Wednesday, March 30, 2005


sunday evening on the way back from san anotonio les and i discovered that we had both been helped by a guy named bones when we were stranded without gas on the highway. call me crazy but i don't think too many people are running around austin named bones. is this weird or what!? i think it's so crazy that i've been pondering it for several days now and can't help but give a huge shout out to bones! where ever you are buddy thank you so much for the help! you truly are the super hero of the austin highways!

the trip to san anotonio went well. my family managed to show their dysfunctional side this easter holiday so it made it a lot easier to say goodbye. i think the highlight of the visit was the showing of the mummy. nothing like a movie about a thousand year old corspe to celebrate easter. i love my family dearly but can you say cookoo!

while we were at my grandparents on sunday i ran across some old tapes. i used to run around with a fisher price tape recoder as a kid trying to catch people at interesting moments. some of the stuff is still as funny as i remembered it being. i also discovered that i was quite the burper even as a young child so i guess this whole burping thing isn't a new development for me. once gassy always gassy i guess. i somehow seemed to have dropped the "excuse me" as i got older.

did i meantion how much moving stinks!? seriously i don't think it will ever end. it's also marvelous how buster has decided to make piss puddles all over the apartment. thank you for making this move extra memorable buster! maybe one day i'll even laugh about it.

a huge honking trailer was dropped off in front of our apartment today and it was the last high school small group i'll probably even attend in austin. you would think this whole denial thing would be getting harder but it actually seems to be getting a bit easier. i think it's because all my focus has turned to how badly i want to get out of this disgusting apartment. with the stress of living in the pit of death there isn't much room left for tears. i don't know if i can make it two more days. the dust bunnies are taking over. aaaaaahhhhhhh!!!!!

Saturday, March 26, 2005

moving stinks

well it's Easter weekend already. this will be the last time les and i treck up to gateway on a saturday afternoon. i can't believe how fast this move has snuck up on us! we haven't even really begun to pack. les has at least knocked out several boxes but i haven't been able to bring myself to pack anything yet. friday began the "this is the last friday i'll be a resident of austin...." as much as it stinks now i fear what it's going to be like when we've settled into portland. what's it going to be like when i miss the things that have become so much a part of my life here in austin? i've been kicking myself in the head the past couple weeks. why did it take moving for me to take advantage of hanging out with people that i love? now there's no more time left....

Wednesday, March 23, 2005


below is an email for Cathy Perry. CAthy and her husband Eric have been gracious to let Les and I live in their beautiful home in St. John's while they finish things up in Grant's Pass. I don't know why this email shocked me so much. God created the entire universe and everything in it this is such a simple feat from Him. I' ve neveer doubted that God could make things like this happen or come togheter but I'm just so taken aback by how much He loves us. He really does care about even the tiniest details of our lives.

Hey Guys!!

Thanks for the yummy pie.

I know your crazy busy getting your stuff together for the big move, but I wanted to share with you all how God has provided for us also.

We put our house up for sale last Tuesday. We put it up early in order to give it enough time to sell before we join you in Portland sometime in August. We thought that if by chance it sold before the kids got out of school, we would rent something for a few months which would save us a little money until we have to move.

O.K. here's where it gets good. We got an offer on the house Saturday! only four days after we put it on the market. It closes April 22nd so as of that date no more mortgage payment. We also sold it for a great price and the money we get out of it will send us to Portland debt free with some money to update our new house!

O.K. here's where it gets better. The people who bought it cannot move in until August and they have asked us to live in it RENT FREE until August 1st. Is that incredible or what!!!???

Now here's the kicker. These people have never actually seen my house in person. They are moving here from Washington and have only seen it on the internet. They loved it so much they bought it sight unseen. I think they are Christian because they want to put their kids in the same Christian school my boys are in. We will meet them April 3rd when they come see the house they bought!

As God provides for you through us, He also provides for us through others.
I feel this is an incredible time in all our lives as he so obviously brings us together to serve Him at Red Sea.
I love my undeniable God story. No way could a deal like this be orchestrated by man.
I look forward to serving Him together.

I also would like to extend an invitation to you both that when you get settled, you think about coming to visit us here in Grants Pass. It would be a good opportunity for you to see Oregon. The drive is only 3 1/2 hours and we would love to have you stay with us. Please think about it.

Well I'll let you get back to packing. We pray for your safe trip and we'll see you in April.


