Friday, January 27, 2006


i know there is a great explaination why God created men and women so differently and why our roles can differ so much, but today all i can seem to focus on is how girls seem to get screwed. i can't see one stinking advantage to being a girl today. okay, in all fairness, i just thought of one; men are supposed to pay when they go out on dates. all us girls know that this doesn't happen all the time though and most ladies are more than willing to help out the guys and chip in to help. i don't see any guys willing to chip in on breastfeeding or any guys offering to take on Aunt Flo once in awhile to help their girls out. i know i'm being ridiculous right now but i'm pregnant and pissed and in my hormonally unbalanced state, YES BECAUSE I AM A WOMAN!, and all i can think about is how girls get the short end of the stick.

WARNING: if you are in no mood to hear pissing and moaning about how men are far better off than women then stop reading now. i have a bad feeling things will continue to go downhill from here.

the first and most obvious disadvantage to being a woman is we can't pee standing up. this might not seem like a big deal but go to a public restroom and it all becomes too clear. monthly period and menopause, enough said! i don't know what the current statistic is but in 2000 on average women in america got paid 70 cents to every dollar a man got paid. men's retreats are always more kick butt than women's retreats. men can burp and fart all they want and it's excused as it just being a man thing but when a girl does the same it's considered unlady like. men on average are taken more seriously than women. woman have to wear clothes that are a lot more uncomfortable than men. women are expected to wear make-up and have flawless bodies. yes, i am still very aware that i'm being somewhat ridiculous and i'm over generalizing.

what i'm really hacked off about is how much my life is fixing to change with this baby. yes, i do realize les' life is about to change as well but it's just not the same. he doesn't have to be a walking talking cow for the next year. he can take off for a couple days and not have to worry about how the baby is going to get fed. his body is not going to be drastically altered forever from carrying a baby. he doesn't have to give birth. he never had to lug around a gianormous baby belly. no sickness, no constant braxton hicks contractions, no sleepless nights, no, nada, nothing. he never has to worry about the possibility of becoming a stay at home mom. his job gets to stay completely the same. his life plan doesn't get altered the same way mine does. he doesn't have to feel guilty about wondering if he will resent his kids because he had to sacrifice following what he's passionate about to raise his kids. he doesn't have to feel guilty about wondering if he'll resent me because my life isn't as tied down to the baby as his. he doesn't have to feel guilty about feeling like his life is fixing to be over.

he gets to be a pastor/elder of the church. don't get me wrong i totally understand why things are set up this way. i understand the importance of male leadership. if God created men and women to be equal in my flesh i just can't seem to find the equality in all of this. is the role of mother that great and rewarding that it surpasses all these other things? i fear that it isn't and that i'm too selfish to experience the joy that it can be. if i feel this way what does this mean about the mother i'm going to be?

there is a small rational part still left inside me that knows everything is going to be okay, that God has everything under control. i know in my heart this is true. God has never failed me and He has been so good to me. i want to stop struggling and rest assured in that fact.

Tuesday, January 10, 2006


i find it fascinating how it's possible to carry on day to day completely blind to the junk we carry. when we are willing and the timing is right God removes our blinders and we are faced with a not so pretty picture of ourselves. i guess it's these same blinders that allows so many people to get so off course. i don't want to be blinded by my junk yet i can understand why so many people choose to continue to travel an oblivious path of life. it feels gross to stand naked under florescent lights and look into a mirror and realize just how long it's been since those problem areas have been worked out.

God has recently tapped me on the shoulder and briefly taken off my blindfold. it wasn't a pretty sight looking into the mirror. it feels so much better to think that i'm headed on the right path and i'm charging on towards maturity. it's not been much fun realizing that along the path to health and freedom i've overlooked some bothersome growths. some of these growths i'm surprised to see still exist and other ones are a complete surprise and there's one or two that i can't even put a name to. i can cover up these growths and pretend they are not there but i know eventually they will become too big and they will really start mucking everything up.

my first response to these gross companions was to hide in shame. "EWW! i'm disgusting and i don't want you to see the hideous tumor growing on my face." God doesn't give us glimpses of our grossness just for us to hide in shame. He knows how beautiful He created us to be and He only wants to help us to get there. the amazing thing is how beauty and freedom go hand in hand. the not so amazing thing is how painful surgery can be. the price of our surgery is free. i guess i'd be an idiot if i didn't take advantage of this free nip and tuck; just in time for the start of a brand new year.

Thursday, January 05, 2006


it's hard to believe that crazy 2005 is over. it's a good thing too i think anymore changes this year would have sent me to the funny farm. overall it's a hard freaking year but it's been a good year. there are so many things i'm grateful for and there have been so many things i've cried over. i believe i can sum this year up in one word...WHEW! i survived and i'm sure i'll survive 2006 even though it looks like it's going to be as crazy as the past year has been.

drum roll please... this is 2005 is not so many words.

1. Denver / Portland what will it be?
2. The direction is clear and the decision is made. Portland bound.

1. Saying goodbye is such sweet sorrow.

1. Lame Duck
2. Goodbye Sucks
3. The NewAdventure Begins

1. Nobody said the weather would be this bad in Portland.
2. Grandpa dies and I'm back in Texas.

1. This so doesn't feel real
2. Heather visits YEAH!

1. Starting all over with another group of kiddos
2. Surprise! I got knocked up!

2. freak out
3. vomit, vomit, vomit....
4. I had no idea everything including my husband smelled so horribly bad

2. Buy First House
3. Want to Blow Up New House
4. Move AGAIN!
5. vomit vomit vomit

1. can't remember what happened i was too busy sleeping and vomiting

1. high school and junior high meet
2. huh? somehow it got busy around here

1. Les and I with the help of Heather cook our first Thanksgiving Dinner.

1. I will never do a youth all nighter ever again!
2. Found out Bono is the Anti-Christ
3. Back to Texas for the Holidays, are we back in Portland yet?

1. Well what do you know this crazy place actually feels like home.


frankles and i are in the middle of a bet right now. during our two week treck back to texas he mentioned how he wasn't going to shave until the baby was born. his meager attempt to push my buttons ended up in a bet i hope to win. i challenged his beard growing ability and if he wants our baby to wear any ridiculous baylor bear gear during the first year of his life then he'll have to put up with a gross itchy beard for about two or so months. i personally don't think he can hack the grizzley adams appearance much longer and i am looking forward to seeing our new bundle of joy wear lots of longhorn gear! HOOK EM HORNS! i would have killed to be in austin last night!