Monday, June 30, 2014

DAY 1410: PSALM 145-150

Kid funk plus up several nights with a sick babe equals running on fumes. I shouldn't have taken Benadryl last night because I was angry at not being able to sleep. I would love to dry up some of the crud in my sinuses but I already know it's going to be another long night. Obviously I'm a big fat angry bratty baby when I'm sick. Watching Daniel Tiger and I want to punch everyone on the show for how happy they are. #needtogetagrip

The best news of the month is the news of Shepherd being okay. Ugly cry hearing about him speaking today. Thank you Jesus for the miracle of his little life.

Psalm 145-150
So thankful for this truth tonight:

He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. (Psalm 147:3 ESV)

D

Sunday, June 29, 2014

DAY 1409: PSALM 142-144

The kid funk and a long night of sleepless Lilly is taking me down. Can't wait for bed :)

Exciting day keeping up with a friend doing an Ironman today and his sweet wife hauling her awesome crew around to support her hubs. That is quite the Ironwoman. It's been sweet to she how she has so lovingly encouraged and supported her husband through this process. Sharpening for sure!

Head clogged so not much more to say. If you think about it pray for my neighbor. Pretty sure she is struggling right now. Maintenance is so hard. Praying she pushes through. Will have to harass her this week.

Psalm 142-144:
Love how even during the most trying of times the psalmists go back to remembering who God is. That can be such an anchor in difficult and overwhelming times.

Definitely on my own plan right now. Preoccupied with planning for next year. Not feeling great and tired and being preoccupied has left for a heart that is not very longing.

This is the verse of the day on my bible app and it's my prayer for me and my neighbor today.

Restore to me the joy of your salvation, and uphold me with a willing spirit. (Psalm 51:12 ESV)

D

Saturday, June 28, 2014

DAY 1408: PSALM 140-141

Ready to jump into super planner mode for school next year. Strange as we are still in the thick of school this year and I'm not much of a planner. I am fired up about how well next year will tie into this past year. Even more fired about finding a free hands on science curriculum. Free is one of my favorite things, like free tickets to Rough Riders games with free food and winning free Whataburgers. Sweet blessings from Him!

Good times at Heights today celebrating a sweet four year old. Feels good to have one trip to the crazy pool under our belts. Kids had fun and I never felt stressed. Sweet friends there too. Yet another gift from The Lord.

Ps 140-141:
Love these verses from today as this has been at the forefront of my mind.

Set a guard, O Lord, over my mouth; keep watch over the door of my lips! Do not let my heart incline to any evil, to busy myself with wicked deeds in company with men who work iniquity, and let me not eat of their delicacies! Let a righteous man strike me—it is a kindness; let him rebuke me—it is oil for my head; let my head not refuse it. Yet my prayer is continually against their evil deeds. (Psalm 141:3-5 ESV)

The mouth piece especially is so good. This is my prayer for today and should be everyday.

In home date night!

D

Friday, June 27, 2014

DAY 1407: PSALM 135-139

I hate the wickedness of my heart. I hate that in my pride I desire to be proven right or vindicated. Maybe it's less about being "right" and more about being relieved that I'm not crazy and I'm not deluding myself. I want to be able to trust myself but I also know relying on myself as a gauge of where I'm at is utter foolishness. In my sin, my tendency is to believe my own crazy self propaganda. I heard somebody teach on believing our own self propaganda and I love that wording.

I so often want to believe my own bullcrap. I want to excuse myself and believe my own justification for things. Left up to my own devices I am deceitful down to the core.

Well is an area I've had to sift through my own excuses and bullcrap. Some are legitimate according to myself but I've definitely seen the ugly side of myself through the Well process. I don't like to be under other peoples authority or more so I don't like to be on somebody else's plan. I want to do things my own way and not be told the best way to come to a certain outcome. I'm so very grateful many of my Brownies are wired the exact way. Hurray for daily sanctification!

I don't want to be my own PR manager anymore. I don't want to believe the lies I try to feed myself. I want to have courage and be able to look at myself, every part of myself, and see the truth of what I often try to fool myself that is not there. I want to be so grounded in Christ that the full length mirror isn't crushing but rather causes me to embrace grace all the more. I thank you that you are faithful to continue the good work you have started in this ragamuffin daughter of yours. I thank you that you love me enough to pick up this girl who is covered in filthy sin covered rags and clothe her in your beautiful royal robes of righteousness. I thank you that I don't have to be cleaned up before I come to you. You know the wickedness and deceitfulness of my heart and yet you love me anyway. I thank you that you are loving, kind , compassionate, and patient. Fill me with your compassion for my family and for those you have placed in my life. I am completely lost without you!

-----
Good times at the Rough Riders game. Thankful for the blessing of free tickets. An exhausted kid throwing a lovely fit and I'm exhausted too. Good times!

On another note, tickets to Costa Rica have officially been bought. This is getting real. My sweet Lil Bit fell asleep on my chest tonight. Maybe she is ready even if I'm not.

