Friday, April 23, 2004

going to the chapel...

i can't believe it's finally here! today at 7:30 i get to marry the most amazing man i've ever met. these last couple days have been amazing. it's hard to believe all this craziness is happening for les and i. it's like walking around in a dream. last night at the rehearsal all i could keep saying is that this is so weird. exciting and good weird but it was hard to grasp that the rehearsal dinner was for me.

last night at the rehearsal everyone pray for us and it was incredible. les started praying and got choked up. nobody has ever cared about me as much as les does. of course i started bawling. there's no way i'm going to make it through today without crying. it's okay because it's happy tears. i can't believe how incredibly blessed i am!! i can't beleive i was created to marry les brwon!

i know the last six months i've been wailing and moaning about how hard things have been, how hard growing is. i'm so glad that i went through all that so i can just totally be freed up to enjoy today and the months to come. i'm glad i don't have to struggle with this through the beginning of our marraige. i'm so excited i can hardly contain myself!

my last night as a single gal was nothing like i would have expected it to be a couple years ago. cheryl stayed the night and dawn came over for alittle while. i'm sad that last night was the last night i'll be heather hadju roommate. i'm so going to miss her. i am so blessed. the coolest thing this morning was waking up and seeing this amazing young girl next to me. i am so blessed to be apart of cheryl's life. my job is incredible. my husband is the most amazing man in the world. i have incredible friends. i am so overwhelmed by God's many blessings.

in ten hours i will no longer be Desirea Theresa Salazar. Hello Mrs. Brown!! I can't wait!

Thursday, April 22, 2004

last late night blog?

well the wedding is almost here. i wish it would just get here already. the anxiety is starting to drive me crazy. i feel calm for the most part well what i mean by that is i'm not freaking out. i'm so on edge i think i'm going to grind my teeth into little nubs. poor sweet les brown. i've been a pissy brat the last couple weeks and it's only getting worse as the wedding gets closer. it's seems like the pissier i get the more helpful and sweeter he gets. i am so not used to that and i'm not even sure what to do with it.
i'm mad at him. i'm mad at les brown for being so sweet. for making me fall in love with him. for him taking me away from my singleness. i'm mad at him for forcing me to come out of my comfort zone. i'm mad at him for being so amazing that i so close to finally letting go and giving him my everything. i'm so scared to do that. i'm so scared i'm going to be dropped on my face.
where's my dad going to be on friday? where's my best friend brett going to be? not here not in austin.
i'm going to have a family on friday. i don't know what to do with family. i don't know how to act. i don't know how to behave. am i going to be the wife that les deserves? is his apartment going to start feeling like our apartment? how are we going to change? are we going to make time for each other? is he always going to feel the same about me? am i going to feel like i'm intruding in on his life? am i going to feel like he's intruding in on mine? how am i going to change? is this the last time i'll be able to sit alone and ramble on and on? this helps me so much.

les read a part of "utmost for the highest" tonight. basically it said if we make our number one priority our relationship with God then he helps take the burden off of everything else. our relationship with him should come before serving him. in essense when we put the relationship first he does all the work and frees us up to be with him even more. all God really wants from me is for me to have a close fellowship with him. i've pushed him so far away. i've been afraid of God. i'm afraid he's going to drop me. why do we fear hurt so much? i'l do anything i need to to avoid emotional pain. why? why is it so scary? why am i so afraid of people? time sweet precious time. GOD HELP ME TO TRUST YOU. DRAW ME NEAR TO YOU OH LORD.

