Wednesday, November 27, 2013

DAY 1201: EZEKIEL 25

It's crazy the difference a day can make. Not sure what the difference was today or what was up my bum yesterday but I'm thankful.

Bella partied last night and then woke up Lilly Bit right before she drifted off. Had a really bad attitude about it in the moment and realized what an entitled mess I am. I'm so thankful God is merciful and ever so patient.

Heart still incredibly heavy for a friend. I don't have a sister, well sorta, but regardless I have no idea what it is like to loose a sibling. I can't imagine what it's like to loose a child grown or not. This life truly truly is but a vapor. I hate that I waste so much time focused on things that absolutely do not matter. God please help me focus on the things in this life that are truly important. May I offer up all my time to you. Help me make wise choices with the time that you so graciously bless me with. If that time is sitting and rocking a sweet babe for hours may I be content with that instead of internally wrestle with all the to dos. Help me walk in your ways and be sensitive to what your agenda for me is each day. Give us wisdom on how to offer up a day to honor the Sabbath that you have blessed us with. Help us not fall prey to busyness but rather relish in relationship.

Praying for all of you especially those spending time with family.

Ezekiel 25:
Haven't started reading yet but find it interesting that I have had the odd experience of sitting in heavy books of the bible when people I love have experienced great loss. It's hard to read about God taking Ezekiel's wife while a friend grieves a great loss. It was hard to sit in Job while a friend grieved a great loss. These things in light of what I'm reading is so hard. So hard. I'm willing to dig in with God though. I still think I'm struggling with anger towards Him. I want to make Him who I want to be and since I can't see all and I do t know all His ways sometimes just seem heartless. Yet I know that He is good and there has to be a reason. I want my heart to catch up with my mind on this one.

This is better than yesterday. Will dive in tomorrow. Time with hubs.

D

Monday, November 25, 2013

DAY 1199: EZEKIEL 23

Ezekiel 23 is so not what I needed to read tonight. Want to puke a bit in my mouth and feel triggered. That's probably the point of why God chose the words He did in this chapter.

This is just one of many verses that are just gross to me.

There she lusted after her lovers, whose genitals were like those of donkeys and whose emission was like that of horses. (Ezekiel 23:20 NIV)

Our sin is gross though. I think often I think too lightly of it. Our sin is gross and disgusting but thanks be to God we are clothed with righteousness through the blood of His son.

Not many words today. My thoughts early this morning were with a friend at a dr's appt with her daughter. Thoughts then were focused on a sweet friend who lost her sister today. Can't imagine what that is like. Heart aches for her.

In addition to all that I was a grump. I think the rice and beans are getting to me. The funny thing is that I really like rice and beans. I just want to eat them when I want to. This isn't growing a heart of gratitude the way I would like but rather revealing the sin that lives within me. I feel like lately that's all that's being squeezed out.

D

Thursday, November 14, 2013

DAY 1189: EZEKIEL 15

Oh how I love camping. I love how gritty and earthy it is. I love crazy wild boys who make my heart have palpitations because of their shenanigans with fire. I love kids set free to explore what God has created. I love being a cheater and having electricity and a heater in my tent. I love just about everything about it. Thankful to have crazy friends willing to share their lives with us and go camping. Glad I get to go to bed with a full heart tonight.

Feeling better and a lot less self focused about events that transpired this week. I feel like we have the beginnings of a plan which feels proactive and like we are doing something. I don't think it's going to be the magical cure but I feel hopeful. Again I am thankful that God is in control and He can and will work all things together for the good of my Brownies and Les and I. My sweet babies live in a sinful world full of hurt and pain and as much as I hate that, I'm thankful God is with us to guide us as we help our kids navigate through yuck.

EZEKIEL 15:
Read this but it's a hard read. Appropriate though whilst smelling a camp fire and it talks about burning the useless vine of Israel. Another great reminder that apart from Him we truly can do nothing.

This is the verse of the day:
Enter his gates with thanksgiving and his courts with praise; give thanks to him and praise his name. For the Lord is good and his love endures forever; his faithfulness continues through all generations. (Psalm 100:4, 5 NIV)

God is good, His love endures and He is faithful. So thankful for this. Even during the valley I can give thanks because these are truths that I have come to believe and these are the truths about God that give me much hope.

D

Wednesday, November 13, 2013

DAY 1188: GEN 23

I yelled at my kiddos (boys) today and tried to play it off when my oldest gave me a look. I never dreamed I'd become the yelling mommy. I should have asked for forgiveness. Often I do but today I just didn't want to. Today I was frustrated that parenting is so damn hard.

