Monday, September 30, 2013

DAY 1144: LAMENTATIONS 2

Today was quite the day. It should have felt like a total whip but it didn't. Pretty sure that has everything to do with praying about dying to self and my own agenda today. Coffee didn't hurt. One point in the day I felt like I was in a scene from Lord of the Flies. I was holding two screaming girls, trying to console a big girl beginning to feel ill while watching a boy put poop in the potty. Most days that would make me want to cry but by God's grace I was overcome with gratitude. Maybe at some point in the chaos of offspring running amuck one becomes fully broken and surrendered to whatever may come. I sure hope so because I would love to just embrace it all and be unphased by whatever chaos that may occur. Surely this is the explanation for Michelle Duggars laid back state.

Heart heavy for a sweet friend who pierced the darkness last night. She got a load of crappy news today. The timing of it makes me want to scream yet I know there are no accidents in this world. It's painful yet I know in that pain God desires to bring forth redemption and beauty. Beauty for ashes.

Lilly has been a sweet bucket of fuss today. Poor thing just couldn't settle in. When I finally got her to give it up and fall asleep in the sling she woke up to one of her scariest fits yet. She had another one like it in the hospital and its the one time I hit the call button like mad. Strangely enough I stayed rather calm while I chanted "breath baby". Glad I was able to stay calm because as my oldest looked at her baby sister she started to cry and get frantic. That's all we needed was two frantic Brown Girls. Today's fit is confusing. The past couple nights I've been up more with Lilly struggling more to breath because of congestion. Overall though I think her coughing has been getting better but now it's hard not to go back to second guessing everything. Blah! To add some more fun to the mix my sweet girl who shed tears over her sister today is now rocking a pretty nice fever. More opportunity to die to self and my agenda.

LAM 2:
This chapter is crazy painful to read.

This verse reminds me so much of how watered down so many churches have become. They embrace sin and the concept of tolerance has trumped truth and love.
The visions of your prophets were false and worthless; they did not expose your sin to ward off your captivity. The prophecies they gave you were false and misleading. (Lamentations 2:14 NIV)

By the rest of this chapter if we don't turn things around and repent we are headed for a world of hurt.

My eyes fail from weeping, I am in torment within; my heart is poured out on the ground because my people are destroyed, because children and infants faint in the streets of the city. (Lamentations 2:11 NIV)

Oy! Please turn the hearts of this people!

He has laid waste his dwelling like a garden; he has destroyed his place of meeting. The Lord has made Zion forget her appointed festivals and her Sabbaths; in his fierce anger he has spurned both king and priest. (Lamentations 2:6 NIV)

"The Lord has made Zion forget her appointed festivals and her Sabbaths;"
The concept of rest and Sabbath once again on my radar. We have forgotten what Sabbath is about. Busyness steals life.

The fact that God gave the Israelites certain festivals to observe just again points out His goodness. His wants His people to remember His goodness. He desired for His people to break from the busyness of life to break bread and celebrate. May BrownTown be marked by celebrations of God's goodness and may we always have an open door inviting others to share in the joy.

D

Saturday, September 28, 2013

DAY 1142: JER 52

My head is on my pillow and I feel like I could fall out any second. Good to get a date with my smokin hot man! I will be honest i wasn't in the best mood right before we left. I was tired and ready for bed, I feel postpartum dumpy and Aunt Flo wasn't helping. Frustrated that stupid Flo showed up so early. After the stress of the last couple weeks it was much needed. Came home to a clean kitchen. Thankful for sweet friends who are not only willing to watch our kiddos but who also help clean our house.

JER 52:
This is an account of when the Babylonians take over Israel. Nothing leaped out at me tonight probably because I'm so sleepy.

It is sad that Israel's pride and disobedience lead them to this place. God warned his people over and over yet they would not listen or humble their hearts.

D

Friday, September 27, 2013

DAY 1141: JER 51

So don't want to do this today. I'm tired and I'd much rather pull out the Ben and Jerry's and check out.

Baby Lilly is getting better. Seeing the color blue less and less and the fear of waking up to a baby who has stopped breathing is gone. Coughing didn't start till 3am last night so I actually got four uninterrupted hours of sleep in a row! I felt like Mrs. Universe today! Pertussis getting better but reflux(?) getting worse. I should probably try the elimination diet but that seems pretty overwhelming right now.

A caravan of love showed up at our house this afternoon. Three sweet friends came bearing supplies from Costco, breakfast and dinner. Crazy overwhelmed by how people have rallied around us and loved us like crazy. We are so insanely blessed!

Two of my friends were talking about the new public school ministry getting started up. I'm fired up about it. I think I'm just fired up in general about families and equipping them to help raise warriors. I'm so disheartened at what our children will be faced with at such early ages. When I hear stuff about the vulture our kids will grow up in I always think about the passages where the Israelites began to sacrifice their own children to the god Molech. We are just as guilty as a nation and the children we haven't physically sacrificed or being spiritually and emotionally sacrificed. I'm not fearful but my heart grieves for children today.

Today after the love parade I again dreamed of sending my kids to school. I'm sure it would be fantastic the first several weeks but eventually I'm sure I'd miss my stinkpots. I truly feel for now we are walking in obedience by keeping our kiddos home. I'm sure it has a lot more to do with me than even them. Good ole sanctification! I do really enjoy teaching my kids for the most part. The daily battles we experience due to all of our sinful natures, although tiresome, is something of great beauty. Thankful for the clinging and clanking that helps us to become more like Christ.

JeR 51:
This chapter is long and heavy and I had to prop my eyes open with sticks towards the end. The message is loud and clear The Lord is mighty and Babylon is toast. I can't help but read about Babylon and think of our own country.

Babylon was a gold cup in the Lord 's hand; she made the whole earth drunk. The nations drank her wine; therefore they have now gone mad. You who live by many waters and are rich in treasures, your end has come, the time for you to be destroyed. (Jeremiah 51:7, 13 NIV)

Lots of great verses about the sheer might of The Lord. So great to remember this!!!

Zzzzzzzz

D

Thursday, September 26, 2013

DAY 1140: JER 50

This will be quick. Need to get in bed to help keep away the crazies.

Good day spent with sweet friends and extra hands. I've been out of the house all day. Being out and about with help seemed much more doable than being at home on top of each other in the chaos. I can't live here and next week I need to try to get us back into a groove but thankful for time at the park, WM and Chicken Play today. My heart full from great friends and rich conversations.

JER 50:
This chapter is about the destruction that will fall upon Babylon. It's crazy how God is willing to use the ungodly to bring repentance to His chosen ones. In the end though even when it seems like the wicked prevail God will bring about justice. How He uses everything big and small to accomplish His purposes is amazing.

These verses are my favorite from this chapter:
This is what the Lord Almighty says: "The people of Israel are oppressed, and the people of Judah as well. All their captors hold them fast, refusing to let them go. Yet their Redeemer is strong; the Lord Almighty is his name. He will vigorously defend their cause so that he may bring rest to their land, but unrest to those who live in Babylon. (Jeremiah 50:33, 34 NIV)

There will be periods of suck or rather rough in this life but The Lord Almighty is strong and vigorously defend those He loves and bring them rest. Thankful for a mighty and strong God!!

