Thursday, May 27, 2004

the last few minutes of the day...

i'm starting to understand how marraige can bring you to a better understanding of God and how to grow that relationship. i feel like i've been getting the last few minutes of les's day this week. i work with him, i live with him, i'm married to him. it's not like i don't see him all the time but lately i feel like i've been getting the few minutes that are left over after everything else is done. i know a lot of this has to do with the enormous amounts of baggage i carry around on a daily basis. i feel needy and i feel like i have to be reassured every five seconds. maybe it has to do with sex being thrown into the mix now. i need to know that it's more than that. i know this 100 percent in my head but my heart is nowhere near this. you would think that since i could figure this out cognitively i could get my heart to get caught up. the man asked me to marry him and married me before we ever had sex but that is not what i've been shown by anybody else. so i've gotten on a tangent that i didn't even intend. i didn't even realize i was feeling this way.

my whole point in this is how does God feel when we go through our whole day seeing him but not taking the time to really spend quality time with him until everything else has been done. i don't have time for God i'm too busy. our sole purpose for being created was so God could have an intimate relationship with him. God created me so i would spend time with him. when i think about that it really blows my mind. it makes sense that God would grieve like i do when he only gets the last few minutes of the day. am i going day by day seeing God constantly but only stopping to talkl to him and spend quality time with him when everything else has been done? i hope not.

Monday, May 24, 2004

God's Humor

okay so i've been listening to david crowder while cleaning and i ran across the black journal i used to carry around with me everywhere. the time of my life when i was so filled with God's wonder and awe that i had to write down everything i learned and everything i saw that was from God. i started writing in this journal when i went on a mision trip to philly. by the way there is no way in heck i'm going to cancel the trip to chicago. anyway on june 28th on a plane to philly i wrote this: i'm still a little anxious about where i'm gonna live, work and pay for everything i feel the answer is on the horizon. a little less than a year ago i had no idea i would be sitting in one of les's chairs in our apartment trying to gain the strength not to worry about the stduent ministry job he gave me. God is so much bigger than the box i put him in. why worry? i could never dream up the things he has in store for me. He always takes care of me.

i was so ready to go anywhere back then. if i felt the calling from God boom i would be gone. when did the little details of life get in the way of me following him fearlessly and boldly? now i have to sit and agonize over the little things and over the things i want to be in God's plan.

les isn't sure he wants to do the same job he has right now once our year at gateway is up. i've been worried about that means for my job. how could we work at two different churches? i don't think that's what God had in mind for us. why can't i trust that where ever he leads les he's going to provide opportunities for me as well? God created me to be invovled in the lives of teens hurting and in need of love. i need to trust that where ever les and i live whereever les might be lead he going to give me an outlet to do what i love.

letting go is easier than i thought. it's so important to stay connected with God. how can i let go and trust someone that i don't soend much time with? staying connected is more than just reading a couple chapters for the bible daily, it's more than spending time in prayer. it's stopping to listen. it's talking to him like he's sitting in the same room with you. it's inviting him into every part of your life. it's remembering how much you love him and how incredibly much he loves you.

'I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener. He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful. You are already clean because of the word I have spoken to you. Remain in me, and I will remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me. 'I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing.
John 15:1-5 NIV

remain in me and I will remain in you. apart from me you can do nothing.

i'm like a bird i want to fly away...

ever have that feeling after being out of town for a long time that all you want to do is go home? home sweet home. i don't feel at home anywhere. i thought for sure once i moved in with les i would feel at home. i guess it's not even the physical home i can't get comfortable with. i can't seem to get comfortable in my own skin.

i can't rest. i can't relax. i've never felt anxiety like this ever. i don't know what to do about the whole camp and mission trip disaster. i can't figure out how to do this job, be married and still find time to be with friends. i'm failing my friends. i feel like i'm failing the church. i feel like i'm failing les. i can't figure out how to work time into my for chili's. i'mdropping balls left and right. i feel like i'm failing my family. i don't know how much longer i can stand up against being attacked like this.

i hate letting people down. i hate not being in control. ahh control. i don't feel like i have control over anything in my life right now and it's driving me crazy. it's causing me so much anxiety that at times it feels like i can barely breath. how do i relinquish control while at the same time still play an active part of my own life? do i let go sit around and do nothing expecting that things will be all of a sudden taken care of?

how do you live when you don't even know how to do life? my goodness does satan ever know how to attack me. seriously. it starts with one thought and i'm thrown into an absolute state of temporary insanity. all i need to do is let go. it's that simple. i need to stop worrying about failing, stop worrying about not living up to God's expectations for me..i just need to stop worrying.

