Friday, February 28, 2014

DAY 1290: DEUT 27-28

Sweet group of girls in our home tonight to celebrate my big 8 year old girl. So hard that she has flown through her little girl years so quickly but I love the girl she is growing up to be. Thankful for a friend who loves to craft who made decorations and was brave enough to hang with me tonight.

Got sideways with my hubs this morning. Pollen eating my brain, dealing with raw emotions and stress over getting our house party ready was not a good combination. Thankful to be reconciled and for a husband willing to extend grace and brave the Walmart.

This weekend is fair game for cheating and falling off the Paleo wagon. Dipped my toe in tonight and stomach not too thrilled. Tomorrow I'm throwing all caution to the wind and I hope I pay for it. Strange hope but I know overall eating this way is so much better for me.

Deut 27& 28:
Curses that will happen if the Israelites go astray and blessings if they obey.
Knowing what eventually happens it's crazy reading through the curses and knowing what is eventually going to go down. So sad. Lord help me not stray to the left or to the right.


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Thursday, February 27, 2014

DAY 1289: DEUT 20-26

Still feeling incredibly raw and vulnerable today. I do not regret anything that happened yesterday, especially last night but feeling naked especially since I cried in front of a group of men. Self preservation runs so thick within me. This is such a good look into that. It's not just self reliance I battle. Once again I'm gently reminded that "You don't have to be so strong" but I simply do not know how not to be. Feeling a bit lost this morning. It's not a bad lost but rather the kind that keeps me dependent on The Lord.

I don't know how to do this. Any of it really. I don't want to walk in the ways I was taught. I want a new map and a new way. I want the magic formula and what that formula is "walk with me". Lord help me walk with you instead of running in front or stopping to pick up shiny things.
Got the kid funk. Sore throat and painful sinuses. Ready to crash.

DEUT 20:
Rules for battle and yet again a reminder that The Lord will fight for Israel.

and shall say to them, 'Hear, O Israel, today you are drawing near for battle against your enemies: let not your heart faint. Do not fear or panic or be in dread of them, for the Lord your God is he who goes with you to fight for you against your enemies, to give you the victory.' (Deuteronomy 20:3, 4 ESV)

He is there and will never leave us alone.

DEUT 21:
Not a fan of this chapter. Taking a female captive to be a wife just seems barbaric and gross to me. Also, not sure why God didn't just forbid polygamy. Gross. This is where digging in would be greatly beneficial.

DEUT 22:
Another gross chapter. Some of the treatment of women seems pretty awful to me. I'm sure culture has a lot to do with it but still gross.

DEUT 23:
List of those who are to be excluded from the camp. Also rules basically for caring for and loving your fellow Israelite.

DEUT 24:
Laws pertaining to divorce and other mis laws. Love how God sets up laws to help the poor and needy.

DEUT 25:
More interesting and misc. laws.

DEUT 26:
Commands for the first tithe to be given to The Lord once possession of the promise land has been given.


DAY 1288: DEUT 18-19

So tired and so much to write about and so much to read.

Couple bullet points and then more tomorrow.
1. Conflict is hard but it is so good and so beautiful. Love how it can draw people even closer together. Thankful.

2. Still incredibly raw from my moms visit and it is oozing everywhere. Been in a funky emotional place and attributed it to hormones. Discouraging how out of touch I can still be with what's going on. Yet at the same time I was trained that negative emotion I felt was invalid and my fault. Bleh, bleh, bleh!!

3. My big girl turned eight today with more personal emotional drama than I expected. Turned out beautiful but dang wasn't expecting all that it churned up.

4. Feel like I could cry a river of tears. I hate how the pain can seem like a never ending well. I hate the stupid layers of the stupid onion. I know I will never "arrive" here on earth but it sure would be nice.

Tuesday, February 25, 2014

DAY 1287: DEUT 15-20

This will be quick. Have a million chapters to read and still have to get ready for birthday surprises for tomorrow. Can't believe my girl is 8. No time to get sappy and sentimental tonight. Maybe tomorrow.

Sweet hubs has pursued me about processing all that went down with my mom when she was was here. I personally wanted to go back to old patterns and sweep it under the rug. Felt false shame and guilt over it and frankly didn't want to rehash it. I had been able to get by without talking about it for several days but couldn't get out of it last night. Feel very loved by my hubs even though it was a painful talk. Need him to be my compass last night. Stinks to see mine is not completely put together yet. Probably need to set aside some time to journal about the recent mom and dad wounds The Lord has brought to my attention the last couple of weeks. Bleh. I'm so over it!

The Bit is turning out to be quite the pill. Big shocker. Hurting over my broken glider these days. Thankful for points that purchased another one. Now if it could only get here soon!! First world problem I know.

Tonight just going to read without writing. So hard to go at this fast a clip but gonna keep pressing on. I know it will yield great things in the end. Hard to do a drive thru on scripture though.


Monday, February 24, 2014

DAY 1286: DEUT 10-14

Was supposed to be up an hour ago. I know the good I ought to do but my body fights so hard against that.

DEUT 10:
More telling of the story of what happened in the wilderness and a call to serve only The Lord and obey his commands. I shouldn't but I find comfort in the fact that the Israelites were stubborn like me yet The Lord had compassion on them over and over again. The Israelites were God's chosen people not because they had been extra obedient but because they were God's. For better and worse they were His ragamuffin kids and nothing could stop His love for them. 

Circumcise therefore the foreskin of your heart, and be no longer stubborn. (Deuteronomy 10:16 ESV)

Lord do the heart surgery necessary so that I may know you more fully. 

DEUT 11:
Moses is doing such a great job giving the Israelites a send off. There is definitely a theme in these first five chapters.

Remember what The Lord has done.

This is important for all of us, in times of plenty and in times of want, we must remember all that The Lord has done for us. Really need to work on our family memorial stones. I want to be able to go back and recount everything that The Lord has done for us. It stirs our affections for Him and prepares our hearts for the times of wilderness.

I love how God set up big tangible ways for the Israelites to not only remember God but to have to put their trust in Him. There was no water or food in the wilderness so the Israelites were dependent on The Lord for their daily bread and provision. In this chapter The Lord tells the Israelites that He will provide water for their crops in they trusted in Him. I see this same thing of God desiring to offer this daily bread, His just enough and perfect provision. He beckons me to rely solely on Him. Yet I'm stubborn like the Israelites and want to provide for myself. I want to do it on my own. I'm like my two year old, no I do it! Often like that sweet two year old what I really need is the loving hand of my God to help me.

Today's big fat fail of the day was not eating until 2pm. I wasn't hungry this morning and we're out of easy go to stuff. A sweet friend came over and I was literally shocked when I looked up and it was 2pm. By then it was over, blood sugar low and ANGRY. Big time fail that could have easily been avoided. 

Excited to meet the newest member of our CG. Could have eaten her up and took much self control to not hold her and smoother her with kisses!! 

DEUT 12:
Israelites no longer required to slaughter every animal at the tabernacle. Israel is once again warned against idolatry. 

