Monday, March 31, 2014

DAY 1321: 2 SAMUEL 20-24

Did not get up early today. Woke up at 6:30 with a raging headache from last night. It never fully went away but thankful to have at least gotten it under control. Love the thunderstorms that roll through my head during the spring. Ouch! More opportunity to cling to Him!

Lots of touch points with my neighbor today. Thankful for that. Speaking of neighbors one couple moved out this weekend and I'm so sad about it. Feel like it's a total missed opportunity. I really liked them. Hate how busy life can be.

Today again was like walking up hill in the mud. I love having my kids at home but homeschooling is hard. It has been so hard to gain any kind of momentum. I know they are learning it just feels so far from anything traditional. I should just entrust to The Lord what they should learn daily. Again I daydreamed of what it would be like to send my oldest to school. I know I would miss them dearly but my days wouldn't be such a struggle. I could be fully emerged in the land of littles and not worry about lessons. Yet avoiding difficulty is not a reason to abandon what God has called me too. I would never call myself to this. Yet out of obedience and knowing that His ways are so much better than mine I will stay the course, embracing these difficult days with much joy. One day there will no longer be littles to make this job so difficult. Rather it will be trudging through the murky waters of adolescence. Thankful to be on this hard, sanctifying, and rich journey. I am so blessed.

I often regret not having the opportunity to pour into those at the little elementary school at the end of our street. Tonight for the first time I see that is just not where God would have me serve and love right now. There very well may be a season for that but for now my little chicks get to join me in loving the people on our street as best as we can. It's not always perfect and there's still much more that can be done but for now this is where The Lord would have us pour out our efforts and extra time. Love the people that surround us up and down our block. I pray The Lord would prepare hearts and expand our reach in the upcoming season.

2 SAM 20-24

Looking over 2 sam 24. Wording is bizarre to me.

Again the anger of the Lord was kindled against Israel, and he incited David against them, saying, "Go, number Israel and Judah." (2 Samuel 24:1 ESV)

Wrestling it out and trying to wrap my head around this.


Sunday, March 30, 2014

DAY 1320: 2 SAMUEL 19

Head is killing me right now. Oh pollen, you evil rotten beast.

Satan's psychotic spider just tried to suck out the brains of Lilly and I. I'm sure my dreams will be sweet thinking about spiders in my bed.

Big win today, neighbor went to RTM and loved it. So very very thankful!

Snuggling with my Bit and so very thankful she's here. I'm glad I get to hear her giggles and see her sweet smiles. Things could have been so different. I mustn't forget how fragile life truly is and how The Lord rules over it all.

1 SAM 19:
Throne restored to David but not without bickering. Judah and Israel are starting to sound like my kids did today.

Eyes rolling back in my head from light of my phone.


Saturday, March 29, 2014

DAY 1319: 2 SAMUEL 14-18

Great day. I LOVE spring so much especially when it's spent w/ family and friends. I'm itching and rashy but worth it!

This will be short, shooting for in home date.

Nathan's prophesies about what was going to happen to David occurs. Absalom tries to take over the throne by force. David flees but still remains humble the entire time. He doesn't try to white knuckle the throne like Saul did. Instead he was open to the idea that it was The Lord who was stripping him of the throne. When he was cursed by Shimea he didn't fight or argue or try to explain his cause. Rather he said The Lord must have sent Shimea to curse him. If it wasn't from The Lord David was confident that God would vindicate him. I want to possess this kind of humble spirit. Although David made some huge mistakes and could be a passive lust bucket he still possessed meekness and humility which are truly beautiful qualities.


Friday, March 28, 2014

DAY 1317: 2 SAMUEL 13-

Good day. Did lots of laundry. Still have lots to do. Got the chaos in my daughter's closet more under control. Wish that was easier.

Tonight we had a family over that we adore and are blessed to do life with. In my chatting I forgot drinks and the bread I was going to make. Hospitality is so difficult because I can't remember important things and I would much rather sit and talk than do the things that need to get done.
My chatty girl is still up chatting away and giggling. Glad I made a wise choice not to shut her down and fill up that chatty little tank of hers. Oh what a joy that child is. Tonight my baby boy fell asleep on the floor keeping his baby sister company. Life with these Brownies is so incredibly sweet.

Ate gluten the last two days and feeling dumpy tonight. Maybe if I'm lucky I caught the stomach bug going around.

2 SAM 13-14:
Chapter 13 is brutal. Amnon rapes Tamar . David is angry but doesn't do anything about it. I'm sure his own sin kept him from doing anything to Amnon.

Absalom, Tamar's brother, avenges her by killing Amnon at a feast that he throws. David's family is crazy dysfunctional and it's falling apart.



DAY 1316: 2 SAMUEL 11-12

Fun times with my hubs last night. Love looking back on all the ways The Lord has forged the two of us together. I know there is still more ground to take but I'm thankful for where The Lord has brought us.

Nothing came together for most of the day and it was perfect. House demolished, rooms total wreckage but trying to put the Bit to bed with a full heart.

Up way too late last night, kids as well. We left an unloaded air soft gun out to see if our kiddos would follow gun safety rules. I found the clip laying in our room so knew one of our minions was handling it. Nobody would fess up and finally one kiddo did after we put on the heat. Think it was a false confession though since the "offender" had no clue where the gun had been. The one we thought was guilty kept their mouth shut. This morning the one the presumed guilty also confessed but also couldn't tell me where the gun had been. Very confusing!!! Really wish casting lots was currently used as an effective parenting tool these days. At any rate we got to discuss gun safety yet again and great opportunity to talk about integrity and pray diligently for my children to possess integrity. A couple of them have really struggled with that lately.

After "grilling" our kids into the late evening we had some fall out today. I couldn't pull myself together and was so scattered. I did get some good prayer time at my altar, aka the kitchen sink. It's been good trying to focus on intentional prayer while loading the dishwasher twice a day. While loading and praying I saw the request to wash off shovels outside was turning chaotic per usual. Instead of being my usual don't play in the mud self I let them go for it. It turned out as nutty as I knew it would which is why I'm normally anti mud. But today it was fantastic to say yes and I can only thank my dirty dirty house for being able to say why not! If Lilly hadn't been such a cranky no napping babe today I would have even joined them.

It was such a blessing to not be bound to a single agenda item today. I probably should have had some but it was great to ditch chores and school and just let my kids enjoy the reckless abandon of childhood today.

Today also clued me in that I'm climbing out of the post baby fog. Normally some kind of order comes along with this transition or feeling like I've found my groove. This has yet to happen but I'm wondering if this is just life with six kids and homeschooling. Our pastor with six kiddos said that we were in the most difficult season doing life with a herd of offspring. I can see where that can be true at least in some regards.

Today in front of my sink altar I came to the realization that if and when we adopt I think the idea of adopting a baby is out the window. I'd be totally up for adopting a baby with DS but I don't think baby or toddler is what we are supposed to do anymore. At the time we needed a baby so that we wouldn't disrupt birth order or artificially twin which were both big no no's with our agency. I do think our first borns should remain that way but the larger we get birth order becomes a mute issue. It's sweet to see how the pieces are starting to fit together. I had held onto the idea of adopting while in the midst of having bios. I feel much peace about allowing The Lord to close out our chapter on bios first and then bringing adoption full circle. I'll laugh if it ends up being ten years after we first started. A friend once told me that was the magic number for another couple they knew. I've never forgotten that. Maybe Les's days of button pushing by throwing out ten kids will come to fruition too. Some days it feels like I have kids coming out of my ears but some days it feels like there is hardly any of us at all. Regardless of where The Lord eventually takes our family I'm so thankful for the ways He is repaying the years the locus have eaten. I love this crazy loud messy unorganized crew. I am a woman who is blessed beyond measure.