I'm reeling over events from yesterday. I wanted/needed time and space to process the chaos swirling around in my head. My heart hurts immensely. I have nothing to cling to but The Lord yet I've grasped for FB, chocolate or anything to make the ache stop. I have nothing to cling to but The Lord and yet I'm angry at God. All the while I find much peace and hope knowing that The Lord is Sovereign.

If I'm still honest there's a part of me deep down that feels like I'm the plague and I have passed crap off to my children. The truth is in my brokenness I do pass off my yuck to my kids but I don't have the plague. There's a part of me that feels so deeply like I do though. If I didn't my vigilance would not be in vain. I know this is a lie but it feels so incredibly real tonight.

Today at BS I was reminded that even if I did the perfect job of raising my kids I am guaranteed the result I desire. Love must always come before training them. I need to be vigilant at training my kids but ultimately I have no control over which path they will choose to take. God is Sovereign over the events and the stories that will unfold in the lives of my children. He can make all things beautiful. Today I had hoped my beauty for ashes would have looked differently BUT I know that in God's hands The beauty He creates is much more so than I could ever dream or imagine.

I know in some ways I'm being vague and not sure whether that will remain that way or not. For tonight vague seems more than appropriate.

Since I'm emoting everywhere anyway I need to be honest that I'm frustrated that one of my children is not a natural born leader. Hate that I wrote that and hate even more that it's how I feel. I know this is an area this kiddo can grow and thrive in but for right now it drives me bonkers that there is much more following than natural leading.

Only rocked one kiddo today which was a miss. Although to my credit Lilly Bit just didn't want to share this afternoon. I do feel like rocking is helping to connect heart strings and I'm so thankful.

Read this morning. Passing out but Abrahams humility stood out in this chapter. Abe never just takes what is not his.

D

Tuesday, November 12, 2013

DAY 1187: GEN 22

Five sweet kids in and out of our house today. Hoping the excitement means six little Brownies will be sawing logs early tonight.

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A little lost for words at the moment and missing my hubster. We've been like two passing ships in the night lately. Looking forward to camping this weekend and really getting caught up. Tonight I'm thankful for the beautiful Sovereignty of God. Being a parent is full of joy, blessing, pain and hardship that I never knew existed in life. Thankful I don't have to walk this road alone.

No intentional rocking today. Must get back on that.

Gen 22:
What a chapter to read tonight. I so desperately want to keep my kids from harms reach. The Lord keeps reminding me over and over that these kids are His and I've got to be willing to loosen my white knuckled grip and place them on the altar.

Then God said, "Take your son, your only son, whom you love—Isaac—and go to the region of Moriah. Sacrifice him there as a burnt offering on a mountain I will show you." (Genesis 22:2 NIV)

It's hard for me to reconcile sometimes how a loving God could possibly ask Abraham to do this. God could just search Abe's heart was this scene truly necessary? For whatever reason it was. It foreshadows God taking His only son and offering Him as a sacrifice for all so that we might be clothed with the righteousness of Christ. This story and the story of Jesus on the cross seem completely absurd. So does talking donkeys and gianormous arks. My ways are not His ways. I'm okay wrestling with things like this because in the end I'm faced with my sinful mortality. Who am I to question the story God has been weaving and creating since the beginning of time?

Stranger than God's request is Abraham 'a response.

Early the next morning Abraham got up and loaded his donkey. He took with him two of his servants and his son Isaac. When he had cut enough wood for the burnt offering, he set out for the place God had told him about. (Genesis 22:3 NIV)

Early the next morning!! Abraham responded right away to God's request. Considering how much I can drag my feet I can't imagine getting up early in the morning to obey this request.

Oh God change my heart to trust you and give me eyes that see.

D

Friday, November 08, 2013

DAY 1183: Ezekiel 14

Good day today overall. Got some school done and watched little minds turn on with excitement. Glad I decided to ditch the more drudgery school work for the meantime instead of trying to get that done and skipping on what really gets my kids fired up. Nobody is going to die if spelling stays creative, the definition of a pronoun remains unmemorized, or handwriting is ditched for a bit longer. Just as clarification my plan is to vacation from the 3 R's till the end of the year not the end of the school year.

Speaking of school or unschool or just life with kids Teddy's Button is fantastic. Lamplighter has boasted of this book and I finally downloaded for free on Amazon and it's great. My boys were instantly captivated and my girl too. I love watching my oldest sons eyes widen to a good storyline in a book.

Had a great talk with my oldest today about the gift of leadership that she has been given and the three choices she has with that gift. The kid was the most helpful and biggest leader around here I've seen in awhile. She even changed poopy diapers and gave her baby brother a reading lesson. That kid is something. Praised the heck out of her.

