Saturday, May 31, 2014

DAY 1380: JOB 40-42

One of those days where a ton of stuff needed to get done but only a fraction of it actually got done. In many ways I feel like this is the story of my life. Most days I'm okay with it but I'm so tired and all I really want to do is have a good heart to heart conversation with someone and forget about a stupid to do list. I haven't really thought about it in these terms but I think that's why I feel so weary because the last month or so has been filled with rushing around to accomplish a to do list. Nothing empties my tank faster. Darn to do lists!! Looked at my June calendar though and for the most part it's beautifully empty and full of wonderful opportunities to just be and just be with people in a relaxed way. Thank you God!

I've gotten some incredibly sweet emails the last couple days from cherished friends. From them I realized that my feelings of unworthiness/shame & guilt do indeed go hand in hand with pride. I've missed opportunity with the fun treats my kids have been blessed with to point it all back to God. He cares about them and wants to give lavishly to them. He wants that for me too. I'm focused too much on self to see Him and remember who God is and what He can do.

I think I feel like a train wreck these days and it has bled over into so many of my issues. The days have been wonderfully hard and I think because it has felt so difficult lately I feel like a failure.

I think it's possible doing Well has stirred up more feelings of inadequacy than I thought. I desire to eat healthy and want to but I can't pull myself together enough right now to make it happen. If I could feed my family frozen pizza every night I surely would and trust me it's pretty close right now. I expect parenting to be hard, well at least most of the time I can remind myself of that. I just can't figure out why feeding my family is so stressful and difficult. I'm reminded of my failure three times a day. I think this coupled with money stuff which can be such instant shame for me has just started an ugly snowball. Thankful for sweet words from friends to remind me that this is not truth.

Come to think of it though money will probably always be an issue with me. Money was handled weird with my mom and stepdad and I was often left to feel guilty of what was provided for me. I could always be shipped back to the "rathole" I came from. Bleh.

God help me not ooze all my crap onto my kids. Continue to do a mighty work on my heart. I'm thankful that I'm yours and I'm chosen.

Job 40-42:
So much good and interesting stuff here. Love Job's humility. So much more but can't keep my eyes open.

D

Friday, May 30, 2014

DAY 1379: JOB 37-39

On the go all day. So not my favorite. Would rather have spent the afternoon hanging at the park with friends. Feeling very task oriented trying to get us ready for Amarillo and I'm not a big fan. Wish dealing with all the running checklists wasn't so hard for me and such a beat down. The stars. Must remember the beauty of the stars I'll be seeing soon. Looking forward to kicking my husband's booty at some Canasta too.

Sweet friend bought our kiddos treats tonight. I'm so thankful for sweet friends and their generous hearts but it's so humbling to me. Friends have blessed us with so much over the years from a gianormous tent, to a dishwasher to lots of other big and little things along the way. Today I met with a sweet girl I'm mentoring and was able to point out underlying struggles with shame, guilt and feelings of unworthiness. I think my greater issue in receiving isn't necessarily pride but rather feeling unworthy and feeling like a burden. Ugh. Oh to come to the end of myself would be fantastic!

Hoping the Bit will sleep better than she did last night. It was slightly brutal. Think allergies or her ear or both have been giving her grief this past week. Everything is the fault of pollen right now.

Job 37-39:
God reminds God of how great He is by taking a stroll through nature.

Zzzzz
D

Thursday, May 29, 2014

DAY 1378: JOB 35-

Well kicked my bum today and it wasn't a crazy hard workout either. That's what I get for not getting the workouts done on my own. Going to have to keep up with them next week when we're in Amarillo.

Great day with peeps new and old celebrating the end of the year or rather for us the beginning of summer school. Yay homeschool! It was a beautiful day and I'm thankful for time outside and kids set free to explore. Kids set free to explore just might be my favorite thing about homeschooling. Nature is one heck of a wonderland for learning. I'm really excited about seeing some fantastic stars out in Palo Duro. It's been awhile since I've seen a great sky without all the light pollution.

Somebody asked me the other day about what happened with Missafrickensippi. I'm so glad we are here. I will go where ever God tells us to go but for now thankful to be here. Now if only here could be moved out of Dallas. Come on Watermark Hawaii!!

A sweet friend bought my kiddos snow cones today. Humbling and so sweet all at the same time. I had already prepped my kiddos that weren't going to get any. They are used to hearing no and I think they had taken it in stride for the most part but it was super sweet for them to be blessed.

Trying to figure out the pool pass thing for this summer. We shouldn't get one. This month has been a bit crazy but our van runs, our dog is alive, we lack nothing and we are so incredibly blessed. It did occur to me today though that being in the house in the heat of summer with three wild rambunctious boys sounds miserable. I love my boys but their energy is boundless. Definitely got spoiled last summer being a pool rat and wearing out kids. The fact that I've spent the amount of time trying to figure it out is ridiculous. Such a silly first world problem. Perspective sure is something.

Job 35-36:
Fading but goodness Elihu!!! Still yacking up a storm. I'm repulsed by Elihu and yet I see myself so clearly in him. Thankful for this piercing sword. The heart surgery is oh so good!

