Tuesday, October 26, 2004

hey jealousy...

as i sit here trying to conjure up the right words to describe the way i'm feeling i hear the laughter of the one i love. les's laughter is one of the thousand things i am absolutely in love with. today all it brings is jealousy. i'm jealous that he doesn't feel the same way i do. that he can be so casual about the possibility of moving to denver. granted it was only yesterday that the possibility of helping out with a church plant in denver had me so excited i could hardly stand it. to be honest i've been so up and down on this denver thing that i am absolutely worn out. last week i was a grumpy mess because i didn't want to go. i didn't want the possibility of moving to become a reality. but it is a reality. the reality is that denver is absolutely beautiful. the people that are running the church now are awesome. it would be exciting to help them make meadow springs become an amazing church. BUT the reality is i'm having a hard time swallowing my pride. i'm having a hard time with my identity as Les's wife. don't get me wrong. i love being married to les. i love the fact that he's my husband and i'm his wife but it's hard being defined by that. i don't want to be the wife who lives soley for her husband. i don't want to be the happy house wife. i don't want to be the pastors wife. i don't want to be defined by somebody else. i don't want to take the backseat.

i know that is not what les wants. i was excited about denver just yesterday. i guess i still am. but it's hard when i hear that students are bummed that i could be leaving. it's hard to think that they may possibly think that i'm leaving them because they did something wrong. leaving them will be one of the hardest things i've ever done. les can leave his job in pursuit of another because he knows he was created for more. it's hard for me to leave what i love to pursue something that i may not even be able to be apart of the same way i am at gateway. can i be humble enough to help behind the scenes?

Wednesday, October 06, 2004


i'm reading a book called The Life You've Always Wanted" by John Otrberg and I ran across something very interesting. A passage of the book talks about Moses and the burning bush.

And Moses said, "I must turn aside and look at this great sight, and see why the bush is not burned up." Everything turned on Moses being willing to "turn aside" - to interrupt his daily routine to pay attention to the presence of God.

How many times do I walk past burning bush without ever realizing it was God trying to get my attention? The book continues on with God calling Moses to rescue his people.

"Who am I that I should go to Pharoah?" Moses asked. Nobody knows me. I am slow of speech and slow of tongue. I am disapointed in myself. I yam what I yam." God said to Moses what he has said to you and me and millions of other Moses: "I know all about that. It doesn't really matter much. For I will be with you. Your guilt and your inadequacies are no longer the ultimate truth about you. You are what you are - but that's not all that you are. You are what you are, but you are not yet what you will be. I will be with you.

I can't escape the feeling that I'm letting God down. That I am a big disappointment. Denver came up again today. Les called Rick and we are going to go check out the church plant in Denver October 24th. Things have changed a bit. They can only hire one staff member and they already have a volunteer youth guy leading the youth. I wont be guaranteed the job as youth pastor if we go up there. Les wanted to know if it was still something I would be interested in pursuing. How could I not be. How can I stand in the way of what God may want us to do. I can't say that I have a feeling either way about anything right now but it's worth checking it out. I know myself though. If we go to Denver and I don't feel like this is the right fit I know I would end up resenting the move and possibly even Les. I started on the trackof feeling bad for feeling that way. I don't want to be the one that stands in the way of Les getting an opportunity to lead worship. I felt wrong for feeling that way I did. Do I have a right to feel that way? The truth is that I do and somehow out of all that commotion in my head I stumbled across a new realization. I don't really feel that my feelings and opinions are valid compared to everyone elses. I feel like a disappointment, I feel like a bad person. I guess I figure I must be if my dad didn't want anything to do with me. I must be because my stepdad always reminded me of how much I sucked and eventually ended up abusing me. I must be if my mom chose my step dad over me. There must be something worng with me. I ust be a bad person. That's why I'm always disappointing God. That's why I'm a bad youth pastor. That's why I'm a bad wife and friend. I know these are all lies but how do I stop making them my reality? Why can't I be honest with others about how I'm feeling? Why am I so scared to cry in front of my own husband? Why do I have to distance myself away from everybody? What am I supposed to do when deep down I'm afarid that even God will abandon me? Rationally I know that he never will but it's hard to wrap my heart around that.