Tuesday, April 20, 2004

staff surprise

it's tuesday morning and as usual there was another staff meeting. only this time it was slightly different. the rest of the staff got breakfast set up some candles and flowers in the auditorium for les and i. the staff prayer for us and told us what they thought was awesome about our relationship. everybody is so excited for us. it's so reaffirming.
it finally sunk in that i need to trust. i know with all my heart that les and i getting togheter was t total God thing. the past six months i've been worried about everything beyond the sun. afraid he's going to grow horns after we're hitched or i'm not going to be a good wife or it's juts going to be too stinkin hard. i've had no reason to justify feeling this way other than the fact that i've been dropped by everyone that i have trusted growing up. i know that this relationship is a gift from God but i haven't been resting assured in that fact. i still have a hard time trusting that God wants good things for me.
it's awesome that i finally got it this morning. this relationship is in God's plan for les and i and i have not a thing to fear. i was finally able to let go today and it feels amazing! the feeling of fear and horror is gone just like that and i'm let with nothing but joy, excitement and a little bit of nervousness. there's no point in me coming into work tomorrow because i'm not going to be able to get a thing done. i am so incredibly blessed. God is so good. so good that he would be patient with me as i push him away. that he would be patient with me not trusting him. that he would lead me to understanding that i can trust him. my God is so amazing!!! les is so amazing!! i'm getting married on friday and i can hardly contain myself.
this week has been great! i've reconnected with heather which is the best thing in the world. we went out saturday night and kicked it like rock stars. i haven't had that much fun in a long time. just me and heather. i am so blessed to have her in my life. i'm fixin to go eat lunch with ian. it's going to be so great getting caught up with him. God is so healing me and he's helping me to do this with les. i am so overwhelmed! MY JOY IS BACK!!!!!! I'VE BEEN SO DESPERATELY LOOKING FOR IT! I COULD GET UP AND DANCE AND SQUEEL RIGHT NOW!

Thursday, April 15, 2004

motivation for needing forgiveness

learned an interesting thing today. i really need to check my motivation for wanting and asking for forgiveness. if i appologize because what i've done made me feel like an awful horrible person is that really an apology. not really. it's very self centered and self serving. i've been really self centered lately. this really sucks becuase this is the last thing i want to be but it's true. little by little i'm totally understanding the whole self worth thing. when i screw up either with God or another person what is my motives for feeling guilty. do i feel bad because what i've done makes me feel like an awful horrible person or because of how i've made the other person feel. one is very self centered and one is not. apologizing just to make yourself feel better. GROSS.
that's all i've been doing lately though. i've been beating myself up feeling like the scum of the earth for just about everything and i've been apologizing my head off but it's been because i feel like worthless scum not because i have really sat to think about how i;'ve made the other person feel and felt sorry about that. i'm sorry i've been a bad friend, i'm sorry i've been a bad girlfriend blah blah blah it's all been about me. GROSS!!!!!
this is pretty huge for me. i've been wallering around in feeling like worthless scum and that is so not right. it's dishonoring to God and it's self serving. i'm not a bad horrible person. i'm a human and i do dumb stupid things that hurt people. i hate hurting people but as much as i hate it, it's just a part of life. it's finally starting to sink in. i don't know how and it doesn't make much sense why i'm finally starting to get it but i finally am. GOD IS GOOD! i'm a child of God and he loves me and i am holy and blameless and free. i'll make stupid mistakes along the way but that will never change how he feels about me. making a mistake doesn't have anything to do with the person that i am or the value and worth i have. making a mistake means just that i've made a mistake. it's not the end of the world. GOD IS SO STINKIN GOOD! i can't do ministry with all that old junk and without knowing and receiving my value from God. so not only does God get to help me not be a screwed up person who is self serving he is also getting me where he can do awesome ministry through me. how blessed am i that God would consider me worthy of being able to see my faults. it would totally suck to go through life thinking i was perfectly fine and end up hurting people left and right.

a bowl of fudgy goodness

i'm cramping and i don't think i've ever been this bloated in my life but life is all good with a huge bowl of ice cream with an extra helping of hot fudge. i think i say the same thing every month. it's great being a chick.

only eight more days till the wedding. i've been preparing by stuffing my face full of cheeseburgers and chocolate. i understand the chocolate thing but i swear nothing would make me happier right now then eating a cheeseburger for every meal. i hardly ever eat hamburgers but not i feel like the biggest carnivore ever. i can't figure out what nutrient my body is lacking, protien, dairy or maybe both. either way tomorrow starts the week before the wedding crash diet. i swear i've gained five pounds this week. so much for that two piece i brought last week. what the heck was i thinking, hopefully no one will harpon me next week.

so i feel like i'm in a spiritual rut. i really think it's the fear of God leaving me but come on can i please get over it now? where's the passion and the fire? i guess i should be rejoicing because God has been doing some pretty amazing healing and growth in me the last several months. i'm so impatient! i'm ready to be ignited into a huge fire ball. i almost feel like i'm on the verge of it. ssshhhh... it's coming.

