Monday, December 31, 2012

DAY 870: PSALM 122

Tired. Kid screaming. Stomach catawhompus. I've been so off my game this holiday season. Productivity is at an all time low. Tonight did not go as I had envisioned in my head. Kids completely exhausted and at each others throats all day long. Felt like all I did today was break up fights. Eh. Thankful for this crew though. Thankful that it isn't always pretty and most often it doesn't go according to plan and yet there's often much beauty even in the chaos.

Wanted to take time and reflect on 2012 but that might best be done on another day. This year was a crazy wonderful blur. It's weird marching into a new year and with a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. In excited for all that God has in store for BrownTown in 2013 but I feel sad at the possibility of all that can happen in America. I've never been more disheartened about our country. Which actually makes a perfect resolution for next year, pray fervently and consistently for our country, law makers, and president.

PSALM 122:
Can't help but read this psalm and be saddened by all that's going on in Israel right now. It seems as if our world is falling apart. Jesus come quickly. Until then may I continue to die more so that you may increase and Your light shine.

Pray for the peace of Jerusalem:
"May those who love you be secure. (Psalm 122:6 NIV84)

Wow. How can it possibly be 2013 tomorrow?

D

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Sunday, December 30, 2012

DAY 869: PSALM 121

So the WUC is staying. I tried hard to not make comments that were passive aggressive in nature or mopey or dopey. I'm sure I could have done an even better job though. There just was no win win in this situation and frankly I hate that. All this silliness over an ugly couch. I'm sure there will be beautiful and elegant sectionals in heaven that are scotch guarded.

Somebody called our kids lovely today. It was an unexpected and wonderful compliment. Lovely is not a word I would use to call our crew but the woman tonight nailed it. My kids are lovely and I wish more people understood how lovely their kids are too.

PSALM 121:
This is on a Seeds CD and its an awesome psalm. I feel much love and comfort from this Psalm. It's beautiful and I urge you to read it. Think its one of my favorites. Thankful for this sweet end to the day.

D
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DAY 868: PSALM 120

I'm a mess. Totally emotional over an ugly couch that is even borderline embarrassing. The beast is comfortable and I thought that was my deal but figured out getting rid of our WUC is not about possibly sacrificing comfort but rather sacrificing togetherness. We lived without a sectional before but I'm not sure if I can go back now. I love us all piled up in a misshapen heap. My hubs and I were talking about how quiet our Licking Lion can be when the whole crew is not around. I've noticed the same in our oldest son as well. There is strength, comfort and confidence that is being grown in BrownTown. The world can be a cruel place yet they are learning that home is a safe place. I desire that like crazy for my kiddos as this was not the case for myself.

There's so many nice homes in this city. They're filled with wives that can decorate and can actually hang things on the walls and make things look homey. Christmas trees beautifully adorned. Our tree is a perfect example of how different our home looks. Lights half pulled off by a precious baby, most ornaments made by the precious hands of Brownies, and only the top half of the tree decorated. But it's us and I wouldn't trade it for anything. I'm blabbering and tired. I think what I'm trying to get at though is to embrace the gifting God has given me. I can slowly grow in home decor and other areas that fall under the category of master of my domain. Part of being master of my domain is to fight for our family. To make this place not just look nice but to make it a refuge and a place of love. This is something I know that I can do.

My girl's stomach issues are back in full effect. Today her sweet breath smelled incredibly acetone. This to me indicates a true illness. I believe she got hit with a milder stomach bug but due to her fear of getting really sick it turned ugly fast. Little Bit is developing the same funky smell and my own stomach has been rumbling. Hoping the restlessness and sleeplessness of small fry will dissipate with the funk.

PSALM 120:
This Psalm is short and interesting to me. The last two verses in particular are intriguing.

Too long have I lived
among those who hate peace. I am a man of peace; but when I speak, they are for war. (Psalm 120:6, 7 NIV84)

Trying to let these two verses sink in but they just won't. What a miserable place this Psalmist must have been in though. Attacked through slanderous words and surrounded by a quarrelsome lot that lacked peace.

I call on the Lord in my distress, and he answers me. (Psalm 120:1 NIV84)

So thankful that this is true. The answer is not always immediate the way I desire yet He always is faithful to answer.

Save me, O Lord, from lying lips and from deceitful tongues. (Psalm 120:2 NIV84)

Our mouths are so incredibly powerful. I know I've devastated people with my mouth the way this Psalmist was devastated. I'm thankful much has changed but I still struggle with incredibly loose lips. I pray that The Lord would guide me in my desire to muzzle this sometimes foul and bitter mouth of mine.

D

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Friday, December 28, 2012

DAY 867: PSALM 119

Date night to Les Miserables tonight. It is crazy good and crazy intense. Beautiful picture of grace and the devastation that pride can cause. Interesting watching this in light of Psalm 119. The psalmist loves the law and meditates on it day and night. The character Javert is very passionate about the law and following it. He is passionate about upholding it yet his heart is hard and he lacks compassion and grace. I pray that my love of God and His Word does surpass my ability to love. It is so easy to swerve to the left and to the right. I pray that not only grows in passion for God's word but that it also grows in my ability to love. If I ever finish Bonhoeffer Les Miserables is next on my reading list. The movie just killed me and has my head and heart swirling.

Continuing our lazy days in BrownTown. Love it! Abbie's stomach starting to act up again. Poor sweet baby girl.

PS 119 vs 1-8:
Wanting to sit in this chapter for several days. It's broken up into several chunks. I'd read more than one section tonight but hoping to beat the melatonin. Sleep has been brutal lately.

The very first verse has me scratching my head.

Blessed are they whose ways are blameless, who walk according to the law of the Lord. (Psalm 119:1 NIV84)

Nobody is blameless and nobody can constantly walk in the ways of The Lord. Yet through the gift of God's grace we can be considered blameless. God wants us to walk in His ways yet He never demands perfection from us, He just requires our hearts.

Angry baby and melatonin win tonight. Really love this passage!

D

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Thursday, December 27, 2012

DAY 866: PSALM 119

Having a hard time keeping my eyes open. Thankfully a pug we are dog sitting just jumped on our bed and scared the tar out of me. Another good and lazy day. Finally got out of pj's though, if you consider yoga pants real clothes, and took a shower today. I heart the holidays.

PSALM 119:
Eyes still threatening to shut. This is the longest chapter in the bible and I find the subject very fitting. This Psalm is all about the beauty of God's word and the Psalmists desire to follow God's word with his whole heart. I am challenged by this psalm and realize just how much my desire to meditate on scripture I lack. I'm thankful for this time everyday but I need to up my game for sure. Praying that God gives me an unquenchable passion to be in His Word and that I may long and yearn to meditate on it day and night.