Zzzzzz
D

Wednesday, May 28, 2014

DAY 1377: JOB 33-34

Sitting in my ReEngage prayer closet. I love this little space and the peace and quiet. There is so much quiet that lacks on a daily basis. So much energy that daily needs to be poured out or it's put into efforts that can make a momma's head spin. Thankful for a neighborhood park that's being built this summer. May it offer much respite and become a magical place to learn and explore. In many ways I feel it may be an answer to our tiny backyard and rapidly shrinking house. Sweet little bodies are growing up quickly.

Productive school day. It was a holy beating but kids learned and had fun. At one point today all I could think of was how incredibly difficult all of this is. Then I remembered of course it is hard!!! Everything in our society as American's is about obtaining things for our comfort and ease. Have it your way. It's instant and fast and supposed to be easy. Yet there CAN be joy in difficulty and there can be joy in sorrow. It's hard to see it in Job's situation right now but morning is coming. Again I have to echo that I think the worst part of Job's situation is his feeling separated from God. I definitely experienced that in Portland more than I ever have before as a follower of Christ. It felt as if we were being punished. I also know my trust in who God is and my understanding of His character has grown a lot in the past 8ish years. I'm thankful for that and I pray my knowledge of who He is and my trust of Him will only continue to grow over the years.

Job 33-34
Whew! Elihu is quite the prideful young buck. Lord help me not to be an Elihu.

After reading commentary to help understand wordy McWordysome I can't keep my eyes open.

D

Tuesday, May 27, 2014

DAY 1376: JOB 32-

Longest day ever. Started with a sweet girl who set off our alarm at 6am who had a stomach bug. Felt horrible for the sweet girl. Nothing worse than not being home when you are sick especially when your host home can't let you watch tv all day because school is in session. Long day of school with lots of long breaks in between. Felt productive school wise but not sure how to keep up the pace with a big trip coming soon. The whole balance thing is a total whip. I've got 6 full weeks of school I want to get done this summer in order to feel like we've made it where I feel good about our school year. It's been an uphill battle with Bellilly for sure but worth the struggle.

Again just feeling overwhelmed with the idea of packing for Amarillo. It's packing and camping and thinking through road trip entertainment. That's three things too many for my brain to be able to process.

Missed a sweet friend's celebration of life today which was hard but think I made the right call to stay home. My girl is in much need of time with her mom and her daddy after a long weekend of doing nothing but playing with her friend. I've missed my sweet girl too so it was good to start the reconnection process this evening. It's hard to figure out what the best thing is on most given days. Hoping tonight was a wise choice and will sow the seeds of just how much she is loved.

Job 32:
I don't much want to read Job tonight as it feels like an emotional beat down. I do admire him this time through more than I ever have.

I resonate with Elihu sadly. He is angry and chomping at the bit to speak. Oh that I was slower to anger and slower to speak.

For I am full of words; the spirit within me constrains me. Behold, my belly is like wine that has no vent; like new wineskins ready to burst. I must speak, that I may find relief; I must open my lips and answer. (Job 32:18-20 ESV)

It's all about Elihu. Ew! I know it's The Lord who made me to have a fire in my belly BUT wisdom would be to grow to be slower to speak and slower to become angry. My heart is wicked and deceitful and just because I have a word in my mouth it most definitely doesn't mean it's the spirit whose moving me to speak.

Lord help me to be slower and wiser.

D

Monday, May 26, 2014

DAY 1375: JOB 29-31

I have a wild toddler who should be sleeping but is instead trying to keep her baby sister up. Hurray co-sleeping!! If anybody had told me how many offspring would be sleeping in my bed on any given night I would have thought they were crazy. Thank you God for all the crazy and insane changes you have made in me over the past decade. I adore the six little stinkpots you have used daily to change this stubborn and prideful heart of mine.

Fun day with the perfect balance of hanging with friends and family. Outside fun has my lungs and sinuses all whacked but it was a perfect overcast day. Enjoying the mild days before having to deal with days hotter than Satan's armpit.

Whew! Baby minions finally asleep. Thankful for these sweet baby girls. STILL can't believe we have two baby girls!!

Having the hardest time staying focused tonight. Darn ADHD going nuts tonight!!

Job 29:
Job remembers what life used to be like. He was a man many looked up to and went to for wise council. He talked the talk and walked the walk. Elder material here!

Job 30:
Even the people who are the "scum of the earth" scorn Job now. He is in all kinds of pain and his despair is an endless pit.

Job 31:
Job lays out all the sin he could have possibly done and asked that all the blind spots be removed so that any sin could be revealed.

This book is so painful. It's good but it's a heartache to read. There are so many around us who are suffering. I get it to some extent. I have been the silent sufferer, the walking corpse. Lord open my eyes to those who know you and those who need you who are silently or not so silently suffering.

D

Sunday, May 25, 2014

DAY 1374: JOB 25-28

Watched a short film on foster care and my heart was ripped out. The foster/adoption hole in my heart has yet to close. I imagine there is much growth left to do to prepare this aching heart for what lies ahead in the future. Until then I do indeed have my hands full of blessing with the six Brownies God has blessed us with.