i was on my car s\driving to les' after church and "soul to squeeze" by the chili peppers was on. isn't it funny how a certain song can take you back? that particular sond takes me back to the lonely desperation of my teen years. so much damaged accured to me when i was a teen. damaged that was impossed upon me and damage i did to myself. i still suffer the consequences of both. actually it's more like i'm still being controlled by my past. it has hindered my relationships with people and my ministry. God has been really showing me things that i need to change. i think i'm starting to hit the turning point where i can finally use the pain from my past to really reach teens and to really bring God's glory to gross and hideous past. i think that is where this feeling of being on the verge is coming from. i know i still have a long and painful road ahead of me but i feel God is getting me to the point when i can work on stuff and finally start moving forward. maybe it only feels this way because i really am on the verge of something the verge of getting married.

i don't feel like i'm on the verge of getting married. in fact i feel calmer then i have in a long time about the whole thing. i feel like when i talk about it with people "yep the wedding is next friday" that i'm talking about something as simple as taking a trip to target. "yep the plan is to go to target the best store in the world on friday." i'm afraid it's finally going to hit me friday night when i'm walking down the isle and i pass out. who cares if i pass out i'm so going to be bawling anyway. gary wanted les and i to write a couple things that described why we thought how God put each of us togehter was so awesome. as i was emailing my list to gary i started bawling. i am so blessed to be marrying les. he is more than i could have ever dreamed of.

then a couple hours latter all that was pushed aside when i met with wes hager the guy who is going to be the new worship leader for jr high. i don't think i've mentioned this story before but it's pretty cool. i had this feeling that aaron was fixing to bow out of crossroads and i really want to start a saturday night service for crossroads so i asked j.j. for some names of people who could be potiential worship leaders for our youth. he talked about this guy who would be just perfect for the job. so i called him. i got his voice mail and from his message i knew he was perfect for the job. he never called me back and i got a message from aaron saying that he was going to bow out by the end of the month. at the time i got the email i was pretty wrapped up in trying to get wedding stuff squared away. i almost started to freak but i took a deep breath and said this is somethingGod is totally going to have to take care of and took a nap. an hour latter io get a call from j.j. telling me that wes said he had prayed about the crossroads thing and wanted to do it. i called him and finally got in touch with him and he's a total nut. his energy is going to be perfect back there. i really couldn't wait to meet him so i could put a face to the personality.

it really sucks but i was instantly attracted to the guy. i can look at people and think that they are good looking or not. i can think a person is hot without being attracted to them. it doesn't happen very often to be really attracted to someone, at least for me. the guy is a total goof, he's good looking, twenty six and we cliched instantly. during the interview i swear i was screaming is this some kind of sick joke God!? satan can be a real jerkface sometimes. wes is absolutely perfect for the job. he's fired up about teaming up with me to really get crossroads rockin. he's got such an amazing energy that is totally going to set things on fire back in crossroads. he's a missing piece to the puzzle. it's so obvious this is a God thing. i really feel this is where God is going to grow Wes to preapre him for fulltime ministry. i hope the next time i see him the attraction is gone.

i think a lot of it has to do with my first bout of cold feet. the thought "is les brown the guy i'm really supposed to marry?" crossed through my head. once i started thinking clearly there is no doubt in my mind. i could totally marry a guy like wes and i bet i would be happy and it would be great BUT.. it definately wouldn't be as great as the something i'm going to have with les. God created each of us with the purpose of being with each other. i know with every ounce of my being that les brwon is the man i'm supposed to marry and there is nobody else i would rather be with. i even doubt there is a God sometimes and wonder if i'm deluding myself with all of this sometimes. yet i know with every ounce of my being that there is a God. it's just one of those things.

it is so great to just know that les is the one. i always struggled with wondering how you knew the person you were with was the person you were supposed to marry. i really struggled with this one when i was with brett. brett's an absolutely amazing guy and he treated me so incredibly well. that's why i struggled with it so much. i used to always say well i guess if i have to ask how do you know it's the right person then it must not be. when it's the right one you'll just know. it sounded so story book or hollywood. little did i know that's exactly what happens. it feels as weird as it sounds.