Wednesday, May 19, 2004

no more tears...

blasted gary. he always makes me cry. shouldn't i be happy when i receive love from other people? why is it so hard for me to accept? would i just rather never have it to begin with then face the possibility of having it taken away from me? in many ways the answer is yes. it's not easy for me to let other people help me or even minister to me.

gary asked me why i've never asked him and bobbi for help and i started crying. i've received more parental love from gary and bobbi then i have from my own parents. i already feel like they have helped me so much just loving me. and the tears keep falling.

poor les. he had been out of the office for most od the day and when he got back he was met by me in tears. i couldn't say what was wrong. all i wanted to do was get as far away from work as possible. i hate letting people see me cry, especially men. i could hardly even look les in the eyes. i feel bad that i freaked him out pretty bad but i just needed to go. this only makes me feel worse because i feel like i'm being a horrible wife. i haven't been feeling very well which only compounded the situation today and all i want to do is sleep. that's all i really have energy to do. again i feel like i'm failing. being a good wife to les is something i don't want to fail at.

and the tears keep falling. my head is pounding. will this ever end? how long will i beleive the lies from the past? if only i could make it stop.

i love crying at work

i want to go home!!!!!

Monday, May 17, 2004

time out...

i don't even know i'm trying to blog right now. i have so much junk floating around in my head right now and i would love to unload so of it but i don't even know how to put into words how i'm feeling. everything seems bleak today. my body is still not co-operating with me. in fact today seems to be the worst of it so far. i wish i knew what was going on.

i'm trying to figure out how not to waller in the funk. i feel like everything is under attack. my body, my spirit. i don't want that to define me. i let it last time. i went crazy kooky insano. this time i'm going to grasp tooth and nail to stay out of the darkness. i think the key is when ever i'm starting to feel this way i really need to make sure i take a time out and spend time with God. i already feel like i'm headed right where i was with all this busyness. monday nights meet with my accountability partner, tuesday night sr high small group, wednesday night church or small group, every first thursday night of the month leaders meeting, starting in june every saturday there's going to be a youth event, every sunday night sr high youth group. hmmm.. i have only one to two nights a week free when i can sit and veg. blah! how do i continue to rest when it seems like it's impossible to do? i guess mondays at work are going to have to be the days when i sit still and allow God to recharge me.

i need to cry i know i would feel so much better if i could just get some of it out. the pain of my mom and my dad is at the surface. i guess i keep trying to run from it. i wish i could just look it straight in the face. does the pain ever go away. i swear i feel like i've been dealing with this forever. i guess i should be fine with it taking forever but i feel like such a huge baby. get over it already! i just can't shut off those voices from the past. it's like they keep playing over and over again in my head. the mountain seems so huge. maybe healing is the same as ministry. if it seems huge it's because it's supposed to. still need to call steve but have i? what is my stinkin problem?

Sunday, May 16, 2004

the smell of defeat

this has quite the super sunday. maybe i wouldn't feel so defeated if i hadn't stayed up late watching the spurs loose to the lakers. stupid lakers! maybe that's why i'm a nutcase today. my spurs lost last night and all is not right with the world. and when did 12:30 start becoming a late night? i get married and all of a sudden i end up acting like mee maw and pee paw. it's not like les wants to go to bed before ten i just can't stay up much past that anymore. i guess i'm not eating enough chocolate.

i'm being such a moody girl today. i'll go from happy to frUstrated beyond all belief to wanting to burst into tears all in the span of twenty minutes. maybe birth control is finally starting to make me feel nutso. uhh! i hate it! i don't even know who i am today.

i feel like i'm being attacked like crazy today. jr high service went great. i even had some kids come up to me and say that they thought the lesson was awesome. this never happens in jr high. the kids were rowdy but a good rowdy not annoying interrupting the lesson every five seconds kind of rowdy. the parents meeting went okay today. i didn't have the turn out i was hoping for and that really hacked me off. but the parents that were there want to help out in anyway possible and are totally supportive. senior high went okay. 15 kids came. this is more students then we've ever had. today should be a victory. instead i'm exhausted and want to burst into tears. on the way home les said it's really getting hard to do sunday evenings. of all nights to say this. i totally understand what he is saying though. there really is nothing i can do about it right now.

i guess i'm close to getting it or breaking through to something huge. this week i've felt like i'm constantly under fire. i'm not funky like i have been in the past but there is definately something going on that is beyond my understanding. GOD HELP! I'M TIRED AND I CAN'T FACE THIS FIRING SQUAD ALONE!

