Thursday, January 31, 2013


I feel grossssssss. Thankful for the reason and thankful to get aired out at the park today and for friends. Beautiful day. I'm so ready for spring!

This morning my hubster took the three youngest and went grocery shopping. Such a huge relief and blessing to me. I stayed home and did school and it actually only took about the 2ish hours it should take at this point. It was a glorious morning besides feeling sick. I feel like I'm dragging my weary bones around in my frumpy exhausted attire and haggard face. I'm not the best at faking it till I make it.

Proverbs 6:
It's funny to me that so far in almost every chapter of proverbs so far there is warnings about the adulterous woman. Solomon was the product of the union of an adulterous woman. I can't say he had a great no lust record for himself either. It's all very interesting.

(I'm the human paci right now and I think my teeth might start falling out.)

Love these verses:
My son, keep your father's command
and do not forsake your mother's teaching. Bind them always on your heart;
fasten them around your neck. When you walk, they will guide you;
when you sleep, they will watch over you;
when you awake, they will speak to you. For this command is a lamp,
this teaching is a light,
and correction and instruction
are the way to life, (Proverbs 6:20-23 NIV)

I hope my children will look back and feel this way about the instruction Les and I give them. The only way this will happen is if we both stay rooted and grounded in God's Word. It's the only way to pass down a beautiful legacy.


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Wednesday, January 30, 2013


Holy smokes it feels so good to lay down. Felt rough all day today. I keep hoping I'll find the magical food that will make my carsick stomach feel better. I think its cookie cake.

In bible study we went over wisdom. Big gut punch. I know the food we should be eating as a family but we so don't. I lack the domestic ability and frugality and right now the energy to act on the wisdom that I know. I know I can grow in this area and improve but tonight it all just seems completely impossible. Why is eating clean healthy so incredibly expensive? I want to kick shame and guilt to the curb but for now I feel incredibly loosery and want to cry over a giant piece of processed cookie cake.

Found myself operating out of self today. My boys have been extra challenging lately. I'm at a loss for what to do with the oldest who has been struggling with a pretty stinker attitude. It's wearing me down. Little toot is trying to walk right in his big bro's footsteps and is suffering for kleptomania right now. This parenting gig is not easy but I wouldn't trade it for anything.

This chapter talks about how folly and evil ways lead to a destitute life. Some great verses to read to my boy who has folly bound up in his little heart right now. I haven't been using corporal punishment with him but it might do his heart some good. Will pray through that.

This was my favorite verse of the chapter.

For your ways are in full view of the Lord,
and he examines all your paths. (Proverbs 5:21 NIV)

You can't fool
God. He knows it all.


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Tuesday, January 29, 2013


I can not wait till I'm asleep. I think even my toenails are tired. So glad I'm still up for sweet Bella Boo kisses though. This little girl kills me. This will be short as I'm getting the full court nausea press tonight. Need to figure out something to shove into my pie hole that will make it stop.

I can't believe its only Tuesday. It feels like it should be Thursday already. Boys were destructive today and my oldest is having a super hard time right now. I'm having a hard time with his hard time. Should pray about it. Why are the most obvious things the hardest to remember?

Watched some Joel Osteen last night. Oy! I think one of Satan's most brilliant plans is the shades of truth bit he's got such a great market on. There were elements of truth in what Joel said but its so obvious it was more about feeling good and using your own strength to name and claim the blessings of God. Some of what he was saying is actually what addicts do. Mind blowing.

My oldest is signed up for overnight camp. She is going to do great. I on the other hand am going to be a wreck. I'm not worried about her safety or about her being miserable. I'm going to miss her like crazy. One day she'll walk out of our house and will be off to start her very own new adventure. It will happen before I know it. God help me not squander away the days. Help me to seize the moment each and every day. The years are quick and they won't be mine forever.

Proverbs 4:
Great chapter. Again its hard to settle on just a few verses. In this chapter of proverbs Solomon instructs his son to cling to wisdom and understanding and to flee from the paths of evil.

For I too was a son to my father,
still tender, and cherished by my mother. (Proverbs 4:3 NIV)

Loved this verse. I pray that despite my lack of patience, sharp tones and other selfishness my kids feel cherished. I really need to ask God to help me step up my game in this department. I want my kids to know they are an absolutely blessing and not feel as if they are a burden. Unfortunately, too often I treat them as if they were burdens rather than the blessings that they truly are.

The beginning of wisdom is this: Get wisdom.
Though it cost all you have, get understanding. (Proverbs 4:7 NIV)

Munching on the though it cost you all you have.

I instruct you in the way of wisdom
and lead you along straight paths. When you walk, your steps will not be hampered;
when you run, you will not stumble. (Proverbs 4:11, 12 NIV)

I would love to pass this kind of legacy down to my children. I can't pass on what I don't have so I must continue to pursue wisdom and understanding myself. The only way I know how to do that is by diving into this book every day. I pray my passion and my desire to be in God's word would spur me on to want to read my bible over any other leisurely activity. I want to yearn for it. I hesitate writing that knowing the times in my life when I have yearned for scripture has been when I've walked in deep valleys. I pray it would not take a dark night to make me yearn for God's Word.

Above all else, guard your heart,
for everything you do flows from it. (Proverbs 4:23 NIV)

Is that the truth or what? May I not self protect and may The Lord continue to root out the selfishness that is so deep rooted in my heart.

Give careful thought to the paths for your feet
and be steadfast in all your ways. Do not turn to the right or the left;
keep your foot from evil. (Proverbs 4:26, 27 NIV)

Do not turn to the left or to the right. This is the most difficult thing. The funny thing about it is its the difficulty that helps keep is tethered to Christ. Prone to wander Lord I feel it. Prone to leave the God I love. Here's my heart Lord take and seal it, seal it for thy courts above.


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Monday, January 28, 2013


Putting the small frys to bed and taking a breather from this train wreck of a day. This morning my hubster read Psalm 133 and we discussed what it would look like to have peace with one another. We have had anything but peace today. Thankfully regardless of the chaos today I can honestly say I have not been on the peace breaking side of things. This has nothing to do with my ability but rather my choice today to start off in Him and grasp like mad to remain there. I will say right now I'm finding much peace snuggling with two sweet ones. One is using me as a paci and the other has his finger in his beloved lovey which unfortunately happens to be my belly button. Thankful for these two and their constant reminder that God's plan and His timing is perfect.

School has been a lost cause today. I tried to start off with a fun art lessons but as the demanding and bad attitudes of children escalated that was nixed. There has been many lessons on character this morning. Since the wheels have flown completely off "academics" I think it best to finish out the day engrossed in good literature instead of being a slave to a to do list. I truly want our measure of success to be whether or not they were taught scripture or not. If so then whatever else happens through out the day I desire to count it as icing on the cake.

I want to scratch my face off. Open doors today. Oh tree pollen how I loathe thee.

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Sunday, January 27, 2013


Feeling better cold wise. Having a hard time breathing last night and today. Thinking its the pollen on crack. I'm going to have to put on my big girl pants and go to a dr this year and figure out a way to deal with my pollen issues better this year. Complaining about being allergic to Dallas is not going to help a thing. So horrible at self care. I hate taking meds but need to get over it.

Saw a sweet friend tonight and my heart aches for a new season in life for her. Even in the midst of the pain its obvious that God is taking care of His precious daughter. Great song tonight too as a reminder that God makes all things to work together for our good. I can say this not just as a cliche Christian saying but with great confidence of the hope I have in this. God can take the crap of our lives and weave it into a beautiful story of redemption.

This leads me to the an insane amount of churn that went on in my head this morning. This morning it didn't feel like God was going to work all things together for His good. Sometimes the pieces seem so broken that it will take an eternity for them to be put back together. But He has been faithful to put the pieces back together and will continue to do just that. Today during my morning of churn God made it quite apparent that the time has come to write a letter to my step dad. The proof that I have that God has been mending the pieces back together is that there was no anger or hatred towards him. There is regret and sorrow and I can even say love and compassion. My heart desperately yearns for him to know God the way that I've come to know Him. There is forgiveness for every single one of us. I truly believe now that his sin is no worse than my own. The damage that it has caused me is no less real but my heart willingly extends grace and forgiveness. I want him to know that.

