Monday, April 26, 2010

holy experience


this past week has been a beating. Bea ting! Yet this past week has been just the kind of week I needed to shake my out of my selfish funk. I can't say my day started off on the right path. It's been a hard weekend with a poor sweet sick husband. Some of you may be gasping right now with sympathy but please don't. I don't have one of those husbands who becomes an additional child to take care of when he's sick. In fact I learned just how much my man sucks it up in order to continue to serve his family. The truth is if Les wasn't as hands on as he is with the kids this family would flop. Flop is what I did all week long. The really sad thing is that this morning even though I had seen my husband suck it up and love the best he could all week long, all I could think about this morning while trying to get out of the door was "must be nice to take a shower every morning". It must be nice.
My selfishness can be astonishing at times. It is the biggest thief of my joy with my husband and my kids. I can't be thankful if I'm too busy looking to myself and upset about what I didn't get or about what I deserve. Tonight while putting the kids to bed together with my husband I saw for the first time in a couple weeks the sheer beauty of our loud, messy and sometimes chaotic family. I saw the five blessings that God has so graciously bestowed on me.

91. Bedtime cuddling and singing
92. A husband who pushes through and sucks it up even with pneumonia
93. A family with good health
94. Clean sheets
95. A little girl who yells "don't be mean to my brother!!" to other children being mean to her brother
96. My boys dimples
97. The sheer joy Abbie finds out of girlie things
98. That God joined Les and I together six years ago and I live him so much more than I did the day I married him.
99. That God doesn't kick my butt when I'm being a brat
100. For weeks that bring me to my knees that make the "good" weeks even more amazing
101. Friends pursuing adoption
102. Beautiful spring days
103. A playground I can walk to
104. The teenage girls that live on my street
105. The opportunity that awaits me everyday
106. The bond I see growing between my children that keeps getting stronger
107. My smoking hot husband
108. Team Brown and how thankful I am to be apart of it
109. That God promises to continue to grow me even if I'm kicking and screaming
110: ceiling fans

Monday, April 19, 2010

WRONG SIDE OF THE BED

holy experience


I can honestly say I've looked forward to writing this post all day. I've been battling a mean case of discontentment today. It's been like a thick black fog lurking around every corner. I don't know if this is caused by lack of sleep or the change in the weather but either way it's not a welcomed visitors. Discontenment is an igly beast and sucks the very life out of a room. I've prayed that God would take it away but there must be something He's trying to teach me by allowing it to stay. I hoping this post will be the pill I need to take away this butter taste of discontent.

61. Already being in bed at 8:30pm
62. The baby softness of Luke's skin
63. Sleep deprived husbands who rise early in the morning with a sick little babe.
64. A sweet friend who broke into my case of discontentment with the blessing of lunch and friendship
65. Burgers a la Frankles
66. The smell of cooking garlic
67. Sweet kisses from my little girl
68. Children wrapped up like burritos after baths.
69. Cute toddler bottoms.
70. My daughters love affair with collecting bugs
71. Watching my 1 year old run.
72. Rocking that 1 year old to sleep.
73. Hearing my son say "I love you too mom!"
74. Baby coos
75. Joshua's dimples.
76. Holding little hands
77. Onesies
78. Each day starts off fresh and new.
79. The sound of windchimes
80. Lazy weekends
81. Playing outside w/ my family
82. The new fish family
83. Coming home late and finding my daughter eating chips on my bed
84. Girls nights out
85. My boys new summer haircuts
86. Late night chats with Les
87. Gods constant reminder of His faithfulness
88. A sleeping baby on my lap
89. Bathing my kids in the kitchen sink
90. That this list was exactly what I needed

Monday, April 12, 2010

ADOPTION PART TWO

holy experience


Today we got the okay to continue our adoption journey with Gladney. We are very excited about jumping back into our paper pregnancy. Maybe I can loose some weight first trimester. I think the full realization that Les and I are going to trust God for the provision of this adoption became very clear tonite. It's easy to talk about trusting God with provision if you don't really need His help. Although we both like to be extremely independent and self sufficient we look forward to jumping in feet first in trusting God to provide. That leafs me to my list. Drum roll please!

31. Long evening talks with my husband.
32. Watching women take steps to claiming the freedom of Christ.
33. Little boy kisses.
34. Painting my little girl's toes.
35. Toilet paper.
36. Wipes.
37. Electricity
38. Chips and Guac
39. Clean sheets.
40. Fans.
41. Watching our new fish family.
42. Reliable transportation.
43. In the morning I'll be able to feed my kids breakfast.
44. Chicken nuggets.
45. My wonderful yet evil iPhone.
46. Library books.
47. My church.
48. Spring breezes.
49. Receiving flowers from my sweet girl.
50. Having my son bring me "tea" he's made.
51. An almost potty trained three year old.
52. Laying next to my hot husband.
53. I get to be apart of Brown Town
54. The beansprouts that are growing into plants.
55. A dishwasher.
56. Running water.
57. A flushable toilet.
58. That God makes things grow.
59. That Abbie thinks it's pretty cool that God know how many hairs are on her head.
60. That God knows how many hairs are on mine too.

