Sunday, March 28, 2004

PSYCHO-BILLY FREAK OUT

les and i met with our wedding cordinator today. we have so much to do. i wanted to pass out during the meeting. i would give anything in the world just to go elope. poor les, i couldn't even speak after the meeting. if i spoke i was afraid i would turn into a broken mess of frantic tears. 9 hours after the meeting i feel much better. the wedding itself seems like nothing but a huge pain in the booty but i guess i'll just have to deal with it. i'm such a weirdo bride. ithought i was supposed to be psycho about all this planning stuff.

i can't believe that i'm getting married. i always thought i would get married but i guess somewhere in the back of my mind i was always to freaked out to really think it would ever be for me someday. i never dreamed about the perfect wedding as a little girl, or imagined my perfect husband. in high school the two things i feared most was marriage and being old a decrepid. honestly i don't think that fear of being married went away. the thought of marriage still freaks me out. i just can't see how it could be anything different from what i saw growing up. it's almost as if the more i totally freak out the more i'm reassured that this is the man i was created to be with. we really are a lot alike. a lot of that is really good but i know some of that is not going to be so good. God is going to help teach how to get through even the tough times.

somehow i'm slowly starting to put my arm back down again. i love les brown and i don't want to be afraid of him anymore. i want him to know who i am, who i really am. hmm..starting to feel secure. where did that come from? i don't know but i like it.

Thursday, March 25, 2004

sweet precious time

it's amazing how much God can reveal to you when you stop long enough to listen. two big discoveries in one day. can i handle it? it's exciting.

so i figured out why i feel some of this grossness because of les. it's all about time sweet precious time. this morning les appologized about something last night but we really didn't talk about it. i went home for lunch and he decided to stay at work and just grab something from the kitchen. he asked if that was okay and of course i said yes. i felt gross leaving. i've been praying for the wrong things. i've just wanted God to make the feeling of grossness go away. i've been struggling with wondering if how i'm feeling is okay. big deal if he wanted to stay at gateway and work. in my head i start thinking if you were really sorry wouldn't you want to take the time to see if i was okay, i have to work tonight at chili's don't you want to be with me? i really wanted to talk to les about some stuff at lunch but of course i wouldn't have told him that. but why?

growing up everyone was always too busy for me. when i was little my mom would get off owrk and she would be too tired to spend quality time with me. when i got to middle school my mom went back to school and she was too busy studying and doing school work to spend time with me. everytime i said something my need for her to spend time with me i was made to feel selfish and totally out of line for requesting that. quality time is my number one love language. i didn't get it growing up so it makes total sense. i know les doesn't mean to do it but in instances like this afternoon the message that i don't have time for you is reinforced and that's why i feel horrible. i'm terrified to tell him to stay or that i want to be with him because i'm afraid that i'm being stupid or selfish for wanting to spend more time with les. i feel like i shouldn't feel the way that i do. there is a huge need inside of me that so desperatly wants someone to make me feel like they want to spend time with me and a need for someone to make me feel special. i want more than just words. i want someone to show me.

it all makes total sense now. it bothers me that all the closets in les's apartment soon to be our apartment are filled to the brim. i never felt like i was wanted at home. i always felt like i was just tolerated. i guess les not making closet space for me makes me feel like all i'm going to be to him is an intruder. idon't feel like he's fired up about having me in his life fulltime.

i guess the bottom line is that i never felt wanted.

perfectionism gone wrong

i just realized something huge today. i know that i'm terrified of failure and it's been causing me crazy anxiety with working for gateway but goodness it's crazy how it sneaks up everywhere. i've been trying to get a grasp on this insane busyness that i've put myself through. i feel like i've been so busy that i don't have time to enjoy life or i feel like i can't get a good handle on anything. this week has been different. i have been taking it really slow and been trying to get myself where i need to be with God. he showed me a ton when he brought me to surrender last week. it has definately taken away a lot anxiety and depression that ihave been feeling. it still wants to creep up on me but that fear is fear of failure. i've been keeping myself so busy and so spread thin that there is no way i could have been doing one thing in crossroads well. i've been doing this because i'm scared to fail. if i'm so stinking busy and spread thin and don't stop and focus on one thing at time thebn i have an excuse why nothing is ever really good. i don't spend too much time pumping up an event or on anything really. i'm here there and everywhere. i need to slow down and put effort into one thing at a time. if i fail then i fail. i'll learn and i'll try something new. i can't believe i've totally over looked that. God is so good!

