Thursday, March 28, 2013
This will be short as my mind is swimming with neighborhood ideas and excitement and my lungs are so itchy I wish I could reach my hand down them and scratch. In the meantime I'll sit here and scratch my face off.
The account of Jesus betrayal, arrest, and crucifixion are very similar to Matthew's. I think sometimes I can hear a bible story so much that my heart dulls to the message. Interesting that tonight did not hit my heart in the same way. Although I did read this to the kids tonight instead of the quiet throne of my messy bedroom. I got to see something beautiful spring forth from this passage tonight that when I think about it moves me to tears. My sweet daughter really connected with this passage tonight. She asked lots of questions and at one point stopped me and told me she might cry. She then sang a precious song that came to her mind after I read. Sweet girl is getting it and I'm so thankful. We got to talk about the great sacrifice God made for us and that even though it was for the entire world Jesus had our individual names on his heart as he suffered and died. I explained that's why I wanted to obey God and give Him my everything because of how much He loves me and sacrificed for me. Such a sweet moment and I pray one of many that will sow seeds in her precious heart. What a joy to be a momma.
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Wednesday, March 27, 2013
Today at BS talk turned to the joy of suffering that Paul often spoke about. There is so much beauty to be had in the hardest seasons of life. It's when God draws us nearest to Him and shapes us to be most like Him. I'm thankful to be smack dab in Spring right now. I know there will be Winters that await me but for now I lift up my hands and rejoice over this precious season. May I learn to rejoice as much in the depths of my sorrow during the winter remembering that even winter has a time and place and does not last forever.
I've been considering jumping back into the Shelter ring this summer. Lots has been stirred in my heart this pregnancy and I know there are doors left for The Lord to unlock. It's a process that looks much more like a marathon rather than the sprint I'd like it to be. I would be co-leading this time which would allow more breathing room. The bonus would be leading with a woman I admire for possessing wisdom yet who is wired so contrary to me. So many lessons that could possibly be bound up in a three month stint. I'm not convinced the time is right but I do know God will make it apparent. I never desire to willingly throw myself in the Shelter Poo Infested River so I know the nudging isn't from me. I will be faithful to pray knowing that sometimes God just desires us to be willing to walk in obedience. Frankly I'd much rather lap up the season of Spring.
Ch 26 -
Such an intense chapter. In verses 1-5 Jesus tells his disciples about his impending death. Afterwards he dines with his disciples at Simon the lepers house. A couple things stand out to me.
1. He's at Simon the Lepers house. Who are the Simon's in my life that I need to be engaged with? Who are the outcasts that society would deem unworthy that I need to be loving on? Who are the ones I would be embarrassed to be seen with or associated with?
2. Two times in this chapter the phrase "as he was reclining at the table" is used. How incredible to recline at a table with Jesus. This is such a beautiful picture and reminder that Jesus wants to be at the table with me all day long. He's not just wanting formal moments of praise and rigid prayer. He can handle it all.
3. The disciples reaction to the pouring of the jar of perfume is convicting. Jesus just told them that in two days he would be handed over to be crucified and they are concerned about the price of the perfume being poured on Jesus when it's an obvious sign of worship. What are the alabaster jars that I gasp at? Do I miss out on beauty focusing on the wrong things? I know I am guilty of this. It's easy for me to say I would never when it would never be a possibility for me. For instance "I would never own a house that cost that much". It's easy to wag the finger at somebody else when I'm not in the same situation. What alabaster jars do I wag my finger at?
4. I love this story. It's one of my favorites. It's so strange being able to resonate with the disciples while at the same time understanding where this woman is coming from as well. I pray to grow more like this precious woman who gave her all to Jesus without holding back in the least bit. It's only those who have fully tasted the fullness of God 's grace who can crack open those alabaster jars with full and utter abandon. I so long to be that kind of woman, the kind who pours it all out.
Verses 17-30 describes the last supper. I don't think my mind can fully grasp what's going on here in the same way I don't think the disciples fully understood either. It was completely okay with Jesus for them to not fully get it yet either because He knew what was to come of this group of ragamuffin men. I need to remember this of myself and of others. We are not complete but rather our stories are being written daily. There will be times when the breaking of the bread happens before our eyes before we are able to fully comprehend. That's okay because once again the story is not complete and Jesus knows the whole picture. So very thankful that He does!
Verses 31-35 is when Jesus talks to Peter about how he will deny Jesus 3 times. These verses are so painful to me. I know I can be as prideful as Peter confident and assured that I would stand by Christ no matter what the cost. Yet I know that out of my own strength I would be a deserter just like Peter. I've denied Christ for less threat than death.
Verses 36-46 is the account of Gethsemane. Again just a heartbreaking series of verses. Jesus in agony asks his disciples to keep watch and pray and yet even now before any real threat occurs the flesh is so strong. A couple things stood out.
1. Who have I failed to keep watch and pray with? Who have I fallen asleep in? I fear it occurs more often than I'd like to admit and repeatedly.
2. This verse cuts me to the core.
"Watch and pray so that you will not fall into temptation. The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak." (Matthew 26:41 NIV)
The spirit is willing but the flesh is weak. Thank you Jesus for your most precious grace and understanding.
3. Jesus asks three times if the cup set before him could be taken away but not as his will be done but rather the father's. May my prayers reflect more of this humble attitude and willingness to submit to God's will. Most often I rage and wail and beg God to just take away the pain. My pleads for help me are equal to nothing more than God make this pain stop. May my pleads be more of asking God not to end the pain but rather ask Him to walk with me in it.
Verses 47-56 is the account of Jesus arrest. In the midst of the chaos Jesus takes the time to heal a soldiers ear. I'm always taken aback by the humility that Jesus showed through out His life here on earth. He doesn't battle for our affection or for our admiration. God doesn't need us to bow down to Him to make Him feel better. He is God and that's it. You can take it or leave it but either way justice will be paid in full. Thankful that Jesus paid my penalty.
Verses 57-68 is when Jesus is brought before the Sanhedrin. Oh how this makes my heart ache. Again Jesus stands in total humility before the hands of sinners as they spit and mock Him. This always brings me to tears as I know I too have hit, mocked and spat in the very face of Christ. Yet He lovingly pursued me regardless. While dying on the cross He asked His Father to forgive me for I did not know what I was doing. This is why I ache that my flesh is so very weak. Yet I rejoice and boast that anything I do gain is by the very strength and very grace of Christ. I am the weak one yet He is so very strong.
This is just a short over view of just parts of this chapter. Going to end here so I can read on and sit in the rest of all of this. Love this time of year to take the time to truly dwell on what it cost my dear precious Savior to die for me.
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Tuesday, March 26, 2013
Rough day with the boys. I'm so over fighting them on chores. At least today I am. Got screamed at and things thrown at me. This not uncommon but was weary of it today. I know these stubborn children are going to grow up beautifully strong but sometimes I do wish I had a brood of wonderfully compliant darlings. I wrangled one today several times doling out justice and it just felt like I was man handling the heck out of him. Felt incredibly defeated but ended up having a very sweet moment with him afterwards. The big one had to wait till dad got home. He's too strong and I'm too pregnant. Love these stubborn kids. Was great tonight to go over our day and list off the offenses yet still be able to look at them overcome by how incredible each of them are and tell them that regardless of their choices today that's the truth about who they are. Rough day but thankful for such a tangible reminder of sweet wonderful grace.