D

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Wednesday, December 26, 2012

DAY 865: PSALM 118

Great lazy day. We finally got Christmas dinner on the table tonight. Hopefully our traditional Happy Birthday Jesus cake will be done tomorrow. Maybe three Christmas will be the new Christmas in BrownTown.

We did our first ever family puzzle. It was the perfect size at 100 pieces. Joshua reminded me tonight why we've never tried before. He turned three and its been little toot city ever since. Good thing he's cute! Reminded me how much Luke has grown and matured this past year. That kid has had some serious victories lately. He's still on his on plan a lot of the time but its so fun to watch him succeed. Love that kid.

Been looking into Colorado a bit. Not nearly as homeschool friendly as Texas. It's not one of the worst states but definitely not great. My rule breaker self is completely turned off now. It's my kids and I should be able to choose whatever schooling option I deem fit. Big government is infuriating to me. I get it, but I still hate the limiting of freedoms. I bite my thumb at thee Colorado. There's really no other state in the top ten best homeschooling states that I'd like to move to. On the low regulation states I could possibly get fired up about Wyoming or Montana. Maybe we'll just move to Africa instead and open an orphanage. People do it and every time I hear about it I can't help but wonder why aren't we doing that. All this dreaming prompted by snow....

PSALM 118:
Heart has been aching for the past four days for a student I had in Portland. Her husband has been missing for four days. They have four children. From what I can gather he seemed pretty depressed. Afraid he either took off (best option) or I can't even type the other possibility. Hard to see how God can show up in a situation like this yet I know that He can. Loosing Les is my worst nightmare. Yet I know I must be willing to place even him on the altar. When my mind wants to travel to dark places I must remind myself of truth. No matter if the sky come crashing down I trust that God is good. I trust that God will provide and I trust that God can cause even the worst of tragedies to be used for my good. Now onto Psalm 118.

I probably started my ramble because this Psalm is about remembering God 's enduring love and faithfulness. It's a call to give thanks and praise and remember that God provides the most beautiful salvation plan that could ever be crafted. He is provider and protector. Even on the darkest of days it is the day that The Lord has made. Let us rejoice even on the most difficult days and be glad in it.

I was pushed back and about to fall,
but the Lord helped me. The Lord is my strength and my song; he has become my salvation. (Psalm 118:13, 14 NIV84)

These are some of my favorite verses. They bring me much comfort. Like these verses this Psalm is just plain beautiful. It's beautiful because of God's beauty. I love remembering the many attributes of my God. May He be my song that is forever on my lips. May I lean into Him more and more to be my very strength. May I remember on the darkest of days that He is not only my salvation forever, He is my salvation today and every day.

This is the day the Lord has made;
let us rejoice and be glad in it. (Psalm 118:24 NIV84)

Amen!

D







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Tuesday, December 25, 2012

DAY 864: LUKE 2

Great day! The snow was such a blessing!! There's something about the covering, the calming and stillness of snow that I adore. Then watching my kiddos built their first snowman solo. They problem solved and created and my heart could have melted into a thousand pieces. Must get some land where it snows for this crew. I want them to experience the fullness of God in His creation.

Good Christmas but I'm sad about how insanely exhausted I was. I was a couch slug. The nights of little sleep have hit me like a ton of bricks. So thankful for cuddles today with this precious family.

Abbie had stomach woes today. After digging with questions, researching and asking a precious friend I believe I have cracked the code! Last time my girl got a stomach but we had drama and continuing stomach issues for months and months. My girl after that first real bout of stomach funk that she can remember she's always been very squeamish at anyone gagging or possibly throwing up. My verdict is that my girl has emetophobia. Her fear of getting sick actually triggers an anxiety response which causes her to feel sick. It's very real and very sad to her. She begged God today to make her feel well. I have precious friend who also has a fear of vomiting and it matches completely. My precious girl has begged God on several occasions this week to make her well and I'm overjoyed that He has provided and answered that prayed through this precious friend. Going to call our dr tomorrow and discuss getting him to prescribe a placebo for her and discuss options to help ease her anxiety. Thankful for her ability to understand things so well. Although I hate this for my precious girl I'm so thankful to be able to talk to her about God's provision and how we are in this with her and will walk with her every step of the way. God is so very good!

Luke 2:
I'm pretty dense and never considered how incredibly scandalous Christ's arrival was. I always thought once Joseph believed Mary that she was carrying God's son that things were honkey dory afterwards. Not so much. Mary came from a tight nit community. She was talked about and was the object of much gossip and idol chatter I imagine. Joseph I'm sure had to bear just as much ridicule and shame. God picks a most unlikely couple to be the earthly parents of Jesus and His very birth is full of complete and utter scandal. The story of Joseph and Mary was not as it appeared on the outside. Before He was ever born Jesus was teaching the world that He cares not about the outward appearance but cares about our hearts. Beyond the appearance of scandal and ragamuffin sin God sees the whole story. He sees the potential. He sees nothing but beauty because we are His Father's very creation. Oh how I pray to have eyes like these. To see past sin or difficult personality to see the beauty and potential of every single one of God's children. He desperately longs to be with each of them. He desperately longs to be with me. He's willing to embrace me in the worst of states. Angry, jealous, contemptuous, weak, fearful, broken, desperate, ect He just wants me to come. I don't need to pull it together first or get cleaned up. Come. All who are weary and heavy burden and I will give you rest.

Thankful for this crazy, scandalous, unconventional, loving, faithful, mighty, strong, sovereign, healing Prince of Peace.

Merry Christmas!

D

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Monday, December 24, 2012

DAY 863: PSALM 117

Started the day off as a total grump. Then it was a complete fight to not be self absorbed and grouchy. Now I remember this while pregnant with Bella. The shame and guilt of the out of control grumpiness and desperately longing to not have to struggle. The baby that is celebrated this season is the answer. Almost lost it several times tonight at church. Overcome with gratitude for His amazing love.

Had two families over tonight who are spending Christmas without family for the first time. It was fun but even better seeing the divine appointment that happened between these two families despite some serious wonderful chaos. One from Oregon one from Minnesota. I love connecting people and love the stories that God weaves in the lives of His children. Missing several families tonight though. One I was blessed to see tonight. Missing them and missing others. Can't wait till heaven when the missing and the longing will be over.

Thankful for tonight and thankful for the reason I have a great joy.

PS 117:
Almost laughed when I saw this psalm. Two wonderful verse.

Praise the Lord, all you nations; extol him, all you peoples.

For great is his love toward us, and the faithfulness of the Lord endures forever. Praise the Lord. (Psalm 117:1, 2 NIV84)

Praying all of you enjoy praising The Lord as you remember the great love and faithfulness of our King.

D



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DAY 862: PSALM 116

Checking the box tonight. I'm tired. All shades of tired. Definitely find a correlation between my mental state and the amount of sleep I get. Took a kid in for penis drama and decided to take little bit in too. The boy is completely fine so my hubs decided to try the placebo effect on him. We'll see if tic tacs clear him right up. Sweet Muffin on the other hand has a double ear infection. I could have kissed our pediatrician when he finally removed enough wax from Bella's ears to make a candle and get a good look. Fingers crossed for glorious sleep coming my way soon.