So I need to get to this book I read. I resonated so much to the main character. Shame, guilt and a heart hidden behind walls. It truly is interesting what pain can do to a human heart. I love that Jesus is able to see us and see the pain that has caused us to live our lives in fear, self protection, coping mechanisms or addiction. He has much compassion for us in our fallen condition and yet is faithful to walk us into the light and towards healing. Tonight at church could have caused much guilt. A story of a man whose anger was directed at his kids. I've had those same moments with my own. Anger white hot, knowing I need to stop, often times the words scream just stop and yet I'm incapable of doing the good I ought. Words crush or actions bruise the heart. I've tried to be vigilant at confession knowing that satan likes to prowl around and take down his victims with shame and guilt. A part of me wants to wallow in shame. I've lived a lifetime of it and its comfortable to me. Yet I'm beckoned to see the grace and redemption of the story. I've encountered the kids who grew up in the home of the angry father and they are phenomenal. The story wasn't over and God was mightily at work in that fathers heart. What I was reminded of was how much I struggle when I do not remain. When I operate out of my own strength is when the white hot anger occurs. I think I'm standing strong and then I'm taken out.

I was thinking today about what its like to be on a mission trip. All focus is on Christ and Christ alone. A heart ready and willing to do the Lords beck and call. It used to seem impossible to go back to the "real world" and live that way. Today I wondered why I thought that was. Thinks only become a distraction if I let them. I let too many things in my life distract. My prayer for tonight is that God would tune my heart to His.

This leads me to another point or two from today. In the sermon Todd talked about waking up and praising God. I do at times but often I don't. I've chalked up not starting my day in the Word to not being a morning person. Although my daily quiet time is not best spent first thing in the morning there's still no reason why I can't spend my first waking moments praying and reading the bible. If I can check my email in the morning I can surely read the Word.

Overall felt very encouraged by the sermon today. I feel like there are lots of Deut 6 moments that happen on a daily basis. Lots of sharing that its not just hard for them that its hard for Les and I as well. The only reason why these even happen is because I've invested this time reading God's Word. Its not been out of compulsion either its because I want to know God more and I want to be more like Him. I was so prideful to think I could do this on my own, that I didn't need daily time with this living and breathing thing that has taken root inside my very soul.

Here's some of what the living and breathing word is working to clean out now. Our family has memorize Ephesians 4:29 and thanks to my talented hubs my kids sing it often.
"Don not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs that it might benefit those who listen." I think for far too long I've been focused on the first half of those words. It's the second half God is working on right now. May my words benefit those who listen. There's several things I've spoken today that had the opposite effect. I go through my days loose lipped. I want to have this new filter put on my mouth. May it be the guard that keeps out foolish and unnecessary words and harsh tones.

I have to go back to the book I read but since I've already written a short novel I'll refrain for tonight.

Verses 1-12 are very encouraging. It speaks as those wisdom can be acquired if sought after. If sought after then one shall stay on the right path.

I think remaining on the right path is often what I fear or rather not remaining on it. So I've been watching Sister Wives. There is much talk about faith and God on the show and yet its quite obvious that they don't get it. Yet to them their relationship with God is very real. Then their are the people that know God and know Jesus and yet use Him as an excuse to do what they should not do. Their actions are spiritualized and called God's calling. In these situations where has wisdom gone? I think in most of these situations wisdom has been ignored or hasn't been consulted and community hasn't been consulted. If we earnestly seek out wisdom and seek out God's Word then God is faithful to deliver. Wisdom is not something God wants to withhold from His children who earnestly seek Him.


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Saturday, January 26, 2013


Another day spent snuggling on the couch. This bug just is not going down without a fight. This will be short as my head and body is pounding and all the laying around I did today has left me exhausted.

Read this to the kids tonight and I'll admit have not dwelt on it much. As I read it though I couldn't help but think about America. It feels as if wisdom is calling out to this age and yet as a country we have turned our backs on it. When the ways of the foolish are exposed and the consequences come toppling down then the foolish cry out to wisdom. By that point its too late. It's never too late to return to Christ but you can't negotiate out of the harvest that you reap. I pray that in my insecurity, that often goes masquerading as pride, that I would not reject the call of wisdom. I'm not a fan of reproof in the moment but my heart does desire to be more like Christ.


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Friday, January 25, 2013

DAY 895: PS 150

This will probably be short. In home date night. Watched a man flick that I'll admit I really enjoyed. There is nothing like a good story. Still need to get to unpacking the good story I read this week. Still kinda shocked that I devoured an entire novel in less than 24 hours. It's been a crazy long time since that has happened. It's been a long time since I've finished a book cover to cover come to think of it. Hoping my kindle becomes my new insomnia BFF.

Head, ear and throat are hurting so I don't have much thoughtfulness to put in tonight. I will say that I'm thankful for today. This afternoon my hubster helped the kids make a tarp shelter in the backyard and at the suggestion of one of the kids built a fire in the fire pit. It lead to roasted hot dogs and marshmallows for dinner. I hid in the house for most of it but my heart melted watching in the warm inside knowing sweet memories were made today. My mom gave me the Giving Tree as a young adult and wrote a note inside that expressed regret for my childhood but prayed that God would redeem my future in such a way that it would repay the years the locusts have eaten. I'm so thankful to say that her prayer is being answered. It blesses me to watch my children enjoy their daddy. I had no idea how much healing that would one day bring to my own dad sized hole. He is ever so faithful.

PSALM 150:
A short intense psalm ends this book. I can imagine the sheer joy and wonderment the author must have felt for his Creator when it was written. I imagine the writer flushed and overtaken by the sheer majesty of God.

Praise him for his acts of power;
praise him for his surpassing greatness. (Psalm 150:2 NIV)

Acts of power and surpassing greatness. I love being reminded that God is powerful! I think I sometimes get locked into the idea of God as Jesus sitting in a field holding children and lambs. God is powerful and King Jesus will come back with righteous tattooed on his thigh and as a mighty warrior. He is able to handle any and every situation and nothing slips past Him. He is Sovereign. He is all powerful. He is mighty God. There is nothing wimpy or passive about God. This makes me think about this verse.

What, then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? (Romans 8:31 NIV)

This passage continues on in greatness. I have to ask myself though, am I living this out? If God is for me than who can be against? Or am I too overcome by my own short comings and the identity I find in man? God is for me and I pray I walk in the confidence that I am an heir to the king of kings!

Let everything that has breath praise the Lord.
Praise the Lord. (Psalm 150:6 NIV)

Love how praise The Lord is written twice. May my heart turn into a heart of gratitude. I can be such an entitled brat. I love comfort and ease and having to serve others is not my forte. I want to serve others, especially my family with gratitude. I want to encounter inconvenience and hardship with joy knowing that it is an opportunity to teach and refine me. God help me to smash my idol of comfort.


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Wednesday, January 23, 2013

DAY 893: PS 148

Feeling like a living person today. Funny that now the devil cold is waning first trimester woes have stepped right back in line. No wonder why I felt so horrible. Still thinking about how this pregnancy is a day at the park compared to Bella's. I think another girl would have closed up this baby baking shop. Speaking of girls I'm nestled up to one of the sweetest little girls on the planet right now. I can say that even after another middle of the night Bella party.

Much better day today. Fort making was had and lots of free range creativity. I was able to spend some one on one time with each kiddo to reconnect heart strings after a rough couple of days. Thankful for that time. Swapped out too tight clothes for Bella today and was overcome with thankfulness for the ways God has provided for us through sweet precious friends. I love that my kids love hand me downs and that clothes from their friends is much more special to them than store bought clothes.