I read 12 again this morning and part of 13. I feel like things keep jumping around and I'm having a hard time figuring out what in the world is going on. Since my eyeball feels like its going to pop out of my head I think I'll just stick with 12.
Love this verse:
Surely God is my salvation; I will trust and not be afraid. The Lord, the Lord himself, is my strength and my defense; he has become my salvation." (Isaiah 12:2 NIV)
Such absolute beauty. Need to lean in more to The Lord being my strength. Oh beastly self reliance you peddle a cheap imitation of the real deal.
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Monday, March 25, 2013
Six sweet and beautiful verses. Will revisit tomorrow.
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Sunday, March 24, 2013
Today as I was in the shower I realized I slugged out much of the day. Overwhelmed by the massive mess and chaos and sheer exhaustion. Its the exhaustion that makes everything overwhelming. That's when I need to take a step back and ask God for grace and provision moment by moment. My self reliance blinds me from realizing that my Creator cares and wants to help if only I'd walk with Him and ask. As far as my stellar parenting today goes, every time I focus on their behavior rather than their hearts I'm left with a complete mess. I can't make them do anything that I say. I guess I could by sheer force but it wouldn't be long before they could use the same tactics back on me. That's not at all how I want our family to run. When I take the time to focus on cultivating their hearts I know that one day it will reap a big harvest.
This is quiet the chapter. It starts off prophesying about Jesus and how He will come out of the stump of Jesse. It talks about seven attributes that Jesus will have and how His belt and sash are righteousness and faithfulness. The following part of the chapter describe how the animal world will treat each other once Jesus comes back to reign. How all the Israelites who were disbursed will be once again gathered together. All of it is pretty awe inspiring. Really neat chapter. There is so much comfort in this chapter just remembering where our hope is truly found. It doesn't matter if everything goes to total pot. This life is but a vapor and we are not living for the temporal or our temporary comfort but rather for a joyous eternity.
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Saturday, March 23, 2013
So far just the three sick kiddos. I'm normally not one to call food poisoning especially when stomach bugs are a plenty but I'm suspicious. Generally we have one get sick and then 24-48 hrs later others start dropping like flies. Generally after a week it's run it's full course. All three within a six hour spread is weird and all three ate gravy at Golden Chick. The sickest one ate the most. Could be a coincidence but I don't know. My stomach has been funky for several days but I feel like its been funky off and on all pregnancy. I think I'm growing a seahorse.
The oldest one was nervous to do anything other than drink water this morning. We've gotten into this rut before where my sweet one fears eating and so she just gets sicker and sicker. Finally got some Gatorade in her and a little breakfast and she perked up a bit. Now that we know that we need to help her process through anxiety over being sick it's really helped. Don't think we'll have month long issues like we've had following an episode of sickness in the past. Very thankful for how God works and thankful for His wisdom and wonderful grace.
Been procrastinating a bit on this chapter. My brain is tired and doesn't want to process anything heavy. I just do the cliff notes version tonight. God uses Assyria to be an instrument of discipline to Israel. Assyria didn't attack Israel out of obedience to God but rather out of a prideful and sinful heart. God just used their deeds as He does everything for His glory. The Assyria's are boastful of their conquests and continue to put their trust in themselves and their false gods. Even though God allowed them victory over Israel the ultimate plan is to bring down Assyria. Again I'm faced with the message of how much God opposes the proud.
Israel is left with a remnant after its all said and done. Yet this remnant turns for their wicked ways and trust in themselves and mere mortals and renews their trust in The Lord. God tells them to not worry about the Assyrians and their current conditions that God would take care of them and eventually bring upon justice to the Assyrians. The remnant had to endure very difficult times but their faith grew as a result. Yet another reminder that their is beauty in difficulty. Fading fast.
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Friday, March 22, 2013
Today as my girl was in the thick of sickness and I was trying to catch all that was coming from the north end in a bowl I started gagging and had to slyly throw up in the sink so she wouldn't know. Normally I have a stomach like a tank but I'm so incredibly gaggy during pregnancy and this one especially. Even in the midst of it I couldn't help but laugh. Oh the wonderful joys of motherhood and lessons in humbly serving another child created in the very image of Christ. I had no idea all that would be involved in parenting and far more difficult than I ever imagined it would be. Its also far more amazing than I could have imagined. Parenting is one of the reasons why I'm learning that hardship and difficulty can actually be precious gifts from God.
A bit weary today over my sweet little one. I hate even admitting it but the fussiness and extra clinginess that extends into the night due to molars has been tiring. Last night instead of being weary I was just plain frustrated. I know its okay to be frustrated over repeatedly being awoken all night long but she's a baby and one that is in pain. Listening to her slumber as I write this and I'm thankful that God would use such a precious blessing to point out my deep rooted selfishness. Thankful for a Father who loves me enough to want to continually grow me and a Father who doesn't make me try to grow myself. Rather He walks with me during the process of changing me. If I let them, my weaknesses can be one of the very things that draws me most intimately to Christ. Only God could take something such as our weakness and turn it into something not only beautiful but into an immense blessing as well.
While snuggling sweet ones and nursing a cranky babe I had much time to get caught up on some thoughts on current events. I am heartbroken over the current condition of hearts in our nation. Grieved over today's youth and how little they have been led. In every facet today I saw what happens when people turn their hearts away from God, fail to stand up for truth and justice and walk in their own wisdom. My children will have to face a world that is morally bankrupt. I'm thankful that light only shines brighter as things grow darker. We are in desperate need of bright lights in this world. I pray that my family and I are blazing torches. Some may be dissuaded from having children when the future looks so incredibly bleak. It only spurs me on to have a herd God willing of passionate warriors for Christ. I pray that each of them are bold proclaimers of truth who uphold justice even when it comes at a cost who run after God will all their might.
Verses 1-7 are just the soothing balm I needed after a day wading in literal and preverbal vomit. Jesus is the light that will shine for all eternity. In this world all I'm guaranteed is that there will be suffering and darkness. I am so incredibly thankful that my hope does not rest on my circumstances but rather my hope is found in Christ alone. No matter how dark the night may become His light can never be snuffed out. Thankful for amazing grace, the precious gift of Jesus and knowledge that I get to be on the winning side.
The people walking in darkness have seen a great light; on those living in the land of deep darkness a light has dawned. You have enlarged the nation and increased their joy; they rejoice before you as people rejoice at the harvest, as warriors rejoice when dividing the plunder. (Isaiah 9:2, 3 NIV)
I once was a child of darkness stumbling around every which way. Thankful to now be a child of God, a child of light.
Verses 8-22 are just depressing. The Israelites are stubborn and in their great distress the still refuse to repent and call on the name of the Lord. They have chosen to go their own way and so God allows them to feel the full weight of their consequences. They chose to put their trust in men and they find out how foolish and fleeting putting their hope and in men ends up.
I can't read this without thinking about our stuff necked country. The news only confirms that we are reaping what we have sown. We don't need a war or threat of war to do us in we're already murdering our own offspring at massive rates and have turned out our own youth. We've broken up our own homes and neighbor is against neighbor. The outlook is bleak yet my hope only grows stronger. The remnant that will be left will walk with God in amazing ways. Hardship and difficulty results in some of the most beautiful things. Although heartbroken I rejoice that The Lord God reigns and He is and forever will be victorious! Praise Jesus this is not my home!
