Tuesday, September 30, 2014

DAY 1501: PSALM 28

On edge tonight. My sweet Brownies have sucked the life out of me today. Bodies were piled on top of me all day. A little person sat at the door of the bathroom waiting for me to get out all day long. It's been a crazy two weeks for these kids and I know they sense the uncertainty. The silliness has waned and they have two parents who are either stuck in a fog or deep in thought. I want to move on and just go back to the way things used to be. The waves keep crashing in.

Sorrow over a WM family who discovered their sweet girl has a brain tumor this summer. Praise God it's benign but I still can't imagine. When we thought Bella was having absence seizures that was my fear. I told God then and I still believe now something like that would crush me in unimaginable ways. I hope that I would still trust in God's goodness but I simply do not know how I would continue to breath. I do know The Lord shields you in ways you would never dare to dream. The prayers of His saints carry you farther than you can imagine. Having to put Lilly on the altar almost a year ago I can attest to the peace that surpasses all understanding. Even in the uncertainty now which will not end in death I can attest to that peace that surpasses understanding. I have hope that God will see all of this through. I have hope that anger and sorrow won't be this thick forever. Hope that God will use this for His good and for His glory. Hope that God will provide answers, healing, restored relationships and renewal. Joy and laughter will once again be hallmarks in our home.

There is a lot of sitting and waiting and receiving right now. None of those things are my favorite. I feel like dead weight and old tapes have begun to play that this isn't that big of a deal, forgive and move on. This is such a stinking mess with so many crazy uncontrollable parts that just makes it complicated. Barf!

I can't believe two weeks ago we were in the most beautiful place we'd ever been and now we are in the middle of a pile of ugly poo. I'm so ready for paradise.

God help me to remember that this life is but a vapor. God help us to live courageously for your glory and not our own. God help heal our hearts. Help turn anger, disgust, sorrow, shame and grief into something beautiful. Give us the courage to fully embrace those emotions so that we can heal. Give us a vision for the future and may this not be in vain but rather an opportunity to protect those in the future, to point hearts towards you and to grow us closer to you and a deeper understanding of the depths of your love, power and grace. Keep bringing us back to our mission to live for eternity not for the temporal. Please come back quickly Lord Jesus. Our hearts and souls groan for you. Thank you for your people who have loved us so well and have held up our arms when we just couldn't. 

Psalm 28:
This is my nightmare:

To you, O Lord, I call; my rock, be not deaf to me, lest, if you be silent to me, I become like those who go down to the pit. (‭Psalm‬ ‭28‬:‭1‬ ESV)

I can't do the good days without you God and I definitely can't do the dark days without you. You are my rock. You are what gives me hope, what I cling to when nothing else makes sense. Thank you for knitting my heart together with yours. I want to know you more.

Where I find my strength and rest:

The Lord is my strength and my shield; in him my heart trusts, and I am helped; my heart exults, and with my song I give thanks to him. The Lord is the strength of his people; he is the saving refuge of his anointed. (‭Psalm‬ ‭28‬:‭7-8‬ ESV)

For so long I didn't trust you God. I praise the work of YOUR hand that I can indeed trust you wholeheartedly. That is a gift from you and once again one of the many ways you have been gracious to me.

For sweet friends who dropped off sweet notes, balloons for the kids, sat in it with us today, prayed for us and generously gave gift cards to feed our family The Lord has been gracious to us.

For the reminders that Jesus wept The Lord has been gracious to us. 

For God's understanding and never ending mercy The Lord has been gracious to us.

There are so many sorrows in this world and hearts hurting tonight. Oh Jesus please come quickly. 


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