Signing up my three bigs for soccer for the first time. We're ditching the insane tee ball heat this year for some spring soccer. I'll admit that I always wanted to be a soccer mom. My soccer mom dream consisted of a Rodeo or a CRV with a one boy and one girl. A full sized van and three and a half kids later I'm finally becoming a soccer mom. So thankful God's plans are better than mine.

PS 148:
Read this the first without a Seeds song running through my head. Now tonight I can't get the song out of my head. This is a great song about the entire earth and everything created praising The Lord. Can't wait till the end comes and every knee shall bow and all creation sings praise to The Lord. I still can't believe that I get to live day after day in the full presence of Christ unhindered by sin.

Let them praise the name of the Lord,
for his name alone is exalted;
his splendor is above the earth and the heavens. (Psalm 148:13 NIV)



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Tuesday, January 22, 2013

DAY 892: PSALM 147

Still feeling rather turdtastic but I'm hopeful that tomorrow I'll wake up feeling better. Poor kiddos had two grumpy and sick parents today. Hate wasted days like this. It doesn't feel wasted because of the massive amounts of tv because I'm a firm believer that a day of tv and cuddles can be a very good thing. It feels wasted because I felt too crappy to enjoy the blessing of my kiddos. I just wanted to survive the day and missed opportunity to bask in the who God created these Brownies to be. The days go by too quickly and I hate when entire days go by and I don't even get a glimpse of how blessed I am by this crew.

I topped off this glorious day by spanking the tooty three year old in anger. The dude slugged me in the face and deserved a spanking but he knew and I knew that I did it in anger. He told me I was being mean to him and unfortunately he was right. It lead to sweet cuddles and good conversation but I sure do hate screwing up that way. My oldest often says I won't do it again. I know in the moment her heart truly is to not do it again. Unfortunately, I can't will myself to do better. I wish that I could but what I really need is heart surgery. It times like this that I'm faced with the ugly sin that is still so very deep rooted in me.

I often say that its my stubborn pride that brought me the blessing of 5 kiddos. If I had 2 or 3 kids I'd be a prideful beast. I would still probably loose my temper now and again but nothing like the change that happened with number four. I'm completely out of my element and I can't do this alone. My self reliance began to crack the day Joshua came onto the scene. Even if I had my three kids and my anger was kept in check it would still be there. My children have become like a vice that squeezes out all the disgusting crap that lives in my heart. It can't be denied or ignored. I hate being face to face with it like this evening but thankful that God loves me enough to reveal it. Thankful that His beautiful grace covers all and is sufficient for me and for my Brownies.

On another note, two people today have joined the 365 Experiment today. I pray that it transforms them in a way they never thought possible and reveals more of who God is and how incredibly much He loves them.

Psalm 147:
Another great warm and fuzzy psalm. In my hormonal sick state this psalm makes me weepy. The Lord is so powerful and so great and yet He would go to hell and back just for me, a wretched sinner, to be with Him. His love is too great to even begin to fathom. There is still a little girl inside of this grown up girl that feels unloveable, abandoned and like damaged goods. When I stop trying to hide her or be strong I feel the most loved by God. It's almost as if to be able realize the depth of His love and affection for me I have to stop trying to deny that my biggest fear is that I am unloveable. Even as that lie was being formed in my young heart He sat by and sustained me every step of the way. He lifted my head up when I could not do it myself. He sent people to love me and encourage me when I least expected. I didn't realize the gifts that He have me along the way yet His provision has been marked all through our my life even when I ran away from Him. For this, for His never stopping, never failing love verse 1 comes alive to me.

Praise the Lord.
How good it is to sing praises to our God, how pleasant and fitting to praise him! (Psalm 147:1 NIV84)

My lack in my ability to truly understand how much God cares about me is what started this 365 experiment. All I knew is that I struggled with spending time with God because I felt like I was constantly disappointing Him. I can say by His grace that this no longer is my reality. I am loved when I'm walking right in step with Him and when I'm weary and walking out of my own strength on days like today. I was loved even when I was giving Him the finger. It's because of this love that I want to die to my very self and become more like Him. May my life become a sweet aroma and a living sacrifice before my King.

I was wondering what brought about my tear fest and as I looked back this is the reason.

He heals the brokenhearted
and binds up their wounds. (Psalm 147:3 NIV84

Oh how He has healed me and oh how there is much more to go. It comes to my self reliance and self preservation and I'm sure my sheer stubbornness. I don't easily allow God into the broken places. It's not out of desire to keep Him out but rather a lack of knowledge of how guarded my heart can be. Thankful slowly but surely He has been softening this rock hard heart of mine. May it become soft and moldable like clay.

This is why I can give thanks for a devil cold. It breaks down the self preservation and allows me to experience God more fully. Oh He is good!


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Monday, January 21, 2013

DAY 891: PSALM 146

I feel like poo. Sweet hubster came home to my rescue early afternoon and now he's feeling yuck too. If we're lucky we'll both be a snotty exhausted pair tomorrow and our kids will be happy as clams watching tv all day. I feel like a weenie being taken out by the rhinovirus but the combination of first trimester exhaustion, being señorita nurse-a-lots primary nutrition the past week, and wrestling a sleepless babe at night has left me with no push to push through. My sinuses are in a world of hurt right now. If a cold is going to shake me down this bad i shudder at the thought of the flu.

Managed to get school done today but it felt like an Olympic feat. Olympic homeschooling wouldn't that be nerdtastic?

PSALM 146:
Another fantastic psalm makes me sad to be mailing it in today.


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Sunday, January 20, 2013

DAY 890: PS 145

Oh wowzers it feels fantastic to lay down. I'm tired and it appears I'm getting a cold but thankfully don't feel like crawling into a hole tonight. Served tonight so in very thankful for God's provision in that. God has been so sweet during this pregnancy. I have been concerned about how I was going to pull off life with five, homeschool and everything else while knocked up. After the hardship of Bella's pregnancy this is like a wonderful cake walk. Thankful.

Felt like I was more in my wheelhouse tonight at the Dash. The lesson was more in my wheelhouse. Still yearning to really throw down some teaching but thankful for the everyday opportunities I have now.

Sweet time streaming the service the morning. Joshua say next to me and sang his sweet little heart out. Then he made an instrument out of PVC and continued to sing sweetly. Needed that moment as he has been a pill bug lately. Oh the joy and sanctification of 3 year olds.

PS 145:
This psalm makes me want to weep. It's ever so beautiful. I love every single verse. I urge you to read it and be reminded about the very nature of God. He loves us so very much.

These are just two verses out of a list of beautiful verses.

The Lord is gracious and compassionate,
slow to anger and rich in love.
The Lord is good to all; he has compassion on all he has made. (Psalm 145:8, 9 NIV84)

Tonight at the Dash we talked about the damage our lack of self control and fruit of the Spirit does to our witness. I pray that I would be conformed to be more like Jesus so that people would be compelled by His goodness. May I love all who He created like crazy.


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DAY 889: PS 144

Tired, house in chaos and my new found love affair with bacon has come to a bitter end. Now the only question remains is how to rid a house of bacon smell. Sent to lay down by my sweet hubster. It feels so crazy good to lay down. Hoping my jimmy legs and Bella cooperate tonight and sleep happens.

Fun day with friends. Good profitable conversation as well which is my favorite. Left feeling like we left a wake of chaos though.

Sweet precious boy has decided to join me. It's taking everything in me to snuggle in and try to enjoy this moment instead of blow this sweet one off and send him away. I just want to lay down and feel miserable all by myself without anybody in my personal space. Snuggle time with this one is good for both of us though. We've had a hard couple weeks together and I find myself pushing this one off often. If anything this big little boy needs more hugs from his momma. Thought about and chatted how each of my children hit a different raw sin nerve in me. Each one is sanctifying me in a unique way. Each one has been a gift from God to grow me to be more like Him. Whether or not ugliness comes up in a visceral manner or not with my children the ugliness is still there. The beauty of having a small herd of cats is that it has brought the ugliness that was hiding under the surface directly into the light.