Tuesday, March 22, 2005


if your entire life was written for all to see would you be comfortable with everyone reading it? would you be comfortable with anyone reading it? i don't know if i would be comfortable with reading my own much less having somebody else read it. i have to say i'd be more comfortable with people knowing about the inner workings of my life today and over the past year heck i air my junk out for anyone to have access to now. if you were to go any further back in my life it gets kinda hairy. i can't say that my past wouldn't be titled desi does dallas but i cartainly would not be proud of what would be contained in the chapters of my life from say age thirteen to age twenty three. the worst would be chapter twenty. i'm sure if i read it myself there would be things i'd find new. there are many things i don't remember about that year.

what if everyone had a book? whose would you read? i wonder if i would have the courage to read les's book. would i even want to know about his past. would it change the way i view him today. what if he read my book would he still feel the same about me. would anyone. maybe one day i'll write it all down and it will be a truimph of how far God has taken this once mess of a life.

Monday, March 21, 2005


"do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind..."

i went to see the movie sideways tonight. i had no idea what it was about but had heard talk that it was a pretty good movie. i would have to tend to disagree on that one. cut the cinamatic well written, filmed, directed or whatever b.s. the movie was sad and hard to watch. it stirred something within my spirit. i've been struggling over trying to figure out how to stay relevant to people around me and at the same time guarding my mind. i don't want to go on a crazy rampage and cut out all movies that are rated PG-13 and above and throw away all the secular music that i own. i just want to be careful and not to forget God honoring about the things i expose myself to.

i don't think i committed a heinous sin by not walking out of the movie theatre tonight. it did bother me that people at my church and even people on staff would recommend the movie without ever giving a heads up of some of the content in the movie. no, i am not a baby christian and watching sideways is not going to convince me to cheat on my husband or go on a week long drinking binge. however, what about the baby christians that are at our church? what message are we giving to them? if i wouldn't be comfortable taking a group of people that i'm spritually leading to see that movie then why should i be comfortable going to see it myself? the whole thing is a gray area anyway. the bible doesn't say thou shalt not watch R rated movies. and even if through struggling through all of this i do some serious scaling back of the movies and music i listen to i'm not about to condemn those who would watch something wouldn't watch. i will however not be shy to to those who would recommend such a movie to others or who take a group of peopl that they are leading to see a movie like that. it happens all the time and it hacks me off. do people not realize that we are in a church full of baby christains. i don't want to be a whack job fundy but what happened to setting an example. why aren't we loving the people we are leading by challenging them and by being the face of Christ?

i think the saddest part of sideways is how true it is to so many people in america. there is so much destructive behavior in that movie that A LOT of people struggle with. it wasn't all that long ago when i too would drink away all the problems that popped up in my life. as a result of that i am emotionally immature. things pop up and emotions pop up and i shut down. i don't always know how to cope and sometimes i act out in immature ways. i know over time i'll grow. it's just hard to figure out what to do sometimes. most of my life i've used some kind of crutch to get me through and now that all of that is gone i'm in the process of learning how to be healthy.

i don't want to conform to the ways of this world. there are so many things wrong with this place. i don't want to be in love with this world or contribute to the decay. i want to be salt and if it means giving up some freedoms i have to be that then so be it.


so yesterday was the dreaded sunday. the last sunday with my students at gateway and the going away party. there were lots of tears but not nearly as many as i thought. i can honestly say i've never felt more loved than i have at gateway. it's amazing how much you can impact a life without ever really realizing it. there are so many people i'm going to miss. i think it's rather fitting that it's been raining all day today.

we left last night we got some pretty cool parting gifts and a few more checks have come unexpectedly. the staff at gateway pitched in and got us U2 tickets. i can't believe i'm actually going to be able to see them live. BECKY YOU ROCK! les's production team pitched in and got him a new bass guitar. i sure hope matt treats everyone on that team the way they deserve. my leaders got me a photo album of some of the feats we have accomplished together. it was very touching. it's kinda hard to soak all of it in. it started me thinking about what would have happened if i hadn't been willing. hadn't been willing to die to self and live for Christ. i would have missed out on so much. who knows what is going to happen in portland but what if i wasn't willing to go? what would i miss out on?

i've been trying really hard to not shake my fist at God for calling les and i to portland especially now that it's becoming real and frankly IT SUCKS RIGHT NOW. i'm tired of shaking my fist when things don't go my way. nobody said this life would be easy. i really want to grow into the person who rejoices in all circumstances. it was God who gave me all the people in my life that i'm so sad about leaving. it was God who blessed me with amazing students to do life with even if it was for such a short time.

what do you know the sun is coming out...

