Friday, November 30, 2012

DAY 838: REV 14

Felt kinda crummy today. Dizzy, foggy headed, and now my stomach is going nuts. I'm sure my week of serious lack of sleep has not helped a thing. Struggled today with desiring to accomplish things on my to do list and desire to just be with my kiddos and play. I snuggled while watching a movie with my boys for a bit but then got lost in Jesse Tree Mania. My big boy wanted me to snuggle tonight but I declined. I know I'm going to kick myself for all those missed opportunities one day. There is always so much tension between things that are temporal verses things that are eternal.

One of my boys is under the weather. I always get nervous about him not acting quite himself. He's the silent sufferer and the one that I still fear loosing. That kid is still very much on his own plan but been seeing more and more beautiful qualities pop up in that kid. I fear my anger in his earlier years may have caused wounds on his sweet sensitive heart. I can only pray that God will heal and bind up any hurts I caused that are unknown to me. Love that precious boy.

After our upcoming staycation I plan on taking a break on our scheduled school plan and do a unit study. Think it will be good to shake things up a bit.

REV 14:
Read. Check. Zzzxzz.

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Thursday, November 29, 2012

DAY 837: REV 13

Baby cakes got up in the wee hours of the morning and crawled back and forth from me to her beloved dada. Wish I hadn't been so crazy tired or else I would have really enjoyed some bonus solo time with baby pipsqueak.

Dizzy Magoo right now so this will be shorter than expected. The words patient endurance have popped up several times now. I prayer that I would learn to suffer with patient endurance knowing my reward does not lie on this side of heaven.

The descriptions of hell sound awful in this chapter.

he, too, will drink of the wine of God's fury, which has been poured full strength into the cup of his wrath. He will be tormented with burning sulfur in the presence of the holy angels and of the Lamb. And the smoke of their torment rises for ever and ever. There is no rest day or night for those who worship the beast and his image, or for anyone who receives the mark of his name." (Revelation 14:10, 11 NIV84)

If this doesnt spur me on to share Christ with others than I don't know what will.


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DAY 836: REV 13

More struggle today trying to get my offspring to clean up their mess. Nice box of stuff ready to go to Goodwill tomorrow. At least if all their stuff gets taken away there will be no more struggle over cleaning. Other than that these Brownies were pretty enjoyable. Lots of silliness through out the day and we got up on my boys top bunk and pretended to be in a covered wagon while I read Little House. Those kids did chores without fussing and they had no toys! Call me Ma and slap me silly.

Chatting with a sweet friend tonight about everything under the sun, school being one of them. I'd consider myself an internal processor but there is something great about talking things out too. Today Abbie threw down the school is boring bit. I am crazy torn over this whole school thing. I'm on this Classical Education track which is great but still reeling over the talk I heard several months ago. It really smashed my schooling framework. How I'm going about schooling my kids doesn't exactly match up with my goals. It's like I have these goals yet my desire to have my kids stack up to their peers and lets be honest outperform their peers I've let that drive the course of our school experience. My number one goal is to disciple these kids to grow up to be passionate and devoted followers of Christ. Revelation 13 does not give a pretty picture of what will happen to the saints when the beast rules the roost. I want my children to be willing to die by the sword. Heck. I want to be willing to die by the sword. This has got to be the number one goal for my kids.

Almost 1, I'm out. Rev 13 is incredibly intense.


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Wednesday, November 28, 2012

DAY 835: REV 12

Jesse Tree Ornament exchange tonight. It blessed my socks off. Good time on the way there and back thinking and praying. The swap itself was pretty incredible. It was a beautiful reminder of how God is in all the details of our story. Every single last detail thought out and set into motion. It blows me away.

Been thinking more about what it means to find complete satisfaction in Christ. If everything was taken away from me would God be enough? It would be hard to give thanks to God and not be tempted to be bitter if everything I hold most dear on this earth was stripped away. If God isn't enough for me then there is not a problem with God but rather there is a lack of how much I know God. I want to intimately know the God I love and long to serve.

Therefore, I urge you, brothers in view of God's mercy to offer your bodies as living sacrifices - holy and pleasing to God, this is your spiritual act of worship.

In view of God's mercy. I want to know and personally be able to experience the fullness of God and His mercy. I may never be able to do that this side of heaven but I sure want to try.

I made the kids go to bed today super early, like 4:30 early. They were defiant and refusing to obey and were running amuck. I wasn't angry but there was not much else left to do. I hate when they end up with a painful consequence that separates them from something fun or our family. I have done my kids a serious injustice as I've bailed them out or not followed through. I just want to be with them. It's crazy to think that's how God feels about us. He just wants to be with us and wants us to invite Him into all the minutia of our days. Even when we are rebellious He longingly waits for us. Why He would wait longingly for me I'm not sure but I'm so thankful.

Tonight I was with some faces that I love and now rarely see. There is a cost to this homeschool thing. I know this but I was faced with it tonight loud and clear. Some days I'd much rather be with my friends than my gaggle of children. Most days I'm thankful for the opportunity regardless of the cost.

REV 12:
Wowzers. This chapter is nuts. No clue what it all means. Will have to dig into
commentary but for tonight my eye lids are closing.


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Monday, November 26, 2012

DAY 834: rEV 11

I want to scratch my entire face off. I wish the Pacific Northwest was in Texas. I never felt better than when I lived there. Memories....

Today was much better than yesterday. Boys were crazy with a capital K but I was much less crazy. Thankful for yesterday for the much needed heart reset. Started school off the way I need to start every day, with the bible. If on a given day we don't cover anything other than God's Word than it is a success.

This morning was sweet in so many ways. I've been really missing teaching about some Jesus. Today while doing bible study with my kiddos they were tracking with me and I even got the familiar flushed and burning feeling that I sometimes get when I'm speaking. All that to say I feel like this morning was a gift. I've been yearning to teach about Jesus and my kids are finally at a point where I can do just that and exercise some of the gifts God has given me. I want a herd to teach!

My procrastinating self is wondering why I signed up to do this Jesse Tree Ornament Exchange. Getting a homemade boxed set of ornaments with be fantastic but the making of 26 ornaments myself is not so fantastic. However, with my procrastinating self I never would have done it on my own. Me and crafty are not BFF. If I had ample amounts of time maybe but crafting exhausts me rather than fills my tank.

REV 11:
This chapter is crazy. I want to dive deep and dig into commentary but ornaments call my name. Two things I find interesting. When the two witnesses die there is much rejoicing from people all over the world.

The inhabitants of the earth will gloat over them and will celebrate by sending each other gifts, because these two prophets had tormented those who live on the earth. (Revelation 11:10 NIV84)

This is just nuts to me. This is probably so wrong but I cant help but think about watching all those who celebrated after the election on tv. This celebrating changes quickly after a mere three and a half days later. God breathes the breath of life back into the witnesses and then calls them to heaven. An earthquake hits that kills 7,000 people. Finally people's attention is captured.

