Thursday, February 28, 2013


Throat is on fire. So excited about bed tonight. I had eight kids at my house tonight, only two of which were actually mine. One was our neighbor. Thankful she feels comfortable enough at our house to come over even when our oldest isn't home. I pray that's always the case not just for her but for other kiddos as well.

Read this earlier and again tonight. Not much gas left in the tank but here goes.

He who conceals his sins does not prosper, but whoever confesses and renounces them finds mercy. (Proverbs 28:13 NIV84)

This is so my motto and I've seen it lived out over and over again. Those things which are kept in secret and in the dark are the devils playground. When we bring out to the light that which we want to keep hidden God can step in and free us from bondage. Every time I have a desire to keep something under wraps or hidden I know its the very thing I need to confess so that I might be healed.

A faithful man will be richly blessed,
but one eager to get rich will not go unpunished. (Proverbs 28:20 NIV84)

The first part of this verse reminds me of my hubs. He has grown so much in the area of faithfulness the last several years. It has been a rather painful process at times and yet regardless of the circumstances have always felt that God has a perfect plan for the way He has gifted my hubs. Although it has yet to be brought to full fruition lately we have seen glimpses and I'm thankful that God is the ultimate teacher of faithfulness.

He who trusts in himself is a fool,
but he who walks in wisdom is kept safe. (Proverbs 28:26 NIV84)

Bam! Take that self reliance. Maybe one day it will fully be dead.

He who gives to the poor will lack nothing, but he who closes his eyes to them receives many curses. (Proverbs 28:27 NIV84)

May we give generously with full abandon.


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Wednesday, February 27, 2013


Sweet time this afternoon with a friend from out of town. Its as if she never left. Love when friendships surpass the passage of time. So quiet in BrownTown. Loving being hardcore on mandatory quiet time. Funny how when all that's allowed is book time, prayer, sleep or thinking how little bodies actually rest. Had no idea how much I've needed this downtime especially when attacked by a snot monster virus. I think one day my sinuses are going to just fall out of my head in protest.

I probably need to just stop but been reading a lot of articles and I must admit the future looks incredibly bleak. Yet in that same glimpse I have much hope that the faith of people who are able to withstand the test of the crucible will be as pure as gold and will walk in ways with the Lord that many have not had the privilege of doing this side of heaven. Its strange to be filled with such sadness over the state of affairs these days yet excited by the grand and noble quest of helping to train up warriors for Christ as well as preparing my own heart for the battles that may lie ahead.

Its so weird reading Bonhoeffer and seeing the climate of today. I must admit in my flesh I could go down the road of great fear. There will be death in this life and their will be suffering regardless of what happens in the future. However, what is more noble than to suffer and to die for the sake of Christ? May my life be of so little little importance and Christ become the upmost important thing that if faced with a life devoid of Christ or death I would gladly and with psalms and hymns choose Christ.

I was thinking this morning how an act of terrorism, real or staged could be just the impetus needed to continue the domino effect of removal of many freedoms we daily take for granted. The climate is perfect for oh so many things. I think in all of this I can't help but wonder am I ready? Am I ready to forgo my comfort and live for something so much bigger than myself? Comfort is my idol. I want things easy and as pain free as possible. I've seen how God works in hardship and pain and yet I still long and thirst for comfort and ease. I want to thirst for Christ more.

Isn't my longing for comfort what makes parenting seem so difficult? I want my kids to obey right away, to pick up after their own messes, to not be an inconvenience or a bother. I want them to follow a simple formula and be easy. Children are anything but that. They are on their own plan. They are loud and noisy and destructive. They are difficult and they can't be microwaved to become what I desire them to be. In my quest for ease and comfort I miss it, I miss the blessing. Children are hard and difficult and wonderful and beautiful and full of everlasting blessing. They are eternal beings and a living legacy for generations to come. Nothing that fantastic ever comes without hard wonderful precious work. May I embrace it with joy and great gladness. To miss out on the precious gifts in front of our faces and wish away our time as parents is the saddest consequence I could possibly think of.

This is a fantastic chapter. Starts out with a bang with the first verse:

Do not boast about tomorrow, for you do not know what a day may bring forth. (Proverbs 27:1 NIV84)

I remember being fully entrenched in party mode and thinking once I'm married and have kids I'll get serious about this God thing. Oh how much precious time was wasted on foolish things. It was all part of God's plan bringing me to the end of myself but I pray my children would not foolishly waste their youth and singleness on things that would harm them or for fleeting things. How often do I thank God for today, for this very moment? I want to be all in now and not put off for tomorrow what God wants me to do today. I don't want to be distracting by fleeting busyness. This is the day that The Lord has made, let us rejoice and be glad in it. May I revel in these days and not just suck it up to get through. I may not have a tomorrow may everyday count towards something!

He who is full loathes honey, but to the hungry even what is bitter tastes sweet. (Proverbs 27:7 NIV84)

This verse is so fantastic. How many times have I looked in our fridge and thought bleh? I often feel entitled to something that sounds good or is tempting to the stomach. My kids are the same way. Oh how our wealth has blinded us not just in food but other ways. I look upon the blessing we have been given with dissatisfaction because I'm not in want. Oh to do away with my self entitlement and constant craving for comfort. I must learn to deny myself more of most things. Not in a martyr sort of way but in a way that would draw my heart towards increased gratitude. There is such beauty in the denying of oneself.

Perfume and incense bring joy to the heart, and the pleasantness of one's friend springs from his earnest counsel. (Proverbs 27:9 NIV84)

This verse is so pretty and turned my heart towards gratitude for the beautiful hearts of the friends God has so richly blessed me with.

Do not forsake your friend and the friend of your father, and do not go to your brother's house when disaster strikes you— better a neighbor nearby than a brother far away. (Proverbs 27:10 NIV84)

This verse pokes at my self reliance and codependency. How much easier it is to rely on Les than to ask a friend for help? Les is so gracious and such a wonderful husband yet God has blessed me with precious friends and He wants me to trust and rely and sometimes lean on the people He has blessed me with. Working on this but some habits die hard.

The prudent see danger and take refuge, but the simple keep going and suffer for it. (Proverbs 27:12 NIV84)

I wonder sometimes if I'm becoming all doomsday and conspiracy theory. Much more fun to bury my head in the sand and be happy go lucky. I can't help but see the writing on the walls and its wisdom to take heed. Its not God's desire for me to live in fear but rather prepare my heart for what may lie ahead. I don't want to be the bridesmaid who did not bring enough oil and missed the bridegroom.

If a man loudly blesses his neighbor early in the morning,
it will be taken as a curse. (Proverbs 27:14 NIV84)

Thank you Sol for the shout out for us non morning folks.

A quarrelsome wife is like a constant dripping on a rainy day; restraining her is like restraining the wind or grasping oil with the hand. (Proverbs 27:15, 16 NIV84)

Les would never say I was a quarrelsome wife. I wouldn't describe myself that way either. However, change quarrelsome to grumpy and you've got yourself a winner. I used to take pregnancy grumpiness and hold fast to it as if it were my right. The reasons for my grump are understandable; crazy hormones, lack of sleep, constant sinus funk however regardless of the reasons its still unacceptable and a curse rather than a blessing to my husband and my kids. I do have a choice to either embrace a foul mood as a right or try to fight against it till the bitter end asking for forgiveness when my tone or attitude hurts or offends. I pray that I fight against it more and lean into the never ending source of strength that is so readily available. Rarely does God wave a magic wand and instantly remove the grump but He is so faithful to walk in it with me.

As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another. (Proverbs 27:17 NIV84)

This sharpening is often painful but the end result is oh so beautiful.

As water reflects a face, so a man's heart reflects the man. (Proverbs 27:19 NIV84)

No comment just loved this verse.

The crucible for silver and the furnace for gold,
but man is tested by the praise he receives. (Proverbs 27:21 NIV84)

I loved this verse. Beware of the praise of man. It at times can be the encouragement we need to spur is on but it can also fan the flames of vanity and self and feed an evil monster within. How we handle praise is such a beautiful test of our hearts. To be self loathing is not what The Lord desires but neither is a man who is self promoting and puffed up. A humble heart is the heart to allow praise to fall upon. It knows the true source of all things good, right and beautiful.


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Tuesday, February 26, 2013


Wowee bozowee I'm tired. Definitely have the funk. Feel like its round three. Extra sinus fun and lethargy. I could sleep all day tomorrow. Thankful for God's provision today and enough push through for today. Fun day celebrating my precious girl. I can hardly believe that I get to be the momma to that beautiful now 7 year old. She truly is one of the most beautiful people I've ever met. I still can't believe that God has gifted me with her. Didn't cry today although I still just can't believe how fast time is flying. Thankful for a fresh outlook for our days so that I can enjoy this precious time with my Brownies.