Lots to do tomorrow but trying to not get overwhelmed. God has an amazing way if working everything out. I pray that tomorrow my heart is fixed on Him and not my stupid to do list. I pray to be the Mary I was wired to be and love to be rather than an insane Martha on crack.

One of my sweet ones boosted candy from Target today. I look back on the way I handled my oldest and I wish I could go back and do it all over again. Finding the right balance between justice and grace is one of the hardest things I've ever done. It's difficult enough without my own selfishness, impatience and agenda in the way. I know my words and my actions have bruised this sweet boys heart. The thought of it kills me. All I can do is cling to the fact that God's grace is sufficient in my weakness. He's sufficient when I choose to lean into Him and operate out of His power and His sufficient when I take control of the reigns and screw everything up. Oh how I hate screwing everything up but I'm a sinner in desperate need of God's grace. This parenting gig is insanely hard. I've never felt more inadequate at something in my entire life and I've never been blessed by a job more than this. I'm so very thankful for this big family. I needed this family to draw me closer to Christ. In my weakness, He is strong. What a great God I serve. I'm so thankful His ways are not my own!

PSALM 116:
I feel like this should be my Psalm. Will come back to this one after Christmas. It's beautiful. Little bit up. Preparing for a long night.

Because he turned his ear to me, I will call on him as long as I live. (Psalm 116:2 NIV84)

D

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Saturday, December 22, 2012

DAY 861: PSALM 115

I've been a selfish turdlet today. Hubster has the bronchitis and I longed to be sweet nurturing wife to him and kids and knock off item after item on my list but I'm exhausted. My sweet muffin loves to party in the middle of the night. It's killing me softly. I was okay this morning, albeit short with the Brownies, but come this afternoon I slammed into a wall. Felt like I could jump out of my skin and couldn't get my body to cooperate. Feel some gunk filling in my chest so I'm sure that's not helping either. Regardless bummed that I'm a desperate pooper in need of God's wonderful grace. Not bummed about the grace but bummed that it will be a blasted struggle till the day I die. Heaven will be wonderful.

PSALM 115:
I love love love this Psalm. Wish I had more in me to really dive in.

Not to us, O Lord, not to us but to your name be the glory, because of your love and faithfulness. (Psalm 115:1 NIV84)

Not to us. It's on days like these and frankly almost every day, I focus way too much on self. Not to us. Let not this day be about me but may it be all about you Lord. Oh how I pray that this would begin to be the song of my heart more often than not.

But their idols are silver and gold, made by the hands of men. (Psalm 115:4 NIV84)

Oh America you have made your own idols made out of silver and gold. They will never satisfy that deep longing and never ending ache.

Those who make them will be like them, and so will all who trust in them. (Psalm 115:8 NIV84)

This verse is chilling to me. I make my own idols. I have carved out images of comfort, self, food, idolness, and the list goes on and on. You are what you eat and often I sit and eat at the table of these idols.

You who fear him, trust in the Lord—
he is their help and shield. (Psalm 115:11 NIV84)

He is their help and their shield. Oh how I wish I could smash my idol of self reliance. He is my help and will help if I'm willing to ask.

he will bless those who fear the Lord—
small and great alike. (Psalm 115:13 NIV84)

So thankful God's ways are not like man's.

D






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DAY 860: PSALM 114

I'm a fruitcake today. Shame and guilt and feeling overwhelmed today has left me feeling like a looser. I know this is not truth and I'm thankful I no longer wallow in this place but still hard to shake the feeling at times. I don't even know what triggered everything. Lack of sleep is most likely the evil culprit. Then there's utter frustration at how it feels like my hubs is undervalued and unappreciated. He has so much more to offer but its shrugged off and he's not given credit where credit is due. Right now its almost so much so that I can't help but think God is doing something. I always think God is doing something because the truth is that He is. Love being able to rest fully in His Sovereignty.

Speaking of which I have become more fearful since my pre-Shelter days. I don't know if its all the stories I've been exposed to or the reality of how incredibly devastating being assaulted can be but I'm not the same as I once was. I'm not crippled by it by any means and maybe the fear is even healthy. In my younger years I think I swung way to far on the other end and was a complete fool. Maybe doing Shelter has just opened my eyes more to the fact that there is just plan evil out there in the world. Maybe my rosé colored glasses have been smashed.

PSALM 114:
Short Psalm. Kinda reminds me of mother goose for some reason. Not really connecting with this passage but thankful again for the reminder that God can not be contained in a box. He does not operate the way that we do. So very thankful for that!

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Thursday, December 20, 2012

DAY 859: PSALM 113

All is quiet in Barryville. Oh these three wild and wonderful boys are going to be a force to be reckoned with. It would be fabulous for this family as well as another family with three boys that I adore to be blessed with the gift of a girl. Boys are fantastic but so are tutus and my little ponies. Today was another great day to be at home. Thankful how this herd has kept me more immobile than I used to be. There is something beautiful to being at home instead of rushing every this way and that. Less tempers flared, less distraction, and often times less chaos at that abounds at home. Praying for more wisdom on how to make our home a safe haven and a place of rest. I want to make beautiful memories in our house before the boys tear it apart hinge by hinge.

I have a list of all the things that had been rolling through my head the past several days. Like yesterday though I'm actually pretty mellow. There is one thing in particular I do need to write about even though I feel very mellow about it tonight. For a long while the idea of writing my stepfather a note and mailing it has popped into my mind. I think part of me thinks what is the point but I think it would do me some good to actually have to sit down and put thoughts together. At the Shelter Celebration Dinner a gal shared that she is currently in the process of writing a letter to her perpetrator. It was like a loving swift kick to the butt from God. I probably need to set a deadline so I'll actually get it done.

This is kinda crazy but I think one of the reasons why I've neglected to write this letter is my fear that I have not truly forgiven. I come from a family who would profess forgiveness yet the bitterness still remained. I guess since the thought of talking to my stepfather and seeing him repulses me a bit I've often question whether or not my forgiveness is real. My mom had even commented one time that it wasn't like he could reach through the phone and grab me. To her credit I believe this was several years ago and I have seen much change and growth in her. Or may e its been in my ability to just love. I'm guessing its probably both. Anyway, the other day I was thinking about my refusal to call my mom in fear of having to speak to my stepdad. It's not the pretending that everything is wonderful that keeps me from calling. I'm still triggered like mad by him. His voice and being in his presence makes me want to come unglued. It's really not repulsion and its not anger driven either, its fear driven. I'm a grown woman with children of my own and I'm taken back to a scary place simply by the sound of his voice. This is most definitely enough reason to never call home ever again. None of it was my choice and unfortunately regardless consequences must continue to be paid by all. Oh how sin sucks.