Thankful for that sweet time with my boy. Great conversation about being a modern day Daniel. Overwhelmed at times by the sheer greatness I am surrounded by.

PS 144:
Interesting psalm. Begins off talking about God as deliverer then towards the end appears to allude to heaven. That's the way I'm taking it anyway.

This verse stuck out to me today.

Praise be to the Lord my Rock, who trains my hands for war, my fingers for battle. (Psalm 144:1 NIV84)

Oops. Just realized I never sent this. Passed out super early. Bella got up so now hoping to fall back asleep.

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Friday, January 18, 2013

DAY 888: PS 143

Putting Smallville to bed and I can't help but marvel at what an immense blessing this cute little firecracker has been to our family. Thankful.

Sweet hubster fed us all three meals, cleaned and let me sleep in and nap. I still feel like I could sleep for a month straight. So the last couple nights I've definitely had Zofran moments. Intense, oh crap I have a stomach bug and want to lay in bed moaning nausea. Thankful it's not like that all day or I think I would die. It hasn't been the best timing for my hubs and I but its a short season.

Had a lot of thoughts churning earlier as I snuck off once again to take a shower. Now I can't remember a single thing. Figures.

PS 143:
In this psalm again David is afflicted and is crying out to The Lord. I love this verse that he writes in the midst of trials and feeling like God is not answering his prayers.

I remember the days of long ago; I meditate on all your works and consider what your hands have done. (Psalm 143:5 NIV84)

This is why David is a man after God's own heart. It feels as of God has abandoned him yet he doesn't let his emotion carry him away. Instead he goes back to the truth of what he knows about God. He considers all that God has done with His hands. I pray that when I'm in that moment and the loneliness is crushing and it feels as if God is no where to be found that instead of choosing to believe that God has left that I instead meditate on all that He has done.

I spread out my hands to you;
my soul thirsts for you like a parched land.
Selah (Psalm 143:6 NIV84)

I desire to thirst for The Lord daily. I want to urn for Him more than I urn for my next meal. I want to become so passionate about God's word that it becomes difficult to put it down. I'll admit some days (most days) it still is difficult to pick up. I hate this yet I am confident that God can grow an unquenchable passion for His very Words.

Teach me to do your will, for you are my God; may your good Spirit lead me on level ground. (Psalm 143:10 NIV84)

Really like this verse too. Teach me to do your will oh God. The truth is on my own I'm too dull to know God's will and my flesh wants to do the exact opposite. On my own I am completely sunk. I can't change myself. I can't will myself to be a "better" Christian. However, if I choose to remain in the very one who is the Word then He is faithful to teach and grow me. How good is our God?


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Thursday, January 17, 2013

DAY 887: PS 142

I probably should try to figure out another time to do this. I've got nothing left in the tank. Mind is shut off and my body is not far behind. Tonight my oldest boy asked me to cuddle and I so didn't want to. It had nothing to do with not wanting to cuddle with him but everything to do with my desire to put the baby to bed and be done with responsibility for the rest of the evening. Went to his room after I finished the dishes and I'm so glad I did. Ended up under a pile of boys while reading a Ranger Rick Magazine. Thankful to push through and not miss out on that sweet moment. I know I miss out on enough as it is.

PS 142:
David wrote this psalm while he was hiding in a cave. I so easily forget the difficult years he had before he was king. I think about the story of him being anointed as a mere shepherd boy, of Goliath, Bathsheba and his zeal for God. Often I forget about the intensity of his valleys. This just reminds me that everybody has their story of pain. I pray that I don't forget this. May it spur me on to love more, extend grace more often and grow in Christ like compassion.


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Wednesday, January 16, 2013

DAY 886: PS 141

Churn, churn, churn. My mind has been silent for days so its about time for a good pondering. Heard news today that makes me feel rather weepy. Good work news today. It's been a long journey. Oh the character development and the disappointments that have been felt over the years. Even in the last round of disappointment when my flesh wanted to balk as to why things were playing out the way they were I knew God was all in it. Today something landed in lap of the one I love. If I'm honest, in my flesh it feels like a consultation prize. Yet in my spirit I know that the story has just begun to unfold and I am ever so thankful. What has been longed for, wanted and prayed for may not be what is the best. It's all I could see in my flesh yet God holds the bigger picture. He is so good to withhold what we think we want for what is best. The news today is exciting but not the perfect solution, not quite yet, but rather is a promise of greater things. For this I rejoice. I rejoice that maybe just maybe an obstacle that has stood in the way has been removed. It feels as if it has only just begun and I could not be more excited for all that God has in store. I am so proud of the man I married. This has been a hard road to walk at times but I've seen a man who even under opposition has risen to continue to be faithful with even more desire to use the gifts God has given him. The thing is even if today I got bad news rather than news to rejoice about I still would have had reason to trust that God has an incredible plan for my husband. I'm thankful it appears the dry spell might be coming to an end but thankful even more that my heart has continue to stand the test of time regardless of circumstance. The Lord is changing me. I don't deserve His endless pursuit and promise to continue to grow and change me yet He is the ultimate example of faithfulness despite my lack of it.

Give thanks for the fleas. I've never read the Hiding Place but I've heard the story of the fleas before. Today I'm spurred on to change my grumbling heart to give thanks for everything even the fleas in my life. I complain too much. It's in the frustrations and the hardships that growth occurs. It's in the frustrations and hardship that provision is found if we are willing to look for it. Father I pray you would open my heart more and more to have eyes that truly see your goodness instead of eyes that seek out entitlement.

Glad I started this earlier, so stinking tired. Will have to munch on all that I'm reading in Bonhoeffer. Very interesting how similar conditions in Germany back then are with America are now. Hopefully will touch on spiritual pride tomorrow which was a great gut check for me and definitely something I need to be on the look out for.

PS 141:
Some great verses in this psalm to pray through.

Set a guard over my mouth, O Lord; keep watch over the door of my lips. (Psalm 141:3 NIV84)

I pray for this but probably not nearly often enough. My words can be careless and not thought out especially when it comes to my children and my husband. I know I've hurt precious hearts with my sharp tongue and I pray that I become slower to speak and that God puts a guard over my wagging tongue.

Let not my heart be drawn to what is evil,
to take part in wicked deeds
with men who are evildoers; let me not eat of their delicacies. (Psalm 141:4 NIV84)

Love this verse. Great one to pray over the kids. Let my heart not be drawn to evil. May it be drawn to pursuing the Lord wholeheartedly and continuing to root out my flesh.

Thought this verse was really beautiful.

May my prayer be set before you like incense;

may the lifting up of my hands be like the evening sacrifice. (Psalm 141:2 NIV84)

May my entire slowly but surely become a living sacrifice holy and pleasing to God.


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Tuesday, January 15, 2013

DAY 885: PSALM 140

Not in the best place today. Very self focused and self centered. I don't know what I want. Maybe just recognition or a tub of cookie dough or a song about how I'm not on the couch 24/7 but be darn sure I wanna be. My body feels made out of lead. I'm thankful for ample opportunity to lean in and let it be know that there is much leaning in going on. I just have a bad attitude about it. I'm struggling to push through and serve but if I'm honest all I want is to be served. I WAS served today. Somebody that was least expected saved dinner by going to the grocery store for me. Getting much easier to ask for help. Thankful for the sweet girl who served me and for more evidence of my self reliance being beaten down.

Thinking about school next year and the reading lessons and added language arts lessons that will be added to my plate. All I can say is wowzers. Meeting with a mom on Thursday who is pulling her girl out of school very soon. I don't know why she wants to talk to this rookie especially since we are two grades behind but so be it. This is the second mom I will have spoken too in this same situation in a span of two weeks. Homeschooling is a crazy commitment. I'm thankful for it but even more so I'm thankful we got to do it from the start. I feel as if God possibly spared us from having to yank kids out of school and then floundering trying to figure out what the heck to do. Either way this has been one heck of an journey, one that I hope I get better at as the years go by.