Overcome with such gratitude today as several HS families joined us at the museum to celebrate my girl's day. Still remember being resolved to follow God's leading to HS but felt like we would be lone warriors. I could not have been more wrong. God has blessed my children with sweet kids their age for fellowship as well as sweet women that I enjoy to help spur me on in this grand adventure. I'm exhausted tonight but so incredibly full of gratitude. The Lord has blessed us so richly. I pray that the many days I fall into bed exhausted that I would not forget that the exhaustion is caused by much blessing.

Okay so maybe I'm ready to be done with proverbs. Its great stuff and filled with incredible wisdom. I think I'm just longing for story. Its story that compels me in so many ways. Everybody loves a good story and each of us has an incredible one! I think its why I'm a digger and a picker. The exterior of a person doesn't leave for much story. However, the heart holds the key to all the beauty that God is working on. I love His Story. Its woven in each one of us.

Do not answer a fool according to his folly,
or you will be like him yourself. (Proverbs 26:4 NIV84)

This is a fantastic verse for me and my kiddos. So fun seeing all the fleas they have inherited from me. Hopefully I've gotten better but I've definitely been known to roped into a fools folly and jump right into the crazy train with my mouth. There is a self preservation side of me that clicks on sometimes and once its on it can get ugly. I don't need to enter the boxing ring with fools. This is where humility and self control could serve me well. Am I searching the approval of man? In situations like this it really is better to just turn the other cheek. A fool is blind to his own folly so really there's no sense getting all worked up over nothing.

Do you see a man wise in his own eyes?
There is more hope for a fool than for him. (Proverbs 26:12 NIV84)

Ouch. This verse stings my pride yet it is so fantastic.

Though his speech is charming, do not believe him, for seven abominations fill his heart. (Proverbs 26:25 NIV84)

This verse is sad to me for it reminds me of someone who I wish it didn't. Instead of being a fool with a slanderous tongue I pray that I'm drawn to pray for that man day and night instead.

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Monday, February 25, 2013


so very tired. No much sleep last night but thanks to Carol Joy I at least got a short nap in this afternoon. Split all the boys up and crazy how 4 out of 5 kids took a nap too. Feel like I'm coming down with the funk going around.

Big night in BrownTown. The oldest boy lost his first tooth and its the oldest girls last night as a 6 year old. Kinda glad I'm too tired to become a slobbering sentimental mess. They grow up way too fast.

In my clogged headed, scratchy throated, droopy eye balled can't believe she'll be 7 tomorrow self I'm having a hard time concentrating on this chapter. The chapter ended with this buzz bomb.

Like a city whose walls are broken down is a man who lacks self-control. (Proverbs 25:28 NIV84)

Such a beautiful gem. I so don't want to be the woman who lacks self control yet often its true. I like to call it lack of self discipline. It sounds nicer and not as harsh but a spade is a spade. Lack of self discipline is lack of self control. Oh how I pray to have more control over my mouth, the food I ingest, over the anger that bubbles up, over my thought life, over doing the good I ought, and numerous other things that lack if self control affects. I can't do this solo and I don't need to this in order to gain favor. I do desire to make strides in self control so that I might glorify the Father who loves me so incredibly much.


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Sunday, February 24, 2013


Its been a crazy day full of insane emotion. This morning floored by a couples generosity towards an individual they have never met. This couple again and again schools me on what it means to give generously with a happy heart. Thinking about their story and how God has molded and shaped them over the years and how God has used it to mold and shape me as well. I shook my fist at God in anger for them while going through Job at BS one year. What I couldn't understand then was that God used tragedy and because of it Job knew God in ways he never would had if tragedy never had struck. Its because of my own first hand view how God uses tragedy to make Himself more know that I've been able to trust God more and rejoice in hardship knowing He has a plan.

All these thoughts of wonder and praise went through my mind this morning yet tonight I'm left shaking me head and feel like I'm at square one again. I feel like I'm living one of my biggest fears tonight. I'm not but it feels that way and in my flesh I can't help ask God how He could do this to me. Yet I know the blame does not belong to my precious Father. My anger should be directed at bastard satan. How dare he!

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Saturday, February 23, 2013


Oh wowzers! That Carol Joy Seid! I think instead of just drinking the kool aide I jumped into the whole darn punch bowl. Last time I heard her speak I was fired up and motivated to change my homeschool approach but had no clue how to change exactly. How would I measure what they were learning and success? Post Christmas I've slid back into my public school at home approach and my kids have balked and complained. I knew my goal of raising kids that loved to learn was failing miserably. Frankly, my flesh and desire for my kids to kick butt were ruining their experience. I knew this but just didn't know how to jump off the crazy train. Feel excited about having a new plan of attack, new focus, and a reminder that school will and should look different from the norm. Told the kids of the changes tonight and they pretty love Carol Joy as I thought they would.

So excited about Monday and relieved that I now have answers about how to attack school for my Lukeypotamus next year. Today a lot of my fears of straying from curriculum were eased. The thoughts that go through my head were said out loud. I don't want to be an unschooled family nor have school look like what takes place down the road. I truly want to teach my kids in a way that is best for them instead of out of my own agenda or insecurity. BrownTown Academy is going to look different than your average school but feeling much more confident about that. Abbie told me tonight "oh so we're still going to do school it will just be more fun now". That's going to be the idea. Fun to see friends join in and drink the kool aide too.

Proverbs 23:
First 8 verses talk about not giving oneself over to gluttony and love of food, money or things. Second half of the chapter is written as if Sol is giving first hand instruction to his son. Pretty strong chapter, very good read for parents.

Apply your heart to instruction and your ears to words of knowledge. (Proverbs 23:12 NIV84)

This doesn't just apply to youth its also a good reminder for grown folk. This is a continually process. I truly don't believe we "arrive" till the day we meet God up in heaven.

Do not withhold discipline from a child; if you punish him with the rod, he will not die.
Punish him with the rod and save his soul from death. (Proverbs 23:13, 14 NIV84)

These are strong verses. Its funny to read then tonight after telling Luke that this is the reason why we discipline him, because we love him enough to. Need to remember this when I so want to not follow through with consequences. Speaking of Luke that sweet boy is really growing understanding the hurt his own sin can cause. I think he'll be prone to guilt and shame and he will be one I'll definitely have to draw out as he is a stuffer. That boy is growing to be such a beautiful little person. What a blessing to not only know him but have the privilege of being his momma.

My son, if your heart is wise,
then my heart will be glad;
my inmost being will rejoice
when your lips speak what is right. (Proverbs 23:15, 16 NIV84)

This would bring me much joy as well!

I could copy and paste all these verses but will end on these two as the very thought warms my heart.

The father of a righteous man has great joy;
he who has a wise son delights in him.
May your father and mother be glad;
may she who gave you birth rejoice! (Proverbs 23:24, 25 NIV84)

Love this!

Head still swimming from all I learned today. So very thankful!


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Friday, February 22, 2013


I can not focus on a single thing tonight. This might be interesting. Bullet points might work well for me.

-sweet girl didn't wake up till after 9am tonight. She seemed slightly off yesterday and moaned off and on last night. Woke up with sick eyes and stomach pain. I could tell she was nauseous but she didn't want to talk about it. Cancelled her party tonight. She was totally fine with that this morning but as she felt slightly better later there were many tears. She felt so loved by the sweet friends sending their love and praying for her. Thankfully my girl never threw up. A puking episode can result in weeks of anxiety for our girl so I'm so thankful!!!

- wanted to cry for my girl this morning but as the day wore on and allergies kicked both me and my hubs booties I was slightly relieved we weren't scrambling around today for a party. Still feel like I have an axe in my face. Darn you Dallergies!!

- need to stop watching documentaries about how evil corrupt companies sell us products laced with toxins and feed us poisoned food. Going to make the switch to DIY cleaning products and cleaners as well as DIY personal care and fake-up. So glad I'm out of make-up and not a big consumer of it. Think we'll even save money on this deal which is exciting. Abbie watched with me and is fired up about making our own products. Now instead of keeping our cabinets stocked with detergents I need to keep them stocked with ingredients to make our own.

Proverbs 22:
Loved this reminder today:
Rich and poor have this in common:
The Lord is the Maker of them all. (Proverbs 22:2 NIV84)

Homeless on the street, president of the United States, SAHM, CEO, we all were created in God's image and we all have the very same maker. There is absolutely no reason for us to compare ourselves to others.

Train a child in the way he should go,
and when he is old he will not turn from it. (Proverbs 22:6 NIV84)

I'm banking on this!!