This verse stood out:
"Everything that I command you, you shall be careful to do. You shall not add to it or take from it. (Deuteronomy 12:32 ESV)

It has been the constant temptation to add to His word and take away. So hard to stay true. Lord help me to stay on the path with you. Give me wisdom and guidance to know what is truth and what is not so that I might walk in your ways. 

DEUT 13:
If anyone tries to convince another to serve another god he is to be stoned or if they city has gone astray and leading others that way they too are to be destroyed. Seems harsh but when I think about it, it's not harsh at all. Why shouldn't a person who is enticing others to go astray which leads to eternal damnation be put to death? The consequence of a person leading others astray is too great for the justice not to be swift and huge.

DEUT 14:
For you are a people holy to the Lord your God, and the Lord has chosen you to be a people for his treasured possession, out of all the peoples who are on the face of the earth. (Deuteronomy 14:2 ESV)

Chosen you as a treasured possession gets me every single time. 


Sunday, February 23, 2014

DAY 1285: DEUT 8-11

Really like this chapter. Lots of good stuff here.

Favorite verse of the chapter:
And he humbled you and let you hunger and fed you with manna, which you did not know, nor did your fathers know, that he might make you know that man does not live by bread alone, but man lives by every word that comes from the mouth of the Lord. (Deuteronomy 8:3 ESV)

Great reminders to abide and to not forget all that The Lord has done and is doing!

Ch 9:
Our own righteousness gets us nowhere. In this chapter Moses reminds the people of all the ways they rebelled against The Lord.

"Know, therefore, that the Lord your God is not giving you this good land to possess because of your righteousness, for you are a stubborn people. Remember and do not forget how you provoked the Lord your God to wrath in the wilderness. From the day you came out of the land of Egypt until you came to this place, you have been rebellious against the Lord. (Deuteronomy 9:6, 7 ESV)


Saturday, February 22, 2014

DAY 1284: DEUT 6-7

Pretty good day. Fun times outside at a park with community. I feel kinda bleh though and slightly off today with the hubs. Lower back hurting, craving chocolate like crazy and as bloated as Violet Beauregarde so have a hunch it's Gretchen getting ready to fall off the roof. Oh Eve!

Deut 6 & 7:
Really want to do a word study on these first seven chapters. Lots of repeating of words and phrases. Obey so that it will go well with you and steadfast love keeps popping up for me. I totally thought God was just trying to rip me off and be a cosmic killjoy for a long time. I hope my kids understand that obedience truly is for us. It protects us and keeps us from harms way. It goes well with us when we choose to walk in obedience. God help me to obey. I can be so rebellious. I trust and your rules but it's still hard to do the good I ought to.


DAY 1283: DEUT 5

Well it's past 12am and my baby girl is officially 6 months and my biggest girl is four days away from turning 8. Can't handle it! Time passes by so incredibly quickly. Once Lilly is sitting by herself I want to freeze each of my kiddos exactly where they are. I know in the long run that would stink but really loving the stages my kids are in. I could do without the delayed whining that showed up in a really cute four year old but other than that such fun stuff going on in our house.

Really noticing a huge change in the way my oldest son and I are interacting. Been praying for compassion for him and that God would grow our relationship. Totally working. Although my heart is not always filled with compassion towards his attitude I've been able to treat him that way even when delivering consequences and it's gone much better. "It's your kindness Lord that leads us to repentance." So true. Really see that kid trying.

Things "better" with my mom. No fighting but nothing really resolved either. The reality is that it probably won't ever get be resolved.

Trying to stay focused but the realization that birthday chaos of 2014 is about to hit full swing is distracting me tonight. Three birthdays in the span of nine days. OY!

DeUT 5:
Retelling of the Ten Commandments and how those came about to the Israelites.

This verse is so hard to walk out:

You shall be careful therefore to do as the Lord your God has commanded you. You shall not turn aside to the right hand or to the left. (Deuteronomy 5:32 ESV)

God help me not turn aside. Without you it's impossible for me not to.


Thursday, February 20, 2014

DAY 1282: DEUT 1-4

Today I'm thankful for the prayers of the saints. Felt and appreciated. My mom and I got into a fight this morning. I believe I remained relatively calm without yelling but I could be wrong. I know I lacked a respectful tone and my actions were less than loving. This verse kept me from escalating things and trying to fight.

The Lord will fight for you, and you have only to be silent." (Exodus 14:14 ESV)

I no longer feel like I have to defend myself or even have a response to things that are incredibly hurtful and just plain not true.

Today boiled down to just not thinking and letting down my guard. I've prayed about owning my part and asking for forgiveness and how to do that but honestly don't know how to do that without pouring gasoline on a raging fire. Will continue to pray about that and totally open to God showing up and giving me words to say. Thankful to have compassion and trying to keep my pride in check. So not easy.

Heart hurting a bit but not surprised. We were due a fight anyway. It is good to see her playing with the kids. They do love her and have had a blast spending time with her. It is sad that I get to stay at surface level with my mom. I hope The Lord will continue to grow and convict my heart so that as my girls grow to be women that value the wisdom I have to pass down, not because I'm great but because so much of me has decreased.

DEUT 1-4:
The Lord your God who goes before you will himself fight for you, just as he did for you in Egypt before your eyes, (Deuteronomy 1:30 ESV)


You shall not fear them, for it is the Lord your God who fights for you.' (Deuteronomy 3:22 ESV)

Weird. See a theme here :)

Four chapters filled with recap.


Wednesday, February 19, 2014

DAY 1281: NUMBERS 33-36

Numbers 33:
The Lord has Moses recount their travels in this chapter. Again a chart of each place and what happened there would be helpful. One day I really will. Totally inspired to tear apart each and every passage. I want to know the bible like Piper knows the bible. He knows it well because he's dined in it and studied it and fallen madly in love with it. God give me unquenchable desire to be in your Word and Lord will you give me the wisdom to carve away the time to do so. It feels like there is no time but I know that you can find lost time and multiply what is there.

These verses foreshadow what is going to happen in Canaan.
But if you do not drive out the inhabitants of the land from before you, then those of them whom you let remain shall be as barbs in your eyes and thorns in your sides, and they shall trouble you in the land where you dwell. And I will do to you as I thought to do to them." (Numbers 33:55, 56 ESV)

They don't end up driving out all the inhabitants and it totally bites them in the rear. They are so easily wooed by the false gods of the land. I too am so easily wooed. The ache of not being with my Father can be so huge at times and I reach for anything that is accessible to fill that void instead of just sitting at His feet. My love is so very fickle.

Numbers 34:
God gives the people the boundaries of the Promise Land and Moses names leaders who will help divide the land when the time comes.
Today it has struck me how stinkpotish the tribe of Dan and Gad were. They settled in a land that wasn't promised to them by The Lord. They saw good land and I'm sure it seemed much easier to just settle their. How often do I settle for something that looks good when God has so much more to offer me? The answer is daily. Daily I choose counterfeit gods instead of approaching my Father who so patiently waits for me. Daily and in life Lord help me not settle for something that appears good instead of being willing to inherit your best for me. You are so good and so faithful!