Been praying a lot more for wisdom on how to parent these kiddos as I feel completely out of my element these days. Surprise, surprise it's working. For my oldest boy I've really noticed the value of coming alongside him more. I know I've crushed him in ways with my critical spirit but trying harder to partner with him. Not sure if it's doing much to change anything other than my heart towards him. Thankful.

I've been praying too about home management. I pretty much stink at it. I'm not trying to be self deprecating but I lack lots of game in this department. Organization is key to running a zoo this size and it doesn't come easy to me, like at all. The whole cooking and laundry and life things that need to happen and orderliness is hard. I do feel like I've had small victories the last couple days. I got a cupboard cleaned out and although not perfectly organized it's better than it was and no longer completely out of control. I got the books in our living room more straightened. The overflowing piles were driving me bonkers. I know my happy orderly rows will only last a day or two but for today it's a victory. If I can daily knock out small piles of clutter then I might actually start gaining some traction. This meal planning thing and laundry is still overwhelming but day by day. Thankful God is faithful and willing to help in ways I never thought possible.
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Shut down on Les tonight. Hate that. Wish there weren't areas in our marriage that are so incredibly difficult to talk about. Harder when I'm already caught up in a shame and guilt cycle about it all. Hormonal and feeling way too raw right now.



Ezekiel 14:
Again in this chapter I am taken aback at how much He loves us and just desires for us to walk with Him rather than away from Him.

I will do this to recapture the hearts of the people of Israel, who have all deserted me for their idols.' (Ezekiel 14:5 NIV

D

Thursday, November 07, 2013

DAY 1182: GEN 18-20

Sleepy. Want to dig in deep but my body is saying no I wanna sleep. Over all better day today. Kids finally getting along again. They played so wonderfully together this morning. My Tom Sawyer gathered the troops and had them help her clean her room. Obviously I need to take lessons from her. Such a natural born leader. It is funny how all it takes is one of them to go along with cleaning, mainly Abbie, to get buy in from the entire crew. I'm sure there is some huge life illustration here but I'm too foggy headed to pull it out. Oh how nursing sucks those brain cells right out.

Good afternoon spent at the park. My sinuses are not happy but the sun and company was good for the soul. Struggling with feeling blah though. Not sure if it's because I don't feel great or if I'm getting the after baby blahs. Thankfully not feeling apathetic and flat. I do feel overwhelmed right now. I hate using the word overwhelmed because it sounds so strong. I think I'm just struggling with mommy guilt and feeling at a loss on how to best train my kids. Still trying to get into some kind of groove. Really need to be praying about what steps I can start taking to start conquering the chaos.

Still want to unpack Gen 18-20 but although super lame I need to get to bed at 9:30. Hitting up Ezekiel 14 instead. Chapter starts off strong.

"Son of man, these men have set up idols in their hearts and put wicked stumbling blocks before their faces. Should I let them inquire of me at all? (Ezekiel 14:3 NIV)

Idols in their hearts and stumbling blocks in their faces. So guilty. I pray that The Lord would continue to reveal the areas I need to work in.

Falling asleep. #lame

D

DAY 1181: GEN 18-20

Tired. Went to a bday thing tonight. Room full of greats. Insecurity definitely felt tonight. I think it's good when it rears it's ugly head in situations like this. Reminds me that it's there.

Lots of folks in a life stage just ahead of me. I couldn't help but think where are you people? So many women, myself included, dying to be mentored or discipled. Then it occurred to me I need to be actively doing that for other woman. I need to clear away the clutter in my schedule and truly invest in someone.

Fading fast. Read Ezekiel 13. Want to get back to Genesis 18-20 but tomorrow.

Favorite verse of the chapter:

therefore you will no longer see false visions or practice divination. I will save my people from your hands. And then you will know that I am the Lord.' " (Ezekiel 13:23 NIV)

I will save my people from your hands. Oh how He loves us!

D

Tuesday, November 05, 2013

DAY 1180: GEN 18-20

Today was another gun slinging kinda day. I feel like a turd parent once again. I feel like all I did today was bark orders. I look back and all I can see are the negatives, my negatives. I think I expect every day to be like a tampax commercial. Yeah parenting can be tough but look at how much fun we're having and all the pretty flowers and white pants. Nobody's freaking period is like that. I know because the devil showed up today and their are no flowers because I'm cramping so much I feel like I'm in labor.