Folly is bound up in the heart of a child,
but the rod of discipline will drive it far from him. (Proverbs 22:15 NIV84)

Its sometimes hard for me to figure out the difference between folly and childishness in the heat of the moment. I pray that I get better at knowing the difference and wiser about my the justice that is delivered for disobedience and disrespect.


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Thursday, February 21, 2013


Run around day today. Fun day but run around regardless. Feels awesome to be getting some good days mixed in with the yuck days. (Just heard good news of a sweet friend's dad with good news cancer news. So very thankful! Just made my evening all the more sweeter.)

Great time getting caught up with friends I don't see often. This homeschool gig can be pretty sweet sometimes. Tonight I became an official soccer mom. So fun to see my kids playing. Loved watching my oldest push herself even though I know it wasn't easy. So very proud of these kids!

Proverbs 21:
All a man's ways seem right to him,
but the Lord weighs the heart. (Proverbs 21:2 NIV84)

What a great reason for community. We all have our blind spots. Thankful for community and that God is so good to reveal Himself and expose our hearts when we dive into His Word. I've never been more aware of my sinfulness than I am now but I've never felt as redeemed, forgiven and covered by righteousness either. Its an interesting and amazing paradox going on. I pray that God would continue to search my heart and lovingly show me areas of my life that still need heart surgery.

To do what is right and just is more acceptable to the Lord than sacrifice. (Proverbs 21:3 NIV84)

I don't know why but this verse reminds me of 1 COR 13. I can become a self made martyr and sacrifice everything but if I don't have love I'm just an obnoxious clanging gong. If I love God then I'll be willing to obey Him. Frankly I obey because He first loved me and has showered me with loving kindness.

If a man shuts his ears to the cry of the poor, he too will cry out and not be answered. (Proverbs 21:13 NIV84)

So incredibly challenged by this. I think about what I heard Chan once say. "If you are saving for an emergency fund what's a bigger emergency than knowing women are being sold as sex slaves". Basically he was saying we save for thinks like water heaters going out, cars dying ect, and yet children are starving, women are being abused, ect. Do trust that if we give radically that God will leave us high and dry.

I can't help but think about the homeless we encounter at times. I hate admitting this but its hard not to think that the choices they made led to their situation and they should reap the full consequences of their actions. Wisdom says this and yet God extends grace that surpasses wisdom. There are so many consequences that I should have experienced because of my foolish choices and yet I can look back time and time again and see how God spared me from the full weight of what I deserved. God has so much grace and compassion for us. I pray that I can grow to have the compassion of Christ. May He change my heart and open my blind eyes to see things the way He does.

A man who strays from the path of understanding
comes to rest in the company of the dead. (Proverbs 21:16 NIV84)

Such a strong verse! Great one for our kids to memorize and not a shabby one for Les and I either.

He who pursues righteousness and love finds life, prosperity and honor. (Proverbs 21:21 NIV84)

Another great one for the kids. Prosperity does not always look the way this world would define it. The prosperity God gives is so much better than the prosperity than can be achieved by ways of the world.

He who guards his mouth and his tongue keeps himself from calamity. (Proverbs 21:23 NIV84)

Another wonderful mouth verse. Oh how this mouth of mine has brought calamity upon me. Thankful to it is more under control than it once was but even my hubs can attest that my foolish mouth brought me to the brink of calamity more than once. I was a scrappy one back in the day.

There is no wisdom, no insight, no plan
that can succeed against the Lord. (Proverbs 21:30 NIV84)

I find so much comfort and peace in this. God's will is going to be carried out so there's no need to fear. He's got us and He's never going to let us go!

The horse is made ready for the day of battle, but victory rests with the Lord. (Proverbs 21:31 NIV84)

Praise God that no matter how bleak things may get I am on the winning team!!!


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Wednesday, February 20, 2013

DAY 921: 1 COR 13

This might be short because I'm seething and stewing in my own self righteousness. I need to step off the crazy train but unfortunately pride is firming rooted and unyielding right now. Right now i feel partly bratty and partly justified.To add to the fun I'm cramping up a storm. Slightly concerned but very much at peace.

Thought tonight would be best served in 1 COR 13. Maybe I'll move on to some "wives don't be a jackass" verses later.

A few things are really sticking out to me tonight. This verse especially.

If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing. (1 Corinthians 13:3 NIV84)

If I try my hardest to be a supermom and serve my neighbors and friends and have all the "right" appearances but have not love its all a lie and I'm sunk. If my daughter has the best 7 year old birthday party in the entire world but I'm screaming and yelling in order to get ready for it then I have not love and its a labor in vain. If I take my kids to the park but snap at my kids to get there then I have not love. My labor is in vain. I think often I do things to "love" my family, friends, ect but the labor is in vain if my actions in the process don't communicate love. This is so convicting to me.

Love is not easily angered, it is patient, it is kind, it is not rude or snarky to make a point, it is not self seeking, it is not passive aggressive or stubborn, or prideful, love puts others first, considers others more important than itself, love always protects, and love never fails, just to name a few.

Oh pride you are so slow to love and be humble.


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Les and I have an out of the house date so I'm going to try to get this in before tonight. Boys are playing Angry Fowl with friends and Abbie is playing pregnant family lady with her friends. I love free entertainment.

Started the day fired up. Read that a school district in Massachusetts is going to allow transgendered students into women's bathrooms. This is for age k-12 mind you. This bill was struck down for the population in general but the school district thought it a good idea to adopt. Despite the discomfort of girls they think the discomfort of transgendered individuals more important. This is so obviously foolish.

I am fired up about everything under the sun right now. So much so that it almost feels a bit manic. I think the articles I read this morning just got me charged up. The writing is on the walls and this country is on a crazy moral slide. I don't fear this but rather take my duty of training up my children to be spiritual warriors for Christ even more seriously. Its lead to other thoughts about church and ministry and all kinds of things. I don't want to be the fool who gets geeked up on zeal just for the sake of it. Rather I want to calm down, if that's possible and test and approve what is rattling around in my head with scripture. Definitely on a go, fight, win for Jesus high. This can sound nice and holy but I know that my heart can be prideful and I know there is deceit bound up in my heart that I'm unaware of. Zeal and passion without the Lord's direction and prompting is like a bunch of hot air. Tonight as I want to write about every topic under the moon I instead pray that I would rather be still and know that The Lord, the one who is called I AM is God and would reign in my heart and direct every step of my path.

Been taking mee maw sized handfuls of vitamins the past week or so. Wonder if this surge of extra Desiness can be attributed to that. I've battled apathy off and on the past year or so. Apathy is such a hard place for me to be in. I love having a fire in my belly but wowzers! I will try to simmer down but if you are around me in the next day or so just be forewarned you might get an earful.

Just took my MeeMaw pills and it occurred to me that this "mania" of mine is probably just something called energy. I haven't felt truly energetic in a very very very long time. There once was a time in my life when I had energy and a lot of it. If this is what is happening and all it took was handfuls of pills to feel "normal" again I'd be crazy thankful. No wonder I've been a grump to my kids for years. Just dragging this body of mine around every day has hard enough.

PrOverbs 20:
Okay took a fistful of melatonin so will get as far as I can.

Wine is a mocker and beer a brawler;
whoever is led astray by them is not wise. (Proverbs 20:1 NIV84)

I'm not against drinking and I know I've joked myself about shots of whiskey to close friends or my husband on a rough day at home. The truth is in that joking there is old fleshly desire. Booze was one of my main modes of numbing back in my wild pagan days. I drank like a fish, cussed like a sailor and smoked like a chimney. Hopefully some people would be shocked by that. The sailor tongue does come out once in awhile. Its hard to die but at least the FBomb no longer graces my lips. I see nothing wrong with a glass of wine or even gasp two. However, I've seen a trend lately that glorifies that glass of wine once the kids are finally in bed. Its one thing to drink a beer or have a glass of wine to enjoy it and its another thing to drink one because you either "deserve" it after a long day or need it to unwind. I'm a big fan of good beer, I like an occasional glass of wine and I really like a good margarita on the rocks (its the Salazar in me) however there are times I wonder if its worth it. If I drink that margarita on the rocks to celebrate my heritage am I distinguishing myself from the moms who can't wait to pop open that bottle of wine because kids have been acting like like there's a full moon all day.

I fear I'm turning into that nerdy Christian that I feared when I lived in Austin. When I stop and think about it though is my freedom to drink as a Christian worth exercising if its going to be a stumbling block for my brother or my sister? I hate writing this because I don't want my Margarina from La Duni to slip away from my fingers. This is definitely something to consider as I'm sure many other things in my life. What a difficult task it is to be in the world but not of it. Lord may my heart be spared the life of a Pharisee but may my heart desire to care more for my brothers and sisters than my own spiritual freedoms.