PS 135-139:

Great psalm to end on today. One of my favorites!

Search me, O God, and know my heart! Try me and know my thoughts! And see if there be any grievous way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting! (Psalm 139:23, 24 ESV)

D

Thursday, June 26, 2014

DAY 1406: PSALM 128-

Rough morning. Need more sleep. Seven people on their own plan was a bit much while trying to get some school in. Lots of praying but still have lots of work to do on my side of the street. God help me because I can not do this alone! This is actually a really good place for me to be although difficult for this self reliant donkey.

Thankful to ditch some school and mandatory cleaning to join a friend at the pool. So blessed by lunch for all of us, good conversation and some swimming lessons for the smalls. It was just the kind of break I needed! Thankful.

Dug through our old dossier stuff to get stuff together to renew our passports. Painful and raw. It's so weird for it to hurt yet be so thankful for our littles. I can't imagine our family without Joshua and Bella. With no Bella there would be no Lilly. I love the story being written but still long for all the pieces to fit together. Thankful to feel incredibly content to sit in the longing and wait for Him. Also thankful to discover that we had already renewed our passports to be ready to travel to ET.

Thankful to not have to spend the money to get new passports. Also thankful that our van troubles weren't crazy expensive either. Whew!

Psalm 128-134:
These psalms are short and sweet. 133 stuck out the most to me:

Behold, how good and pleasant it is when brothers dwell in unity! (Psalm 133:1 ESV)

How sweet it is as a parent when my kiddos dwell in unity with one another. It's so maddening when there is strife and they treat each other poorly. I can only imagine how God feels about us when we too go around in strife and discord. How sweet it must be for our Father when we truly love one another.

D

Wednesday, June 25, 2014

DAY 1405: PSALM 115-127

Feeling like a giant failure as a parent. I'm pretty confident one of my kiddos has a processing disorder or a combination of a couple of things. I think sometimes it is hard to figure what causes what and which came first. I don't want a label on my kid but I want more understanding on my part and better ways to parent him in particular.

So many things make so much sense now. I'm kicking myself for not seriously considering this before now. Ugh! Instead of focusing on my failures need to turn things back towards gratitude, if not the guilt will crush me.

I'm thankful for The Lord continuing to prompt me to research and for making the pieces fit. I feel like in some ways there is six years lost but there is also twelve years of understanding that could have possibly been missed. Thankful I didn't push academics this year. Most thankful of all is my gratitude over God's Sovereignty. My oversight feels like a huge failure but God knew and I'm thankful He can heal and restore any heart damage that has been done. Thankful for massive amounts of information available at my finger tips that can be used for good and not just a distraction. I'm so thankful for grace and that God is so much bigger than the numerous amounts of failures I've made as a parent and will continue to make. Thankful to be a sinner saved by God's grace.

---------
So crazy tired. Been thinking about my "Wellness" journey and convicted by the amount I've just mailed it in. Getting up before the sun and making muscles work that I've never used in my entire life has been quite the experience. I'm thankful but think it's time to kick things up a notch since I'm still not knocking this wellness thing out of the park. Committed to taking my fistfuls of pills to help combat fatigue and allergies. Getting back on drinking water like a fish. Been really bad about this and my body has been paying the price. I'm going sugar free for the month of July the added bonus is that I probably would have wanted to go on an LGN diet anyway for Costa Rica. With sugar free in July I'm going FB free too . I've noticed I tend to up my FB intake when I can't shove fist fulls of sugar into my mouth. I'm a total addict. So there we are. Continuing to take baby steps to being more self disciplined, controlled and healthy. Hate how convicted I've been on the health thing. Oh how I adore comfort!

Psalm 119-127:
Great psalms of rescue from persecution, from others and from self. Ended tonight with psalm 127 one of my favs. Verse 2 has really been on my mind lately.

It is in vain that you rise up early and go late to rest, eating the bread of anxious toil; for he gives to his beloved sleep. (Psalm 127:2 ESV)

Love this version. For he gives to his beloved sleep. Foolish not to take advantage of that rest. Again pondering what a true Sabbath should look like. No work for an entire day. For he gives to his beloved rest. Let me be set apart by the way I rest. 

D


Tuesday, June 24, 2014

DAY 1404: PSALM 115

I wish I was at Chicken Scratch tonight. HA! Actually I wish I was sleeping so hard that I was drooling on my pillow. Today was okay but walked around today in a zombie like haze. I have no clue how my husband is functioning after several hours less sleep than me.

There were moments of total beat down today. Growing weary of a certain kiddos constant disobedience. Feel like I'm making absolutely no headway with that kid and frankly I'm discouraged. All three of my boys were pretty rough today, one little girl was sick, one is in desperate need of time with me and one is determined to break my back. I don't understand why I'm so exhausted tonight. There's still a kitchen to clean , a floor to sweep, laundry that needs some serious help and numerous other things that need attention. This motherhood gig is so incredibly hard. I wouldn't trade this darn exhaustion for the world. Well, maybe someday's I'd trade it for a day at the beach.

