Sunday, August 31, 2008


I have no idea why I'm counting down the weeks till I'm done with
Shelter. I wish going to this group would be a quick fix. Fourteen
hard weeks and then a shiny new life guaranteed upon completion. There
are no true quick fixes in life, only patches that we all know leave
us longing for more in the end.

To be honest I haven't even stuck my toe in the water yet. I think
this might be the sort of deal where I am forced to just dive into the
icy cold water. Gotta know I'm excited about that!

Right now though uncomfortable and a bit anxious I've been reminded
of how far God has taken me. Its the calm before the storm and the
hope that hopefully will carry me through.
Please help remind me of this hope when I begin to panic in that icy
cold water. The thought of just me and the Lord with out any of my
once beloved crutches is a bit intimidating. Week three here we go!

Sent from my iPhone


This weekend we made baked goods to take to the neighbors. I had been
coveting a certain someone's sweet street (cough, Sundee, cough cough)
and realized this weekend that my own street has potiential. I had
been bummed that there was a lack of kiddos on our street. While out
and about passing out goods on Saturday I found out there are several
families with kiddos and several with or baking babies. I cant forget
the fact that there are several sweet mee maws and pee paws too!

These are the times I want to kick myself in the pants. So much
opportunity literally on my door step. I look forward to doing some
neighborly outreach and a possible playgroup on the Lowell lane strip.
Maybe my blog readers will start coveting the community that gets
rolling on my sweet street.

Thursday, August 28, 2008


He shalt now be called Pancake. Poor kid gets smushed constantly by
his older siblings. Good thing this kid is built like a tank.


This is Abbie trying to wear boots three sizes too small. She is such
a girl!


Friday, August 22, 2008


This past Monday I started Shelter from the Storm. The past week and a
half has been marked by crazy joy, anxiety, and just an overall
feeling of oppression. The other night I did my homework and it was
crazy to see how far God has taken me over the years. This weeks
homework was about a support team.

Right around the time Les and I started dating I was in a Christian
bookstore and the Shelter book almost attacked me while I was there. I
took it as a hint and decided to work through it, ALONE. After working
through the first week and realizing I needed to tell someone I
reluctantly told my small group at the time and Les. It was so scary
and incredibly painful to tell anyone what I was doing. This time
around I told people and asked for prayer prior to even jumping in.

Looking back the last time I tried to get through this study, I never
did by the way, I was a wreck. Lots of tears and several freak outs
and meltdowns. Gods hand was with me every step of the way though. I
seem to get blurry vision and forget His distinct guidance during
times like those. These experiences are over shawdowed by the numerous
times I was dropped by my parents growing up.

God has grown me a ton since the last time I started Shelter. He's
grown my relationship with Les a ton since then. I'm so thankful for
the story has written in my life and look forward to the story he
continues to write with me, Les and my kids.

Hanging on to this renewed hope to see me through the next thirteen
weeks. CR on crack here we go!

Sent from my iPhone


This may sound horrible but I'm really thinking I'm gonna have to have
a dud or I'm gonna want to keep riding the baby train. There is
something about three months that causes pregnancy amnesia. All you
preggos out there call me up and start complaining. Don't bother if
you are about to pop one out, it gets me way too fired up.

After giving birth to Luke my framework of pregnancy has changed. I
used to think baking the baby was for the birds but birthing the baby
was where it was at. It's the nine months of carrying the baby,
feeling it move, it making you sick that makes their birthday so
amazing. Even in the curse of having painful childbirth God makes it
all the more amazing. It's in the pain and sacrifice that makes birth
so amazing. It's in the pain and sacrifice of raising kids that
teaches us how to love our children. It's in the pain that makes Gods
love for us so real. Blown away again by Gods plan and design for our

Tuesday, August 12, 2008


I'm a feet dragger. I'm the kind who prays for guidance, gets an
answer but keeps praying for guidance because I don't like the answer
I get.

A couple weeks ago I went to CR and a gal spoke on her process of
healing. She completed CB but still kept hitting a wall. She didn't
break through that wall till she dealt with a specific issue in her
life. For her, she needed healing from a past abortion. It resonated
with me. I'm a CR "grad" but I still keep hitting a wall. My wall is
pasted sexual abuse. It's the thing I try to minimize. It's no big
deal, I'm fine. I'm not fine and there is a part of me that is still
full of rage. It's hidden deep, so deep I hardly know it's there. But
it's there and it's a cancer eating away at my soul. I'm tired of
carrying around the root of bitterness and rage. I'm tired of desiring
true intimacy with others but failing to achieve it fully due to lack
of trust. I'm tired of not being able to experience the fullness of God.

I'm here Lord. Bring it! I'm ready to tear it all down in order to
fully know who you are. I don't like that CR wasn't the all
encompassing fix I was looking. I'll finally stop dragging my feet and
waiting for the neon sign to drop on my head. I'll go to Shelter and
have you calm the storm that brews in my heart that only you can

Sent from my iPhone

Monday, August 11, 2008


Alright folks here it is. I'm so sick of dealing with body image
issues that here it is in all it's glory. Unfortunately since the
camera on the iPhone is not all that great you fail to see the extent
of the saggy skin and beauty marks.
I would show you what else is drooping south for the winter but I'm
not that brave. I'm hoping to no longer fear what has been brought out
into the light.


What's up with the Brown boys are their biting ways? Don't bite the
boob that feeds you bub! So awesome you sprouted teeth at two months.

Sunday, August 10, 2008


I think the word that best describes three under three is exhaustion.
I fear it will be five years before Les and I ever sleep through the
night again.

Thursday, August 07, 2008


This makes it all worth it! Abbie reading to Luke. I love it when they
love on each other.

Wednesday, August 06, 2008


This afternoon Abbie points to Paul's little boy parts and says "maybe
one day I can get one of those."



Thank goodness kids are so sweet when they are sleeping! Took the
monkies to TRY to see Veggie Tales today but it didn't quite work out.
I really wanted to go to do something special for Abbie but she wasn't
having it today. I was completely frustrated with her today. I even
spanked her when I was angry which I hate. She definately needed one
but I shouldn't have been angry when I did it. This two business can
be so exhausting. It's hard to stop and respond to her need in the
moment instead of just reacting to her behavior. I don't want to
break her spirit but I do want to help squash the rebelliousness that
she possesses. I have that in me too. I'm a total rule breaker. I'll
follow the rules if they seem acceptable to ME but if I think they
aren't worth following, I usually don't. It's hard to see your own sin
in your child. It's crazy to be entrusted with helping to shape a real
live little human. Praying like mad not to vomit up my own junk on my

Tuesday, August 05, 2008


Thank you God for my amazing kids. Please forgive me for the times I
take them for granted and fail to see the beauty you created in them.
I am truly blessed beyond measure!



"maybe having a big sister DOES have it's perks."


Hey look mom I caught a smurf and it tasted gooood!

Monday, August 04, 2008


Nothing makes three under three more fun than a bad case of PMS,
because nursing hormones are just no fun by themself!