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Thursday, March 21, 2013
Good day at the Flight Museum with friends. Again overcome with gratitude for the homeschool community God has placed around me. Met a mom there that had 6 kids so of course I drooled all over her and asked a million questions while my offspring ran amuck. Love this crazy, wonderful, sanctifying crew.
Having a hard time focusing this evening. Heartburn is kicking and I can think about is tart and sweet frozen yogurt with sliced almonds and Rheagan Mullins fathers chicken salad. I'm a mess.
Not completely sure what's going on here but at the beginning of the chapter God gives Isaiah a name for his future son. I probably am completely clueless over the meaning of this verse yet I love it anyway.
Here am I, and the children the Lord has given me. We are signs and symbols in Israel from the Lord Almighty, who dwells on Mount Zion. (Isaiah 8:18 NIV)
I so want my kids to be a blessing not only to my family but to others around them. I pray that a passionate relationship with God would grow in their hearts and people who see something different about them. My hope is that people would see something different about our family.
Tonight I asked my kids several questions driving home this evening. I asked them what they thought was most important to my hubs and I and the two biggest answered God and them. For all the mistakes I make daily as a parent I'm thankful they still feel incredibly important to us. I know Les and I talk a lot about how important God is to us as well as how important they are to us. The challenge to to back up our speech with our actions. They may believe our words now but if our actions don't align with our words one day they will be old enough to figure it out. My hope is that one day they will be certain that God is number one above all else and that their Daddy comes next and then them. I desire for them to see that our family desires to serve others, love others, tell others about Jesus. Think this might be a good time for my hubs and I to sit together and pray and put into writing what core values we want our family to possess. Maybe its fine time our family crest and shield was made.
Funny writing about this while being frustrated that my exhausted children are still up. One little one is cranking and one sweet boy keeps asking me a million questions. His questions are so wonderfully random. Love how this kids mind works! Wish he could fully communicate all the wonderful things that are contained in his beautiful mind.
Hubs home and if I try to continue I'll only be forcing it. Will read commentary later to bring this to life.
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In my sadness and reflecting on some of the chatter that unfortunately came out of my mouth today I realize that I have high expectations for the church as a whole and for fellow believers. I know part of my problem is most definitely pride, part is unrealistic expectations of man and part is lack of grace. I know that my actions and choices can be disappointing to others as well. I still remember the first time I got a full glance of human nature on a church staff. I was so disappointed and disheartened. I don't know if I was seeking perfection or rather lives radically changed by the transformation of Christ. I don't even think struggle is disappointing but rather lack of dealing with obvious sin patterns or pursuit of living out a biblical life. I know these thoughts are coming out wrong and frankly are completely unfair. Maybe I just want more heros, more people to look up to and aspire to be.
Today I started off a conversation of a pretty well known gal in the holy huddle circuit which many people really dig. Not to be prideful in anyway but I get this girl because frankly I seem to be wired in similar ways. I do think some of her writing is great and spot on but there's part of her twitter life and trying to be cool factor that is so off putting to me. I know why its because its the same crap that's deep rooted in me. I want to be funny and I want to be cool with the tattoos and yada yada. I like her also want to be known for my passionate pursuit if Christ. I want to die so much to self that God's goodness shines through and others would be drawn to Him. I'm even willing to admit there probably is evil sin wrapped into that desire but I really really want people to know how crazy loved they are by God. I don't want to be married up with the things of this world and glorifying myself through humor and weakly attempting to be cool to do that. I'm so wrong to even think that this woman's comments, ect are motivated out if the same gross sinful desire that lives in my heart. I wish I could strangle and kill the past of me that desires the approval of man. I wish I could choke out the part of me that is so deeply rooted in pride. Its those fleshly things twist and distort the beauty and pure heart that God is creating in me. The beauty and the pure heart that God shapes and molds eventually wins but in the mean time its a constant battle.
Maybe my disappointment in this one gal is that I just want to see someone who can be funny without throwing others under the bus, that can be feisty and passionate yet possess meekness and a gentle spirit. Maybe I've seen more me's than I think. Maybe the fact that I don't recognize the me'ness is because of all the change to much more Christlikeness.
Wasn't expecting that ramble. This is one of the many reasons why I love this time. It makes me slow down and reflect on God and my heart. It amazing sometimes what pours out.
Okay so back to Isaiah 7. This again is not directly associated with the text but kinda. Through out Israel's time in the promise land there is constant war or threat of war. When the Israelites trust God and don't fear man they are successful even during times when the odds are so stacked against them. This made me think though that if the Israelites had just obeyed God and wiped out the pagans in the surrounding areas there would have been so much less strife. Yet even though Israel did not follow all of God's commands and the surrounding nations continually attacked as long as they were walking with Him He still helped them. God could have completely washed His hands of Israel and let them feel the full weight of their disobedience. They definitely felt some of the weight but God still helped them. This. This is the kind of parent I want to grow to be. I know I'm so far from it. Its not the model I was shown and so its still crazy foreign to me and hard to fully grasp. But I want my heart to fully get so that I can pass that kind of love, truth and grace on to my kids. I need this time desperately. I need this more than ice cream, or a fantastic margarita or a DDP or a FB escape or debate. This is what fills my heart completely and yet daily like a dog that returns to her own vomit I forget and return to the things that will always leave me longing for more. Help me not get daily amnesia. Help me to remember that I am desperate for your love, desperate to sit at your feet and soak up your very presence. I am so prone to wander God to leave you the very God I love and adore and am so thankful for. Help me to stop being the aloof wayward child and come running to you first.
Wednesday, March 20, 2013
Prophesy of Jesus in chapter. Brain too tired to fully grasp this and I know commentary will bring a new level of understanding. Sad my priorities were mixed up tonight resulting in mailing it in. I don't need to spend extended time in God's Word in order to be a good Christian rather I'm sad because I know the greatness that I missed out on.
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Tuesday, March 19, 2013
Today made me realize how incredibly ill equipped I am to share the gospel. Clueless on how to be winsome in a brief conversation at the park. "Oh cool" is not the appropriate response but neither is "oh by the way you belong to a cult group". Frankly I don't do well in brief encounters like that. I feel like if I'm given an obvious lead in or impressed to pray for and with a stranger I'm obedient. However, its in these brief encounters when there is no obvious lead in and I've got a brief amount of time that I'm left completely clueless. Oh to grow more to be like my daughter in these situations. My prayer is to grow to know how to respond faithfully in situations like this. I'm willing to share the gospel, tell my story, speak truth in love but I've much to learn.
The truth is the woman at the park today worn pain on her face. When she told me she belonged to the church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints I sensed hesitation. What I really wanted to tell her is that I was so sorry her husband died and that her being a Mormon didn't freak me out in the least bit even though I'm a Christian. Maybe the word choice "oh cool" wasn't the greatest but maybe my desire to want to just love on her wasn't so off base. Maybe sometimes the best way to share the gospel isn't by word but rather by deed. I pray for more opportunity with this woman. To understand her pain and to share my own and the great joy I've found by my savior and healer.