Wednesday, March 24, 2004

joy in suffering

"The council accepted his advice. They called the apostles and had them flogged. Then they ordered them to never again speak in the name of Jesus, and they let them go. The apostles left the high council rejoicing that God had counted them worthy to suffer dishonor for the name of Jesus. And every day, in the Temple and in their homes, they continued to teach and preach this message: "The Messaih you are looking for is Jesus."
Acts 5:40-42


Many times we go through suffering. Heck I've been on quite the journey myself that hasn't been too incredbily pleasant. Have I been rejoicing that I would be considered worthy to serve God? Not really. This junk that I"m going through is going to do amazing things for me. It's teaching me how to completely trust God. It's helping get rid of the things in my life that hinder my relationships and almost everything that I do on a day to day basis. i should be rejoicing during this time. it's much easier for me to say that today since i seem to be dancing on the mountains instead crawling through the valley. i've grown and i'm continueing to grow. i need to rejoice and be thankful that God counts me worthy enough to go through this. He's been there walking me through the grief and the pain every step of the way. God is amazing!

i like cheese

weep with those who weep. one of my students isn't doing so good. she has bipolar and is tanking really bad at the moment. she's leaving for a month to do some outpatient stuff. poor sweet girl. it's really hard to understand things like this. why is it necessary for her to through something like this? i wish i could see the whole picture sometimes. i love my kiddos and it's so hard to see them go through tough times. i always wonder if i'm doing enough but all i really know how to do is to love them and pray.

i feel like i haven't hung out with les in forever. i see him almost everyday, we work at the same church how could we not. we spend a lot of time togehter but lately none of it has been quality time. he asked me if my needs are being met. i said yes but in all reality they aren't. i don't even know what i need. i need more than this though. am i needy? why can't i be a cool, collected, confident woman? instead i'm a freaked out and scared little girl. why is it so hard to tell him what i need? i don't even know what i need.

i just don't feel like i deserve to be treated good but i so desperately want to be. nobody has ever showed me that i was worth having my needs met.

i'm getting married in four weeks. i should be bouncing off the walls excited and instead i'm terrified. terrified that someone has to know me completely. am i really ready to completely trust someone? no i'm not. i'm still not over the crap that adam put me through. he did nothing but beat me down. i'm still waiting for les to do the same. how am i supposed to get over this fear? i don't know but someday i will.

Tuesday, March 23, 2004

dealing with discouragement

i finally got a day off yesterday. it's been over three weeks since i've had a day off from everything and now that i think about it that was probably one of the dumber things i've done.

i'm reading this book by doug fields called "your first two years in youth ministry." as usual the book is awesome. doug fields rocks. i just read a chanpter on discouragement and don't want it to go in one ear and out the other.

DEALING WITH DISCOURAGEMENT
1. welcome Christ's suffering
2. it's okay to question God's calling on my life
3. discouragement isn't necessarily a sign of spiritual incompetence
4. keep first things first - my relationship with God


PRACTICAL STEPS TO BATTLE DISCOURAGEMENT
-be confident that you are not alone
-find an experience and neutral mentor
-find an upbeat friend outside of youth ministry
-realize that not everyone will understand you and your ministry
-TAKE A DAY OFF
-schedule solo time away ( take a day a month on the job to sit and reflect and get recharged)
-clear the piles ( clean the piles of junk off your desk at least three times a year)
-get some sleep
-begin a discouragement journal
-begin an affirmation file
-make a personal comitment to last


i've been through the depths of discouragement and finally after this day off and finally surrendering this ministry over to God i think maybe this week is about to change.