I love how beautiful conflict can be. It is never pleasant while right in the middle of it but love how The Lord uses it for His glory.

Things going well with my mom. Thankful. Working the Paleo diet has been helpful in alleviating stress over figuring out what to feed her. She can eat everything we can and is enjoying it. Thankful! Kids are loving having her here too.

Numbers 35:
Instruction for setting aside cities and pastureland for the Levites. This chapter also has rules for the cities of refuge. Very interesting stuff in here I'd love to pick apart.

Numbers 36:
Instruction for marriage of female heirs. Big deal for land to stay within a tribe.


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Tuesday, February 18, 2014

DAY 1280: Numbers 31-32

Numbers 31:
War is such a difficult thing. The Lord tells Moses to exact vengeance on the Midianites who wanted to curse to Israelites. They slaughter all the males except the children and brought back all the Midianites livestock, women and children as plunder. Moses commands them to kill all the boys and all the women who are not virgins. I'm not quite sure why The Lord didn't have them kill everyone. The women wouldn't be the ones to grow up and desire to get vengeance BUT they could grow up and lead the Israelite men astray by idol worship.

I wonder how Moses felt about all this especially since his wife and father in law were Midianites. Yet he was obedient.

It just occurred to me that Moses must have struggled with anger. He has time to work it out while in Midian but it was still there and came out when he struck the rock twice. I don't know why but the knowledge of that is comforting to this momma who indeed struggles with anger. God is faithful to grow and to change us.
I wanted to go to bed hours ago. My mom in town and it's good having her here. I was determined to not grump at the kids trying to clean up the house. Did did have a harsh tone with my oldest when I discovered she turned on the hose which mud pit that her brother got into and tracked mud into the house. Other than that just tried to trust that God would provide. He did through my hubs who came home for a couple hours because he had to work tonight. Sweet provision!

Going to try to read these last two chapters without passing out. In all authenticity not completely the ReEngage homework action item this week. With Linger, pneumonia and my mom there just wasn't any time to do it.

Number 32:
Reuben and Gad choose to take land not inside the promise land. They promise to help fight.

Can't keep eyes open...


Monday, February 17, 2014

DAY 1279: Numbers 23-30

Love my Lilly alarm. Clockwork 6:30. I should probably get up even earlier but until I hear differently my Lilly alarm it will be. Love how I get to pray through waking up . It's so hard fully waking up and engaging but God wants to help me even in that. Beautiful.

Still churning over numbers 21. The Israelites approached battle fearlessly with no grumbling yet they grumbled over the food and how long it was taking. It took along time because of their sin! Maybe just maybe after the entering the promise land debacle they learned God will fight for them. Who knows? Maybe like me the battles are easy to trust yet the daily trials are difficult.

I don't like the just enough provision daily. I want rushing rivers of it so that it's easy. I crave ease and comfort so that I might do it on my own. Why did you give me these kids God? I can't do this! I'm not equipped!! A mountain of laundry might just crush and kill one of my kids. Maybe in my crying out about my lack of ability God is hurt that I care more about my self sufficiency than walking everyday with Him. "I gave you those kids, they are a blessing and I'm using them to draw you into a deep abiding relationship with me. In doing so they too will get to see first hand what that looks like." May I choose not to continue to walk in the ways of the Israelites desiring ease and comfort more than dependence upon God in the day to day.

Really itching to dig deep and really tear apart the text I'm reading but there is simply no time. Next year. Love how God is growing that deep desire to really feast on His Word. He has been so faithful to fan that flame of desire and love to read His word. The longer passages this year have been difficult for me. I don't think reading thru the bible in a year has become legalistic. Really want that broad overview so that the digging in will make a lot more sense. Maybe money for Logos will fall from the sky by next year.

Numbers 23:
Balak does not get it! He is so desperate to have the Israelites cursed that he misses the opportunity to be humble, repent and walk with The Lord. Just as I often cling to my idol of self reliance he clings to his false God Chemosh. He knows deep down Chemosh is not enough or else he wouldn't have requested Balaam to curse the Israelites. May I not cling to my idols stubbornly Lord. May I remember who you are and that you can do!

Numbers 24:
The Israelites submerged into an alien culture begin to turn away from God and worship Baal. There are so many gods to worship in America. Help me to be in this world yet not be swayed by what's in it. May I worship like a pilgrim knowing that this place is not my home.

Numbers 26:
Census taken. Would love to go back and compare numbers from the last census.

Already a crazy wonderful day. Sweet neighbor came over and will continue to come over on Monday's to be discipled. It was sweet to tell her that I've never discipled anyone in this capacity before and that have her peace as she was nervous. Praying that our home and our friendship will be a safe haven and even more importantly that her relationship with Christ will be. Thankful for this opportunity. Shepherding is something I love to do so getting my feet wet in actually discipling someone will be great. So thankful it's my sweet neighbor.

Called my mom today and my stepdad answer. I was rude at first but had an opportunity to ask for forgiveness for being rude and then was able to tell him I forgive him . I feel as if I've forgiven him years ago BUT every time I heard his voice I would be taken back to such a bad place. I would regress to a scared broken little girl desperate for the love and affection from a father. Maybe it's because he sounds so old a feeble I had nothing but compassion. I do need to sit down and send him a note but at least I was able to say you are forgiven. There was no manipulation on his end but listening. So thankful. My heart is still raw from this weekend at realizing that my daddy wounds are still very much real and painful and cause fierce self reliance but thankful for the place The Lord has taken me to. He is so faithful.
Numbers 27:
The Lord takes Moses up on a mountain so that he might view the promise land. Moses then commissions Joshua to take his place. In some ways I think it harsh that Moses didn't get to enter the promise land BUT a leader has a huge responsibility.

Numbers 28:
More rules about offerings.

Numbers 29;
Offering requirements for the festivals that the Israelites are commanded to observe. Need to make a chart of the different offerings some day!

Numbers 30:
The law regarding men and vows and women and vows. Very interesting. I can see the protection The Lord desired to place on women. I think in the past a passage like this would have gotten all up in my feminist beliefs. Thankful to be able to embrace how God made man and woman different and the different roles He designed for each of them.


Sunday, February 16, 2014

DAY 1278: Numbers 21-22

My sweet Lilly alarm went off like clockwork this morning. Desired to get this done first thing but two precious girls were ready to get the party started early in the morning. I felt like I lingered well today but I know the challenge will be as the days wear on. The daily task of caring for these kiddos and trying to keep our household at least afloat is much more than I am equipped for. I'm so thankful for that as I desire to want to take hold of it well so that I can operate out of my own strength. My spirit loves that I can't do this, my flesh hates it.