Closed out tonight folding laundry while minions created and then ended our time together playing cards and listening to Johnny Cash. Lord thank you that I couldn't pull it together today and that every day you can. Today was an incredible gift. I pray for more days like this. Days where my agenda matters little and the mess and disorder matters even less. Let me not squander away these days on things that are fleeting but rather give me eyes to see the eternal. My time here on earth is yet a vapor and the time I have with the sweet ones you have blessed me with is even fewer. Help me to love extravagantly like you do and give me a heart that beats for the things you care about.

2 sAm 11-14
I've been looking forward to this time all day. It's not happening the way that I've envisioned and my middle son just woke up the baby. Let my ideal not become an idol. I'd much rather love than hold onto a perfect ideal and miss an opportunity. What good is it to be in the Word if I treat my children with contempt. To love is to die. 

So I'm getting my coveted time but now I'm so sleepy. Go figure.

Ch 11:
I have tried and tried to get around it but I simply can not ignore the fact David raped Bathsheba. She is not a willing participant in all that goes down in this chapter. David rapes her, David has her husband killed and she looses her son. This is the man who had at one time been a man after God's own heart. 

God warned Israel about their desire to have a king. Painful. This chapter is so incredibly painful. 

The man who consulted The Lord in everything has gotten drunk on comfort and ease and no longer needs to consult The Lord. As a comfort and ease junkie this scares me. Daily I choose to walk in my own ways and not the Lord's. Yet I know the personal hell that occurs when you veer completely away. 

I read a blog post written by a woman who was abducted when she was 6. I'm grieved tonight over the sinful condition of our world. How God restrains His wrath is a mystery to me. It only proves how incredibly much He loves us.

Ch 12:
The Lord sends Nathan to tell David a story which convicts David of his sin. There are three verses that really stand out to me.

1. I gave you your master's house and his wives and the kingdoms of Israel and Judah. And if that had not been enough, I would have given you much, much more. (2 Samuel 12:8 NLT)

I don't want to get all health, wealth and prosperity gospel BUT this is such a great reminder of the Lord's extravagant love and the abundance of blessing that He daily bestows on us. Most of us will never experience the "blessing" David did but I believe daily He showers us with blessing. 

2. This verse is hard to reconcile.

After Nathan returned to his home, the lord sent a deadly illness to the child of David and Uriah's wife. (2 Samuel 12:15 NLT)

In my bible it says "The Lord made Bathsheba's baby deathly ill".

I understand more why Job's friends assumed he was living in sin. How do we discern when an illness, troubling spirit, depression, anxiety, ect is a result of sin verses the condition of a fallen world. Tired so not sure I'm communicating clearly but definitely chewing on this one for awhile. 

3. Then David comforted Bathsheba, his wife, and slept with her. She became pregnant and gave birth to a son, and David named him Solomon. The lord loved the child and sent word through Nathan the prophet that they should name him Jedidiah (which means "beloved of the lord "), as the lord had commanded. (2 Samuel 12:24, 25 NLT)

Why do they not change Solomon's name?? 



Wednesday, March 26, 2014

DAY 1315: 2 SAMUEL 8-10

My bedtime is slowly starting to line up with  rising early. Fighting hard against not going back to sleep right now. 

I read but nothing popped out. So going back over.

Ch 8:
This is about David's military conquests and who the important people on David's royal staff were.

This verse was interesting to me:

and Benaiah the son of Jehoiada was over the Cherethites and the Pelethites, and David's sons were priests. (2 Samuel 8:18 ESV)

I'm scratching my head over this because 1. David's sons don't seem to be known for their priestly behavior. Instead rebellion and chaos comes to mind. 
2. They are not Levites but rather come from the tribe of Benjamin. #confusing

Ch 9:
This chapter is really sweet. David bestows kindness on Mephibosheth. Crippled Mephibosheth is called to the kings table not to receive the death sentence he would have gotten elsewhere but to dine at the table of the king. 

We are all Mephibosheth. Crippled by our sin yet still called the dine at the table of the King of Kings. Beautifully humbling.

2 Sam 10
A kind gesture is interpreted wrongly by the Ammonites and things go south quickly. Israel goes into battle w/Ammonites. The Syrians join in for kicks and giggles. 

This verse stood out the most and was spoken by Joab David's military leader.

Be of good courage, and let us be courageous for our people, and for the cities of our God, and may the Lord do what seems good to him." (2 Samuel 10:12 ESV)

Joab isn't even praying for victory but rather desires that The Lord does what seems best. I could use more of that kind posture of prayer in my life. 

Need to get after it. Bible study and ReEngage today. Speaking tonight and haven't done much at all to prepare. Hoping to get some time in this afternoon. Long wonderful day. 


Tuesday, March 25, 2014

DAY 1314: 2 SAMUEL 5-7

Getting up this morning was brutal. BRUTAL! I know my body will eventually adjust. At least I'm hoping that it will. Every day it's the same battle though. Do I trust that if I get up that God will provide for the rest of the day. Sometimes the holiest thing I could do is sleep but I also know I could make a case for that every single day.

Funky this evening. Feel bad about turning into a total crab cakes this evening didn't help.

Texted this to a friend today:
"Today, good. But I also know that can change in a moments notice. Surrendering more and more to the chaos that will be daily for the long haul."

Today started off okay but then felt more and more unmanageable. Friend's momma died suddenly. I'm sure somehow that's churning in the back of my mind. Also, trying to figure how to love my neighbor well. She brought a friend over for me to sign a form. Kept them both outside but it was the first time I wondered what I was getting myself into.

Now that I think about it I'm tired because Satan has tried to keep me occupied on fear today. I haven't spiraled on anything but it's still draining to take thoughts captive and hold them obedient to Christ. It's yuck to even have fearful thoughts to begin with. Thankful today that I can rest peacefully on the fact that The Lord is Sovereign over all.

A swollen lymph node that one of my kiddos had seems to have gotten a bit bigger. It's not crazy huge but probably about the size of a grape to a gumball. It's the kid I have felt like I am going to loose. Kids have swollen lymph nodes. We all do at times and most often it's nothing. The thing is it could be something. When my mind wants to go to dark places I just take it there and bring it back to the fact that God is good and He is Sovereign. Even though I may walk through the deepest and darkest valley I know that He will be with me every step of the way.

If I'm completely honest I don't always like the way He provides. It's mostly just enough. I like abundance. I don't want to run out, ever. The truth is with The Lord if I'm tapping into Him the provision will never run out, there is no need to fear. He's got it, all of it. For that I am very thankful.

2 Sam 5:
My brain is scattered so going to try to be as coherent as I possibly can be. In this chapter a pattern is very much establish with David. He encounters a problem and he doesn't flip out or complain or lament instead he goes directly to The Lord and asks him what to do. Almost every time this is what David does. He doesn't consult friends first, jump on Facebook, eat chocolate or grumble and complain he goes straight away to the true source of strength. Lord please help me to do this. I'm trying to get better at this God but I've still got much work to do. 