"use every piece of God's armor to resist the enemy in the time of evil, so that after the battle you will still be standing firm."
Ephesians 6:13

Monday, March 22, 2004

up, down and around

yesterday by far was the worst day of the week and today had to be the absolute best. the difference is surrender. i am the worst at letting people help me, even God.

last night as the clock continued to click it's way past three i prayed and prayed that God would show up today. it's been over week since i've had a decent nights sleep and i new after the gross junk i went through last night there was no way i was going to be able to function. today i was totally at God's mercy. i completely knew this and he finally got my total surrender. jr high was awesome this morning! the guy who leads worship for us was singing in "big" church today and the sr. high student that i asked to lead worship never showed up. this would normally throw me into a gross frantic state. today it didn't and it turned out great anyway. they students loved the room so that of course got them all fired up and God totally spoke through me. i used toilet paper as a metaphor for love so of course the jr. high students dug it. what happens in crossroads is out of my hands. i need to hand it over to the one who can run this ministry better than anyone else. when i slow down, shut up, and let him work through me it's awesome!

it's really hard to get as fired up about the sr. high service as the jr. high service. i hate that that the sr. high have been getting kinda screwed when it comes to service prep time. i know my messages are not nearly as good for sr. high as jr. high. i only put about an hour into sr. high. this isn't fair but i put a lot more time into the students individually in sr. high. i missed my sr. high kiddosa over spring break. our group is so diverse but i absolutely love and adore every single one of them. it's crazy how students lives change the more time you pour into them. i spent all week hanging out with students. since most of them were gone i hung out with a particular group awhole bunch. it's amazing how they have blossomed over just a weeks period. i'm making an impact that i don't even realize. even though the sr. high service lacks a lot more than the jr. high service the stduents are still coming away with something. i have been trying to figure out why we haven't had much life to our sr. high as opposed to jr. high. it's because we are not ready for that kind of growth yet. once God gets me in a place where i can handle both services then things will start to change. till then i must be patient and wait. gotta stay clear of the numbers game.

i wish i didn't have to always be brought to my breaking point before i'll surrender. i wonder if i'll finally get some rest tonight. wil i go back under the cloud tomorrow. even if i do the "Lord is my rock and i will not be shaken!"

Saturday, March 20, 2004

how long will my heart ache?

i feel like a shell of a person. i don't even know who i am anymore. i thought i had figured it out but i guess i haven't yet. all i do now is live in fear. i'm so scared to be alone and yet somehow i think that's all i know and i don't know how to do it any other way. what is happening to me? i don't know what i would do without heather. seriously i think she's the only one who keeps me semi sane. I have les but do i really have him? right now i don't. i'm stuck in this horrible awful cycle. i'm too terrified to say what i need or what i want and when i don't get it, i just continue to believe the lies. i was headed off to church today and started crying. this heavy weight wont go away. les was there and i started crying again. i hate it when i cry in front of him bcause i feel like he will be freaked out or he'll think i'm just being a stupid girl. i knew he already had plans yto leave and go home so in my mind i thought i wonder if he's wondering how long he'll have to be there because i was upset. so i hold it in and i don't let him know how i'm really feeling and how i just need someone to be there. he goes and i start crying hysterically. i almost called jeremy. i knew heather would be asleep and i'm too freaked out to call les and tell him what i need. jeremy knows what a freak i am and yet still chooses to be my friend. i don't see how he benefits from our friendship but he's always there ecouraging me.
i don't even know what my point was. i'm so sick of hurting i don't know what to do anymore. i'll just have to wait for tomorrow to come.
tt

Friday, March 19, 2004

a post from mr juicebox - my one year anniversary with jeremy

St. Patrick's Day is only a couple of days off and it's hard to believe almost a year's gone by since meeting Desirea. Alot's happened. She's gone from waiting tables at Chili's to Gateway's Jr/Sr High Director in training and she's marrying Les Brown in thirtysomething days. For the past three years I've gone with a small crew of Gateway people to the Dog and Duck pub on St. Patty's day, and that's where we happened to meet. She had locked her keys in her car, so I volunteered to give her a ride, and we ended up having plenty of time to talk while we drove all the way up to Round Rock and back down to 17th street.

