Thursday, January 19, 2012

DAY 544: MATT 14

In a crazy hormonal fog still. I can't click my brain on, still feeling flat and fighting flares of insecurity. Hate that feeling like a fluffy slob is messing with me. I don't want my security to be grounded in what I look like but feeling very haggish. This is bleeding into other areas as well. I don't like being in this place but it's good. It's humbling and it helps keep me tethered to my Savior. When I think about it that way it's pretty awesome!

Aunt Flo has officially arrived. I wasn't sure at first but there's no doubt now. This officially rules out continuing adoption with Gladney in my mind. My hubs might have other opinions and i have placed all future adoption decisions fully into his hands. I wish this meant I could stop hashing out our future in my mind but haven't yet been able to do that. I know MY plans are futile but in my flesh I want to try to figure it out.

I think the problem is that I'm weary of trying to figure out this whole baby prevention thing. All of this is total tmi but it's a reality. I wish it was as simple as just use this or that but it's not. Thanks to wonderful genetics I've inherited sensitive skin which is gradually getting worse as I get older. This unfortunately poses a problem in this arena. I feel like another baby at this moment might send my husband into cardiac arrest. Don't get me wrong he loves our babies and is an incredible husband and father but he's had to pick up much slack and love a crazy wife the last nine months. Throw in the adoption piece and I have a really hard time not trying to figure all of this out. I hear God beckoning me to trust Him but in my post hormonal insanity I'm having a hard time not looking at all the circumstances and trying to solve the puzzle. Thankful that this is the "problem" I've been obsessing about. I have so very much to be thankful for.

MATT 14:
I've read this section of scripture (vs 1-12) a number of times and it has never punched me in the gut like it has today. Herod kills John the baptist because he is loose with his lips and because he's too prideful to fix his mistake and do the right thing. Herod's step daughter dances in front of him and he carelessly offers to give her whatever she wants. I've definitely offered my kids things I've had to go back on. I when I do this. I want my yes to be yes and my no to be no. Hopefully I'll learn to be slower to speak so that I can become better at being able to keep my word.

Herod's daughter come back to him requesting the head of John the Baptist.

The king was very upset. But he thought of his promise and his dinner guests. So he told one of his men to give her what she asked for. (Matthew 14:9 NIRV)

In my pride it's easy for me to think Herod is a loser for not being willing to look foolish and go back on his word to give her anything. He's the king who cares what the dinner party guest thought about him. As if I'm better than Herod. As if I'm never concerned about what other people will think. What a load! I don't what to care what other people think and often I try to pretend that I don't care what other people think but I do! The truth is I want to be liked. I want my opinion to matter and be valuable. I want to be included. I don't to be thought of as a joke or whatever else. I hate admitting this. I hate that I still search for my value and worth from other people. I hate that wanting people to like me makes me vulnerable to be hurt. I hate that I still look to other things rather than God to search out my value and worth.

Think I may stop here for today. Stripping down the "tough" girl image is not easy for me. I think it's even harder to admit to myself. I'm fine with getting naked but not sure what else will come out today and this 20 plus pound spare tire is not pretty.


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