At that very hour there was a severe earthquake and a tenth of the city collapsed. Seven thousand people were killed in the earthquake, and the survivors were terrified and gave glory to the God of heaven. (Revelation 11:13 NIV84)

God's heart even in all this suffering and judgement is to turn hearts back to Him. This is the reason why God has yet to unleash His wrath and His fury. When things like the happenings in the Congo happen I'm reminded that this is the reason Jesus is not here yet. He wants as many of His children to be with Him in heaven. In some ways it's almost better for things to get worse. I had a friend say this to me once and at first it sounded pessimistic. It makes perfect sense now. It gets worse a whole lot worse before Jesus comes. Things getting worse only means the time is continuing to grow near. Jesus come quickly!


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Sunday, November 25, 2012

DAY 837: PSALM 103

Wow. What a day! I have been all over the map emotionally. Woke up a beastly grump. Snipped and snarled at my sweet ones and even bit a kiddo who had their jaws of death locked onto my arm. I reacted today instead of responded to my kids all day. I was more concerned about my to do list than anything else. Even with that as my focus I accomplished nothing. Baby Teethsalot wanted to be snuggled all day. Actually it was more like she wanted up and down our of my arms all day. I tried to fight it. Played a game I didn't want to play and sat down often to just play with small fry but I didn't embrace it with joy. Hate days like today. Thankful for the reminder that I am a sinner in desperate need of God's grace.

Today as I was trying to put little bit down, who is still up now, it occurred to me that besides cereal another way to make Sunday a Sabbath is to completely disconnect from email, FB or any other form of Internet other than my daily email. I totally had an opportunity to start today but didn't. Today was a struggle and I wanted to disconnect instead of lean into the only one who could give me strength. Time for an advent FB fast which of course I'll have to break on Bella's birthday. Can't believe my sweet one is almost one!

Just so I don't forget Joshua turned 3 and then officially turned into a 3 year old if you know what I mean. Sheesh! My oldest son told me to "put that thing away I don't want to see it" when I was nursing Bella. I told him he could move or look away if it bothered him that much. Oldest boys got into a fist fight today. Its not the first and I'm confident it won't be the last. Must get some land for these boys!

Struggled with apathy today but wasn't able to pinpoint it till this evening at church. I think talks with my neighbors this weekend was just discouraging. It wasn't surprising I guess I just feel at loss for what to do. The answer tonight was to pray, pray, pray. It was great so I need to pray more, than pray again and then pray even more. I was truly encouraged by a couple in front of me tonight. During the meet and greet I asked how they heard about WM. the guys doctor told him. They went were living together, moved out then got married. Encouraging. Small conversations can have an effect. It feels like mine never do. I know that is not truth but even if it was my job is to remain faithful regardless of the outcomes. I just want people to know Jesus and choose God's best for their lives not because they have to fall in line but because of His great love. It would be nice to bring at least one person across the finish line. Pretty self focused and if that's what I truly want I better get on my knees more.

JP talked on somethings that I personally get fired up about. It was just good to hear some of it echoed and not feel like such a fanatic or Pharisee. He also echoed that words matter. It's a theme that keeps repeating itself. I don't know what to do about it though. I know I have incredibly loose lips yet I have no clue how to reign it in.

He also mentioned what it's like being on a mission trip. I too echo how our church feels that our life is to be on mission. I get that but there's something different about being on a mission trip. The difference is that the pressures of day to day stuff are temporarily gone while you serve on a mission trip. There's more time to hear God, serve God, commune with God, ect. The busyness of life gets in the way. I hate this and I want to change this. Part of the change would be to be more organized. Yet even that becomes a task on the to do list. Oy. There's much tension and toil in this life. I need it to keep my eyes focused on the cross.

PS 103.
This is a beautiful Psalm. Reminds me of another sermon I heard today. The speaker asked if everything on our list of things to be thankful for were taken away, every single last one of them would I still be thankful. Is God Himself enough? He is yet the way I live my life does not reflect that. I want to walk like Enoch walked with God. I want to walk with God day after day after day. I don't want to invite Him into part or even most of my day I want to walk with Him. I want to breath God in, His very breath of life.


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Saturday, November 24, 2012

DAY 836: PSALM 102

Sad to be ending a wonderful four day weekend. It was filled with great food and friends and the kick off of the holidays. Good times! Love my family!

Got a quick chat in with my one of my neighbors tonight. Trying to figure out how to speak truth into some of the Worldly ideas and incorrect theology she believes. Such a sweet girl and I like her so very much. I feel like when I do say anything it is taken as a judgement upon her. Trying to figure out how to speak truth and wisdom in such a way that she would feel loved and not judged. Praying for wisdom and opportunity. Going onto another neighbor that I love i told her about ReEngage and yesterday just flat out asked if she would be willing to go. Sadly she said no that her marriage was too far gone. Heart hurts. So thankful for the opportunity God has given us right here in our piece of the neighborhood. I pray I would be faithful, bold and love like crazy.

PSALM 102:
Want to unpack the day with my hubster so this will be quick. The Psalmist is in obvious turmoil. He's distraught and God does not seem to be anywhere in the midst of great trials. You can feel the raw emotion being poured out in the first half of this psalm. Even though he feels as if God has abandoned him he does not dwell in that place. Instead on looking to his emotion and basing his reality on how he feels the psalmist reminds himself of the truth of who God is. This is not easy to do. My emotions used to rule my world. So thankful for examples and reminders of this to always go back to truth.

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DAY 836: REV 10

Beautiful day today. Not incredibly productive but not all that tore up about it. Bella up and wooing me with her sweetness. I love and adore this baby. Read. It's a short chapter but it's thick. Need to read some commentary on it but probably won't hit it tonight.

This verse is interesting to me:
And when the seven thunders spoke, I was about to write; but I heard a voice from heaven say, "Seal up what the seven thunders have said and do not write it down." (Revelation 10:4 NIV84)

What in the heck did John see here and why isn't God allowing him to write about it? Need to continue to trust and to lean into the One who has the answer to all of my unknowns.


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Thursday, November 22, 2012

DAY 835: REV 9

Great day today. I've been a bit hesitant to do Thanksgiving with just us in fear that it would feel lonely somehow or that a ton of food was cooked for little pay off. That could not have been further from the truth. I didn't cook at all and didn't even managed to bake the pies and side I was going to make. My hubster knocked it out of the park today! Food was extra terrific and appreciated after eating rice and beans this week. It was a celebration and a feast today. I highly recommend it as it made today all the more special and was so good for my heart and for all of hearts. It wasn't easy for the kids but I think it made some impact hopefully. My hubster and I will have to remember not to drink wine when we've only been eating rice and beans. We had some last night with some great conversation on how all that God has done in our lives but we ended up a bit tipsy. It was not intended but with no protein in our bellies it went straight to our heads.

Food was fantastic and the day was pretty fun. We watched a Charlie Brown Thanksgiving and the Mayflower. Was fun for the kids to pick up on what we have been learning about. They are like sponges! Would love for Charlie to be part of our Thanksgiving from here on out. I'm still pretty hung up on Squanto's life story. It screams God to me and I'm in awe over it.

