Monday, October 06, 2008


this morning is one of those days where if it wasn't for my kids i would never have gotten out of bed. i probably wouldn't get out of bed tomorrow or the next day either. one of the most profound things i discovered doing shelter is that anger turned inward turns into depression. who knew? maybe this is one of the reasons why i have struggled off and on with depression. i can deny anger but it doesn't go away unless it's dealt with in a healthy way. dealing with emotion in a healthy way. this is a whole new ball game for me. i've stuffed, denied and minimized for so long. all the yuck is at the surface and people i do not like the yuck to be at the surface. who wants to sit in this nastiness? i don't want to go dunk in the poo invested jordan river like naaman did. yet, i will sit in my own personal jordan river and dunk as many times as it takes so that i too like naaman can walk out healed.

last week was not pretty. first off who knew assimilating back into reality after a fabulous family vacation would be so hard? last week the anxiety of being left alone with three kids was overwhelming. life was overwhelming. shame was overwhelming. it was all so overwhelming. friday rolled around and like a switch the anxiety and overwhelmingness of it all clicked off like a switch. the reason: family in town. as i write this a light bulb has just came on. the real reason i switch off those feelings and emotions was lack of trust. holy freaking cannoli!! this my friends is why i blog. i've always wondered why i switched on and off like that. the reason is trust and my lack of it. dunk! Jesus you are so faithful!

saturday was a first. i shared my story of abuse. unfortunately since i flipped the switch i told the story in third person. i had no real connection with it. at the time i can't say i was all too upset about being disconnected. a few days prior to saturday i realized the full extent of the shame and guilt i carry around. i felt like a little kid who wanted to cover their head or hide under a blanket. prior to sharing my story with my shelter group we watched a movie. the movie was about a woman who was miss america who told her story of abuse and her recovery. she kept saying her name "i'm maryann van debur atler, i am an incest survivor and i feel no shame." i look forward to the day when i can say "i'm desirea brown and i feel no shame."

saturday was a heavy day. although detached from my own story, the story of others grieved my heart. the room was thick with the stories of depravity and the the pain and brokenness it reaped in so many lives. as much as i want to look at this particular sin and separate it out from my own i can't. sin grieves God and Jesus bore that grief up on the cross. all too often i am way too busy holding on to shame and guilt to appreciate the price Jesus paid for me. Jesus paid it all, all to Him I owe, MY sin had left a crimson stain HE washed it white as snow. Oh praise the ONE who paid MY debt and raised this life up from the dead.

Surely our griefs He Himself bore, and our sorrows He carried... He was pierced through our transgressions, He was crushed for our iniquities;
Isaiah 53:4-5


Heather said...

This is going to be a time in your life you look back on as a pivotal turning point. I'm proud of you for the strength your drawing on from God. You are a powerful, courageous woman and inspiring me all these miles away. Love you, friend.

Tara said...

so sorry you are having to deal with all of the yuck but i am amazingly proud of you for doing so.
i absolutely love how open and honest you are all the time!
if i can help, please let me know. i have no clue.
love you!

Lindsey said...

Sweet friend, as you sit in the river of ickyness you are not alone. I'm so excited for your figuring out that on and off switch I've heard to talk about many times. Nahum 1:7 says "The Lord is good, a refuge in times of trouble. He cares for those who TRUST in HIM."

Erin said...

my friend~i am with you!

Angela said...

You are one of the most beautiful people I know. I can never completely understand you pain of guilt & shame. I wallow in my own too often hence the selfishness I keep to close. Christ did pay the price. It is hard to fathem. Thank you for raising me up & talking to me directly. I will walk this road with you however it is helpful.