Thinking back on the climate of fear in my home growing up I'm thankful that has been completely erased. Chaos can often characterize BrownTown but there's also an underlying peace, comfort and safety that's there. At least it's there for me and my goal is to make sure that the rest of those precious ones living under the same roof feel the same.
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Looking through all the cities I follow weather and longing to live where it snows. If only this place had mountains and snow. Hoping someday!

Feel like I've dropped the ball on loving on our neighbors this holiday season. Thankful our next door neighbor will be joining us for church but feel like a slacker that I haven't been able to pull anything else together. One family we know has the flu and I know a meal would probably bless them. Hopefully I can pull it together enough to bring something over tomorrow. Wow. As I wrote that I realized something pretty huge, I. Hopefully I can pull that off. This is not what God requires of me or my family. A meal would be thoughtful but if I'm in tune with Christ then He will not only provide opportunity, but provision and creativity for loving on my neighbors. I'd like to get a little treat together for neighbors and if it happens great but if not then maybe there will be other opportunity. I continue to pray for creativity and opportunity.

PSALM 113:
Nice warm and fuzzy Psalm.

From the rising of the sun to the place where it sets,

the name of the Lord is to be praised. (Psalm 113:3 NIV84)

Oh how I wish my thoughts lingered on Christ more and more. How could one mistreat another with the very remembrance of Christ on ones heart. I pray that I would become dependent on Christ for my very breath. I shudder in fear at what that could mean in my flesh. I pray that I would desire Christ more than my comfort, more than my desires, more than my health, more than my hopes and dreams, more than my happily ever after. I pray that my desire to know Christ intimately surpasses my desire for anything else.

He settles the barren woman in her home

as a happy mother of children. Praise the Lord. (Psalm 113:9 NIV84)

I pray this to be true for my friends who are struggling with infertility.

D

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Wednesday, December 19, 2012

DAY 497: PSALM 112

I'm probably about to mess everything up by writing this but nobody else has gotten sick. Maybe the voodoo magic we have been doing the past couple days is actually working. If we make it till Friday with nobody else dropping flies I think I'm going to do a funky dance.

No mental churn today, too exhausted. Sweet Muffin loves to wake up at 4am now and party. She so stinking cute its impossible to be mad. Last night she decided playing peek a boo would be awesome. She was shrieking up a storm and it was crazy cute. Unfortunately I'm not so crazy cute today. Regardless today felt like such a big win. School went pretty seamlessly and it wasn't so curriculum driven. No guilt feeling like I'm messing them up by not covering enough but not white knuckling a set curriculum either. I really enjoyed one of the books we read today too. Fingers crossed that it wasn't too intense and there won't be screams tonight over Indians and matchlock guns. I never thought if say this but I'm really enjoying this homeschooling gig. I've yet to have an Ann Voscamp school day but I'm learning when I ditch my own agenda and truly let The Lord lead time always seems to work itself out. Great lessons for me being learned in all of this.

PSALM 112:
I'm hoping and praying this is true.

Praise the Lord.
Blessed are those who fear the Lord,
who find great delight in his commands. Their children will be mighty in the land;
the generation of the upright will be blessed. (Psalm 112:1, 2 NIV)

I pray the blessing is a legacy of children whose blessing is knowing The Lord in a very intimate way and that my areas of weakness do not become stumbling blocks to them one day.

Even in darkness light dawns for the upright,
for those who are gracious and compassionate and righteous. (Psalm 112:4 NIV)

I find incredible comfort in this! Even in the darkest valleys God's hand is firmly placed alongside me.

They will have no fear of bad news;
their hearts are steadfast, trusting in the Lord. (Psalm 112:7 NIV)

I pray that I grow more and more in this. I pray that I become willing to offer it all back to God knowing that His ways are good.

D

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DAY 496: PSALM 111

I still have so much incredible churn and I have no idea how I'm going to get after it considering its already crazy late. Ill have to worry about the weekend later and try to just deal with today.

My sweet baby girl came down with a stomach bug. Hate that she has been sick but so thankful it struck in the am instead of when they normally tend to hit around here. Trying charcoal, grape juice and probiotics to see if I can steer clear of it and maybe spare some other Brownies along the way too.

Tonight the sweet mentor moms at the Nest treated us to a fancy Christmas Party Dinner. It was fantastic. I arrived late but still question if I should have ever arrived tonight. Lots of chaos this evening. Little boy screaming over his penis and sweet girl who was feeling better felt bad again and all sorts of other fun. I gladly left with visions of spending time with women I adore and a quiet yummy dinner. Frankly I put myself first tonight. My family needed me and I went to go do what I wanted to do. My sweet girl told me that she cried when she found out I was gone. I had left with the two littles crying but came to find out four were wailing after I walked out the door. The truth is I was blessed by the dinner. Blessed by the company and the walk around a house that held the beautiful fingerprints of a beautiful family. Two stories woven together to create beauty. I adored every moment of it. A wife who has hung honor and respect for her husband all over the walls of her home. I pray I would begin to do the same in such a manner that would make my husband stand boldly with confidence.

I saw beauty everywhere tonight. I was even reminded that the reason God made each and everyone of us so different is because we each have a piece of the story. A good story is not written with perfect people who all have the same backgrounds and gifts. I love how I am constantly reminded how wonderful the body of Christ is every time I get together with the Nest team. Thankful to be apart of it.

So back to I should t have gone tonight. I was filled tonight in incredible ways and for that I am thankful. However, I'm beginning to learn that God's provision shows up in the most unexpected ways and if I had chosen to stay home and love on my husband and my babies God could have still filled my tank and still reminded of the beautiful truths that He did tonight. Thankful to love a God who is not constrained by time or space. Continuing to pray that I am converted over to a hardcore Christian Hedonist.

Stomach bug update. Stomach fine, slightly rumbly maybe but feeling chills. Hubs stomach is not doing as well. On that I'm out. Really like this psalm tonight. Perfect for tonight!

D


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Tuesday, December 18, 2012

DAY 495: GENESIS 37, 39-41

Had a lot to unpack tonight especially after a night at celebration dinner. But in light of what has happened in CT I chose to speak to my childhood BFF and now its late and my eyes won't stay open. God whacked me over the head tonight with confirmation and a swift loving kick to the bottom tonight. Will explain tomorrow.

Chose the story of Joseph tonight as I continue to be frustrated by certain circumstances. I can't see past what I know and I'm just stinking perplexed. Yet I feel it in my very bones that God has it all covered and that He is working diligently in the details even if I can't see it being done. I'm confident God has a beautiful plan and He's working it out right now even as I type. It's hard to not to fixate on circumstances and be frustrated.