We played games tonight and there were definitely moments when Abbie answered in ways that would give her away as a homeschool kid. That girl is so smart and her brother isn't lacking in brain power either. Their strengths are so different though. Love how God has wired each of them completely different. Can't wait to have another one! This crew is getting to be so much fun. I hate how incredibly fast they are growing up but it just keeps getting better and better.

REV 9:
This chapter is depressing and it aches my heart. God dishes out some pretty serious discipline enough so that people long to die.

During those days men will seek death, but will not find it; they will long to die, but death will elude them. (Revelation 9:6 NIV84)

Yet even after the devilish stinging beasts and a horrid army of death people will continue to be hard hearted, stiff necked and prideful. I know people whose hearts are like this and it is heartbreaking. Why God has made my heart soft where as others he hasn't is such a mystery to me. I can't take credit for choosing God. I was far too messed up and ran in the opposite direction and yet He continued to pursue me. I see God pursuing those that I know and they think they are far too intelligent for a God crutch. Hate it. Need to pray more for soft hearts. I do think reading about the prayers of the saints being offered to God as incense has had some impact on my heart and my prayer apathy. I know God listens but I think there's still part of me that thinks He's just going to do what He wants to do. I wish I could beat out that cynicism. Pray with eager expectation yet except with gratitude the answer He chooses to bless with. Lately I feel like all I've been doing is treating God like my personal prayer genie. Hate that.

Going to eat more food, especially pie which I have justified today and read some commentary later.

Happy Thanksgiving my beloved friends!


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Wednesday, November 21, 2012

DAY 834: REV 8

Today seems like two or three days rolled together. My hubster was giddy today preparing for Thanksgiving. It's been since Portland that we've cooked our own Thanksgiving Feast and that was before kids. That is crazy.

Had some sweet time with a boy beside himself over another day of oatmeal and rice and beans. I prayed over him as he wailed and then I started wailing as I prayed about how thankful I am that he wasn't starving or forced to kill us by a rebel army. Then I prayed that he would use the passion that God gave him to make a difference in the lives of those who are hurting. As I cried he began to cry as well. Afterwards we talked about why he had lost the opportunity to eat oatmeal and why we were even doing this. It was a beautiful moment and I'm so very thankful for such a wonderful gift today.

The rest of the day I switched back and forth from being completely heartbroken by what is happening to families all over the world today and complete and utter thankfulness that our family is healthy and strong and we have more than what we need. Even now I feel as if I could weep and yet thankful for a windows open kind of day with children building and creating. I pray that my eyes would be more and more open to the incredible blessings we're been given.

REV 8:
Commentary on this chapter is pretty interesting. God takes the natural rhythms and functions of our world and destroys one third of it. The result must be devastating enough to cause the heavens to remain silent. I imagine there is heartbreak over the fact that it's come to this. Sadness over just how far God must go to get the remaining bunch of prideful stiff necked people to bend a knee before God. He loves them and wants them all to become part of his family yet they refuse to listen.

In all this I'm reminded to be vigilant at becoming more and more humble and praying for those who do not know Jesus.


When he opened the seventh seal, there was silence in heaven for about half an hour. (Revelation 8:1)

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DAY 833: REV 8-22

Last night of Merge. Such a sweet 8 weeks! Our group bought us a ham, a honey baked one. It has been so much fun serving with my hubster. It's been way too long since Team Brown has been in effect. Love that man!

Heart aches over friends who itty bitty is in ICU. I'm sad over all that is going down in the Congo and Israel. Jesus come quickly. Reading Revelations only makes me long for this more. Will end quickly as I want to chat it up with my man. Read to the end of the chapter. Look forward to going back and digging into what I read. It was nice to read a bigger chunk of scripture in one setting. The one thing that sticks out the most is the absolute pride of those who chose to reject Christ. The two witnesses die and they rejoice and turn it into a holiday. Even though plague after plague and disaster after disaster happens they still choose to go their own way. It's heartbreaking.


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Sunday, November 18, 2012

DAY 832: pSALM 101

I'm writing this as I toot. I'd make a great tug boat right about now. We are diving into oatmeal, rice and beans leading up to Thanksgiving. I'm thankful for a reprieve Tuesday night when we're at Merge. My stomach is already distended from the magical fruit. My heart breaks for the precious ones who dine on a meager bowl of rice and beans daily and who are most grateful for it. I am so entitled and take the blessings that I have for granted. I pray heart is changed.

I've been a grump today. I was short with my kids and my hubster at the store while getting stuff for Operation Christmas Child. We got it done but I feel like I totally missed the boat on something great.

PSALM 101:
Wanted to circle back on Rev but after looking at it and reading some commentary it's quite obvious my poor brain can't handle it. Jumping back into a good ole Psalm instead.

Love David's heart to obey God. He truly did want to walk a blameless path. He obvious had some serious sin issues but other than that glaring blindspot he really did try to avoid evil and to do good. It doesn't come out in this Psalm but while thinking about him and his character the word humble comes to mind. I think my issue with David's particular sin struggle has kept me from truly seeing the beauty in David's character. The Lord delights in a humble heart and there is no doubt David had just that. I want some of that!

Just to be thoroughly confusing I want to put down my favorite verse in Rev 2.

He who has an ear, let him hear what the Spirit says to the churches. To him who overcomes, I will give some of the hidden manna. I will also give him a white stone with a new name written on it, known only to him who receives it. (Revelation 2:17 NIV84)

A white stone with a new name written on it gets me every single time. Love this!


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My baby boy is three. I simply adore that kid. So very thankful for God's amazing plan. I have to remind myself of this as we start a new season for us of "trying". I'm trying not to tighten clenched fists about this and really rejoice in whatever may come during this season. God's plan is always so much greater than my own. Joshua and Bella are living testaments to me in that regard.

Looked at pictures last night of a celebrating a friend's finalized adoption. So much beauty. It pulls at my heart strings and there will always be an aching and longing in the rejoicing. Yet there's so much peace as well. Unfortunately, Ethiopia is jacked up right now. It's even worse than it was before Bella was part of our equation. So many unethical practices going on. The last thing I would want to do is adopt a child that did not need to be adopted. Just the thought tears me up. So we continue to wait patiently knowing that God's timing is perfect.

Great day today. Fun seeing my hambone eat up the spotlight today. The kid got celebrated! Donuts, Heard Museum on a beautiful day, and a special birthday boy dinner and family movie. He finally got the taste of what has been forbidden fruit for him, gum. That little stinker was a wonderful reason to celebrate today.

Wanted to pick up rev 2 & 3 again but judging by the time this is a much better route. Love how this chapter starts out.

Better a dry crust with peace and quiet
than a house full of feasting, with strife. (Proverbs 17:1 NIV84)

I have a feeling this would be a great BrownTown verse and a possible natural hands on experiment on days that are very quarrelsome.

Love how this chapter ends.

A man of knowledge uses words with restraint,
and a man of understanding is even-tempered.

Even a fool is thought wise if he keeps silent,
and discerning if he holds his tongue. (Proverbs 17:27, 28 NIV84)

God help me not to be a fool with my words but rather a wife, mother and friend with life giving words filled with love, grace, understanding, and encouragement.