Saturday, May 15, 2004

last late night blog? .... i think not

well it's friday night may 15th i'm married and i'm bloggin at 3 in the morning. i guess my fear of never being able to grab another late night blog session is over. maybe if i hadn't fallen asleep on the couch at 10 pm on a friday night i wouldn't be up now. ah oh well i got some blogging i need to get caught up on anyway.


i've noticed over the past couple weeks that when i get really fired up about something or i really know God is speaking through me i get super flushed and hot. not that this makes a darn bit of difference but i thought it was rather strange. i've given lessons before or talks about certain things and the times that peple comment on how it really impacted them is when i've been all hot and bothered so to speak. it's at those times that i know i'm either communcating God's vision or his message. i love when he does that!


i think it's finally starting to sink in that les and i are married. we are still in our honeymoon bliss right now but reality is finally starting to creep in. we still haven't had a single fight. we've been together over a year. i don't find this a bad thing it's just rather strange. i guess it's hard to fight with someone who when i look at them all i can think is how can i possibly be married to this amazingly beautiful man. waking up next to him is still the best thing about marraige.


the "c" word came up tonight. les said he has been looking into seminary some. i wish i had had a better reaction. we kind of talked about it and i busted in with it's better to do it sooner rather than later because once we start popping out anckle biters i don't know how supportive i'll be. actually i said i don't think i'd be as cool as steph was to ted. ted is our teaching pastor and in a couple weeks he is graduating with his masters from UT. sometime this month ted and steph will have three children under the age of three. i don't think i'd be a cool wife and let les decide to go back to school when we have so many new things going on with our family. then without really thinking about it i said i know how it affected my mom when she went back to school and she didn't have time. uhh... i guess i'm afraid that if les goes back to school with or without kiddos he wont have time for me anymore because he's too wrapped up with school work. when my mom went back to school she was really busy with it and i felt like she didn't have time for me anymore. i don't ever want my kids to feel that way and i'm afraid of reliving my past. i'm still afraid of being abandoned by les. i'm afraid that everything that we're experiencing right now is way to good to be true. he has given me absolutely no reason to feel this way. i know what i need to do. i need to call steve and work through some of this stuff with a counselor. i see my reminder message to call him pop up everyday but everyday i decide to hit the "snooze" button. i know it will be good for me but i just can't make myself make the phone call. i'm still scared to face the past.


why in the heck are the lakers up on the spurs 3to 2? seriously! why must i be tested in this way? am i supposed to learn a lesson in love here? how can it be possible for one girl to hate and loathe a team so much? i really wish we had cable right now. i can't beleive i missed most of the college basketball playoffs. i never would have thought a simple wedding could have possibly distracted me from march maddness.


stupid adam keeps calling me. how can it be possible to feel so sorry for him yet have such a strong desire to kick him in the nuts? goodness am i honoary tonight. no wonder why i can't sleep. i really wish i have worked through the end of that relationship. i really wish i didn't have such a strong desire to send him wedding pictures and say look at this i was a totally hot bride and you totally missed out on that. HAHA. why do i want to even tell him my relationship with les is so much better than my relationship with you because of blah blah blah. i could go on for days with that one. WHY!? doing all that stuff would be so hurtful to him. i guess i want to hurt him the way he hurt me. i want to cut him down to the quick like he did to me. why?! honestly i think adam is a lot like my mom. he really did think he did a good job of taking care of me. i know he doesn't purposely try to be a donkey he just is. does it make it right? no but at least it was never intentional. i guess my desire for him to say i totally screwed up is my desire to get my self worth from people. him telling me this relationship isn't worth all this felt like he was saying you're not worth all this. i want him to say yes you were worth all of it and i was just too stupid to notice. i don't need that. i need to love adam like Chrisat loves Adam and show him compassion. i really do feel sorry for him. he just doesn't get it and he's totally missing out on what life could really be.

