Monday, September 22, 2008


cr on crack is kicking my bum. i'm on week five and the thought of this getting progressively harder each week is not fun. i'm already getting a case of the crazies. i got the crazies while doing fourth step in cr. i'm having a hard time distinguishing truth from lies, sorting everything out and i have an overall feeling of crappiness. i feel like everything around me is in chaos, especially the condition of my house and i can't seem to pull it together. in fact right now my house is a fabulous indicator of the condition of my heart. parenting is a struggle, married life is a struggle and just breathing is a struggle.

two weeks ago a light bulb went on. all the craziness of my past didn't happen in a vacuum. a lot of it was a symptom of my up bringing. i heard MY story coming from the mouths of other girls last week. i feel like i've been robbed. somehow it was different when I was to blame for all my past mistakes and decisions. i still made those decisions but it's almost as if for my entire life my hand has been forced. all this time i thought I was in control. i was clearly out of control but at least i thought that i was making the choice to be out of control. in many ways i feel like my entire life has been a sham. i'm even more screwed up than i ever dreamed i was. i feel like i never had a chance.

i'm so angry. all the bitterness and rage is up at the surface. i'm short with my kids and i'm transferring a lot of anger towards my husband. i am road rage central too. i hate this part! hate it! i am ready for God to come by and scoop up the anger. what's really awesome in all of this is teaching my kids to have a loving heart when i'm struggling like mad to have one myself. maybe that's the key though. maybe showing them that what God really wants from us, more than us being successful everytime, is being willing to fight for what He wants for us. God just wants us to be willing. i'm willing right now but i'm loosing. must remember it's all about the willingness.

at times the hopelessness of it all seems overwhelming. how can all of this be undone? how can i ever be who God created me to be? how is it possible to keep my kids from this legacy when all of this is so ingrained in me? i must cling to the truth. there is hope and God promises to make all the rough places smooth. He promises to remove ALL the shame from my youth. He has been so faithful and carried me this far and all i need to do is continue to be willing. an object that is being restored just sits there and the person restoring the object does all the work. all i have to do is just sit there. oh why is it so hard to just sit there?

friends i am nearing the meltdown. i'm hoping to not be out in public when it happens but i can almost guarantee i will totally be out and about. i'm sure God wants to help show me just how loved i really am. five weeks down seven more to go...


Chrys and Mike said...

oh, sweet friend. you are so loved.

i have no words. just know that you are loved.


Sundee said...

Here's to the 5 down, and here's to the 7 more. You are right where you are to be as wild as that sounds. He will bring healing. Only He can.

I am here. Anytime. All the time.
Love you, Desi.

Holly said...

Hey Desi I just want you to know that I am on the other side of that anger and have been in your shoes. There is an other side and its worth the struggle to get there! I found SO MUCH freedome from doing Shelter. I am praying for your sister.