D

Wednesday, September 25, 2013

DAY 1139: JER 48

We are in a season of suck or maybe a season if rough right now. Kids out of sorts from everything that went on the past week and everybody is exhausted and emotionally spent. I'm still having crazy coughing fits and Lilly for sure is. I will never look at the color blue the same way. Took Lilly in for a follow up and the nurse and dr so thankful she is doing ok. Felt validated when the nurse said she had looked over the report from the hospital and how terrifying it

Tuesday, September 24, 2013

DAY 1138: psalm 91

So much to process but so weary right now. I have felt every emotion under the sun in the past 24 hrs. Of course the bluish hue around Lilly's lips that was there all day off and on now feels like more than I can bear. I know that's dramatic but I'm exhausted and I'm weary of this guessing game. My adrenal glands are going to be shot by the time this is all over. I will say this, it felt good to not feel alone last night in everything. It was so nice to have someone else help shoulder the weight of the pertussis beast. Maybe that's what Jesus meant in these verses:

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." (Matthew 11:28-30 NIV)

For so long I just wanted God to take away any emotions I deemed as bad. God doesn't just take away the yuck but He's willing to walk with us in it. When I walk with Him there are periods of rest and great peace. A sweet friend sent me Psalm 91. It's a historical spiritual warfare Psalm. Fear and anxiety are just that, spiritual warfare. Satan hisses and feeds us lies.

So exhausted that I truly can't think straight. Les and I were going to take shifts staying up with Lilly. In the sleep deprived state both of us are in I just don't see that as wisdom. Praying that even if we fall into the deepest of exhausted sleeps He will rouse us if need be. I do believe God is Sovereign so now is the time to rest in it. I either entrust my children to The Lord or I don't. Time to release the white knuckled grip. I'm sure ill try to grab back the control time and time again but every time I let go its a victory.

Ending with bullet points.

-MS is no longer in the picture. God answered our prayers about clarity. Will unpack later.

-thankful for a beautiful day at the park with a most dear friend who fed us and ran after my kids so I could sit my tired booty on a park bench and enjoy God's creation.

- thankful for running into one of my awesome neighbors. Got to chat a bit about throwing in together to love on the people on our street. Looking forward to spending more consistent time with her and seeing what God does.

- thankful for community official and unofficial, living on my street or other cities who will answer my questions, send scripture at the perfect time, offer to help and understand where I'm coming from. This is a treasured gift!

Thankful for a God who is mighty to save and that the past 1138 days in the Word has yet to return void even on days my brain is misfiring.

D

Monday, September 23, 2013

DAY 1137: Ps 40

Home!!!!! As thankful as I was to walk out of the hospital I was even more thankful to be walking through our door with our sweet Lilly. I am all kinds of exhausted though.

Although excited to be home I've grown dependent on the beeping and buzzing of monitors. I've placed my security in the monitor. I prayed that they would not let us go until it was the perfect time. They were off a little on Lilly's last episode and I failed to mention the three times her stats dropped early evening. I was just so excited that overnight she did awesome! It was proof that the beast had already peaked.

I've realized in all this that I struggle with believing the lie that I'm going to mess everything up. I am going to mess up but regardless God is Sovereign.

Hmm... This is leading me to open wounds from childhood. I forget how awful the words that were spoken in my house growing up. I became completely desensitized to them over the years yet they still left bruises on my heart. When I stop and think about some of the words said I can't believe anyone would say that to a child much less anyone.

Didn't mean to go there and I still have lots and lots of churn but exhaustion has taken over.

I read Ps 40 this morning. It was a sweet melody to my soul this morning.

Many, Lord my God, are the wonders you have done, the things you planned for us. None can compare with you; were I to speak and tell of your deeds, they would be too many to declare. (Psalm 40:5 NIV)

D

Sunday, September 22, 2013

DAY 1136: Gen 4

Just got done smooching on my kiddos. So good to see them but so painful to say bye.

Today I'm thankful for the provision of catching up with a cherished friend, coffee, a fun loving bunch my kids love who have so graciously watched our kids repeatedly, friends who organize meals and extended time with Les. Really needed that time with my hubs. Thankful for the texts, coffee drops, emails and acts of service that has surrounded us. We are so blessed!

Even with all the beauty in the midst of everything I'm over this experience and my tone is gradually starting to change. That's not a bad thing and its another opportunity for God to strip things away so that I have no strength left apart from Him. I wish learning how to draw my dependence on Him wasn't so painful. Last night as Lilly struggled I prayed desperately for Him to make her rest peacefully. Now in my weariness, loneliness and sadness I have an opportunity to lean in and take His yoke upon me. Thankful that He is willing to carry this load with me and the people He has surrounded us with to be the literal hands and feet of Christ.

GEN 4:
Really want to dive into this but need to take the quiet opportunity to sleep.

God is good all the time.

D

Saturday, September 21, 2013

DAY 1135: JER 48

Feeling discouraged this morning. The weight of all this is getting heavier as the initial shock of it has worn off. She's getting worse. It's really been one step forward and two steps back. Nursing is now triggering coughing fits and she's not eating as well. Going to talk to the nurse practitioner this morning and see if trying to bottle feed her or at least supplement her nursing with a bottle after she has nursed will help her keep her strength up.

Yesterday evening she had the scariest coughing fit yet. I want to punch Pertussis in the face!

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Crazy how much a day change. Just had a sweet friend visit and now my brain feels overloaded. I'm sure it has nothing to do with lots of night of crazy interrupted sleep. Time for bullet points.

- late morning nursing got better. In fact, Lilly has had a pretty stellar day. She did have one fit that started with just a bit of coughing but ended with a lot of no breathing that scared me. First time I've completely freaked and hit the nurse call button.

- she had a round of coughing fits later for a good 30 minutes but feel comfortable with them. It's funny it's those kind of coughs that brought us into the ER

-stinker just stopped breathing. Oy! I can deal with the coughing fits better than when she makes a little squeak and then won't take a breath. Those are the ones I will fear when back home. #nevergoingtosleepagain

- was weary weary weary this morning and they moved us. Bigger room with a big window. Just what I needed to lift my spirits. Sweet provision

- heard hard stuff tonight. Again great for perspective. It stinks being in the hospital and to watch your kid struggle to breath. I don't want to minimize that and live in a false reality where unicorns poop rainbows. However, I do think choosing joy instead of wallowing in poor me is much better. Balance. Always goes back to balance.

-exciting news from a friend. Love God's timing and how perfectly He knows us!

- thankful for prayers, sweet vistors, cookies from a friend in Austin and the brave people who have been willing to watch our kiddos.

- hubs came over to my new home tonight. It's been kinda awkward lately. It's like this when we are out of town from each other. In order to self protect and not go crazy from missing my BFF I distance myself, wall up and go into self reliance mode. Looking forward to getting back to normal!