Beautiful morning. I was so angry to be up and yet so thankful and in awe to be able to experience the beauty of today. This is the day that The Lord has made. Lord help me rejoice even on the days that make me weary to the bone.

Psalm 115:
I read half of this chapter this morning while all six of my offspring played beautifully together. It was absolutely magical while it happened. Then a sweet boy wanted me to play solitaire with him and how could I not play with the cute boy who loves to play games?

Biggest takeaway from this chapter so far is that my heart is deceitful. I need the law to keep me walking in ways that are righteous. Apart from the law to teach me and train me how to do this life I'm lost. The author of this Psalm gets this and trusts The Lord that His commands are good even when it doesn't feel good to obey.

The sick girl is feeling much better. The wild boy is also still up and the oldest is longing to have cuddle time. No drooling on my pillow for awhile I reckon.

D

Monday, June 23, 2014

DAY 1403: PSALM 111-114

I wish I was at Chicken Scratch right now. Maybe I have a slight obsession. In my defense who wouldn't want to eat a chicken biscuit, listen to live music and be outside while dreaming of living in Austin.

Shelter tonight. So sweet to be amongst a group of woman who are running after Jesus. It's an honor to get an opportunity to serve in that ministry.

I'm in a strange place right now. Heart so thankful for so many things this evening and yet pained at the same time. Fear has tried to creep in today over possible loss or being misrepresented. Perfect love casts out all fear. Ultimately I'm called to love, that's it. It's simple. I can't control whether there will be loss and I can't control how actions are interpreted. As much as that is difficult in my flesh there is much peace. I'm to love and be faithful and trust God with whatever the outcomes may be.

For am I now seeking the approval of man, or of God? Or am I trying to please man? If I were still trying to please man, I would not be a servant of Christ. (Galatians 1:10 ESV)

I was fed back some of my own words today "conflict is good". It wasn't directed at me but spoken as things I've said that has had impact. Wow, just writing that makes me realize how cool that moment was. God's sweet redemption. I can take no credit for who I am today apart from Christ. Left to my own devices I'm a total train wreck.

Conflict IS good. It's so good. It most definitely does not feel good in the moment but I'm thankful for the sweet lessons The Lord is teaching me. Now if only growth and sanctification wasn't so darn painful!! Oh how much physical training mirrors spiritual training. Love that but hate that!!!

Think we have another ear infection up in this house. Good times.

PS 111-114:
Read earlier can't remember what I read. Toots!

D

Sunday, June 22, 2014

DAY 1402: PSALM 107-110

Wish I was at Chicken Scratch right now. Instead I'm at home and want to bang my head against the wall over having to do the right thing. It stinks how often doing the right thing is the exact thing I don't want to do.

One of my children was a complete pill tonight. I'm thankful for that pill and the humility I'm often taught by this child. I wish I responded like Christ more often than I do in my flesh in response to their behavior. God help me. Thank you for this special kid, help me love this child extravagantly.

Psalm 107-110:
Love vs 10-16 in ps 107. Oh how He loves us even when we make such a huge mess out of things. These verses are so beautiful and remind me of all He has done to break the bondage in my life.

Saturday, June 21, 2014

DAY 1401: PSALM 103-106

Operation get used to being away from Lilly is in full swing. She's ten months tomorrow. Can't believe that!!! It's been a whirlwind 10 months for sure and I certainly wouldn't trade it for the world!! This weekend I got the distinct feeling again that somebody was missing. I wonder if that will ever stop? My oldest asks just about everyday in one way or another if I'm pregnant. I love how the oldest four are chomping at the bit for another sibling. I don't think we'll be able to meet their requests for as many as they want us to have but thankful they love our crazy family.

Last night the hubs and I got to chat adoption. The ache is still so raw at times. I grieve for the Momma's who feel this ache day in and day out hoping and longing for just one baby. This is the closet I will get to understand that kind of pain.

It was fun going back through our story last night. I still don't understand parts of the journey but I'm content to wait upon The Lord till He moves our steps. I will admit I do stalk adoption agencies from time to time. I know I need not do this. I have a feeling if and when everything finally comes together it will be miraculous. Saw an FB post tonight and saw a picture of an adoptive momma and birth momma together. It would be pretty sweet for a relationship like that to one day be in my future. Oh how brave and strong birth Mommas are. Although unless it's a baby with Down's I really have no desire to adopt an infant. I know I will one day pine away and itch to hold a fresh itty bitty and I can see rocking sweet drug addicted babies as they wait for forever families as an empty nester but I've been so blessed to rock so many sweet Brownies. It will be so bitter sweet when we bring our last one into this world. For all I know I might have already done that. Thankful for whatever His plan might be. It's been a really sweet season of learning how to be quiet and still and waiting for The Lord. It is so much better than the alternative.

The great Purge of 2014 has begun. So weird to get rid of baby boy clothes. Choked up realizing my baby boys are now 7, 6 and almost 5. The days are so long but they are painfully fast. God help me not squander away the time. Love the sweet Brownies you've blessed me with!!