D




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Sunday, December 16, 2012

DAY 494: PSALM 110

I don't even know where to start. I feel like so much has been swishing around in my head the last several days. I think I'll start with Costa Rica. Mainly because something my husband said tonight had rocked my world a bit. Crazy honored to be given the much covered Costa Rica trip. The reasons that we were told for why has me completely floored and humbled. Will have to write about that hopefully in a bit. Costa Rica super exciting but found out its very possible the date of the trip will be about the time Baby Sundae is due. I'm confident that if God wants to bless us with this trip He will make all the unknown details come together. Yesterday my hubs wrote an email to our pastor explaining the situation. Here's an interesting bit of flesh I must share. I didn't want to write that email yet. Twenty percent of all pregnancies end in miscarriage. The thought of loosing this baby and loosing my possible consultation prize was not a pleasant though. I wrote the word consultation prize because in my flesh those are the exact words I thought. I knew the email needed to be written that day. There is a possibility I could loose this precious baby but for today I can rejoice about new life and not worry about tomorrow. If God's plan for Baby Sundae is to see Him instead of breathing breath here on earth then may this short life glorify God the creator of all things. Costa Rica won't take away the pain of that loss.

Tonight my hubster mentioned that it occurred to him that some people would take care of the possible obstacle standing in the way of a great vacation. This breaks my heart because I know it probably happens more often than we would like to think. Maybe this is part of the reason why God has chosen to bless us with all these children. In some ways it so sad that large families flip people out. Children really are a blessing from The Lord. I believe this fully. Yes the are an inconvenience and yes they are incredibly difficult but the blessing that they are surpasses all the difficulty and all my feelings of inadequacy. I still struggle with those things but the struggle is worth it.

Oh so much more to ramble on about but my eye lids are droopy.

PSALM 110:
I know there is much I'm not getting out if this psalm. I'm sure it's a prophetic psalm even. I think I deal a lot better with the idea of the Lord's love, grace and mercy than His wrath. I think most people like the idea of grace rather than God's justice and His wrath. This part of God can't be separated out of who He is. I think not taking into consideration the fullness of who God is that gets us in deep trouble. I have only just begun to scratch the surface of knowing who God is. I pray my life long mission is to know Him more and more fully.

I read an article today about what it means to be a Christian Hedonist. Like the author of the article I pray that is who I become, a Christian Hedonist whose soul purpose is finding their upmost fulfillment from God. I want to fill that God sized hole with the real deal and not all the cheap imitation crap I often try to fill it with.

D

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Saturday, December 15, 2012

DAY 493: PSALM 109

Fun evening celebrating a friend tonight. I'm exhausted though. Precious hours of sleep have been too few.

Have a whole lot to unpack but will have to wait till tomorrow. Too tired tonight.

PSALM 109:
Ill keep it real and admit this is so not the kind of Psalm I wanted to read tonight. It seems to lack grace and in some ways almost even self serving. After the wake of CT some of the verses just ache my heart. I'm thankful this Psalm was included though. It's a reminder that I don't need to be brave for God. I don't need to fake it till I make it and He's okay with nothing but raw emotion. He's not offended or upset by the vast amounts of emotions I can go through on one given day like today. I find much comfort in this.

When it all comes down to it this is what is really going on with this psalmist.

For I am poor and needy,
and my heart is wounded within me. (Psalm 109:22 NIV84)

I'm so thankful for the daily reminders that I am poor and needy. I'm so incredibly thankful for a much needed Savior who came as a tiny helpless babe. A baby born in a lowly manger. Just the thought gets me every time.

D

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DAY 492: PSALM 108

I'm at a loss of words tonight. Given a trip to Costa Rica and come home to a clean house. Crazy blessed today. Crazy tired today. My little pipsqueak had another early morning jam session. Speaking of pipsqueak she is still up singing twinkle little star. Love that baby girl who likes to rock.

Sad to just check the box after an insane day full of blessing. Still blown away by unexpected grace today. Don't deserve any of what we received today and yet God chose to bless us anyway. Head spinning a bit over it.

PSALM 108:
For great is your love, higher than the heavens;
your faithfulness reaches to the skies. (Psalm 108:4 NIV84)

I think it's quite clear that I have no clue what this truly means. Praying that my heart might continue to understand it more and more.

D

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Thursday, December 13, 2012

DAY 491: PSALM 107

Good day. Kids woke up at almost 9am thanks to Hanukkah fun last night with precious friends. Then another cherish friend stopped by. Oh how God has changed this already beautiful woman. A confidence and glow that had not been there before. Almost cried over the transformation. God is so very faithful. Thankful for her friendship and just to know that there's yet another friend willing to do the hard work or knowing Jesus more and claiming freedom! Love my God. Love that He exchanges beauty for ashes. Love that He has a purpose for every single thing.

Have two precious friends struggling. Both feel very much like sisters. Both struggling with how difficult motherhood can be. One yet to have seen her baby with her own eyes and already experiencing the weight and pain of motherhood. The other I've watched raise two wonderful boys who I adore. They are fantastic and I adore the way she loves them. Yet God doesn't just give us children so that we will be happy. Part of the blessing in children is that they sanctify us. They make us realize how powerless we truly are and how much we desperately need Jesus.

Tonight we went to Santa's Village and my kids started a share fest that all started with another boys popped balloon. One lead out and shared and it caught on like wildfire. One woman saw it happen and commented on what a great job we must be doing. In my flesh I'd like to take credit but I'm not responsible for the good choices or the bad choices they make. It's my job to be faithful with each day God has given me with them. Often I blow it big time but in between my hubster and I are trying to disciple them. Ultimately though we can't make them do a darn thing. They have to be willing to yield to our instruction but more importantly God. I desire to learn how to be more and more faithful but ultimately they are great kids because that's who God wired them to be. There's lots of humble pie, feelings of complete helplessness, and pleading with God in between. So thankful for how much my kiddos force me to rely on Christ. I'm never truly in a good place when I think I've got life covered.

PSALM 107:
Love this psalm! The author talks about all the different ways we come across trouble in life. This psalm reminds us of how God answers our pleas for help and wants to help us. Even when we struggle because of our own poor choices due to circumstances, ignorance and even rebellion He still is willing to help us when we call. His love is so contrary to my own love. I pray my Father teaches me to give and love abundantly like He does.

Love this verse!
He brought them out of darkness and the deepest gloom and broke away their chains. (Psalm 107:14 NIV84)

So thankful to read this today, to know its true in my own life and to see it first hand today.

This verse is repeated after each circumstance it lists and how God rescues His people.

Let them give thanks to the Lord for his unfailing love
and his wonderful deeds for men, (Psalm 107:15 NIV84)

I pray my friends who know Jesus and those alike who don't join me in this thanksgiving!!

D



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Wednesday, December 12, 2012

DAY 490: PSALM 106

Wonderfully full day. Had a crazy headache for most of it but this is life in Big D. I truly think I'm just straight up allergic to this place. Despite the sinus issues beautiful day spent with beautiful friends. Going to bed with a mostly full tank. Now just need some time with my hubster.