PSALM 140:
Psalms like these are hard for me to read. The talk about enemies being thrown into the fiery pit or trampled by doom is hard to read. Maybe its because it doesn't seem to fit with the whole love thy enemy thing. Although when I really think about the things David writes and I think about the kinds of evil that some men have done to others it gets much easier. It gets easier to ask Jesus to come quickly and throw pure evil men into the fiery pits of hell. I don't know. Maybe its passages of raw emotion like this that is just hard to want to process.

This is a beautiful verse in the middle of this Psalm:

O Sovereign Lord, my strong deliverer,
who shields my head in the day of battle— (Psalm 140:7 NIV84)

Thankful that God is my strong deliverer. I'm even more thankful to trust and truly believe that He shields my head on the day of battle. It doesn't always feel this way but thankful that this truth has been rooted and grounded in my heart. Even as I write this I know there will be times in my life when I shout "where are you God". The very thought makes me shudder to the core. I pray if those times are a must that my heart will not grow faint or weary waiting for the Lord.


Monday, January 14, 2013

DAY 884: PS 139

Oh wowzers does it ever feel good to lay down. The days are so long and they feel like I'm hiking up a mountain. As I cleaned the kitchen tonight I gave thanks for actually being able to do the dishes without gagging left and right. First pregnancy to be able to do that. Then there's school. As I plan I find myself wanting to race through our curriculum so we can just stick to the fun stuff. I look forward to day upon day of creating, exploring and reading this summer. The reality will probably be life in a pool or on blocks of ice on the couch as swollen as an oompahloompah. A mom can dream though. I do see lots of reading in our future this summer. One of the most enjoyable things about being a parent is discovering a good book with my Brownies.

PSALM 139:
Oh how I love this Psalm. The first time I read it as an adult it was like soothing balm to the raw and aching wounds of my heart. Now I find so much comfort and joy out of these verses. It blows my mind that God knows me so intimately or better yet cares to know me that way. So thankful to be loved like crazy by the creator of the universe!


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Sunday, January 13, 2013

DAY 883: PS 138

So again I'm perplexed by how strangely different this pregnancy has been. Something feels very off. That's when the what if's come rolling in. Oddly enough I feel content not only not knowing the future but content if this pregnancy is different for some reason. If for some reason we never get to gaze upon the sweet cheeks of this baby this side of heaven I feel at peace about it. If this sweet one is extra special and needs extra love and care I'm okay with that too. Maybe Joshua is right and we are going to have a baby boy and a baby girl. Its really taken our adoption journey and Joshua and even more so Bella to really make my heart truly trust that God has our family in His hands. I still pray that the unthinkable doesn't ever happen but I trust that if the mountains beneath us shake He's truly got us and will use it to prosper us and to bring Him glory. God is so good and He has been ever so good to us.

PSALM 138:
The last two verses seem to fit my mood tonight.

Though I walk in the midst of trouble,
you preserve my life;
you stretch out your hand against the anger of my foes,
with your right hand you save me. The Lord will fulfill his purpose for me;
your love, O Lord, endures forever—
do not abandon the works of your hands. (Psalm 138:7, 8 NIV84)

I love that even when I walk through the midst of trouble I can be assured that God will preserve my life. Even in death The Lord will preserve my very life. Joy upon joy that life will truly begin upon my death.


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Saturday, January 12, 2013

DAY 882: PSALM 137

Tired. Took melatonin then got caught up with hubs. Brain fading fast. Good day. Lunch with one of our merge couples. They are in the trenches but still very encouraged by them. God does some mighty work in the trenches. So thankful for that. Funny didn't connect it but this psalm is very much about being in the trenches. The remnant is in Babylon and the songs of praise have been removed from their lips. They fear forgetting the reason they once had for singing. Yet its in this situation that the remnant either is swallowed up or their roots grow incredibly deep. The end of the psalm is morbid but a reminder that the sun does come in the morning. No matter how bleak the situation may seem justice will eventually be done and God will indeed restore His people. Zzzzzz....


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Friday, January 11, 2013

DAY 881: PSALM 136

I'm a troll who wants to dig a troll hole and bake my troll baby alone. The Nest was today and so many sweet friends but no capacity to have any kind of conversation of any meaning. My brain is broken and I just want to crawl into my troll hole with a cheeseburger and a vanilla shake and sleep. Thankful for a sweet husband who did let me sleep this afternoon. I don't think anybody had a choice in the matter though my body just shut down.

So I was thinking tonight about my moms visit and I've decided I'm going to be honest and ask her to come another time. I'm kinda sad because I've been missing her and wanting her to visit. I'm just too tired and trollish right now. I don't have the energy to get a room of some sort put together for her or clean. I've finally figured it out that she feels loved when I think about her dietary needs and try to fix things she can eat. The reality is Taco Bell and PB&J might be on the dinner menu all week long. I think if she visited often it wouldn't matter but when one or two visits a year is the reality I want it to be good ones. I want to be able to love my mom well and not be a hormonal troll who just wants to live in a hole in the couch.

This troll pregnancy has been so weird so far. I'm not crazy nauseous but get waves here and there. More bothered by insane blood sugar drops, complete cold intolerance, and feeling physically sick. So weird. At least the exhaustion is normal. Thankful to be able to lean into Christ during this times. Hubs and kids getting the short end of the stick but this too shall pass.

PSALM 136:
His love endures forever! Great psalm remembering all that The Lord has done to create the world and rescue Israel. After ever thing to remember the words, His love endures forever follows. As I read this I know I'm missing out on the sheer awe and wonder of all that God has done and all that He has created. I miss out on the fact that His love for me truly does endure forever. It endures when I choose to bow down to idols. It endures when I feel like a troll. It endures forever when I don't treat others the way that I should or run away from God or lack fear of The Lord. His love endures regardless of how I love Him back. I'm so thankful for this. Praying that I can recapture that wonder. I want to have the dangerous wonder of a child. I want to slow down enough to fully embrace the sheer wonder of our God.


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Thursday, January 10, 2013

DAY 880: PSALM 133

Today I realized that I'm a selfish grumpy britches. The sad thing is I didn't really realize I was being a grumpalumpa. Interesting how being self focused can cause utter and complete blindness. I've been trying to operate out of my own strength and just make it through the day. That leaves for much desire for me to be served instead of me serving others. I'm pretty darn tired and spent a good part of the day at the Perot with other strange homeschool families. That place is pretty stinking awesome and we've yet to fully explore it. Wanted to crash on the couch when we got home but managed to lean in and make dinner and clean up kitchen afterwards. God 's provision this evening has been pretty sweet.

Listening to my daughter read the bible. She has had a desire lately to read the bible to us. Thankful for who God made that little girl to be. Would love to take credit but its all her. She mostly cooked eggs this morning by herself too which was a huge help while trying to make breakfast and get lunches made and out the door. Close to entering a whole new world! Very bitter sweet.

PSALM 133:
3 verses this one is so incredibly sweet.

How good and pleasant it is when brothers live together in unity! (Psalm 133:1 NIV84)

Sounds like a perfect memory verse for our family. I've never understood so much how much God despises disunity until having a herd of children. When they are living in unity it is one of the sweetest things to experience. When their is strife in our home between my kids its so frustrating and the ripple effect from the discord is huge!

PSALM 134:
Another short 3 verse Psalm. This appears to be a Psalm specifically for the priests. The next psalm seems to be directed at them in some way too.

PSALM 135:
I can't remember where I read about this Psalm or talked about recently but these verses are haunting to me.