Not up to par as much as I had hoped today. A full tank of gas is needed for this crew and I didn't quite have all that I needed. I resorted to caring more about controlling rather than training. My lap proved to just not be big enough for all the sweet ones who needed to be loved on today. It's a daily sanctification process. I'm so incredibly thankful for it.

I was thinking about a sweet friend who is in the postpartum stage and I couldn't help but think about how insanely difficult motherhood truly is. From morning sickness to post baby hormones and body changes to how crazy difficult it is to raise another human being. It truly is the hardest job on the face of the planet and yet it can be the most rewarding if we don't let the beauty of the pain and difficulty slip through our fingers. Lord don't let the difficulty hide the beauty but make the difficulty draw me closer to you which is part of the beauty of motherhood. I tried to go solo today and it did not go well. Help wake me up out of the haze so that I might draw strength from you and you alone.

Headed to Amarillo next week. Overwhelmed a bit at the idea of packing and prepping for a week long camping trip. Bummed about the burn ban too. I have low expectations for this trip but my heart is set or rather ready for grand adventure.

Job 25-28:
His friends keep going and going and going. Job answers back with the greatness of God and the infinite value of God's wisdom.

D

Saturday, May 24, 2014

DAY 1373: JOB 21-24

Well this weekend is not turning out exactly as I had planned. There are days I've dreamed of spending the day in bed. It's not very much fun when you really need to spend the day in bed. Felt like I had got run over by a truck this morning. Thankful for a sweet hubs willing to wrangle 7 wild kids so I could rest today.

This evening Les pointed out what a disaster it would have been if we had our block party today. Sweet provision! I do look forward to pulling something together this summer for the hood but not the day after a puke bug please.

Job 21:
Job wonders why the wicked seem to prosper.

22:
Eliphaz continues to press that Job has sinned greatly.

23:
Job expresses that if only he could find God, God would give him a fair trial.

24:
Job continues with how the wicked prosper and rule over the weak.

D

Friday, May 23, 2014

DAY 1373: JOB 20-21

Not wanting to mail this in but looks like it's going to happen anyway. Date night. Wahoo!! Don't care what we do. Maybe we'll go to the library where it's quite.

Got some housework stuff done today. It's always depressing how you can spend almost all day cleaning and find that it's already gotten dirty again by the end of the way. The mess makers are worth it!

Can't believe my Lilly Love is 9 months. So thankful for that energy draining peanut. Was thinking today again how different things could have been with her. It truly is by God's grace she is here. It's truly by God's grace that any of us are here. So thankful He is Sovereign even when things do not go the way we desire them to go. He can turn even the darkest hour beautiful.

----------------
Well goodness gracious! That will be a memorable date. Went to Whiskey Cake and sat and waited for over an hour. Started having a funky tummy and felt more nauseous as the hour went on. Les went to see where we were on the list and when he came back I knew it was a bug. Hit traffic and was just hoping to keep it together till we got home. Things have erupted and I feel a bit better but hoping to be asleep before round two. Thankful for my sweet hubs trying to pacify our Bit.

Job 20:
Read in the car. More grief towards Job. Ugh!

Looking like round two is not wasting it's time. Sigh.

D

Thursday, May 22, 2014

DAY 1372: JOB 18-19

Not much to say. Not a bad day, a magical day or the best day ever. It just was and I'm just tired.

I was angry this morning about being up so early. I'm always thankful in the end but getting up is brutal. I need to figure out something to do some time this weekend to make up for not going to Well on Monday. Such a love hate relationship going on right now.
-------
Forget how lovely an evening shower can be. Thank you Lord for hot running water. It's a blessing I take for granted every single day.

Walking down to the neighborhood school to pick up our honorary extra Brownie this week has re-opened the pang of what I miss out on being a mom who homeschools. There is so much opportunity in that school. So much!! Have loved being up in the middle of that school the past couple days. Yet in the same breath I was reminded that there are things God is cultivating in our family, in my hubs, me and my Brownies that wouldn't be happening if I sent my kiddos to school. I hate all that I missing out on but there would be so much more I would be missing if we weren't homeschooling. We get to love our neighbors in a different way and will love on whoever The Lord throws in our path. Hard to be grieving over what is lost yet thankful for where The Lord has us right now. I could see homeschooling through high school and I can also see throwing them in school tomorrow. I'm open to whatever God has planned for our family and for today I give thanks that His plans are so much better than mine.

Need to wrap this up so I can scheme on how to get a certain husband back for sticking a baby spaghetti booty in my face. Not going to mention any names but that unnamed person should be afraid, very afraid. (insert maniacal laugh)

job 18-19
Oh man. "Friends" still at it and Job continues to be distraught and heartbroken.

"How long will you torment me and break me in pieces with words? (Job 19:2 ESV)

This verse kills me. Oh Lord help me not to do this with the ones I love especially the ones I'm most likely to do this to, my family. So convicted over the power of prideful words in this book.

Job is crushed yet not yet defeated.

For I know that my Redeemer lives, and at the last he will stand upon the earth. (Job 19:25 ESV)

Amen and Amen!!!

D

Wednesday, May 21, 2014

DAY 1371: JOB 16-17

The camping fun continues with chigger itchiness continuing and a free roaming tick found on the back of my sons ear. That's a total of 5 ticks for the youngest boy. He's so sweet they just love him to death.