This chapter is pretty intense. So glad I read commentary on it because it made this chapter all the more richer. This chapter is set around the time King Uzziah died. For the most part Uzziah walked in the ways of The Lord but was taken out by a moment of pride at the very end. Isaiah is distraught over his dead and can't put the pieces together. Its then he's given the vision of God still on His throne. This picture is so incredibly beautiful to me. In the midst of chaos when we can't put the pieces of the puzzle together and nothing makes sense God is still on His throne. I find so much peace in this beautiful reminder of God's Sovereignty. In Isaiah's vision seraphim were flying around, each one with six wings. Two wings covered their face, two their feet and two they used to fly. Love the explanation of this in commentary that I never would have come up with on my own. God made these angels with six wings, four of which were used to express their humility and two in which were used in active service for God. I could serve God all day, everyday but if I'm not living out my day life in humility there's something seriously wrong. I would totally value the acts of serving God over growing and acting in humility. This reminds me of the passage where God talks about not desiring the sacrifices of His people but rather desires to have their hearts. Acts of service even for the sake of Lord done without a heart aligned with Him are dead deeds. I understand more and more why God opposes the proud. In my flesh I want to justify that I'm getting better and I'm not THAT prideful. That in itself is pride through and through. It must be destroyed and rooted out through and through. I feel like I've been getting some small lessons in humility. I'm thankful they haven't been crushing lessons but rather small reminders that all good things especially the good things that reside in me come from God and God alone.
Isaiah upon the sight of the throne of God is faced with a full on glance of his sinfulness. He is undone by it all that he can't even join in with the seraphim to proclaim "holy holy holy is The Lord God Almighty". I too think I'm going to come completely undone when faced with the reality of my fallen state in light of God's ultimate perfection. Its interesting to even now how a greater understanding of my sinfulness yet at the same time grasp the love God has for me even more. Thankful that for now I haven't been given the overwhelming picture of my depravity but rather a glimpse by glimpse look. Thankful that I serve a God who loves me sin and all yet loves me enough to continue to grow me to be more like Him.
In the next section God asks for somebody willing to do work for Him. Isaiah is willing and then God gives him a glimpse of what that job will look like. He is to preach passionately to a people who will hear but not understand. In commentary I read it described Isaiah's job to "preach the people to hell". ISAIAH asks how long he must do this and God answers till everything is desolated and only a remnant remains. This is the part that is so crazy intense. I'm so saddened by this. What road did God's people travel tat brought them to a place of such hard heartedness? I've been hard heartedly. Reading this reminds me that I too am capable of this degree of stiff neckedness if left up to my own devices. I'm the rebellious, hard hearted, stubborn one. I was too foolish to choose God on my own. He brought me to a place which left me completely undone. It was in this state of no other choice that I chose God. I'm so thankful that He has spent my entire life pursuing me.
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Monday, March 18, 2013
Wanted to write about something that happened last night to remind myself that perspective is everything. Last night after the service my amazing husband stayed after to talk with a kid on his team who is struggling. My husbands heart and his responses to situations like this is one of the many reasons why I admire the man I married. His empathy and compassion for others is seen by others and is a quality I see in my children that I adore. Instead of focusing on this in the situation I switched into self preservation mode. My irritation grew as time ticked by. Last night was a beautiful night. They had fires lit on the WM campus and my kids were thrilled with building their own "fires" and foraging in the great wilds of WM. It was a most beautiful night and great wonderful provision from God for this exact situation. Although in some ways my frustration could have been justified, who cares. I let frustration taint an adventure I could could have been on not only with my children but also with my husband. God is not concerned with whether or not I'm justified in feeling an emotion. God is concerned with MY heart and how I'm going to respond to situations that come my way. Am I going to respond with love extending grace and experiencing joy or am I going to be more concerned about self preservation. The truth about the situation that arose last night is that I was more concerned about my own self preservation than walking with Christ. I get to choose. Every single day, moment by moment I get to choose which path I'm going to take. I pray that as the years go by I choose to walk the path of godliness leaning into God for strength rather than choosing to walk my own path.
I wish my daily time in the word was met with eager anticipation. Often its not and sometimes I even groan at the thought. I am always blessed regardless of the attitude of my heart at the time I approach His Throne. Oh how I long for my heart to yearn and to thirst for His Word. I want to desire it more than I desire my next meal or even my next breath. I am thankful that this time in Isaiah has been like a choice treat, a fine meal or much anticipated show. I have approached it with much eager anticipation and for that I am thankful. This is not something that I could have ever cultivated myself. It is a gift from The Lord and I embrace the gift of His Words and the desire of my heart to read them.
Verses 1-7 break my heart. God compares Judah and Israel to a well cared for vineyard that has been given everything it needs to succeed only to yield bad fruit. Tonight while reading how God talked of destroying the protection and allowing His much loved and cherished vineyard become desolate my heart ached. I know the pain it must have caused Him to allow Israel and Judah to reap the consequences of their choices.
In the past I know I thought how could God do that? How could God stir Assyria and Babylon to come and demolish His people. His people got prideful. They forgot that the reason they had been so successful at keeping away their foes was because of God's strength. They were not anybody special but because God had chosen them they were. When they chose to turn their backs on God and go their own way God just gave them what they wanted. This is such a beautiful lesson for me in so many ways. I'm special because I am chosen by God not because of anything I've done myself. When I'm operating out of my own strength I'm completely sunk. This is why God hates my pride and has been on a journey with me to strip away my self reliance. Without Him I'm completely sunk. I was created for the sole purpose of glorifying Christ. If I'm not walking with Him I miss out on my mission in life and I get hurt in the process.
The chapter continues and its equally heartbreaking. It seems as if this could so be used as a warning to America as well. This verse rang so true to what is happening in our culture right now.
Woe to those who call evil good and good evil, who put darkness for light and light for darkness, who put bitter for sweet and sweet for bitter. (Isaiah 5:20 NIV)
There are so many hot button issues where this totally rings true. The tolerance gospel preaches tolerance of everything but the truth. My heart aches over the youth of today and the children who are growing up in this culture. They will flounder as they are not grounded in what is noble, true or good.
Woe to those who are wise in their own eyes and clever in their own sight. (Isaiah 5:21 NIV)
The first person I think of when I read this is me. I have a lot to learn in regards to humility. God's working on that pride but it is going to be a battle till death. The other people I think of is the staunch abortionists, über feminists, Richard Dawkins types, ect. They are so wise in their own eyes yet their chatter is utter foolishness.
Woe to those who are heroes at drinking wine and champions at mixing drinks, (Isaiah 5:22 NIV)
This was me. This is apart of my story. I had a legacy that surpassed me back in the day. It was not a legacy I am proud of now but probably would have been at the time. My glory days of reveling in booze left only carnage, wreckage and anxiety not only for me but for others around me. Thankful God plucked me out of the slimy pit.
The rest of the chapter just gets ugly. Its the chaos and Disaster we can expect living in a country that turns its back on God. If other countries don't devour us, surely we will end up devouring ourselves.
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Sunday, March 17, 2013
Missed opportunity this morning. Kids really wanted to play with me and although I did for awhile I know it wasn't long enough to fill tanks. B was cranky and wanted to bring some order to our leftover weekend chaos. Living in the tension of not missing out on what is truly important for the temporal but also needing to get the things that are temporal accomplished. Those dishes and the mess will be there day after day but those kids won't always be asking me to play with them. Oh to have such perspective after the fact. Doh!
