Friday, May 18, 2007

The Trap of Perfectionism

an hour ago my baby girl chipped her first tooth. her sweet innocent baby tooth, and it's my fault. abbie was playing by the edge of the bed and i was feeding paul and not really paying attention and she hit her poor sweet mouth on our bed frame and to add insult to injury fell off the bed. i feel like the worst mother in the world. what's worse is i want to call my husband crying but i can't. even if i don't think i'm a good mom, he still thinks i am. if i call him and let him know i just let his baby girl take a face plant off our bed will he still feel that way? i know he will but the stupid perfectionist that lives in my brain doesn't think so.

i've got to get over the fact that i can't do this job perfectly. i'm going to make mistakes and i hate it!! i hate every bit of it. this week has been the worst. i can't help thinking that i'm doing this all wrong. i try so hard not to appear like "june cleaver" yet i want that. i want to be perfect. i want to be a perfect wife, mother and christian. i can't and it drives me crazy and i can't stop the shame fest that goes on in my head.

i think the larger problem i'm struggling with is can God love this mess of a mom, wife, friend, and daughter? my head tells me yes, but my heart tells me no. somehow on my journey with Christ i stopped allowing Him to fix my mess and i've tried to do it myself. i guess at the beginning i had no other choice but to rely on Christ but as the journey continued on, i failed to see my need to let Christ do the work and i've taken control and it's not working.

the truth is i've sinned not by allowing abbie to fall off the bed but in the reaction i had to her falling. i've got to trust that God's grace is sufficient in my weaknesses. He loves my kids more than i ever could or will and He's got everything in control. it's not up to me to perfect or try to achieve righteousness on my own. it's something i will never accomplish and it's my attempt to become God.

i will close on this, philippians 1:6. it's a verse i somehow need to wrap my heart around.
"and i am sure that God, who began the good work in you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on that day when Christ Jesus comes back again."

Monday, May 14, 2007


i feel like i've read about a billion books about kiddos since i found out i was pregnant with abbie. some have been super helpful and others have just freaked me out. my hope in reading all those books has been to figure out how to do this parenting thing and how to do it well. my greatest desire as a parent other than not screwing up my kids is to figure out how to be a creative parent. i don't even know what that looks like but i know that i want it.

just yesterday my sweet little abbie started back talking. well, actually it was more like back grunting but it was defiance none the less. i have no idea how to handle this situation. i can't sit there and reason with her about her behavior and why it's not a good idea and why it wont fly in our family. honestly, what i really wanted to do was laugh. it really was kinda comical. i can't laugh everytime she acts inappropriately though either. i don't want to squash her from expressing how she feels either so i don't want to come down on her too harshly. i want our kids to be able to express how they are feeling, even if it is anger towards les and i, in an appropriate manner. i can't explain what appropriate is to a toddler and to her, grunting is pretty darn appropriate. so what are we to do? les and i have decided to just ignore it. we can't physically stop her from back "talking" and i think if it doesn't get her anywhere then hopefully it will stop.

i know this example is pretty silly but how do you learn how to become a creative parent? how do you learn how to parent each of your children in a manner that best suits them? abbie is such a sensititve girl and it doesn't take much; and paul, he's so intense and can be quite the little hothead and i know it's going to be something trying to parent him. i guess what's on my mind even more is how do you unlearn a parenting style that you were reared with? even if the style les and i adopt doesn't end up being all that creative, i do know i don't want to parent how my parents did. it comes so natural to parent that way though. what's a parent to do? where can i go to get parented on how to parent? who came up with the term parent anyway? and i digress...

Wednesday, May 09, 2007

I Love Me Some Naptime!

as a kid i fought taking naps like it was the most horrible thing in the world. if only i had known then what a wonderful gift taking a nap was for my mother or how much i'd desire to take a naps when i got older, i might not have fought them so much.

i've felt horrible thinking this the last several weeks but i think i enjoy my kids the most when they are sleeping. naptime by far is one of my favorite things. most days i get a chance to at least catch a wink or two myself. other days i just lie inbetween both of my kids and relish every moment of being a mom. everything is peaceful when it's naptime. there's no crying, no whining, nothing being torn up, no new messes being made, and no new guilt or feelings of inadaquacy about being a mom. instead, i get to hear them breath and smell their intoxicating baby breath and feel for at least that moment that i can protect them from whatever the world may fling at them. during these quite times, i love to stare at my sleeping beauties and reflect on how marvelous God is and what an absolutely amazing Creator He is and just how good He has been to me. then as quickly as the magic of naptime ascends it is over.

i sometimes feel guilty about not using naptime as a time for me to be uber productive. a time to clean things and fix things and just gets things done. i question when i'm gonna suck it up and get abbie to sleep in her crib during naptime. the truth is, those things maybe great for super mom but i have to come to grips that as much as i'd like to be her i can't. i don't want to miss out on getting some much needed rest myself and i would miss the baby breath and the snuggles way too much. for now, i'll just have to suck it up and risk feeling lazy in order to hold on to one of my most favorite times of the day.