Big van woes as a spark plug issue turned out to actually be quite the expensive leak. Thankful for transportation and look forward to living lean after our trip to Amarillo. At least that will be a bit cheaper thanks to sweet friends who gave us their swanktacular tent. There is lots of stuff hitting all at once though. Stinks but in the same way I think it will be good! I like a challenge and it's good to shake things up.

I have a poor sweet girl with a stomach bug. Hoping she is done for the night for her sake and praying the sweet girl staying with us for a week doesn't get it. I imagine there's not a lot of things worse than being a kid and not having mom and dad there when you are sick. Makes me thankful for sweet friends who watched our crew while we were in MS and one of ours got sick. Helps as a Momma to know your babies are safe and loved on well while you are away.

JOB 16-17:
Depressing chapters. My heart aches for Job as he has lost hope. I can't imagine the suffering of this man. There are Job's all around us. Some of them as blameless as he and others who have added to their torment by their own choices. Lord give me eyes to see those who are hurting. Help me to shut up and just sit in the ashes. Continue to humble this prideful heart of mine.

D

Tuesday, May 20, 2014

DAY 1370: JOB 15

It was a very loud day today. Headache did not make for much fun. Tried to get this in earlier and I did get a chance to read for today while I had kids listen to some of our Ambleside stuff online. Not my favorite way of "teaching" but sometimes you just gotta do what you gotta do.

Well kicked my buns this morning and it's kicking my buns now as it's a fight to keep my eyes open.

Can't think but the word compassion was an echo from yesterday.

"I have heard many such things; miserable comforters are you all. (Job 16:2 ESV)

Lord help me to be a great source of comfort to my family and friends.

Zzzzzzzzz

D

Monday, May 19, 2014

DAY 1369: JOB 5-14

Exhausted, exhausted, exhausted. The daily doldrums are heavy and thick right now. I think it's no coincidence that I'm sitting in Job right now. I'm exhausted from the exhaustion but I give thanks for the empty tomb. Sweet time this morning in Romans 6. Going to cut this shorter than I'd like so there can be less of me and more time with Him. I want to drink from a fire hydrant.

Job 5-14:
These passages are so incredibly heavy. Job's spirit is so crushed. It feels as if God is not there and even his wife and friends refuse to bring him comfort. Everything except for his very breath has been stripped away. Oh how he longs to just die.

This book of the bible scares the stink out of me. The thought of this kind of trail is scary but the worst of it is walking it without having The Lord beside me. Or better yet feeling as if He is beside me.

Why do you hide your face and count me as your enemy? (Job 13:24 ESV)

This verse causes feelings of utter despair. I know God is with me but I feel so incredibly weary lately. I don't even have real words to put why either. I feel a deep ache and almost a desperation to sit at His feet for long and extended times yet I don't know how to do this without making even my time with God an idol. How can I tune out those that I love in order to take the kind of deep and lengthy retreat that my soul desperately desires.

I'm in a strange place right now. Maybe The Lord is highlighting my desperate need for Him in ways He never has before. Maybe I'm coming more to the end of myself. Maybe I'm a fool and fooling myself and I'm putting the wrong things first and I'm living a life filled with idolatry. I don't know. I'm not in a bad place per say yet I feel incredibly hungry, needy and desperate.

There is a bible study that is lead by two women I respect immensely. It's Tuesday mornings during the day and I have no idea how to make it work but I'm praying that somehow The Lord will provide. I really want to do a study on my street yet I can't figure out what. Maybe this is the reason. I think it's possible I'm just at a place in my life where I'm ready and willing to be humble enough to allow others to pour into me. Maybe it's not even that but rather it's something I've wanted and right now I'm just desperate enough to get it no matter what the cost.

I'm hate using words like desperate for fear I sound depressed or in a bad place. I don't feel either exactly but I know I could be wrong. I don't feel sad or hopeless. I'm probably more introspective than joyful right now but I don't lack joy. Although I hate to use the word I really think desperate nails it. I feel incredibly desperate for Him. I want to know Him with every fiber of my being. I know my view of The Lord is so incredibly small. I'm like Job's friend. I know things that are true about God but it's limited and it's only the tip of the iceberg.

D

Sunday, May 18, 2014

DAY 1368: JOB 4-

We are all traumatized by the chiggers. Lukey will indeed have his birthday go down in the books. Already looking forward to the family tales of the weekend the chiggers ran amuck. I'm all about a good story and memories made together. I'm also thankful Palo Duro Canyon is as dry as the dust bowl and chiggers will not be an issue (insert knocking on wood).

-------
Snakes, scorpions and chiggers camping is a glorious wonderland. I'm so wonderfully exhausted. Thankful I managed to escape being bitten by two scorpions today and that my Bit escaped a bite too. Thankful for brave friends and for once paying attention.

Thinking I might pass on Well tomorrow. Had a bad attitude about snuggling with my babies tonight simply because of my to do list verses the amount of sleep I feel like I need tonight. The dog is finally getting the gianormous tumor removed, an early morning meeting, and fall out from a hardcore weekend of camping will be enough without me being a tired angry troll too. I'm already going to be starting this week off in a deficit and we'll have an extra person in the family for 5ish days this week. Wisdom says an extra couple hours of sleep would be wise. Leaving it up to The Lord. Setting my Jesus alarm if I'm supposed to be at Well I know who will get me up and at em to be there.

