Thursday, November 29, 2007

SCARY MARY

thanks to having two kids this made me pee my pants.

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

INTO THE LIGHT

my name is desirea brown and i am a believer who struggles with isolation. isolation. what a personal hell isolation can be. i am ashamed to even admit that it took me until this past year to realize the extent of my struggle with isolation and that it was even sinful. i just thought i struggled with depression and it was just something that happened as a result. it's really the other way around. i struggle, i isolate and that leads to depression.

since trying to abandon everything and follow Christ i've been in community. for whatever reason, there is something different about community at watermark. i think part of it is that it's modeled at the top. todd is not only in community with the staff but he also surrounds himself with men that will call him on the mat for things. he gives his wife numbers of men to call just in case she feels she isn't being heard by him. i've never seen another pastor do this to this capacity. he is also open to his congregation about what he struggles with. i've deifnaltey seen pastors do this in the past. one that i love who on a regular basis talk some of his struggles at home. his desire to be a better husband and father. this was so knew to me when i first heard it. wow a pastor being real! the problem was when i heard the same thing over and over again. then i began working on staff and saw the late hours he would always put in. at one point i remember thinking why aren't you doing anything about it? if you want to be a better husband and father GO HOME! i know this was a struggle for him for whatever reason. what is crazier to me is why nobody else on staff ever told him to GO HOME. why would nobody hold him accountable? why would nobody help to sharpen him so that he could become the husband and father that God created him to be? i've also seen the lets be transparent BUT what is shared is held against you somehow. all this stuff is part of living in a fallen world. one the reason so many people cringe at being transparent and real is because they fear being hurt or rejected. we are such a hurting and broken world. i've discovered one of the reasons i isolate is not because i fear getting naked in front of others, i fear that nobody really cares.

somehow when i began ministry i held this belief that i needed to have it all together. i so didn't have it together and i still don't. i didn't feel like i could let on to this yet inside felt like i was the only one who was this screwed up. why does everyone else have it figured out but me? at watermark they expect you to not have it together. if we did, we would have no need for a Savior. at watermark our pastor not only states that he doesn't have it all together he tells everyone openly what he struggles with. lust, pride and control are a few of them. oh, he struggles with lust? not sure if he should be the pastor then. if that was the case then nobody would ever become a pastor. we all struggle, it's how we struggle that matters. at watermark the catch phrase is "struggle well." i feel like i'm finally learning what that means. it's not about being perfect which i so desperately long to be it's about becoming more and more like Christ. the truth is i can't even do that right. i NEED Christ to help me to become like Him. duh! but until starting CR my heart didn't get that. i struggled so much with step 3. turn your will over to God. i wanted to do that but didn't know how. now i've discovered there is no steps 1 to 5 to follow in order to do this. all you have to do is be willing to let God take your struggles. it's amazing what God will do with a heart that is willing.

last week i took a crack at being completely vulnerable. i shared my current struggles with my husband, with my CR group and a few other friends. an amazing thing happened the moment i opened up and was willing to share more than just "i'm struggling right now." darkness can not hide in what is brought out into the light. satan lost his control over my thought life in that moment and i was able to see our situation through the eyes of another. i've learned winning the battle doesn't always look like what i expected.

Thursday, November 15, 2007

RANCHIFIED


i think i'm going to have a picky eater on my hands. you couldn't tell from paul's beefcake status but if it's not fruit, it's hard to shove down his throat. last night as i was dining one of my favorite food groups, ranch, i thought i might as well try to get paul's life long addiction started early. i poured some ranch into his turkey fancy pants dinner and he went nuts! i think if i would have let him, he would have eaten the jar. this goes to prove my point that anything with a little ranch can taste good.

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

IT'S HAPPENING!






abbie and paul are beginning to actually play with one another. they can sit together and entertain each other for almost a half hour! this bodes well for getting more stuff done around the house and for the enterance of trace brown onto the seen. plus it's so cool to see my kids loving on each other!

PAGAWEEN











halloween is pagan but holy smokes is it ever fun!!! this year abbie and paul played with meemaw and peepaw at an assisted living home. it was fun seeing all the other kiddos dressed up in their pagan fair but i wished i would have had more time for abbie and paul to really kick it with some meemaws and peepaws. there is so much to learn from people who have lived so much life.

abbie had fun "helping" her dad carve a jackolantern, or should i say pagalantern? at first i was bummed at how we got cheated out of a pumpkin full of yummy pumpkin seeds. after smelling them, i was happy i would only have to smell them on lester's breath for a day or two.

halloween itself was a blast. one of our neighbors cued us in on a really awesome holy ghost fest and it was so much fun. i had fun hanging out with two other families from our apartment complex and the kiddos had a blast. i look forward to using halloween as a way to reach out to my future neighbors next year.

there is a part of me that hates making such a big deal out of halloween BUT it's so much fun. i wont ever let my kids dress up as a bloody gorey zombie but what's the harm in letting them cut out a neck hole and some arm holes in a white trash bag and letting them be white trash for halloween? bring on the pagan christmas tree!!!

Sunday, November 11, 2007

THEY'RE HERE!

my friends hem, roid and heart burn have arrived. can't wait till stretch and mark get here too! pregnancy. good times!