Shelter meeting today. Interesting mix of emotion to be in a room full of some greats and yet loathe being lumped into the mix of it all. I think there is a component of holding onto abuse that can occur. I remember going through one semester and realizing that breaking free and walking in freedom was in some ways scarier than continuing to live in the fall out. The chaos caused by sexual abuse was at least something I knew and knew well. I will probably have to deal with residual fall out for the rest of my life. However, I refused to live in bondage just because it was comfortable. I set my old ragged comfortable ways and torched it. No way I'm ever looking back at the ashes. There's too much beauty set ahead of me.
Last night my beloved and i watched seven days in utopia. There's a part of me that would love small town living. The simplicity of it and getting land that my boys can tear up sounds incredible. The one thing that has kept me from begging my husband to move us out to small town Texas is the thought of missing out on having impact on our neighbors, neighborhood, ect. I guess if our family was a quarter of the size of the town we could have some incredible impact on an entire town verses a street. There is a part of me who also feels like I would be suffocated in a small town. Frankly it matters not what I want. I'm willing to be where ever God would have us and right now its right where we are. Tonight during worship the names of neighbors ran through my head. Oh how I long for them to one day sing with me. "How great is our God ".
Glad this one is short tonight even though I'm loving this book. My mind is off in a thousand directions.
Then the Lord will create over all of Mount Zion and over those who assemble there a cloud of smoke by day and a glow of flaming fire by night; over everything the glory will be a canopy. It will be a shelter and shade from the heat of the day, and a refuge and hiding place from the storm and rain. (Isaiah 4:5, 6 NIV)
Thankful that even now God is my Shelter, my safe place, the rock that I cling to. Zzzzzzzz
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Saturday, March 16, 2013
Pretty mellow today so this very well might be short. This chapter is depressing and it unfortunately reminds me of the US. I fear we will soon reap what we have sowed. I don't fear it in a worry sort of way but rather with a heavy heart. In fact, with the tide of our culture right now it would probably sadden me more if we were allowed to continue on in this state. The Lord disciplines those He loves. My heart grieves over the fallout that is going to occur from our post modernism. My heart grieves for children who are not discipled and shepherded in this crazy time. Father give me ample opportunity to pour into other kiddos. This is the one draw back of not public schooling my kids. I do trust that The Lord knows our hearts and will fill our home with not youth but adults that desperately need to hear the gospel message and be loved on like crazy.
As I write this I'm pained. The other day at the park their were a couple punk teenage boys smoking at the top of play equipment. The Momma in me jumped in and just yelled "hey guys don't smoke up there". Knuckleheads didnt need to be smoking with little kids present and frankly I have no idea what else they were up to. However, I could have used the call out as opportunity. They probably wouldn't have heeded a thing I said but I could have at least tried. Instead of the loving approach I went for the crotchety MeeMaw on the porch with a broom technique. Grace abounds and I know God is so gracious at offering second chances. Its just a reminder that I don't have eyes that see His children. When I really think about this its heartbreaking to me. I pray that the scans on my eyes would be removed. The pride that fills my heart would've replaced by true humility and love for others.
This chapter goes on to talk about the prideful women who have worked hard to rule the roost. I so see that desire in women in America. I'm just the pot calling the kettle black. I so drank the feminist waters when I was younger. Submission especially to a man was repulsive to me. Anything a man could do I could do better. Satan has used hurt to put men and women at odds against each other. The reversal in gender roles has reeked havoc. I'll admit I'm sure there is still feminist ideology rooted in my heart. If I had seen me years ago and had heard her views of family and roles of a woman I would have vomited and felt so sorry for the poor male controlled woman. Undealt with hurt causes a lifetime of hurt.
Heart heavy but going to try to switch gears and enjoy an in home date with my beloved.
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Friday, March 15, 2013
Slightly emotionally drained tonight from all the rooting and grounding. Older kid heart issues are so much different than small fry training. Our oldest is in the middle of questioning the existence of God. She's not throwing in the towel on God but she definitely thinks seven should be the magical age where she should be ruler and commander of her own life. Trusting and obeying God and her parents seems like such a difficult thing when she feels wise enough to conquer the world. Its my sin in full display. Then there's the other one so not wired like me other than his struggle with self control and anger. I see the struggle in these verses in my boy.
but on Cain and his offering he did not look with favor. So Cain was very angry, and his face was downcast. Then the Lord said to Cain, "Why are you angry? Why is your face downcast? If you do what is right, will you not be accepted? But if you do not do what is right, sin is crouching at your door; it desires to have you, but you must rule over it." (Genesis 4:5-7 NIV)
I can see the moments in him when sin desires to have him and he does not rule over it and it devours him. I don't think my boy is going to grow up following in the footsteps of Cain yet in moments when he allows sin to overtake him in jealousy towards his siblings God views it the same. What a blessing to have a first hand look at my children's strengths and weaknesses. Discipleship comes at a cost but its a beautiful process not just for my children but for me as well. So many personal lessons to be taught while teaching my kids. I can talk till I'm blue in the face but if I'm not living it out by my actions it matters not.
Thankful today to have a heart that desires to follow after Christ no matter what the cost. The desire is there and the hope is that good ole sanctification will make this heart of mine actually do it someday. With my daughter questioning God today I was grateful to have a faith I believe is worth dying for. We all question at times. I can understand why children of lukewarm believers walk away. There's nothing inspiring about that kind of faith.
Hole E Smokes. This chapter is crazy strong. It starts off describing what it will look like when the day of The Lord has arrived and is reigning in Jerusalem. Love this verse for this section.
Many peoples will come and say, "Come, let us go up to the mountain of the Lord, to the temple of the God of Jacob. He will teach us his ways, so that we may walk in his paths." The law will go out from Zion, the word of the Lord from Jerusalem. (Isaiah 2:3 NIV)
"He will teach us his ways, so that we may walk in his paths." I love that God doesn't physically have to be reigning in Jerusalem for Him to teach us His ways so that we may walk in His path. If we seek Him and His wisdom God freely gives. He lights our paths and I am ever so thankful that He does. The hard part for me in all this is to push past self reliance and self sufficiency which is so my natural bent. Its easier for me to seek guidance in the really big things but hard for me to seek guidance in the small things. Most of life is composed of the small things not the big things.
(Speaking of which day just got stranger. I feel so ill equipped for all of this. So thankful for The Lord.)
The chapter goes on to describe the current condition of Judah. Later Isaiah describes what its going to be like when God arrives to set up His reign. The words pride and humbled are repeated over and over in this part of the chapter.
The arrogance of man will be brought low and human pride humbled; the Lord alone will be exalted in that day, (Isaiah 2:17 NIV)
I think of all those who arrogantly thumb their noses at God and what its going to be like for them when they are face to face with Jesus. For me I can only imagine I will be willed with awe struck wonder and want to cower at how truly lowly I am compared to the majesty of Christ. I think it will be so overwhelming that it will produce fear yet at the same time so much joy at finally being fully completed by my reunion with my Father. There will be no joy for the arrogant on that day.