King Hiram from Tyre shows up with goods to build David a palace. Instead of getting a big head this is David's heart.

And David knew that the Lord had established him king over Israel, and that he had exalted his kingdom for the sake of his people Israel. (2 Samuel 5:12 ESV)

Lord I have so much to learn from David's humility. Please continue to help me get past David's struggle with lust so that I might learn immensely from his life. Continue to weed out the pride that causes so many weeds and chaos in my life.

2 Sam 6:
David goes to get the ark of the covenant but doesn't obey the laws Surrounding carrying the ark and a man named Uzzah dies. 

Three months later David tries again but this time moves the ark correctly and there is much celebrating. 

2 Sam 7:
David wants to make a house for The Lord and consults Nathan the prophet. The Lord tells David he is not the one that will build a temple for The Lord.  After this David gives a prayer of thanksgiving.

Couple things stood out in this prayer.

David talks about God's kindness and the goodness God has bestowed upon him. Then he says this:

And what more can David say to you? For you know your servant, O Lord God ! (2 Samuel 7:20 ESV)

David knew he was a sinner in desperate need of The Lord. Despite his struggle with women The Lord still lavishes His blessing richly on David. Such a great reminder that no matter what depths that we may sink to The Lord loves us and will continue to treat us with loving kindness.

Love looking at this verse and switching Israel with my name. He rescued me from slavery and set me free!

What other nation on earth is like your people Israel? What other nation, O God, have you redeemed from slavery to be your own people? You made a great name for yourself when you redeemed your people from Egypt. You performed awesome miracles and drove out the nations and gods that stood in their way. (2 Samuel 7:23 NLT)



Monday, March 24, 2014

DAY 1313: 2 SAMUEL 1-4

Finally finally was obedient and I'm up early. I'm ready for bed now. I think I'm allergic to mornings.

2 Sam 1-4:
Saul is dead and in my mind David should waltz up to the rightful throne and live happily ever after. Life with Christ is a bowl of cherries after all.

This is not the case and is why obviously I am not God. David is anointed and it takes years and years and lots of strife before he will sit on the throne. Maybe the lack of strife and struggle is what made Saul's heart turn so quickly after receiving the throne. Who knows? What I do know is getting from point A to point B is rarely that simple. It's doubtful to me that point B is more important to God than the journey He takes us through to get there.

In these chapters we continue to get a window into David's heart the good and the bad. His struggle with women becomes realized as he has six wives that have born him sons and requests to get Michal. Who knows how many he actually has at the point. In a song of mourning he wrote for Saul and Jonathan there is a verse that is interesting.

I grieve for you, Jonathan my brother; you were very dear to me. Your love for me was wonderful, more wonderful than that of women. (2 Samuel 1:26 NIV)

Here David touches on something. The dude has wounds. It makes sense too considering how everything written about his family is pretty negative. He wasn't even thought of to be brought up when Samuel comes to visit Jesse and his brothers treat him poorly when he comes up to bring them food on the battle field. In this verse David at least on some level recognizes he received loved from Jonathan in a way that will never be satisfied seeking after women to fill that void. This gaping wound will eventually be part of his downfall and will be a sin pattern repeated by his son. 

God please heal and fill the gaping wounds in my heart. Open my eyes to see how I turn aside to other things to receive love, value and worth. 

The other side to David that stands out is his humility and loyalty despite the persecution and afflictions he may encounter. David demands the throne. On two different occasions men boast of killing the kings he does not rejoice yet kills then men whose hands murdered the king. He never demands the throne. Likewise The Lord never demands the throne in our lives either. Rather He waits till we are finally ready to submit to His authority in our lives. The same was true of David, he wasn't going to take the throne of a people not willing to place him there in the first place. 


Sunday, March 23, 2014

DAY 1312: 1 SAMUEL 27-31

Feel like I have a chopstick shoved up my sinuses. Oh pollen how I loath thee.

I double booked myself tomorrow and feel like a total dork! I used to be such a flake in my pagan hay days and I so don't want to be a flake anymore. I don't know if it's pollen or what but my brain definitely not functioning very well. I did ride the gluten train this weekend so brain fog could definitely be from that. I bet when pollen is high the combination of gluten and junk in the air is too much.

Unrelenting headache all day long and thick brain fog. Wish I had some great insight over reading tonight but nothing huge stood out. 

Saul seeks out a medium to figure out something since The Lord is no longer talking to him. It's difficult to find one since he had cast them all out of the land earlier. I totally don't get this whole summoning spirits from the dead and how that and ghosts fit in with everything. It's weird and not something I desire to dwell on in depth. Needless to say Saul trying to chat with a deceased Samuel is creepy. It feels very much like a scene from a Shakespeare play. This entire book has that feel to it. I've always felt that way in regard to the story of Saul.

This verse really stood out to me tonight:

David was greatly distressed because the men were talking of stoning him; each one was bitter in spirit because of his sons and daughters. But David found strength in the Lord his God. (1 Samuel 30:6 NIV)

May I find strength in The Lord my God when circumstances around me seem insurmountable. May I find strength in The Lord on days that seem so overwhelming and beyond my control. May I walk with you and seek you out all the days of my life God.


DAY 1311: 1 SAMUEL 23-26

Fell asleep before sending this. Oops! Good day with spent with family and friends. Missed a conference today but time with family was much needed. Thankful for all that The Lord has blessed me with.

1 Sam 23-26:
I have one word for David, humble. It's pretty spectacular. Given opportunity to take Saul out he passes and chooses rather to trust The Lord and be completely yielded to God. Beautiful!


Friday, March 21, 2014

DAY 1310: 1 SAMUEL 20-22

Today was off. None of the plans for today that I had in my head ever really came together. I think the bigger thing that's off is just me. Totally emotionally everywhere today. My hormones must be off or I'm getting ready to have the mother of all periods. Signs are pointing in that general direction. I need a good ugly cry and a pint of ice cream. Maybe I'll go watch Terms of Endearment after this.

I think I'm just worn out from this week. A couple hurting, my sweet neighbors story and reflecting on the brevity of life. All heavy. Tonight driving around with my hubs with exhaustion and heaviness on my heart I couldn't help but lament over the fact that this world is not my home. I forget this and the reality of it is so very real to me tonight. The reality of the pain and horrors that so many people face was crushing tonight. Jesus why? Yet I know it grieves and breaks your heart too. I also know that all of it can be redeemed and made beautiful. Tonight I'm groaning with Creation for Jesus to come quickly and set everything right again.

1 Sam 20-22:
Saul has let his pride and insecurities reach crazy heights. It's so incredibly sad to read about. The death of all the priests and all the people in their city is so hard to read. Oh sin is disgusting and fowl, mine included.


Thursday, March 20, 2014

DAY 1309: 1 SAMUEL 17-19

Another good but full day. Started the day off with donuts in the front yard. Come on! Can't get much better than that! (No I did not have any.) Crammed in some school, bribes to get rooms done, friends and sweet neighbors. Got to take one of my neighbors to the hospital to see her Momma and got to hear more of her story. So very heartbreaking. Her heart is so soft to Jesus and she's making such great choices in the midst of an incredibly stressful and difficult season. I'm reminded yet again how festering hurt and pain that is left undelt with causes generations of dysfunction. Praying Les and I can help teach our kids how to work through their hurts, habits and hang ups and surrender them to Christ. It is a daily fight.