So I have got to get on this Costa Rica planning. Ideally we'd find somebody to stay at our house and get the kids dinner and in bed and off to different places we have farmed them out during the day. A friend suggested a possible alternative that might also work. I've been white knuckling my homerun plan but as I was praying about it last night over dinner it hit me that God's plan might involve me asking for even more help than I'd like to instead of the home run I would like. I know either way He can provide. Again I have to release the white knuckled grip on what I want. Thankful for sweet friends encouraging us to do this. It seems too much of a hassle and I am anxious over leaving my kiddos for five days. They are getting bigger and I know it would be so good for us. Thankful for the opportunity and the shove I need from people who love me.

PS 103-106:
Tis so sweet to remember how great The Lord is. Some of my favorite verses right here:

Bless the Lord, O my soul, and all that is within me, bless his holy name! Bless the Lord, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits, who forgives all your iniquity, who heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit, who crowns you with steadfast love and mercy, who satisfies you with good so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's. (Psalm 103:1-5 ESV)

Lord may I praise you with all that is within me all the days of my life. Thank you for redeeming me from the pit of death and destruction!

D

Friday, June 20, 2014

DAY 1400: PSALM 102

Long day that felt like a week. Good day though. Thankful for a friend who is willing to watch my high maintenance babies. Perfectly timed date night tonight. It's unbelievable how fast I jump into self reliance mode. And oh are my issues with control ever so highlighted now. Blech!

Fading fast but thankful for the mirror even though it's painful. Thankful for my hubs, and kids and friends willing to watch the plethora of kids. Thankful that all the pool mishaps I keep hearing about this season, Bella included, have ended well. Thank you for protecting these little ones Lord!!! Thank you for this day that you have so graciously given.

D

Thursday, June 19, 2014

DAY 1399: PSALM 85-101

Lots swirling around in my head and not even sure how to process it all. The last couple of weeks I've so desperately wanted to disconnect my flesh and own past experiences from the part of me that just wants to chase hard after Christ. Oh the battle within me is so obnoxious.

I'm reminded of Paul and how he so desperately longs to do the good he ought to do and yet does the things he doesn't want to do. I so connect with that dude. Thankful for his example and desire to chase after Christ and humility at all costs. Thankful for Jesus who is the perfect balance and who died for the sin nature I so often fight against.

-------
Managed to lock my keys in my house this morning and loose them tonight at a VBS extravaganza. Both times it's amazing how God provided for me. Such a sweet reminder from Him today that He loves me, cares about the little things and is perfectly happy with the way He created me. I'm a mess but I'm His mess and I'm loved more than I could ever imagine.

My shoulder and crazy sore and probably adhesed muscle in my arm making me grumpy. Having half function of my arm is unacceptable as the mother of six kids. Oh stink! Let me rephrase that. God thank you for two arms that are functioning that allow me to hold, snuggle and wrangle the six wonderful offspring you've given me. Oh perspective, how just a tiny shift in you can change a life. Honestly, I think I'm mostly grumpy thinking about having to go through the exercise of my Shelter testimony for Monday. I was reminded today of how that process can churn up so much. I often go in not realizing how much it drudges up till after the fact. Thankful for opportunities to keep recovery in the mix. Thankful for a God whose timing is nothing but perfect. His timing can be a butt stomping but it's perfect in every way.

Psalm 85-101:
I'm excited to only be two chapters behind!!! I might go ahead a read them tonight to be fully caught up. I don't want to let assigned chapters wag the dog BUT since I am the Queen of not finishing things I just want to be disciplined enough to start finishing what I've started. I have really enjoyed my time in Psalms it's just moved so fast. I think as I get more and more order in my life I want to keep up with the Daily Walk bible but also eventually add in book studies where I dive in deep and really tear apart a passage of scripture. James would probably be perfect right now. I think there is so much value in going through the bible every year AND there is much value is slow and methodical study. I need to keep carving out the time wasting junk in my days so I have more time for things that are really important that I feel get squeezed out like exercise, rest and study.

So much good stuff in the Psalms today. The thing that hit me the most and I know I've heard it said before but it really hit me today is the idea that if God would let His own son suffer of course we too will suffer. I think I've always heard that through the lens of of course we all suffer. I'm sorry but that just doesn't do anything for me. It's why Job made me so angry. Suffering just for sufferings sake seems so hopeless and awful and useless and just plain wrong. BUT today it came together for me. If God would allow Jesus to suffer a crucifixion for the sake of the resurrection which would set all the captives free, then of course He would allow suffering in our lives as well in order to bring forth fruit and life in the end. At the end of Job's horrible ordeal, his faith, his understanding of God and his very relationship with God was changed forever in an incredible way. I personally don't want to suffer the way Job did in order to get those kinds of results but God does allow suffering to bring about beauty. Just like God to turn something Satan meant for harm into something that can be used for our good. Love that! I'm not ready to say bring on the suffering but I do find much hope that there is opportunity in every single situation.