Rocking a sweet Bit. Really want to savor these hard days and not focus on the wreck of a house I live in and be okay being interrupted every five seconds while trying to get the smallest task accomplished. The dishes and laundry and filth will always be here but these kiddos will not. God help me not loose sight of the precious ones in serving over the actual serving. As with you Lord, let me not get lost in serving you and completely miss you in the process. God I get so frustrated by the constant distractions may I not see the precious children you have given me as distractions. Help me to trust you for daily provision so that I can boldly pour myself out day after day. This is the hardest most rewarding thing I have ever done Lord. Without you right beside me I'm sunk. I thank you that the anger started oozing out at kid four. It was there all along I just needed a good squeeze for it to come out. I rejoice that I can now offer that up to you Lord.
Fired up for friends tonight who got to meet their daughter tonight. Story is so incredibly sweet. Oh how I love His plans!!!

Still raw from this weekend. Stuff to still unpack but exhaustion is taking over. It was such a refreshing weekend but I did get my butt kicked all weekend long. Resist the devil and he will flee though.

Thankful for a day spent walking with The Lord. Prone to wander Lord I feel it. I thank you that you are ever so faithful to draw me back.

Numbers 21-22
So many interesting things in these chapters but can't keep my eyes open to comment.


DAY 1277: Numbers 19-20

I'm exhausted from lingering. So very thankful for the gift of this weekend. Wasn't sure what to expect but it was what I needed. Faced with a lot of my depravity this weekend in light of a holy and loving God. I wept tonight during the last worship set and wished it would go on forever. Beautifully broken before my King. One day it will go on forever. I can't wait.

Unfortunately feel either too undone or tired to fully process tonight.

Numbers 19:
Laws for purification. So thankful the veil was torn!

Numbers 20:
Lots going on in this chapter. The Israelites once again grumble that they do not have water. God shows up and tells Moses to strike a rock with his staff. Moses gathers everyone and strikes the rock twice.

This is God's response:
God said to Moses and Aaron, "Because you didn't trust me, didn't treat me with holy reverence in front of the People of Israel, you two aren't going to lead this company into the land that I am giving them." (Numbers 20:12 MSG)

This seems so incredibly harsh but to much is given much is expected. Aaron dies in this chapter and Eleazar his son takes over.


Friday, February 14, 2014

DAY 1276: Numbers 17-18

Sitting in the Linger room at the Linger Conference. Overwhelmed by the blessing of this experience. The very thing I struggled with yesterday was addressed first thing. God tried to tell me yesterday as I sat and poured it all out at an unclogged sink. He told me I love you, you don't need to perform for me. Yet yesterday I couldn't get over feeling like a total failure. I keep wanting to achieve this standard of perfect and I'll never ever meet it. I'm a total and complete failure and instead of trying to run from that I need to embrace it. His blood poured over every single one of my failures. The knowledge of this is sometimes too great for me.

Lord that you that this is too much for me. May it always be that way. May I not rejoice in my strengths but rather my weaknesses. It's those that keep me tied and tethered to you. Teach me how to walk with you. My fierce independence has served me well in some ways yet in the area of walking with you it is my biggest stumbling block.

Lord help me not make my children an idol. May I fully trust in your Sovereignty and the path you have set for them. I feel like I fail them daily. I heap performance on them, shame and guilt and all my other junk day in and day out. I so desperately want them to know the joy of walking with you. May my heart be an overflow of walking with you. I'm so ill equipped Lord but you are so faithful. May I rejoice in my weakness and their weaknesses. May I rejoice in the weakness of my friends. May it draw each of us closer to you.  
The word ABIDE was repeated frequently today. It's been a word for me and the theme for the Nest next year. We all want the formula, myself included, and it's simple. Abide. So thankful for this time.

On another silly note can't believe I got to hear Piper first hand. I know he's just a man and frankly Judy Wimberely does the same thing for me. A life full of abiding with Christ. May I ooze Christ like that as the years fly by. I will blink and I'll be on the last stretch of this journey. May I walk with God all the remaining days of my life. God help me to abide, help me to walk with you. It truly is my greatest desire and yet it is oh so hard. 

Loved hearing about how challenging it is to linger and to be doers of the Word. Balance is so so hard. Thankful that Jesus is the perfect balance. 

Convicted more than ever that I must get up early so that I might abide. Not in bed up but up. Lilly keeps waking me up at 6:30 and I nurse her back to and stay in bed. I must physically rise. Out of bed to meet with my King. 

Heard a panel and one of the guys was a writer. Refreshing to hear that it's the writing, the pouring out through written words that moves him closer to Christ. This writing, this oozing of the joy and the pain, the struggles has forever changed me. 

Numbers 17:
Aaron's staff blossoms. The people wanted to be their own leader and rebelled. God answers by gathering a staff for each tribe and the next day Aaron's blossomed and bore fruit. The very same Aaron who created a golden calf for the Israelites to worship is confirmed as a leader of Israel, the leader amongst the tribe of Levi. The Aaron who he himself rebelled against Moses. Oh how His grace abounds. Oh how Aaron had been the thorn in Moses side and yet he is still chosen. We too are chosen. In our gross sin He chose us and continues to choose us regardless that we will never meet the standard of perfection. Truly mind blowing. 

This verse caught my eye the most:
And the people of Israel said to Moses, "Behold, we perish, we are undone, we are all undone. (Numbers 17:12 ESV)

May I be undone. May being face to face cause me to be undone. May it keep me humble, preventing me from boasting about anything that The Lord has done. Lord may my sin cause me to be undone. Create a new heart in me yet continually search it and reveal to me all the areas that continue to need work. Help me not grovel in shame and guilt but rather may it cause me to praise you all the more. Your love is great and your mercy is as vast as the seas. Help me to see fully who I truly am, and remind me of who I am because of you. 

Numbers 18:
Love how God sets apart the Levites. They are a gift to The Lord and their priesthood is a gift to the Israelites. The Lord gives strict rules and instructions for them to follow. The priesthood is not to be taken lightly. 

We are a royal priesthood.

But you are a chosen race, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people for his own possession, that you may proclaim the excellencies of him who called you out of darkness into his marvelous light. Once you were not a people, but now you are God's people; once you had not received mercy, but now you have received mercy. (1 Peter 2:9, 10 ESV)

Lord may I be a doer of your word. May my life be a living sacrifice. May my lips be unable to contain your excellencies. May I boast only in you and the cross. May I not take lightly my role as a priestess in your royal priesthood. May I desire to be holy like you are holy. May I rest and abide in you. 

Thank you for the incredible blessing of today. Thank you that Lilly cooperated for the majority of today. Thank you for an opportunity to step out of the chaos temporarily so that my cup can be filled. Help me to wake and get my sleepy buns out of bed. Lord I so desperately want to know you more. Help me become the woman I desire to be, your woman God.


Thursday, February 13, 2014

DAY 1275: Numbers 13-16

Ran errands with offspring and oh so difficult with a baby who does not like to be worn all the time. Now mind you she wants to be held but not worn. Oy! Today was fine but doing anything with six extra people with their own agenda is no cake walk.

