Wednesday, October 01, 2014

DAY 1502: PSALM 61



Starting off morbid today. This is the place I am today. Today started off with hope. Things didn't feel great but there was hope of restoration. Then another wave came crashing in reminding me of what all this is about. The weight of what has happened and how it's affected my kid once again so very real and heavy. Icy fear began to creep in that wasn't there before. 

Then this afternoon another wave. Rage once again wants to set in but frankly I'm too tired. What's the point? If I was in a survival situation this would be the point where I would crawl into my icy survival cave and just give into the darkness and fall asleep forever. I just want to crawl into a troll cave and isolate maybe with a huge pan of brownies.

I feel like I was already bleeding and wounded but the continued lack of sensitivity and understanding by the afflicting party continues to cause harm and deep wounds. So very grieved by all of it. 

The depth of feelings of betrayal feels very much like our Portland experience. I keep waiting for our dog to die in the middle of our living room. 

In the middle of it all I'm thankful for so many friends who are loving on us. 

Ending incredibly heavy hearted tonight. So very difficult to feel as if hope was dashed into pieces today. I'm so thankful His mercies are new every morning.

Ps 61:
Hear my cry, O God, listen to my prayer; from the end of the earth I call to you when my heart is faint. Lead me to the rock that is higher than I, for you have been my refuge, a strong tower against the enemy. (‭Psalm‬ ‭61‬:‭1-3‬ ESV)

D


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