D

Wednesday, June 18, 2014

DAY 1398: PSALM 71-84

It's been a sweet time this week with just the littles. It's funny how my definition of little and big has changed over the years. There is such a sweet simplicity to just being in one stage. I wish I would have fully embraced it while I was in it. I think at times I was too busy being a deer in the headlights. I don't want to miss this phase of our family either by the same thing.

I'm snuggled up between the three smalls and I'm reminded how I've neglected rest. Oh how gentle and gracious God is with us as He continually repeats the truths about life that we often neglect. I've been desperate to find the answers of how to fit it all in and His answer is rest. It doesn't surprise me that it's contrary to the perfect production equation I'm looking for. Rest and abide and trust me with all the rest. That is where He makes our burdens light. I'm so thankful for this gift today.

I was so torn today with wanting to just soak up my littles and at the same time knowing I need to put gas in the tank that matters most. Sweet time with God filled with sweet interruptions and pooplosions. (Seriously what's up with all the poo drama lately?) It's been so long since I've reached for my actual paper bible that I've forgotten how much more rich and fulfilling it is. I don't know what it is but something comes alive when a physical bible is opened. It's more engaging which is fascinating since time spent on the ievil is the opposite of being fully engaged. It's an illusion of being engaged with others.

Speaking of the engagement I'm going to jump out of the social media land for awhile. Seriously considering deactivating my account OR completely deleting it. It's such a false reality and mostly self glorifying anyway. Desiring to strip away the cyber clutter and rest. Everything is so urgent in the land of email and iPhones.

PS 71-84:
Still insanely far behind on reading but thankful for time to dig in today. I reminded of the importance to memorialize all that The Lord has done. It's in the times of the deepest darkest valleys that we need to be reminded of who God is and all the wondrous things that He has done. Thankful for the opportunity to put first things first today for adding marrow to the bones.

D

Tuesday, June 17, 2014

DAY 1397: PSALM 69-

Life is but a vapor is my reflection of the day. This morning feeding the Bit I was thanking God for my hubs and it occurred to me that I'm simply not promised tomorrow. What would it be like if I loved my husband, my kids and my friends as if all I had or they had was today. I get so wrapped up in the temporal things that won't make a difference in the end. Wish I could view life through this lens. It's so easily forgotten.

Took the littles to a play land today and realized if I really want extended playtime with my kiddos I have to get out of the house and go somewhere solo. There are too many to do's at home that almost always seem way more important than extended playtime. I don't want these days to pass me by focused on the to dos. There are too many sweet little hearts in this house to miss out on by doing the dishes.

Fun times with friends at the pool. Oh how I love summer!!

Relieved there is talk of continuing to meet up for exercise after Well is over. The slacker who wants sleep is not thrilled but definitely know this is important. I'm not disciplined enough to work out on my own. I wish I was but regimented and self discipline are definitely missing from my genes.

Ps 69-70:
I'm so thankful to know I will not be swallowed up by the deep and rising water. God is my refuge and strength!

D

Monday, June 16, 2014

DAY 1396: PSALM 68-

Well today's celebration of Les seems like a dud. Thankful his expectations are super low. Bummed as I want him to feel admired and respected and known and celebrated. I did make him a cake. Last time I made him an Italian Creme cake I blew out a hand mixer and I didn't have any children. Oh how differently our life looks now. I'm thankful and I'm exhausted. So thankful to be on this crazy adventure with my hubster.

Psalm 68:
Read but my brain didn't process much or I've forgotten what I've read except that He is a father to the fatherless. Thankful to understand what that means now.

Hoping to read more in a bit!

D

DAY 1395: PSALM 60

Thankful for my hubster today and the sweet redemption of today. Today had an even greater reason for gratitude as our Belly ran amuck and played today. So thankful she is okay and for the five other Brownies who have an amazing Daddy.

After an entire week of feeling yuck and being fussy I'm happy to say my Bit is finally back to her silly self. Thank goodness!!!!

Ps 60-67
17 chapters behind. Lots of reading to do!

Whoops forgot to hit send!

D

Saturday, June 14, 2014

DAY 1394: PSALM 55-59

Day ended with a bang with a giggling session in the ER. Our sweet and fearless Belly apparently jumped into the pool without a float. Saw her in the water in time thankfully and pulled her out. She had quite the scare and after a friends sweet boy with water in his lungs after a pool incident and all those drowning in your sleep articles we took our girl in. After we got settled into a room the girl started coming back to her usual Bella self. ER was probably over the top but regardless so thankful our sweet girl is okay. Thankful God is Sovereign!!

I did not have my finest moment with my other offspring as they were wailing because they had to leave the pool early. Definitely need to think about the training that I need to do with my Brownies so that when there is a true emergency they will listen and obey right away. This world is crazy and we don't need to be fearful but they need to listen so that we can protect them.

Ps 55-59
Thank you Lord for being my strength and my sweet Bella's protection tonight.