The idols of the nations are silver and gold, made by the hands of men.
They have mouths, but cannot speak,
eyes, but they cannot see; they have ears, but cannot hear, nor is there breath in their mouths. Those who make them will be like them, and so will all who trust in them. (Psalm 135:15-18 NIV84)

Those who make them will be like them is chilling. This doesn't just have to be idols made of silver and gold. These can be idols made out of iPhones, food, comfort, tv, vanity, self reliance, ect. The person who I heard talk about this said not only will you become like them but you will also sacrifice your children to them. That is one of the more chilling thoughts you can have as a parent. How many times have my kids had to try to break my gaze from my phone? Thankfully its been in hiding more often lately but the thought of sacrificing my children to this stupid ievil is a horrible horrible thought. If not this ievil then what else? They definitely are laid upon the alter of my self worship almost daily. I sacrifice what's best for them for what is best for me. I don't say this is a self loathing kind of way either. It's just reality that I struggle with selfishness. More and more is dying but there is a long way to go. Thankful for a gentle Father who is faithful and ever so patient.


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Wednesday, January 09, 2013

DAY 879: PS 132

Feel completely bleh this evening. Hubster home safely from retreat and I'm thankful. Very torn about his arrival home. Part of me wanted to be handed a golden cheeseburger and sent to my room for the evening to watch Sister Wives (I know, horrible). The other part longed to be June Cleaver. House spic n span, laundry caught up, chicken n dumplings ready to be served, put together self and big warm welcome home. My hubs got the half asleep frumpy troll on the couch instead and I got a car sick hubs. Not picture perfect by any means but so thankful he is home. Hard not to feel like a bump on a log wife.

Add to that the constant questioning the last couple days about these wonderful wild boys. What truly is the difference between childishness and foolishness and are they capable of picking up their own room. I believe that they are but is it fair to expect them to clean up their mess while I'm putting a baby to bed or cleaning the kitchen. The thing is I can sit in their room with them and they can still choose not to pick up. So frustrated over it today that I just took all their toys away. They will just find some other way to create mess and continue to refuse to pick it up. I'm so weary of this battle and obviously I'm doing something wrong here or at least it feels that way today.

Feel less upset about the message my mom left yesterday. It wasn't all that long ago that I also allowed my emotions to rule over everything. Thankful for having been equipped to sort through them and realize that even though how I feel is always valid feelings are not always grounded in truth. I think that message just trigger junk for childhood. I feel like I've come from a broken down palace and I think my overall feeling of bleh tonight is that I just feel damaged. Tonight it feels as if the brokenness will never be undone. I'll wrap it up in a beautiful package and hand it right along to my kids. It doesn't seem fair that my children should have to pay for the sins of my fathers. The truth is God has done a miraculous work in my life. His work is not complete and won't be till I get to see Him face to face. Thankful that my kids are learning how to process through their feelings and how to confront others in such a way that relationship can be restored. Conflict can be so good. Confident this momflict will also turn out well. Just wish a trip down memory lane wasn't part of the process.

PSALM 132:
Not really connecting with this Psalm very much. I've read it several times over the past couple days. This verse stands out every time I read it.

May your priests be clothed with righteousness;
may your saints sing for joy." (Psalm 132:9 NIV84)

This verse is such a gem its repeated twice. Thankful that even though I'm not a priest I am still clothed with righteousness. Oh how I hope one day my heart will fully grasp the meaning of this!


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Tuesday, January 08, 2013

DAY 878: PSALM 130-132

Watching Cinderella with my daughter and wish I had a magic wand and could turn back time. Blew it today with the boys. Yelled and spanked in anger. It was one of those scenes where inside my head i kept saying shut up just shut up but i couldn't make my mouth shut up. i did what i did not want to do. They had been ornery all day and walking in to see Luke dump paint all over his brother's head and the thrashed playroom was the straw that broke the camels back. Luke and I had a sweet moment as I went back to clean up the mess I made of their precious hearts. As I humbled myself and asked for forgiveness he too genuinely asked me to forgive him as well. He's getting it more than he used to and in relieved to start to see some real remorse in my sweet boy.

Today I figured out I need to give Paul some alternatives if he desires to lead but can't due to the chaos caused by the other two boys. Those three boys are quite the sons of thunder. Finding the balance between grace and justice is so incredibly difficult. The difficulty also comes in having to punish a girl who often does obey. Thankfully due to a sweet friend my girl got to go celebrate the reward of obedience tonight. Thankful for this sweet friend who has undeservingly just loved on me. It has had more impact on my heart than she'll probably ever know.

Felt yuck this morning but felt pretty decent after my burst of adrenaline. Now I've come crashing straight into a wall. Two make that four Brownies still up. They will probably outlast their momma tonight. Speaking of moms mine called today to tell me she's coming this week and left a message that she's pissed that her name is her actual name rather than mom. She left a bonus message to reiterate her anger over it. I have no idea what she was even talking about and I know it just struck some chord of insecurity in her and it was hurtful. I wish she was healthy enough emotionally to be able to process what she's feeling instead of shoulding on me. Regardless i want to be able to love her well while she is here. Her last several visits have gone incredibly well and I have looked forward to her visits. Her message today has me apprehensive. Hopefully if things do go terribly south by God's strength i'll be able to just be humble and not self protect. I've yet to be very successful at this so hopefully I've grown.

If I'm completely honest my outburst of anger coupled with this message has me in a tizzy tonight. Am I just screwing these kids up? Am I building stumbling block after stumbling block before them? Are the words I speak about God completely distorted by my actions? Will they look back at their childhood and see a vast junkyard of wreckage? I hate that I've already screwed this parenting thing up. I hate that I'm going to continue to screw up. Yet I'm comforted by a most Sovereign God. He loves these little Brownies more than I ever could and He has an amazing plan for each of them. He will be glorified by them despite my failures and despite my successes. So thankful that God is so much bigger than I am.

PSALM 130:
I'm back for more.

I wait for the Lord, my soul waits, and in his word I put my hope. (Psalm 130:5 NIV84)

I really want to learn how to better wait for The Lord, to remain in Him. May I not strive and run before or behind God but remain right with Him.

My soul waits for the Lord more than watchmen wait for the morning,
more than watchmen wait for the morning. (Psalm 130:6 NIV84)

I really love this verse and the imagery it brings to my mind. I imagine that scared and lonely watchmen desperate to stay awake and possibly afraid he may never live to see the light of morning. Oh how cold and dark the night can be and how much one can long for the hope of a brand new day. May my heart long that much for my Savior daily.

O Israel, put your hope in the Lord,
for with the Lord is unfailing love
and with him is full redemption. (Psalm 130:7 NIV84)

Oh Lord thank you so much for your unfailing love and the precious full redemption found in Jesus. I don't deserve any of it yet its lavished so richly upon me. Thankful beyond words.


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Monday, January 07, 2013

DAY 877: PSALM 129 & 130

Such a sweet time this morning meeting with leaders at the Nest. Hearts open and vulnerable. It was beautiful. I do realize how much as women we want to fix though. How much more powerful would the moment have been this morning if we had been quicker to listen and much slower to speak. I'm the biggest culprit of this. Lord make my heart be quicker to listen and much slower to speak. People don't need to hear me respond to their trials. What they need me to do is sit in it with them and pray that God is revealed to them. In this life there is a beautiful journey God is walking us on. He is the best tour guide on this adventure. This doesn't mean speaking is something that should not be done. A girl who I love in that group laid some beautiful truth about bringing things into the light today. She is one that is slow to speak. When she does speak I'm most often blown away. I was blown away today. Beautiful women with hearts that beat after the Lord. There is much refreshment to be found in a group of like minded people. Hearts in one accord, beautiful.

Still overcome with gratitude for the general yuckiness that I feel. I still wish I could hibernate for a couple or eight months but I see much beauty in this challenge. It's a constant reminder of God's goodness, a constant yielding to His plan and not my own and I'm fully trusting Him that He will provide every single thing that I need. He is such a good and loving Father.

