Saturday, August 14, 2004

team brown

i always said that i wanted to marry someone who i could be on a team with. i thought i understood what that meant but today as i think of facing sunday alone it all makes perfect sense. les is not only my husband but he's my other half and my team mate. i love my job but sundays can be hard. it's a long day of teaching and ministering to others. at times i wonder if it's all worth it but when it comes down to it i wouldn't be satisfied doing anything else. God has given me an amazing team mate to do ministry with. together we are stronger. it's good to have moments like this to remember how it was before les was in my life. i was still able to hold down the studnet ministry forts at gateway single but it's so much better not to have to do it alone.

it looks like denver is now officially on the radar. at times it seems like i could easily pack up and leave and other times the mere thought of leaving makes me want to cry. i know God has things under control. whatever he has cooked up for us i know is going to be awesome! if i got to pick the outcome though it would go alittle something like this. we would leave sometime during the summer and we would help start a church plant in Portland and gateway would hire heather and greg to take our jobs. maybe i'm on to something but if this is the plan sounds perfect to me then i know God's plan is even better.

crossroads seems to be falling into place nicely. i have leaders who are lined up to help out. host homes for small groups are coming available and it seems like i'm finally going to get the help that i so desperately needed. now all i have to do is work on crafty the vision for corssroads into an understandable message. gonna need your help on this one Big Guy.

people always ask newly married people how married life is? les and i still hear it all the time. i think it's people's attempt to make light conversation. my responses are slowly but surely starting to change. at first i just wanted to answer it's hard as heck. being married feels a lot like depression. the cloud of the first month began to lift and i began to answer it's the hardest thing i've ever done but it's also the best thing i'v ever done. now the truth is that marraige is work. you have to try not to be selfish and you have to be patient. you have to become a student of your spouse and you have to learn how to communicate your needs. i still struggle with communicating what i need but little by little it's getting less scary. mareaige now is a lot like how my life has changed since deciding to pursue a life with God in the center of it. just because i'm a christain doesn't mean that life is always easy. in fact life can be very hard at times and i'm such a sucker for satans lies. but life with God is so much better than life without him. my life has meaning now and God is always with me even when i feel desperately alone and afraid. marraige has been the same thing for me. being married doesn't mean that everyday is the best day ever and that i'm always happy. like my relationship with God my relationship with les takes time and effort and at times is hard. my life being married to les is so much richer and fuller now though because now i have a partner here on earth to battle the storms and to celebrate the good times with. i could live without les but i don't want to.

Monday, August 02, 2004

the freaks come out at night

another glorious monday morning and i'm at at 3am. whose complaining? at least the rest of the week i'm able to sleep through the night. i haven't managed how to let go of sunday yet. my mind tries to go through all the conversations i've had, think about all the things i've learned, focus on what i've managed to give to God and what i'm still holding onto. the list goes on and on. maybe sunday evenings when i get home i need to spend a few minutes processing. i'm able to do that alittle with les but i don't think i really think through all the implications of the day.

between middle school and high school we had about 60 students sunday. still when i think about crossroads i still think of it as the twenty something group we used to have. i don't want to toot my own horn or become obessed with numbers but i can't help but get excited when i think of what God has done. i need to stop and focus at how far we have come sometimes. i don't want to get too comfortable in the present when there is still so much room for improvement but it has come along way and i need to give my leaders and God credit for that. it occured to me lying in bed trying to fall back asleep that not only were there 60 warm bodies there but there were sixty students there who God hand picked to be there.