Now my friends probably don't know this, but I have an anthem for many of them ... some random song that when I hear it reminds me of them. It's their theme song. Kyle's is "They're Coming to Take Me Away, Ha-Haaa!" from some crazy tape he brought to school one day in 9th grade. Rasco's is "Naughty Baby" from Crazy For You. I read somewhere on the web that one of the guys in the Nickel Creek wrote "This Side" after seeing The Matrix, so you can get an idea of where he's going with the story, but it's always reminded me specifically of those situations in our lives where we don't understand why all these things we didn't want are happening to us, and it's really scary. And then one ordinary day, God gives us a little clarity and we get a glimpse of why all that crazy stuff happened, and for a moment, there's peace and we're not so afraid. I think Desirea finally got a taste of that kind clarity this year. And that folks is the short story of how This Side came to be the theme song for Desirea.



clarity, what i wouldn't kill for a little more of that. and the sleeplessness continues.... i just keep fighting. i wish i could just let go. i really don't like myself right now. i just can't seem to shake that self hate thing. what do i keep holding onto? why am i so terrified to let it go?

Thursday, March 18, 2004

the lump, the invitations, and the most amazing man in the world

i'm still having trouble sleeping. for example it's 1 am and i'm up blogging instead of fast asleep in my comfy bed. i'm scared to dream so i fight it. run run run little one.... last night as i was laying bed trying to fall asleep and i felt the lump. it's unfortunately getting bigger and gross icy fear prolonged my visit to dreamland. i'm so good at avoiding my problems. there's a long list of things that i know i need to do because they would be really good for me but somehow they always take last priority and never get done. maybe now i'll finally make that doctors appointment. blah!

maybe i should call it lump number two but it's also a phone call and a office visit away from being taken care of. i'm trying really hard to try to work through things and it would be much easier if i went to go see a counselor who could help me through my journey. there's one thing that is a huge flashing neon sign that i need to really start working on and in fact les needs to work on it with me but i haven't done it yet. the sex thing is not going to be good if i keep putting it off. i'm scared. i don't know why it seems so much more scary having sex and being married. i don't get it.

it's really amazing how God is using les to help heal some of my wounds. nobody has ever treated me the way that he treats me. i know he loves me not just because he says it but because of his actions. it's even hard to take at times because it's so foreign to me. i really have lived most of my life in fear. i still do but that fear will slowly subside as les keeps showing me how it should be and how it should have always been. he truly is amazing and i am so incredibily blessed to have him in my life. we are trying out a new couples small group and tonight was the first night. i think the group is going to be a lot of fun. les isn't quite sold on it yet but i think even he will be surprised. i sat there tonight so in awe of the man i'm about to marry. he is so in love with God and he so captivates the attention of a group. he doesn't have to do anything to try to wim over a group he wins them over with his sincerity. he blows me away. did i ever mention that he's a rock star too? no wonder why i freak out. i have never felt this way about anyone. the thought of living life without him is one of the saddest thoughts ever. i could make it without him but i don't want to.

oh got the invitations in today. goodness this wedding is getting more and more real everyday. my life is fixing to take a major change in less than 6 weeks. i am going to be living with my husband in less than 6 weeks. les brown is going to be my husband. i can't wait going home sucks!