Genesis 3:
Now the serpent was more crafty than any of the wild animals the Lord God had made. He said to the woman, "Did God really say, 'You must not eat from any tree in the garden'?" (Genesis 3:1 NIV)

Oh Satan's slight twisting of God's words. He always causes us to doubt God's goodness.

but God did say, 'You must not eat fruit from the tree that is in the middle of the garden, and you must not touch it, or you will die.' " (Genesis 3:3 NIV)

Even in the garden we began adding to the commands God gave. We create our own standard of righteousness.

When the woman saw that the fruit of the tree was good for food and pleasing to the eye, and also desirable for gaining wisdom, she took some and ate it. She also gave some to her husband, who was with her, and he ate it. (Genesis 3:6 NIV)

-this verse is interesting because it hits on areas we can struggle with

Good for food - we often worry about whether our needs will be met or not. Money is a huge stressor and a trap.

Pleasing to the eye - we do love things that make us feel good. Be it the chocolate cake I just ate as comfort food, alcohol, porn, whatever we seek out things that will tantalize our senses instead of using our senses to experience God more fully.

Desirable for gaining wisdom - our constant quest to find our identity outside of God

Then the eyes of both of them were opened, and they realized they were naked; so they sewed fig leaves together and made coverings for themselves. (Genesis 3:7 NIV)

- here enters shame. Oh how much I hate that!!

But the Lord God called to the man, "Where are you?" (Genesis 3:9 NIV)

God knew where they were but called out to them any way. God always wants to enter into the conversation to draw us into deep relationship with Him. I miss out on this every day. I go back to the garden and pluck off a nice juicy piece of chocolate cake or whatever. Sara hisses at me and I believe that my issues or thoughts and feelings aren't all that important to the God of the universe. Yet everyday He asks me where I am. God has been so present with me through this stay in the hospital. So thankful for his presence!

To the woman he said, "I will make your pains in childbearing very severe; with painful labor you will give birth to children. Your desire will be for your husband, and he will rule over you." (Genesis 3:16 NIV)

It's interesting to me that Adam is passive during the fruit eating and part of the curse will be women trying to be the leaders and usurp the mans role. Passivity and women trying to vie for control has lead to crazy chaos.

To Adam he said, "Because you listened to your wife and ate fruit from the tree about which I commanded you, 'You must not eat from it,' "Cursed is the ground because of you; through painful toil you will eat food from it all the days of your life. (Genesis 3:17 NIV)

Wonder if this is the reason why so many people struggle to find a job that fulfills them or that they are passionate about. Part of the deal from the fall is the toil of work.

D

Friday, September 20, 2013

DAY 1135: JER 47

Feeling cuckoo bird right now. Up with Lilly most of the night. Can't tell you if last night was better or worse. Had a rockstar nurse on Weds and last night it was me attending to Lilly. I don't know if me patting her, moving her in new positions ect is what helped get her stats back up either. I say all that because they are on the fence about whether or not we should go. This happened Weds and that night I would have been freaked out if we had been at home. My freak out factor has waned. It's not that her harder coughing fits no longer stink it just has become what it is. I don't know if that's acceptance or rather the shock of it all wears off and you just become more desensitized to it all. Maybe this is how parents of really ill kids do it. You have to accept reality as it is not as it was. As it was, doesn't get you through the days.

Last night as I was talking to my beloved about all of this craziness and the MS craziness and trying to figure it all out Proverbs 3:5 struck me.

Trust in The Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.

Right now with MS I feel like we are walking in obedience seeing it all the way through even when at times we both want to throw our hands up in the air and say we are done. We can sit and drive ourselves crazy trying to look at every little thing and try to analyze its meaning. I don't get the timing of all of it or how it's played out or why we haven't had the lightening bolt from the sky. This whole time God has been trying to say you don't have to have it all figured out. Stop looking at your circumstances and look at me. Don't lean on your own understanding but rather remain in me.

In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will keep your paths straight.

It's when we don't acknowledge Him and operate in isolation that we make wrong choices and decisions. God is good. If we are seeking Him and desiring to be obedient He's not going to be cruel and make us read tea leaves and not give us wisdom and guidance. In all this God is teaching me He wants me to rely on Him not a gut feeling. I needed the gut feeling and the lightening bolt early on in our relationship because I wasn't in a place where I could or would have been willing to truly walk step by step with God. Yet He still honored my desire to follow Him and lead me in a way that would prosper me best at the time.

The same thing goes with Lilly. Right now she is resting ever so peacefully on my chest. I could try to look at the tea leaves and lean on my own understanding and let the fear of what if drive me. I've been praying for wisdom for drs and that they would be lead to the right decisions for Lilly regarding the right time to go home. I'll trust in the decisions that they make because I believe God answers prayers. When we are home I might never sleep again but I will try not to walk in fear. If Lilly has an episode and needs our help to move her or stroke her to get that breath to come in and we are all comatose I'm going to trust that God new that and allowed it anyway. Learning to walk the faith vs folly and wisdom vs control line is not easy yet I think I'm beginning to understand the balance a bit more.

I'm so thankful my time in Jeremiah has prepared my heart for such a time as this. His sweetness never ceases to amaze me. Thankful for this season where I get to learn to lean on my understanding less and walk with Him.

JER 47:
Need to chew on this short chapter a bit more but hoping to grab a nap.

D

Thursday, September 19, 2013

DAY 1134: JER 46

Lilly had a rougher night last night. Coughing fits getting more frequent and a bit more intense. Thankfully her congestion overall is improving and still not needing any additional intervention. Hopefully this is just the whooping cough peaking and it won't get much worse.

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Sweet time with friends this morning and evening. Encouraged by one friend really working hard on her stuff. I know it's hard but she is racing towards such beauty. Another friends obedience has spurred me on so much the past couple days too. Great encouragement and gives of sweet friendship offering to help in so many ways even by ministering by their words. I'd be a wreck I think if it wasn't for the sweetness in all of this.

Definitely feeling more weary tonight. I think in some ways I've been in this weird alternative universe not really dealing with reality around me. Took my bigs to lunch today and my alternative universe bubble popped. Recognized how truly tired I am and the weight of being so torn in wanting to be in two places at once. I didn't want to leave my babies yet I couldn't wait to get back to Lilly. This sit around and wait is old. Really ready to be back together as a family and out of the hospital and yet terrified to be at home without the assurance of help if she's still struggling and gasping for a breath of air. When shes doing well she does really well. It's in those moments I'm itching to pack up and go home. When she has periods of time when its one fit after another and then cries a sad cry it feels crazy to want to leave. Praying we will get the green light to go home when the time is right and that I'll rest in confidence assurance of His provision and not walk in fear.

JER 46:
Read this a couple of times and I know I should really investigate this chapter but I'm not, at least not tonight.

This chapter is about how God is going to bring justice upon Egypt and the Jews who are living there. This verse stuck out to me the most:

Do not be afraid, Jacob my servant, for I am with you," declares the Lord. "Though I completely destroy all the nations among which I scatter you, I will not completely destroy you. I will discipline you but only in due measure; I will not let you go entirely unpunished." (Jeremiah 46:28 NIV)

I really want to dive into and ponder thoughts on God punishing us but I just can not. Maybe tomorrow when my brain is more fresh. I do love the do not be afraid for I am with you.