In my flesh I would so love to point at the arrogant people who disregard God. Yet I know pride is something I intimately know and understand. There is a daily rooting out that needs to occur. It's hard because there is such a fine line between being confident in who I am in Christ while not crossing over into the land of pride. It is so hard to walk the beautiful balance that Christ did. Some of Satan's best work is the distortion of the beauty that God created. This actually reminds me of a thought I had yesterday. I've spend most of my life trying to avoid and mask pain as much as I could. Yet often I see some of the most beautiful things arise out of pain. The best things in life are often incredibly difficult and at times painful. God's created world without sin existed without pain. It flips me upside down and over that I serve a God who can use such a thing as pain to produce much beauty. This is the very reason why self protecting comes straight from the pit.
I'm kinda lost in my rambling thoughts tonight as today was heavy in many regards as well as this chapter. I end with my favorite verse of the day.
Stop trusting in mere humans, who have but a breath in their nostrils. Why hold them in esteem? (Isaiah 2:22 NIV)
Now the trick is to not only walk in this but to walk boldly in it.
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Thursday, March 14, 2013
Good day overall. Hard to be really grumpy when weather is like this! Heard a beautiful heartbeat too which is always so amazing. Love how my kids are into it now to. Love our family and God's sweet blessing of each Brownie. My Lukeypotamus is beginning to enter the lover phase. I get why boy Mommas are quite content being the only gal around to get all the praise and affection of her man and little men. So thankful for two precious girls but I get it a little more now.
What an awesome start to a heavy book. I think I can understand God's sorrow over His children who have turned away so much more as a parent. Oh how He beckons us to Himself. I don't really have any amazing insight to this chapter. I'm so thankful for the gift of this today though. Oh what another beautiful reminder of how incredibly loved I am by my Father. He went to hell and back for me and loves me despite all that I've done or ever will do. He longs so desperately for us to walk with Him. He wants to be with us and He longs to keep us from heartache that comes from walking in disobedience.
Understanding this love more and the reason why God desires us to obey has helped so much as a parent. Often in my selfishness I'm more concerned about controlling than discipline but when Christ is in my focus its all about the heart. This is the the gist of this chapter too. God wants our hearts. He doesn't want a legion of box checkers and rule keepers. He wants us to respond to Him out of love. Even if we screw it up repeatedly He is so willing to wash away the scarlet stain of our sins. The love contained in this chapter is almost more than my heart can bear. It moves me to tears that God could love us like this. I pray I take hold of this knowledge daily. I pray that my passion and desire for The Lord would continue to grow so that nothing else on earth trumps my desire for Him. May my desire to please Him or serve Him never surpass my desire to love Him.
There's so many beautiful verses in this chapter that there is no way I could possibly just pick a few. Bless yourself today and read it in its entirety for yourself.
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Wednesday, March 13, 2013
Last chapter of Song of Sol. I feel like I should get a medal for hanging in there or a goat or something. Irritation of previous chapters has faded. Possibly because some of the language and culture references seem so strange that there's no room for irritation. Thankful for commentary or else the talk about the maiden wishing her lover was her brother and talk about a flat chested sister would have been a little much. Maybe one day I'll move past my own junk and I'll develop a rich palette for poetry. Thankful for a lighter book to prepare me for the depth of Isaiah.
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Tuesday, March 12, 2013
Stayed home today with my Brownies and tried to bring some kind of order to the chaos. Never get all that I desire to get done but for the most part had a good day with my kiddos. Having some issues with Abitude lately but hoping its lack of sleep. Odd years seem to be rougher years though. We'll see. Had a talk about why at seven we think its inappropriate for my girl to go out in public with make up on. This child is so amazing yet is going to give me a run for my money. So like me in many ways yet so incredibly different. Thankful for a great partner to raise her and a faithful and awesome God.
Go figure but this chapter is kinda hot. Thankful to not be irritated today. God is pretty sweet to have this book included in His Word to remind us what a gift sex can be. Its been so messed up and distorted in so many ways but we can still participate in a slice of Eden. God's goodness blows me away.
In commentary I read a quote that I'm going to mess up that I loved. The gist was that even in our height of awe and wonder and love for God His desire for us to be with Him and His love far exceeds what we could ever return. This shouldn't shock me at all and yet it does. He loves this stubborn, prideful, ragamuffin girl so much. He loved me even when I didn't love Him back and lived in full on rebellion. Who is this God that would shower me this kind of affection? He's the Almighty, Creator of the Universe and everything in it yet He would turn His affection towards me who can give Him nothing in return. Blown away. Heart full.
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Monday, March 11, 2013
The rest of the day was filled with the park and friends and ended with a girls night with friends I adore. I can not get over how many beautiful people God has placed in my life. Love the differing ideas and amazing hearts. So crazy blessed.
Will read commentary on this chapter tomorrow but this is the reason why this book is so hard to read:
Sixty queens there may be, and eighty concubines, and virgins beyond number; but my dove, my perfect one, is unique, the only daughter of her mother, the favorite of the one who bore her. The young women saw her and called her blessed; the queens and concubines praised her. (Song of Solomon 6:8, 9 NIV)
A sweet friend suggested that Sol's upbringing could have been the reason for his huge harem. Its possible. If anything he did see his dad struggle in this area. I wish he had learned that David's struggle only ended up in chaos and destruction for his family. Yet out of the chaos Sol was born. I can have compassion for Sol and understanding but it doesn't make this "Love Story" any less difficult to swallow.
There's a lot of repetition of verses in this chapter which I find interesting. I don't think I would have noticed if it hasn't been for Sol complimenting his bride with descriptions of goats. Curious to see what commentary has to say about that.
Two more days to sit in SOS. Isaiah has never looked so good.
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Sunday, March 10, 2013
Still not a fan of this book. I know its due to my own junk. I keep trying to get past the fact that Solomon wrote this but I can not. I read commentary and it only made me more jaded. I know there is much beauty in this book. I hate that my own crap is preventing me from absorbing the life changing marrow that these chapters contain. Oddly enough I have much hope that one day I will read this book and find much beauty and knowledge written on every line. Until then its a chore and a task. Regardless of how repulsed I am in my flesh I'm ever so thankful for a spirit yearning to keep plugging away at it to obtain the treasure with lies within.
I love how a beloved friend ends her quiet time everyday and I'm going to jump on the bandwagon because it is oh so good for the soul. Lord I thank you that every single one of your words are flawless. I thank you that you are so faithful to continue to grow and change me to be more like you. Thank you Father for the precious gift of today. Thank you for the sweet boy who greeted me with those words this morning "today is a gift". I thank you that today and every single day is just that, a gift.
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Saturday, March 09, 2013
Last night after my post I figured out why Song of Sol has been such a whip especially last night. One of the words I hated circling in Shelter was the word used. I had built up masks and facades in order to not feel that way and hold into an illusion of control. The truth is I've been used repeatedly and frankly that sucks. All I could think about while reading last night is how geeked up this girl is about Sol and it feels like she's just being used. Yes she's the prize of the hour but later she'll be shuffled off for one of his other 700 wives. Its just gross to me and I'm having a hard time getting past it. Dragging my feet tonight.
Might as well jump into the ick. My hope for this book is to see much beauty in it one day. The first time I really say down and studied Job I was so angry and it just seemed like a big pissing contest between God and Satan. The suffering seemed absolutely pointless. The second time I dived into Job I saw beauty. I saw how God ultimately used Job to comfort countless others in their suffering as well as draw Job to an even fuller understanding of Himself. Beauty did spring forth from Job's suffering. My hope is that my next go round in song of sol I'm not so incredibly repulsed.
b. Behold, you are fair, my love! Behold you are fair! The beloved began not with aggressive or selfish actions, but with tender and confidence building words to his maiden. She had previously doubted her beauty (Song of Solomon 1:5-6); yet he truthfully assured her (doubly so) that she was the most beautiful woman in the world to him.