Although today wasn't horrible by any means I felt very ill equipped today. One thing is for certain I need to shut my mouth more. Idle threats, external processing, shaming, controlling, manipulating junk. Again I feel very ill equipped tonight. I wish I could be better for my hubs, my kids, friends, neighbors, world. Definitely spiraling a bit today. Glad I'm at least able to recognize it.

Today in the midst of my own battle with life and shame and guilt The Lord unclogged our kitchen sink. I know it sounds nuts but I truly think it was Him and He wanted me to know how much He loves me. He talks to one of my friend 'a thru hearts and He talks to me through unclogged plumbing. I got to poor it all out as I did the dishes. It was good but didn't last long. Tonight / today just didn't go as planned and I'm mourning the loss of the fun and memory making I wanted it to be. Since today wasn't magical I feel like a turdish failure. I should know better by now.

I did get to see a sweet friend today that I don't often get to see. That and The Lord unclogging my sink was the highlight of today by far.

Numbers 13:
Moses sends out 12 spies to check out the land . Only Caleb comes back confident that the Israelites could put the hurt on the Nephilim. Love Caleb's spunk to have spoken up so boldly despite all the other Debbie Downers. Lord help me to grow so bold and my children as well.

Numbers 14:
This chapter is so painful. Oh how stiff necked the Israelites are. Lord I so want to point fingers and think I'm better than your people but I know I'm just as guilty of grumbling and complaining. Help me not complain about the abundant blessings that you have given me.

Numbers 15:
Laws about sacrifices and unintentional sin. A man found gathering sticks on the Sabbath is stoned to death. The Lord means business about this day of rest.

And it shall be a tassel for you to look at and remember all the commandments of the Lord, to do them, not to follow after your own heart and your own eyes, which you are inclined to whore after. (Numbers 15:39 ESV)

Lord help me not follow after my own heart and my own eyes.

Numbers 16:
Do not mess with a man of God! Oh pride how far you cause us to fall. Lord help make me humble like Moses and love your people the way that he did.


Wednesday, February 12, 2014

DAY 1274: Numbers 9-12

So tired. Tried to do this earlier but two cute baby girls were not having it. One is still not having it.

Numbers 9:
Love the image of the presence of The Lord being in a cloud over the Tabernacle and the Israelites knowing exactly when to set out. I don't have a cloud to follow but if abide in The Lord He will also go before me if I'm willing to listen to His voice. Lord help me to abide in you. The formula to this life is so easy and yet it is so difficult to sit and rest in you. I'm so prone to wander. Teach me how to take every one of my steps with you.

Numbers 10:
Need to get some trumpets for BrownTown.

Numbers 11:
This chapter is loaded but too tired to stay here too long. The people of Israel complain because they miss meat and the other foods that were available in Egypt. They continually want to be put back in chains despite the fact that The Lord went to great lengths to rescue them.

Numbers 12:
Miriam and Aaron oppose Moses and The Lord gives Mirjam leprosy for 7 days.


Tuesday, February 11, 2014

DAY 1273: Numbers 5-8

Something is making my allergies go nuts and I have a pinched nerve or something in my neck. (Insert tiny violin playing sad sad music.) 

Lots weighing on me today. Friends hurting and the weight of this broken world and what my kids will probably have to face. Today it did occur to me how limited satan is at causing chaos. It's the same song maybe just a different verse. There's not a whole lot of diversity in his schemes and definitely no creativity.  He tries to slam each of us with the disease of terminal uniqueness though. 

I'm a little flabbergasted at how the Sermon on the Mount is coming alive to me. Now more than ever I'm seeing exactly how God's Word is mighty weapon and how it lives and breathes and possess so much power. The verses on anger have come alive to me today.

You have heard that it was said to those of old, you shall not murder, and whoever murders will be liable to judgement. BUT I say to you that everyone who is angry with his brother will be liable to judgement , whoever insults his brother will be liable to the council and whoever says you fool will be liable to the hell of fire. So if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar and go. First be reconciled to your brother and then come and offer your gift . 

There is nothing wrong with being angry but if in my anger I act as ruler and judge then I am guilty and bring judgement upon myself. When I  consider all the sin The Lord has forgiven me for, who am I to turn the tables on a brother or sister or nonbeliever and expect then to perform at a higher standard than I am able to achieve myself. If I was to run all the offenses that are done to me through that framework it's impossible not to extend forgiveness and grace. This is not to say that our hurts should not be addressed in an attempt to reconcile relationship. I know often in my anger I put myself on a pedestal and think myself better than thinking with a sober and humble spirit. My worship of self gets in the way of forgiveness, grace and love. I think myself better than my brother or sister. How can I possibly approach His throne when I have become the woman whose debt has been paid and yet refuses to let my brother or sister off the hook. 
Allergies stomping me. Guess Paleo isn't the magic bullet. I do think either gluten or dairy or both messes with me. Overall feel better. Probably need to do more tweaking and eliminate more foods like nuts, eggs, tomatoes, ect to see if any of those are offenders. Poop! Love how my body is falling apart. Oh sin!

Numbers 5:
 I have to be honest this chapter gets all up in my man hate. Basically if a husband is jealous of his wife he can take her to the tabernacle and bring an offering and she can be made to drink water that will cause her great pain if she is indeed an adulterous or will clear her name if she is not. I know she has the opportunity to confess but there's nothing that's reciprocal if a woman expects her husband of being an adulterer. It also seems that a jealous husband besides being out some grain can come drag his wife down to the tabernacle and continually accuse her without having to deal with his own sin.

It's hard not to be angry about these verses:
"This is the law in cases of jealousy, when a wife, though under her husband's authority, goes astray and defiles herself, or when the spirit of jealousy comes over a man and he is jealous of his wife. Then he shall set the woman before the Lord, and the priest shall carry out for her all this law. The man shall be free from iniquity, but the woman shall bear her iniquity." (Numbers 5:29-31 ESV)

Will have to investigate this later but until then I just have to trust that God is good. I know He is good and He is just and this is not to condemn. Hard not to read some of this through my own filter of pain.

Numbers 6:
Instructions for a Nazarite vow. At the end of this chapter Aaron is instructed on how to bless the people of Israel. This was said at the end of service when I was young and I loved hearing it because it meant church was over.

Numbers 7:
List of what each tribe gave at the consecration of the tabernacle. This verse kinda cool.

And when Moses went into the tent of meeting to speak with the Lord, he heard the voice speaking to him from above the mercy seat that was on the ark of the testimony, from between the two cherubim; and it spoke to him. (Numbers 7:89 ESV)

Verses like this sometimes seem almost too awesome to be true. 

Numbers 8:
The cleansing of the Levites in preparation for service. God is serious about His holiness.


Monday, February 10, 2014

DAY 1272: Deuteronomy 1-4 I Mean Numbers 1-4

Never thought I'd write this but kinda sad to be out of Leviticus already. It is such a beautiful reminder that God is Holy, that He desires us to be Holy as well and that we should approach His throne with the honor and reverence that He deserves. We are living in some crazy times for our country. We look more like a pagan country than probably ever before. God set up His law not only to remind His people of who He was but to set them apart from the pagan nations that they were about to be surrounded by. I can't help but think about these verses and see their importance even greater than I did before.