Wednesday, March 17, 2004

so people read my blog afterall

i'm a little shocked but wow people read this. i'm not quite sure why. maybe it's for the same reason why people like to watch those funiest home video shows where you watch people hurt themselves. it's almost like a guilty pleasure. you know it's almost sadistic to laugh at people getting hurt but you just can't help it. there's definately nothing to laugh about in this blog. especially lately. les told me that he looks up his blog on google to see what comes up. he mentioned that when he did a search my blog came up too. i of course had to try it and never got my website. then i looked up my blog and goodness someone thought my blog was note worthy.

Scanning through blogger.com I looked at the top ten blogs of the day and I came across the blog of a young girl. A girl seeming to be in the depths of her worries. She seemed insecure and so lost in herself, not being able to find a way out. I encourage this blog, in order for others to see the other side of the fence and for some, the grass isn't always greener on the other side

it's not exactly a good review but heck it could be a lot worse. i took a quick glimpse of what i have been writing and most of it is not about great triumphs for feats. as a non-believer i'd probably be even more convinced of why i shouldn't be a christian. the thing is i am going thorugh a really crappy time right now. it's hard and it sucks. it sucks bad! but in all reality i have a choice. i can go through this pain and work through this junk or i can ignore it and continue to live life as if nothing is wrong and i can turn out to be like the rest of my family. they are just going to repaet the same cycles over and over again. i don't want my past and my childhood to have anymore control over me. i want to be freed from the bondage and i want to be all who God created me to be. even in the midst of this storm my life is so much better now that i have God in it. even in the midst of this storm there are points when i feel joy that is unspeakable. i don't write about that enough. it's just so much easier to focus on what is bothering me than for rejoicing about the moments of clarity and the moments of intense peace and joy that i feel. once i'm through all of this things are going to be so much better. life will never be easy necessarily but in a lot of ways it's going to be so much better. the human condition is rough so i'll always struggle to some degree but i have my awesome creator my glorious God right beside me every step of the way. right now i may be suffering, i may be saddened, heck it's safe to say i'm depressed, at times i feel so alone but there's one thing i have that i never had before. i don't feel empty. i don't feel like i'm wondering this earth with no purpose or no direction. even what i'm going through right now has a purpose and God will be given glory for even this.

tick...tick...tick....

i think if i were to be able to fully explain all that goes through my head in one day i would be locked up and labeled insane. there are definate times when i feel like i'm teetering on sanity. when is the full on melt down going to occur. i was almost certain that it was going to happen today.

all i need is God. how many times will i wrestle with this one? all i truly need is God but God works through people. i don't know if i can handle anyone else being mad or upset at me. i really don't know what to do. here begins the cycle.... i don't know how to ask people for help, i don't trust people to help, i don't want to be a burden on people..... i need to deal with the core or the root of this issue, growing up i didn't feel like i had anybody i could rely on ohter than myself..... i'm too scared to fully face and attack this issue without somebody being there.... i'm afraid toreally let anyone in because i'm afraid that i'll be a burden or once they really get to know me they wont like me anymore.....since i'm afraid to face the issue i don't and i'm only able to scratch the surface and feel gross.... i feel gross so i push people even further away because this is what i do...i push people further away because of my brokenness that i'm afraid to face alone.... i still feel gross and even grosser so i get wrapped up in the disease of busyness because i'm afraid to be alone because if i'm alone i have to face my lonliness and my hurts.... i can;t sleep and i'm so stinking busy that i have time for nothing and it only pushes people further away...i beat myself up because i know that i need to let people help me but i don't know how to... there is no peace..here enters attack from other places.....YOU SUCK YOU'RE A BURDEN YOU'RE UGLY INSIDE AND OUT YOU'RE A FAILURE YOU'LL NEVER AMOUNT TO ANYTHING YOU ARE WEAK AND WILL ALWAYS BE WEAK YOU SUCK YOU'RE A BURDEN YOU SUCK YOU'RE A BURDEN... it doesn't stop and those times are the worst...then i beat myself up because i feel like i'm making no progress. did i mention that i feel there is a presence in my apartment that is robbing me of even more peace? i sound like a completely insane person.