Friday, April 09, 2010

IT STARTED UNDER THE GUISE OF DISCIPLINE

I started an experiment in discipline 28 days ago. I realized that my life lacked discipline. In an attempt to be more disciplined in spending time in God's word, I started emailing some friends about what I'd discovered in my time with God. My idea was to have them rip me a new one if I missed a day. What I'm starting to discover about this little experiment is that it had little to do with God wanting to teach me discipline and more about Him wanting to capture my heart. Below is what flowed out of my email tonite to my friends and what is finay beginning to sink into my heart. 

The picture of God's grace is overwhelming. I still struggle with understanding it. Nothing has been better for my messed up view of God than sitting at His feet. Even on the days when I've thought "Aw crap I need to send out my email" God has blessed my time with Him. How crazy is that!? He has blessed even the times I didn't want to be with Him. Who does that? A Father does, that's who.

I think Christians use the "I don't want to be a box checker" as an excuse not to be with God. I think we have the wrong view of what a box checker really is. I think a box checker checks the boxes because that's what a "good" Christian does. I've been checking the boxes because to put it bluntly I'm an ass. I forget about the goodness of God daily and the great lengths He has gone to show me His amazing love. Heck I'll probably forget about this the moment I stop writing this. I think God takes great delite in us when we die to ourselves and spend time with Him even when we don't feel like it. I think the litmus test to see if we've become a box checker or not is asking ourselves "do I feel like a good Cheistian after spending time in the Word or have I realized than I'm an even bigger ass than I thought I was?". I think if the latter is true have no fear you're not a box checker. It's viewing God's love for us and His goodness in the light of our depravity that forever changes us to want to be more like Him. 

Sent from my iPhone

Monday, April 05, 2010

ATTITUDE OF GRATITUDE

holy experience


alright so I'm jumping on the Multitude Monday bandwagon. I have to admit I'm a little intimidated by the whole thing. I'm so desperate to see the face of Christ more clearly this year that I'm jumping in!

1. Evening family outings to the library
2. Living in Richardson where there is an awesome library
3. Nursing a sweet baby to sleep
4. Baby breath
5. Watching my 4 month old discover his feet.
6. Hearing my daughter encourage her brother
7. Getting to stay in pj's past 5pm
8. Three day work weeks for my smokin hot husband.
9. Four sleeping children before 10pm.
10. Springtime breezes.
11. The sounds of crickets.
12. Open windows.
13. Deodarent.
14. Doors off bedrooms.
15. Vacation days.
16. Sweet friends.
17. 3 year old boys in tidy whities.
18. Watching wildman Luke fall asleep on his Daddy.
19. Watching my little girl in her father's lap.
20. A rockstar husband.
21. Chips and salsa.
22. A rockstar husband making homemade salsa
23. A costco membership.
24. Gianormous bags of chips.
25. Drinking sweet tea again.
26. The smell of garlic.
27. Cold beer.
28. Capris
29. Tank tops.
30. Stealing my husbands deodarant because mine doesn't cut it after winter.

Hmm... I like this. My my heart feel warm and fuzzy.

Friday, April 02, 2010

BROKEN

It's hard to read the story of the death and resurrection of Christ
and not come out broken. The brokeness I'm speaking of is not in
spirit but in the realization that I make it so much more complicated
than it has to be. After reading all that Jesus went through for me,
for my sin, I too want to lay down my life for Him.

"Yes Lord Jesus take it all. Take my everything, my essence, my being,
my very breath. It's all yours anyway."

It's so crystal clear to me right now and my focus is uncanny. Yet
even as I write this, the sharpness, the clarity begins to get fuzzy.
I'm distracted. The things of this world, the drama I create,
myself... I am distracted by the noise, the run around, the race. How
could I ever be distracted by the knowledge of the cross?

I know the story. Yet I can be so numb and callouses to it. I take the
suffering and the agony, the very blood shed for me, for granted. I
won't be able to live the radical life for Christ I desire to live
until this story is not only etched in my mind but it's very meaning
penetrates every fiber of my being. It's slowly becoming more and more
real to me.

Christ died for me. I didn't just get lumped into the mix with
everyone else. He died for me. I can't seperate myself for those who
killed Christ either. I would have easily spat in His face or nailed
His hand to the cross. In fact, I have. Even in those moments when I
more than deserved to be struck down, Jesus said " Father forgive her,
for she knows not what she does."

Jesus there are no words to express my gratitude for what you've done
for me. May the message of the cross seep into every fiber of my
being. May it penetrate the depths of my heart and forever change me
to be more like you.

Sent from my iPhone