Okay melatonin working its magic. Zzzzzzzzzzzz


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Monday, February 18, 2013


Interesting day. I had all the right intention of getting up with our earliest riser to let my hubs sleep. He beat me to the punch and I woke up to the smell of pancakes cooking. Oh sweet husband of mine. We laid around and rested a lot while the kiddos sat in wonderment of way too much tv. Got a hard but oh so good talk in and look forward to more one on one time with an in home date night. I've missed my hubster! Made some hard decisions today and missed out on seeing people I love and being at a meeting of gals I adore tonight. In the past I would have held those things as more valuable than loving my husband well. Thankful God is changing this stubborn heart.

I'm sure there is much to write about but ready for all my offspring to be asleep and I'm fuzzy headed from all the lovely pollen in the air.

Proverbs 19:
A man's own folly ruins his life, yet his heart rages against the Lord. (Proverbs 19:3 NIV84)

I have witnessed this to be true in my own life when I was working my own plan and I've seen it in the lives of others. I pray those unable to see truth that their eyes would be opened!

A man's wisdom gives him patience;
it is to his glory to overlook an offense. (Proverbs 19:11 NIV84)

This is a great verse for my kids and for me as well!!!!

Houses and wealth are inherited from parents, but a prudent wife is from the Lord. (Proverbs 19:14 NIV84)

I so want to be the kind of wife that blesses the socks off my husband. In the process I want to grow exponentially in learning how to truly love sacrificially.

Discipline your son, for in that there is hope; do not be a willing party to his death. (Proverbs 19:18 NIV84)

This verse is strong. Reminded that I need to step up my game in not giving my children idol threats and truly following through with every single consequence I give them. Its so painful being a parent sometimes. The consequences I stink the most at following through is when it means one kiddo will have to sit out on family time. I love us all being together. If I truly love them then I will love them enough to always follow through and not look for ways to bail them out.


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Don't have much time but want to get a few thoughts out before church. Served by a sweet friend this morning. Huge vats of caffeine and lunch. My love languages! Been crazy loved on the past couple weeks. I'm sure the timing is perfect. Feeling incredibly raw today. God is definitely up to some heart repair right now. Started reading my friends second book and a part in the book so resonated with my feelings of unworthiness. This morning while streaming worship just felt God sweetly say we're going to work on this together because I love you enough. He also was kind to show me my guarded heart did not only extend to Les but to Him as well. Its the reason why my self reliance rears its ugly head in my relationship with God. There's so much more He wants for us and heart surgery must be done. Thankful to not be fighting it this time, at least not too much.

Sweet exhausted hubster took the kiddos home after church tonight solo so I could play tea party and watch Downton Abby. Really kinda hacked by the ending. How dare they!? So fantastic to not have to feed mouths dinner or tuck sweet bodies into bed. Really feel loved by that sweet gesture. Company tonight was great. Thankful for a all too brief moment with a precious friend in from out of town. Oh how its never enough time with her! Love her so. Great time with other ladies as well but again the time went too quickly. Tank feeling a little bit more filled which I'm incredibly grateful for.

Proverbs 19:
Okay going to semi check the box. Tired and Benadryl should be in full force any minute. Will revisit this tomorrow but this verse was really resonated with me tonight.

It is not good to have zeal without knowledge, nor to be hasty and miss the way. (Proverbs 19:2 NIV84)

This verse was written for me. Anybody who knows me well knows it doesn't take awhile lot to get me fired up. I possess lots of zeal for so many things. Some of it is truly focused on the right things and is the very reason why God created me with zeal and spunk. Often times my zeal is just that zeal and it lacks knowledge and is nothing but idol words and hot air. This is the zeal that needs to die. If I'm flippant and full of idol words than the words that do possess wisdom will be overshadowed by the idol foolish talk. I'm trying to work on this mouth but it is going to be a long uphill battle.

I'm not as hasty as I once was but still an area I could probably work on. My life used to be filled with shock value and hasty decisions. I was the foolish woman not just walking towards destruction but was racing towards it. So incredibly thankful this is no longer true of who I am today. Overcome with gratitude that the work God is doing in my life is far from over!


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Saturday, February 16, 2013


Sweet hubster came home and found a wife almost ready to breakdown over tortillas. So exhausted this afternoon and couldn't comprehend what we would eat with out these darn Mia tortillas. So not the way I wanted to greet him. I know he's had a crazy couple of weeks especially the last several days. Tomorrow is looking to be just as nutty for him. Despite his own exhaustion he took the four biggest to McD's and I'm at home putting a sweet baby to sleep. So crazy thankful and I'm sure they are too. They have been missing their daddy.

Good day overall despite my near meltdown. Didn't sleep well last night. The late afternoon caffeine worked great to help keep up with kids last night but hindered sleep.

Got to hang out with a friend from Austin this morning. Can't believe its been almost two years since I've seen her. So good spending time together. She is the friend who dreamed I had a baby girl named Advent when I was pregnant with Joshua. Little did I know two years later I would have a baby girl born during advent. This time she dreamed boy and so I'm sticking with that. We'll see but I think she's right and Team Pink in BrownTown might be a bit disappointed. Boy names are so much easier!

Creative and wild birthday party today for three sweet kids. Felt bad that as my four raised havoc with lightsabers I was unable to move from my chair. I could have fallen asleep in the middle of the party. Thankful my sloth booty landed right next to a dear friend. Oh how I've missed her. So great to sit side by side one half asleep and one with lots on her mind and not offend and thoroughly enjoy one another. Thankful.

Oh how I miss my hubster! Wanted to go with the rest of my crew tonight but exhaustion beat desire tonight. So thankful to have a partner in crime that I miss and long for when he's around. So sad tomorrow is Sunday! One more day then he's all mine!

Oh proverbs, so could use a no brainer tonight. Isn't there a slap stick comedy or romantic comedy section of the bible? Okay here goes...

A fool finds no pleasure in understanding
but delights in airing his own opinions. (Proverbs 18:2 NIV84)

Well stink, just two verses in and all fingers point to me. I can so be the gal of many opinions, strong opinions. Some biblically based and some very much me based. May I take more pleasure in wisdom and understanding than airing my own opinions.

Great verse for foolish and mindless flapping of the gums:

A fool's mouth is his undoing,
and his lips are a snare to his soul. (Proverbs 18:7 NIV84)

God please help muzzle the untamed beast that dwells at times in my mouth. May my words be a source of encouragement and life giving not depleting, unwholesome and foolish.

The name of the Lord is a strong tower;
the righteous run to it and are safe. (Proverbs 18:10 NIV84)

I'm so thankful that even in my struggle with self reliance this verse is so true to me especially when the chips are down. Their is refuge and strength found in The Lord my God!

Before his downfall a man's heart is proud,
but humility comes before honor. (Proverbs 18:12 NIV84)

The first part of this verse speaks to my pride but I really love the second half of this verse. Humility comes before honor. This is so contrary to what the world would say. I love that God's way is so counterintuitive to worldly wisdom. The scandalous rule breaker in me loves this!

And that's all I got for tonight folks!


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Friday, February 15, 2013


Okay this is probably going to get pretty messy. I pray that my rambling and emoting everywhere doesn't hurt, disrespect or dishonor anyone. Part of me doesn't want to process through this or write about it but I fear being unauthentic not necessarily to anyone other than myself.

First off I have to write about today. Fun times at the HS V- Day party. I have to admit having feelings of over responsibility for the mess and wonderful chaos right before the marriage conference. I know the crazy work that has been poured into it and felt a sense of over responsibility that I know wasn't mine to bear. We cleaned up after ourselves perfectly well and even our building guy didn't have any qualms about the condition we left the building in. I think I just know what it's like to be "that" family with all those kids. I've seen the looks on enough faces to know to many we are a three ring circus. I personally like it and was drawn to it even before having a kid of our own. I know its not for everyone though. Get enough of "those" families together and I'm sure it gets certain people's underwear in wads. Dont think the mass amount of free range childfen would have upset anyone had it not been for the big conference tonight. In most circumstances I really don't care but in some I do. I love my church and even with its blind spots (which ill take any day) I want to be on board with what they are trying to accomplish. All that to say we did nothing wrong and had it not been for tonight my own underwear would not have been in a wad.

Boys running around crazy and I'm growing chicken and don't even know where to start. Last night my hubster and I watched October Baby. Can't say that it was the best valentines day movie but it was great. Good for a boo hoo fest and to have compassion for workers in the abortion industry. Anyway, at the very end of the movie the adopted girl runs to her dad and says. "Thanks for choosing me". I about completely lost it. In my typical fashion though I shoved it down and tried to play off the big fat tears that had welled up in my eyes.