D

Wednesday, September 18, 2013

DAY 1133: JER 45

Tried to start this earlier and then it didn't happen. The monitor and all its beeping and Lilly and her bluing has kept me distracted. After this I might be able to make it as a medical technician. If not then ill have to go to ReGen to get over my monitor addiction. Gonna miss it when we get to bust out of this joint. I'm going to want to pull my hair out when Lilly is turning blue at home and I'm not sure if she's okay. At least here I can see when her oxygen levels go back up to normal range. What a great opportunity to lean not on my own understanding and leap off a cliff into a big ole ocean of trust. God loves Lilly and He loves me and I can trust in His Sovereignty and His promptings. I'm not so powerful that if I miss something on Lilly's health than she can suffer great harm from ignorance outside of God's Sovereignty. Her story has already been written as has mine. (More blue. Might end up hating that color.)

Has been sweet the past couple days getting to sit and do nothing but focus on this sweet baby. I don't have to put down a sleeping baby and try to shove a load of laundry in a washer or try to squeak in some one on one time with another child. There are no other distractions and I can just hold this sweet little babe. It's a rare and a sweet gift. So thankful I can hold her instead of only being able to look at her in an isolate in the NICU. God has been so gracious to us and even if the story was different tonight He is good all the time. I have to repeat that often and probably should daily. I believe this but I want to cling to this truth even if times occur when my heart doesn't want to believe or to trust. Heart is full of gratitude.

Started to jump back into scripture memory. Thankful for a precious friend who is willing to keep spurring me on to be the woman I want to be.

Hubs and I chatted briefly tonight about getting old school phones. Didn't land on anything or chat long as I'm starting to hit loopy stages of exhaustion. Amazing what adrenaline and a huge cup of Starbucks can do though. Really want to pray about how to use the good of technology without being a slave to it. I don't want to exchange a "good" and miss out on eternal things right in front of my face.

JER 45:
Super short chapter. Strange to say but sweet provision tonight.

Should you then seek great things for yourself? Do not seek them. For I will bring disaster on all people, declares the Lord, but wherever you go I will let you escape with your life.' " (Jeremiah 45:5 NIV)

May my heart learn to not seek things for itself. May people who love me sharpen me as iron sharpens iron. May I seek The Lord for He is a treasure greater than anything this world has to offer. May my actions begin to speak louder than those words.

D

Tuesday, September 17, 2013

DAY 1132: psalm 23

Feet up, Lilly Bit on my chest and complete silence except for a squawk from a monitor now and again. Trying to embrace the simple blessings of being in a hospital. Thankful for sweet prompting from The Lord to come to the ER last night. I will be completely honest I've wrestled off and on about my decision to come and whether I'm being a hypochondriac or not. Exhaustion isn't helping my thinking much. All of this is pretty surreal. This is the stuff that happens to other people not us. I don't mean that in an entitled or demanding way but we go to the ER for stitches, scratched corneas and swallowed quarters. We're the family that has to call poison control three times in one week. I can deal with gushing blood but not sure how I'll do if this gets ugly. Can't focus on that but rather thank God that right now sweet one is sleeping comfortably on me. Trusting God will provide everything we need for this part of BrownTown's story. Even when I don't want to trust I pray God will help me trust in my unbelief.

Psalm 23:
Might be kinda cheeser to go instantly to Psalm 23 but Jeremiah doesn't quite seem right today.

The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing. (Psalm 23:1 NIV)

This verse has been a huge comfort the last several years. Oh that my heart would grow to live here. The Lord is my Shepherd I don't need anything other than Him. He will provide in every circumstance because He knows me and is a good shepherd.

He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, (Psalm 23:2 NIV)

Sometimes that leading is in a hospital room for quiet and peace and sometimes those gentle streams are provided while in the midst of hospital rooms. He is a good enough Shepherd to make us lie down when we need it. I'm hoping one day I will be less stubborn about it and can be lead by a gentle hand instead of being made to lie down. Slowly but surely getting better but still have a long way to go. May I drink deeply from Him and be honest about any fear and anxiety I may have. He knows anyway no need to walk in denial and miss out on true abiding peace. Thankful that even in this He is sweet to remind me that I don't have to be so strong. He can handle every emotion I can fling at Him and hold and embrace me through it all.

he refreshes my soul. He guides me along the right paths for his name's sake. (Psalm 23:3 NIV)

He totally does refresh my soul. He refreshes it even when I want to hoard my energy reserves by sleeping in when He's beckoned me to rise or when I ignore the umpteenth fight that has broken out because I'm weary or so on and so forth. He carries us when we are weak if we will let Him. He provides renewed provision just like He did for the widow who daily poured out all the provision that she had only for The Lord to put in exactly what she needed every single day.

Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me. (Psalm 23:4 NIV)

The thought of His rod and staff truly is a comfort to me. It's what I think it would have been like to run into a daddy's arms as a little girl.

Speaking of that stinks to not call my mom and let her know what's going on. In times like this especially it stinks my stepdad can answer and have to deal with all those emotions even on a good day much less a rough day.

I take comfort in the valleys knowing God is Sovereign. I still have a yuck feeling in the pit of my stomach right now but thankful that nothing can happen out of His hands and even if the bottom completely falls out He will provide and He is good. All the time He is good.

You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows. (Psalm 23:5 NIV)

Why He would choose to prepare a banquet for me or anoint my head with oil is a mystery. I'm a wretched sinner yet one day He will cloth me in robes of righteousness and invite me to eat at His banquet. Crazy!
Love how when I choose to remain my cup does overflow. He is that good. It is so difficult to just abide though.

Surely your goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever. (Psalm 23:6 NIV)

May I always remember his goodness and his love regardless of what this life may have in store for me.

D

Monday, September 16, 2013

DAY 1131: GENESIS 2

It's a bullet point kind of day.

-Been convicted over the amount of ievil time on a given day. Especially been aware since with Bella I got really addicted just from hopping on my phone every time I nursed. Been praying God would help me in some way with it all. Totally answered today in the middle of a meeting. He is so good.

-this morning in the wee hours I found it ironic how much this baby hates to sleep. I have felt this sleep deprived before. After Luke my love affair with coffee began. With three kids under three we were up all the time in the middle of the night. We had yet to fully surrender to co-sleeping at that point yet. I had never known exhaustion like that before. I don't exactly know where I was going with that but I've seen God's sweet provision the last several weeks. The days have not all been pretty by any means but God is in the midst of the chaos. All those mornings that I thought sleep was more important than being obedient. Oh how hard it is to look past our circumstances and lean not on our own understanding.

Sinuses still going nuts but didn't need to pound Motrin this evening. Maybe, just maybe the Allerplex is taking the edge off.

GEN 2:
By the seventh day God had finished the work he had been doing; so on the seventh day he rested from all his work. (Genesis 2:2 NIV)

So need to pray about what sabbath should look like!