I appeal to you therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship. Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect. (Romans 12:1, 2 ESV)

Huge deal to bring a sacrifice before The Lord. You could not bring just any ole stuff laying around. It had to be the cream of the crop and the best of the best. How much do I taint my living sacrifice due to the junk I ingest. This culture is crazy but how much am I setting myself apart and how much am I partaking in the moral decay?

I think at times I embrace Christian freedom and grace and as Leviticus said it so well go whoring around and worshipping things that ought not be worshipped. Do I really understand the cost of my sin? I don't desire to heap on shame and guilt but I don't want to cheapen the grace I've been given either. Leviticus has been such a sobering chapter to me this time around. To be in the world, to love others as Christ loves them and yet not be of the world is not an easy balance. I think we've been fooled that in order to be relevant we have to partake in the chaos and sin of our culture. May my hubs and I life our lives as living sacrifices to God, holy and pleasing, so that our kids understand what it means to walk with Christ. May they understand that there is no substitute that will bring them greater joy or peace.

Deut 1:
In this chapter it's painfully obvious how self reliance, disobedience and lack of trust can lead to some pretty awful consequences. The Israelites were 11 days from entering the Promised Land yet their lack of faith and trust in all that The Lord can do hindered them and the consequence would be 40 years of wandering in the desert.

The Israelites sent spies into the land to spy the best direction to go into the Promised Land. Seems like a harmless plan but The Lord was with them and surely would lead them on which direction to go if they had only remained and asked. Again and again I see where reliance gets all of us into some really crazy situations. God so desires for us to walk WITH Him and yet it is so incredibly difficult. Walking with The Lord is a day in and day out struggle. Trusting His promises for what they really are is a constant struggle. God help me to walk by faith and boldly listen to your promises and what you have called us to without getting wrapped up in what I can see or what this world says is true.

So much from today but first things first. Sweet friend and her hubs offered me a Linger ticket with free childcare. I'm pretty flabbergasted by it all. If I'm honest part of me wants to say no because I feel unworthy of such a gift. My desire to hear John Piper bring it overruled my feelings of unworthiness. Thankful and mouth still hanging wide open from all of it.

Sweet time this morning soaking up Romans 12. Got to sit around women who remind me so much of the body of Christ in action. Everyone with different gifting and passion and together accomplishing something awesome. It's truly beautiful. Thankful for each of those women and thankful for time today to dive into scripture. Oh how His Word is active and living and oh so powerful. Miss teaching on it. It's odd but there's almost an ache to do so.

Reminded today to be faithful where I am. Been given an amazing opportunity to teach six wonderful kids and hopefully disciple a woman on my street. Lord continue to teach me to be faithful exactly where I am. My hubs has done such a great job displaying faithfulness over the years even when it's been extremely difficult. Thankful for the ways he has lead out in that area.

Just realized I'm supposed to be in Numbers NOT Deuteronomy. That's what I get for waking up and trying to start this first thing. :)

Numbers 1:
God orders Moses to take a census of the men aged. 20 and up and able to fight in battle. It's crazy to see in actual numbers how huge God had grown His people while they were in Egypt. That is a lot of people to have to lead and direct. In terms of fighting other countries though I imagine there numbers didn't quite stack up. An entire nation mobile and wandering through the desert. What an awesome sight that must have been! Love how unconventional God can be and how His point A to point B is never the quickest route. He is much more concerned about the journey then about getting to the destination quickly.

Numbers 2:
Order and detail. This is a huge number of people and yet The Lord gives direction on exactly where they are to camp and which order they shall set out when moving. If God is gracious to give Moses these orders I know God will be gracious in helping us gain order in our home as well. Thankful that The Lord is not a God of chaos.

Numbers 3:
The Levites are counted males aged 1 month and up. They are given their duties that they are to perform. Instead of taking the first born of the Israelites The Lord takes the Levites and the first born males are to pay a redemption price of five shekels per head. This is the kind of stuff I would love to study on and know more about.

Numbers 4:
God has certain tribes and clans numbered even more, males aged 30 to. 50 who could do service at the tabernacle. There roles and how things should be packed up and carried are listed out. Again order and detail reign. God is very specific and desires His rules to be followed. He is a Holy God and the tabernacle and it's meaning is not to be taken lightly. Huge role to be in service at the tabernacle or as protector of it.


Sunday, February 09, 2014

DAY 1271: LEVITICUS 24-27

Thankful for some time out of the house with my big and small. Definitely think my niche for serving in kids ministry is to pour into the leaders. Serving every week makes that much more doable too. Finished the day off with dinner with friends.

Self reliance has kicked in this week with a poor hubs down for the count. Hate how easily I switch into that mode. It is for sure my go to mechanism and causes chaos in my relationship with God and my hubs. Need to figure out how to hunker down for a long one without marching along solo and walled up.

Leviticus 24:
Kind of a hardcore chapter. The section on eye for an eye seems so harsh but understandable. Stoning will never be an easy thing to grasp. Sounds just awful.

Lev 25:
Trying to read with a wiggly singing toddler makes comprehension interesting. This chapter has year of jubilee, the 7th year of resting fields and redeeming land, ect. Love the idea of resting fields every seventh year.

Lev 26:
This chapter is a description of blessing for obedience and the punishment for disobedience. Total foreshadowing of what will happen to Judah and Israel after they turn away from God and continue to remain stiff necked despite all the warning God gives them.

Lev 27:
This chapter is the rules on offering a vow to The Lord.


Saturday, February 08, 2014

DAY 1270: LEVITICUS 21-23

Excited about my minions falling asleep so I can go to bed. Such a MeeMaw. Got a few hours out of the house celebrating a friends 30th. Needed that time more than I could have possibly imagined. Good conversation and opportunity to meet new faces. Good times.

I then took the kids to Costco on a Saturday after bad weather. That was probably one of the worst ideas EVER! Not sure I've ever seen it that crowded before and Lilly decided she hated the Ergo the entire time. My hubs thinks it took four hours and I believe him. The good news is if we can get through that kind of ordeal alive then we can get through anything together as a family.

Pizza and Olympics tonight. Good times. The Olympics were so magical to me as a kid. So fun to be able to share them with my kiddos.

Uh oh. Two kiddos complaining of a messed up tummy. Could be a fun night.

Leviticus 21:
List of who priests can marry, what they can and can't do and the types of things that would exclude them from approaching the altar or going through the veil.

Leviticus 22:
Regulations on who could eat the holy things. Regulations on what is acceptable for sacrifice.

Leviticus 23:
Festivals that should be observed and how they should be observed.



Friday, February 07, 2014

Re: DAY 1269: PSALM 100

My heart has been so cloudy today. So incredibly gross. Such a great reminder that nothing good lives in me, not a single thing, apart from Christ. Thankful for grace and thankful soon I will be able to crawl my tired grumpy booty to bed.