The truth is my kids were turkeys today and dangit I probably was too. It feels as if they only want to be obedient and respectful when the next fun thing is right in front of them. No carrot on a stick then forget it. I get it. I've totally been that way with God. I definitely have been a whiney butt about my circumstances and wanting God to take them away. It's less the circumstances and more my struggle with self that I want God to take away. I want a magic wand to be waved and I want to be in that magical tampon commercial where cramps are fun. Speaking of which I wonder if I can blame my attitude on my period.

My little turkey pants Joshua climbed into the back of a friends van today and got an unexpected ride. Maybe it was expected and he was excited to fly the coop. I would like to say I was worked up into hysterics when we couldn't find him almost 20 minutes later but I wasn't. When my oldest told me she had seen him slip into my friends van I knew where he was and if not he was hiding somewhere after getting into something he shouldn't have been into. Total stinkpot. I talked to him later and he said he was scared and I believe him but who knows if that kid is raking me over the coals or not. That kid has been extra stinkpot lately. He's in the magical land of needing a nap but needing to drop it as well. He's tired and can't seem to deal with life. He's also officially not a baby anymore. He really kind of is but I only have room for two real babies at a time. Need to get that little stinker some more one on one time. I need to get all those stinkers some more one on one time. Oh how to balance work and play. I can't ever get caught up with the work but boy do I need to play more.

Speaking of play and unschooling I'm just giving up on the 3 R's till next year. I can't seem to figure out how to do the fun school stuff with the 3 R's so ditching the weighty academics and going for the things that will inspire instead. Got back into the groove of reading like crazy this afternoon. That was an incredibly enjoyable part of my day. Had let my brownies watch a few YouTube videos of what we had been reading about and got attitude when I started reading again. It fun to see them get sucked into the story of some missionaries and then beg for me to read more. I could have done more with the story to teach but will go back over them tomorrow and bust out the application. This is the kind of schooling that I love.

Gen 18-20:
Chapter 19 is a particularly hard chapter to read. It used to infuriate me every time I read it.

Must unpack tomorrow. But like God showed mercy to Lot I'm so thankful He does the same for me!

D

Monday, November 04, 2013

DAY 1179: EZEKIEL 12

I want to write about all the happenings today or rather unhappenings but not a whole lot of it seems to matter right now. This morning my hubs let me read an email about a sweet girl on staff who lost her baby. She was in my BS group a couple years ago and I got to hear about her engagement and chit chat about life as a newly wed. I was excited as I saw her baby bump grow over this past year. In a blink of an eye excitement over meeting her sweet baby was dashed and replaced with heartache. I can't imagine. Simply can not. This is when the rubber meets the road and I have to take it all in that God is Sovereign. Although He did not cause this, He allowed it. Sometimes that almost seems like a harder pill to swallow. He could have allowed this baby boy to live and yet He chose not to. He can choose to heal and yet sometimes the answer is no.

I guess tonight I'm struggling with the why. Why breath life into that child only to allow it to be taken away days before birth. What's the point in all of it? Why allow such needless heartache and pain? If I start there then why are any of us born? We have all had our share of heartache and pain. The Lord sees all and knows all and who am I to question? I was not there at the very beginning and I most certainly do not hold all things together in my hands. I completely don't understand tragedy like this but what I do know is that God is good all the time even when it doesn't feel like it.

I wish I could report that my neighbor went to ReGen tonight but unfortunately she chose not to come. I'm hoping there is a reason like last week why she is unable to go.

Overall I feel pretty discouraged today. It has resonated with me today that most recently I have been asking God to take away the difficulty instead of walking in it with me. I feel entitled to comfort and ease. I hate even writing this in light of everything today and another sweet family wondering if the cancer is back but this has been a challenging season. I want to be leaning in and walking side by side with The Lord. Unfortunately today I leaned right on into a gianormous bag of Halloween candy. That is so not what will fill the ache and longing in my soul. I know this yet like a dog who keeps returning to its own vomit...

Ezekiel 12:
Hard to read about God's justice tonight. I'm thankful that God is just and I know the justice being passed down to the Israelites is something that is no big surprise but it's still hard to read.

D

Sunday, November 03, 2013

DAY 1178: EZEKIEL 12

Tired but good tired. Another successful camping trip under our belts. Love camping as a group as it gives a sweet taste of communal living. It's awesome and if I was a kid I think it would be better than wonderful. Fun to be a homeschool nerd. 

My daughter started a fire this evening. Although at home I would not encourage such things she got it going from watching her dad start fires. Interesting illustration in some ways knowing our kids are watching us and learning for better and for worse. Fire can be such a wonderful thing but can also cause much chaos and devastation. Praying the fire we pass on to them illuminates more than it destroys. 

