Monday, September 22, 2008
two weeks ago a light bulb went on. all the craziness of my past didn't happen in a vacuum. a lot of it was a symptom of my up bringing. i heard MY story coming from the mouths of other girls last week. i feel like i've been robbed. somehow it was different when I was to blame for all my past mistakes and decisions. i still made those decisions but it's almost as if for my entire life my hand has been forced. all this time i thought I was in control. i was clearly out of control but at least i thought that i was making the choice to be out of control. in many ways i feel like my entire life has been a sham. i'm even more screwed up than i ever dreamed i was. i feel like i never had a chance.
i'm so angry. all the bitterness and rage is up at the surface. i'm short with my kids and i'm transferring a lot of anger towards my husband. i am road rage central too. i hate this part! hate it! i am ready for God to come by and scoop up the anger. what's really awesome in all of this is teaching my kids to have a loving heart when i'm struggling like mad to have one myself. maybe that's the key though. maybe showing them that what God really wants from us, more than us being successful everytime, is being willing to fight for what He wants for us. God just wants us to be willing. i'm willing right now but i'm loosing. must remember it's all about the willingness.
at times the hopelessness of it all seems overwhelming. how can all of this be undone? how can i ever be who God created me to be? how is it possible to keep my kids from this legacy when all of this is so ingrained in me? i must cling to the truth. there is hope and God promises to make all the rough places smooth. He promises to remove ALL the shame from my youth. He has been so faithful and carried me this far and all i need to do is continue to be willing. an object that is being restored just sits there and the person restoring the object does all the work. all i have to do is just sit there. oh why is it so hard to just sit there?
friends i am nearing the meltdown. i'm hoping to not be out in public when it happens but i can almost guarantee i will totally be out and about. i'm sure God wants to help show me just how loved i really am. five weeks down seven more to go...
Friday, September 12, 2008
days when the whining is out of control I feel like I've been more in
control. I was trying to figure out the reason for the change and I
discovered its because of rest. I definately haven't been getting more
sleep, but I've been getting more breaks away from the kids. A couple
hours away is just what I need to stay on top of my game.
Some weeks my break is just going to Shelter. Although not a fun place
to be, I don't have to haul the kids with me and I'm doing something
for me. It's crazy how being able to just get into a car by myself can
be a break. I always feel selfish asking for a break but it actually
helps me become a more loving wife too.
I know not all husbands are good at giving breaks or are in need of
breaks themselves. Ladies let's united and be more diligent about kid
swapping! Let's encourage one another to be better moms and wives by
helping each other to get a break!
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
Brown I would totally be ready to roll to babytown already.
I'm obviously a little or a lot crazy but it's been fun times lately.
It's been wrestle mania around our house with Abbie and Paul and I'm
really starting to see benefits from having these anklebiters so close
together. Yes there is a screaming match at our house almost every
hour on the hour but all the giggling makes it worth it.
I think the biggest reason for the feva is I feel I'm finally gaining
ground on kicking mommy guilt to the curb. It's still a daily struggle
but the voices that tell me I'm totally screwing it all up are getting
quieter. It's hard to enjoy motherhood when the dang voices suck the
life out of all the enjoyable moments. Yesterday for the first time I
was actually able to say "I was created for this!" may not be huge to
some but in my book that is a huge victory. Step aside mommy guilt I
have three cute babies to enjoy.
Thursday, September 04, 2008
but I do. Luke has had blow outs like nothing I've ever seen before in
wimpy disposables. Cloth keeps his blow outs at bay. Even with a case
of the poo's this kid is blow out free!