Job 4:
They did a lot better when they just sat with Job quiet.

Zzzzzzzz
D

DAY 1367: JOB 2-

Doh! Just realized this neither saved nor sent yesterday. Just a blank email remains. I think my post was something like this.

Love camping, glorious day but chiggers chiggers chiggers. Job remains full of integrity inspire of his wife's encouragement to curse God and die.

D

Saturday, May 17, 2014

DAY 1367: JOB 2-

Bummed for my hubs. What was supposed to be a lighter morning at work is looking like it's going to be the usual grind. Not crazy fun after a night of camping sleep. Nobody goes camping to catch up on sleep. Thankful for a calmer night.

Good day full of friends and chigger bites. Thankful for the sweet family we are camping with. Thought we would never find anybody brave or crazy enough in Dallas to want to go camping. Little did we know we would find four families willing to brave pollen, ticks and chiggers. I can deal with the ticks but I must admit the chiggers are a bit much.

Job 2-3:
Love how Job holds strong even after his body is afflicted. Would be so hard especially if your spouse was encouraging you to curse God too. Brutal.

Zzzzz
D

Friday, May 16, 2014

DAY 1366: JOB 1-

Exhausted and chigger bite infested but heart full celebrating my Lukey's birthday with friend's. Love being able to set my kids loose while we're camping. With pee holes and scorpions how could this not be a blissful adventure for kids? Thankful for friends who love camping as much as we do! Not so thankful about all the chigger bites.

Job 1-3:
Ah Job! So not looking forward to this book. It brings up memories of shaking my fist at God and questioning how such awful things could happen on His watch. Thankful I'm not shaking my fist today and hoping to bask in His sovereignty through all of this. I must confess that part of me will always wonder when I wind up here if something awful is headed just around the corner.

Job 1 is so incredibly challenging. God allows everything except Job's health to be taken away and his response is beautiful. Grief meets worship in an amazing way. The Lord gives and The Lord takes away. Blessed be the name of The Lord. He is good all the time even when things don't go the way we would desire them to go. On that note I'm out but will chew on that as I drift off.

D

Thursday, May 15, 2014

DAY 1365: ESTHER 8-10

Laying in a tent the size of a hotel room thanks to wonderful and stubborn friends. Glamping is so awesome!!!! Forgot all the stuff to do birthday surprises for my boy. Feel awful!! Praying my Lukeypotamus feels loved and celebrated regardless.

Back and neck killing me. Might finally be time to make my first ever chiropractor appt.

Scattered thoughts tonight. Tired. Good tired. Got out to our campsite later than I had hoped and didn't get the gravy train site I had hoped for. Grumbled internally like a spoiled brat and then decided to get over myself. Moon is so crazy beautiful tonight. I love camping! I will admit after a couple snake stories and then reading one I'm a bit freaked out. Choosing to take thoughts captive and rest in His sovereignty than worry. I did drive the van to the potty tonight though :).

Esther 8-10:
Such a great reminder that God is in control even when circumstances are incredibly bleak. Some of the stuff in these chapters is completely over my head and I need to go back and look up some commentary. Looking forward to some time with Jesus this weekend!

D

Wednesday, May 14, 2014

DAY 1364: ESTHER 1-7

My sweet little Bit is still up. Today I was more concerned about controlling my children than loving them and turdishness from me ensued. It's exhausting being a parent but goodness I got a good look at my sin today. The truth is I've been getting my butt kicked. I've been so busy that I've failed to carve away that much needed soul space. It's weird to say it as an extrovert but now more than ever I desperately need quite uninterrupted time with The Lord to fill up my tank. I'm desperate for it and my sailor mouth can attest to the fact that I'm running on fumes. I'm struggling to find balance because I'm not sitting at the feet of the only One who hands in the balance. So looking forward to getting out with the ticks and the rattle snakes and some quiet and sweet times with family and friends.

Speaking of friends great time at ReEngage tonight. Love that we got to laugh and have a good time and dig in and do some work too. I even got a few minutes in a makeshift prayer closet to pour out my heart before my Lord. So thankful for abundant grace!

Esther 1-7:
Quick gallop through most of Esther tonight to get caught up. First chapter is weird as the drunk king calls for his wife to be a trophy in front of a drunk audience. Poor Queen Vashti had no way of winning in this situation. To make things worse the kings wise men were a bunch of knuckleheads who gave horrible advice.

The next chapter is like watching a season on the Bachelor. It's so gross to me but so interesting how God can even use the yuck for his glory.

Love Mordecai's relationship w/Esther. He's raised her and loved her and tries to keep tabs which is so incredibly sweet. It's also amazing how God uses Mordecai's concern for Esther to put him in the right place at the right to save the king.

Darn! Fading rapidly.

D

Tuesday, May 13, 2014

DAY 1363: NEHEMIAH 10-12

Pretty good day. There's one chunk of my day that I wish I had made better choices. Les ran errands with boys and Abbie stayed home and I kept on my agenda rather than fully investing that time with her. I'm so run down though and camping prep will not get done by itself. Hard to juggle all the moving pieces.