Psalm 100:
For the Lord is good; his steadfast love endures forever, and his faithfulness to all generations. (Psalm 100:5 ESV)



Thursday, February 06, 2014

DAY 1268: LEVITICUS 18-20

I was a grumpy beast yesterday. Since plans were thrown out the window I was left without one which turned disastrous with a house full of people with cabin fever. I'm thankful for Gods provision to keep one of us well enough to keep things moving along but feeling off for sure.

I'm thankful that His mercies are new every morning. I think Little Miss Reflux has outgrown her meds and that is what has made her extra needy the past couple weeks. We are back to back arching and fussing. Kinda bummed Paleo hasn't been the magic cure for her. It very well could be she has a sensitivity to eggs. Not brave enough to pull that plug just yet to find out though. Maybe later once hubster is back on his feet. Either way I'm hoping an increased dose or different med will render my arms free at least for a few parts of the day.

Leviticus 18:
This chapter is a list of unlawful sexual relations. It's gross reading over these but mans depravity can be so awful. I hate how satan has taken something beautiful and a gift and twisted it into something so awful and hurtful.

I read this list and think well duh of course you are not supposed to do any of those things. Why do I know that though? My moral compass comes from what I've learned from God's Word. The people who lived in the promise land before the Israelites practiced all kinds of sexual debauchery. The Lord said it was so vile that the land vomited them out. He warns the people of Israel to follow his rules so that the same will not happen to them.

I fear in America we have only just begun the downward slope. We have great heights left to fall. Buckle up it's going to be a wild ride.

So thankful for the snow today. Wish we lived where it snowed a bit more.

Leviticus 19:
This chapter continues to drive home the heart of the Ten Commandments with a few other rules and regulations thrown in. So hard not to camp here and dig into every law that isn't obvious.

Leviticus 20:
Punishment for child sacrifice and sexual sin. It's reinforced again that God wants Israel to be set apart from the other nations. His laws are to protect them and to set them apart.


Wednesday, February 05, 2014

DAY 1267: LEVITICUS 16-17

Thought I'd go ahead and knock this out even though some might not consider this Wednesday yet. Technically it is a new day but some of you wild ones would still be up calling this Monday still.

Nothing gets you moving quite like trying to catch puke in a bowl. Another sick kiddo and laying next to the Bit her stomach seems to be going nuts. Can hear my sweet hubs wheezing too. We are quite the mess right now. Thankful for overall good health for this crew and great medical care. We are indeed blessed.

Thinking about a sweet baby in the hospital tonight who is fighting with pneumonia as well. That poor kid has been through the wringer. God heal his sweet little body and please give daily provision for his momma and the rest of his family.

Leviticus 16:
Instructions for observing the once a year day of atonement. Here the scapegoat comes into play. All of this is incredibly fascinating. I don't understand all the meaning behind all the commands God has given regarding the rituals that are to be performed but I know they have much meaning for God is not a random God but rather deliberate in all that He does.
Letting the kids "exercise" by playing just dance. Thankful for the gift of busy children and not being so darn legalistic about my screen rules to let my kids gorge a bit on screen time when cabin fever sets in.

Leviticus 17:
The first half of this chapter God explains that any cattle, sheep, goat ect that is killed must be first presented to The Lord as a peace offering. The fat is burned and blood poured on the altar. If you want burgers for dinner you had to plan ahead and make sure to bring that cow to sacrifice to The Lord first. I believe a portion was kept for the priests and the rest returned to the offerer IF a peace offering. Honestly hard to keep up and making a chart at some point would be helpful. Really nerdy but I really want the Tabernacle model I found online. What's happening to me? Next thing I know I'll be asking for a Jesus action figure for my birthday. :)

This is also where God commands that no sacrifices be made to anyone other than Himself. First time to read through Leviticus and really realize how loving God was by giving all these instructions to His people. I imagine my kids think some of my rules odd and strange but a lot of times I'm trying to protect them physically, spiritually or emotionally. The Lord is the same.

The thought of the sacrifices being a food offering to The Lord is a bit creepy to me . Not sure why as I myself do not have a problem with consuming mass amount of meat. I'm sure Hollywood images are to blame.

The second half of this chapter is about blood and how it should not be consumed. Life is in the blood is repeated frequently. From the commentary I read this changed after the death of Christ. God wanted His people to understand just how important the shedding of blood was and that it should not be taken lightly. Before the Fall Adam and Eve ate vegetation. Death was not part of Paradise. Death was a huge deal and continues to be a big deal as it's a result of sin. I think death is just what happens on earth, it's my reality. Death by old age seems natural to me. It's anything but natural. I think God wanted to drive that point home.

Natives getting restless.


Tuesday, February 04, 2014

DAY 1266: LEVITICUS 11-15

Going to keep this short. Tired with a capital T.

Leviticus 11:
List and rules that distinguishes clean and unclean animals. Most of it makes sense but some of it doesn't. Have to look up why the pig was considered unclean. It tastes so good! Wonder if it is because pork can get foul really quickly and make a lot of people sick.

Just found out why on almost all of the animals considered unclean. As usual there is a real rhyme and reason to God's methods. He was being an awesome parent and protecting His kids. Kinda disgusting to read about pigs.

Lev 12:
Purification after childbirth. The period of uncleanliness is longer for girls than boys. Interesting.

Lev 13:
Rules regarding leprosy. What an awful disease and what a lonely life if you had it.

Lev 14:
Laws for the cleansing of those healed from leprosy and what to do if leprosy is in your house.

Lev 15:
Laws about bodily fluids. Ew.


Monday, February 03, 2014

DAY 1265: LEVITICUS 8-10

Hubs home sick, house a wreck, school left to be done but kids playing wonderfully together and baby sleeping. Trying to figure out how to best use this time. Not sure this is it or if I'll even be able to concentrate with Mt Laundry behind me. We shall see. Maybe I should be praying that my poor hubs can get rest in this crazy loud house. Okay can't do it, must do laundry. Will pray while I fold and go over Sermon on the Mount.

Most kids napping. Lukalilly not. It might make for a crazy evening but these sweet ones rocking a slight cold could use the rest. Feeling funky today after drinking coffee. Oh coffee how I love thee but how you reap much havoc on my blood sugar levels. I might just might be understanding the whole concept of decaf now. I really am turning into MeeMaw or at least a gasp adult.

Been rough in my tone several times today with Lukeypotamus. That kid has such a hard time with controlling his body in such a way that doesn't hurt others. That kid is so incredibly physical. He came out of the womb that way. Before he would walk that kid would tackle his brother and sister. Think wrestling would be a great sport for that kid.