There's a couple glaring things here.
1. I've done a pretty good job cracking open the shelter wounds but I think I've only scraped the surface of my daddy wounds. I think some of that came up during engagement to Les but I had no way of processing it or even understanding it. I know they are there but just haven't dealt with it much.

2. My heart is still very guarded. I should be able to completely fall into a slobbering sobbing mess around my hubs. I'm still pulling a Heisman with my heart. I remember the first time I figured this out in Shelter and I was crushed. I'm not rocking a heart as tough as a diamond but its obvious that in some areas I'm still very much guarded. I don't know if its in some areas or all areas.

3. This is where I want to tread very cautiously. This is about me and my hurts and not about anybody else's shortcomings. When I first got married I was crushed that Les did not become my messiah and fix all the hurt I had bound up in my heart. In many ways I think I wanted him to save me, at least from the wounds of not having a caring and loving father. I often didn't feel "chosen" at the beginning of our marriage and I felt crushed by it.

I read a book my friend wrote and its jacked me up more than I've given it credit it for. Its a great story and very well written but I didn't anticipate the emotional fallout from it. I could relate too much with the main character and the relationship she had with her boyfriend awakened a desire I thought had died. In the movie we watched the same thing. Don't get me wrong the guy in the movie was a total chump to his girlfriend. Both characters though relentlessly pursued a girl despite her Heisman moves. They had nothing to gain from pursuing these girls, especially nothing physical, but they did it anyway. The not expecting anything in return kinda hits me. I feel completely unworthy of that kind of love. I'm not the kind of girl who deserves to pursued if I stiff arm and have a hard time trusting love. I'm not keeping score but I can 't receive an act of love without having to return it somehow. For me love comes at a cost. I know these are lies but to my heart right now its a reality.

I guess in all this I know I've been greatly pursued by the creator of the universe. I'm continuing to fight hard to know Him more so that his love becomes more and more real to me. I think in that I've healed a lot. I don't need my husband to rescue me from the pain left from broken dysfunctional fathers. I think in that healing though I've dismissed the hidden desire of a little girl to be cherished and adored. Regardless if I ever "feel" cherished and adored I'm still called to love my hubs selflessly. The truth is if my heart is still guarded from him there's no way I can truly love him in the way God calls me too. Don't make any mistake I feel very loved by my hubs. There are many ways I see him love me sacrificially. The truth is he could make every attempt in the world in an attempt to make me feel cherished and adored and its very possible in my guardedness I wouldn't. This is about me and my heart. Its about the wounds of never having my hair brushed by a father who didn't have ulterior motives. Its about how painful it is to still feel unworthy of love from somebody other than God. Maybe that's the key though. The more worthy I feel to be loved by God and adored by God the easier to allow somebody else. I think however that's just allowed me to hide. There's work that needs to continue to be done on this guarded heart, my self protecting and self sufficiency. Good times! The road goes on forever but the party never ends.

Four extra boys over. Funny how the noise goes up with boys but they pretty much entertain themselves. Very low maintenance. Hit an exhausted point this afternoon but God has provided like crazy this evening. He is so very good!!

Proverbs 18:
Will come back to this tomorrow night. I've gushed enough for one night.


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Thursday, February 14, 2013


This will be short as my hubster is on his way home. I'm afraid ill forget what his face will look like over the course of the next three days so I might ought to get some face time in tonight. Felt pretty good most of the day but hit a wall of exhaustion come late afternoon. Can't complain. Definitely think I'm over the biggest hump and should start getting more and more good days. Very thankful for that!

This verse stuck out to me today:

Children's children are a crown to the aged, and parents are the pride of their children. (Proverbs 17:6 NIV84)

How fantastic to have the wisdom and perspective to love grandchildren incredibly well. Oh to fully understand so much that I don't understand now. I hope and pray that despite my failures and shortcomings as a parent that my pursuit of Christ only increases in intensity over time and because of that very walking with God my children will one day beam with pride that I'm their mother. May that pride arise not because I'm great or "accomplished" but because I've died more and more over the years and Christ is very evident in my life. Hubs home. Baby almost asleep. I'm out. Love you friends! Very thankful for each of you!!


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Wednesday, February 13, 2013


Its amazing what some sleep can do. The crazies went away and other than sinus junk I felt pretty decent today. Thankful. Tonight while going over day 1 of the Lenten Tree and singing I Surrender All I realized the folly in wrestling God. God loves me like crazy. It is good for me, or rather for God, to smash my idol of self reliance. I'm thankful for the rather gentle ways that He's gone about it so far. Tonight I can't help but think about a sweet itty bitty recently diagnosed with aggressive leukemia. My little bit is singing and giving kisses right now and I can't imagine watching her sick and fighting for her life. Puts lots of things into perspective.

Giving up social media for lent. So many wonderful tweetable things happened today. Hopefully I won't get the shakes from withdrawal too bad.

More greatness in this chapter. This verse caught my eye for sure especially as patience has been greatly lacking.

Better a patient man than a warrior,
a man who controls his temper than one who takes a city. (Proverbs 16:32 NIV84)

It makes more sense to view this verse in light of motherhood. Better a patient mom than a mom with a completed to do list. Better a patient mom than a "super" mom. Often my frustration is caused by blocked goals, exhaustion, physical illness or flat out selfishness. There are things I can actively work on and try for each one of these. For blocked goals I can offer my day up to God more often. He has a beautiful way of prioritizing things for me when I let Him. When I'm exhausted I need to be a big girl and go to bed earlier or take a nap when I need it. There is no shame in nap taking especially when being a mom is physically taxing. I can't control all my physical ailments but I can do better at eating better, taking vitamins, and going to the darn doctor when I need to. As for selfishness, that's something I need to continually pray that God would create a clean heart in me. Death of self is slow and painful.

Gray hair is a crown of splendor;
it is attained by a righteous life. (Proverbs 16:31 NIV84)

I hope my gray hair does become a crown of splendor. Still holding firm to growing gray gracefully and not fighting it but not as much fun to say as I see more and more gray coming in. May I grow more beautiful with age even as my body falls prey to gravity and slowed metabolism. I want to be beautiful like Judy Wimberly some day. That woman is one of the most beautiful women I've ever met.


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Tuesday, February 12, 2013


This will be short. Sweet friend watched my kiddos this afternoon and sent us home with dinner. Such a blessing and perfect timing. Another rough pregnancy day coupled with sinus yuck and total lack of sleep. It was physically painful to get out of bed this morning. Thanks to being loved on I slept for over 2.5 hrs this afternoon. Cashing in my chips early tonight too. My body is screaming for sleep. Last night when little bit cranked all night and kid after kid climbed in our bed I wanted to scream and throw a baby. That's when I knew I was in a bad place. Little bits night time shenanigans rarely leave me angry.

Several friends have been asking about how I'm doing at self care. I think the first thing that came into my mind that would help the next 6 months would be quiet time in the afternoons. Some downtime would be good for everyone. Other than that I'm not always aware I'm about to go down in flames. I'm pretty confident there's a time in every pregnancy where I run full on into a brick wall. Often that results in a day off for my hubs and a day in bed for me. Hopefully, I'll get better at detecting the warning signs and put on my BGP and ask for help when I need it.

Again this chapter is loaded with greatness. This one hit me the most tonight.

All the days of the oppressed are wretched,
but the cheerful heart has a continual feast. (Proverbs 15:15 NIV84)

All of us could fall under the category of oppressed at some point in our lives. I think that even in times of serious trial we can still eat that continual feast if we choose gratitude and cling to the feet of Christ. I've been reaching to not be a grumpy Gus but the past couple weeks have been hard. I feel like I started out baby baking thankful and choosing joy and having eyes wide open to God's daily provision. Right now I'm just over it and I'm throwing an all out fit. I don't want to plead for strength to get through the day. I don't want to ask for patience, love and grace all through out the day just so that I don't eat my offspring. I want to live up to the expectations I have set up for myself, operate out of my own strength and enjoy my kids. I think I'm more weary from fighting than anything. I want to stop fighting and go back to remaining. I want to choose gratitude. I have so much to be thankful for but my flesh has been a raging beast. I'm trying to fight but feel like I'm loosing the battle. Tonight I will choose to be grateful for the raging war of flesh. I know that in it God is at work and even if it seems like I'm loosing the battle God is helping me to win the war.