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Friday, November 16, 2012

DAY 831: REV 5

Sweet time this morning with my adopted little sister. The rest of the day I was in a funk. Not sure why. Probably from lack of sleep. I think I had built today up to be grand and I just couldn't pull it together to do anything. No thanksgiving tree or post it's on the cabinets and no Operation Christmas Child. Need to wrap my head around birthday surprises for Joshua tomorrow. I can't believe that little stinker is going to be 3. I would think I'd stop growing sentimental about a 3rd birthday especially since we've already seen 3 go by. Nope. Still a sappy mess. What a joy it was to see that sweet boys face for the very first time. I am so incredibly blessed!

Hot date with my hubster tonight. Going to hit up the Target probably. My sweet almost 3 year old wants a box of gloves for his birthday. That he shall get.

My sweet girl lost her tooth tonight while Les and I were out. I'm with that kid almost all the time and she looses her first tooth when I'm not there. Total stinker! Can't believe tomorrow morning I'll be faced with my daughters new big girl smile. They grow up so darn fast!

REV 5:
This is not good reading for the tired and the emotional. All of this sounds pretty stinking horrible and it will be horrible. It will be so horrible unbelievers will plead to be crushed by the mountains.

They called to the mountains and the rocks, "Fall on us and hide us from the face of him who sits on the throne and from the wrath of the Lamb! (Revelation 6:16 NIV84)

I think about those friends I have that are so proud in the unbelief. Christianity is just a nice crutch in their minds. During this time all that pride that so many people have held onto will be quickly erased. How horrible to look into the face of the Savior that you rejected. There will be a group of people who reject Jesus regardless of how many people tell them about Him. However, I want to be vigilant to tell those who don't know Him so they are not left in the same situation.


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Thursday, November 15, 2012

DAY 830: REV 5

My kids have been crazy. Just crazy. Really it's been the oldest two, more particularly the oldest one. All it takes is the oldest to go wackadoo to bring down the whole Mothership. Driving home it occurred to me it could be the antibiotics they are on. Bingo! I can not tell you the relief. It's almost like being a total crazy crank pot and then discovering Aunt Flo has come. It just feels good to have a reason for extra nutty behavior. Now it will hopefully be a bit easier to extend grace and more understanding.

REV 5:
This is a pretty fantastic chapter. Golden incense bowls filled with the prayers of saints. All creation singing praises to God. It's a pretty overwhelming and yet wonderful snapshot of what is to come. So thankful I get to be apart of it all.


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DAY 829: REV 4

I have had ADD like crazy the last couple weeks. I can't keep focused on anything and this has been in some ways torturous. I'm going to blame it on nursing. Why? In the words of my son Joshua "I don't know".

Actually now that I think about it I'm pretty distracted over lots of things. Mostly keeping up with the huge rift in our country, the insanity that is happening in the church and all other related issues. What I need to do instead is get focused back on Bible and reading Bonhoeffer. I've been teaching the kids about the story of Squanto and there's so many emotions I've gone through just reading them that story. First off, the dude didn't have it easy and had some seriously tragedy happen in his life but you can clearly see God's fingerprints and provision all through out his story. Then his story collides with Plymouth and the Pilgrims. Mind blown how God does all of that. Even in the early exploration of America you see evil and greed as well as kindness, concern and goodness. Sin just sucks and I can't wait till bastard Satan's head is crushed. I hate how he distorts beauty. Hate it. I seriously don't know how God restrains himself for completely throwing that bastard into the lake of fire.

Here's another thing that's crazy on my mind and that's the wrestling of desiring to be more Christlike which makes one more repulsed at the things of this world while at the same time not becoming a self righteous Pharisee. I hate living in that tension. So jealous of Adam and Eve right now. How amazing to be with God and walk around in the garden naked yet feel no shame. I'm so over the weight of shame. I'm over the toil and the tension. I want to go home yet I thank God for the blessing of today.

Today was a closer picture of what I'd like a homeschool day to look like. I read an entire short novel to my kids while outside. They rode bikes and scurried around at times but mostly sat and listened. Their precious little minds soaked it all up too. We did math and Abbie read and read and it was great. I could have done without my bad attitude the rest of the day coupled with their horrendous fits and disrespect. I have a leaders meeting tomorrow and I look forward to getting out for a couple hours without having to haul kids along with me. Love these Brownies but some time away to fill up my tank will do this momma good.

On one last random note ran into a feminist blog today and I had such a mixture of disgust, anger and sadness. I hate how many people have swallowed the lies. The hard hearts, and bleeding hearts make me sad. One article was about how marriage should be abolished and at least the writer was bold enough to say they were not pro-choice they were pro-abortion. Some truth in the madness even if it was sad truth. I just want to move to freaking Africa. No. I just want Jesus to come quickly.

Rev 4:
I wanted to jump back to rev 2 and 3 and think I will this weekend but instead felt compelled to move forward. Thankful. This chapter is beautiful. It gets me choked up. I can't wait for this!! I pray I get a vision of this etched in my mind. If the day comes when I must chose Christ or death may my lips sing God's praise as I outstretched my hands and wait in eager expectation to see God's most beautiful face. I pray heaven is written on the hearts of my children, on my family, friends, neighbors and strangers I meet. May our country turn back to Him who is most Holy and Mighty. Singing blessing and honor and glory be to our God!


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Wednesday, November 14, 2012

DAY 828: REV 2

Today was a mixed bag. Didn't wake up before kiddos and I just couldn't pull together any rhythm to the day. I let Abbie cook breakfast and she was incredibly proud. Win. Kids woke up at each others throats so I read to them about Ephesus and their lack of love. Luke and Joshua were causing a ruckus while i was talking and I threatened to dismiss them from the table. I was frustrated and impatient while teaching my kiddos about love. Awesome!

Bella partied in wee hours of the morning after nursing all night long so she was ready to go down right after breakfast. After I got her down my sweet boy who wants to be my baby forever (which I'm fine with) wanted to sit and snuggle. I wanted to scoot him elsewhere so I could attack the kitchen and get school going but this dude won't be my baby forever. I snuggled with him till Bella started screaming.

Got distracted on an FB discussion in the afternoon. It turned really good but sad all at the same time. Not sure what next steps are but I'm confident God will make it clear. Apologized to my kiddos for being distracted and the bugs asked for forgiveness for attitudes and fits. Love how our family is learning how to be humble and own our parts. Had another conversation today about coveting what others have and how happiness actually lasts longer when you give instead of receive. My girl went around giving away her prized stuffed animals afterwards. It was a beautiful thing to witness. Love this family!

Great night at Merge. Really love our couples and really enjoy serving with my hubster. Fun watching first hand and hearing how he lead out in awesome ways today. Proud of that man and so thankful he's my husband.

One last thing. Ran into a girl my man had dated back in the day. I only mention this because it felt awesome to have absolutely no insecurity about it. None at all. We've run into an ex in Austin and another one at a marriage conference here. I can't say that those run ins weren't plagued with insecurity. At one point when we were doing CR I was nothing but an insecure mess. I didn't know a lot of people on staff and Les was having this experience with a bunch of people I didn't know a lot which happened to be attractive well put together women. I was a mess. Thankful for a glimpse of much growth.