These verses seem to contradict each other:
Then God said, "Let the land produce vegetation: seed-bearing plants and trees on the land that bear fruit with seed in it, according to their various kinds." And it was so. The land produced vegetation: plants bearing seed according to their kinds and trees bearing fruit with seed in it according to their kinds. And God saw that it was good. (Genesis 1:11, 12 NIV)

VS

Now no shrub had yet appeared on the earth and no plant had yet sprung up, for the Lord God had not sent rain on the earth and there was no one to work the ground, (Genesis 2:5 NIV)

The image of God breathing into Adam and every one of us the breath of life is incredibly beautiful to me.

Then the Lord God formed a man from the dust of the ground and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life, and the man became a living being. (Genesis 2:7 NIV)

Speaking of breath of life was about to pass out but LB and her awful coughing fits jacked me full of adrenaline. My hacking has been annoying enough but watching her struggle with a fit really stinks. Boo!!!

Now the Lord God had planted a garden in the east, in Eden; and there he put the man he had formed. The Lord God took the man and put him in the Garden of Eden to work it and take care of it. (Genesis 2:8, 15 NIV)

God plants garden. God has man work the garden. Love the reminder that even before the fall there was work to be done. There was no toil but there was definitely work. My kids especially one in particular hears the work is good for you talk all the time.

The Lord God said, "It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him." (Genesis 2:18 NIV)

I could work on the helper suitable role a bit. Really want to be a completer for Les and not a depleter or run the shower.

This is probably one of my favorites verses in Genesis but maybe ever.

Adam and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame. (Genesis 2:25 NIV

They felt no shame. Oh how satan has jacked up what is beautiful. Thankful that this is not the end of the story.

D

Saturday, September 14, 2013

DAY 1129: JER 44

Feeling like a big pile of poo. Had planned to go to a HS conference today but Lilly gave me a run for my money last night. It was a good call too since she struggled most of the day. Going to the conference would have been a big ole waste of money.

My body is still not cooperating either and is run down to the ground. Ragweed and food I hate you! I need to get on an elimination diet too to see if it will help LB. I wish I was a freaking snake! Grr! I'm grouchy and complainey and its annoying!

JER 44:
Read but cannot write. Tried to get this done several times today but LB wouldn't cooperate. So much for my easy baby :). Love how God knows exactly what I truly need despite what I think I need or want.

Went outside in hopes a change of scenary would help LB but was falling asleep walking. Everything has been different with this kid. Never had one party at night as much as this one. Will write about this chapter tomorrow. Basically it lays out Judah's disobedience. Sad stuff.

D

Friday, September 13, 2013

DAY 1128: JER 43

Good chill day although I felt like a zombie for most of it. Brains!! Must find my brain!

My family and I were loved on all day by friends. Friend came by and picked up three bigs to go to gymnastics. Wore them out and is probably why my house is silent at 8pm. Another sweet friend dropped off dinner. Blown away by this friend and another who both have pretty lean budgets yet decided to tap into their own grocery budget to feed our family of 8. I find it ironic that I have felt nothing less of a multitude of love coming from the people The Lord has so richly blessed my life with over the past 7 years. Gonna be so hard to leave this place. I am so thankful that it is going to be difficult! Love that there can be so much gratitude and joy in the sadness.

Had a midwife appt today. Sad going there knowing it could be my last time to go there. No more ABC babies. Appointment took forever trying to get a hearing test done on Lilly Bit. Unfortunately I missed a friend today because of it and I still get to go back again next week to have it redone. I'll get one more chance to swing on that front porch swing. LB flunked a hearing test on one ear. From the reading its probably just due to fluid in her ear. Even if its not there's worse things in life. Not nervous like I was with Bella when we had to get a sono of her spine.

Speaking of Bella she's starting to have a more difficult time. She is very sweet to Lilly but is not happy when Lilly is held and she is not. Joshua having a bit of an adjustment too as he's not necessarily a big but not necessarily a little either. We're all adjusting to life as a family of 8 but overall it's going as well as it can be. Having a little bitty sleep on my chest once again makes up for all the hardship of transitioning another family member into the herd and being attached to another tiny person 24/7.

My midwife picked up on my sinus funk and congestion today. I talked about how I haven't been eating as well as I did when my sinuses cleared up a bit. She mentioned I looked puffier again. Been having joint pain and muscle aches again too. I think I've attributed a lot of my feeling run down to exhaustion but think my body responding to the junk I eat adds to the fatigue and exhaustion. I really hate eating. To eat well takes bank and time to plan, prepare and cook. I feel short on supply to do any of those things. I don't know why feeding my family is so stinking hard. Just need to keep plugging along and eventually it will get easier I'm sure.

JER 43:
Remnant disobeys and goes to Egypt when God said no and they take Jeremiah with them. God sends a message to Jeremiah and the Babylonians that they feared coming to get them in Judah is who Jeremiah prophesies is going to destroy Egypt as well. They responded out of fear and obstinance and the irony is they will die exactly how they feared they would in Judah. Letting fear control your life is no good and robs you of the freedom found in Christ. Good analogy of that tonight in Little Pilgrim's Progress. Good stuff!!

Off to sleep. Homeschool crack lady tomorrow.

D

Thursday, September 12, 2013

DAY 1127: JER 42

Today seemed like a couple shoved into one today. Took Lilly Bit to the dr this morning. She's pretty congested and wanted to be sure her tiny airways were still good. She's still nursing like a champ and her lungs are clear so I'll rest easy tonight. Her smokers cough sounds bad but all is well. So thankful for this tiny little treasure!

Looking at FB trying to self medicate and avoid writing this. I guess I've been avoiding it long enough so at some point I'll have to step out of wanting to ignore the issue and deal with it. Looks like we're going to end up moving to MS. Tonight I kinda feel like throwing up as tonight it has hit that this is no longer up in the air as a theoretical possibility but rather reality. I know this is what we are supposed to do and I feel much peace about it but my heart feels like its being ripped into a thousand shreds. I can already see God's provision in all of this and I trust in His infinite goodness. I'm not one to purposely put myself in a painful situation and leaving this place will be harder than leaving any other place I've ever been. It's crazy that this place feels more like home than any other place I've lived. I'm so thankful God sent us on a crazy adventure to Portland for 18 short months so that we would end up at WM. Although our time here has not been all fun and games and my hubs and I have both had to face our share of demons, I'm thankful for the mighty work He's done. If God could be so incredibly good to me here I know that He can do the same in Jackson. Hoping I can convince the women who I carry so dearly in my heart to have some mom's weekend away in Jackson.

JER 42:
I find it ironic that last night I decided to stay another day in this chapter and it fits the new reality of a move for us.

The remnant asked The Lord what He wanted them to do and vowed to follow whatever The Lord said. When push came to shove though they wanted nothing to do with what God commanded them. I so want to be in alignment with what God desires for me to do. Although like my children I struggle with obedience I want to obey God. For me moving to MS is all about obedience. I wish I could obey in a happy way but that so isn't my style. I have to thrash around and moan and bust out a dramatic flourish.

It's interesting to me how God has my hubs and I set on two different paths on this whole MS thing. For my hubs he has had to wrestle with trying to choose between two seemingly good choices and discern what is best for our family and lead out and make the decision. Obedience hasn't played a role in all this for him. Yet for my unruly bottom this whole MS situation has been about God calling me to submit and obey. Thankful Les has never been a "respect my authority" (said in my best Cartman voice) kind of guy. The way he loves, listens and cares makes submitting easy. Oy. If I'm supposed to submit on this deal I need to put the moving timeline off my list of things to decide too. Yay obedience!!!

