Tuesday, September 19, 2006

Riley Brown


Beach Dogs 5
Originally uploaded by TheRoadLesTravels.
tonight is a very sad night. my sweet Riley Bo has passed away unexpectedly. my heart is extremely heavy and grieved. i had visions of Riley sneaking into bed with Abbie and Peanut once they got a little older. the other night Riley begged for Abbie for the very first time. i was certain that this would be the first of many times Riley would be caught flashing his charm to Abbie. i could see many dinners being offered to Riley while Abbie giggled with glee. Riley missed out on the joy of Abbie moving on to finger foods. i know Riley is in a better place tonight. if dogs do go to heaven i know Riley will finally be able to catch a few of those pesky squirrels.

i love you Riley! Our Home feels emptier without you here.

Sunday, September 10, 2006

I'M SCREWED!

"You have heard that the law of Moses says, 'Do not murder. If you commit murder, you are subject to judgement.' But I say, if you are angry with someone, you are subject to judgement! If you call someone an idiot, you are in danger of being brought before the high council. And if you curse someone, you are in danger of the fires of hell."
Matthew 5:21-22 NLT

Seems like all I can do right now is call two particular people idiots. And yes, I'm sure I've cursed them at least a dozen times in my head. When did I become this angry bitter person?

Friday, September 08, 2006

DEATH OF A DREAM

almost a year and a half ago les and i packed up our things and moved 2300 miles away from everything we knew to come to portland, oregon. we both had high hopes of being a apart of something that would help change the culture and bring freedom to the lives of the broken in a small community called st. john's. upon arriving here nothing has been or is how it appeared to be at first. today a final meeting has confirmed that les and i are finally released from our duties at a church that once had offered a glimmer of hope of being a breath of fresh air. the feeling of relief has washed away and has left behind nothing but a heavy heart.

a trip to dallas lies very near in the future holding a promising job. everything looks good on paper. an emotionally healthy pastor that can preach it up, a church that appears to have a lot of potiential and maturity. an awesome job and opportunity for les.

the thought of trading in a liberal gritty urban unchurched area for an affluent highly churched conservative suburban population doesn't sound all that appealing to me right now. maybe i'm fooling myself and the gritty urban atmosphere only sounds appealing but in reality i really crave a safe comfortable suburban lifestyle. i can't say that i've taken advantage of the oportunities that could have arisen living in st john's this past year and a half. i've been too focused on freaking out about being a mom and figuring out what this whole motherhood thing is supposed to be about. would i ever take advantage of my situtation or would i use yet another excuse, "no sorry, i just had yet another baby and have no time since i now have two children that are one and under." will i ever take advantage of the opportunity that God gives me or will my entire life be full of woulda, shoulda, coulda's. will i always be so comsumed with fighting my own demons that i'm unable to help people with theirs? i so longingly want to help people find freedom yet have i ever truly discovered it fully for myself yet? all i can do is sit here with a heavy heart, a long list of unanswered questions, and a dying dream and hope that God will continue to grow this wretched person into the woman he desires her to be.