Tuesday, March 15, 2005


so les and i get into work today and there was a card in les' box. the first line in the card said "we found this check and God told us it was yours." the check wasn't small and it was from a family that i have completely grown to love. i am blown away by their generosity. i was blown away by their generosity before this but now i am just humbled that i was blessed enough to have been able to know this family and have the opportunity to learn from them.

i am so in awe of how God is taking care of us. i knew that He would but i never realized how much it would affect me and reveal His love to me. He really does love us so much. the creator of the the universe loves us more than we could possibily imagine. it's mind blowing.

i feel so overwhelmed in so many ways. the way God has provided for les and i is completely amazing. i am so excited that He has chosen us to do life and do ministry in st. john's. i really wish i could describe what it's like over there. what the people are like. what the church is like. it's really like nothing i have ever experienced before. i'm not great with words so all i can keep telling people is that they have to experience it for themselves. i am saddened by leaving my family, friends and students. and my heart is filled with grief for the people on staff that we are leaving behind. through this experience i've completely realized how much we need a savior. how much we need him every minute of the day.


okay so it's official i have the best husband EVER! les planned the best surprise party for me ever! salt lick and chocolate cake, need i say more? YUM! so maybe it wasn't really a surprise since he spilled the beans when i asked him with tears rolling down my cheeks "why do you hate me?" okay so i didn't quite ask that but i did let him know that i was upset that he hadn't invite anyone. yep i felt like quite the ass when he told me about the surprise.

did i mention that he's been doing all the packing since i refuse to face reality that we are moving? i am the luckiest girl in the world!

Friday, March 11, 2005


the weather the past several days has been absolutely phenomenal. you just can't get weather better than what we've been having here in austin. the report from up in portland says the weather has been the same up there. this morning going to work with the window down i almost felt euphoric. i love the sun. i can't get enough of it. the weather the past year in austin has been rather rainy and cloudy. maybe God has been preparing me for portland all along. hopefully, portland wont be much rainier than austin was this year.

i always knew my mood was affected by the weather. i've even told tons of people that i'll need to buy sun lamps to survive in portland. this morning though i realized just how much that is true. a few days of sun and i feel recharged. i feel like my old self again. the blues have up and left and i feel giddy and energized. i'm not exactly excited about the way my jeans have started to fit my body, in fact i'm expecting to turn purple at any minute. other than that i don't have a care in the world. i feel like i could conquer the world today and it feels good.

i wish i could hold onto this feeling. i wish i could bottle up a ton of it for the future when i need it most. maybe this is a new season for miss... oh i'm not a miss anymore...a new season for mrs. desirea brown. i'm hoping for a season of joyful posts. i'm ready to trade in my muck boots for pretty new flip flops.


Posted by Hello

i might not be fired up about moving out of texas but i'm so fired up about how beautiful oregon is. i don't understand how someone can experience beauty like this in nature and not believe in God. it's so obvious how much He loves us and how creative He is.

Posted by Hello

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this is the beautiful house Les and I get to stay in rent FREE for five months! God not only provided us a place to live He hooked us up!


BUSTED! Posted by Hello

Buster Brown Posted by Hello

Wednesday, March 09, 2005


holy crap i can't believe it's march! it was so much nicer when march was in the distance. but it's here and it's reaking havoc on me. i'm glad, i'm sad, i'm angry, i'm scared, i'm excited, i'm... i'm...everything! it's wearing me out and as usual all i want to do is sleep. ahhhh...sleeping is good.

i wonder how long my stomach is going to stay tied up in knots? i don't want to go and yet at the same time i wish we were leaving tomorrow. i'm ready for this grossness to wash off. i'm ready to not be sad anymore. i'm ready to not be angry anymore. there's nothing i can do about it anyway. i'm ready to move on.

it's hard going into work and dreading what i might hear while i'm there. when did sunday become a performance? when did sunday become a flashy commercial to sell God? yes, i'll have two McFeel Good Services and can you super size that please? when did becoming relevant to current culture mean that we fear worshipping our God on sunday? when did authenticity and transparency become so fake?

i am freaked out. i'm freaked out that i'll someday distort the clear message and vision God has given me. i'm freaked out that it will become a numbers game without me even realizing it. i'm freaked out that one day i'll be on my knees praying for God to help me in ministry while at the same time refuse to step aside and allow him to be God. i don't want it to be a man made strategy. i don't want to figure out what church is supposed to be. I WANT GOD TO BE GOD! i want to be truly authentic. i want to keep working on my junk even though it scares the poop out of me. i want meat. i want to be fed. i want to grow. i want to be challenged. i want to let go of everything. i want to surrender all.

the last several weeks we've been watching the passion of the christ in our high school group. earlier this week i've been scared that once les and i were portland satan would attack the poo out of me. that he would attack my marraige, that he would attack my sanity, that he would attack my stability and that i would fall. fall hard. yes i will be a walking talking target for the prince of darkness himself but i'm not alone. when the demons in my head are jeering and laughing and taunting me i'm not alone. i'm never alone. Jesus conquered death, he conquered my sin, he conquered satan. in the end the victory is his and because i'm his child i am victorious as well. no weapon formed against me shall prosper. what the heck was i worried about!?