D

Friday, June 13, 2014

DAY 1393: PSALM 53

Well family fun day turned into a whip of a day. At home with a baby that is still under the weather and cranky and a boy who refuses to clean. There are going to be some hard and painful lessons this summer.

-----
Tired. Almost completely fell asleep. Dealing with the obstinate is exhausting. Oh how I love that sweet little stinkpot though.

Ps 53-54:
Thankful that The Lord is my refuge and strength.

D

DAY 1392: PSALM 52-

Great morning with unexpected time with God. Ran two miles without stopping. My pace was slow and I didn't push it till the end but I ran the race. So many spiritual implications today. Two girls that I love finished strong an entire lap ahead of me. My first inclination was to be discouraged at my current condition. God was sweet to remind me not to look to where others are but to continue to run where I am set forth on the race. There will be others ahead of me to inspire and spur me on and there will be others to look back and check on and encourage to keep going strong.

Last night I had wanted to ask Les to find me headphones so I could listen to music while running this morning and I'm so glad I forgot. Sweet time praying and talking and processing with God. A beautiful answer on how to exercise and have time to linger. I feel like because I know my body better now I can once again run at a pace that will allow me to run without it being completely miserable and be able to think and pray and not just pray out of desperation to keep going. Love the spiritual implications of the physical and as much as I'm begrudgingly going to say it there is definitely a connection between the two.

----------
Crazy tired and brain seriously fried. My stance on conflict still stands, it's good. At the end not everyone skips around rainbows and unicorns don't always poop skittles but it can be so sharpening. Good lessons on not self protecting the last couple days. It's hard to be bound in a body that so desperately wants to race hard after Christ yet is so burdened by such an ugly sinful nature.

Ps 52-53:
Sadly, check.

D

Wednesday, June 11, 2014

DAY 1391: PSALM 50-51

Day 1 of the awful sleep study and I think I broke every rule. The crazy thing is that it wasn't intentional. I know the principles are good and I've definitely seen a connection between patience and wellness and holiness related to sleep. I ate like a garbage disposal today and it had everything to do with exhaustion from a poor sweet sick baby. I see all the connections and yet I have no clue how to make it all work. The yoke feels burdensome rather than light. I know a lot of it is life stage and performance issues and not enough hours in the day and laziness and and and. I definitely hear the message loud and clear and now I guess it's time to be still and quiet and wait. The Lord's yoke is easy and His burden is light. If I wait and ask I am confident He will answer.

Today has been quite the beat down mostly due to being crazy tired and plans changing to adjust to a sick baby and everybody on a different plan. It's been good to just rest in what today is turning out to be. Everyday should be this way. That's how burden is light and yoke is easy surrendering every single day to the obedience of Christ.

I've been churning on lots of things and other than the themes of wellness, rest and lack of desire to be on anybody's spiritual plan other than mine other things are coming up. I think I'm much better at obedience in the big things than in the little things. I'm all about doing what is radical for The Lord but I struggle with the day to day. Help me to surrender the day to day to you Lord.
---------

Conflict resolution with CG tonight. Thankful to no longer be a conflict avoider but it's never fun in the moment. Been praying a lot this week that I wouldn't self protect. I could feel anger come and go as the night went on and then a moment of vulnerability melted my heart and everything clicked into place. Afterwards I was hit for the first time that I use anger to self protect. It seems like something so crazy obvious and yet until tonight I've been clueless. I guess I realized I used anger to guard my heart from my hubs awhile back but never connected the dots to my struggle with anger in general. Oh the dang onion and ALL of its awful layers!! What a piece of work I am!! Thankful for Jesus and for His faithfulness to change this knucklehead.

Psalm 50-59:
This verse is just awesome:
Out of Zion, the perfection of beauty, God shines forth. (Psalm 50:2 ESV)

This one is my prayer:
Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me. (Psalm 51:10 ESV)

God I hate my pride remove my self glorification and create in me a humble and contrite heart.

The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise. (Psalm 51:17 ESV)

Tuesday, June 10, 2014

DAY 1390: PSALM 39-54

Rough day and not enough sleep made it worse. Good thing I start a sleep thing today. Grrr! Because of it I have ten minutes till I have to shut this puppy off. Not bad and probably a habit I should live by. I think I'm most put off by this sleep thing because I know my booty will be convicted!! Grrrr!!! Stubborn donkey I am!!!

Good day outside but in the throws of some serious battles with one kid. I'm at a complete loss as NOTHING seems to make a difference. Gonna stay strong on staying on top of him for a few weeks and if that doesn't work I have one last idea. If none of that works then well it's just going to be a peach of a time with this one. Maybe I'll train for a marathon to relieve frustration.

Lots of reading to do tonight. Hoping a sweet babe whose running a fever probably from another ear infection sleeps tonight. Come on garlic oil work your magic!!!

I'm off to go snuggle with some children, read and then fall asleep with my mouth hanging open.

D

Monday, June 09, 2014

DAY 1389: PSALM 38-

Gotta get my buns to bed so bullet points.
- oh stinkpot conflict how I hate thee and yet know the end result is beautiful.
- realizing I have more issues with control than I realized. Hurray for digging up more junk.

