Wednesday, August 31, 2005

WHERE MY GIRLS AT?


so lately it's been a drag not having any girlfriends around this crazy city. making friends becomes a drag the older you get. tack on a husband and an upcoming baby and prospects get slimmer and slimmer. i've had a chance to connect with some woman here in portland that i really like but it takes time to become true genuine friends. you don't find too many people that you can have a ready made friendship with. i've managed to find three girls in my lifetime who i have made an instant connection with. the fact that i've already found three is pretty spectacular. i figure my gig is probably up for a while. there just aren't a ton of kate's, heather's and laura's floating around in the universe.

les is amazing so i'm not terribly lonely. it's crazy how much our marraige has solidified over the past several months from this nutty move. so far that has been the absolute best thing about portland. husband as a best friend or not there are just times when a girl needs to be with other humans who at least understands what the heck it's like to have a stinking period! i'm thoroughly convinced that men would pass out at the first sign of a cramp. they have no idea what it's like to have aliens kickbox in their uterus or to have a hungry baby gnaw at their insides because they can't get to a place that sells food fast enough.

i need girlfriends. it's still such a strange concept to me though. it's only been in the last several years that i've managed to have and find healthy and amazing friendships with woman. i miss them terribly. God is good though. He has reminded me in the past couple days that the girls in austin aren't dead. an email here and a phone call there and even a possible reconnection to my long lost twin from childhood has been good for the broken heart. this sunday as i sat in a row with woman around my age i was reminded that God is a provider and with a little patience who knows what will happen.

Tuesday, August 30, 2005

BABY YOU ARE CUTE!


Fin i must say that even though you are causing me to grow whiskers, yes i did say whiskers, you are too cute. i may be the bearded lady by the time you actually get here but hey at least you'll be smashing.

IT'S CONTAGIOUS!


it seems that i'm not the only person who has caught the pregnancy bug. congrats to the lindell's and their new little addition felix the fetus and to the layne's for their new addition baby layne. CONGRATS I'M FIRED UP FOR YA'LL! i'm confident that marie and kara will be far more graceful at being pregnant than i have been. if you are reading this site beware you might be next, it's obviously contagious.

this weekend i was wondering how upset les would be if i told him that i wanted to move back to austin. he's only busted his butt the last month trying to get the new house ready and we've only been actually living there for 5 days. i'm sorry but these oregonians are just too crazy. i'm sure they think the same exact thing about us crazy texans but should that really matter? this weekend i looked at him with tears in my eyes and said that i didn't want to have an oregonian baby that i wanted to have a texan baby. i don't think he quite caught on to where i was going with all of this.

i want to get fat and pregnant with marie. i want to hold the new echleberger baby and practice not snapping infants necks off on sweet baby zack. i want to know that i have someone i can go to when i'm about to go crazy because i can't get Fin to quit crying. and i miss heather like absolute crazy!!! i want to see that sly "we just did it look" on the faces on the newlywed brown's. i want to ohh and ahhh over becky as she and matt walk down the isle together. i don't want to be so far away from my family. i want my little baby cousin alsion to play with Fin. i wanna be back in texas!!

sitting in staff meeting today i realized a horrible truth. les and i didn't screw up when we moved up here to this nutty state. we're supposed to be here. DAMMIT!! eventhough my flesh craves texas more than anything something stirs within my spirit here which is far more satisfying than any chickfila or tex mex will ever be. maybe if i pray hard enough God will move portland to texas. a pregnant girl can dream can't she?

Thursday, August 25, 2005

VERBAL VOMIT

well, i've managed to officially verbally vomit all over my pastor yesterday. today i am rather embarrassed. the feeling is quite similair to the times back in my heathen days when i would get sloshed and wake up the next morning praying that the lingering memories of my escapades the night before were just some crazy bizarre dream rather than reality. my manic raves are generally reserved for my dear sweet husband, heather or via blog. this darn pregnancy is throwing me all off course! i was emotional enough for ten people but it's gotten even worse now. i'm irrational and i feel like i am stuck in some crazy episode of invasion of the body snatchers. i wonder if i can dig a hole in my office and hide for a week.

i did discover one interesting thing in my manic episode. i am freaked out that i am going to be a bad mom. les and i have been talking a lot about things we want to leave behind from our own experiences growing up and how we want to raise our children differently than how we were raised. with all that talk i thought i had things pretty much under control. what the heck was i thinking!? i freaked out the entire time i was engaged to les. why would having a baby be any different?

first off little babies freak me out. i used to hate going to visit people at the hospital who just had a baby. i was always afraid of having to tell them that their puffy dome headed child was cute or precious. i was even more freaked out of the obligatory "hold the baby." i've always been afraid to drop babies or that i would snap their head off or something. aren't woman supposed to love little babies? what the heck am i supposed to do with Fin once he makes his grand entrance into the world? am i going to be a good mother?

as if this wasn't adding enough stress i'm even more terrified of having my child go through the same pain that i went through growing up. i know this irrational to some degree. les and i are already in a much better and different place then my mom was. les is nothing even remotely like my stepfather. he is going to be an outstanding father. i'm not worried about him as a parent, i'm worried about me. am i going to passive agressive like my mom? am i going to lash out in anger the same way she did? am i going to be emotionally ready for this child? am i going to be selfish?

aaaahhhhhhhh! and the pregnancy drama continues. till tomorrow...

Friday, August 19, 2005

WEEKEND WARRIOR


two weekends ago les and i took seven punk high school students on a weekend mission trip through out portland. i almost cancelled this trip. i had been feeling sick and i didn't get the response from the high school group that i had hoped. i had a gut feeling that i needed to follow through with this trip though. i'm so glad that i did. it was awesome to see those seven students step out of their comfort zones and become the hands and feet of Christ. the student above ended up on the front page of the Portland Tribune who did an article on a ministry called Night Strike that we attended while on the trip. this same student invited a homeless man to our church who has been coming ever since.

it always amazes me how much God seeks us out. a small group of punk kids go on a weekend mission trip without even knowing that God would us this group to bring a man into closer community with Christ. God truly goes to amazing lengths to get our attention.

THE PORCELAN BEAST!



where to start, where to start? it's been awhile but i have an excuse. i've been training for the cookie tossing competition in the upcoming olympics. at the rate i'm going i think i'll have a decent shot at bagging me a metal.

i've managed to hit glorious week 12 of pregnancy. the promise of a new and exciting trimester lays waiting hopefully only weeks away. magical month four is supposed to bring an end to nausia and it's evil brother vomiting. the extreme fatigue that i constantly feel will be swept away by a new and exciting surge of energy. i'm not sure if this paradise is true or if they just tell preggo ladies this so they don't go stark raving mad during the first three months.

i heard Finn's heartbeat this week. it truly is an amazing sound which puts all this pregnancy chaos into prespective. at times it feels like pregnancy in nothing more than a fancy word for some evil virus or rare parasite that lasts for months at a time. it doesn't always register that i am pregnant and that means that sometime around march 3rd i will have a real live baby. FREAKIN CRAZY!!! this baby will cry, poop, pee, make me even more exhausted then i am right now which i don't understand how that is at all possible, and will one day call me mommy. i can't dream of anything more incredible than that. more than anything i can't wait to teach my little Finn about God.