need to not need anyone. now i know this is definately unhealthy. God created us to need other people most importantly the need to need him. God works through people so it only makes sense that we should rely on each other. how do i deal with my need to need other and my need not to need others. it's funny how ironic life can be.

i've been trying to figure out what i have been holding onto. what have i been holding back and not giving to God. why haven't i been able to surrender? i got my answer yesterday. i don't want to let on that i don't have it all together. i'm a fraid when i let go i wont have it all together. i don't even have it all together now so it's seems funny to try to grasp so hard at that. i'm afraid to let on how terrifying this job can be at times. i'm afraid to let on that sometimes i'm so insecure with les that i can hardly breathe. i'm afraid to crash into a blubbering mess of tears. at times it seems that all i'm doing is trying to hold back the flood that's inside. i'm afraid to let on that i'm hurting so bad inside sometimes that i feel like i'm slowly dying. i'm afraid to admit that i haven't been able to found real joy in a long time. i'm afraid to admit that at times i'm even afraid of God. i'm afraid to admit that i can't let go. i'm afraid to admit that i am terrified at failing. GOD HELP ME TO BE VULNERABLE. HELP ME NOT TO BE AFRAID OF NOT KNOWING THE ANSWERS AND NOT HAVING IT ALL TOGETHER.

working at chili's shouldn't be as cool as it has been lately. i had a lot of great conversations about God last night. i must have talked about God to at least five people last night. i wasn't the one bringing it up it just came up. all that stuff makes working at chili's absolutely amazing. BUT... that's not the only reason why working there has been so great lately. sure it's already going to be better since i only work there one day a week now. waiting tables can be fun. but chili's has been extra great because it's nice to have a job that i know i can do. i know how to wait tables. not only do i know how to do it, i'm good at it. i found myself last night grasping at using that to tell me who i am. hard habits are so hard to break. it's almost like i'm regressing now. i don't need to be billy bad booty waiter to know that i'm worth the air that i breath. i thought i was over that. i think i will have to get worse before i get better. until i finally dispell the lies that i believe that tell me who i am, or actually who i'm not then i'll be dealing with this crud forever. it absolutely boggles my mind how not knowing your value and worth in Christ can affect so many things. it affects everything! it's like a horrible parasite to me now. throw the spiritual warfare that's going on with me right now and you have yourself a bowl of fruitloops. BLAH!!

Tuesday, February 10, 2004

did i forget to mention that i'm tired of feeling this way? i'm tired of feeling lost. i feel like i'm a teenager again. only this time i have no crutch to lean on. it's me and the grossness. there's no running. there's no hiding. what could les possibly see in this? who cares!? who cares? why does it matter if he's lying and thinks i'm just a dumb girl? will my world really crumble? is that what i'm afraid of? does what he thinks of me really matter in the grand scheme of things? that's where this gross insecurity is coming from. if les bails then i've been right all along and i don't deserve to be loved. at least that is what i will believe. i don't want to be proven right. i want to be WRONG WRONG WRONG. once i can let that go this insecurity will fade. i want to believe that i deserve this.

waiting for the sheets to dry

"now that i have found someone i'm feeling more alone then i ever have before" brick bens fold five

i totally understand this lyric. i think i sometimes feel more alone now then i did before les. at least then when i was alone it was because i was alone, i was single and that was okay. now i'm alone and i feel somehow i'm not supposed to be. that pang of insecurity can't get to you if you are single. now all i can do is sit around feeling insecure. i so despreately want to be secure. les brown wants to marry me. he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. why can't i trust his love? i've never had love that i could trust. why should this be any different? i keep trying to tell myself that this is different but why? WHY!? why should this be any different? i need love. i want love. why is it so hard? does it get worse before it gets better? it feels that way. how long before it's done? will i loose everything and everyone before it's all over?

i'm even scared of God now. i'm scared of what He will show me. i've lost the ability to be still and know He is God. who is God? how can He possibly love me the way it says He does? how can anyone? i've got to let his go... somehow it's become part of my security. security blanket. it's my identity, it's all i've known. how do i let that go? it seems i must surrender everyday. i don't want control. why must i always fight for it.

..."she's a brick and i'm drowning slowly off the coast and i'm headed nowhere..."

what a sad sad mess us humans are...


Wednesday, February 04, 2004

side note

my senior high small group rocked tonight! God totally showed up and it was so cool! it's been quite the last couple of weeks because we are doing a study on ephesians which is difficult. i knew if i pushed them to the plate they would step up! i can't get over how amazing it was tonight. i love those kids!

finally willing to admit it....

well, holy crap did i ever come across the discovery today. i'm one of those sensitive types! i knew this but i;ve been doing nothing but fight it since i was a little kid. quite your crying or i'll give you something to cry about. i got to the point that i refused to let anyone think they were able to hurt me in anyway. i've been lying to myself. i guess i'm finally ready to throw in the towel. i'm not a tough guy!! that's not who God created me to be. i'm a weenie, a whimp, my feelings get hurt easily. SUCK!!!!!!! it totally makes sense though. i guess that's why i'm very aware or even hypersensative to others and their feelings. do i really have to be sensitive though? i really feel like a big fat baby. oh, well. i also learned another thing. i am not realistic when it comes to the relationships i have with others. for example my relationship with les brown. i want to glorify him in everyway possible and i don't ever want to admit that our relationship could be anything less than perfect. well, it's not and that is not realistic. being with les has been better than any other relationship i've ever had. he really is the most amazing man i have ever met but he's not perfect. this has definately been the scariest relationship i have ever been in. i feel more insecure in this relationship than i have in any other relationship i have had. i know les adores me. the insecurity stems from within me. fear that once he really gets to know me he'll take off. i've made myself more vulnerable to him then i have in any other relationship. i haven't gotten false security from sleeping with him. this past week i have definately felt on again / off again with him. something is going on. i'm sure part of it is me. i'm geekin to some extent. i've been pulling away. i think i'm ready to step it up a notch though. i'm scared but at this point what difference is it going to make? if i get hurt it's going to hurt either way. God has deifnately been doing some healing. lets see if tomorrow i actually follow through or if i whimp out.