Waking up to a clean kitchen was fabulous so made sure to scrub the sink again. Need to be careful as I could easily make that an idol. Running the race requires lots of staying the course not veering to the left or the right. My personality is so not wired to be middle of the road. Extremes are more my thing. Ugh.

Good time tonight hanging with my gals. Thankful to be surround by a group of gals who love Jesus are weird homeschoolers and who love me enough to speak truth into my life. Homeschooling is filled with blood, sweat and tears but thankful for the last several days of reminders of why I do what I do. You don't have to homeschool to hit the goals we desire for our family but it sure doesn't hurt.

Nehemiah 10-12:
Eyes won't stay awake.

D

Monday, May 12, 2014

DAY 1362: NEHEMIAH 9

I was angry about having to get up this morning. Once up and at Well I was thankful. Was able to run an almost half mile w/out stopping. Might not be much for some but for this completely out of shape gal it was quite the accomplishment especially when I did it again after a workout called "the filthy 25". A half mile closer to getting my fluffy buns across the line of a 5K again. Look forward to when I officially find my stride again.

Sitting at my kitchen table looking at my sink which is scrubbed and a wonderful sight to behold. Thankful for a sweet friend's encouragement to give myself the gift of a scrubbed sink every night.

-----
Don't know how it happened but got sucked into the Facebook abyss and tumbled onto a blog of a boy who probably only has hours left to live. This world can be so incredibly brutal. I can't even imagine the heartache of loosing a child. God help them.

Ch 9:
Rehash of God's faithfulness and Israel's idolatry.

Zzzzzz

D

Sunday, May 11, 2014

DAY 1361: NEHEMIAH 8

Got a good night of sleep after days and days of being in deficit. Seriously could have slept all day. Completely thrilled about having to get up tomorrow at 5:15am. Praying the Bit will at least stay asleep so my hubs can sleep in.

Realized today while scrubbing my sink that co-op days are on Monday which is the same day as Nest meetings. I'm going to see if we can switch the day but if that is not possible it looks as though that chapter will be ending. I have much peace about whatever may happen. So thankful to not have my identity wrapped up in that ministry, although I do love it so. I will serve there as long as The Lord sees fit and if and when the time does come to walk away it will be sad but I'm so thankful for the opportunity to have served alongside such amazing women.

Thankful today that six little people call me Momma today. Today was an ordinary Sunday in many regards but my heart is filled with gratitude that I get to do this with my hubs. I never want to make him an idol but tonight I was overcome by how much we could face together hand in hand. It's the powerhouse I had hoped we would be united to be. Thankful for the story The Lord is writing in each of our lives.

Was encouraged and recentered last night after reading a friends daily email. She's reading the same book I am right now and I was reminded that our strength comes from The Lord. I know this but in the midst of sheer exhaustion and feelings of being overwhelmed it's hard to stop and truly drink deep of His power and strength.

Nehemiah 8:
The weeping and joy caused by the reading of God's Word is so incredibly beautiful on this chapter. May my life reflect this same joy and sorrow over reading.

Zzzz
D

Saturday, May 10, 2014

DAY 1360: NEHEMIAH 7

Thankful for a really fun weekend, a plan for school next year and a really fun Mother's Day present. So many things to be thankful for an amazing husband, the best kids on the planet, great friends and so much more. I hate after such a great weekend to come home completely overwhelmed by the condition of our house. This is not one of those I left the house clean and came home to a wreck scenarios. It was foul when I left and it's still incredibly foul and I'm completely overwhelmed by it. Curl into a ball and cry kinda overwhelmed. All the encouragement over the weekend seems to have vanished into thin air and it feels as if I just can't do any of this. In reality I think the nights of 4-5 hours of sleep has stacked up and I'm so incredibly exhausted.

On that note I'm going to read Nehemiah 7 and crash.

D

DAY 1359: NEHEMIAH 6

Grabbing a few moments of calm quiet while waiting for a free ticket to the HS conference. Overcome with how The Lord has provided the last couple days. Simple and gracious reminders that he cares and He will provide. Got some hand me down swimsuits that were needed this season for the boys and this ticket. Couple big expenses on the horizon for us and me gone this weekend and spending money has me feeling guilt. I trust God completely with our finances. I trust even when we make unwise choices. I know this stems from childhood and feeling unworthy of whatever money was spent on me. The way finances were handled is so different from what most do in my circle and what my hubs and I do today. My mom is and has always been generous as much as she could but not feeling chosen and feeling like a burden financially and in every other way still is imprinted. As much work as The Lord has done over the years I still struggle with the lie that I'm not worth it. Thankful for the glimpse this morning to see that He cares so much even for the smallest of details and loves me enough to be faithful to still gently point out the broken places. Thankful for His grace!

-------
Really tired. Well and baby kicking my bum right now.

Good day. Loved the quiet of the morning and time to think. Not much quiet in my life and I'm noticing I'm craving quiet much more than I ever have. Thank for this great group of gals to walk the homeschool journey with.