ahh enter the wedding.... i'm avoiding the wedding stuff because my mom is making it miserable for me...i want to please everyone and i can't so i'd rather run and not deal with it.... until i fully deal with the issues i have with my mom i have no idea how to set healthy boundaries... i say i don't care what she thinks or my family thinks but i so desperately do... the wedding reminds me of the lose that i feel. i never experienced what it was like to have a father growing up. i don't know what it feels like to be a daddy's girl. i don't even know what it is like to have a daddy. i know what it's like to have a father who doesn't want to have anything to do with me and i know what it is like to have an abusive stepfatehr who constantly reminded me how much i sucked and how i would never measure up to his kids. i have no idea what it's like to have a healthy and supportive mom. i don't know what a healthy mother daughter relationship looks like. the worst part about it is that now i've become defensive. i don't want her to hurt me anymore so unfortunately i'm becoming like her. i don't try to be passive agressive but i throw the i don't give a crap this is the way it's going to be attitude. i do care though. i hate it that i[m acting that way. it definately doesn't show God's character to my family and i hate that i'm acting like her. i don't want to be like her. i don't want to be unhealthy. i know i am but i don't want to stay that way. the unhealthy part of me wants to run like heck from les. the sense of loss hurts and i don't want to allow anyone to hurt me like that again. if my mom and my dad both didn't care for me why should this guy who doesn't even have to love me, love me and want to still be with me once her gets to know me. all the people who really knew me aren't there for me so why would he be any different?

youth ministry... i'm still terrfifed to fall....i've fallen into the numbers trap...or should i say the performance trap...i've sprinted towards the finish line and it's a battle i wont win... my fear of failure, my need to please people and other such things have already started to reak havoc in the ministry that God has given me. i feel like a failure and a complete waste. i feel shameful that i've allowed my baggage affect my ministry. it's not really my ministry anyway. oh yeah and my messiah complex is working overtime. it's draining to try to be the messiah especailly when it never was supposed to be my job to begin with.

the truths that i know and must continue to remind myself of:

God has created me for good works and has plans for me to prosper not to perish

God who created me is continuing to change me to be the person he created me to be

no weapon formed against me will prosper / spirtiual warfare or not i'm on the winning team and God will continue to sustain me

in my weakness God is trong

part of my purpose is to marry les brown i know this in the very fiber of my being. God created us to be a powerhouse together.

God has called me into ministry. i was supposed to get the job at gateway and God will equip me to do the job he wants me to do

God's timing is perfect and even though it seems like there is no possible way all this junk could be happening and it is God's will, i know there is a reason for it



even now i know there is a reason for it all. the wedding, the new job, the grieving... les has been talking about him feeling something big coming on the horizon.. i've been in the midst of a deep valley and could see or feel nothing of the sort. just for a moment i felt it too...

NO JOB IS TOO BIG FOR GOD.