I've been trying to dig into this food thing a little more. I once heard a friend say "do you live to eat or do you eat to live". I'm trying to eat to live but in reality I'm more in the live to eat camp. First world problem but if it doesn't involve comfort (it tastes good) and it's not easy forget about it. Tonight my hubs grabbed some pizza and my daughter asked if he was eating it because he was going to pass out. Very odd question unless you live in BrownTown or with a diabetic. My kids have definitely heard me say "Mommy needs to eat before she passes out". I can definitely be silly and over the top with my kids but I'm not joking in those moments. I seriously feel like I could pass out in those moments. Not good. Coffee makes me have a huge blood sugar crash unless I eat a good amount of protein.

Basically God has put this food thing in my face slowly but surely over the last several years. Obviously the issue is not just emotional eating. The thing that stinks is that I don't want to obsess about food like ever. Generally I'm not an obsessive person. But if my kids are hearing me say I need to eat or I'm going to pass out and it's not a rare or freak occasion something is messed up and broken. Not taking proper care of my body because I'm either too lazy to make something or because nothing sounds good is foolish. I also need to balance that with real life. Six kids, home school, and hands on baby doesn't equal much time to be in a kitchen everyday. Planning ahead and having a huge vat of whatever is a must. I'm so good at that. Bleh!!

With the Lords help I'm going to work on this. Until then I'm going to try to keep track of when I'm an angry troll and see if there's a pattern there with skipped meals.

I hate that I'm irritated about having to eat. I'm so blessed. God help me to fully grasp that. Help me to trust that you will provide and help me get better at feeding my family and myself. Renew my heart and my mind when it comes to food. God I'll be honest the thought of having to think about food more makes me nauseous. It's a daily detail that comes up three times a day and I'm so awful about details. Help me to be better about the details. You care about them so help me to care more about them. They feel so cumbersome to me. Thank you for the way you created me, they gifting you gave me so that I can help accomplish the work of Your body and thank you for my weaknesses and flaws for they keep me tethered to you. I thank you Lord that you care about me enough to smooth out the rough places in my life. You are so good all the time even when it doesn't feel that way. I thank you that you are Sovereign over the details and the big picture of life. I take great delight knowing that you hold all things together in your hand.

1 Sam 17-19:
Biggest take away is how I love that God loves doing the impossible. Young buck shepherd boy who loved Jesus killed the giant with just one stone. Lord help me to trust your provision to slay the giants in my life.


Wednesday, March 19, 2014

DAY 1308: 1 SAMUEL 16

I am so stinking tired. Good day but I'm ready to pass out.

Big take away from today is that I've been a beastly beast on Wednesdays. Come Wednesday evening I'm raging pissed about something. It hit me that because of bible study and going places unplanned afterwards I haven't eaten much for breakfast or lunch and come dinner time I'm just an angry troll. Things that would normally be just a bummer and shaken off have been volcano inducing events. Need to figure this food thing out on Wednesdays. It's not worth it. Definitely seeing more and more why self care is such a big deal and why addicts just don't do it. 

1 Sam 16:
This is such a crazy chapter. Lots of stuff that seems contradictory to God's character in here. Need to dig into commentary to pick up the pieces I'm missing. The two main ones are:

1. it appears to me that God tells Samuel to give a half truth in these verses.

And Samuel said, "How can I go? If Saul hears it, he will kill me." And the Lord said, "Take a heifer with you and say, 'I have come to sacrifice to the Lord.' And invite Jesse to the sacrifice, and I will show you what you shall do. And you shall anoint for me him whom I declare to you." (1 Samuel 16:2, 3 ESV)

2. It seems strange that The Lord would send a harmful spirit to torment someone.

Now the Spirit of the Lord departed from Saul, and a harmful spirit from the Lord tormented him. (1 Samuel 16:14 ESV)

I think it's the "from The Lord" that gets me. I think I would be fine if it said God sent a harmful spirit. No I actually just don't like the fact that God sent a harmful spirit. God and harmful spirit just don't seem to go together in my mind and I don't want them associated together.  I know The Lord uses evil spirits and evil men for His glory but this verse is ick to me. 



Tuesday, March 18, 2014

DAY 1307: 1 SAMUEL 13-15

Started off up early but got distracted by all my contacts being erased in my phone. Then I fell asleep while going over sermon on the mount. Not surprising as last night was another rough night of sleep. The Bit did ok but there were way too many bodies in one bed.

Great day outside. Kids exploring in a creek, gianormous tadpoles, and friends. Very blessed. Excited about camping!! Boys running around with sticks and shirts off exploring just seems right. I would love to have land someday but thankful for the sweet spots to go to that God has provided.

Tired and allergies raging from being outside but totally worth it. Wanted to eat pizza tonight but ate the good I ought to eat instead. A Braum's brownie sundae sure sounds perfect though, until I'm up with a gassy, tummy upset, refluxing Bit.

Thankful to be able to tag team with a sweet friend on my street with another neighbor. Praying God continues to draw her to Himself during her current circumstances.

1 Sam 13-15
I'm not getting the full depth of the battle scenes but oh how sad is the condition of Saul's heart. Saul knows The Lord yet he has not submitted to The Lord as King of Kings. Saul does what he sees as right in his own eyes.


Monday, March 17, 2014

DAY 1306: 1 SAMUEL 9-12

Lilly Bit was a total mess last night. I didn't get up with the sun but I did get up early enough to get breakfast ready so we could all eat together. Prep I did yesterday and having a mostly clean kitchen helped.

Fevers broke today thankfully and although not everybody is 100% we are all headed in the right direction. Even with a gut ache I still want to shove chocolate in my face and find a reason to justify it. Such an addict.

Today was not smooth sailing by any means. Most often it isn't. Trying hard to learn to roll with it more and more and wholeheartedly embrace the season of littles and sorta bigs.  In some ways this season is easier and in other ways it is more difficult. At any rate I'm thankful for today, opportunities to die to self and for my wonderful hubster and Brownies.

1 Sam 9-12:
I know I'm missing all kinds of cultural significance in chapter 9. No time in dig deep though. In these chapters Saul is chosen as King. I find it interesting that The Lord gives Saul a new heart and when people encounter him they are shocked that he is acting the way that he is. I'm sure it's strange to see someone who has never prophesied do so but there had to be more to this. 

At first Saul is gracious and humble about being chosen. He goes to work plowing with oxen post anointing and chooses to give his critics much grace. 

There's a couple things that really stood out. 

1. People being shocked by the change in Saul. I guess this is why his true colors come out later? Or it truly could have been the position if power that corrupted.

2. Not all anger is self righteous. Righteous anger is okay and can be due to a heart that cares for what God cares for. I know this but so good to see a reminder today.

And the Spirit of God rushed upon Saul when he heard these words, and his anger was greatly kindled. (1 Samuel 11:6 ESV)

3. Love love love this verse:
And do not turn aside after empty things that cannot profit or deliver, for they are empty. (1 Samuel 12:21 ESV)

Lord please remind me of this daily. Help me to not turn aside to things that will only leave me empty. May I turn to you and only you to be my King, my salvation, my hope, my strength, my daily provision and my rock. When I mess up please in your kindness and mercy show me. I want you but in my own strength I chase after fleeting things time and time again. Bind my wandering heart to yours. May you be my everything and may I learn walk with you and drink deep from the water of life and be greatly satisfied by the bread of life.