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Friday, March 08, 2013
My mom and I got into a theological debate this afternoon. Didn't turn ugly by any means but we definitely approach life in different ways. I'm sure in some ways it wouldn't do me harm to slide away from the cynical. It's hard not to feel as if part of her view is due to denial. Revelations from God are all very emotional in nature. I'm not denying that's a way God speaks to her as I too often have gut feelings. However, I'm also aware that my heart can be deceitful and although how I feel is valid it can not be equated to truth. In the end our different views matter not. My view is definitely more doom and gloom yet I don't spend my days worrying about it. In my flesh I am repulsed by the idea of hardships yet I know how richly God can bless during times of pain. I want to know God like Stephen did. I want to be able to face any hardship even possible death and all the while praise God during it all. That kind of faith gets me fired up.
I'm trying to get something but I got nothing. I'm sure that says a lot.
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Thursday, March 07, 2013
This chapter is sweet and at the same time kinda repulsive like watching a couple with way too much PDA going on. Too tired and allergy ridden to read commentary tonight or view this through the lens of Christ and His bride the church. In the back of my mind I keep thinking of Sol and his huge harem of women. It taints this book for me. The young man says really sweet things but its not really sweet if he feels that way about others. I think as wives we want to be thought of as the only one who has captured our husbands affections. I want to be the only woman my husband desires. The words fall short to me in light of Sol and just seem gross.
In all this I can't help but struggle with feeling like the haggard, grumpy, frumpy, pizza faced, prunish, wife. I don't feel good most days and look like a zombie at least half the time. Hard to feel like "the lilly among thorns" especially when most everybody at WM is beautiful and flawless, oh and youthful. Enough complaining and self deprecating. If I didn't feel like a zombie I'd probably feel hot. Oddly enough now that my stomach looks like a deflated balloon sans child I feel pretty hot when pregnant :). Strange I know.
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Wednesday, March 06, 2013
My moms visit has been great so far. A failed attempt at bible study lead me back home to find four Brownies snuggled up and happy as clams with their Grammy. They are having so much fun with her here and its such a sweet blessing to watch. Miffed about cancelled bible study at first but God redeemed that time immensely. Again I was reminded sweetly that I don't have to be so strong. Sometimes I wonder what that is supposed to look like, not being so strong. Today God impressed on me that I'm not the one that needs to make myself holier. There is definitely a choice to be made often on whether or not to bow down to my flesh or to walk in the Spirit. This at times can feel like flat out war. However, when I look at the areas of my life that need growth I'm not the one who needs to work hard to fix it. Often hard work is involved but I'm called to be faithful and to strive to remain in Christ. I was never called to strive to become a better person, Christian, mother, wife, ect. We're all on a journey in which Christ is faithful to sanctify each and everyone of us. Each path looks different. I'm so thankful that our Father is so sweet to personalize each and every relationship He has with His children. None of His relationships are one size fits all. He is so good to us.
Today God impressed on me that I'm chosen by Him. For a long time I believe Jesus died on the cross for everybody's sins and I just happened to fall into the fray. When I realized Jesus actually died for me it began to change my idea of who God was and His love for me. I think at times I still try so hard to please Him out of my own strength. A lot has to do with knowing how much He loves me and out of that wanting to give God my all. However, there's a wounded abandoned little girl who is still trying to please her Father so that He will love her. I'm loved when I'm kicking against the goads and approach the throne in sheer disrespect. I am loved and chosen just because and no matter what I have done or will ever do I'm adored and cherished. Crazy.
Hard not to read this and be disgruntled. Solomon's marriage bed is so gross to me. Hard to get geeked up about this girl and her affections for Sol when he "loved" so many. I read commentary because I know how jaded my heart can be. Some suggest that this is an allegory of Christ and his love for the church. Will be interesting to read this book through that lens. Either way love how I'm reminded in this book that God meant marriage to be enjoyed by His sons and daughters. May I not get complacent and stuck in the marriage rut but rather find much in enjoyment with the gift if my husband both inside and out if the marriage bed. So thankful to be married to a man I enjoy to be around and have so much fun with. What a true blessing and treasure my husband is. Looking forward to reflecting on this in the upcoming days.
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Tuesday, March 05, 2013
Everything seemed to take ten million years just to accomplish one thing. Thankful for an extra set of hands today. Not much accomplished but we all managed to survive another 24 hours so I'll take that as a win!
Speak up for those who cannot speak for themselves,
for the rights of all who are destitute. Speak up and judge fairly; defend the rights of the poor and needy. (Proverbs 31:8, 9 NIV)
Tonight I can't help but ponder who I am supposed to be the voice for how to even go about that. How can I be a modern day Bonhoeffer or Wilberforce?
A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies. (Proverbs 31:10 NIV)
How fantastic to be considered a wife of noble character. I'm closer to this than I was when I first got married yet I know there is so much growth still left to do. So thankful for such an amazing gift of a man that I get to grow together with.
She opens her arms to the poor
and extends her hands to the needy. (Proverbs 31:20 NIV)
I think I can get so stuck on self and lost in my holy huddle that I forget about the needy right on my street. I know my life stage lends to much grace yet I don't want to use that as an excuse either. As the weather gets better and I bust out of winter troll mode I pray God opens my eyes to the need in our block and pray that we can share Christ and be answer to prayer.
She is clothed with strength and dignity;
she can laugh at the days to come. (Proverbs 31:25 NIV)
I love this verse. I know it can be a trap with the word strength but I know godly strength is beautiful. Self reliance on the other hand is foolish. How wonderful to get up with a joy filled heart willing to laugh at the days ahead regardless of the circumstances.
She speaks with wisdom,
and faithful instruction is on her tongue. (Proverbs 31:26 NIV)
Oh how I long for my speak to look like this as opposed to the loose lips and foolish jabbering that can so often escape my mouth. The only way to change this is to be constantly grounded in God's Word soaking up His wisdom.
Her children arise and call her blessed;
her husband also, and he praises her: (Proverbs 31:28 NIV)
Would love this to someday be the case.
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Monday, March 04, 2013
Ah the infamous proverbs 31 wife. Thanks to Holly I no longer feel much grief over this chapter. This supposedly was a list of characteristics taken from several women and was no just one super human woman. Whew! Couple things that really stood out.
-she does not eat the bread of idolness
-she works with eager hands
-she sets about her tasks vigorously
-her arms are strong for her tasks
I could learn a lot from this gal. The big word for me is eagerly. I want to attack my work eagerly be it loving my husband well, disciplining my kids for the 100th time that day, scrubbing poop out of undies, loading the dishwasher ect. I have so many reasons to give thanks. I pray I seek joy rather than grumbling and complaining.
Will hit the other awesome verses tomorrow. Pollen is eating off my face and its so very painful.
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Sunday, March 03, 2013
I asked a friend tonight about an adoption class and she had mentioned most adopted kiddos battle shame and guilt regardless of how great the adoption. Her words described exactly how I've felt most of my life. I'm sure a lot of this comes from abandonment issues with my dad. Throw in abuse and literally being told I was the reason for problems it makes sense guilt, shame and feelings of unworthiness have plagued me. I can definitely see how God has grown me in these areas but during times like this its very apparent there's more work left to be done than I'd like to admit.