LORD I FEEL LIKE THE BIGGEST STRESS BALL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH. THE JOB YOU HAVE GIVEN ME SEEMS ENORMOUS! THANK YOU FOR GIVING ME THIS OPPORETUNITY TO SERVE YOU IN THIS WAY. I PRAY THAT YOU CONTINUE TO SUSTAIN ME AND TO GIVE ME YOUR VISION. GIVE ME THE FAITH I NEED TO LET GO OF MY FEARS AND TO FOLLOW YOU FEARLESSLY. LORD THIS JOB IS SO MUCH BIGGER THAN ME AND I FEAR FAILURE. HELP KEEP MY MOTIVES PURE LORD. HELP ME TO KEEP MY HEART IN CHECK. HELP ME TO HEAL LORD AND HELP TEACH ME HOW TO LET PEOPLE HELP ME AND TO MINISTER TO ME. I'M TIRED OF RUNNING AWAY BUT I DON'T KNOW HOW TO STOP EITHER. LORD I PRAY THAT YOU CONTINUE TO SHOW ME AREAS IN MY LIFE THAT I NEED TO CHANGE. I PRAY THAT YOU GIVE ME THE COURAGE TO DO THE TWELVE STEPS. HELP REFINE ME LORD AND PLEASE ALWAYS KEEP ME HUMBLE. HELP ME TO NEVER TAKE CREDIT FOR THE THINGS THAT YOU DO. ALL GOOD THINGS COME FROM YOU LORD. HELP ME TO NEVER FORGET THAT. HELP ME TO NEVER FORGET THE WONDERFUL THINGS THAT YOU HAVE DONE FOR ME AND CONTINUE TO DO FOR ME. THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR SUSTAINING ME LORD. THANKS FOR PICKING ME UP AND CARRYING ME AND THANKS FOR NEVER LEAVING ME EVEN WHEN I'VE BEEN CRAWLING. HELP ME TO BE BOLD AND FEARLESS. HELP HEAL MY BROKENNESS LORD. PLEASE PREPARE LES AND I FOR A MARRAIGE TOGETHER. HELP US TO LOVE EACH OTHER THE WAY THAT YOU WANT US TO. HELP US TO BE PATIENT WITH EACHO THER, HELP US TO CARRY EACH OTHERS BURDENS TO REJOYCE WITH EACHO THER AND TO WEEP WITH EACH OTHER. HELP PREPARE US FOR WHATEVER YOU HAVE IN STORE FOR US. LORD I PRAY THAT YOU ALWAYS HELP US TO BE NEAR TO YOUR HEART. I LOVE YOU LORD. PLEASE FORGIVE ME OF ALL MY SHORT COMINGS AND FOR NOT DOING THE THINGS THAT I SHOULD HAVE DONE. PLEASE HELP ME TO GET ORGANIZED AND TO LET GO OF MY SPIRIT OF PROCRASTINATION. PLEASE HELP ME TO SHEPPARD THE LEADERS YOU HAVE GIVEN ME AND PLEASE BRING ME MORE LEADERS. LEADERS THAT ARE FILLED WITH YOUR SPIRIT AND ARE IN LOVE WITH YOUR CHILDREN. THANK YOU FATHER FOR LISTENING. I PRAY THAT ONLY YOUR WILL BE DONE.

Friday, March 12, 2004

one of those weeks

it's funny how you can come down from a spiritual high so easily. i'm still on like donkey kong with God but my desire to dream big is already slowly diminishing. it seems like some weeks it really does seem to pour. in ministry and i guess life in general i struggle with the messiah complex. i want to save everyone. when i see others hurting and in pain i hurt and am in pain with them. i've just so happened to see lots of pain this week. i know this is ridiculous but right now it seems like everyone of my kids are struggling this week. it's absolutely insane how fragile the human condition can be. if we aren't hurting ourselves it seems like we are busy hurting each other. if only we could see past our own pain and stop and deal within instead of shoving it down and passing it from generation to generation. where are my spirit filled kids at? where are my students on fire for God? right now they are lost, alone and hurting. i know the gruesome reality of that state. i don't want my students to have to live through that. i don't want my non-believer friends to go through that. i need to learn that my place is to listen and to pray. i can't take their pain away and i can't keep them from making stupid mistakes. oh how i wish i could. i had to go down my trecherous valley. the healing process is much easier when you can already see how God has used your hurting and pain to all His glory. i have only begun to see how God will use my pain and my story to all of His Glory. i wouldn't be having "one of those weeks" if i hadn't gone through all i had. God is good. i just need to learn how to step aside and let God do the work.

and the rains continue....

