Reminded last night that I'm a shame based parent. The reflection in the mirror can be painful and unsettling at times. There is hope though. I know God is slowly but surely chipping away at the ways I view Him and ultimately chipping away at the ways I view people and the way that I love them. I hate that the ones I love most often get the worst version of me. Again there is hope that even the worst version of me will slowly begin to look more like Jesus. It's not by strength any of that will happen either. I simply can't change myself. I don't do the things I desire to do and do the things I don't want to do. Thankful my hope is built on nothing less but Jesus blood and righteousness. The more fully I grasp the concept that God sees me fully clothed in Jesus righteousness the less shame that I will internalize and the less shame I will ooze onto others. God has to change that. My head knows many things but the heart can be so slow to follow.
Yesterday at the park my boy got bit by fire ants. I wish the only thing that came to mind was compassion and love. Instead because of his behavior moments before I felt as if justice had been served. A plague of ants sent to keep the boy from continuing in his folly. Today as I saw the numerous bites he received my heart aches for him. Why did it take so long for my heart to be broken for him?
I'm so thankful for this child. I'm thankful for the sanctification and compassion The Lord is going to grow in me as a result of being his momma. The day in and day out of raising him is incredibly difficult. I hate what is squeezed out of my heart while trying to parent him. The truth is that junk IS in my heart whether or not he squeezes it. Thank you Jesus that you are squeezing it out. Thank you that I feel completely lost as a parent. I can't do this, not alone anyway. I thank you that I don't feel like I can do this. Thank you for each of these six children who sharpens me in different ways. Thank you that your ways are not my own. If I had had it my way I would have stayed at a number that I felt like I was able to manage on my own easily. Or I would have stopped at four when things began to feel out of control.
I can't do this alone and I can't thank you enough that I can't God. I can't change these kids. I can't control them and I can't make them have a deep abiding relationship with you. I have to trust you with my everything when it comes to being apart of this family. Some days I'm better at it than others. Help me to release control and to trust you more and more. Help me remember that your grace covers everything even my mistakes as a parent. I can't screw them up, at least not ultimately. You will use the good, the bad and the painful in their lives for their benefit and for Your glory. Help me to fully rest in your love, your grace, your mercy and your Sovereignty. You are so good. All the time you are good. Please Lord may my children grow to know that and out of that choose to live out their lives as a living sacrifice. As a family help us pour it all out to you. Knit us together and create a powerhouse.
Had the honor of listening to the fourth step of a cherished friend. Thankful for her and the work God has done in her life. Encouraged by her willingness to keep leaning in and doing the hard work of recovery.
I did realize today that part of my self protection is to guard myself with a shield of anger. Hate that. Praying to have the courage to let my guard down fully especially in situations where being hurt is a good possibility.
Fun times with friends tonight. Missed two peeps though. Crazy that before I know it date night will be much easier with kids able to stay home solo. Hopefully I'll remember to bless those with small bits so they can get out. Don't want to miss this season away. I'm already out of the I only have littles stage. How did the time pass through my fingers so quickly? It's so great for them to grow older but dang it happens way too fast!!!
I was hanging decently with these chapters till the end of chapter 9. Prophesy which is slightly confusing. Not looking pretty for the saints towards the end. Pray my faith will hold without swerving no matter what the future may hold.