Rev 2:
Checking the box. Will circle back to finish chapter 2 & hopefully 3. Digging Rev so far.


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Tuesday, November 13, 2012

DAY 827: REV 2

My heart is heavy tonight for a friend whose daughter has a pretty crappy form of cancer. Her daughter has been loving on my kiddos since Paul was a baby. This should not be. I can get fired up and bold with all my Jesus talk but am I truly grounded enough to be able to weather the storms that are sure to come? I can say that God is Sovereign and He is good on a beautiful fall day but could I do the same while walking in the valley of death? My hope that the answer is yes. There is so much reason to give thanks.

My oldest offspring have decided to band together and be defiant and disrespectful. Even my sweet baby boy is turning into a 3 yr old more and
more everyday. Instead of locking horns with them the rest of the afternoon I told them I was just going to send them to bed and they would just miss dinner. It worked thankfully. Love these hard headed defiant disrespectful Brownies. Thankful.

REV 2:
My eyes don't want to stay open but wow!!! I only got through commentary on the first two churches. This chapter is a flipping gold mine. The front and back story with commentary makes it all the more richer.

Read about the persecution of Smyrna and the story of Polycarp. Holy smokes! Those people had crazy faith. Choosing Christ was not a choice one could take lightly. It cost them everything yet they were some of the richest people on earth because of their faith. This church is crazy inspiring. This is the kinda faith I want to have. That Polycarp. Wow. Just wow. I am so over the comfort of American Christianity. Over it! Yet in my flesh I want to cling tightly to it.

And Ephesus. Wonderful Ephesus. They loved in a mecca of idolatry. Satan most definitely had his hands all over this city. Yet the church was thriving. They took Paul's warnings to heart and strived to keep doctrine sound and wolves out of their flock. Yet, the left behind love. Sound doctrine without love of God or people is useless. Yet Ephesus wasn't content to stay the way they were. They heeded this warning from the King of all Kings and went back to their first love after receiving this warning. Wow. Wow. Wow.

This is good. Eyes can't stay open. Can't wait for tomorrow.


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Sunday, November 11, 2012

DAY 826: 2 COR 10

Sweet baby girl is sleeping on my chest. Peace upon peace right now. She's smiling in her sleep which is one of my most favorite things. Thankful for this precious miracle.

Thankful for cereal Sunday. Several weeks ago I decided that cereal was going to be one way that I could help keep Sunday a day of rest. The kids look forward to it and know its Sunday now based on when they get to eat cereal. It's pretty sweet. I have a lot to over haul in my search for true Sabbath but thankful for a tiny start. Sat and played and snuggled with my babies for a long while. Still way too distracted. Parenting fail when I realized I was trying to control rather than just parent. Often I just want to control and when things don't go my way I feel more out of control. When I am more concerned about their heart its amazing how much more in control I am. The irony is not lost on me.

Need to get up soon and get ready for church. Neighbor coming but taking separate cars. Praying she'll come eat with us and i'll have an opportunity to jump in her car and talk. Praying I'll be bold. Love this neighbor.

2 COR 10:
Jumped into yet another FB discussion over 50 Shades. An interesting one as the person took a stance against Christians condemning book when she is a Christ follower herself. I have a feeling there will be loads more of Christians condemning each other as Christianity continues to get watered down in America. That Satan is a clever one. I believe the winnowing is about to happen. It's not a bad thing either. Think about the faith of those who are believers in countries where persecution is real and alive. There is no watered down faith in those areas. Being lukewarm is not worth it. Either you are all in or you are not. Things will get interesting in the future I believe.

In this chapter Paul gives a reminder about the Israelites whose faith was wishy washy and the not so pleasant results. He then gives a great model of how to be in the world but not of the world. Is practicing your freedom as a Christian something as simple as not eating meat that was once sacrificed to an idol or are you actively participating in idol worship. Eating the meat not part of the actual idol worship was fine as long as you could bring it back to glorify God. It's really beautiful.

The person I engaged with on FB argued that their is a lot more gray than black and white in the bible. I probably would have thought that at once too. Now I think there's a lot more black and white than there is gray. When it comes back to the heart it's hard to justify a lot of things in the name of religious freedom. This verse sums all behavior up perfectly on whether or not we should partake.

So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God. (1 Corinthians 10:31 NIV84)

This is great at judging between lots of things. Take being on FB for example. Am I doing it for the glory of God or to check out of reality? Am I eating chocolate for the glory of God or for comfort? Heart heart heart. Love God. May I become more and more like Him so that my actions would truly glorify Him!


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DAY 825: PSALM 130

Yet another day where I have been all over the map emotionally. Thank you jacked up hormones. In bullet point form here is the adventure I've been on.
1. Longing to move to Africa
2. Internal temper tantrum over lack of babysitter and Aunt Flo.
3. Joy of weather outside and watching my first born son ride a 2 wheeler. How is it possible that I have two elementary aged kids?
4. Determination to kill the laundry monster on our couch.
5. Sweetly surprised by boys current fascination with Moses and their desire to watch The Prince of Egypt over anything else.
6. Victory over a mostly killed laundry beast.
7. Irritation and anger over the antics of three ferrel boys. If I have to say do not pee on your brother or pull your pants up one more time I might scream.
8. Thankfulness to tag out and go with Abbie to a wedding reception.
9. Joy over the beauty of the start of Team Griffon.
10. Awe, bitter sweetness, love and joy while watching my precious six year old dance with a gaggle of 7th grade junior bridesmaids. She will be one of those giddy 7th grade girls before I know it and then a bride herself one day. Crazy picture of that tonight. This parent gig keeps getting better and better. Had no clue how fantastic it would be to be a Momma. So very thankful.

PSALM 130:
This is a short but sweet Psalm about the beautiful forgiveness of the Lord.

O Israel, put your hope in the Lord,

for with the Lord is unfailing love and with him is full redemption. (Psalm 130:7 NIV84)

Unfailing love and full redemption. So thankful.


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Friday, November 09, 2012

DAY 824: REV 1

Head still at it today thankful its only on a slow burn. I love Texas but it absolutely hates me.

Wrecked today. Compassion international exhibit. That alone was heartbreaking and yet so filled with the hope of Christ all in one swell swoop. At the end their were Compassion Kids to choose from. I didn't necessarily feel compelled to get a kid today but them I saw him. Sweet Elias from Ethiopia who is three months older than Joshua. I saw his sweet face and I instantly flashed back to my dream of our little boy. I choked back the tears as Africa became all too real to me again. Instead of wanting to jump back into the adoption process, I just want to move to Africa. I want to adopt my sweet baby boy from Africa in Africa. Maybe this is what the growing discontentment is all about. Yet I know the time is not now. Our babies are not yet old enough and are still babies themselves. I don't want to live a life just hearing of people on a grand adventure I want to live one out. I don't know what all of this means for sure but I keep praying that God makes it all clear when the time comes and continues to grow us until then. Oddly enough sweet Elias was conceived around the same exact time I had a dream of a sweet Ethiopian boy who would become ours. I'm so thankful for this sweet gift of a boy that we'll get to see grow hopefully into a man who loves Jesus. I pray that this is not the end of our hearts for Africa yet only a puzzle piece into a beautiful story.