4. Really was taken by this passage as well.

Moreover, as for me, far be it from me that I should sin against the Lord by ceasing to pray for you, and I will instruct you in the good and the right way. (1 Samuel 12:23 ESV)

Really like how this verse emphasized prayer and that it would be a sin to cease doing so. Talk about kicking prayer apathy booty.

Really like how the Daily Walk Bible made this verse really come alive by pointing out that when our desires are to criticism how much better would it be to pray. Lord may I walk with that this week. When my spirit is critical may my heart be turned towards thanksgiving and prayer.


Sunday, March 16, 2014

DAY 1305: 1 SAMUEL 4-8

My Lilly and Belly alarm went off early this morning. One still up. I have a pretty sick little boy on my hands so starting the week off in lock down. Wish my baby wasn't feeling so miserable but not a bad thing to start the week off sloooow.

Been mulling over a Mommas reaction at the park the other day. Kid started throwing a fit and she responded with such compassion. I really feel like The Lord responds to us with great compassion. I could use more compassion and empathy in the way I parent. It feels good to know that I'm heard and understood and I know my children shine when they experience that as well. God please make my to do list fall to the bottom on the line when compared to my children. Please help me when I am lazy or just plain too selfish to respond in a loving and compassionate way to the sweet ones that you have given me. I am so blessed Lord . Let not the evil one kill , steal and destroy the blessing and legacy you have so richly given us.

Off today and was off yesterday. Not very connected much with anybody. I don't feel great so I'm positive that's the culprit. I wanna eat chocolate and I can't and that's not helping anything.

1 Sam 4-8:
There's a lot going on in these chapters. What stuck out the most to me though is how Samuel's sons did not walk in the same ways that he did.

Yet his sons did not walk in his ways but turned aside after gain. They took bribes and perverted justice. (1 Samuel 8:3 ESV)

My first reaction was to wonder what Samuel did wrong as a parent. Why do the Israelites offspring choose not to follow after The Lord like their parents?

I was reminded that regardless of whether or not we raise our children to fear The Lord there are no guarantees. Pride won't help my children come any closer to The Lord.

After reading the brief commentary part of the Daily Walk Bible I felt better about wondering what went wrong for Samuel as a parent. I don't want "ministry" to be the very thing that keeps me distracted from my ministry at home. So thankful for the six wild and wonderful children that call me Momma. Lord help grow me and shape me so that daily I grow more and more worthy of the call of motherhood.


Saturday, March 15, 2014

DAY 1304: 1 SAMUEL 1-3

My Lilly alarm went off super early this morning. Woke up easily but now eye lids heavy. Might snag another hour of sleep.

Sweet time with God this morning but very distracted. (Squirrel!) this morning could definitely sense the distraction being used as a tactic to keep me from quiet and solitude from The Lord this morning. Oh how subtle temptation and distraction creep in.

I forget how sweet the beginning of this book of the bible is. Sweet baby Samuel, a precious gift from The Lord. The Lord used Hannah's barrenness to glorify Himself. I get messed up every time I think about Hannah dropping Samuel off at tabernacle. I can't imagine taking Joshua somewhere and dropping him off so that he could be used for God. I want all my kids to be dedicated to The Lord but I'm sure as a momma some of the ways that might possibly come about could be incredibly painful. My babies are His and not mine and I must be faithful to prepare them for all that The Lord has planned for them. May my children be used to serve and glorify you Lord. May they come to understand that there is no higher calling or greater mission than running the race with you. May I be diligent to train their hearts and not turn my eye or excuse actions and behaviors that need to be addressed. Likewise help me be wise to not sweat the small stuff and get upset over childishness but rather be diligent to train against foolishness . Give me the wisdom to know the difference.

The words self discipline stick out even in these chapters. Help me to grow in this area. Help me to do the good I ought to do.


Friday, March 14, 2014

DAY 1303: RUTH 1-4

Another emotionally charged day with highs and sorrows. Going to try and squeak in an in home date night so this will be quick.

Ruth is one of those books of the bible that is a well known to me because it's a quick easy read and I've read it more than most books of the bible. This time it took on new meaning. The redeeming love story was more vivid this time. Reading it in light of the horror of the end of Judges made it come to life all the more.

Ruth being a young woman willing to glean in the fields was very brave and bold. Wrong field and she could have been easily raped. It was a crazy time in Israel. Yet even in the midst of this awful time in Israel there is still beauty to be seen in people. Boaz was a man after The Lord and he treated Ruth with dignity and love. Ruth's character speaks for itself in her humility and courage to provide for herself and her mother in law. Following The Lord was not cultural but the real deal. Don't have the right words to express exactly how this hit me tonight . Thankful for this ray of light amidst the darkness of Judges. Not everyone did as they saw fit. Great reminder to me to stand firm as this country goes to hell in a hand basket. :)


DAY 1302: JUDGES 17-21

I have a contact lost in my eyeball. Good times. My emotions have been all over the map this week. Friends getting their baby girl tomorrow, friend moving half way around the world, neighbors struggling, old neighbors making such encouraging decisions, beautiful weather and remembering why pollen is so evil.

Great time at lunch with a friend getting caught up, at the park and this evening with sweet friends. The Lord has blessed me with such incredible women. I'm thankful that if The Lord ever relocates our family it will be painful. So many people I love and care for deeply here. Such a blessing.

Hard moving away from Samson when I still feel like I'm chewing on it. So much in those four chapters.

This chapter sums up chapters 17-21:

In those days there was no king in Israel. Everyone did what was right in his own eyes. (Judges 21:25 ESV)

The Israelites are a hot stinking mess. They have turned away from God and the depravity is awful. I have no clue how The Lord has been able to be so patient with humanity for this long. Without Jesus as my King I'm just as depraved as these crazy Israelites.


Wednesday, March 12, 2014

DAY 1301: JUDGES 13-16

Read but passed out with baby . Oh that Samson!!! Thoughts tomorrow. Zzzzzzz


Tuesday, March 11, 2014

DAY 1300: JUDGES 9-12

Interesting day being torn between two strong emotions. Rejoicing for friends who have a date set to bring home their daughter and sadness over remembering a sweet baby boy's birthday. Memories are still so vivid and the grief when touched upon can still seem so incredibly fresh. My heart has been forever changed by a sweet precious boy that I can't wait to meet someday.

Took my new stroller out on its first maiden voyage. I had high hopes of running this morning but 6am rolled around and I went right back to sleep. Saw a friend at the park today though and think God is going to answer my desire for friends to workout with in the early AM. I'm lazy and apathetic apart from accountability. Comfort and ease if you please.

Judges 9-12:
Read most of this while the Bit fussed. No big take always other than just being disgusted with humanity. I am so hopelessly lost without Jesus. May I never loose sight of that.


Monday, March 10, 2014

DAY 1299: JUDGES 6-8

Outside and soaking up the beauty of the evening. A beautiful exhale. There's still tons of noise. That's one of the things I looked forward to in MS, the quiet. The pace here in Big D and even at WM can be kinda crazy.

