Friday, April 27, 2007
when i was pregnant with Paul i wondered how it would be possible to love him as much as i loved Abbie. i kept hearing from other parents that the love you have for your kids is multiplied that it doesn't divide. i'm sure this has been great news to other parents but this was no comfort to me when little man was born.
first of all, the birth was nothing like abbie's. abbie's birth was magical in many ways. it was peaceful and les, abbie and i had several days to ourselves to bond with one another. paul has been intense since day one starting with his entrance into the world. labor with him was less than two hours and my husband ended up delivering him on our bed in our two bedroom apartment. if you're interested in "The Story" you can read it on my husbands site. there were definately no magical moments in the hospital with paul. after riding in an ambulance and being shoved into a shoebox sized room and being poked and proded for 24 hours i decided that next time around we'll have a planned home birth.
once les and i got home with our new little man, les came down with a monster cold and abbie started running a fever from the mmr shots she had gotten a week before. on top of than we had a baby who was jaundiced and was loosing weight fast and felt like a limp noodle in my arms. i went on auto pilot and tried to take care of my family and try not to worry about little paul. after a week of go go go from me, i tanked. the baby blues hit me like a ton of bricks and held on like mad for several weeks.
with all this chaos i just didn't get the time to bond with my little man like i thought i should. i freaked about not having an earth shaking moment where i instantly fell in love with him. i was worried about him and honestly was afraid to get too attached to him. once that faded and he started getting stronger and gaining weight like a champ he still seemed like this odd little hairy baby, who kept me away from abbie. guilt swept over me like a raging river. would i ever love this child as much as abbie? what about all those parents who said you love all your kids the same? were they liars or was i an exception to the rule?
what i came to figure out is that i always loved my little man. if anyone or anything ever tried to harm him, the most vicious mother bear you have ever seen would pop out so fast it would make the perpetrators head spin. i love paul but it takes time getting to know your kiddos. as time passes those warm and fuzzy feelings come out and they get stronger every day. it doesn't hurt when those first smiles finally start showing up either. to all those parents who enthusiastically tell people that they will love number two as much as their first child, please PLEASE don't forget the word"eventually."
my sweet abbie girl ate her first buger today. of all the firsts i never really thought about this one. do you put something like this in a baby book? all i know is that for me this signals the beginning of a whole new era. congrats abbie you have just moved into the official relm of toddlerdom!
Friday, April 20, 2007
Thursday, April 19, 2007
it's funny how you can look into a mirror one day and not recognize the person staring back at you. i knew that having kids would change me but i had no idea that it would change every facet of my life. the person that i once thought i wanted to be has been swallowed up by the new mommie me. this isn't all bad but sometimes i stop by the reflection staring back at me and wonder "who the hell is this?" all those things that i vowed to never do when i have kids are somehow happening.
the kids that would be off the teet by the time they had teeth, yeah right. at this rate i'll be lucky if abbie is off the boob by the time her permanent teeth come in. she'll be the only one in her graduating high school class who still breast feeds. i cross my fingers now when i'm out in public hoping that she wont start grasping madly at my chest. i know the looks women get when they nurse an older child. i used to be the one who would cast the first stone. but don't judge me. just because i can not only identify the teletubbies by name, i can also sing the intro song to the show doesn't mean that i'm any less human. did i mention that i'm only mere months away from purchasing my first mini van.
i've entered the mommie cocoon and it feels like any amount of cool i once had has now been replaced by a nursery rhyme singing, diaper changing, teletubbie watching person called mom. all the things i feared would happen when i was pregnant with abbie have come to fruition. at the end of the day les tells me of all his conquests of the day and i get to tell him enthralling stories of how paul pooped today and how abbie was fussier than normal. again i must ask "who the hell is this person?" this person is someone who loves her kids madly and even though she yearns for a more exciting line of work at times, she realizes that there really isn't anything more exciting than changing her child's poopy diaper who just happened to have beans for lunch.
Wednesday, April 18, 2007
nothing too exciting happened this Easter at the Brown household. just wanted to post some easter pics. we did get our car stolen but that's a whole other story. i was fired up at my ability to get two crying babies dressed in easter outfits without crying myself.