In all this I've been a grouchy cantankerous mother to the children I do have. I love them so very dearly yet I can't control my grumpy disposition. My sweet daughter got fired up about the Hymn This Is My Fathers World today. Her sweet heart is so tender. I adore each of them yet between this head and my hormonal shift I'm a beast. Must do more clinging to Christ. Thankful I am loved and redeemed despite my attitude.

REV 1:
I'll be the first to admit that I've been a big eye roller over Revelation type studies. Maybe I had too much experience growing up with over zealousness of it. Not necessarily at home but by one of the churches we frequented. Everybody and their grandma wants to do a study on Revelation. Well, no stinking thank you. It causes divisiveness and really in the end we know Jesus wins the rest is not worth fighting over. Yet, recently my interested has been peaked and I can't wait to devour this book.

Blessed is the one who reads the words of this prophecy, and blessed are those who hear it and take to heart what is written in it, because the time is near. (Revelation 1:3 NIV84)

Boom! Reason number one why I needed to get over my whatever attitude towards Revelation. I'm sure everybody for centuries have felt like their generation was going to be the ones who saw the return of Christ. In NT times they thought He would be back soon and they waited for Jesus to return. Well, I'm going to add to the number of people through out the centuries that thought the end was near. I don't think the rapture is knocking on the door but their is some crazy stuff going on in the world. I am disheartened daily at the morality slide that is happening in my country. Yet I'm thankful for the areas all over the world where the population of Christians are exploding despite harsh persecution. I desperately long to be apart of that somehow.

and from Jesus Christ, who is the faithful witness, the firstborn from the dead, and the ruler of the kings of the earth.
To him who loves us and has freed us from our sins by his blood, (Revelation 1:5 NIV84)

To him who loves us and freed us. Those words are like a beautiful melody to my soul. Ruler of the kings of this earth. Thankful for this simple truth and I fear the continued downward spiral of morality in this country. Never have I prayed like I am now for our President.

and has made us to be a kingdom and priests to serve his God and Father–to him be glory and power for ever and ever! Amen. (Revelation 1:6 NIV84)

We are a kingdom and our made priests and priestesses to serve our God through the blood of Christ. This is humbling. God would take a rebellious wayward child pursue her and then call her His own and a priestess. This is too good to be true. This is not how the world operates and I love it!

Back home after kid sitting. Gonna call it a night because I miss my hubster. Fingers crossed I can rustle up a sitter for tomorrow so I can spend some time with him, watch a sweet girl get married and be with my sweet girl as she watches her first wedding.


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Thursday, November 08, 2012

DAY 823: JUDE 1

Woke up with a beast of a headache and now it's turned into a psycho killer. This will be short as my eyes feel like they are going to pop out of my skull. This is going to make baby stalking tonight difficult.

Thankful for a husband who got home earlier than expected and that he's taking care of kiddos despite the crazy long day he's had.

Jude 1:
Listened to this rather than read it. Pretty powerful ingesting God's Word this way. This is a crazy strong letter. Jude does not sugar coat it whatsoever. Jude writes about the wolves in sheeps clothing. He calls them clouds without rain and blemishes at their live feasts. I so want to hold a love feast.

These verses are so interesting to me. It almost seems a bit contradictory.

Be merciful to those who doubt; snatch others from the fire and save them; to others show mercy, mixed with fear–hating even the clothing stained by corrupted flesh. (Jude 1:22, 23 NIV84)

Hate even the clothing stained by corrupted flesh. At first glance I thought it meant to not have anything to do with sin and corruption. Maybe it does but maybe that's what the mercy and fear part is about. Show mercy to sinners and those who are unbelievers but don't get comfortable and become like one of them. Be wary to not catch their fleas.

The blemishes at the love feast seem to be those who enjoyed the fellowship of Christ yet those who were not ready to fully commit as a follower of Christ. The fellowship and the benefits were nice but they weren't willing to submit to authority and become yielded to Christ. There are beautiful benefits to being a follower of Christ but there is a great death of self which involves pain and sometimes even suffering. You must embrace both. Love this letter!!!


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Wednesday, November 07, 2012

DAY 822: 3 JOHN 1

Sometimes a day seems like a week. Emotionally I have been everywhere under the sun today. I had no idea how exhausted I was until I laid down to put a small fry to sleep. That small fry instead of falling asleep is bouncing around acting like a white hot mess. Off topic but I would kill for a cheeseburger right now, Wendy's or Whataburger. This actually leads into something that has been a constant recently but again swirling around in my mind tonight. What would New Testament Christianity look like today? What would my life look like if I was a modern day Paul, Peter, John, Titus, or whoever? I feel like I've been way too entrenched in American Christianity for way too long. The words of a friend referring to gianormous houses here in Dallas have really stuck with me. "Why would anybody who is truly a Christian live in a house like this"? It wasn't necessarily a judging question but rather one out of sheer confusion. I have grown up in the land of entitlement and I'll be quiet honest I feel entitled. I feel entitled to the cheeseburger I crave, the easy quick drive thru breakfast or dollar menu items for dinner for the kids when serving. Life stage or whatever reason I choose to come up with I do feel entitled to certain things. Now the part is trying to figure out what to do about it.

The whole iPhone constant connectedness is making me kinda wonky too. I'm like a Pavlovian dog sometimes. I think the Internet perusing while nursing or putting baby stink pot to bed has led to some bad habits. Maybe I can't bake a cake while nursing or fold a mountain of laundry but I can be memorize scripture, I can sing a song to Jesus or think about Him, I could pray read my bible, read a Christian book or so many other things that would be so much more worth wild. I feel like I'm selling out somehow. I've traded in rest and peace and a rich fullness for a cheap plastic American life. Maybe all of this has to do with Dallas dissatisfaction again or maybe it's just because this is not my home. I don't want it to be home yet I know I settle for the things this place has to offer. Jesus come quickly.

Today this biblical womanhood study had me all kerfluffled today. My domain is wrecked. Busy weekend, strep invasion and just off week has left things in shambles. Really who am I kidding we live on the verge most of the time. I feel like I should be doing better. I'm not subduing our dwelling it's subduing me. The stupid study I'm doing is not telling me the magic formulae to be a subduer and frankly I'm hacked off about it. Well, kinda. The answer to what God would have me give up or change in this American life and how in the whole I'm supposed to subdue a household is the same answer, it's Christ. When I invite Him into the everyday it's pretty amazing how He slowly molds and changes. It's never as fast and microwaved as I want it to be but it's always perfect and He's so faithful to continually work. The question that always remains is am I willing to remain and give up my idol of self sufficieny to lean in. We are moving onto Helper / Completer next. I so want to be the version that God created in this area but often resembled the fallen state instead. Praying for continued redemption in this area.