PS 106:
Love this psalm. It's a beautiful picture of God's faithfulness despite our own wayward hearts. Want to dive in deep but most do that tomorrow. Chips, queso and a smoking hot hubster are calling my name.

D

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Tuesday, December 11, 2012

DAY 489: PSALM 105

Sleepy. My precious baby woke up at 4:30 and it took a long while to get her back to sleep. Having a hard time trying to get my boys to do their chores. Mainly it's clean their room. I know they are capable as they can do it when they want to. I'm kinda at a loss. What am I missing? I know the nagging must stop. I must give my request have them repeat it back and leave it at that. The consequence or reward should speak for itself. We have been reading books on colonial times and those children didn't hesitate to help out and pull their weight. They knew they were an important part of the family and play was a privilege not a right. Here in lies part of the answer, those families often did it together. Laura and Mary Ingalls often did work WITH their mother. Boys often did work WITH their fathers. I want to send them on their merry way to do their chores all alone so that I might get to the things on my to do list. I take a divide and conquer approach but what they want and what would benefit them most would be a work together mentality. Oh I can be so slow to learn and so self centered in my approach.

A sweet friend sent me notes from a parenting book today. The notes on unconditional love and the importance of giving my children my undivided attention has rocked me. I often don't give my children my undivided attention. I'm always thinking about the ten other things that need to get done lately. As most things do this all boils down to trust. Do I trust that God will provide for me every single day? Most often my actions say no. There is much tension in not getting wrapped up in a never ending to do list and daily doldrums while still knowing things must get done to keep the family afloat. I don't entrust my day enough to The Lord. This is a sad realization.

PSALM 105:
I was kinda at a loss tonight when i realized i actually finished the Journey this year. first time completed in 6 years. thankful.

I really like the first 5 verses of this Psalm. I reminded that when our hearts are truly turned towards thanksgiving the focus comes off of ourselves and onto God. Paul often speaks of the important a of rejoicing in the Lord always. When we strive to do this in any and all circumstances we have the key to keeping our focus on Christ.

Favorite verse of this Psalm:
Look to the Lord and his strength;
seek his face always. (Psalm 105:4 NIV84)

Simple and no new truths but such a beautiful reminder.

D

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Monday, December 10, 2012

DAY 848: REV 22

I can't even begin to unpack all the emotional crack I smoked today. I'm thankful who God made me to be but goodness it seems it would be a lot easier to be more even keel and less excitable. Still struggling with grumpiness and anger but hopefully now have a better grasp and handle on it. Ha! Today was a very interesting variety and although I wouldn't call it a good day in my flesh it was a most perfect day for growing, remembering that love should always come first over a stupid to do list, and giving thanks in all circumstances.

Had good conversation tonight with my hubster. I'm sure he appreciates the dramatic approach I take every time I have something to talk about. So very thankful for the man that I married! Love that marriage isn't ultimately about my happiness but rather is designed for me to love and be loved the way God intended. I happen to get the bonus of being happy most of the time which i am so thankful for! I have such a long way to go to becoming the wife that God created me to be but ever so thankful for a hubster who is patient.

REV 22:
This chapter is more beautiful than my mind can imagine. I read the words and take them for granted instead of fully comprehending how incredible all of this will be. Yet there's no way I could possibly understand this. I know a world full of brokenness and darkness. I know about suffering, heartache, pain and sadness. I understand the chaos that the prince of darkness can bring and the rubble that his lies brings into the hearts and lives of people. I can't fathom a world without darkness. I can't fathom a world where there is not an evil one who tries to twist and distort the beauty that God intended. Yet I know a God who is powerful. A God who can change the distortion, the pain and sorrow and create beauty from chaos. I can't wait to fully understand it and be able to see the light without the tainting of the darkness.

They will see his face, and his name will be on their foreheads. There will be no more night. They will not need the light of a lamp or the light of the sun, for the Lord God will give them light. And they will reign for ever and ever. (Revelation 22:4, 5 NIV84)

Fight hard and persevere my dear brothers and sisters. The battle rages on and the fight is daily but take heart The Lord your God will be with you and will help strengthen the backs of the weary and heavy laden. Lean into the light flee from the darkness and remember always that you are loved beyond your wildest imagination!

D



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Sunday, December 09, 2012

DAY 847: REV 21

Been struggling with anger. I'm so over it. It's exhausting and full of self centeredness. I'm not quite sure what the deal is and why I'm a smoldering volcano. To add to the fun and chaos out of nowhere pure rage against my stepdad. It didn't last long but it was sheer rage and very raw. Who knows maybe something is triggering the past. All I know is that I'm not in a happy place right now and it's draining. Wish I could sort through it. For all I know it's insane pms wrapped up in a tired sandwich. Trying to lean into Christ and hold thoughts captive but feel like I'm failing miserably. I must remember that God does not desire perfection and I'm sure He's pleased when I at least try to engage in the battle instead of laying down my weapons and being crushed by sin.

On another random note a couple that got on the wait list for Ethiopia only four months before us finally got a referral and had their court date Nov 30th. Their daughter Bethany is beautiful. I don't even know why I wrote that. Maybe it's to remind myself that chapter of our lives actually did exist. There is an ache that remains for a reason.

REV 21:
-"now the dwelling of God is with men".
This sounds so incredibly fantastic to me. To be able to see God, physically be with God, and to be able to be hugged by God. I feel like I could remain in His arms forever.

He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away." (Revelation 21:4 NIV84)

Praise God that the old order will pass. This verse gives me much hope that all this mess here on earth truly is just temporal. I pray my focus may be fixed on the eternal so that I might not be swept away with the circumstances of the eternal.

He said to me: "It is done. I am the Alpha and the Omega, the Beginning and the End. To him who is thirsty I will give to drink without cost from the spring of the water of life. He who overcomes will inherit all this, and I will be his God and he will be my son. (Revelation 21:6, 7 NIV84)

I adore these verses. I feel so thirsty right now. So thankful God has opened my eyes to even realize how thirsty I am. I was dying of thirst when Jesus stepped in. I want to be an overcomer. I find it interesting and so very fitting that the word overcome was chosen. He who overcomes. I have so very much to overcome, my junk can be massively overwhelming at times and yet I'm reminded that Jesus truly did overcome all on the cross.

I did not see a temple in the city, because the Lord God Almighty and the Lamb are its temple. The city does not need the sun or the moon to shine on it, for the glory of God gives it light, and the Lamb is its lamp. The nations will walk by its light, and the kings of the earth will bring their splendor into it. (Revelation 21:22-24 NIV84)

Love these verses!! Can't wait!