Thursday, March 03, 2005


well, 26 was another birthday full of tears. i'm ready to call it quites on the whole birthday thing. three strikes you're out right? i am torn between feeling like i'm a stuck up high maintanence snob and desperately wanting les to prove me wrong.

three years ago on fabulous birthday number 24 i was looked in the face and told that i wasn't worth it. "YOU"RE NOT WORTH IT!" i wish it was possible to erase entire people from your memory. i wonder if the writers of eternal sunshine of the spotless mind struggled with an ex. i'm tired of dragging adam into my marraige. it's adam, it'm my mom, it's my step dad and other people in my life who have in some shape or form told me that "you're not worth it."

i know the one person who should matter the most told me that i was worth it. i was worth him dying on the cross for. i know that God thinks i'm worth it and i think i'm slowly being able to grasp the fullness of what that means. i'd rather have God's love than anything else. He whispered many times yesterday how much he loves me and how special he thinks i am. Thanks Dad!

wish that would be sufficent for me. i wish my flesh didn't cry out so loud for that to be confirmed by other people. that wont happen. people are people and they like me make mistakes.

i know les loves me. in the midst of all the chaos yesterday trying to figure out what the heck was wrong, i never doubted our love for one another. the bottom line is that we love each other and with God's help we can get through anything together. there was a point yesterday when i just wanted to say all "this" doesn't matter i love you and that's what matters. in the long run this is so true but speaking on short hand terms not so much.

poor les, it seems like he has so much to do to try to overcome 3/2/2003 and many dates before that. prove me wrong. prove adam wrong. prove that i really am worth it. and here enters the high maintenance queen. i hate her and i wish she would leave. but she wont and she craves TIME & EFFORT. if it doesn't have the appearance of T&E forget it, it's worth nothing. you want to make this day special for me prove it go out of your way to make that happen. plan ahead, call. scheme. don't make it appear that you threw it together even if you did. i hate the high maintenance with and i wish she was dead.

i'm not worth all that anyway. i'm not worth all that time and effort. I'M NOT WORTH IT! right?

just when i think i'm making progress...

Tuesday, March 01, 2005


in several hours i'll be entering the world of 26. what will 26 have in store for me?


so much has happened over the last two days. once again i feel like i'm standing in the middle of a whirlwind of activity. God is everywhere. He's moving and shaking and i'm desperately trying to grasp onto at least some of what's going on. year twenty six, this is going to be the year of spiritual depth. back track s couple years and 24 was the year of figuring it out. 25 well that followed year 24 with growth. the last two years have been a struggle. the struggle of person al and emotional growth. nothing like battling the demons of the past.

this year... this year will be the year of crazy spiritual growth. however, i don't think the struggling is quite over yet. this year i will begin to figure out what it means to breath in God with every breath. to learn how to discern. to learn how to be disiplined. OUCH! discipline is not always an easy thing. if it was i'd be content with relying on myself.

well, enough about getting older, gray hairs and wrinkles. let's get caught up on the happenings of this second trip to portland. prior to leaving portland les puts a post on his blog that asks our family and friends to that we find a place to live. he asks them since they are praying to pray up free saince we don't have this income thing figured out yet.

we get to portland and meet up with shaun and warren. upon seeing them instantly it feels like a family reuinion. we have lunch and get caught up and they take us to the place warren is living at. he;s living in a house bought by a doctor and his family who just so happens to be moving up to st. johns to help start up a free clinic here. they wont be up here officially until september so they offered to let us stay rent free for 5 months. what can i say God provides. tye house is magnificent by the way. the backyard is incredible!

les and i are staying at the garmans this visit. i know i've mentioned this before but they have 6 kids. daisy is my new hero! she is so patient! i've never seen anything like it before. i love their family and again it somehow feels like mine. today at breakfast at camp 108, les had mentioned how after staying with the garmans he could totally see having 4 kids. i had been thinking the same thing (WHO AM I!?) who knows, maybe 26 will be the year cleatus the fetus makes an entrance (AM I SMOKING CRACK!).

les and i went canon beach and ecola national park. after seeing places like that there is no doubt that God is infinitely creative. canon beach is absolutely beautiful. it didn't even seem like it was that much of a loss that the water is deathly cold.