Today one of the speakers I heard spoke on the remnant. Hard not to get choked up about the remnant and feeling called to help raise part of that remnant. May my children love you passionately Lord with all their heart, their strength and all their soul.

Again chewing on what it looks like to be less connected. What it looks like to have more real quiet time and steal less moments of false quiet.

Nehemiah 6:
Nehemiah faces opposition from his enemies yet refuses to compromise his mission or his integrity. Love this verse:

When all our enemies heard about this, all the surrounding nations were afraid and lost their self-confidence, because they realized that this work had been done with the help of our God. (Nehemiah 6:16 NIV)

An impossible task of building the wall had been done in such a short amount of time. Everybody pitched in and it was a beautiful accomplishment. Gods hand apparent not just to believers but to others as well.
Beautiful.

D

Thursday, May 08, 2014

DAY 1358: NEHEMIAH 5

Good day. I love me some thunderstorms. Fun night being silly all together as a family. Enjoyed remembering the fun my hubs and I have together even doing mundane things like go to the grocery store. Kids have changed things a bit but so thankful for the lightheartedness that reigns in our home.

My body is jacked up. Having all the symptoms of a very angry Gretchen who fell off the roof but still no real relief of a raging flood. I know that sounds weird but it's like having a headache for days with weather that wants to be stormy but never is stormy. Once the heavens finally break loose much relief comes. Keep waiting for the relief.

Headed to a denim jumper wonderland tomorrow. Excited to get away and get a game plan for school for next year and be inspired. Heck just getting away from my filthy house and not having 5 of the 6 little bodies that are constantly draped over mine will be nice.

Nehemiah 5-8:1:
Oh goodness how power and prestige can corrupt. The governors before Nehemiah were charging interest and had placed such a burden on the people. They were in such dire situations that they had to be sold as slaves. Nehemiah was not this way and didn't demand what was rightfully his. Such a great example of servant leadership in this chapter.

D

Wednesday, May 07, 2014

DAY 1357: NEHEMIAH 4

Sweet day at the park enjoying beautiful women that I love and my Brownies. Checking the box but heart full connecting with my hubs and enjoying the gift of today.

Nehemiah 4:
Hate that my time has been limited lately. So hard balancing all the balls. So don't want this time to be an idol though. It's important and needs to be the upmost importance but everyday is a different adventure. Lord help me love my precious ones well and those that you put in my path each day. Help kindle my affections for you and may you be who I desire to be with the most. Yet may uninterrupted time with you and what you always deliver during that time never be an idol.

D

Tuesday, May 06, 2014

DAY 1356: NEHEMIAH 3

Crazy kinda day. So much packed into one little day. Might need bullet points.

1. Goose bump inspiring news today of the best kind. Relief and much jubilation! Made me wonder if things considered mistakes could actually be miracles in response to prayer. Im hoping the fact that this thought even crossed my mind means some of my prayer apathy and cynicism is beginning to fade. I want to believe!!

2. Proud of my hubs. He did a really hard thing today. One that grieves him a bit yet he is the kind of role model that we are calling our boys to. Love, protect, honor and serve. I admire and respect my hubs but today it grew ten folds.

3. We were a spectacle at the store today even more than usual today. The lady behind us even commented on how well behaved my Brownies were acting. They do get that compliment more than I would ever imagine. Need to remember that it's okay for them to be kids.

4. I know there is more but fading rather fast.

5. Spotting and Gretchen is about to fall off the roof. At least I hope she is because I'm hurting like crazy. Feel like she's been teetering on the roof for months now. I'd push her off if I could just so I could level out hormonally. My kids would probably appreciate that too.

Ne 3:
Love that each person did their part and together the wall came together.

Fading

D

Monday, May 05, 2014

DAY 1355: NEHEMIAH 1-2

Feel pretty queasy sick. Up at WM with my neighbor and so excited about being home in bed.

Trying to get my eating habits back in control. Definitely have had bad cases of brain fog and my sinus are so painful. Can't do the gluten. Thankful I guess for nausea to help with the detox process. Really could have stayed in bed all day. Wondering if I have some kind of bug. Bella was off the other day and slept a lot so wouldn't surprise me.

Weird reading tonight about prayer after being in prayer a lot of the day. Sometimes it's hard to know what to pray for when hard situations come up. I always pray the desire of my heart or sometimes rather the desires of my flesh. Yet I know the beauty of walking a difficult road arm and arm with the Father. Only a believer can lift hands up high in the midst of the darkest of hours. Thinking of two people tonight. One waiting for results that will either bring cries of joy and relief or mark the beginning of a new normal that will be fought with times of sorrow and pain. Another family who longs to be with their daughter but are kept from her by a corrupt government. The helplessness they must feel on a daily basis must at times feel unbearable. Heart heavy tonight but even in the midst of chaos I know that we serve an awesome and Sovereign God who will never leave us not forsake us.

Going to try to knock the dust off of SOTM and try not to puke.

D

Sunday, May 04, 2014

DAY 1354: EZRA 8-10

Baptism today. I miss the Curtis Park days but love what today means for so many. Gets me choked up every time. Thank you Jesus that there is new life in you!!!

Everybody is sleeping in my house and since 5:15 comes so stinking early I'm looking forward to joining the rest of the sleepers.

