Today I'm stuck in a place of sadness and disgust. The past 7 years feel so tainted. They shouldn't but they do. The place I used to take pride to be apart of feels like a broken down palace. The trust I once held is now completely bankrupt. It all feels so incredibly sickening.
Every single bit of it feels so complicated and confusing. All the data points together feels like such gross incompetence or severe blind spots that everyone on top has. It's so grossly disappointing. It's all so very gross. I am aware that I'm very much critical at this stage of things.
I do have hope in The Lord but my resolve in hoping that everything can be restored is failing today.
I know God can mend our family and heal wounds that can not be seen. I have much hope in that. I just don't know how everything else can go back. Maybe it's absolutely foolish to think it can or should. I hate that my focus is on this rather than advocating for my kid. That will again be the central focus at some point. Tomorrow, maybe the next, or next week. All of it is so incredibly gross and could have been avoided. I don't know if I'll be able to move past that fact.
More hope tonight but the ever present cloud is still so black.
Exhaustion reigns tonight and my entire body aches. Feeling this verse tonight:
We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed; (2 Corinthians 4:8-9 ESV)
The Lord is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life; of whom shall I be afraid?
For he will hide me in his shelter in the day of trouble; he will conceal me under the cover of his tent; he will lift me high upon a rock.
Hear, O Lord, when I cry aloud; be gracious to me and answer me! You have said, "Seek my face." My heart says to you, "Your face, Lord, do I seek." Hide not your face from me. Turn not your servant away in anger, O you who have been my help. Cast me not off; forsake me not, O God of my salvation! (Psalm 27:1, 5, 7-9 ESV)
For breakfast, lunch and dinner that was provided by friends The Lord has been gracious to us.
For hope continuing to break forth from the darkness The Lord is so very gracious to us
For a bed to lay my weary head The Lord has indeed been gracious to us.
For precious friends who have loved us so well in the middle of the fog The Lord has been gracious to us.
For Jesus who died to set us free The Lord, the Great I AM has been so very gracious to us.