Friday, January 30, 2009


Just got all the paperwork for our gladney adoption application not
including the paperwork we need for our dossier. I wasn't nauseous
before but I sure as heck am now! This kinda feels like studying for
finals. Too bad I can't just cram it all in an all nighter.
Sent from my iPhone


Last week Paul got an ear infection and learned how to affectively
communicate it hurts. He's also discovered, post infection, that
saying it hurts had gotten him a lot of attention. There has been lots
of things this past week that has caused him to say it hurts.

I am reluctant to say when things hurt. I don't want things to hurt. I
have tried the magority of my life to run away when it hurts, deny
when it hurts, and mask the pain when it hurts. When I peel back the
anger, it hurts. It hurts. What is this salty discharge that has begun
to fall from my eyes?

Tuesday, January 27, 2009


I know the Lord is always with me. I will not be shaken, for he is right beside me. Psalm 16:8

this year i long to understand God the way david did. i long to be the kind of woman who is not shaken even in moments of grief and sorrow.

Monday, January 26, 2009


shelter starts back up next week and i'm already beginning to get a case of the recovery blahs. i'm excited to see what else God strips away this semester but i'm also nervous by what that means. last semester i was protected by my shield of anger. that has slowly been stripped away and the next step is grief. i want to welcome the tears but at the same time i am terrified of them. being disconnected has served me "well" the last 29 years. here's to the painful process of peeling back yet another layer and the joy and beauty that lies on the other side.

Sunday, January 25, 2009


friday officially began our paper chase to adoption. we hunted down government offices to get certified copies of birth certificates and marriage certificates. we also sent in the form to receive our official application for adoption. i'm a little overwhelmed by all the crazy paperwork that is before us but am confident the money will all work out somehow. les is confident about the paperwork but a little overwhelmed by the money part. as usual team brown is in effect. we are going to do our best to knock out the paperwork we can do as fast as possible. there are many crazy steps to getting our application completed as well as our dossier and even if we do our part quickly we still have to wait on numerous government officials to get their part done. here begins the waiting and the start of yet another brown adventure.

Saturday, January 24, 2009


So many things in life are bitter sweet. My kids growing up is
definately one of those things. Abbie can completely get herself
dressed now. It is so much easier not having to get three kids dressed
two times everyday. She has crossed over into the world of being a
little girl. According to her she is now a big girl. Watching her do
all her big girl things is so much fun. She's all things princess. I
once thought I wouldn't know what to do with this type of little girl
but I adore it! I love this new stage big girl stage but there is a
sting that comes with it. Although Abbie will always be my baby girl
she will never be a baby again. It's so bitter to know how fast it
flies by but it's so sweet to watch her grow into the little girl God
created her to be.

I once heard a parent say having kids just gets better and better. At
the time I couldn't phathom how such a thing could be true but it does
just get sweeter with time. It gets physically easier too but mentally
more exhausting.

I write all this as I grieve over an empty bed during nap time. I
started napping with Abbie early on. I was pregnant and tired and if I
napped with her, she would sleep longer. Once Paul was born I just
threw him in bed with us. Six months later I was pregnant and tired
and we continued the naps in my bed. I never broke them of the habit
till this week. Having them all nap together in the same bed has
become more and more of a burden. Les and I finally decided enough was
enough. Our hope is this will help Paul stay in his bed at night too.
So far so good. They don't nap everytime but that wasn't happening
anyway. I miss it though. I miss snuggling and wrestling with my sweet
babies. This by far has been the hardest ritual to change. I know in a
few weeks I be wondering why I didn't do this a LONG time ago. But for
now I sit in the sad bitter and wait for the sweet.


All moms have momma bear mode. For some moms momma bear is always out
and for others she comes out when the cubs are in distress. Momma
bears are one of the toughest of all creatures. Momma bears will maul,
mangle or destroy ANYONE who even thinks of harming their children.
You don't want to mess with a momma bear.

This past Thursday I had the unfortunate experience of discovering
what it's like to have that momma bear response to my own child. The
irony of a momma bear turning on it's own offspring is absolutely
bizarre. I didn't even know it was possible, but oh dear mothers it is.

Thursday afternoon while outside in the backyard Abbie started playing
in a potted plant. I calmly asked her to stop. Something else caught
my attention and a few moments later I turn around to see why Paul is
wailing. Abbie thought it would be great to try to re-pot the plant on
Paul's face. His eyes were full of potting soil as well as his mouth
and his wails were turning into hysterics. I won't lie I wanted to
leap up and maul her. Instead I sent her to her room. She continued to
sit in her room until I managed to get Paul cleaned up and calmed
down. She was in her room for over an hour. As I consoled Paul all I
could do was pray that I wouldn't kill her and for grace and wisdom. I
finally calmed down enough to talk to her but it took hours for momma
bear to go back into hibernation mode. I know this is the first of
many occassions where my kids are going to seriously hurt each other.
These are the ocassions where I'll learn restraint like never before.

Tuesday, January 20, 2009



I love that it's not just Abbie who is sweet to babies around here!
Somebody even nursed elmo the other day. I promise not to tell when
you get older Paul.

Friday, January 16, 2009




Mom get this ridiculous thing off my head. As if it's not enough that
you constantly squeeze my thighs. Enough already woman!


paper pregnant that is! We passed the preapplication stage and next Friday we have a phone interview with Gladney to explain all the crazy paperwork we have ahead of us. So far, I'm feeling good, no nausia and we already know what we having.

Sent from my iPhone

Wednesday, January 14, 2009


These brown boys are already starting to wrestle. Abbie isn't scared
to get in the middle of a wrestling pile either. I have a feeling in a
year or two things could get pretty crazy around with two or three
wrestling brown boys and an instigating little girl.


I could eat up those fabulous thighs! Wish the fabulousness of chubby
thighs worked for grown women.


I think sometimes as a mom it's easy to loose perspective. I know personally I can get wrapped up in the never ending laundry, constantly dirty kitchen, snotty noses and temper tantrums. When this is all I see I loose view of the beauty of my job as a mother. I joke a lot about how "glamouros" my job must appear to others. When I look past all the exterior stuff, the muck and the mess, it is glamorous! When I stop watching the clock waiting for my husband to come home and help, I see beauty.

Yesterday I heard a woman share her story. She lost her daughter. The
message was sad but full of hope. Through Christ we can conquer all,
even the grave. If we knew we only had a short amount of time to be
with our kids we would embrace every moment. The reality is the time
we have is short. So for today I have a new perspective. For today I
will embrace the joy of motherhood and look beyond the trivial.

Tuesday, January 13, 2009


if i've learned one thing as a mom it's to never say never. my child will never be one of those kids walking around with a pacifier. well, i was kinda right. according to my kids it's not a pacifier, it's a poppy.

Wednesday, January 07, 2009


we've decided on an agency and the winner is gladney. the other agency was equally as awesome but lacked experience in ethiopia. lack of experience seems to be the reason why the wait time from referral to finalization of the adoption is so much longer. we know that anything is possible and a long waiting period can happen even with a more experienced agency. however, we want to remove as many obsticles as possible. our preapplication for gladney is done and now we wait for the next steps.

Saturday, January 03, 2009


Thankful for the spring day that got lost in the middle of winter
today and that my kids have a Daddy whose lap is one of the best seats
in the house even for toe picking.


Curious how Luke maintains his fabulous thighs? It's leaves! The kid
won't eat real food but he'll gladly eat a leaf.


Can't wait for Paul to start sporting his tidy whities. Pinch! Pinch!

Friday, January 02, 2009