There's the constant tension between lingering in the presence of a Holy God and doing. Lord whatever I do whether it be lingering or doing may I do it at your feet. I am desperate to learn how to walk each step, day in and day out, with you. I like the Israelites turn aside every single day. Help me to purge out all that is offensive to you and all that keeps me apart from you.

Still off the Paleo horse. I only confess because food is an issue with me. It took me along time to admit it. Right now I'm suffering from lack of planning and needing to go to the grocery store more than anything. I don't care about food enough to ever really want to cook it but it's a must if avoiding gluten and dairy. Bleh. Oh how much I crave comfort and ease, it's gross. Comfort and ease leads to nothing good. If anything it leads to stagnation and apathy. Lord help me to purge out my desire for comfort and ease. May I learn to turn to you for comfort and may I learn to yearn for you much more than ease.

Came home to find a a dbl jogging stroller on my porch. Oh sweet friends that never cease to stop amazing me. Guess this means there's no more excuses to not get my run on. My girl wants to run a 5K with me. I'm torn on this. Although it could be such a sweet time with her, I also kinda love the idea of getting out sometimes completely solo. Better to have her youth spurring me on than to do nothing at all. Have a feeling a sweet boy might end up joining us. The joys of dying to self. Better than dying while running which will happen till I find my stride once again.

Judges 6:
This is such an interesting an rich chapter. The Midianites have been persecuting Israel and the Israelites finally cried out to The Lord. The Lord calls Gideon to rescue his people.

The exchange between the Angel of The Lord and Gideon is interesting as well as when Gideon tears down the altar to Baal. Then there's the Golden Fleece which is fascinating to me. God is so patient with Gideon. He's so patient with me. Really want to stay here and camp but must move on.

Judges 7:
God cuts an army of 32,000 to only 300. Armed w/trumpets and torches Gideon and his 300 men defeated the Midianites. Love how God purposely wanted only a few soldiers in comparison to the vast army down below so that He would get the glory.

Love how God used a dream from the enemy camp to strengthen Gideon and give him courage. God cares for us and knows how hard it can be to walk in faith rather than look at our circumstances.

Judges 8:
Another chapter I'd love to tear into. Gideon is disappointing in the end and so are the Israelites. What a shame to just mail it the last past of your life. God help me not grow weary or complacent. Help me to finish the race strong.


Sunday, March 09, 2014

DAY 1298: JUDGES 2-5

Wiped today. It surely can't be just spring forward. Nothing big today. Ah no caffeine today! Maybe that explains the fog.

Judges 2:
This chapter saddens me. I want to know why the next generation chose not to obey The Lord. Did their parents not train them? Was it because the generation before them didn't have the faith to drive out all the inhabitants that ended up leading them astray? Was it a gradual decline? Was tolerance embraced rather than purging all the evil in the land including their brothers? What was the cause for the decline? I'm sure it was just a gradual decline all around . Faith wavered, the culture around them slowly embraced, little laws left unobserved here and there and before they knew it worshipping the baals became more important.

This chapter is such a great reminder to continue to ask The Lord to reveal the areas of my life that need work. The sin in my life needs to be purged little by little and it's a fight I must never get weary of.

Judges 3:
Pattern develops in Israel of disobedience, Israel being turned over to their enemies, Israel crying out and a judge given to deliver them. The land has a period of peace and then the cycle repeats itself.

Judges 4:
The length of Israelite oppression grows longer between each new judge. In this chapter Barack will not go without Deborah to war. Because of his wavering courage and faith a woman ended up with the honor that should have been due him.

Judges. 5:
The song of Deborah & Barack


DAY 1297: JUDGES 1

Heart full today. Party with just the small frys. Sweet story of a Momma who finally got to bring home her sweet baby after heartache and longing for a child. Birth of a precious baby boy whose family is now a party of 7. Tonight a precious friend married to form a beautiful powerhouse. So many great reasons to rejoice. Loved by my hubs who folded basket after basket of laundry and who got out on the dance floor even though that's not his favorite thing. Maybe just maybe one day we will become a dancing machine. Thankful for the wonderful gift of today.

Judges 1:
The Israelites lack faith and do not drive out the people in Canaan. What are my iron chariots? What circumstances seem too big for God?


Friday, March 07, 2014

DAY 1296: JOSHUA 22-24

Whew! Crazy birthday season is all over! Now maybe the small percentage of brain that still works can focus on other things.

Got to have fun tonight giving away adoption funds. Doubtful Les and I will ever be able to write a fat check to bless somebody but was fun to pass on generosity that was given to us. For the first time I have been able to say, if only to be able to be apart of somebody else's adoption story that we love, it was worth our adoption heartache.

I did have thoughts about adoption while at the Linger conference. Heard God say I've been preparing your heart. Honestly at this point I don't know if He's preparing hearts for my own child or adopted grandbabies one day. I don't know and the ache and longing refuses to go away. For now I do know our family is not yet complete. I don't know when or how it will be completed but I trust that The Lord will lead and guide us every step of the way. He is faithful and I'm responsible to listen to His call to just walk faithfully with Him and He will light my path.

I can't believe my boy is 7 today. Really feeling more connected to that sweet boy. God has been so good to begin to teach me to love that kid well. Feel little by little I'm getting there with my almost 6 year old too. So much to learn through this parenting gig.

Looking at old pics and I'm a mess now. Oh these sweet kids. Stop growing up so fast! Overwhelmed by how blessed we are to have six little arrows.

On another note fell off the Paleo wagon. Too hard to detox in the middle of birthday in your face. Simply not enough planning and not setting myself up for success. Oy! Thankful bday season is over for awhile.

Josh 22:
This chapter is interesting to me. The 2.5 tribes that decided to live outside of Canaan build a memorial altar so that their children would not think that they were not part of The Lord 's chosen and worship other gods. The rest of the tribes were ready to kick some booty because they thought they were being rebellious and offering sacrifices on an altar other than the altar at the Tabernacle. I see two things here.
1. If the 2.5 tribes had just gone into Canaan they wouldn't have been entertaining fears about their children thinking they were not part of Israel. They are already feeling the disconnect from their choice. Here's the unnerving part to me, they asked for the land and God gave it to them and nobody warned them that maybe just maybe that wasn't such a good idea.

Thankful for community but also mulling over just how easy it is to miss the mark and how crazy the consequences can be.

2. The other tribes were ready to do exactly what God told them to do, purge evil from the land. They didn't understand the intent but they were ready to do what the needed to.

Joshua 23:
Joshua gives the Israelites the final charge before he dies. He reminds them to be faithful to The Lord and not intermingle with those marked for destruction.

Josh 24:
Joshua gives last speech to Israelites and he dies. Unlike Moses Joshua did not have somebody he was teaching and training to take over after him.


Thursday, March 06, 2014

DAY 1295: JOSHUA 18-21

So wireless Wednesday didn't go off exactly the way I wanted. I did end up texting so I need to continue to figure all this out. I did miss processing my day but I did love reading from my physical bible. Love how I was forced to do that yesterday. Still tweaking but think eventually it will be great.

Saw my neighbor yesterday morning and my heart is so heartbroken over all that has gone on with her the past 6 months or so. She is in the process of finding a lawyer to get a divorce. My heart is so grieved over it and I've been praying about my part in everything. I feel like walls are up more than they used to be. God help me love her and her husband. Give my mouth words to speak. Show me how to love her as you would. I care about her deeply and I just want to love her well.