i'm going through this book called search for significance and it's really awesome. i really wasn't grasping it at first but now it's starting to sink in. one of the questions i went over this week asked "since you are loved unconditionally and accepted by the creator of the universe and all things why do you need the approval of others?" it was worded better than that but what a good stinking question. it's finally starting to sink in that God loves me no matter what and i am fully pleasing to him. part of it finally sinking in is healing i'm receiving in my relationship with les. he is so amazing and shows me love in ways i've never received. nobody has ever treated me the way he does and God's love for me is finally starting to make sense. i'm loved and accepted by the creator of the universe why do i still need the approval of others. i don't and i don't need adam to tell me he screwed up.

thank God he didn't think it was worth it. i think i thank God almoseveryday that it didn't work out. i could be in a pretty miserable marraige right now. instead i am married to an amazing man of God who shows me love in more ways then i thought was possible. i just really can't get over that God created les brown to be my husband. i was created to be his wife. it's mind blowing! i'm so stinkin blessed.


i have really been on a pretty incredible high off life lately. my body hasn't exactly been cooperating but other than that i seem to have found my joy. it's been that way since the wedding. the downside is that i'm already starting to feel like i'm being pulled off the mountain top. i guess that totally makes sense though. the closer i get to God and the more i begin to rely on him to work through me to do ministry the more i will feel under attack. hopefully just the awareness of the forces that are at play will help keep me from falling back down in to the depths of another valley. i don't want to get caught in the sicking performance trap at work. i think i'm fixing to loose jeremy, possibly the mechacas, and this worship leader thing is nutty. i could focus on this on the definacencies. i could wallow around in self pity questioning God about MY ability to do this job or i can realize that jerk face satan is trying to discourage me in everyway possible and is trying to get me to once again get so stinking busy i disconnect from the one who created me. if you are reading this and know the power of prayer pray that i don't do this to myself again. pray that i will move at a slow pace and will wait for God's lead.


Friday, May 07, 2004

what's your status?

i don't know why i haven't thought about this before. i'm going to start posting my fun status reports that i'm supposed to write every week for my job. it will be interesting to look back and see if i learned anything over the course of a year.

Status Report 5.07.04
It’s great to be back at work without the preoccupation and the stress of a wedding to plan. It is great to be back to normal. This week it has been rather difficult to get back into reality. I still feel more productive than I have felt in weeks. The chance to get away for an entire week of vacation was awesome. I really realized the importance of rest on the trip. I hadn’t realized how much I had been infected with the disease of busyness. Rest is so important. Without rest my work is effected and more importantly my relationship with God is effected. Hopefully, I’ll be able to remember this lesson as the weeks go by.

This week we had another successful leaders meeting. People decided to show up despite the conflict with the final Friends episode. It is really cool to see how leaders are really starting to connect with each other. The group is definitely starting to bond and come together as a team. This is really exciting for me. A couple leaders even mentioned how they look forward to the meetings now. God really has been encouraging me lately.

I’m finally starting to feel comfortable as the student ministries leader at Gateway Community Church. I’ve felt so inadequate and have wondered if I’ve tried to fill shoes that were way too big for me. I finally realize that God didn’t choose me for this job in order for me to demonstrate ability or knowledge. God chose me for this job because of the things He’s going to be able to do through me and the other people working in Crossroads. I have the coolest job ever!

The next couple of months are going to be pretty interesting for Crossroads. Right now we currently don’t have a worship leader for our jr high service. Wes is trying to make up his mind and I should know Sunday what he decides. Until he commits I’m just taking it that we don’t have a worship leader. It’s really interesting that I’m not stressed out about this at all. A month ago I probably would have been freaked out. Instead I’m pretty excited and curious to see how God answers our need. Maybe it’s Wes maybe it’s someone else but either way I think the answer is going to better than I could have even imagined. Surprising what some rest will do for the attitude.

Another interesting development that happened this week was Jeff Jackson voiced his interest in starting a college age small group. Gateway has been needing this for a long time. I know there are quite a few college age students who are looking for a place to plug in. We have three high school students fixing to graduate and I’ve really been concerned about how to support them in their next steps. I really have the desire to start some sort of college age ministry but there is no way I would have the time to get anything started. God is so good!

