This morning I am thankful for the joy of simple things like balloons that if even just for a brief moment made things seem normal. I know as time passes more and more moments will begin to feel like normal but for now the majority of life feels like a swirling dark pit of painful and raw emotions. To complicate matters I have no emotional bandwidth to give to my kids who I grieve for and long to give my everything to especially now.
Thankful for the joy of a laughing baby. What a sweet end to yet another difficult day. Difficult in new ways which at times feels even worse.
Still caught up in strong emotions. Betrayal, anger, rage, sorrow, guilt, confusion and chaos. In the in between spaces there is no functioning. Thankful for gift cards that have fed our family the past couple days and for a sweet friend who brought dinner tonight. I can't even manage to pull a sandwich together or unload a dishwasher. I feel ridiculous.
I know things could be so much worse. There's a particular family I'm thinking about whose current situation seems impossible and the options for them lead to great sorrow. This world can be so difficult.
I know at times I've done nothing but grasp at straws instead of lean in. I know God is in this but today God feels like a distant and cruel relative.