3 JOHN 1:
This letter is short and sweet. I love the picture of such a close friendship woven together through the bond in Christ.

I love these verses:
It gave me great joy to have some brothers come and tell about your faithfulness to the truth and how you continue to walk in the truth. I have no greater joy than to hear that my children are walking in the truth. (3 John 1:3, 4 NIV84)

Oh to be this kind of faithful child and to have children and people you've shepherded doing the same.

This verse is great too.
Dear friend, do not imitate what is evil but what is good. Anyone who does what is good is from God. Anyone who does what is evil has not seen God. (3 John 1:11 NIV84)

I pray that God continues to refine me so that my children can imitate me as I imitate Christ.


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Tuesday, November 06, 2012

DAY 821: 2 JOHN 1

I voted dabnabbit! Although I feel a bit nauseous over the outcome of this election I'm so thankful that I bucked up against apathy, thanks God, and voted. Even in my disgust I'm reminded that Jesus is still King. Nobody takes a seat as president without our Sovereign Lord allowing it. I'm really sad for America and where our hearts are as a nation and who becomes president doesn't change that. I pray for a Nebuchadnezzar moment for Obama. I pray the name he professes with his mouth would affect his heart.

I could be way off but as I read Daniel 2 the iron and clay feet seem to eerily be America. We are about to witness the fall of Rome or shall I say the fall of Babylon. Thankful that even if the mountains melt like wax I can be confident in the hope I have in Christ.

Read 2 John 1 earlier today and wrote out first 3 verses of RO 12. I have till Friday to make the first three verses stick. I will conquer this dang chapter. I haven't done homework for tomorrow and reality says that won't change.

Going to read more Daniel and pray Obama has a Nebuchadnezzar moment. So lost and scattered in so many thoughts tonight.


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Monday, November 05, 2012

DAY 820: 1 JOHN 5

Don't know what happened but my post from last night never went out. I probably just passed out after reading Psalm 139 last night. It's all a blur. My body was so freakishly exhausted yesterday. I was pissed that I had to get up and go to a dr's appointment yesterday. Hopefully that's just a testament to how yuck I felt yesterday. It feels good to be in bed now but this weekend getting a chance to get in bed felt like paradise. So very thankful for antibiotics. It feels more noble taking them for something like strep instead of a reoccurring sinus and ear infection. The havoc they will wreak seams more worth it. I probably should hunt down some amazing probiotics tomorrow.

I was a grumpy butt today. Kids were nuts and my fuse was super short. Tonight I tried to be miss tough guy but that failed miserably as I desperately longed to restore relationship with my Brownies after a tough day. I do love them dearly and hate days when I'm more irritated by them than not.

Took four kiddos in today to get swabbed for strep. Two positive. Their throats looked strep free though so waiting to see what the deal is. They could possibly have kicked it themselves and now are just carriers. Good thing is a strep carrier is not considered to be a contagion risk but it can complicate things. Bottom line is my doc thinks its best to get rid of it completely. Thankful for a knowledgeable dr who isn't over the top freak show concerned but who has been around the block enough to have seen things first hand.

My month sans sweets has not been insanely difficult but I know I would have caved this weekend had it not been for making this a fast so to speak. S'mores on Saturday come on! I could have easily justified candy today. Yesterday my throat hurt so bad eating was not a priority whatsoever.

1 JOHN 5:
I can't engage my brain enough yet to fully wrap my brain around this chapter. It's basically about Jesus being the only way. There is some great stuff in here but can't get my brain to fully engage.

These two verses caught my attention the most. Very possible because it was the end of the chapter and I had already forgotten the verses before. Just keeping it real.

We know that anyone born of God does not continue to sin; the one who was born of God keeps him safe, and the evil one cannot harm him. We know that we are children of God, and that the whole world is under the control of the evil one. (1 John 5:18, 19 NIV84)

I find so much comfort in the fact that the one born of God keeps me safe and the evil one can not harm me. Great verse to remember when I get the hebejebes.

Might try to dig back in tomorrow. For now I'm off to take a handful of pills and hopefully be sawing logs soon.


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DAY 819: PSALM 139

Feel awful. Nice chills have set in this evening. Thankful for so many things today. Thankful for a wise husband who set up a dr appt for Paul and I. I hate going to the dr. I think it stems from the drama it sometimes caused as a kid. There was much shame and guilt thrown my way over the cost of it all. Plus I don't want to go and it just be a virus or nothing and seem "stupid". Thankful Les was strong and loving and even took care of all the details involved. Although I balked when I was woken up to go the dr he was still so loving and kind. I can be such a pain in the booty yet my hubster never makes me feel that way. Weepy over that. Probably there's lots vulnerable right now as I feel like I've been hit by a truck and even strep throat brings me back to childhood. I got it often as a kid and have felt rather prideful at missing all the strep outbreaks for the past 6 years.

Thankful for a doctor who has a child and struggles with the guilt of working full time. I'm sure there's even guilt when at home when longing to be at work. There is much success that can be felt at work. Often motherhood can feel like constantly walking on sinking sand. Success can not be measured in the same ways and the laundry piled up, disorganization, and struggle to get meals together feels like a lost battle. Sweet sweet woman. Motherhood can bind women together like no other.

Thankful for antibiotics and pharmacists. I saw so many people grumpy at upset about prices and many not even be able to go home with a prescription. It hurt my heart for all those involved. Thankful for the 15 minutes that turned into 45 while waiting. In the moment I felt like slinking to the floor to lie down yet what an opportunity to be very thankful. And I'm very thankful even in the midst of strep throat. This is all about self but thankful for a diagnosis that made me feel less like a whimp and less guilty about a day full of tv.

PSALM 139:

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Saturday, November 03, 2012

DAY 818: 1 JOHN 4

Feel like poo but so incredibly thankful for today. Got to see God work despite my sickness and utter exhaustion. My sleepless nights hit me hard today. I could have slept all day. That wasn't the plan for today though and I am so very thankful. Watched two kiddos today as a friend kicked Satan's butt. Then neighbors came over. Think one of my neighbors new relationship will give me great opportunity to continue to build our relationship. All the while during the day we (cough hack Les!) prepared for our Merge group to come over tonight. It went great. Felt like I was headed down hill fast tonight but God provided exactly what I needed to have energy and truly enjoy tonight. BrownTown felt like a wonderful hub for ministry today and I'm so thankful. We were Team Brown today! This is what I want our family to be able. Thankful for this incredible day and even more thankful I felt crummy. Hard to make things about yourself when you are leaning onto God to get you through. Sweet husband let me rest several times through out the day too which was a huge help. I don't my bed has felt as wonderful as it did this morning when I went to go lay down with Bella. I think my body melded into the bed out of sheer exhaustion.

1 JOHN 4:
I read today during one of my rest times and I can't remember a single thing I read. Will read it again and call it good. Consider this a checked box tonight.