I’ve really been thinking lately about the lack of a jr high small group. There is so much power when students are able to meet in people’s homes during the week. The resources to get weeknight small groups for jr high students going is not available right now. I don’t think it’s fair for the jr high students who are thirsty for more depth to have to wait till those needs are met. I’ve been kicking around the idea of just having a jr high bible study during the first service. It would definitely be smaller than the second service and there wouldn’t be media or any flash but it would offer students who are really serious about going deep the opportunity to do so. The two services for jr high would have to have distinctly different branding and different names but I think it could work. I’m still hoping to also start a jr high service for Saturday night. It would be great if it could be up and running by September along with the start of weeknight small groups. That’s my time table but sometimes that doesn’t always match with God’s. I’m trying to learn how to be patient and to wait. It’s definitely not wise to burst running out of the gate without first waiting to make sure God’s on board. My first instinct is to always just go for it though.

two weeks in.....

married life is absolutely incredible! it's amazing how much planning you can do for one single day that ends up feeling like it lasts seconds long. i guess that's why people spend so much money on photographers and on wedding videos. i don't remember most of the evening of april 23rd. it all happens so fast! from what i remember it was awesome. you can check out les's website to see pictures from our honeymoon and some from the wedding.

i never knew this is what God intended when he created marraige. i spent a good year stressing out over my relationship with les. on friday all those fears and anxieties went away. les is amazing. i really don't even have words to describe what he means to me and how blessed my life is to have him in it. the first couple days of our marraige i couldn't stop tearing up. i was just and still am so overwhelmed that somebody could love me and treat me the way that les does. it's only gotten better since the wedding. it's pretty unbelieveable. i swear he gets cuter everyday. God is so incredibly good!

it was hard coming back home from belize. it was beautiful there. i was finally able to get some uch needed rest. i knew my life had gotten pretty insane with all the busyness going on but i had no idea how much it had been robbing me of quality of life. you have to take time to rest. you have to take time to enjoy the little things in life. i feel like a completely new person. it's good to be back to my old self again!

i'm so glad i love my job. it would have been absolutely miserable having to come back and work at a job i hated. it's already been hard getting back in to the swing of things. i am blogging at work after all. once again i have been truly awed and humbled at the many things God has blessed me with.

remember the time i was freaked out about having sex? holy crap is married sex phenomenal. it's like nothing else! i had no idea it could be like this. is that the best part of marraige so far? no. it is definately right up there at the very top but the most favorite thing about marraige so far is waking up and les being right there. that is so much better than anything else ever. it's even better than chocolate. now that's huge. i'm actually sleeping a lot better now that les and i are hitched. i feel really safe next to him. i get really sleepy about 11pm now. now more sleepless nights. it's awesome! i'm still tired all the time though.

this slightly worries me. nate came over last night and told us about a couple who haven't even been married for even a month and they're already pregnant. she was on the pill. i don't know why i'm so stressed out about this whole thing. i can't wait till sunday comes and i can relax about the baby business. i thought i was so ready to have kids. not so much anymore. there are so many things that i want to do first. even more importantly than all those things i want time alone with les. i want to put my focus and my energy on us and being able to just spend time with him. i used to think that if i couldn't have kids then there just wasn't any point to be here. it's amazing how God has healed me. i love kids and one day i'm sure it would be nice to have them but God and les is all i need. the whole point of marraige to me used to be just to have kids. i never thought about the relationship i would have with the man i married. i would always think about the kiddos we would have. not anymore. in fact at this point in my life i think i'd rather not have kiddos. weird. it's so weird how people change.

GOD IS SO GOOD! oh yeah.. i went to lunch with muffit today. she's going to a small group with lisa. i am so excited i hardly know what to do. how stinkin awesome is that!? why in the heck didn't i think about bringing muffit to my small group? i guess i just didn't think she would be interested. i always thought church would be the first less scary step and then a small group would come. seriously what was i thinking!? i think that's the way it works for most people but how awesome would it have been for muffit to enter into a community where people love her to death which is so easy to do and who support her and give her the fellowship her heart longs for. FREAKING DUH!!!! maybe i was being selfish by not thinking about it or maybe it just wasn't the right timing. either way i'm just so fired up that she's going now! GOD ROCKS!!

i guess i better get back to work. enough rambling for now....