Psalm 38:
But for you, O Lord, do I wait; it is you, O Lord my God, who will answer. (Psalm 38:15 ESV)

Lots of echos and lessons on waiting for The Lord rather than pushing an agenda or running before Him. God help me to wait, help me to be slow to speak, slow to be angry, okay with being in the midst of the yuck, not having answers, help me to trust and to wait on YOU. You are so good!

D

Sunday, June 08, 2014

DAY 1388: PSALM 36-

Still really tired from camping and getting my butt kicked at Well seems so unappealing. I've worked out once in the past two weeks so I'm in for a hurting this week. Good times! Maybe I'm praying for a monsoon to hit at 5:15 in the AM.

Streamed the sermon today and had a pretty huge ah hah moment. I've gotten out of the habit of streaming and I think that is contributing to my feeling of being depleted. Need to get back into the groove of streaming and setting a strong boundary with my Brownies to allow me that time. I can use all the tank filling I can get. On another note realized today that I got my God tank filled more than I realized. I didn't get quite uninterrupted time BUT everywhere I looked I sat in awe of God's creation. The outdoors fills my tank in ways that are unexplainable. It's strange coming back home after being in a place where every turn is filled with awe and wonder. It's like I'm jonesing for some awe and wonder.

Psalm 36-37:
The Lord is our stronghold. So incredibly thankful for that.

D

Saturday, June 07, 2014

DAY 1387: PSALM 33-35

This morning was kinda shell shocked to be back. I feel a little like the people on LOST who finally got off the island but all they wanted to do was go back. Camping is so much work but it's so great to look around and be in constant awe of everything The Lord has created.

God was sweet this evening in getting a chance to see sweet friends and our sweet neighbor. Such a sweet gift. I am thankful to be here and thankful for the hood God has planted us in. Weird to be filled with such gratitude and such deep longing all at the same time.

Psalm 33-35:
Give praise to The Lord for He is good!!

D

DAY 1386: PSALM 26-32

What a crazy trip!! We are packed up and headed back a day early due to tornado warnings tonight. We did a night of storms last night and I feel like we got away easy. I don't want to do another night but this time with hail and strong winds. Incredibly disappointed of not being able to spend this last part of our trip solo as a family. I've been angry at the world for many reasons today this being one of them.

Looking at the sky where we should be I'm so thankful we got out of there today. Feel blessed the kids slept through most of the storms last night and I had incredibly sweet moments with my girl and my sweet niece. I think we might have stayed tonight had we not experienced last night. It was amazing by the way. The lightening was so amazing BUT we also got a taste of how ugly things could get in a severe storm.

Interesting to be faced with the two things I'm most freaked about in regards to camping: storm in the tent and poisonous serpents. Both were heart pounding but so incredibly awesome. Lots to walk away with on experiencing both.

Feeling a bit cheated out of truly getting to embrace palo duro. In some ways I saw the face of God in ways I never expected yet I missed the serenity I had hoped to experience. I guess my expectations in some ways were set perfect and in other ways were totally missed. I knew the family time I was craving would not happen but I had hoped more of my time with God. I think that's the thing I was most hacked off about today. I had the hope of getting complete solo time while the other family was being dropped off. Extended quiet time in a beautiful place, come on!!

--------
Maybe 40ish minutes till we are home. Think my hubs is catching a second wind or at least I hope. My eyelids are as heavy as lead.

Sad to be back in the city. Feel suffocated already. Gotta get some land someday!!

Can't believe I used to think Psalms was boring. #Stupidpunkkid Loving this romp through Psalms. Loving the parallels in being out in His creation and everything He's teaching me is lining up perfectly.

-do not fear
-the works of my hand are marvelous
-I am your protector
-I am your vindicator
-I am your strength

D

Friday, June 06, 2014

DAY 1385: PSALM 25-30

Good day but hard day. Oh family dynamics. I know BrownTown has it's own variety of crazy but I really hope when our kids are grown everybody loves getting together and looks forward to it. I'd hate for them to have to navigate a lifetime of undealt with conflict and issues. Hoping we are working towards that but nothing is guaranteed.

Oh how I've seen some of the same issues I struggle with come out in my girl this week. Fierce, passionate and fiery and sleep deprived. They can be great qualities if yielded to Christ but goodness how pride can turn those things ugly. The girl is smart and things that none of the other kiddos notice are not lost on her. Thankful we get to help her navigate through things but not easy when we ourselves are just trying to figure it all out.

Overall glad we came. I think Les got some good time in with his daddy this afternoon and frankly that makes it worth all the other chaos. Need to remember this about relationship. The chaos can be worth it.

--------
Well looks like we might be about to experience our first thunderstorm camping. Gotta say I'm not all that fired up about it. I feel too fried to deal with the possibility of seven kids freaking out. Hurray for memory making! I will say after reading Job this last time and The Lord speaking through the storm I have an even greater amount of awe for storms.