Been really convicted of my tone and my choice of words lately. Hate the junk that can so easily spew out of my mouth. Even today one of my kids bonked their head and so easily it comes out "if you had obeyed that wouldn't have happened." I think there are times for those conversations but mostly my heart is not set on training them in those moments. I hate that it is so natural for me to shame and guilt my kids over encouraging them and praising them. I know that I do encourage and praise BUT its much easier to condemn. Left to my own devices I'm a total wretch of a woman, wife and mom. I hate that I haven't already arrived as a mom. The years haven't added together enough yet to make me the mom I desperately desire to be. It's not the stacking of years that makes a wonderful mother but rather a heart yielded to Christ. Oh how I wish I hadn't squandered the years of my youth. How much further along would I be? It is rather foolish to stay in this place though. God has called me and redeemed and His timing is most perfect. I long for the years lost but am thankful for the years He has chosen to give me eyes that see. I pray that He would continue to peel back the scales, do heart surgery and redeem this wild stallion of a mouth.

Well hubs has pneumonia. That guy is a total stud rocking Sunday while harboring a bacterial party in his lungs. Just proves to me once again that guy is no sissy when he gets sick. He pushes through as hard as he possibly can in order to sacrificially love me and the kids. Crazy blessed by him.

Leviticus 8:
Aaron and his sons are ordained as priests. Everything is performed just so just like The Lord commanded. All the symbolism is lost on me at this point. One day it won't be. This reminds me of just how Holy The Lord is. I often approach the throne haphazardly and don't give God the reverence that a Holy God deserves. I can't help but think about those silly Jesus is my homeboy hats. I get stuff like that but God isn't just a friend He is a Holy God and deserves the praise and honor that is due Him. God help me to approach your throne knowing exactly who I am compared to you and approach your throne with the honor and worship that you deserve. Forgive me when I treat you as if you were created for me instead of vice versa. Help me to remember my role and live out my mission of giving you glory and worshipping you all the days of my life.

Lev 9:
Seven days pass and Aaron offers the needed sacrifices to prepare for the Lord's presence. All I can think of is how incredibly nerve wracking it must have been to do the sacrifice for the very first time.

Lev 10:
Too tired to fully grasp this. Want to understand but zzzz zzz.


Sunday, February 02, 2014


Off day today. Not exactly sure why. Probably bummed about spring not yet here. Poor hubs still feeling bad. Love that man.

Fun times with some of our oldest Dallas friends. Our kiddos have grown and changed so much. I can hardly stand how fast the years go flying by. Wish we saw them more. So crazy how changing seasons can change so much.

Leviticus 4:
This chapter is about sacrifices that needed to be done if a person did not commit sin intentionally.

Leviticus 5:
More laws for a guilt offering. Sin is expensive!

Leviticus 6:
More on guilt offerings and instructions on exactly how the priests should handle the guilt offerings.

Leviticus 7:
I'll be honest I'm so incredibly lost. So many details that seem the same and yet I know all of it is significant for some reason. Really want to come back around and dig in deep to these chapters. I want to know why The Lord set things up the way He did.

I'm taken aback at these chapters at the literal cost of sin. The image of blood spilled everywhere keeps sticking with me. There is/was a huge price for my sin. I'm so very thankful that God's grace is sufficient. Hard not to read these chapters and not feel the heaviness of sin.


Saturday, February 01, 2014


It's been quite the weekend. I don't feel like my battery is completely charged and ready to tackle another week but God was sweet this weekend.

First off its a Festivus Miracle that this weekend Lilly took a bottle! This has become quite unheard of since offspring number three. I still expect her to be my sidekick for awhile but just offers a touch more freedom than I've had with other Brownies.

Friday I got to hear a solid couple give a talk on raising godly daughters. One of the things they mentioned was having ceremonies for their daughters at different ages. Today I got to see one first hand for a sweet 13 year old boy in our community group. That kid could have lit up a room with the way he was beaming. It was a really special event and I'm thankful to have been apart of it. We will be celebrating my girls 13th before I know it. Can't believe she is turning 8 in a few weeks. God let me not waste these precious days.

This evening while asking my oldest son to pick he once again pitched a fit. This is a very common event. I jumped into the ring with this kid over and over and surprise it doesn't work. I've been praying about him that God would give me compassion for the things he struggles with. Frankly they repulse me. Tonight my sweet hubs showered him with such kindness and compassion and the kid was moved to repentance. I knew this was the route we needed to take with this kiddo but when this kids struggles buck up against my flesh it's hard and it's not pretty. His struggle with stubbornness is so much like mine. That kid has such a compassionate heart and just like my child who is a free spirit I don't want to crush their spirit. Lord help me not crush them but rather disciple and train them.

Leviticus 1-3:
God gives specific orders on how free will offerings should be made. It makes my stomach turn thinking about all the blood that must have covered the altar and all the burning flesh. It's feels incredibly barbaric to me. Yet I'm reminded that this bloody and gruesome scene is the reality of my sin. There is a huge cost to my sinfulness. I must never forget this.


1262: EXODUS 35-40

Ran into two of my neighbors today. One recently retired and said she had been in a funk because she wasn't doing anything. The other one I've been trying to get into bible study. Her spirit is so incredibly sweet. Sat for awhile praying about what to do on this street. Looking forward to the spring and intentional and organic time with the people in my hood. Maybe a summer bible study is in order. I could get a Mommas helper to keep my rascals occupied. Maybe it's time to bring back the hot dogs every week. Feeling bad for not having our annual block party last year. Thought about there being kids on our street and not even knowing their names. Just seems wrong to me. Praying.

Confession once again I had a stinkpot attitude about my hubs being sick. As if he can control not feeling well. I think what caught me off guard is not realizing how sick he was. I had much different expectations coming home this afternoon. Thankful my heart has changed realizing how sick he is but ashamed at my selfish heart. So thankful for grace today. Although I hate it, getting a good look at my sinful heart is a great reminder of how desperate I am for Jesus.

I had hoped to get this done earlier but a sweet intense boy wanted to play the dot game and one of the craziest games of hangman I've ever played. Been praying God would help me to connect with that sweet boy and He has been so gracious to answer. That kid did some pretty stellar stuff for a six year old boy today. Need to keep praying that I'll embrace his intensity and melancholy spirit at times. May I walk with him in his weaknesses and encourage him in his strengths. 

Fun times tonight with the kids at our church at a family event. There was lots of chatter while the Children's Minister was giving a talk though. Kids just don't know what it's like to sit through a church service anymore. I think because of this things have changed more than we think. Been thinking about taking my bigs to the church service with me in the mornings since I serve in the evenings. Tonight almost sealed the deal for me. I think there is a lot that would be good for them and besides I'm itching to get in the Loft service anyway.

Exodus 35-40:
Craftsmen make everything for the Tabernacle exactly as The Lord commanded. It's hard to believe this is the same people who asked Aaron to make them a god. 

Love how God used the financial provision and the skills that He had blessed His people with to accomplish the goal of constructing the Tabernacle. Love how the body can work together when we abide in Him. Oh how much more we could accomplish if the church wasn't so incredibly divided.

Chapter 35 again mentions observing the Sabbath. 

Six days work shall be done, but on the seventh day you shall have a Sabbath of solemn rest, holy to the Lord. Whoever does any work on it shall be put to death. (Exodus 35:2 ESV)

Clearly this is important to The Lord. I pray that He would show us what this should look like in our family.

So much more in these chapters within all the details. Too tired to dive in more.