Today I felt the deep chasm of much more work left. The compass that I thought had been put mostly back together seemed so smashed today. Unfortunately I got lost in the chaos of it all and it wasn't till later that I remembered my anchor and my rock. Lots of tears today. So thankful that I can say that. I fought so long and so hard against them that when I began to realize they were necessary for healing I'd forgotten how to just let go. The words "you don't have to be so strong" keep echoing in my head. I get it, I think but not sure practically what that looks like.
Missed worship this evening talking to someone which was slightly disheartening but by no means purposely. Enjoyed the sermon and found all the scientific facts that support the flood awe inspiring. The closing song had me wrecked. My heart is reeling from something that happened with one of my kiddos. Heart ache upon heart ache and honestly is the cause of my of my emotional turmoil the past couple of days. Tonight as the service closed out I was thankful that this is not the end of my story nor the end of my children's story. Do I long to protect them from a bruised heart more than I want them to passionately know Jesus? I think in some areas yes. Tonight however, once again I could feel the release of my tight fisted white knuckled grip. I want my children to know Jesus, to really know Him. If that means they have to experience pain to get to that point then so be it. As much as my flesh does not want to trust God in this, I do. I've seen how He has used heartache to draw me unto Himself. I feel as if the heartache has also served as huge barriers but its also part of the reason I understand this verse so well.
"Blessed are the poor in spirit,
for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. (Matthew 5:3 NIV)
I am so poor in spirit and had it not been for the path I was set on its very possible I never would have understood this. Whether I would have or not I trust that God loves my kids more than I do and He is Sovereign and does not make mistakes.
The first verse is almost hysterical to me right now. I love God's heart for me and His continual perfect timing.
The sayings of Agur son of Jakeh—an inspired utterance.
This man's utterance to Ithiel:
"I am weary, God,
but I can prevail. (Proverbs 30:1 NIV)
What's even more hysterical is that I read it wrong at first. "I am weary but God can prevail". Personally I'm more fond of the second version. Even in periods of weariness God can still prevail.
"Every word of God is flawless;
he is a shield to those who take refuge in him. (Proverbs 30:5 NIV)
When I flounder may I remember always who is my shield and my strength. No matter what troubles may come my God is still my God and He is my protector and my shield.
Keep falsehood and lies far from me;
give me neither poverty nor riches,
but give me only my daily bread. Otherwise, I may have too much and disown you
and say, 'Who is the Lord?'
Or I may become poor and steal,
and so dishonor the name of my God. (Proverbs 30:8, 9 NIV)
Chan quotes this and does a pretty sweet talk on it. This is where we live and I'll admit at times it is not my favorite. We have much room to grow in learning how to be better stewards of what The Lord has provided but I've seen time and time again how God has taken care of us right in this place. Thankful.
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Saturday, March 02, 2013
I'm so tired. Hit my wall kinda tired. Cry my eyeballs out tired. I feel like I've been run over by a truck and all I want to do is hibernate for a straight week. Yet i know sleep will once again be crazy interrupted by precious kids most particularly by a sweet stuffed up cranky baby who is also cutting teeth. There's no end in sight to being able to curl up for days in bed either. Sunday is coming and the next day my mom is. So much to do to pull things together for her visit. The visit itself is causing stress. No clue what to feed her while she's here. I'm still stuck in spaghetti and stouffers lasagna land. My brain just won't work to come up with one single thing I could feed her. I realize its March and yet I've failed to come up with a Christmas gift. My stress and guilt over feeling like the crappiest daughter points to the brokenness that I still must have in our relationship. I want her to know that I love her yet the ways that show her I'm so horrible at. I think I was shorted on the thoughtfulness gene. I know a lot has to do with life stage right now. I'm too tired to be thoughtful and have way too many kids. That sounds so lame though. I just want it to be okay that I don't know how to plan meals around my mom much less feed my family most nights. I want it to be okay that my house is an absolute wreck and that if there's not a room or space carved out for my mom its okay and doesn't mean I don't care. I wish I could get thoughtful gifts and presents put together for special holidays, birthdays ect but even if I can't that it's okay and not taken personally. I'm quite the mess and I just want that to be enough.
Two soccer games today which I loved. I was cold, tired and miserable but I loved watching my kids push themselves. Doubtful any of them will be grand athletes but their personal achievements today made my heart beam with pride. Love these kids.
On another note besides mom stress heartbroken over another "situation" that happened in my house. Glad my child wasn't the instigator but still crazy sick over how much of a willing partner. I'm sure there is some broken thinking in this so not communicating it to the kiddo. Plagued with two thoughts and I know neither are truth. It feels like my kids are doomed because of some generational bullshit that was passed to me. Its like I have a black cloud following me and my poor precious kids are doomed to suffer because of it. That feels almost unbearable to me.
To add to the fun I've been a mean grumpy beast to my husband and my children. I want to curl into a ball cry and eat some worms.
On a totally different note despite my dysfunction and painful transpiring of the day had the sweetest texts and notes from sweet friends and my hubs. Feel very loved and thankful my hubs who endured meanness joyfully, my precious brownies and such a wonderful blessing of friends. Even though I feel like I'm throwing a massive fit I feel so incredibly loved by God as well. He's pleased with me when I'm enduring with joy and gratitude and when I'm complaining and whining about feeling crummy.
Checking the box kinda. So exhausted.
When the wicked thrive, so does sin,
but the righteous will see their downfall. (Proverbs 29:16 NIV)
This stood out toe tonight. Even when it appears that sin and wickedness reign the righteous will eventually see the downfall of the wicked.
So much more great stuff in this chapter maybe tomorrow.
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Friday, March 01, 2013
I'm sure I could continue to ramble on about my day but I'm tired and my brain once again is resembling silly putty right now.
Ah, wanted to write something about Paul that struck me today during the Nest. Will elaborate tomorrow.
Feeling loopy tonight. Need to eat and my brain is on fire from the lyrics to Hot Cheetos and Takis looping over and over and over again in my head. This will be interesting.
I don't know exactly why but read this verse and couldn't help but think of those who are staunchly entrenched in the culture of death in our country:
The bloodthirsty hate a person of integrity
and seek to kill the upright. (Proverbs 29:10 NIV)
No deep thoughts on it or anything for that matter tonight but it does make my heartache. I know not everybody who is pro-abortion is truly blood thirsty. Many are just deceived. However, there is a group who indeed are blood thirsty and they would love to eat the righteous for lunch as well as kill as many babies as possible. Makes my blood boil and my heart want to weep.
Just got up to eat and I feel sick. Keep trying to push through but oh how I could use some good ole fashion slob time. Did sit down a lot this afternoon. Felt lazy but was so thankful for a fussy Bella as an excuse.
Fools give full vent to their rage,
but the wise bring calm in the end. (Proverbs 29:11 NIV)
Today at the Nest and again with this verse I'm reminded I need to continue to let God in to the areas of my life that still harbor anger. Wish I could crush it out completely. It has been a slow process but thankful The Lord is so faithful!
Only half way through. Great verses on discipline. Will revisit tomorrow. Need to spend some time with my man!
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