PSALM 129&130:
Woke up this morning a read. Alarm set and up before everyone else. Painful in many ways but loved the peace of rising before everyone else. Need to remember this. Psalm 129 was not what I was looking for this morning. It was sad to me to read about the oppression the psalmist felt. They had hope in The Lord which was beautiful but still not the warm fuzziness I was looking for. I'll be honest I realize how horrible this sounds and don't wanted to not even mention reading this chapter. I still go before God and approach Him with my hands out looking for a hand out. What is in this for me God? Instead of coming with joy and thanksgiving wishing to just spend time with God and know Him more. May I change my heart and my attitudes I have towards worship. I am so self focused and self centered and yet He still beckons me to come. Come I will. I pray my hands will be lifted in praise and adoration more often than held out looking for something. God's presence is enough. He is my treasure and my reward. Why wouldn't I choose to remain with Him day in and day out?

Psalm 130:
Interesting that this psalm starts with these two verses:

Out of the depths I cry to you, O Lord;
O Lord, hear my voice. Let your ears be attentive to my cry for mercy. (Psalm 130:1, 2 NIV84)

There was much talk about crying out to the Lord this morning. I know this feeling well. Thank to have a God who not only listens but who cares.

Okay going to abandon this till tomorrow. Great Psalm. It's a wonderful read for sure.


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Sunday, January 06, 2013

DAY 876: PSALM 128

Well, settling into first trimester. This pregnancy is by far the strangest. A little queasy but nothing to complain about at all. Getting wicked blood sugar drops though. Ravenous. Like fourth trimester ravenous. There's periods through out the day when I just feel plain sick. Like coming down with the flu or something sick. It's so weird. The fatigue is like an entity all its own. With all this said I've never been more thankful for the pains of child birth. More opportunity to lean in to Jesus. More opportunity to just slow down and snuggle on the couch. More opportunity to surrender my to do list. Thankful for a sweet little boy who covered me with a blanket this morning as I laid on the couch and watched the service. Thankful for the sweet girl who showered me with kisses. Thankful that same sweet girl shyly told me that she told God that she wants to surrender her life to Him. Her decision to allow Jesus to live into her heart is growing and blossoming and I'm so thankful. Thankful for a defiant little boy who fights obedience that led to a beautiful talk as a family as to why children should obey their parents. It's not just a because I told you so. It's about order, protection, training and love. Oh how I love the family God is weaving together in BrownTown. It's a blessing and an honor to be apart of it.

PSALM 128:
My girl read this to me then told me she wants to read me the bible often. Made me think that one day when my eyes fail me she just might read to be daily. I pray I embrace every day knowing that time will do nothing but continue to pass by.

Want to remember a beautiful scene tonight. We were at Braum's eating ice cream celebrating Abbie's decision and all four sweet ones were sharing their ice cream with Bella and giggling up a storm. Love this precious family!

This psalm is about the prosperity that follows the man who fears the Lord. How his life and family are blessed.

This verse makes me think about Abbie reading me the bible when I'm old.

and may you live to see your children's children. Peace be upon Israel. (Psalm 128:6 NIV84)

Prosperity does follow those who love and fear The Lord but it doesn't always go as hoped. Today I stopped to question God why. I'm confused about a certain situation and my heart aches over it. Yet I know God's hand is in everything and that it will not always be this way. In the meantime watching the effects on one you love is hard. Confused and at times down right angry but I have much hope all at the same time. God is always behind the scenes growing and shaping us so that we might prosper. Love the mighty God I serve.


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Saturday, January 05, 2013

DAY 875: PSALM 127

Felt like I was walking in mud today. Exhaustion starting to hit. I'll take exhaustion over the crab cakes any day! Saw the new building tonight. Tomorrow will be fun dropping off the kiddos. I have a feeling its going to take a lot to drag them out of that building tomorrow.

Just for accountability sake I found sister wives on Amazon Prime the other day and I can't stop watching it. It's horrible and the husband is such a plastic cheese ball but I'm hooked. Hooked I tell you! It's hard to believe that anybody would think that lifestyle is a good idea. Yet men after God's own heart lived like that. I know how the stories turned out in the OT so it seems like its just a matter of time before the whole thing falls apart.

PSALM 127:
Love this Psalm! It's uncanny how it goes along with what God told me yesterday. I wonder how many times He speaks to me but I'm too busy to listen. I would probably be frightened by the answer.

So yesterday driving to FW. Overcome by the richness of God's Word and my gratitude for it and I hear God say "stop striving". I've been sitting on this because I'm slightly confused by it. I get it but it also seems to contradict what I want to be about. I want to strive after Christ because I want to grow to be more like Him every day. It seems as though in order to become more like Christ there must be some kind of striving involved. Its line what Paul said "run the race with endurance". I don't want to be a nominal Christian, dead Christian, lukewarm, ect. In my mind, those who are have either stopped striving or never strived to begin with. The word I've been using could not be more wrong. God doesn't say strive after me, He says remain in me. That's the magical secret. If we choose to remain in Him, everything else falls into place. You can't remain in Jesus and be lukewarm, its impossible. You can't remain in Jesus if you are striving either. Striving after Jesus is not the same as remaining in Jesus. Then I read this beauty today.

Unless the Lord builds the house,
its builders labor in vain. Unless the Lord watches over the city, the watchmen stand guard in vain. (Psalm 127:1 NIV84)

I can try all I want to be like Jesus or to live life a certain way but if Jesus is not in the center of it all of it is in vain. Last night I read a blog post of a 3 year old crushed by her dresser. There's a couple pieces of furniture that should be bolted down in our house just in case. We will bolt them down but if some freakish accident is going to happen with our kids there's nothing we can do about it. God knows the number of all of our days. There is not a single thing that will happen to me, my husband or my children that God does not know about. Worrying is futile. If I am choosing to remain in The Lord then everything is going to fall into place. It seems so incredibly simple yet to actually remain in Jesus 24/7 has to be one of the most difficult things to do. We live in a world filled with distraction. It's everywhere we turn. I so desperately want to live my life minute by minute, second by second with Jesus. Oh Lord please help me to do this!

I really love this verse.

In vain you rise early
and stay up late, toiling for food to eat—for he grants sleep to those he loves. (Psalm 127:2 NIV84)

He grants sleep to those He loves. I know the value of sleep. I'm currently in a battle to get sleep. My body is exhausted yet finding sleep is difficult. There are lots of times that I don't get sleep out of my own foolishness. Yet He gives sleep to those He loves. Those He loves don't need to stay awake at night worrying about provision. Our Father is the ultimate provider.

Sons are a heritage from the Lord,
children a reward from him.

Like arrows in the hands of a warrior
are sons born in one's youth.

Blessed is the man
whose quiver is full of them. They will not be put to shame
when they contend with their enemies in the gate. (Psalm 127:3-5 NIV84)

So thankful that I understand these verses. There was a time not very long ago that I would have seen a woman like me and thought she was absolutely nuts. The Lord has done a mighty work in my heart and there are not enough words to express my gratitude. May our quiver be plenty full. My our arrows go out to tell the world about the awesome and mighty God who sent His son to die for our sins.


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Friday, January 04, 2013

DAY 874: PSALM 126

Feeling yuck and tired tonight. This pregnancy is already weird. Not like any of the others so far. I have sore abdominal muscles which is nuts because those muscles on my body are nonexistent. Im not live on the couch stage yet but feel off for sure. Today I thought for sure I was coming down with the flu I felt so weird. Regardless fun time at the FW Science Museum with my family. Could have kissed my crockpot when I got home.

Listened to Shout the Word on the way to FW. Was overcome by how wonderful God 's Word is. We have access to it everywhere and still it is a whip to read. This saddens me so. It's so readily available that we don't appreciate the most precious thing collecting dust on our night stands. I am quite the entitled individual. I grow weary of that attitude in my children yet they see me model it daily. Life has come so easy that I balk at the "hardship" of an innocuous illness. I get stressed and overwhelmed by my never ending pile of laundry and dishes and messes. All I have to do is turn on a faucet and magically water appears. I am an entitled fool. My life of ease and lack of true suffering often leaves me discontent and longing for more. I'm distracted. I'm easily pulled and dragged away from what's really important. It's interesting how suffering gives one clear and unwavering focus. As I write this I'm too chicken to ask God to strip me off my entitlement. Too fearful to ask for clear undivided focus. May I not get wrapped up in this life and miss the very reason that I am living. May I not approach my time in the Word as if it was pulling teeth. May I devour it. May I come addicted to it. May my children have to break away my gaze from my bible. May the words not just run past my eyes but may they penetrate my very soul.