i remember there was a time when i thought if i could only just cry and get it out. now all do is seem to cry. i go through phases and normally it hits on a weekend. i was thinking of how funny that was. then it dawned on me how it makes perfect sense. i've been trying to figure out how the timing of a new job in ministry, an almost marraige and setting myself free of childhood baggage could possibly be right. somehow it has managed to work out fine. the crap that i carry from my past affects my ministry and my relationship with les so i need to go through it and it needs to get done. i just couldn't understand how it could be appropriate for me to have a job in ministry now while i'm trying to trugde through all this. how can i be affective when i feel drained? it's teaching me to totally trust God for absolutely eveything. i have to trust God that he will give me the strength and the courage to keep pushing forward. i want to run like heck but i'm reminded that i have no other choice but to keep going forward. my junk no longer just affects me, it affects les and it affects the people i'm supposed to minister to. plus i i don't want to repeat the same cycles that have been passed down from generation to generation in my family. they are all so unhealthy and i refuse to be like that. i wont be like that any longer. i'm finally willing to face the gross and the nasty so it will no longer have power over me. why does the grieving always seem to fall on the weekend? because i don't have to be in the office and it's okay if i weep and wail. then when sunday rolls around and i have nothing to give i have to totally rely on God to get me through two student services. the bible says when we are weakest He is strong and it's so true. on those sundays when i've cried my eyes out and there is nothing in me that can possibly give a lesson i have to completely surrender and give it to God and rely on him to get me through the day. He has showed up every single time and those Sundays have been the absolute best because it's not my words at all they are all His. there are no if's ands or buts God is amazing!
i went to chicago for a conference a couple weekends ago and it was amazing. i got four whole days to reconnect with God in a powerful way. i had no clue how depleted i was. i was totally relying on myself to do ministry instead of relying on God. i just had to trudge through a list of to do's before i could possibly think about spending time with God. it's so crazy how you can put God so far behind even doing ministry which is supposed to be for God. i was sinking but God drew me back in. i think the most valueable thing i learned was that i need to pace myself and the most important thing for me to focus on for this year is my spiritual growth. everything else flows out of that. it's crazy now that i've put God back in the center my love for les has even grown. kenny had mentioned that about how his relationship with God affects how he treats his wife suzie. it's God who allows us to love selflessly. les and i have a lot to work on just from junk that we carry with us but it's exciting that we get to do it together and even how good as it is now it's going to get even better someday. we have stuff we need to definately work on and it probably will be very tough at times but we have each other and most importantly we have God to help guide us through it all.
i got to see my muffit today. i miss her something fierce. she mentioned today that since i quite something has just been different and it's almost like she's lost some joy. what hasn't been in presence lately has been God. as imperfect as i am God radiates from me. it's His Spirit living in me that makes me so attractive to be around. i've never been short on friends and people generally have always liked to be around me but it's really different now. non-beleivers flock to me. they absolutely love being around me. heather has mentioned this about herself as well. it sounds concieted but it's not me that so attractive it's who is living in me. i was always popular at chili's but now every single time i work people always say i'm so glad you're here i love working with you. it's all God! that's really cool for me to see how God has changed me and how the more and more i seek him the more his character will show through me. it's so stinkin awesome!
another thing that was pretty cool this week was working at chili's and i was talking to melissa about wedding stuff and how i started balling when les and i met with gary to discuss our wedding ceremony and who was waking me down the aisle. i guess i started talking about God and she said i think it;'s really cool how you always talk about God and bring him into everything. it's cool to see how far i've come but it's also really neat to know that i'm able to witness by just taking about my daily life. i don't even have to shove church down anyone's throat God just comes out.
goodness i'm getting sleepy and i haven't even really discussed al the stuff i;ve been discovering. i'll just make it short and elaborate later. this week i realized that i'm such a people pleaser. i kinda knew that before but i didn't realize that i was to this extend and i totally realized this week how it has creeped into my job and my relationship with les. i've known it in the past but now i can see how it's manifested itself. that's where the true learning begins. i've discovered another branch. i can't wait till i finally get to kill most of the roots!! i have a long painful road ahead of me but it's so going to be worth it!!