Read but having a hard time keeping my eyes open.

D

Saturday, May 03, 2014

DAY 1353: EZRA 6-7

Good day but could get it together enough to move faster than the pace of a snail. I could have slept all day long. Not sure if I'll ever be caught up on sleep.

Sad news from a friend today. Grieved by the fallen condition of our world. Awestruck though by the way she is choosing to lean into The Lord and find the blessing even in the grief and the loss. This sweet baby probably had more impact than a lot of people do their entire lives.

Lots of outdoors this weekend. Thankful for fires and wannabe camping. Really itching for land this weekend. So many people I talk to are itching for land too. The only thing I fear about land is not having the same opportunity to reach neighbors.

Ezra 6-7:
Israelites came upon opposition but The Lord blew the opposition out of the water. Oh how The Lord goes before and behind us and stands in the gap when we face opposition and trials of many kinds. He fights for us all we need to do is to be still.

D

Friday, May 02, 2014

DAY 1352: EZRA 1-5

Great impromptu night with neighbors tonight. So glad my hubs wanted to cook out tonight and that my kids wanted to do it campfire style in the fire pit. Good times! Love our hood and our street!

Tried to take advantage of the last day of spring and hit the park after the Nest today. Great time looking for treasure rocks, minnows and enjoying the beauty of today. Oh how I wish spring was pollen free and lasted forever. Itchy but tank full.

So the talk today went well. Still kinda taking it all in. Last night things went okay but spent time getting caught up with hubs and again things just weren't fitting right. Went to bed and got up early to try again to make sense of things. The sweet Bit of course got up too. As I was holding her while my hubs took a shower and I tried to type out yet another outline my sweet one hit my phone and I lost a considerable chunk of what I has written. I couldn't help but laugh. I had so much peace this morning about things being the way they were. I finished up typing out my outline just as we needed to head out the door. I had no clue how long it was going to end up being or if it was even going to flow at all. Yet peace was everywhere. It truly was a no loose situation. If I tanked it would be answered prayer and if God showed up in the moment to put meat on the bones then it too would be answered prayer. I did completely forget what I was talking about a couple times but it didn't unnerve me and it was fun.

I really love doing that. It's super hard for me to want to admit that but it's really fun and I love talking about God and His Word. I really really love it. I'll be honest I'm thankful it didn't completely tank today and I was grateful to get positive feedback. Had compliments today of the best kind. Not of doing well today but of being a woman yielded to Christ. There truly is no higher compliment. It's what I want to be most known for, how hard I ran the race with Jesus.

Coolest thing of today is a friend who was table leading told me of a woman who used to read my blog and was encouraged to spend time everyday in God's Word and how it has changed and transformed her. So thankful to hear that!! I lived life like a fool for so long not knowing how transformational God's Word is and now that I know I want everybody to taste and see. It's living, it's active and it's powerful.

Stomach funky and I'm so exhausted. Read various things today and hoping to peel away from a baby to start Ezra tonight. We'll see.

Got in some Ezra one verse really stuck out but can't remember it now and fading rapidly.

Before I bow out so thankful for my amazingly supportive hubs!! He's given up so much valuable sleep to support me in my endeavors the past couple weeks.

D

Thursday, May 01, 2014

DAY 1351: RANDOM

Maybe spending most of the day at Arbor Hills wasn't a great idea when I still need to prepare for a talk tomorrow. I've written an outline and I've chomped on it this week but it's not coming together. Maybe I shouldn't have prayed to bomb if it would keep me level headed :). Now I'm itchy and exhausted and looking like I have a long night ahead of me. At least kiddos are looking sleepy.

Reading a couple different things tonight to prepare Haggai, Psalm 127, Isaiah 40 and 1 Kings 17 Elijah and the widow. Think my problem is I want to use them all.

In all of this I'm thankful tomorrow I'm not giving a talk on enjoying your kids after a day of truly enjoying my kids even in the midst of a massive fit and cranky littles. I didn't put this over them and I'm trusting The Lord will provide. I haven't tried to be a slacker things just don't seem to ever come together until the last minute. The pressure gives rise to much creativity. On that note I'm out to wrestle a cute toddler to sleep and see what comes together for tomorrow.

D

Sent from my iPhone

> On Apr 30, 2014, at 11:08 PM, Desi Brown <desibrown@gmail.com> wrote:
>
> Completely off my game today. Cannot get my slothly self in gear. Beautiful day with tons of possibilities and I'm still in pj's. Maybe I ran so hard the last couple weeks and now with no target on the wall I'm floundering. It feels gross and wonderful all at the same time.
>
> ------
> Got outside to head to ReEngage and everything changed mood wise. Oh how I love spring weather. It's like a breath of fresh air. Loved laughing and being silly with my kids on the way to church.
>
> Wish that stayed through the night. Abbie cried for me tonight and I was annoyed. I know I'm all messed up because of lack of sleep. With the Bit and Well I'm struggling to stay ahead of the sleep curve.
>
> 2 c 33-36
> Really taken aback by some of these chapters. Again the bible testifies to the beauty of a humble and contrite heart. It's beautiful. Hard to fully grasp the depths of God's grace for us.
>
> D
>
>
>