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Wow. Today was Monday for sure. Sometimes I feel like I'm living in a comedy and the jokes on me. At one point today I expected somebody from Punked to jump out and surprise me. Today while I was swishing the poopy undies of the boy who dumped a bottle of soap on the bathroom floor and rubbed it all over his body and his sisters while trying not to gag from the burnt cracker smell that was the result of a microwave experiment I couldn't help but laugh. I had the opportunity to choose joy or focus on the mess and inconvenience and be angry. Oh I wish I chose joy more often. I wish I could have a clear focus on the eternal and not get distracted by the temporal. Even if there's five fires to put out, school to be done, and 30 plus things on the to do list God always has a way of working out the most important things if I'm willing to trust. Walking in faith daily is so incredibly difficult especially when God wants your everything.

Today my girl whipped through 3 math lessons in less than 10 minutes. It's been taking this girl forever just to get one done every day. She doesn't necessarily struggle in math its just so hard for her to stay focused. Today her "math teacher" times them on addition facts. That's all it took to get this girl motivated. Being under slight pressure or having a challenge is helpful for that kid. She is so wired like me its not even funny.

This morning my oldest boy fought me on school and pretty much everything. Lots of character development this morning for all of us. I'm not fond of the rebellious attitudes, screaming, yelling, hitting, kicking, biting and death threats but so thankful I get to be the one to train up these kids. Just as these Brownies squeeze the funk out of me I'm not sure I'd see the full gamete of their funk if we didn't have this time together. We are quite the crew, all of us together. So thankful God has graciously given us each other so that together we can all grow to be more like Him.

So feeling the love from friends today. Sweet girl bought me a book that will teach me how to cook without a cook book. I can cook if I have a recipe but stink at looking at the cupboard and throwing something together. This book will teach me how to keep a stocked cupboard and how to actually whip up something from things laying around instead of needing a recipe. I'm excited about using it once food and I are on better speaking terms. Another friend just took the time to research my allergy issues. She thinks adrenal fatigue might be adding to my sinus and allergy issues. I looked it up and I have like almost every symptom of adrenal fatigue. I remember once vomiting my frustration about something going on in our adoption process. A friend emailed back bible verses and a good pull up your big girl panties because its going to be a long ride. She was right its been a much longer ride than I expected. Anyway, I do want people to love enough if I'm carry on and on about something but what I really wanted was to feel like my friends were in it with me. I feel like I have a small army of people in it with me. I'm sure I always have, in fact i know i always have but it feels very tangible right now. Think this is God's sweet gracious way of helping me get rid of señorita self reliance. I so want to be able to parent more like God does. He knows His kids so very well and He loves them immensely. Blows me away.

On another note sweet friend that is watching Brownies tomorrow reminded me that people often find blessing in serving others. I know I feel that way too but it made me get all choked up. I think my issue with allowing others to love me is that I still feel unworthy of it. Its interesting because I don't necessarily feel that way about God anymore. I've spent the last 912 days reading a love story written to me. Hard not to accept love when its written on every page.

Another great chapter. Verse after verse of incredible wisdom. Wisdom right now says go to bed. So on that note just going to stick with one verse tonight. This verse was so timely for me today.

A gentle answer deflects anger,
but harsh words make tempers flare. (Proverbs 15:1 NLT)

I can so see this truth in the interactions I have with my kids. When I get roped into their crazy and pour out my own version we get nowhere. Tempers flare and relationship gets broken. However, when I exercise self control and talk to them in gentle ways that's when I see hearts that change. In those moments my kids see much less of mom and more of God. Its God's kindness that leads us to repentance not the hammer of Thor.

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Monday, February 11, 2013

DAY 911: DEUT 6

I know one day I will no longer feel exhausted and when that happens I'm sure heaven is going to be awesome. :) I'm so over first trimester. I hate griping about being pregnant. I know there are women out there that would love to be in my shoes. It is a blessing but its hard. I'll be honest today I don't want this to be an opportunity to lean into Christ. I want to be able to do it on my own and out of my own strength. I want to run circles around my children instead of dragging after them. I want it to be all about me, my comfort, and my ability. Oh the battles of the flesh are so incredibly difficult to fight.

Fun tonight eating impromptu dinner with friends. I might be in trouble though. Ate a Caesar salad and might want that for a week straight. Speaking of food, had my first glass of raw milk today thanks to a sweet friend. It was fantastic! Craving it right now. It's going to be an expensive pregnancy.

Really been enjoying the latest series at church. It's made me feel less freakish for wanting to have a small army of children or shall I say arrows. Felt guilt relief when our pastor mentioned daily devos is not the driving force behind training up kids in righteousness. I feel like such a slacker and stink at follow through on the devos but am better at the day to day training. Obviously after listening to some examples I've got a ways to grow but these kids are learning and growing and I'm thankful. Yesterday Paul was in his room throwing a massive fit and I heard him cry out to God and ask for help to stop crying. He's learning and God's word is taking root in his young heart. It's encouraging. We may not be devo central but these kids hear about God every single day. Thankful for the work God is doing in our lives. I am no where near the parent I fully desire to be but I'm thankful God has placed me on the right track. I'm thankful that He is faithful to do the heart surgery necessary to be the mom He created me to be. He's faithful even when I'm fleshly and not.

This chapter is so fantastic. Love imagining all the Israelites gathered together to hear Moses speak and give them God's commandments. I love this verse but I'm so taken aback by it tonight.

Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. (Deuteronomy 6:5 NIV84)

I want this to be true of my life but its not. Often God is not the first thing I turn to for help, strength or comfort. I look to cheap imitations to feel the ache of insecurity, loneliness, guilt, shame, feelings of inadequacy, ect. That's not evidence of a heart that is fully engaged with God. I write that not as a guilt and shame ridden statement but rather the truth. I want to love God with ALL my heart, with ALL my Soul and with ALL my strength but I don't. I love God with some of my heart, some of my soul and some of my strength. There's nothing I can do necessarily to change this either. Prone to wander Lord I feel it. I need God to change my heart. I needed a new heart because mine was bent towards rebellion and self destruction. God is working on it and the process has been painful. There's much heart surgery left to do. Often there are days like today when I still want to walk in rebellion and not have to rely on anyone other than myself. I just realized it now but I think my extra desire to be my own woman today is based out of allowing others to help me. Yesterday sweet allergy gifts, couple bought our dinner tonight, and God making me take a sweet friend up on her offer to watch my kids. It is so difficult for me to be on the receiving end especially when I know its a sacrifice for the one giving. I don't know if having a hard time accepting has to do with feeling like love comes at a cost, feeling a lack of control or feeling unworthy. Whether its a nice combination or not it explains my desire to stiff arm God tonight. I so easily can fall into self preservation / protection mode. Good times.


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Saturday, February 09, 2013


Cloudy day and I could have slept all day long today. Who could sleep when its been a day of Brown Boys gone wild? Its not my favorite hearing "you've got your hands full" especially when my kids have shined and polished their halos. (It happens) However, these boys are a handful. A wonderful crazy handful that blesses my socks off, grows grey hair and sanctifies me like no other. I think we're growing number four too so that will add to the wonderful crazy. I think I've been wrong 5 out of 5 times so maybe there will be more pink and ponies than I think.

I hear my sweet girl crying. She's been so good today. It's hard to hear her make bad choices at the end. She even made my bed and tucked me in tonight. She is such a joy. This parenting gig can be so heart wrenchingly hard.

Sweet precious friend dropped off a get rid of allergies kit tonight. So thoughtful and such a tangible need met. I have to be real though and admit its still hard for me to be loved on. Sweet thoughtfulness like this makes me want to be better at this too. It's rare when two brain cells rub together and a thoughtful idea comes to surface. Each rarer when I'm able to follow through. I hope a lot of my thoughtlessness has to do with life stage and one day it will be my turn to shower others lavishly. Seems so easy for some though no matter the season. Another friend offered to watch my kiddos. That's no easy task and a commitment for sure. Thankful again for God's sweet provision of friendships. God has lavished me so richly with sweet precious friends.

On another note my prayer life needs an overhaul. I pray but it has felt like ADD prayer for a long time and I don't know how to shake this prayer apathy. Maybe I just need a time of not asking for anything but rather instead just thanking Him for everything.

Feeling bleh tonight. Tired of the weariness and my self focus. My heart hurts for a precious itty bitty who potentially has a rare disease. I selfishly pray that this would never be part of our story. I don't think my heart would strong enough for a trial like this. I feel as if I would be swept away by the raging sea. I know that God is big enough to hold it all together in His hands yet I feel as if I would slip right through His fingers.