Feel like a turd again tonight. My sweet girl got hung up on wasps tonight's and was scared when we got home. Had such a sweet opportunity to snuggle with her but was focused on me. I wanted kids down, laundry started, a shower, this and bed. Snuggling with children was not on the list. Hate when I'm so short sighted. There are not many years left when that sweet girl is going to want to snuggle. I feel the years slipping away and my daily short sightedness robbing me of opportunity after opportunity. 

Ezekiel 12:
This verse has always been pretty powerful to me.

"Son of man, you are living among a rebellious people. They have eyes to see but do not see and ears to hear but do not hear, for they are a rebellious people. (Ezekiel 12:2 NIV)

For so long I lacked eyes that could see and ears that could hear. I know even now due to busyness, selfishness and other things my eyes fail to see and my ears fail to hear. I have a dear friend who particularly has eyes that see. God often speaks to her through what she can see. Although I think God speaks to each of His children differently I think I miss out on lots of things due to due to my own agenda and forgetting about why I was even created. When I keep it simple and focus on why I'm truly here the stresses and the worries of this world seem to just disappear and fade. I was created to glorify God. Nothing more and nothing less. What a beautiful and noble mission in life. I get so caught up on such silly temporal things. I want to be a better parent like God is. Even though so many things are silly and trivial God cares about them. Need to remember this as parent. I want to care about fear of wasps and every other thing under the sun that.

Not having eyes to see and ears to hear also explains the state of my kids when they are choosing to be rebellious. Some more than others just choose NOT to hear and not to see. 

Drifting off.....

D

Saturday, November 02, 2013

DAY 1177: EZEKIEL 12

Want to be out hanging out right now but I'm so insanely exhausted. A lot warmer last night thanks to a couple new sleeping bags and a space heater. Might be cheating with the space heater but better than being miserable.

Couple times today when I lost my cool. Tired kids plus tired mom is a terrific combination. Hate getting stressed (ever) but have to give myself grace for being human. It's hard having an itty bitty and a one armed hubs. In my flesh I hate things that are difficult. I believe life should be easy and even when it's not I should handle every situation as if it were. #realistic

Self reliance stomps my booty every time in hard situations. Leaning in and asking God for help in those moments is key. It doesn't make things easier but it helps my heart to respond the right way.

Ezekiel 12:
Read earlier but passing out too much to write. So sad wanted to sit around a camp fire which is one of my favorite things.

D

Friday, November 01, 2013

DAY 1176: EZEKIEL 11

Good day. Froze my buns off last night which lead to a three hour Walmart adventure today. Not exactly my ideal on a camping trip BUT I am wonderfully warm and toasty tonight and hopefully will be tomorrow night as well when it drops down into the low forties.

Love camping! So fun going with this wacky homeschool group. Greatness going in a group like this and greatness going with just our family. Yesterday Les mentioned that Bella will always have memories of going camping. I absolutely adore the thought of that.

Walking back from the bathroom tonight with my daughter couldn't help but be completely overcome by gratitude over all The Lord has given us. Hard not to be inspired simply from looking out at the night sky away from the light pollution. The stars are simply breathtaking. How wonderfully great is our God. Love being with Him in nature so very much.

Ezekiel 11 2nd half:
Love these verses. Only king James working tonight.

And I will give them one heart, and I will put a new spirit within you; and I will take the stony heart out of their flesh, and will give them an heart of flesh: That they may walk in my statutes, and keep mine ordinances, and do them: and they shall be my people, and I will be their God. (Ezekiel 11:19, 20 KJV)

So beautiful. I believe this is what The Lord has done for me!

Eyes shutting. Not much sleep in the meat locker last night .

D

DAY 1175: EZEKIEL 11

Sent email last night but darn phone didn't save my draft :(

Headed to the Walmart so I don't freeze again like last night. Obviously I'm not cut out for Fall camping. Next time I'll bring a snow suit.

Recap of last night:
I was a turkey and wish I could have redone the entire day. Hate not trusting God with my to do's and His wonderful provision. Should have prayer more about just holding up and staying home Thursday night. Today in glad we pushed through but not last night. So thankful God's grace is sufficient in my many shortcomings.

Here's the verse that stood out last night:
And you will know that I am the Lord, for you have not followed my decrees or kept my laws but have conformed to the standards of the nations around you." (Ezekiel 11:12 NIV)

May our family strive hard not to conform to the patterns of this world but rather love hard just like Jesus did.

Hoping my emails save from now on. Not sure they will go through till I get back. Hoping to not have to Walmart it up again tomorrow.

D