Friday, November 28, 2008



Three days prior to Thanksgiving Les and I decided to do a little
oatmeal, rice and beans experiment leading up to the holiday. We only
made it two days since the shock of only rice and beans caused major
intestinal discomfort. I think my nose hairs may be synged for life.
Okay so maybe we are a bit whimpy with only two days but this minor
experiment made Thanksgiving all that more meaningful to me.

My definition of the word starving is so messed up. So often I open
the fridge or pantry and decide that there is no food to cook for
dinner. Oh how deceived I've been. I'm thankful that I never have to
put my babies to bed hungry. I'm thankful that I can go to sleep at
night and not worry about people barging in with guns who would hurt
me and my family. I'm thankful I'm not in an IDP camp. Im thankful I'm
an American. I'm thankful for sweet friends who invited us into their
family for Thanksgiving this year. I'm thankful for a church who isn't
about just saving lives but who is passionate about changing lives.
I'm just so thankful!

I think we will make a week of beans and rice the week leading up to
Thanksgiving a Brown Family tradition. Next year I have a feeling I'll
be even more thankful for the gianormous bottle of Beano I'm going to
buy before that week begins!

Thursday, November 27, 2008


Ultimate Fluff Friday


until having the pleasure of experiencing it first hand as a mom, i had absolutely no idea how incredibly disgusting children could be. i knew the word messy went along with children but i had no idea that i would ever some day pair the word children with disgusting. not a day goes by that i am not at some point coated with some sort of bodily fluid. i didn't quite realize that this was part of the job description as a mom. i now wear my snot spots and spit up stains as a proud badge of motherhood. i'm over this unexpected surprise. what still amazes me is the things my kids will put into their mouths and what they are willing to stick their tongues on. i am definitely no longer a paci washing mom. if it falls on the floor who cares? they'll just find something even more foul and disgusting to put into their mouths later on. i'm learning to come to grips with even this fun part of childhood. what is harder to swallow is the fun experiments children begin to try. i'm talking about the disgusting experiments. the past couple weeks my oldest child has found the pleasure of peeing in random different objects around the house. i wish it ended at that. the child has been found playing in the pee that is in the random object. thankfully it was pee and not the other glorious thing that children like to play with. all i can do is laugh and surrender to the fact that kids are just flat out disgusting little creatures. these little creatures are flat out wonderful too. wonderfully disgusting. my children are wonderfully disgusting.

Saturday, November 22, 2008


halloween proved to be another hit for the brown family. the kids got great use out of their costumes this year and got to wear them three days in a row. thank you WM, church in allen, and caleb!! we decided to really get into the halloween theme this year by letting our carved pumpkin rot and decay on our fireplace. the mess was quite scary!


the past couple weeks i've been challenging myself to label my emotions. i'm awful at this and it's a frustrating task. who knew you had to be taught how to feel, how to label and express emotions. hopefully if anything this will help me to be diligent about teaching my kids how to connect with their feelings.

this past week has been a struggle. i've been ANGRY. rage is probably a better word to label how i've been feeling. the verse "Be angry, and yet do not sin. Ephesians 4:26" keeps rolling around in my head. i am failing miserably at this.

i knew i was broken prior to really digging into shelter but i had no idea the extent. i am one sick puppy. i am so grateful Jesus has opened my eyes to my own dysfunction. it's painful to look at and at times it's completely overwhelming. i have found that this is the place that anger has fueled my cause. i refuse to sit and function out of this bull crap any longer. hebrews 12:1 has been the anthem that keeps spurring me on.
Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Hebrews 12:1
people i am gonna throw it all off with the help of King Jesus! i am ready to have a nakey freaking parade and i am going to run as hard and as long as the Lord will allow me.

this morning i was angry and i was sinning up a storm in my anger. i was in the parking lot of walmart and i would have paid any price to convert my momma mobile into a moster truck so i could run over a peepaw in a red mustang. as the Lord slowly softens my heart, He's molding that anger into something else. tonight i feel like i'm dying. i'm not sure if the word dying qualifies as an official emotion word but it's the best way to describe how i'm feeling. i'm dying and this is exactly where i'm supposed to be.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008


i thought she had left but she's come back to visit. i never knew this child existed until i discovered her the first time i tried to do shelter, alone. she has been living in a box. i shoved her in it years ago. she's the abandoned child, the neglected child, the hurting, invisible and forgotten child. unfortunately, she's brought IT back with her too. the shadowy thing that makes my blood run cold with fear and dread. it bothers me most at night. i can almost feel it. it causes the hair on the back of my neck to rise and at times the fear is choking. it too is the forgotten thing. it's the person i'm uncertain of, it's the memories i can't remember. it waits and lurkes and is ready to pounce.

the child screams on. this time she screams words. "I HATE YOU!" i can't figure out who she hates. is it me? is it my step father? or does she hate it, the things i can't remember? she can't hate my neighbor. i still carry the burden for that, so it can't be him.

it must be me. I must be the one she hates. i want her to stop screaming. i want to shove her back in the box where she belongs. i hate her too. i hate the screaming child. even if i shove her where she belongs, she'll still be here. she's always here whether i hear her or not. i must learn to acknowledge the screaming child. listen to the child. love the child. after all, she is just a child and that's all she has ever wanted.


Wednesday, November 12, 2008


the last week i've been dwelling on the presidential election and my lack of exercising my freedom as an american to vote. my excuse was voter apathy. processing it all now and digging into what our new president stands for i realize why God hates people who are lukewarm. 15 I know your deeds, that you are neither cold nor hot. I wish you were either one or the other! 16 So, because you are lukewarm—neither hot nor cold—I am about to spit you out of my mouth. revelations 3:15-16 apathy is passive sin. apathy is laziness. apathy is something that has kept me chains.

voting in this past election wouldn't have changed the outcome BUT it would have been an act of taking a stand. my vote wouldn't have been a vote for a tired and somewhat uninspiring party BUT it would have been a vote against a man who has no regard for the sanctity of human life. what i have been uncovering about our future president grieves my soul. i grieve for america. i grieve for my children and the future that they have in store for them. i grieve for the shedding of innocent blood. i grieve...

apathy hasn't just affected my view of politics, it's affected my life. how many times have i sat back and said nothing when i should have stood for justice? how many times have i withheld the gospel message because that person wont ever change? how many times have i not sat down to talk it out with God? how many years have i sat in my junk and dysfunction because i just wouldn't deal with it? it grieves my soul...