Joshua 18:
Benjamin's inheritance

Joshua 19:
The rest of the land is divided.

Joshua 20:
Five cities picked for those who accidentally killed someone to flee to so they would not be killed.

Joshua 21:
The cities and their pasturelands given to the Levities.

I think I'm supposed to be fired up at this point that all that The Lord promised has finally come true! I think there's part of me that thinks, of course it has come true God always keeps His promises. However, knowing that not all the Israelites fully obeyed God keeps me from celebrating. Maybe it's knowing what will happen in the long run keeps me somber. They didn't purge out all the evil and the price for the Israelites will be extremely high. I hate how fickle my own heart can be. How easily distracted I can be.

A sweet little four year old sage said yesterday "satan wants to make you forget God". Four and the kid nailed it. If we are distracted we loose sight of our mission. I loose sight of my mission and whose mission I'm on daily. Lord help me not grow lazy. Help me to stay focused. Help me to drive out all the "Canaanites" in my lives. Help me to purge out all the evil in my so that I might I honor you and serve you all the days of my life.

Lord guide me today. Help keep me tethered to you. Thank you for the encouragement of a kiddo speaking scripture out of her mouth and truly applying it. May I not grow weary of doing what is good and what is right today. Help me to cherish my children and love my husband well today and not waste the gift of today.


Tuesday, March 04, 2014

DAY 1293: JOSHUA 9-12

My sweet Bit is struggling tonight so we'll see how this goes. Falling off the Paleo wagon has cost both of us. Although a pain at times it will be worth getting back on tomorrow. For lent on Wednesdays I'm going wireless and text less. I won't get out an email on Wednesday's which will be weird but will still journal. I'll also forgo use of an electronic bible and do actual pen to physical bible. We'll see how it goes. Kind of excited about it. Not necessarily about
missing my daily email but more not being connected. Pretty confident it's killing me softly.

J 9:
Some Hivites used their craftiness to trick the Israelites to make a covenant of peace with them. Although The Lord commanded them to drive out all the people the Israelites could not drive these people out of the land because they made an oath by The Lord that they wouldn't hurt them.

So the men took some of their provisions, but did not ask counsel from the Lord. (Joshua 9:14 ESV)

We sure can get ourselves into a world of hurt if we do not stop and ask The Lord to guide us and direct us.

J 10:
One word sums up this chapter, conquest. The sun stands still and The Lord throws down stones from the sky and Joshua is victorious over southern Canaan. He is strong and courageous and The Lord goes before him mightily.

J 11:
Joshua whoops up on Northern. Canaan too. He obeys the commands that The Lord have to Moses that were passed down to him. Because of his obedience he had much favor in the Lord's sight and they won battle after battle. Only the people who had tricked Joshua to make a covenant of peace remained.

J 12:
Recap of all the kings Moses took down and then how many Joshua took down.'


Monday, March 03, 2014

DAY 1293: JOSHUA 6-8

Feel slightly invigorated today after bonus quiet time yesterday. I wrote out a manifesto of sorts for year 35. Obviously I need to add a weekly Mark 1:35 to the list. I'm not sure exactly how everything is going to work together but I do know that The Lord will provide the time and the space needed to accomplish the things written on my heart. Frankly if there isn't enough time maybe some of my "service" needs to go to the wayside. To always serve and not find the time to sit is a tragedy. To always sit and never serve is likewise the same.

Last night it hit me how the time I have left is fleeting. I'm not guaranteed tomorrow but I do have today and I really want these days to count, to matter for eternity.

Joshua 6:
This is a pretty crazy chapter. I think I often ignore it's magnitude because I've heard this story over and over again growing up. Joshua fought the battle of Jericho and the walls came tumbling down. Terror had already struck the people in the land of Canaan, I can only imagine how faint of heart the people began to grow as they heard the story of Jericho's walls coming down. If a Great Wall couldn't keep out the enemy what could. I do love how The Lord works in ways that are huge and earth shaking and in small quiet ways that frankly I probably frequently miss. Lord may I never grow out of awe over the magnificent things that you do and may you continue to open my eyes to see the daily ways that you work and move in my life.

Joshua 7:
Intense chapter. The Lord tells Joshua to take several thousand men and then go and attack the city of Ai. Long story short they get their tails whooped and 36 men die.

This is Joshua's response:
And Joshua said, "Alas, O Lord God, why have you brought this people over the Jordan at all, to give us into the hands of the Amorites, to destroy us? Would that we had been content to dwell beyond the Jordan! (Joshua 7:7 ESV

Just like the rest of the Israelites who grumbled and complained at every turn. It's just like me who can also grumble and complain at the first sign of hardship.

Why did you give me these children when I am so incredibly ill equipped?!

Just as The Lord told Joshua, He also tells me. Get up! What are you doing there laying on the ground.

Achan took what was to be devoted only to The Lord. Tribe by tribe, then clan by clan, then household by household and then man by man was brought forth and The Lord made Achan's hidden sin become known to everyone. Just as our hidden sin will one day be known to all. Achan and his sons and daughters are stoned and burned. The Lord was serious when he said all evil must be purged from Israel. I don't fully understand why Achan's children paid for his sin unless they were maybe an accessory to his crime? Not sure but hidden sin in families will eventually take out children down with us.

Joshua 8:
The Lord gives Joshua the winning plays to take down Ai. This made me think about my homemaker deficiencies. I want the winning playbook moves. I want the winning strategies. BUT it's my deficiencies that keep me tethered to Christ. If I had this household thing nailed down is be much less reliant on The Lord for day to day things. What's my real motivation to wanting a more ship shape household. Frankly it would just be nice to not always be in the darn weeds. But part of me just wants to be a rockstar. Part of me just wants some kind of order in the chaos. I trust that The Lord will guide me in my own battles if I'm willing to abide. If a game plan will hinder my abiding then let the chaos rule.


Advanced Maternal Age

Tonight I was blessed with some unexpected alone time. I had thought about whether or not I wanted to sit down and write out hopes or goals for wonderful year 35. I figured since I normally try to craft goals at the start of every year I was good. Tonight allowed me the opportunity to really think about this upcoming year and whether or not I want to look back and have some goals I've accomplished. As a matter of fact I think I do want to look back and see some goals that I set and actually had the self discipline to finish. I think maybe I've never been much of a goal oriented kinda gal because I've never really been disciplined enough to stick to a goal. Hard work does produce an incredible feeling of satisfaction. I would love to look back next year and realize that I indeed accomplished something.

At the start of the year there was this idea going around to focus on a word as a New Years resolution. I kicked around that idea for awhile at the start of the year but abandoned it eventually. Tonight the idea popped up again and I decided I want to focus on a word this year that I desire to grow in. The word I want to use is humility. Oh how the pride/ insecurity combo keeps me from being the humble woman I desire to be. I want to be humble. I want to be meek and mild. Those words were MY top three. Since I desire my life to be His it seems only fitting that I let Him choose the word for me. Through an interesting discovery that my blog was found by someone googling my husbands name and mine I ran across an old blog post that inspired the perfect word. Joy. I think I have the market on joy, thank you pride, but I don't. Anger and joy often don't coexist. I have moments of joy yet if I search my heart my life is not marked by joy. The emotion I most often feel is anger. If I really want to dig deeper under the anger is sadness and feelings of inadequacy and unworthiness. The Lord has done a mighty work in me yet there is still much more to be done. Maybe in my advanced maternal age I'll be blessed with yet another daughter and we will call her Joy. Or maybe one day when I'm in heaven The Lord will rename me Joy. Nonetheless this is my word for 35.

