Friday, October 10, 2008


Texas State Fair was once again a good time had by the Brown family. Kids had a great time and Les and I had fun eating some of the finer things in life dipped in batter and deep fried. Fried roll please: fried cheese cake, chicken fried bacon, cheesy corn dog, fried queso, and fried guacamole (x 3). It's so weird why this baby weight wont come off!

Paul joined Abbie in her love of the petting zoo and Luke replaced Paul in the baby carrier this year. I of course had the usual state fair coating of slime afterwards but had fun with the family. Look forward to the new fried delights in 09!!


On Tuesday Paul went poo poo on the potty for the first time. He used way too much toilet paper for me to get a shot of the actual deed. I can almost hear the sighs of disappointment. Hoping the cloth diapers will help make his potty training occur at a record speed. Trying not to get too excited and I have no plans of pushing him to train like I did his sister. I am fired up about the possibility of having a few less poopy diapers to clean.

Thursday, October 09, 2008


Can't take credit for the new nickname or for the new haircut. Luke
was feeling bad about his lack of a luxurious head of hair so Paul
decided to help a brotha out. Can't wait for the first looks of sorrow
from strangers.


Maybe it's not such a great idea to give a two year old cotton candy
first thing in the morning. I clearly can't think straight with my
state fair hang over.

Monday, October 06, 2008




this morning is one of those days where if it wasn't for my kids i would never have gotten out of bed. i probably wouldn't get out of bed tomorrow or the next day either. one of the most profound things i discovered doing shelter is that anger turned inward turns into depression. who knew? maybe this is one of the reasons why i have struggled off and on with depression. i can deny anger but it doesn't go away unless it's dealt with in a healthy way. dealing with emotion in a healthy way. this is a whole new ball game for me. i've stuffed, denied and minimized for so long. all the yuck is at the surface and people i do not like the yuck to be at the surface. who wants to sit in this nastiness? i don't want to go dunk in the poo invested jordan river like naaman did. yet, i will sit in my own personal jordan river and dunk as many times as it takes so that i too like naaman can walk out healed.

last week was not pretty. first off who knew assimilating back into reality after a fabulous family vacation would be so hard? last week the anxiety of being left alone with three kids was overwhelming. life was overwhelming. shame was overwhelming. it was all so overwhelming. friday rolled around and like a switch the anxiety and overwhelmingness of it all clicked off like a switch. the reason: family in town. as i write this a light bulb has just came on. the real reason i switch off those feelings and emotions was lack of trust. holy freaking cannoli!! this my friends is why i blog. i've always wondered why i switched on and off like that. the reason is trust and my lack of it. dunk! Jesus you are so faithful!

saturday was a first. i shared my story of abuse. unfortunately since i flipped the switch i told the story in third person. i had no real connection with it. at the time i can't say i was all too upset about being disconnected. a few days prior to saturday i realized the full extent of the shame and guilt i carry around. i felt like a little kid who wanted to cover their head or hide under a blanket. prior to sharing my story with my shelter group we watched a movie. the movie was about a woman who was miss america who told her story of abuse and her recovery. she kept saying her name "i'm maryann van debur atler, i am an incest survivor and i feel no shame." i look forward to the day when i can say "i'm desirea brown and i feel no shame."

saturday was a heavy day. although detached from my own story, the story of others grieved my heart. the room was thick with the stories of depravity and the the pain and brokenness it reaped in so many lives. as much as i want to look at this particular sin and separate it out from my own i can't. sin grieves God and Jesus bore that grief up on the cross. all too often i am way too busy holding on to shame and guilt to appreciate the price Jesus paid for me. Jesus paid it all, all to Him I owe, MY sin had left a crimson stain HE washed it white as snow. Oh praise the ONE who paid MY debt and raised this life up from the dead.

Surely our griefs He Himself bore, and our sorrows He carried... He was pierced through our transgressions, He was crushed for our iniquities;
Isaiah 53:4-5