Tuesday, April 13, 2004

fear of confrontation

well now i've done it. i've up and pissed heather off and rightfully so. i had a sleepover for jr and sr high girls and some of the hooligans trashed her stuff not to mention the fact that i melted her dvd player. this weekend i was the roommate from hell. she called last night wanting me to come home early so we could talk about it. i got the message tonight and instead of coming home early i tried to convince myself that writing thank you notes and watching les make a packet for out of town guests for our wedding was at utmost importance. i'm a BIG FAT CHICKEN. confrontation terrifies the crap out of me! i would rather shove bambo shoots up my own finger nails then disappoint someone or piss then off. i'd rather let a great freindship go down the crapper then to wake up and face the music. this fear wells up from the very fiber of my being. i think i've finally figured it out. i have a crazy insano fear of abandonment. i've been totally struggling with this lately. somewhere deep down inside i'm terrified that everyone will one day abandon me. in my case it's self fulfilling prophesy. i totally push people away and they finally give up and BOOM see they abandoned me and i must be a horrible person. why do i do such crazy things to myself. i'm even terrified that God will abandon me. i can't sit still and just be with him because i'm afraid he'll tell me how much he loves me and then split. this makes no sense. with heather i want to avoid confrontation because deep down inside i'm afraid that because she's pissed at me she want want to be my friend anymore. i'd rather be the first to leave then get left. the truth is that i'm going to piss people off that i love and that love me. this just happens. in my head i think i must please people in order for them to stick around and love me. it was like that growing up for me so why would it be any different now? it will be different and i'll start to be different. confrontation will never be pleasant but it doesn't have to be the end of the world to me anymore. God has to change that though, I sure can't. how did i even go through life not knowing i had all this junk surrounding me? oh yeah i really kinda sucked at it.

Friday, April 09, 2004

gobble dee goop

i learned an interesting lesson today, one that i have learned time and time again. no matter how much we plan when it comes down to it nothing is ever truly in our control. malford milligan went to the hospital today. all that planning and preparation not to mention advertising for a blow out easter sunday and it all seemed to come crashing down after one simple phone call. it's so easy to get caught up in the flash and glamour of programming. none of it is bad per say but is that what we should really be relying on? is it the programming of the service or God that hooks people. if anything it's God using people creative ability at programming to attract people, it's never the program itself. God could use a simple brown paper bag to bring a ton of people to him all we have to do is have faith.

it's so easy to try to somehow fit everything in a formula that involves us. it's hard to accept salvation at face value. the bible says i'm holy blameless and free. this isn't conditional either. if i'm following God's law to a tee or if i'm sliding back into the deep end i'm still holy blameless and free in the eyes of God. that's not enough for me. ican't possibly believe that icould be pleasing to God unless i perform or do something to earn it. in order to make myself feel better i have to somehow include myself. it's not about me and it never was. i was created for the sole purpose of pleasing God. i'm sitting here blogging away instead of being still or diving into the word or even getting some much needed rest. i'm still pleasing to God. it's never been about what i can do it's about what God can do through me. it's at times like this when i feel that i'm the verge of finally getting it but the picutre is too huge for me to possibly grasp.

all good things come from God. anything good that comes from me is from God. what's free will? it's the ability to wrestle and grapple with God. it's the ability to keep myself from surrendering. or is free will the ability to choose to do something i know is not right eventhough God has empowered me to do what is good and right? okay so alone without God i am nothing but a heaping pile of gross awful sin. because i am human without God's help i am a complete and utter slave to sin. the part of me that wrestles with letting go and allowing God to totally take control is my sinful nature. when i beat myself up because i know i should let go and can't on my own is my sinful nature. so then if i'm a slave then free will isn't possible. free will happens when God has grown us to the point of being able to walk away from situation that we know are wrong and when we choose to do them anyway. God will always show us a way out if we are willing to listen and obey. so all the good works and all the things that i've done that God has been able to use for his glory is because of him.

so God has entrusted gateways youth group to my leadership. it's an ncredible honor and priviledge and i have no idea what i'm doing. nothing i do can result in good because all good things come from God so i need to shut-up and listen. how do i learn to do that. its's not what i can do or what i can plan. if it fails there's a complete reason for it. i'll only be a big time failure at this job if i keep going the way i'm going. if i keep trying to run this youth group by my will and by my power i'll fail. if i learn to be quite and listen i wont. at whose satndards am i trying not to fail at. what if to God a successful year of youth ministry at crossroads would be bringing only little johnny to him. what if the numbers stayed the same and it was basically the same other than that? i would have failed by other people's standards but i wouldn't have failed by God's. wow learning to trust so that i am successful according to God's standards and not to the worlds. how do i learn not to base my self worth from the worlds standard of who i should be? i want to get there but can i do it when i know my sinful nature wants to drive me insane? once again i go back to can i do it? it all circles back around to me wanting to bring myself into it. i can't do it but God can.

it's time to become a disciple. how to stay focused on this without getting side tracked? i have no idea. God please help me to focus. help keep me strong. send out your army before me.