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Friday, November 02, 2012

DAY 817: 2 PETER 3

I don't want to write what I'm about to write but it's exactly why I need to write it. Speaker at the Nest today and the first half instead of listening intently to try to glean wisdom I had prideful thoughts. I could do better than this. I hate writing this because it's gross on so many levels but this is the sinfulness that lives inside of me. I find it do ironic that while I was listening to a talk on comparison I was comparing myself to another. Then prayer upon prayer. Asking for God to change the insecure girl inside of me who struggles with pride and comparison. He who is always faithful broke through and I learned. The thought of the adulterous woman receiving grace upon grace. Go and sin no more. I think I've always held a legalistic view of these words. Yet today I saw something else. This is not who you are, who I created you to be, go and sin no more. Then I was brought back to my wrestling with sinners prayer salvation with no real evidence of fruit. I was the girl who felt like damaged goods, unworthy, used, rebellious, stubborn, prideful, dishonest, unruly, drunk, wild, no self control, ect. God saw this child who said she believed she was a sinner and wanted to receive the gift of salvation and walked with her despite her lack of trust, understood her desire to numb and mask pain through drugs and alcohol, knew her desire to be loved, adored and cherish coupled with lack of boundaries would lead RO sexual sin. He took a broken girl who was angry and didn't think she could trust that He was good and wooed her unto Himself. It was the moment I uttered those words that salvation was set in motion for me. Regardless of the fruit that was exhibited there was a work being done, a story being written. It's continuing to be written and it is the most beautiful love story I could ever imagine. Yes I am a sinner. The more God's holiness is revealed to me the more I become painfully aware of my sinful state. Yet despite my sinful state God continues to whisper this is not who you are, you do not have to be so strong. 

I keep thinking I need to get with it and get better at self control, I need to rise up and get control over my domain, I need to be more humble, kind, gentle, patience, loving, ect. I keep failing because I keep trying, keep striving in vain. All He beckons me to do is remain. Remain in me and I in you, apart from me you can do nothing. The answer is not taking control, the answer is surrendering and giving up the control. I should be striving but not striving to do better, I should be striving to remain in Him, to keep Him in my every thought. God has infiltrated every aspect of my life but He's yet to become my everything. This is the striving I need to do because as prideful as I can be its not who I am. Despite the fact that I could use all kinds of humility trying harder will not fix anything. Only the sweet remaining in Him will change me from the I side out. I thank God for my struggles for when I surrender them to Him instead of try to fix them on my own they bind me to Him.

2 PETER 3:
If it had been myself, i could not have planned a better day to read this chapter.

What marvelous love the Father has extended to us! Just look at it—we're called children of God! That's who we really are. But that's also why the world doesn't recognize us or take us seriously, because it has no idea who he is or what he's up to. (1 John 3:1 MSG)

His children, that's who we really are despite who may recognize that fact. 

4-6 All who indulge in a sinful life are dangerously lawless, for sin is a major disruption of God's order. Surely you know that Christ showed up in order to get rid of sin. There is no sin in him, and sin is not part of his program. No one who lives deeply in Christ makes a practice of sin. None of those who do practice sin have taken a good look at Christ. They've got him all backward.

"Sin is a major disruption of God's order." This is crazy true. Never looked at it this way before.

No one who lives deeply in Christ makes a practice of sin. If you are digging deep in Christ and remaining holiness is the result not sinfulness.

21-24 And friends, once that's taken care of and we're no longer accusing or condemning ourselves, we're bold and free before God! We're able to stretch our hands out and receive what we asked for because we're doing what he said, doing what pleases him. Again, this is God's command: to believe in his personally named Son, Jesus Christ. He told us to love each other, in line with the original command. As we keep his commands, we live deeply and surely in him, and he lives in us. And this is how we experience his deep and abiding presence in us: by the Spirit he gave us.

This is so incredibly strong. Once we are no longer accusing or condemning ourselves we are bold and free before God. 

This is too wonderful to completely take in. Thankful it is slowly sinking in more and more. This is why I can confess all the junk that lives deep within my heart. It's because it's not who I am despite how much Satan tries to make me believe it.


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Thursday, November 01, 2012

DAY 816: 1 JOHN 2

I don't know how I haven't slammed into the biggest wall ever. Maybe it's possible I function best with under four hrs of sleep but I think it's doubtful considering my lack of productivity today. Since my brain is firing on all cylinders I'm going to bullet point it.

- giving up sweets for month of nov. it's a set amount of time and it's not crazy cutting off everything I love to eat just yet. This was spurred on by a conversation with a dear friend about a picture of my double chin. I'm sure my hubster is rolling his eyes right now but pictures don't lie. I decided I either need to be content to be completely undisciplined in the area of food and exercise and the results of that OR do something about it. The self loathing from not doing anything or poor body image is not going to cut it anymore. Either I rock the fluffy candy momma body with confidence or I take action. I'm not motivated out of vanity enough to stick to a plan. However, the times I have been most successful is when I view self denial as a fast to grow me closer to Christ. So this month I fast from all things sweet and as I do I will use it as an opportunity to give thanks, pray for a dear friends hubbers, and friends/neighbors that don't know the Lord.

- last night as we walked our street to gather candy that I now can not eat (thank goodness!) Les and I realized we have been missing a beautiful opportunity to do outreach to our neighbors. Next year we are going to sit on our lawn and invite neighbors over for smores and hot dogs. Feel more resolute to continue to put down deep roots here and take ground on our street. I feel like our work hasn't been met with much fruit BUT I can't say that I've committed to regular prayer to see hearts change in our street either. There is much opportunity here and I pray for our family to have the boldness it needs to sow a field of seeds.

1 JOHN 2:
Read this chapter tonight to the kids out of the Message. Sometimes it's really nice to have it spelled out in everyday language. Can't believe I haven't thought about reading the Message version to the kids before. 

Been wrestling with the idea of when justification actually happened in my life. Was it when I was young at church camp or when I was twenty something and finally came to the end of myself? These verses seem to clear it up a bit.

The man who says, "I know him," but does not do what he commands is a liar, and the truth is not in him. But if anyone obeys his word, God's love is truly made complete in him. This is how we know we are in him: (1 John 2:4, 5 NIV84)

I might have said the sinners prayer at 8 but as a young adult I was most definitely not obeying His commands. It's not about being perfect but it's about believing, accepting and yielding to a new authority in your life. I believe in Jesus and even accepted what He had done for me but it did not mean a thing until I was ready to yield to Christ and be willing to let go of my own authority I had on my life and accept His. I wanted the get out of hell free card but I wasn't ready to be in Him. This is probably why if I had been asked back then if I was sure I was going to heaven I would have said no. Frankly I'm not convinced I would have. 

John goes on to talk about walking in darkness and what it means to hate your brother. Then he launches into love of the world. Love these verses in the message.

15-17 Don't love the world's ways. Don't love the world's goods. Love of the world squeezes out love for the Father. Practically everything that goes on in the world—wanting your own way, wanting everything for yourself, wanting to appear important—has nothing to do with the Father. It just isolates you from him. The world and all its wanting, wanting, wanting is on the way out—but whoever does what God wants is set for eternity.

This is so awesome to me. Want to chew on this for a few days!


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