Here's the deal though. In this chapter if those knuckleheads had listened to what Jerry said and remained in Judah it would have gone well with them. God was ready to relent in His destruction of Judah in light of repentant hearts.

'If you stay in this land, I will build you up and not tear you down; I will plant you and not uproot you, for I have relented concerning the disaster I have inflicted on you. Do not be afraid of the king of Babylon, whom you now fear. Do not be afraid of him, declares the Lord, for I am with you and will save you and deliver you from his hands. I will show you compassion so that he will have compassion on you and restore you to your land.' (Jeremiah 42:10-12 NIV)

If only they had stayed in the land God would have restored them. This part of the remnant did not trust God though. They allowed what they could see with their eyes and their fear to be what drove their decision making. Doing anything out of fear is never a good idea. Perfect love casts out all fear. I feel for these Israelites though. It's so hard not to look at our circumstances and lean on our own understanding. This faith walk thing can be incredibly difficult. May I get better at it, walking by faith and not leaning upon my own understanding but rather trusting The Lord. I know when I trust and obey it will go well with me. Maybe one day ill even stop kicking and screaming during the process.

D



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Wednesday, September 11, 2013

DAY 1127: JER 42

Listening to my hubs play "Wee Wee" with Bunny while she giggles with her older sister. Can't believe I have three girls!! Crazy blessed!

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LB looks like she might actually be settling in and now I'm ready to crash. Had much to write about but fading fast. My early morning dates with Lilly are turning me into MeeMaw.

JER 42:
This chapter makes me so sad. Part of the remnant goes to Jeremiah and asks him to pray to The Lord and they will do whatever The Lord tells them to do.

Then they said to Jeremiah, "May the Lord be a true and faithful witness against us if we do not act in accordance with everything the Lord your God sends you to tell us. Whether it is favorable or unfavorable, we will obey the Lord our God, to whom we are sending you, so that it will go well with us, for we will obey the Lord our God." (Jeremiah 42:5, 6 NIV)

How often do we go before The Lord and ask for Him to reveal His will for our lives only to hate the answer He gives us. The remnant hated the answer The Lord gave them so they chose to disobey. Will come back tomorrow. Good stuff here!

D

Tuesday, September 10, 2013

DAY 1126: JER 41

Amazing how big a difference going to bed at 9 can make. Still really tired but not as dog tired as yesterday. LB got up at 4am and stated up to 6:30am. Instead of just staying up I went for an extra hour of sleep. Foolish. Woke up more tired and immediately had kiddos to attend to. When will I just trust that God can provide more than that extra hour of sleep I'm always wanting to try to grab.

Wonderful friend brought me a gianormous iced coffee which helped put some pep in my step. I had been doing so good coffee free. I feel great about chugging a cup or three of a legal stimulant in order to help fight against narcolepsy the first half year of baby adjustment. Had three sweet kiddos over here today which went pretty well. Think having some playmates over for the smaller browns is going to be great. Bigs had opportunity to read to small frys and will get to start "teaching" AKA reinforcing what they have mastered. Sometimes my hair brained ideas actually work.

Lilly is thankfully sleeping now but was angry earlier. Her reflux / cold combo is giving me grief. Hard to know if she is sad over reflux or her coughing and congestion. How much of her congestion is actually caused by her reflux? I've had several itty bitties get cold in their first couple weeks or month of life but not upper respiratory funk. She's settled and fine now so looks like her reflux is more the issue than her cold. Crying baby plus lack of sleep plus wackadoo hormones can equal craziness.

Speaking of craziness realized today that a lot of the struggle I have as a parent is my reacting to situations verses responding. I want to say with my more sensitive ones it makes using those kind of moments for shepherding go out the window. In reality when I react instead of respond I loose the moment with all of them. Going to try to practice bitingly tongue more and waiting for a clear head and quick flare prayer to happen before I react in haste to their sinfulness. Oh how my own sin makes the waters super murky.

JER 41:
This passage seems misplaced and belongs in one of the Kings or something. At the end of 40 the person put in charge over Judah, Gedaliah, and is warned that the king of the Ammonites is sending somebody to take him out. Gedaliah doesn't think it's right to kill the guy if that's not what is going to happen.

Then Johanan son of Kareah said privately to Gedaliah in Mizpah, "Let me go and kill Ishmael son of Nethaniah, and no one will know it. Why should he take your life and cause all the Jews who are gathered around you to be scattered and the remnant of Judah to perish?" But Gedaliah son of Ahikam said to Johanan son of Kareah, "Don't do such a thing! What you are saying about Ishmael is not true." (Jeremiah 40:15, 16 NIV)

Hard to know if how Gedaliah responded was due to trusting God or out of passivity. Been good the past couple weeks to have a friend ask good questions to reveal that not all my trusting God is really trusting Him but more avoiding or self protecting in certain situations. Huge insight! Of course not at all what I want to hear but that's the kind of friends I want to have. I want my sin and areas of blind spots pointed out. I truly want to become more like Jesus and not stay stuck stumbling around in my blindness. The heart is deceitful!

In chapter 41 Ishmael kills Gedaliah as well as a group of Jews in mourning. Really kinda bloody yucky scene. Ishmael tries to take some of the remnant back to the land of the Ammonites but Johanan goes after him and rescues the people. I know there is more going on than I can see. Need to read commentary to make this really come alive and understandable. Must write a blog post so can't tonight. Maybe in the middle of the night when Lilly and I are bonding.

D

Monday, September 09, 2013

DAY 1125: JER 40

I am so flipping tired. Today felt like a week long. I literally had to stop myself from saying have a good weekend several times this afternoon. It should have been a fantastic day. First day of school, got to see a precious friend, and got a haircut. All the makings for greatness but I got my booty kicked by motherhood today. Lilly Bit was not having school and everything felt like an uphill battle. A curious child destroyed the four years of hair that I've grown and can no longer be donated. Overall it was a typical day in BrownTown but with ragweed kicking my butt all the way to Pizza Hut and sheer exhaustion from Late Nites w/ Lilly I just couldn't deal with today nor get one coherent thought together. My sinuses and now ears and throat hurt like crazy. I want to sit on a dung heap and whine and complain. Not really but really I do. What I really want is six hours or even five of uninterrupted sleep. I want my body to heal. That sounds so lame when there are so many who are really sick and who really want to be well. I've been so blessed with great health. Today at the pediatrician he told me to make sure Les and I got pertussis boosters because its supposed to get super bad. The shots haven't been working quite as well since they had to change the vaccine but some coverage is better than nothing. I sat in the waiting room after Lilly's appt to feed her and I started hacking up my lung. Of course I couldn't help but think I had pertussis. I know I'm hacking because of ragweed and the cold I had last week. In my tired state hard not to break into hysterics even if just momentary.

JER 40:
Battery about to die and I can't make my brain get this. Need to reread it like ten times. Woke up to this verse this morning though.