Thursday, April 08, 2004

Ramblings at 3 A.M.

when i'm married when am i going to have time to blog? when i'm having a freak out crisis am i going to be able to hold up a sign that says i need a time out i must get rid of these thoughts in my head before i explode? does les secretly read this? does he have any idea how much i blog sometimes and that it's the cheapest therapy a girl could ever have? am i going to be able to sneak out of bed at 2 A.M. when my mind wont shut off? i wonder if i'll still be this big of a headcase once i get married? i'm sure some of my insecurities will be quieted but will it all go away. i think not. i have too much junk to work through and too much stuff to try and figure out. i never used to freak out like this but yet at the same time i was never brave enough to look anything in the face. i was always too busy running away to have time to freak out.

today i'm pissed that brett isn't coming to the wedding. seriously i can't believe he's being this much of a wanker. whatever! it's his loss. i wish i could believe that.

i've been pretty calm and collected about the wedding lately, well as calm and collected as i can be... that was until tonight. i guess i'm still okay i just don't want to have to deal with any drama that could potientially happen that day. after being outside today for most of the afternoon taking engagement pictures i'm really sad that we're not having an outdoor wedding. we're getting married at gateway and are having our reception in the dark pit of a dungeon "social hall." the ceremony will be great it's just not where i want it to be. i was never a gal who wore a pillow case over her head in anticipation of her wedding day someday or ever had it all planned out to a tee but i always pictured it outside. outside on a beach...

les's family is so proper. his mom is straight out of the pages of a southern living magazine. well not exactly but definately very traditional. she is such a sweet lady and i love her to death but i'm so not proper and so not traditional. i always want to buck the system. maybe it's because i love shock value but i;ve never been one who delighted in following the rules. i always enjoyed breaking them. i guess this is where i'll have to learn to compromise.

16 days left of my singleness...or should i say 16 days left till i'm mrs. brown. desirea brown it sounds so weird.. there is something in me that keeps saying that is not MY name. it's that overly independent me. the one that is afraid to trust anyone or allow anyone to help her. i'm about ready to kill that person.

i'm trying to figure out why at times i'm really repulsed when i'm around les and some of his friends. i really like all his friends but sometimes it's a little too much. i don't quite understand it. i've always been a tomboy. i've always been that solo girl with a huge group of guys. i've always been that girl invited to come over and watch the game or hang out with the guys. maybe it's because les chooses not to include me in that and that has never happen ed to me before, because i've always been one of the guys. or maybe it's because it;s because les is one of those guys who is a man's man. if that makes any sense. that's not necessarily a bad thing. but it's not always a good thing either. adam was totally a mans kinda man and it was not a good thing. maybe i'm extra sensitive to that now and when there is a ton of testosterone in the air it reminds me of that. i know when i hear any sort of period and pms comments and any sort of the women belongs in the kitchen jokes come from les i want to vomit. after adam none of that is funny in the least bit. it only divides men and women anyway. satan has a field day with cracks like that.

i guess there's a part of me that still fears that once i marry les he's ging to turn into dr. jeckle. i think it's because i look back on my relationship with adam and i think what the F-BOMB was i thinking? i was a doormat with a capital "D". i really need to be more realistic about this though. it's not like adam was a nice guy before we got together and then slowly turned into a jerkface. adam was an ass to begin with. to give the guy some slack i know he doesn't mean to be an ass, i honestly think if he could see himself through somebodys elses eyes he would be appauled. he really did think he took good care of me. what a bonehead! poor poor lauren...
i knew adam was a jerk from the get go and i knew we weren't cut out for each other from the get go but i wanted love from my stepdad and my mommy so bad i thought i stick with adam so i could get all that. plus as crappy as he treated me it was totally comfortable. i've been all about dysfunction junction and it sure is comfortable to me even though it's miserable. there has been nothing comfortable about les and i. it has been ackward, strange and many times down right uncomfortable but it's getting a lot better. the healthier i get the easier it gets. poor bretty he's still on the dysfunction junction. i'm working my off. it's funny how the healthier you become the more you are able to recognize unhealthiness. i can totally see why brett and i dated for so long...we used to be two peas in a pod. not so much anymore and that's because as yucky as it can be i'm facing my junk well at least trying to i'm still doing a bit o running...