becky cried at the staff meeting today and i almost felt resentment towards her. at least towards her being such a girl and being so sensitive. it allm akes sense now. i didn't have compassion for her which is odd for me because i saw in her today what i have been fighting with in myself. i don't want to be sensitve and that's why i was irritated at becky. actually it was more disgust. she is such a sweet sweet girl. i felt horrible for feeling that way.

so did i forget to mention that jerkface called me on saturday? i know i forgot to mention it to les. okay so he called me at 11:30 in the morning and i was snoozing on the couch because my senior high girls had come over the night before and stayed up till 7 in the morning. we were all pretty much falling asleep while watching three amigos. he was a total butthead. called me lazy for still being asleep yada yada desirea you suck, i'm moving come get your stuff. i was definately feeling off again with les when all this happened so i called a couple people to see if they could help me go get my stuff instead of askeing les to help me. i think a lot of that had to do with i want to be tough and i don't want anybody's stinkin help and with the combination of feeling grief over my daddy issues and jackass treating me like crap there was no way in haides i was going to admit that i needed help from some dumb boy! PERIOD!!! after getting off the phone with jerkhead it totally made me want to bolt from les. it reminded me why it was better off to be single. it's not that way with les though. am i trying to get self worth from him? i hope not!

Monday, February 02, 2004

and the plot thickens

so i thought the flood gates had opened a few days earlier. i had no idea that i had only reached the tip of the iceburg. yesterday the wailing began. i thought crying sucked. wailing is worse, much worse. i guess the sobbing and i really do mean sobbing began in the late afternoon. i probably made crazy noices for about an hour then passed out. ah sleep. a beautiful yet rare thing. i then had to suck it up and go to a party. i had to pass on the fire pit. les went and i was left with the most horrible lonliness i've felt in a long time. the wailing began again. for hours and then it got worse. i thought the sobbing was bad until i started screaming. i was terror sticken and had a really hard time regaining some sort of control. so i have some repressed memories. yeah! these are worse then the crap i can remember. i was so freaked out last night that i wouldn't let myself remember. then all i could do was rock back and forth crying that i didn't want to want les to be there. damn i wish heather was in town. well, les called an hour later and knew i was crying and asked me if i wanted him to come over. i couldn't say yes fast enough. the crazy thing is that i didn't want him there at all, yet i did. i needed someone to be there. i was to freaked out that i was going to go nutso and nobody was going to be there. he held me and i could find absolutely no comfort in his arms last night. i didn't want to. when i finally calmed down enough and was sure that i wasn't going to remember something that i wasn't prepared to remember i told him i'm okay you can go home now. well, he wouldn't. so i had to make myself surrender to being okay with being held by him and i was finally able to fall asleep. i can't remember what time he left last night but today we were both exhausted.
this morning i didn't know how i was going to make it. i was choking back tears during church and i had no idea how i was going to teach a group of jr. high students. God once again showed up and i got through the day.
tonight the thought of being home alone freaked me out. anxiety, fear you name it. i used to hear this girl sobbing in my head. now i hear a girl screaming in my head. i know it needs to come out and just like the sobbing it will. les came over for alittle while and here i am blogging away. God is good He has brought me peace. les and i were able to talk some stuff out and he prayed for me and now i am secure in God's refuge. this is tough stuff. gotta go through it though.
so hears the theory of the repressed memories. when istarted going through that dumb book which i haven't been going through anymore i had that feeling that there was stuff there that i had made myself forget. now i'm positive of it. so what could i possibly be repressing? more fun sexual abuse. all signs point to yes. but how, who? well, it's not my stepdad. i am still remembering things that i had forgotten with that but they are still surface memories. i don't try to remember what things were like growing up with him and my mom. so it's not repressed just pushed aside for more pleasant things. i've had enough fun dealing with more recent memories of stupid crap i've done to myself. i had completely forgotten about the bnig incident with my stepdad until i told tim that one night. i couldn't believe how i had completely forgotten. it's crazy. so if the memories that are hidden deep don't involve him then who? i think it's my real dad or connie the woman he was dating. i hated that name and still do! i couldn't remember anything about her really but i knew i hated her. i'm positive she was involved i don't know if my dad was or not. i can remmebr odd things but not the whole thing. i rememeber starting at a music box, being in a truck at night and being dressed, and some other random things. the truck thing freaks me out. i can't remember anything before though. i'm sure i'll know sooner than i want to. the fear makes me physically sick. i feel weak and drained, tensed and shaky. i hope heather is back home when i "get my memory back." i'm ready for this to be over now.
did i mention how wonderful it felt to be held by les today? thank goodness!