My mouth is filled with your praise, declaring your splendor all day long. (Psalm 71:8 NIV)

I so wanted this to be my anthem today but not so much. It was a battle today and I felt like a whiney brat all day.
So thankful tomorrow is a new day and His graces abounds!

D

Sunday, September 08, 2013

DAY 1123: JER 39

Incredibly grumpy. So ready for these wonderful offspring to be in bed asleep. Actually more than that I'm ready to be in bed, asleep! This sweet Lilly Bit is throwing off my I get more sleep when the baby is born theory. Rocked her in the wee hours of the morning and could not have been more thankful for this season. Still thankful for this season but just want this season in bed!!

JER 39:
Babylonians have finally arrived to crush and conquer. Zedekiah is captured, his sons executed in front of him and then his eyes are gouged out. His wishy washyness did him no favors. Jeremiah on the other hand was taken care of because of his faithfulness.

Now Nebuchadnezzar king of Babylon had given these orders about Jeremiah through Nebuzaradan commander of the imperial guard: "Take him and look after him; don't harm him but do for him whatever he asks." (Jeremiah 39:11, 12 NIV)

The man who saved Jeremiah from the cistern was also taken care of.

"Go and tell Ebed-Melek the Cushite, 'This is what the Lord Almighty, the God of Israel, says: I am about to fulfill my words against this city—words concerning disaster, not prosperity. At that time they will be fulfilled before your eyes. But I will rescue you on that day, declares the Lord; you will not be given into the hands of those you fear. I will save you; you will not fall by the sword but will escape with your life, because you trust in me, declares the Lord.' " (Jeremiah 39:16-18 NIV)

God doesn't deliver the faithful from every hard or awful situation but God does bless those who are called His children. It does not go well for those who choose to go down their own path. Lilly Bit struggling so calling it quits. House much quieter now though and in thankful for the amazing help of my hubs.

D

Saturday, September 07, 2013

DAY 1122: JER 38

Rockstar hubs just left with 6 children in hopes that I'll get a nap. I can tell he's pretty exhausted yet has tried to corral kids as much as possible. I either ate something that Lilly Bit hated yesterday or reflux is in full swing. My guess is reflux with her stuffy nose, wanting to constantly nurse, back arching and raspy voice. For being so uncomfortable she still is as sweet as she can be.

Still avoiding writing about something I need to write about but maybe Monday.

JER 38:
The first 13 verses of this chapter are really interesting to me. Jeremiah continues to prophesy the message The Lord has given him. The Israelites who stay will be destroyed and those who go with the Babylonians will be saved. As you can imagine the Israelites who have had deaf ears to truth are quite upset at this message. Some of the people ask to take care of Jeremiah and his bummer of a message.

Then the officials said to the king, "This man should be put to death. He is discouraging the soldiers who are left in this city, as well as all the people, by the things he is saying to them. This man is not seeking the good of these people but their ruin." "He is in your hands," King Zedekiah answered. "The king can do nothing to oppose you." (Jeremiah 38:4, 5 NIV)

King Zedekiah is as lukewarm and passive as it gets. He isn't a king who has lead his people to continue pagan worship but he is also not a king who has lead his people to listen to truth either. He's neither hot nor cold. He's not strong enough to have Jeremiah killed or put in jail himself yet he is not willing to oppose those who believe he should be "taken care of" either.

Here comes the next scene:
But Ebed-Melek, a Cushite, an official in the royal palace, heard that they had put Jeremiah into the cistern. While the king was sitting in the Benjamin Gate, Ebed-Melek went out of the palace and said to him, "My lord the king, these men have acted wickedly in all they have done to Jeremiah the prophet. They have thrown him into a cistern, where he will starve to death when there is no longer any bread in the city." Then the king commanded Ebed-Melek the Cushite, "Take thirty men from here with you and lift Jeremiah the prophet out of the cistern before he dies." (Jeremiah 38:7-10 NIV)

A Cushite, not an Israelite, realizes the evil thing that was done to Jeremiah. He goes before the king to ask to save Jeremiah. Zedekiah in his wish washy ways allows Ebed-Melek to save Jerry. I'm having a strong emotional reaction to this king. I'm guessing its righteous simply in the fact that God detests lukewarm people as well. I'm guessing the word lukewarm can be swapped out with the word passive as well. A passive person will neither stand up for what is right or what is wrong. They go along with whatever by default. The passion that lives deep within me wants to yell just choose something!! Funny considering how indecisive I can be. The truth is if you are not for God then you are against Him and if you are not against evil than you are for it. You can't serve two masters. Living life one foot in and one foot out never ends well. God wants us all in. He doesn't want us perfect but He wants a heart devoted to Him.

D

Friday, September 06, 2013

DAY 1121: JER 37

JER 37:
I won't lie I don't exactly know what to think about this chapter. The king of Babylon set up Zedekiah as King of Judah. He won't listen to The Lord of Jeremiah yet wants Jeremiah to pray to The Lord for Judah. Unfortunately I totally get this kind of relationship with God. For a long time I wasn't willing to completely leave my rebellion but I didn't mind asking for a God handout when things got crazy every once and awhile. God still answered sometimes which is kinda crazy to me.

I had a demon car that I loved in my pagan years. It left me stranded on the side of the road or middle of the road often. Once a man in a pick up offered me a ride and I got in. I got the creeps at one point not for any particular reason other than maybe some reason finally hit me. Instead of having him drive me home which I was going to do I had him drive me to a restaurant that I worked at at the time. Another time I was stranded I actually prayed and asked for help. A man named Bones helped me and despite his interesting name felt much peace about him. Didn't hurt that he had stopped to help me while headed to a men's retreat at his church. Oddly enough this man also helped my hubs. Man or angel? I don't ever wonder such things but for this guy it wouldn't surprise me if something wasn't more divine about him. Why do I even mention that story? Despite the fact that I probably got completely wasted that night God still heard my cry for help even while not walking with Him. Obviously that answered prayer made quite the impact even if I didn't respond right away. He longs to get our attention.

This verse stuck out to me the most especially in light of the talk at the Nest today.

Zedekiah son of Josiah was made king of Judah by Nebuchadnezzar king of Babylon; he reigned in place of Jehoiachin son of Jehoiakim. Neither he nor his attendants nor the people of the land paid any attention to the words the Lord had spoken through Jeremiah the prophet. (Jeremiah 37:1, 2 NIV)

Zedekiah was Josiah's son. Josiah was a rockstar king. He was obedient to The Lord and walked whole heartedly in His ways. Why weren't Josiah's boys just as fired up about God as Josiah was? I don't know the magic formula that makes one move from head knowledge to heart knowledge about God but I do know there's nothing I can do to make that happen for my kids. There's some relief in that I can't screw it up bad enough but at the same time knowing there's nothing I can do to make that happen for my kids is hard too. All I can do is be faithful and try to remove as many barriers as possible.

D

Thursday, September 05, 2013

DAY 1120: JER 36

Good day today spent catching up with a friend and watching my kids teach other rule following kids that following the rules is boring. No need to fear that any of my offspring were switched at birth.