D



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Saturday, December 08, 2012

DAY 846: PSALM 104

Been a grumpalumpa to my hubster lately. This staycation is not what I had envisioned. If you were to ask me what I had in mind I couldn't give you a very detailed answer either. Unmet expectations can be a stinker BUT I have my part to play. I didn't communicate what I wanted so its not fair to be passive aggressive in my anger towards my hubs. If I honestly looked at my expectations I'd probably find a theme of self centeredness. I'm a selfish beast straight to the core. my grumpy disposition probably has much to do with lack of sleep as well. Oh how it pains me to go to bed before 10 or even 11 but I could use a month solid of such sleep.

My sweet adopted little sister is in the hospital trying hard not to have her first baby early. My heart aches for her. There's something so beautiful about that first pregnancy. This is not what anyone dreams of when they envision becoming a momma. I know that God has a plan even in this. It's given me opportunity to give thanks over how relatively easy and complication free my pregnancies have been. I often take it all for granted.

PSALM 104:
Interesting Psalm about how God is the great creator in light of Rev 21. I find much peace in the fact that God created everything and with everything God has a purpose.

I praise these two verse become the song of my heart.

I will sing to the Lord all my life;

I will sing praise to my God as long as I live.

May my meditation be pleasing to him,

as I rejoice in the Lord. (Psalm 104:33, 34 NIV84)

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DAY 845: REV 21

Mailing it in tonight. Great full day! Great time this morning at the new science museum with friends who had a birthday boy too! Very sweet that both of our 5th children share the same birthday. Can't believe my baby is one! They just do not stay babies for very long. We decided to play Bethlehem Revisited by ear and pulled the trigger to go at 2pm. Then decided on an impromptu cupcakes for Bella with the two families we went to BR with. Kind of a crazy mad dash out the door just to encounter an extra hour of traffic but it was all good.

Bethlehem Revisited was neat but was kinda put out by a couple of their people "in character". One of the Roman guards barked at Paul and pushed him back with a stick while telling everybody that children were worse than animals. I get the role playing but think it was definitely over the top. My boy was scared and feelings most definitely hurt. We had been there maybe 20 minutes and after that my sweet boy was ready to go. Showed him the manger with Mary and Joseph after we got him calmed down a bit and then another knucklehead yelled for everybody to get away once M & J had left, in character I get it, but then said he had eaten baby Jesus. Im not against shock value but both things were pretty off putting. My hubs and I are debating about writing the church a note about the experience. It was really neat and I get that they were trying to really make it seem like Bethlehem but we might not be able to go next year simply because my kiddo was that upset.

REV 21:
Have to revisit this chapter tomorrow. Incredible stuff in here. For tonight all I can say is I can't wait for heaven!

D

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Thursday, December 06, 2012

DAY 843: REV 20

This chapter is pretty nutty to me. The first death and the second death. It's like a crazy code I can't crack. I might be completely obtuse but I can't see anything about the rapture and judging from this chapter it almost seems post trib to me. Honestly to me it matters not when the rapture occurs. If I get to be apart of it and it brings God more glory to be a martyr than be whisked off to heaven then so be it. 

Read this in commentary and I love it!!

a. An angel coming down from heaven: The angel that will subdue Satan is anonymous.  It is not Jesus Himself, nor is it Michael or Gabriel or any other high-ranking angel

i. "The final importance of Satan is perhaps indicated in the fact that it is not the Father who deals with him, nor the Christ, but only an unnamed angel." (Morris)

b. This is a dramatic declaration that Satan is not God's opposite or equal; and that God could easily stop Satan's activity at any time.  Yet God allows Satan to continue, because even in his evil, he indirectly serves the purposes of God.

God is Sovereign and I find great peace in that. I still tend to throw massive tantrums when things do not go as I planned yet I still hold onto that deep hope and peace that God has everything under control.

Need to wrap this up. Must get to the store before it closes. Can't believe my baby turns 1 tomorrow!

D

DAY 842: REV 19

Trying to find a sitter is one of my least favorite things. Reason number 900 that I'm so thankful for date night swap. Done complaining. Today was an interesting day. I'm a total slacker on my current bible study. Even so I'm still soaking things up. One gal continues to challenge me. I love the way she loves people and tries to find common ground regardless of differing backgrounds. Very challenged and spurred on by that. There's a very obvious blind spot too that there seems to be unwillingness to look at. What are my glaring blind spots? I believe we all have them. We all have our junk in the trunk. In my flesh I hate them. I hate my shortcomings and my weaknesses and my frailties. Yet I'm learning to embrace them more and view them as something beautiful. It's my weakness that draws me closer to Christ. For when I am made weak Christ is strong. I think I'm starting to understand this much more. I often would kick against the goads of my weaknesses. I thought this verse meant that when I had nothing left then Christ is made strong. This is true yet it's in all my weaknesses, every last one of them. It's in my addiction to food, comfort, insecurity, pride, self reliance, ect. For in all my weaknesses God's grace is sufficient to cover all my shortcomings and failures. As a mom who hates to fail as a parent God's grace is sufficient in my harsh words, my mistakes, my inadequacy, my every failure.

I've been struggling the past couple days with feeling completely overwhelmed. We need to pull up our boot straps and be leaner on our budget, our house needs more order, school needs more planning and attention, our family needs to live a more active lifestyle, yada, yada, yada, yada. Who knew the chapter on Lifegiver of my bible study would add to the angst. There's not a single thing I'm knocking out of the park. I'm mediocre if even that at most things. When I sit and dwell on that I could go into a frenzy. That's when I get to hold the overwhelming thoughts captive. Give thanks for an opportunity to ditch self reliance and lean into Christ. He has yet to let me down. He provides in crazy abundant ways. Yet often I rely on self and I fall flat every single time. God doesn't require perfection from me so why do I make that my standard?

As I was driving home today it occurred to me that I could do this all so much better if I was sending my kids to school. Next year I'd have three away. I would have a whole other can of worms to deal with if my Brownies were off at school but I would have some off my plate. I'm open to doing whatever God would have us do. As I was praying it was pretty clear that God said He would provide. I mustn't compare myself or our family to others. God will provide the rhythm our family needs to function.

Today a neighbor stopped by with her sweet baby girl. Oh how my heart aches for this family. The sweet momma is so full of it and she doesn't even know it. It looks different but it reminds me of another neighbor and another that left recently. The truth is without Christ we are full of it. Without Christ we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us. This verse came alive to me tonight:

"Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. (Matthew 5:3 NIV)

It's so funny that I used to think this was for other people. I thought that because I was full of it and had no idea how poor in spirit I truly was. Blessed are the poor in spirit. Every single one of us is poor in spirit. We are blessed when we come to the end of ourselves and realize that we are in desperate need of Jesus. It was God who brought me to that place, who opened my eyes, who loved me enough to discipline me in order to draw me to Himself.

