Friday, November 10, 2006

FIRE HOSES, MELTDOWNS, AND OTHER FUN STUFF

i;m surprised my blog has been so quite. the past two months have been a little explosive. who am i kidding though. this whole portland experience has been freaking hard. it's hard to believe that next friday it will be all over for me. i've wrestled so much with God and myself the past year and a half. i'm still trying to figure out why we were supposed to come here to be apart of crazy church, which we got kicked out of by the way, for what feels like absolutely nothing. sure i've grown and i now know what it's like to be burned by a church but did we have to come all this way just for that. i could have gotten my butt totally kicked in texas. why did i have to go all the way to portland for a butt whooping?

abbie is by far the best thing that has come out of this whole experience. honestly, if it wasn't for her i don't think i would have gotten out of bed the last several months. that in itself proves that God knows exactly what He is doing. i was so upset by His timing with Abbie but her arrival was perfectly orchestrated. i know that this time in portland wasn't a mistake on God's part either but is something that was beautifully orchestrated. i also know that once we are fully removed from this situation God will pick me up again, dust me off, and help heal the wounds that have been inflicted. i hope that sometime in the upcoming weeks i will once again be able to dig in the bible with passion. as it stands now i haven't been able to touch my bible in months. i do understand God's goodness more than i ever did though. this to me seems bizarre but He is so good even when there's nothing but crap closing in on all sides.

i'm hoping that in th next several weeks that stress will finally start to subside. as it stands we don't have a place to live in dallas and who knows how long it's going to take to sell our house up here. we do know that les has a job and will have a steady paycheck every month. WAHOO! moving can be stressful but it's nothing like it was three weeks ago when we were tearing down this house trying to gete it ready to sell. it looked like a bomb exploded and it was impossible to find things to shower much less anything else. i ended up with a fun and violent stomach virus during all of this and was a hair snap away from having a nervous breakdown. the house looks great now and i'm bummed because it's so dang cute now and i love it!

another interesting transition that happened the day we were no longer on staff at red sea is i became a SAHM. for those who need a translation i became a stay at home mom. it's one of the most bizarre things ever. the me from a few years ago would have reacted violently even to just the notion of such a thing. it's really strange to think that this is my new stage in life, one that will last for several years. i have to admit that even though i'm no longer revolted by the idea of being a SAHM, there is still a part of me that is ashamed and embarassed about it. i don't think anything badly about other SAHM's and think they are just as busy as a woman working out of the house. for some reason though i feel shame. it's probably because i feel like i'm out of the fight somehow. i know this is ridiculous because the most important thing i'll ever do or be in life is to raise my kids and be a mom. this talk again is something that has transpired over the last year or so. maybe as time passes the embarassment and shame felt by me now will be replaced by wisdom. who knows? all i know is that there is no way in hades someone else is raising my kids other than me or les. i don't want someone else to see abbie crawl for the first time, or say her first complete sentence or anything else like that. i have nothing wrong with parents who send their kiddos off to daycare either. all i know is that for me, i'm doomed to be a soccer mom.

with all that said we found out a couple weeks ago that peanut really has some peanuts. there is no second guessing this time. there is no doubt my son has a fire house and he is not afraid to show it off. i'm looking forward to many months of being hosed with pee. maybe i wont get pooped on like i was with abbie. the funny and ironic thing about our first little boy coming now is that this time around i was really hoping for another little girl. a little boy will definately change the dynamics of our family but number two was going to do that anyway. if i've learned anything about this whole portland thing is that God has a perfect plan and even if it seems nutso at first it will turn out amazing in the end. now i'm just trying to learn how to shut the hell up and let God do His thing.

dang it feels good to feel like i can breath again. hopefully, in dallas i'll even be able to dance again too.