I don't have much else new but I do want to look back on 35 and smile with the satisfaction that I stuck with the Daily Walk Bible and read the entire bible in a year and memorized the Sermon on the Mount. I fear that I've been slipping greatly on my memorization of the SOTM but it's a goal I deeply desire to accomplish.

Here's the new twist on things. Lent is coming up and I desire to practice abstaining from something. One year I gave up sweets for an entire year. It was incredibly difficult yet so good. This year I think I want to go for another year long fast. This Wednesday marks the beginning of Lent so what a perfect time to begin. The most obvious type of fast to me is one that would cause me to disconnect. I've wondered how to logistically make that work and tonight I believe The Lord has answered. Starting Wednesday and every Wednesday for a year I will disconnect from my phone. The only exception is to use Google Maps if needed. My phone will be a phone and nothing but a phone on Wednesdays. No texts, email, internet, ect. This makes things interesting for my daily email but I have a small moleskin I can carry around to take notes of things that The Lord reveals. On Wednesday's I will open a real bible and read from there. Imagine that.

To sum up 35 I will focus on joy, read the entire bible straight thru, memorize Sermon on the Mount and disconnect on Wednesday's. Looking forward to all that The Lord has in store for year 35.

Sent from my iPhone

Sunday, March 02, 2014

DAY 1292: JOSHUA 1-5

Thankful today was my unbirthday. Lots of sweet messages from friends and God's gift to me, Thunder Sleet. All in all I gotta say it's been a pretty sweet weekend.

Kinda fired up about the new series at church. Discipline has definitely not been something I've historically been good at. I'm growing but still have a long way to go.

Joshua 1:
Be strong and courageous is repeated multiple times. What an honorable call in everyday life. What if everyday I work up with that as the forefront of my mind, be strong and courageous. No time to battle insecurity, guilt and shame, exhaustion, ect if I try to tackle my day being strong and courageous knowing that God is with me everywhere I go. Pretty awesome.

Ch 2:
Love the story of Rahab and how she plays such a role in His Story. Love the reminder that our past never disqualifies us from His love or His ability to use us in mighty ways.

Ch 3:
(Ah Lilly Bit finally gave it up and now is sleeping on my chest. One of the best parts of being a Momma is having a sleeping babe on your chest.)

Israelites pass thru the overflowing wasters of the Jordan by act of a miracle. The Lord tells Joshua he will establish his leadership with the Israelites the same way he did w/Moses.

Ch 4:
The Lord commands the Israelites to take a stone from the bottom of the Jordan, one for each tribe to serve as a memorial stone. Want to create our family's memorial stones.

Ch 5:
Joshua circumcised all those who weren't. The Israelites celebrate Passover and manna no longer falls since the Israelites can now eat off the fruit of the land. Then it really gets crazy as Joshua meets the commander of the Lords army. Crazy! Can't help but have the song God of Angel Armies go through my head. How sweet of God to allow Joshua that opportunity so that he could indeed be strong and courageous. God set Joshua up in such a sweet way. He was probably still broken hearted over Moses and probably wondered if he could live up to Moses. Then God sets him up and prepares him in such sweet ways. Oh how He loves us!


Saturday, March 01, 2014

DAY 1291: DEUT 29-

My guts are angry at what happened today and I fear tomorrow my joints will be even more upset. Worth it for a day of fun! Sweet hubs planned a fun day and it was so sweet to see how God threw in as well to make the day all the more sweeter. At Joe T's there was a pretty substantial line to the road. We decided to stick with the plan and be gamers. We were in line for three minutes at the most before they pulled us in front of everybody else because of the size of our party. BrownTown party of 8 paid off big time! People who were ahead of us in line were still waiting when we left. Felt like a huge hug from my Dad. Then at our next stop for cake, which was so yummy, somebody picked up our tab because they were fired up about our large family due to having had their own. Come on! Who does that? Obviously The Lord wants us to move to FW. No, not really but so sweet to see His hand in my day. That He cares so much for me is insane. His timing to drop those sweet I love you's as my heart has been hurting is all the more sweeter. 

Capped off the day at the log cabin village. Love watching my kids play and image all kinds of things. Sweet sweet day that felt like vacation. So very thankful! The greatness is tomorrow there is supposed to be thunderstorms which is one of my favorite things AND maybe another icemagedon. I LOVE crazy weather disruption. Love it!!! Maybe just maybe I'll get a bonus Monday with my hubs. Fireplace and movies would be fantastic! If I'm super lucky maybe I'll get tomorrow night too! Bring on advanced maternal age, I'm ready for ya!!

Deut 29:
Love this verse:
"The secret things belong to the Lord our God, but the things that are revealed belong to us and to our children forever, that we may do all the words of this law. (Deuteronomy 29:29 ESV)

There are many things we will never understand this side of heaven. Yet the words He has left with us we can be assured of and it is a gift to us, to our children and our grandchildren. Lord may my love for your Word abound more and more richly. May my children be very much aware of how much their Daddy and their Momma love your Word and strive to abide by it and walk with you. May they model the deep love for Word and fall in love with it too. May you be our greatest treasure and your Word our greatest  hope that leads to our greatest joy.

Deut 30:
I really love this chapter. The Lord addressing forgiveness and repentance and how His word is accessible to us.

"For this commandment that I command you today is not too hard for you, neither is it far off. It is not in heaven, that you should say, 'Who will ascend to heaven for us and bring it to us, that we may hear it and do it?' Neither is it beyond the sea, that you should say, 'Who will go over the sea for us and bring it to us, that we may hear it and do it?' But the word is very near you. It is in your mouth and in your heart, so that you can do it. (Deuteronomy 30:11-14 ESV)

We especially in America have access to the bible EVERYWHERE. Many of us have a stack of bibles in our homes yet often they do nothing more than collect dust. May you woo us Lord to love your Word, to cherish it and honor it.

Deut 31:
Yet another great chapter. Joshua is commissioned to lead the people of Israel. Even in all the joy and celebration of the people crossing over to the Promise Land,  The Lord and Moses know that once the people get comfy and the abundance rolls in they will turn aside and walk in evil ways. Yet even though The Lord will hide His face from His people as they walk in evil ways He will never leave them or forsake them. He's always there waiting for a repentant heart.

Be strong and courageous. Do not fear or be in dread of them, for it is the Lord your God who goes with you. He will not leave you or forsake you." (Deuteronomy 31:6 ESV)

Deut 32:
It just struck me how odd it is that Moses sons are never really mentioned. 

This chapter is a song Moses wrote that was to be taught to the people of Israel and The Lord telling Moses that he is to go up a mountain and be gathered to his people.

Deut 33:
Moses final blessing to the tribes of Israel. 

Deut 34:
Moses dies and The Lord buries him. Completely blown away that The Lord buries him!! How have I missed that all these years!? Moses is shown all of the Promise Land and then he dies. Seems unfair and sad but homeboy actually got the better deal! Love that!!