As I heard my sweet neighbor i was given a new set of eyes and compassion. Wish I could go into all of it but there is so much to dig through. Thankful for the blessing of my neighbor and her precious baby girl today. Thankful that for whatever reason she stopped by to tell us she was back. I pray for soft hearts and broken spirits willing to surrender fully to Christ.

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Great conversation with my hubster tonight. Love how God almost always brings us together in a united front. Even when He doesn't I know that in the end with both of us being willing to yield to Christ we ultimately will get back on the same page. So incredibly thankful for Team Brown and the crazy story He is weaving in our lives.

REV 19:
Wow. This chapter gets me all kinds of fired up. King Freaking Jesus. King of all Kings and Lord of all Lords. There is a part of me that really wants the poo to hit the fan. Things have to get much worse before the end times can be ushered in. All I can say is Jesus come quickly. I can not wait to be at the wedding supper of the Lamb. Can not wait! We get to be with King Jesus for an eternity! I can't believe I ever thought heaven be boring. Yes I did think that. I just didn't know King Jesus. Can't wait to see Him face to face. Can't believe because of what He did for me that I even get to be with Him much less for eternity. God please help me not be focused on the temporal but rather the eternal!

This verse blows my mind like crazy.

He is dressed in a robe dipped in blood, and his name is the Word of God. (Revelation 19:13 NIV)

This verse is just sheer awesomeness.

On his robe and on his thigh he has this name written:
king of kings and lord of lords. (Revelation 19:16 NIV)

Can not wait!!

D
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Tuesday, December 04, 2012

DAY 842: REV 18

Oh parenting whoas today. Boys disobedient and are now tearing up their room instead of us enjoying a family movie together. Still exhausted and sinus junk with lots of grouchy. Benadryl early tonight.

Insecurity reared it's ugly head. Trying to figure out root and why. Really could be from not getting enough sleep. I'm sure parenting today had a lot to do with that as well. Shorter fuse and lack of mental ability to process.

Boys acting nuts at a complete loss. Don't know what else to do but bring down the hammer of Thor.

This will be quick as I'm hoping for early bed time, need to give my girl my full attention and have some boys to deal with.

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Okay think I have some insight into nutty boy syndrome. They need to be aired out. I don't want to whine and loath our small backyard but I need to be taking these knuckleheads to the park to run and conquer. When I think about all that I should be doing to be a "good" parent it gets crazy overwhelming. I don't want to be loading them up to go somewhere every five minutes. I was never much of a homebody but once we hit four kids it's just so much easier. I can't possibly keep up when we are go, go, go. In fact, if anything we need to scale back. I don't know how to keep this crazy wonderful Mothership afloat. This is a beautiful place for my self reliant butt to be.

Good conversation tonight with my baby girl. She is growing up so fast and I miss too much being distracted by this stupid phone. Thinking about doing some kind of Internet detox during advent. Things slow down a ton during advent so that might be a good time to try something different. I think my dependency hit home yesterday when Les went out and his phone was dead. As he left I asked him if he wanted to take mine. Why? People actually did live and function pre-Internet on phone, and gasp pre cell phone. Conveniences are a blessing and a curse. A lot of the "conveniences" we have today are actually making us sick. I think constant connectedness can make us soul sick.

REV 18:
Oh mystery Babylon. All of this is incredibly interesting. I might be completely nuts but this sounds so America to me. The apostasy of the church and America being a huge super power. The pieces seem to fit together. Modern Babylon or not this place is going to get nuts if we continue to stay on the course we are headed in. It is so sad.

D

Monday, December 03, 2012

DAY 841: REV 17

Hoping my nose is going nuts over the kid crud and not from our Christmas tree we got tonight. If it is that seals our fate as a fake Christmas tree kinda family. I still dream of the possibility of one day chopping our tree down in a forrest again. A five dollar Christmas tree is my kinda tree.

Still all kinds of tired. The Jimmy legs have been brutal the last couple days. Thankful for good coffee and staycation. Wish I hadn't been so grumpy today.

REV 17:
Oh Babylon. Hard to read this knowing where America is headed. The world wants Godless rulers and that's exactly what the world will get. Praying that the church arises and stands firm without wavering. Patient endurance.

D


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Sunday, December 02, 2012

DAY 840: REV 16

Another poor night of sleep. Thankful for a nap yesterday. Once I ditched my to do's and agenda last night things went much better. All my brownies snuck into bed with me. I giggled with the boys but eventually had to kick then out since they were keeping up the girls. Saying the girls is just as awesome as saying the boys. I truly am a blessed woman.

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Interesting watching my two bigs tonight at church. My boys are so much more hesitant without each other. Paul is definitely not the show stopper than some of our other kids are but he is such a sweet kid. He's respectful and not scared to answer. I think his deal will be to have a couple friendships that run deep opposed to many surface level friendships.

My oldest was a complete hambone with another girl at church and stirred up the rest of the class. It was insane. The desire to make people laugh and be silly runs deep in my girl. The other hambone has a pretty significant birthmark on her face and Abbie could careless. She met a silly and funny girl who she now wants to be BFF's with.

REV 16:
I think I keep doing the same chapters over and over again. They are so mind blowing that I'm sure I could read the same chapter for weeks. The plagues sound horrible. Just like in Egypt God's people will be protected. Those who are subjected to the wrath of the plagues instead of turning to God will continue to shake their fist at God and reject Him. It's interesting to me what will make one person turn their hearts towards God and one heart turn to stone. This is where I'm leaving it tonight so I can join in on the Jesse Tree.

D

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Saturday, December 01, 2012

DAY 839: 1 COR 13

Got in a two hour nap this afternoon but woke up a total crabcake. I think I could have fallen asleep this afternoon and stayed asleep till morning. So crazy exhausted. Hit my wall with the kiddos this evening after going to Jungle McD's. They were mostly fantastic. So proud of them for the way they stuck together and loved and protected each other. Abbie even tried to love on a boy who was being a total punk to everybody. Met a sweet Ethiopian family while we were there. Was hoping for an opportunity to share the gospel but I couldn't figure out a way to make conversation go that way especially without getting blubbery over Ethiopia.

Another Christmas Brunch went down today. My hubs is so crazy talented. Thankful for that man. This morning was a beautiful picture of what things look like when the Body of Christ serves together in their giftedness.

Two little boys in my bed keeping their baby sister up and I want to explode like Mt. Krakatoa. I know I'll miss this like crazy and I want to love them instead of being crazy selfish but I want to clock out. Selfish beast. I have friends who hardly ever get to clock out. They hit their wall and must keep going regardless. It's in these moments I need to lean in with all my might so that I might choose love.

1 COR 13:
Since I'm having such an incredibly hard time being kind and living I thought this chapter would be appropriate. Heart still crazy grumpy and cloudy. Probably because I really wanted to get this done before my eyes fused shut or my hubster came home. So I'm waving the white flag and ending so I can choose love. If I write this and read God's Word yet have no love, I am nothing.

D

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