Saw the birth pictures a dear friend of mine took tonight. They were beautiful. Love how every birth has a story of its own. Such a precious gift to have Bella and Lilly's birth photographed. Such a gift to have two amazing women by my side for the birth of my Lilly Bit. I want to know the formula to order up another pregnancy, labor and delivery like Lilly's.

The past couple weeks I've reached the point of sheer annoyance with the lengthy locks on my head. I mentioned it Wednesday and was ready for somebody to just take a pair of scissors to my darn head. A sweet friend knew somebody who might come to me to give me a haircut. Not only did she arrange it she also chose to bless me with a haircut just because. Such a sweet blessing! Been crazy blown away by how we have been loved on lately. A haircut couldn't have come at a better time either since I found a cough drop stuck in my hair this evening. Who knows how long it's been there. Maybe it's been there for days.

Have more to write about tonight but that will have to be saved for a later date. Hubs and I have a mostly kid free opportunity to catch up.

JER 36:
Another intense chapter. God commands Jeremiah to write down all the words He has given Jeremiah in hopes the Israelites will repent. The king has a hissy fit and burns the scroll that contained the message God gave to Jeremiah and he wanted to harm JER and the scribe who wrote the scroll. Ah pride and intolerance of truth is a beast!

"Take a scroll and write on it all the words I have spoken to you concerning Israel, Judah and all the other nations from the time I began speaking to you in the reign of Josiah till now. Perhaps when the people of Judah hear about every disaster I plan to inflict on them, they will each turn from their wicked ways; then I will forgive their wickedness and their sin." (Jeremiah 36:2, 3 NIV)

These verses again convey God's ultimate desire of a restored relationship with His Children. He loves us so very much!!

D

Wednesday, September 04, 2013

DAY 1119: JER 35

I am a tired beast. Lilly Bit has a cold and was very sad last night. Don't understand how she got a cold, I've only been hacking on her since she's gotten here. Happy almost two weeks outside the womb sweet one! Hope you enjoy being apart of one of the germiest families around. You'll thank us later when your immune system kicks booty later! Hmm.. That theory is not working out so well for me.

I've been missing my pagan alcoholic days the past several nights. I don't miss any of the chaos but 2-3 drinks sure does take the edge off of an obnoxious virus. It's probably why NyQuil is so darn effective. Speaking of being an ex pagan I watched Miley Cyrus's video Can't Stop which was what her VMA performance was based off of. The video is nuts but when I was 20 what is depicted in that video was me. I was crazy nuts, all about shock value and set on a crash course of self destruction. My heart aches for Miley and all the sweet girls like her who have bought into a twisted and sick lie which only ends in death. That poor girl is the walking dead right now.
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Good times getting caught up with sweet friends I don't see near enough. Hate the family turmoil one is in the midst of right now. Our sin has so much more impact than we can imagine. Realizing that only points to just how powerful God's grace and redemption truly is. My sweet friend is right smack in the midst of it and my heart hurts for her knowing how painful it is in the midst of it but I rejoice over how beautiful God can make anything.

Aching for another friend who is being struggling with shame and guilt. If only she could see herself through the lens of those who love her. If only we could all do that. How much does insecurity, pride, shame and guilt distort everything? Christ died to set us free from all of that and yet so many of us, myself included, continue to be bound by chains. It's time with Him, slowing down enough to hear His gentle whispers and reminders of how valuable we are to The Lord and how precious we are to Him.

JER 35:
This chapter is really interesting to me. The Lord has truly gone to great lengths to get His kiddos attention. God truly is slow to anger. When I think of all the different times and different ways He tried to get the Israelites attention it truly is astounding. I can't point a finger at the Israelites either because I know God went to great lengths to get my attention as well. I'm stubborn and stiff necked just like the Israelites were.

In this chapter God asks Jeremiah to gather the family of the Rekabites and to offer them a drink of wine. When Jeremiah sets wine before them they refuse to drink. They explain the laws passed down to them by their forefathers and they have been diligent and zealous to follow them and be obedient to The Lord. The Rekabites were not Israelites but rather descendants of Jethro, Moses father in law. They were commanded to live in tents and live a nomadic life. They were not given an inheritance of land like the Israelites and yet they were obedient unlike the Israelites. The Rekabites were told that because of their obedience they would surely be blessed. Due to the disobedience of the Israelites disaster was sure to fall on Judah and Israel. Obedience is a big deal to God. Honestly when we are willing to obey even when we don't want to it shows that we have relationship with God, that we trust The Lord and love Him enough to do what He wants us to.

D

Monday, September 02, 2013

DAY 1117: JER 33

Still feeling dumpy. I should use this as an opportunity to give thanks for good health. Wish that was more my heart right now but this cough headache combo is wearing me out. I don't do well with lingering sorta sick.

Fighting a bad attitude about BS. I am looking forward to spending time with some great tank filling women and once again having a weekly date with a dear friend. I'm not looking forward to all the rest of it. Being face to face with my pride on a weekly basis can be a good thing but just like this cough it's obnoxious and I so wish I was just humble. Maybe the challenge I should give myself this semester is to just shut the heck up. If I'm completely honest I want to be one of the teachers. I want to mull over a passage, dissect it and speak on it. I love addressing a group, covering a section of scripture and feeling my cheeks burn hot while the words come pouring out of my mouth. I often can't string two thoughts together anymore so when the words come together I can't take credit for them. Love that part of it. I think my other issue with BS is that I so desperately want to be lead by somebody. Yet I won't let just anybody lead me. I'm such a prideful brat. As much as I've battled my flesh today I know God is Sovereign and I know the leader I have is perfect and will accomplish many things.

Before I shove on I need to start figuring out what my goals should be this upcoming year. I feel like I've been stuck in a 7 year scripture memory rut. I can't seem to commit to anything. Memorize Philippians, no Colossians, no Romans 6, 7 & 8, no all the navigator verses, no James, no back to Philippians. I'm a mess! I should aim to memorize the Biblical Womanhood verses but I'm still drawn to memorizing Philippians like a moth to a flame. Philippians crazy to attempt if I can't even do the Womanhood verses. I've got three girls now so memorizing those verses would do the gals of BrownTown some good. My goal is to copy all the verses on note cards this week and ring them together. Instead of checking out on my stupid phone while nursing I can take my verses out of the pocket of my Breast Friend and memorize. Scripture memory strategy, check! Next on my agenda tackling prayer, food, rising early and exercise. Self discipline is the overarching goal I guess. I think there was a book I wanted to read on prayer. Need to research and then figure out my game plan. My hubs has been writing out his prayers so thinking doing that at least once a week would probably be good. I used to frequently write out my prayers and pray on my knees. Although I feel as if I talk to God often I miss that time set apart for more intentional prayer and more of a pouring out of my heart. My goal for prayer is to find that prayer book and read it this month and from there come up with a reasonable game plan.

JER 33:
In this chapter God again promises restoration to the remnant. Israel and Judah will be desolated but God will return the remnant back to the land promised to them and God will once again restore what was taken away.

" 'Nevertheless, I will bring health and healing to it; I will heal my people and will let them enjoy abundant peace and security. (Jeremiah 33:6 NIV)

Thankful tonight that God is the great healer!!!

D