I think I feel fragile right now. I reckon there's much strength in me even admitting that. There must be more to this weariness than just pregnancy, allergies and lack of sleep. I don't like this kind of place very much and yet I know its not a bad place for me to be. There is much room for God to work when the tough exterior begins to show cracks. Right now. Right in this moment it feels like I can't take another single step without God's help. Nothing is wrong per say. I'm just so weary and so tired from operating out of my own strength. I am confident that this is a beautiful place for me to be. Maybe its that I haven't fully trusted God. Maybe I've been afraid that if I completely jumped in He would only disappoint. It's been safer to keep one arm holding onto the side of the pool. If He disappointed and dropped me I think it would feel like my whole world would fall apart. So here I am, tired and weary, finally ready to listen to Him and believe that when He told me "you don't have to be so strong", He wasn't lying. I want to stop walking for God and do more walking with Him.

The wise woman builds her house,
but with her own hands the foolish one tears hers down. (Proverbs 14:1 NIV84)

I feel like I waffle back and forth from being the wise woman and being the foolish woman. Again it mainly goes back to the mouth. Are my words breathing life into the ones I love or are they tearing down the marrow and bone? The verse "do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouth but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs that it might benefit those who listen". I want my words to benefit those who listen. I don't want my words to be foolish and filled with unwholesome talk that is full of idolness and that tears down.

With this my tired butt is going to wrap this up.


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Wish I could have a do over tonight. Hit my wall and just wanted to get kids in bed as fast as possible. Didn't handle obstacles well and the normal dragging of feet to bed. Hate acting this way and treating them as if they are something to have to deal with instead of enjoying them for the blessings that they are. I think dinner pushed me over the edge. Crock pot dinner probably wasn't the best idea. The smell of food cooking all day was a bit much for this still queasy stomach. It's slowly getting better but still struggling. Unless its smothered and covered in chocolate, icing or mustard its hard to get down still.

Sweet friend came over this afternoon. So good to see her and talk about real things. Fills up my tank. I realized today while talking to her how thankful I was for a real night of sleep. Felt a lot less crazy and woe is me today. Feeling ick and being sleep deprived on top is a bad combination.

Good day today overall snuggling with kiddos. Hate that I probably undid good today being a grump. Thankful for a fresh tomorrow.

Memory jogged by a friend about a nice pinch on the leg I gave one of my boys for continuing to pull my hair when I said stop. He wailed and I asked for forgiveness. Ugh.

Proverbs 14:
So many great verses in this chapter. Baby dancing around and looks like its going to be another long night so I'm going to end this with this verse.

A quick-tempered man does foolish things, and a crafty man is hated. (Proverbs 14:17 NIV84)

In thinking of my history with my pinched son this verse blazed off the page. In my quick temper with him at times I've done foolish things that I've definitely regretted. So funny that before coming to WM I would not have considered myself an angry person. There is definitely a piece of me that is tucked deep inside that contains much rage. This is only evidence that there is still much healing left to be done.

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Thursday, February 07, 2013


My baby girl likes to party. She stayed up till past 1am and then woke several people up in a rage when I finally cut her off the paci. Weaning this child just might kill us both.

I have to view this week through the lens of less sleep than normal. I think its the reason for my extra emotional state and less ability to cope. Some breaking out of myself would do me some good.

Heard a heartbeat today. Love that sound. Took awhile for the midwife to find it. It's almost as if God prepared my heart for that moment. I was very calm while it a few minutes to find. In fact, I've found a very strange peace about all things pregnancy and babies. For the first time in a long time I've stopped white knuckling it all. I'm finally willing to listen to what God told me and I'm not going to fear pregnancy. I'm not going to worry about the tension of worldly wisdom verses biblical wisdom. I'm not going to worry about adoption and timelines and prevention and ages and provision and any other thing. Lean not on your own understanding. That is all I've been doing since Luke, heck since before we ever thought about kids. I just to embrace the blessing of today knowing that I'm not promised tomorrow. I don't have to figure anything out, God has it all figured and His plan will be done regardless of what I think should be done. So thankful for that!

I want to whine and complain right now about exhaustion and still feeling pukey, and pollen gone wild. I would love to feel good again. It's been a long time. But I'm so thankful for today and even in my shallow complaining and whining I know I have much to be thankful for. God has been so very good to me. I look forward to kicking heaven body but until then I'm so thankful for all the things God allows me to do with this earthly body now. Praying precious one sleeps tonight. This is the key to a lot of my problem this week.

Again with the mouth. Thankful for the constant stream of reminders right now.

He who guards his lips guards his life,
but he who speaks rashly will come to ruin. (Proverbs 13:3 NIV84)

(Oldest still up. Clearly exhausted since she has been as emotional as I have been this week. Oh my precious sanguine children and their inability to sleep. They so got that from their stubborn mother!)

Okay cutting this short as I'm going to spend time with my hubs who just got home and hopefully pass out.


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Wednesday, February 06, 2013

DAY 907: PROVeRBS 12

Oldest boy complained of stomach pain and feeling pukey this morning. The kid who is normally bounding with energy in the morning looked more like me. Thankfully nothing ever materialized and he obviously felt better by the afternoon. The kid rarely gets taken out by a stomach bug.

This week has felt like an uphill battle. Waving the white flag and just letting it be what it will be. Very weepy the past several days. Oh the hormones!

This verse pierced my heart tonight.

Reckless words pierce like a sword,
but the tongue of the wise brings healing. (Proverbs 12:18 NIV84)

I can be so reckless with my words. My little one jumping up and down because I said I'd lay down with him on his bed. It doesn't take much. This can so be the case with my words too. It doesn't take much to build up or to tear down. God please help bind my mouth from speaking careless words that pierce the heart. When I do fail please give me the wisdom to ask for forgiveness.

An anxious heart weighs a man down,
but a kind word cheers him up. (Proverbs 12:25 NIV84)

This verse reminds me of a dear friend who searches for ways to offer a kind word to cheer someone up. Whether it be at Target or one of her sons teachers she looks for the one who is downtrodden and offers not empty flattering words but words that build up and that are spoken from a heart of genuine love. I too pray for eyes can that see the broken hearted and for the right words that can soothe like healing balm.

I read this chapter to my Brownies tonight and they about gasped when the very first verse I read had the word stupid in it. Oh how scandalous for the bible to contain such things. I pray as they grow older their eyes would be fully open to the scandal and the enormous amount of love that is written all over these pages.

Whoever loves discipline loves knowledge,
but he who hates correction is stupid. (Proverbs 12:1 NIV84)

Oh how I long to continue to grow to be this kind of wife:

A wife of noble character is her husband's crown,
but a disgraceful wife is like decay in his bones. (Proverbs 12:4 NIV84)


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Tuesday, February 05, 2013


It's Lord of the Flies around here and my to do list is a mile long but I don't want to forget this. It's rare moments when prospective comes into focus and I don't want to miss it and have fall away into the abyss called chaos. It's been a rough one. I'm tired from being the resident paci all night and the others are wound up. My plans have been thwarted with the most frustrating being several failed attempts to get the littlest one some rest. Laundry clean and dirty is stacked up everywhere. Piles of dishes in the sink. Lessons needing to be taught. Five needy hearts beckoning for attention. Meals needing to be figured out and cooked.

A message from a precious friend about being on the way to the gym sparked a feeling of jealousy. Oh to have quiet space to think for five minutes, to meal plan, to get one thing complete from start to finish, to go to the gym or the grocery store alone without cutting into family time or go at the end of the day when there is nothing left. And I suck at all this, this house manager gig. I'm not wired this way. Yet this is the life God has given me. This is the life God has graciously blessed me with. It's this beautiful chaos and my inadequacies that draw me to the throne in ways nothing else will. Yes I suck at value engineering and meal planning, home organization and management. The very thought sends me into panic and a tailspin of guilt and shame. Yes I've asked for help. I've stormed the throne for it. Yet I want a happy meal version. I want it quick and I want the answer right now. I don't want to work and put blood sweat and tears into. It's in the work and in the toil we see God's face in the midst of it all. That's what I yearn for and yet I constantly want to short change the process. I want comfort and I want instant satisfaction. I want to depend on my own self reliance. Today I am depleted. There's pressure that I think moms of large families put on ourselves. We can't ever be depleted or need a break. After all we were "insane" enough to do this to ourselves right? Yet nobody would question the burnt out mother of two. Am I burnt out? Not exactly but I do feel weary today. Today in my flesh I long for public school, Mother's Day out, and a house cleaner. Then I was given perspective and saw the sweetest fruit from a boy who has been struggling. There has been some intense weeks of trying to sow seeds into the heart of this child. I saw him starting to get it today. I saw him fighting flesh and trying to die to self. I could see the struggle, the internal war he was fighting inside. This is why most days I wouldn't trade my life for anybody else's. I have the opportunity to help train up 5 soon to be 6 eternal souls to be passionate followers of Christ. Whether or not our house is perfectly orderly, my baby gut ever disappears, or if the layer of slime will always cover everything in our house will not matter. All these things will fade and disappear but the souls of these precious ones will not. The irony that my struggles result from our excess did not miss me today either. I have much to be thankful for. My struggle is what most people around the world would love to have. I don't know true hardship comparatively. Yet regardless whether or not my problems are a first world problem or not I know that God cares and that He loves me even on days when true perspective runs thin and I am self focused. His goodness never ceases to amaze me.