---------
The lighting is spectacular. The only thing that could make this more amazing would be to have no kiddos with us. In awe of what is going on in the heavens right now. Instead of praying this storm away praying that the two little girls that are up giggling and the other five sweet ones who are sleeping would know The Lord more because of this moment. May I know you better because of this moment Lord. And maybe let our tent not blow away or leak. :)

Love how what I've been reading in scripture lately has been coming alive right before my eyes.

Might fall asleep before full storm impact. Camping exhaustion is crazy.

D

DAY 1384: PSALM 19-24

Today was well, weird. Head is crazy pounding and heat turned me into a selfish beast. I was a brat about a seat in the car and not getting a coke. Embarrassed of my selfishness and even now not fired up I have to give up my seat again. I'm going to blame it partly on my crazy headache and the heat.
------

Tonight walking to the bathroom I could have cared less about snakes. I think I might have even welcomed a snake bite to put me out of my misery.

So many thoughts about today but the glowing screen is killing me. Going to listen to the audio of psalms and pray for sleep to come quickly. Hate that their are beautiful stars to be looked at and they will be missed tonight.

D

Tuesday, June 03, 2014

DAY 1383: PSALM 13-18

Well our camping experience is about to get a bit different with three extra peeps. Praying our time together is sweet, filled with memories and not crazy.

--------
Well it kinda feels like our family camping has been hijacked a bit but thanks to setting low expectations and realizing this was a possibility I'm fine. Hurray low expectations!

Last night was a bit wild. Coming back from the bathroom I saw a rattlesnake on the road. Thankfully I saw it coming back from the bathroom because I just might have peed my britches. Thankful for the opportunity to see it. If I'm honest I've been fearful about snakes after hearing about a copperhead under someone's picnic table. The fear feels irrational. I think because I try to run away from fear any fear rational or not feels crazy. All that to say I'm thankful I got to experience awe and wonder and fear all at the same time. There will be much processing and pondering on that experience. A man hit another rattlesnake close to our campsite and it got away into the area right behind our campsite. Thankful to not be in fear about that.

To add to the wild life adventure we heard raccoons trying to get into our stuff all night. Les went out in the middle of the night and saw glowing eyes. I think I had the better end of the stick with the snake.

Gonna be hotter than the surface of the sun tomorrow. I'm sure it will be an adventure.

Psalm 13-18:
Surreal reading these Psalms and being under beautiful stars. How great is our God! The heavens declare the wonder of His holy name!

D

DAY 1382: PSALM 7-12

Crazy and wonderfully exhausted. Beautiful here filled with wild turkeys, horned toads, and dung Beatles and crabby mothers. We got here and kids were exhausted and we were exhausted and setting up camp was a whip. A certain toddler made it even more enjoyable by being a screeching and howling destruction tornado. Exhausted girl is still going strong. Love that cute little stinkpot! If I was a stranger listening to us today it would have probably been pretty ugly. Thankful for grace and being set up already so the rest of our stay is more relaxed.

Overall today was good. Kids did fantastic on the car trip and The Bit did fine except for the last three hours of on and off crying. Seriously no complaints and I think we made our best road trip time ever.

Highlights of the day:
-bigs playing cards on the way. In so many ways we have arrived and have entered a whole new world.
- kids in awe of God's creation. So much to learn out here.

Psalm 7-12:
Lord I'm out here in the majesty that you created with your own hands. May I never forget the awe and wonder of who you are. You are mighty and powerful and have created and named every star. I thank you for sharing your beauty with us. Thank you that you care about each and everyone of us regardless of whether or not we are faithful to you. You are my rock, my fortress and my strength. May you capture my heart for ever and be my greatest love. Thank you for this day and for this grand adventure. May I not miss the beauty in the hard moments.

D

Sunday, June 01, 2014

DAY 1381: PSALM 1-6

So this sloth girl is over the fast past check off the to do list yuck. Even my reading plan has hit hyperdrive. I just want to sit and lounge and snuggle with family and get caught up with good peeps. I want to have long winded chats with my Dad too. I forgot to feed my kid before dropping her off so grabbed her and fed her while listening to the worship set. It felt so good to just sit and be and the longing it stirred to be quiet for long extended time with God was intense. I'm thankful for that longing but sad that my time with God has been on the back burner. No wonder why my tank is empty.

Feeling better about all things pride, shame and guilt related. Remembering what the source is always defuses a lot. Obviously there are still wounds left to heal but I'm so thankful for the Lord's faithfulness in making all things new. Although at times I'm still frustrated by the challenges that keep me from truly believing and accepting truth I'm even thankful for the scars I bear and the sore spots that still need work. Got one of the best compliments from a friend the other day. It's the kind I long to get not because of how great I am but rather because of who He is. There is still much more dying left to do but I'm so thankful for His redemptive work on the cross. May I choose to live under the banner that it is finished!

Psalm 1-6:
So thankful that God is our rock, our fortress and our deliverer. I'm so thankful that He not only hears our prayers but He cares!

D