Wednesday, November 24, 2004

a year in the life of a fruitcake

i just read through the past year and a half of my life on this blog. i've been through a lot. i've grown a lot. it feels like going through my family junk has all been in vain but it hasn't. little by little i'm changing. i'm at least aware. that's half of the battle. yeah i'm sorta depressed but it's times like this when i can look back and i realize that it hasn't been in vain. it wont always be like this. i'm still whining like i was last year but wow i've come a long way. i still struggle with being able to be completely open with les but it's getting better. i'm confident that one day it wont be so hard to spit things out. it's funny how much we can grow without even noticing it. God is so faithful. "For God is working in you, giving you the desire to obey him and the power to do what pleases him." Philippians 2:13 i've finally been able to see evidence of that in my own life. what are you up to God?

Green Bean Casserole

well what do you know tomorrow is thanksgiving. it seems like just yesterday i was headed up to amarillo to meet les's family. it's been quite the year. it's hard to beleive that les and i have been married for 7 months. it will 1 year and then 10 before we know it. it all happens so fast. last year around this time i was struggling trying to be patient. waiting to get the job as the youth intern at the church. i was so full of hope. so full of fire. i can't get exicited when i talk about crossroads anymore. don't get me wrong. i love those kids like they were my own. i'm just stuck and once again impatient. impatient at how slow things are going. i want it all to happen now. i want to be that big flashy and cool youth group with students busting at the seams but we just aren't yet. it will be interesting to step away from all this and see where God has taken me. if everything had gone my way this year would i have the biggest head on the face of the planet? be careful on what you pray for. i remember always praying that God would keep me humble. if things had just exploded this year would i still be as humble as i am now? i don't know. i would like to think so but i don't trust myself. maybe it will best if i always feel like i'm in over my head.

denver is still looming in the air. today we met with rick and they are excited about the possibility of adding us to the staff. they just aren't there yet finacially to add us. it's a good thing. i want to stay put at least until the end of the school year. i struggled with the position being for les but it's funny lately i've been less concerned about all that. rick asked me today what kind of job description would it take to get me fired up about denver. i don't have the answer to that yet. i know i'll be working with the youth but i don't have to be the lead youth dude. it might even be nice to just be a leader under someone. i'm starting to get the feeling that denver just might be the right fit. i get the sense that God has something planned for me out there. i just can't quite see it yet. i have the desire to take church outside of just a building but what exactly that looks like i don't know. i don't get it, i don't understand, i can't see the full picture but i'm ready to go whenever it's time to go.

i'm having hard time visualizing how kids for les and i fit into the picture of everything. yes that's right i said kids. by the look of disgust that comes over my face whenever the possibility of them are mentioned you would think that i hate babies. the truth of the matter is that i'm starting to get the baby bug. i don't see how that fits into everything though. IF we were to stay here which i know we aren't i can't even see that happening. i assumed that if we moved to denver it would just happen sooner. i'm not so sure now. God has something cooked up for me and i'm not sure having a baby fits into the picture anytime soon. it may not ever fit into the picture. i have this fear that maybe i wont even be able to have kiddos. that would be ashame. les is going to be an amazing father someday. i can't believe i'm even admitting that i want a baby. i've got too many other things to do first. babies? BLAH!

i still seem to be wallering around in a borderline state of depression. when i look back on last year and the year before that it seems like i've been doing that for a long time now. i wonder if all of it will lift once i cut off all the roots from my past that have infected my life? it's good to at least feel at peace. maybe depression will always be the thorn in my side. i'm just thankful for the sun. hopefully before i know it i'll even be excited about the possibilities of the future.

Wednesday, November 17, 2004

would Jesus play Halo?

i've been thinking a lot about something a youth pastor once said to me. "above all else always uphold your integrity." it caught me off guard at first. i fixated on his example of not using the word "suck" as and played off his advice as being too fundamentalist. who cares if i say suck? would Jesus say suck? the word suck isn't even the issue. what things have i let slide all in the name of trying to keep up with today's culture. "we're a seeker church you don't understand." how much integrity gets lost in programming and trying to reach seekers. don't get me wrong i don't think we should stay caught up in a self righteous holy huddle. i think Jesus would have been hanging out in bars trying to talk to those in need. BUT at what point do we cross too far over the line?

do i have integrity? would Jesus watch the movies that i watch? would he spend his time doing the same things that i do? if he had ever been married would he treat his spouse the same way that i do?

WWJD? what would Jesus do if i completely sallowed him to infect my life? it seems that my walk with God was so much closer before being paid to do ministry. to be honest i haven't been doing much ministry lately. all i've had to offer is a hollow heart and my own shallow and insignifcant words.

all i can do now is wait and hope that God changes me to be the women he created me to be.

"For God is working in you, giving you the desire to obey him and the power to do what please him."