Wrote this while trying to get little bit down for the fourth time today. Oddly enough nobody came parading in screaming of a paper cut or some other odd thing. To my surprise those I saw the boys had rearranged the furniture in the living room and closets had been ransacked. At least they were quite?

On another note my sweet hubs who took his turn holding an angry baby who was cut off from her paci
made pancakes this morning for us. So this is love!

So many great verses in this chapter about seeking righteousness versus following after evil. This is a great verse about pride:

When pride comes, then comes disgrace,
but with humility comes wisdom. (Proverbs 11:2 NIV)

This is so crazy true. Maybe I can get it tattooed on my forehead.

Whoever derides their neighbor has no sense,
but the one who has understanding holds their tongue. (Proverbs 11:12 NIV)

The one who has understanding holds their tongue. Again with the bridling of the mouth, now to grow in wisdom and self control to act on this more. My FBomb mouth has come along way but there's still much work to be done.

I think this verse is beautiful:
The fruit of the righteous is a tree of life, and the one who is wise saves lives. (Proverbs 11:30 NIV)


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Monday, February 04, 2013


This might be short. Got some awesome vertigo kicking. Felt it kick in tonight at a neighbors and now after reading to kids feeling pukey because of it. Good times! Other than tonight actually felt pretty good today. Still have moments of crazy exhaustion but fingers crossed I'm headed on the upswing of soon to be 2nd trimester.

Ditched school and to do's this afternoon to be silly with my kids. We played ponies and other silly games. So great to just enjoy these precious ones. I miss the days when I was less distracted by to do's and school work. Our days were filled with nothing but play and silly and toddler tantrums. I don't want to miss silly afternoons playing by being too focused on school, chores and to dos. There will always be something to do but these kids won't always be young enough to want to play. Thankful for beautiful perspective today.

Proverbs 10:
I'm pretty sure this is a memory verse the kids had for church and I really like it.

Whoever walks in integrity walks securely,
but whoever takes crooked paths will be found out. (Proverbs 10:9 NIV)

Those who don't walk with integrity will eventually be exposed but those of us who walk with integrity can walk confidently and securely. Love this reminder. May my steps stay firmly rooted in integrity.

Love these verses concerning the mouth. This is an area that constantly needs to be worked on. My lips can be loose and at times I can chatter on like a fool. I want the words or my mouth to bless others not curse.

Whoever winks maliciously causes grief,
and a chattering fool comes to ruin. The mouth of the righteous is a fountain of life,
but the mouth of the wicked conceals violence. Wisdom is found on the lips of the discerning,
but a rod is for the back of one who has no sense. The wise store up knowledge,
but the mouth of a fool invites ruin. (Proverbs 10:10, 11, 13, 14 NIV

Loved this verse tonight!

Hatred stirs up conflict,
but love covers over all wrongs. (Proverbs 10:12 NIV)

This is so true. Love does cover all. Love came down to cover all my sins and love continues to heal all the wrongs I've committed as well as the wrongs committed to me. Thankful for this love and the source of true life!!


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Sunday, February 03, 2013


Hate to write this but I'm going to anyway. Felt rough this morning but finally got a pop of energy this afternoon and felt pretty good this evening. Thankful! Fingers crossed last week was my first trimester peak and soon the good days will out number the not so good days. Even if not thankful for today and God's constant provision during this time. God has steadily provided if and when I ask and choose to lean in.

Fun evening with friends tonight. Oh how I love these people and so thankful to have in my life. Didn't get as caught up as I would have liked with every one but thankful for some sweet time at the end. I'm so thankful for all the precious friends God has placed in my life through out the years. God is so sweet to provide such precious people in my life.

This chapter is powerful. Sol describes the different ways wisdom and folly invite people to join them. Again I am taken aback at how wisdom calls and yearns for all to hear and to learn. God beckons each and everyone of us. I'd like to take pride in the fact that I listened to wisdom but it took God softening my hardened heart and opening my blind eyes and my deaf ears for me to respond to wisdoms beckoning. On my own I was too enamored with folly. This verse describes the guests that have decided to join folly.

But little do they know that the dead are there,
that her guests are deep in the realm of the dead. (Proverbs 9:18 NIV)

This gives me chills. It really spurs me on to pray that God would open the eyes of the blind.

These are great verses.

Do not rebuke mockers or they will hate you;
rebuke the wise and they will love you. Instruct the wise and they will be wiser still;
teach the righteous and they will add to their learning. (Proverbs 9:8, 9 NIV)

This is great at remembering not to throw pearls before swine. Some people are just not going to get it because they love being blinded by folly and denial. The second half reminds me that I need to listen to those in my life that love God and love me enough to sharpen me. I don't take sharpening well at first but when I'm not being a total prideful beast and can get over myself often I am thankful for the wounds of trusted and loving friends.


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Saturday, February 02, 2013


Exhausted and fighting feeling pukey all day. Keep hoping to eat the magical food that will make me feel better. Yesterday morning I ate a magical breakfast taco. It was homemade I think and that makes me sad.

Hubs let me lay around like a swollen troll all day. I got kicked to the curb for escorting my girl to a party today. She was afraid I would throw up. I was okay with keeping my trollish self in pj's. Great cuddling time with kiddos today. Sweet time spent with each of them. Love these kids. They make the hardship of pregnancy so worth it!

Proverbs 8:
Whew! No mention of the adulterous woman today. Lady wisdom however is the highlight of this chapter. I love how it talks about wisdom calling out to all of mankind. She stands at the crossroads calling hoping that you'll choose wisdom over the road to death that is folly. I can attest to this calling out. Even as I was living my life fully embracing folly and death I knew the call of wisdom very well. I decided to ignore wisdom though and ran whole heartedly to folly. This makes me want to shake those that I know and love who have chosen the road to folly . Listen up people!! She is calling out to you and it doesn't matter whether or not you choose to listen in the end folly always leads to death.

The chapter continues on talking about how valuable wisdom is. Wisdom is more precious than valuable jewels and precious gold. Love these verses:

With me are riches and honor,
enduring wealth and prosperity. My fruit is better than fine gold;
what I yield surpasses choice silver. I walk in the way of righteousness,
along the paths of justice, bestowing a rich inheritance on those who love me
and making their treasuries full. (Proverbs 8:18-21 NIV)

The wisdom of this world would latch onto the prosperity and wealth part of this verse. The health, wealth and prosperity gospel loves verses like this! The rich inheritance that I desire is not only my precious salvation but a lasting legacy of God fearing, passionate bold world changers. That would be the richest inheritance that I could think of. I pray my children are passed down a rich treasury of God's word written all over their precious hearts. This would be wealth and a prosperity that rust and moths could not steal!

I'll end on this verse:

I love those who love me, and those who seek me find me. (Proverbs 8:17 NIV)

I love this about wisdom. I often tell this to people who are soul searching and asking God about a particular direction in their life. When we truly seek God and His wisdom, wisdom is sure to find us. Wisdom is not lurking and hiding its quite the opposite. Wisdom waits longingly for us to listen and discover her!


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Friday, February 01, 2013


Oh the sweet babies that were born this week! There's nothing like that first baby. I remember how it seemed like an impossible feat to get to and fro with just Abbie. I thought for sure the carseat would be the death of me. Can't believe that sweet little baby girl who first made me a momma will be 7 in a few short weeks. May I not be foolish and waste precious moments on things that are fleeting.

Family movie night watching the Lion King. I love their sweet precious hearts and their love of laughter. May laughter fill our home.

So the speaker today at the Nest left me feeling more looserish than encouraged. I'm pretty sure every first trimester I'm left struggling with feelings of inadequacy and wondering if I'm damaging my other children. I think this is very deeply rooted in the lie that I must work for and earn love. On my own I am not lovable. I hate that the lie that love is conditional is so deeply rooted in my heart but thankful for this glimpse. I know all the right answers in my head but sometimes a bruised heart is slow to heal. God is so faithful to complete the good work that He has started.

More warning against the adulterous woman. I'll admit I'm over it and the irony of the one teaching it is beginning to make my blood boil just a bit. This is how reading the bible used to be. I'd read about how women were mistreated and I would be enraged. I didn't know God's heart and all I could see was a double standard. I'm hoping the adulterous woman is symbolic of folly or something. Surely it means folly. Lord please help me to look past my own junk and see you.


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