PS 126:
This psalm is about how joyful the remnant was when they were brought back to Israel. It also talks about how The Lord turns the sorrow of His people into songs of joy. In light of all that is swirling around in my head and a tragic blog post I read I'm a bit overwhelmed by this. I know that God is amazing and is powerful enough to bring good out of all things. There are still some nightmares that we know people live and never want to experience for ourselves. I know that God can redeem even those yet I selfishly just do not want any part of it to be part of my story. But if it is the Lord's will may I walk through it by His strength with much victory and grace.


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Thursday, January 03, 2013

DAY 873: PSALM 125

Another full day. Impromptu play date and time to chat with a momma whose hand has been forced to homeschool. I feel like the blind trying to lead the blind in these conversations. I'm still trying to figure it out. Still trying to learn how to use curriculum as a tool not as a binding contract or ball and chain. I'm still incredibly nervous about not doing traditional school at home or what that would even look like. The one thing I am doing right is reading like crazy. Even when the boys go off to play they are still catching on to vast amounts. Today my middle made a trap for raccoons outside. He's listening to what I'm reading and I'm so thrilled. All my recent pondering has revolved mostly around him. Traditional school is not going to work for this kid.

PSALM 125:
Another short and sweet Psalm. I really adore the first two chapters.

Those who trust in the Lord are like Mount Zion, which cannot be shaken but endures forever. (Psalm 125:1 NIV84)

Those who trust in the Lord can not be shaken and they will endure forever. I love the idea of not being shaken even in the most dire of situations. To rooted and firmly grounded in God, to find comfort and refuge in His arms is a beautiful thing.

As the mountains surround Jerusalem,
so the Lord surrounds his people
both now and forevermore. (Psalm 125:2 NIV84)

Love the image that comes to mind in this verse. We are surrounded by Him. There is nothing man can do to us, and there is no way we can be plucked out of His hand. So comforting to me.


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Wednesday, January 02, 2013

DAY 872: PSALM 124

Long and full day. Had some sweet time with a precious friend today. i miss that girl and I'm thankful for the time together. Started school back up and it was a bit off a rough start. Saving a unit math test for today probably wasn't the wisest choice. Lets just say it took an incredibly long time to complete. But it finally got done and the girl did wonderful. Oldest boy threw tantrums all day. One day I will learn not to engage, one day. Small fry decided decided he's over wearing big boy pants and wants to go back to diapers. At least I won't be doing an insane amount of laundry with two boys constantly wetting their pants. Surely one day I'll be sad that nobody pees in their pants anymore. I guess there will always be me.

Trying to figure out what I'll do with middle child for school next year. If we were doing public school there's no way in the world I'd send him to school next year. I think a very gentle approach is always going to be best for him. If its best for him why wouldn't it be best for all of them. Here's some brutal honesty. Abbie's math test took over two hours today. The girl can't stay focused. She knows how to do the work but to keep her mind set on the task at hand is brutal. It's ridiculous to spent two hours on math or anything that does not have the utmost attention. So why am I making her do it? Well, I'm done making her do it. Once a timer goes off she is done. I want my kids to love learning. I don't want them to learn so they can perform on a test. Unfortunately, that's all I know so busting out of this mold will not be easy. I feel so completely inadequate sometimes yet I know this is where God has us and I'm ever so thankful.

Still reading Bonhoeffer. Maybe I'll finish by 2014. Shocked by how liberal some churches were in the 1930's. It completely makes our situation in America all that more understandable. Very sad and disheartened by it all. I guess the optimist in me always wants to hope for the best. I want to have something to believe in and have hope for mankind. Hope can't be found in man though. It truly must come through Christ. Through Christ all things are possible.

PSALM 124:
This Psalm reminds the Israelites that if it had not been for God their enemies would have eaten them alive. I think it is so good to take time to reflect on where our lives would be had it not been for Christ. My answer is easy, I would be dead. Even if I wasn't physically dead, I would most definitely be the walking dead.

Love these verses:

We have escaped like a bird out of the fowler's snare; the snare has been broken, and we have escaped.

Our help is in the name of the Lord,
the Maker of heaven and earth. (Psalm 124:7, 8 NIV84)

Death, destruction and ruin lay awaiting me everyday. As I continue to place my hope and understanding in the Lord I am assured protection. This does not mean I will live a life free from tragedy but it does mean that everyday I have the ability to choose life. I can choose things that will breath into me the breath of life or things that will only kill, steal and destroy that abundant life God desires for me. I pray that I choose wisely.


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Tuesday, January 01, 2013

DAY 871: PSALM 123-

Starting off 2013 on day 871. Could not be more thankful for that! If all goes as I hope I will hit day 1000 in the first half of the year. I pray as I grow older the days of my life that I've spent in God's Word surpass the days I did not. May this be not a goal to reach 1000 or 10000 but rather a lifelong effort of daily pursuing the Lord. May my passion for God and His children increase as the days fly rapidly by.

Hard to enter a new year and not reflect on goals, wishes, dreams or desires for the year. I still can't believe 2012 is over. It's been a blur. There's much to give thanks for!

Next year I'd like to step up my prayer game. I don't know exactly what my game plan is yet. I think as a starter praying for those on my top ten list, families we have Christmas cards for, kids godly character traits, more specifically for my hubs and our country daily is a start. Want to read Ann V's post about prayer again and try to start implementing daily prayer breaks in my day. Hoping to have a more solid plan come Monday. I want to have a social media facelift too. While putting the baby to bed I'm not using my mind effectively. I want to learn how to use all of my time to glorify God. Very lofty goal but one that hopefully I will continue to pursue through out my life. In absence of a plan for social media I'm just going to cut it out. If I can figure out something that makes sense then that's the plan I'll work but until then I'm off all social media other than email.

Really wanting to get something going for the Momma's on my street. I think most of them work but surely there has to be something that would work well. Maybe book club, moms night out or family day at the park. Praying for creativity and insight. I would love to move to the mountains or to Africa but in the meantime I know God had us in the middle of our street for a reason. I want to be faithful where God has us.

For a family goal we are to try to get green things to come out of the ground. Haven't had much success yet but I think this is the year for at least a watermelon or two. My grandparents were farmers surely some of their green thumbs has to be in my blood. Wish they were still here so I could ask them questions. Miss them.

PSALM 123:
Short but sweet Psalm. These two verses struck me the most.

Vs 1:
I lift up my eyes to you, to you whose throne is in heaven.

This seems repeated enough through out Psalms and I've read it over and over again without giving it much thought. Today as I've pondered on last year and the areas I'd like to grow I realize that often I don't lift my eyes to heaven. Often I lift my eyes to myself, or to food, or Facebook or some other idol I've created for the day. What would my days look like if I truly did lift my eyes to the heavens to seek out The Lord instead of a cheap substitute. Hopefully carving out prayer breaks through out the day will be just the reset I need to keep my gaze fixed on Him.

Vs 2:
As the eyes of slaves look to the hand of their master,
as the eyes of a maid look to the hand of her mistress,
so our eyes look to the Lord our God,
till he shows us his mercy.

I think I often forget the reason why I was created. I go about my business asking God to help me with this or that as if He was created to benefit or glorify me. He is MY master. I was created to glorify God not the other way around. Instead of asking God to help me accomplish MY to do's I need to approach my day with a humble servant heart and seek out God's plan for my day. The craziness of life gets me so confused about what this life is really about! May God away all that has stolen the focus of my true existence.


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