i've been running from God a lttle bit. i really haven't sat quite with him in a long time. my heart longs for him and my soul is so thirtsy but i'm scared. it's almost like i'm afraid for him to reveal any more of my dysfunction. i just don't think i can handle learning anything else that is screwed up about me. that's stupid because God laways gently whispers to me and he's never hurtful or condensending. maybe i'm more scared of hearing him say "des you're my child and i love you." i think that's it. it's easier for me to point out my faults or to put myself down then to accept that i'm a child of God and he loves me no matter what. i don't understand why that is so scary to me. it's got to be a trust thing.

one last thing. i've got to stop running away from people. i've been sprinting away from people lately and i have no idea why. i've been running from family and friends i gotta figure out what is going on there. i don't want to be like that anymore but i don't know how to fix it. GOD WILL YOU PLEASE HELP ME FIX IT? HELP ME PLEASE! I'M SUCH A MESS WITHOUT YOU. I'M SORRY IHAVE BEEN RUNNING AWAY. PLEASE HELP ME TO STOP. PLEASE.....

Wednesday, April 07, 2004

last late night with mr. brett hansen....

brett had ben pissing me off something fierce and i had had it. i called him tonight at 12:30 my time and we ended up talking for almost three hours. there's a lot of things that are changing with this wedding and my relationship with brett is one of them. i know we will always be friends but things have to change. he has been my best friend for years. brett knows me better than anyone else has ever known me. i've always had brett. he's always been my brett, my bretty. he's not mine anymore and he shouldn't be. we're both getting married. les needs to be the person i turn to now. les is going to know me as well as brett did, he's going to know me even better. there is no doubt in my mind that les is the man i'm supposed to spend the rest if my life with, not brett but it's still hard letting go. will les still adore me like brett does when he knows everything about me? i know he will but it's scary.
brett's not coming to the wedding. my best friend is not going to be at my wedding. i understand but it still sucks. this will be the last time i stay up late talking to brett for hours on end. i missed my chance this summer to go to oregon solo for the last time. i should have gone to see him graduate. shoulda coulda woulda. all those times when he was in town and i totally didn't drop my schedule to spend more time with him. there is nothing like having history with someone. it's not something that can be earned over night. i wouldn't even say that adam and i have history together. old memories some bad some not so bad but no real true history. not like brett and i. letting go is so hard even when it's the right thing to do...

Thursday, April 01, 2004

i can't stop eating chocolate

everyday is a new and exciting day. i'm still patiently waiting for the break down to hit. right now the panic rises and then slowly falls back down. is it too soon to marry les brown? maybe. in the grand scheme of things i really don't think it will make too big of a difference. if i had more time to work through my junk this whole wedding thing would probably be more enjoyable. right now it just really kinda stinks. i think getting married will actually even help some of the things i'm struggling with. don't get me wrong i don't think getting married is going to solve all my problems and finally make me a whole person but i do think it will have it's perks. if anything i heard having sex can be a huge stress reliever. i'm not scared so much of doing it now. in fact i'm pretty darn fired up about it. only 23 more days left to go! YEEHAW!

through all the almost panic attacks and terror, i've actually been able to grow even closer to les. the last couple weeks have been really awesome. especially this week. we've spent some excellent QUALITY time together. last night he was telling me some struggles that he was dealing with at work and it did wonders for me. i don't want him to have to face problems and i wish life would be easy as pie for him all the time but that's not reality. i feel like i am constantly struggling with everything and it only makes me want to push les further away when i think he's perfect and doesn't struggle with anything. it totally makes me want to open up even more to him.
tonight i finally let him into my fearful little world. i let him know that i'm freaked out and what i'm freaked out about. well, i told him what i was freaking about at the moment there are so many things at play right now it would have taken me all night to get through it. then he told me it scares him when i'm freaked and he knows it even if i tell him or not. he's scared i'm going to change my mind because i don't think it's worth it. we both sat teary eyed and really laid it out there for each other. honestly tonight was the most intimate we've ever been. tonight is probably the most emotionally intimate i've ever been with a guy. God is good!
even though i feel completely emotionally drained and i have no idea what emotion is in store for me minute by minute i feel so incredibly blessed. God is healing me. as insane as i feel right now i'm starting to turn into a new person. i'm working toward being a healthy person. that's pretty crazy especially since i feel likle a complete psycho. must be part of the process.
i am so scared to admit that i need people to help me. i'm so scared to rely on people to help me get through life. little by little God is helping me to let go and helping make l;es and i more like a team. GO TEAM BROWN GO!